Emaize3 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 So as I'm trying to deal with this breakup and feel like I can't live without him, it raises some questions. I'm obviously codependent. All I want is a loving relationship that leads to marriage. I have been in several long term relationships all to end up with me getting abandoned. So with my last bf, it's healthy to let your guard down when you know he is a wonderful man (and he was! In all aspects). I was totally blindsided and not a clue of anything wrong. So how do you move past that in the future? How do you let your guard down and then you find you're dumped again? Should I not allow myself to love fully? That doesn't make sense. Im tired of always getting dumped! And by the way, all my exs love me because I am a great girl.. It's just that the relationship never works out. Mainly because I have kids (who are teens now). And yes, my last bf wanted a gf with kids so I'm picking them right and always ending up wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
kztar Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 This happens to me too. Im learning about co-dependency to break of those habits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 I'm going to get a book to help myself with codependency. My struggle is how do you love someone when it's right and shut it off when they leave you. I get extremely depressed in the worst way. Link to post Share on other sites
kztar Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 I know I cry myself to sleep every night. Its hard to get through the days and nights. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 Aww.. Im so sorry. I feel the same as you. Do you mind if I ask how long since your breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 I'm going to stay away from the word "codependent" and try to use something simpler and less broad. If you seem to be with good people, and you yourself are good people - then what you call "letting my guard down" might actually be better thought of as enmeshment. It's romantic to believe that 2 become 1, but that's not really what happens in true love. You are a team when a team is necessary but, you are also two separate soles whose paths diverge here and there, yet remain over the long haul reasonably parallel. If when you let your guard down you are actually giving yourself over to someone else - that is an enormous burden to place on another person. It is hard enough to be responsible for our own fulfillment, let alone that of another. It's true that our society has evolved to where we seek all our needs in "the one" special person who is our lover, best friend, intellectual equal, social up-lifter, confidant, cheerleader, counsel, and supporter. I'm tired just typing it. All I want is a loving marriage. This can't be the end game. You have to want something that is all yours, and then make the relationship a place of mutual shelter for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emaize3 Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 Great advice. But I guess I just don't "get it." I hear it but don't get it. I don't know how to feel any different than what I've felt my whole life. Sucks for sure! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 So as I'm trying to deal with this breakup and feel like I can't live without him, it raises some questions. I'm obviously codependent. All I want is a loving relationship that leads to marriage. I have been in several long term relationships all to end up with me getting abandoned. So with my last bf, it's healthy to let your guard down when you know he is a wonderful man (and he was! In all aspects). I was totally blindsided and not a clue of anything wrong. So how do you move past that in the future? How do you let your guard down and then you find you're dumped again? Should I not allow myself to love fully? That doesn't make sense. Im tired of always getting dumped! And by the way, all my exs love me because I am a great girl.. It's just that the relationship never works out. Mainly because I have kids (who are teens now). And yes, my last bf wanted a gf with kids so I'm picking them right and always ending up wrong. Maybe wait until your kids leave home to start a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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