How do I leave my Marriage with 2 toddlers??

[ForChildrenSake23]

Hello everyone,

 

I really need some insight from a parent who have left their marriage with toddlers to think about.

 

I've known for a few years my marriage was over. Sad to say it was a few weeks after I married him, but at the same time I found out that I was pregnant with my first born. It started when I had to pond all my jewlery to provide food for me & my newborn daughter. I never met a man that would sit back & fall asleep peacefully knowing his family was starving. That was just a tid bit of the icing & it goes downhill from there.

 

I was raised to always work hard for what I wanted out of life, but because my past was severally broken with abuse, I fell victim of just accepting this was how my life is suppose to be. Unknowingly, Ive allow the wrong men in my life for years. This will be my second marriage & Im just now realizing I deserve better at the age of 37. I have 2 beautiful children (3yr old son, 5yr old daughter) that I am truly in love with. I look at both of them everyday, thinking about the promise I made them, to take care of them no matter what & to provide a life for them I never had.

 

However, my marriage dont allow room for that promise, because Im married to someone who dont even have a sense of life in them to have a beautiful family. My biggest problem is, Im afraid of being on my own with 2 kids & dont know how to start being a single mom. Can someone PLEASE HELP!!

 

Whats weird is, I know I can do it on my own, but scared to take the leep. I want me & my babies to be happy, but its not here. Im still young & full of life & so many goals, but my 55yr old husband makes me feel like Im the same age & my life is over. Ive never been on my own & dont know where or how to start..if your in Michigan & you know of some resources, please advise. I make good money on my own, just need the tools to help..

[loveboid]

Oh, I can only tell you what my mom did. My dad was the same way. She sold his Playboy magazines for money to buy food while pregnant with me. He spent all the money on toys yet wanted her to stay and got upset if she earned money on her own. It's economic abuse. Anyway....

 

She left when my sibling and I started school. She left us with him. She got a job, bought and paid off a condo, had us visit in the summers, and then took custody of us to live with her. We visited him on the weekends.

 

She had $45 when she left us and no high school diploma. She suspects her friend's kid stole that out of her purse. She waited tables until she got a better job. She got no child support, alimony, or division of assets (which were almost none). She paid no child support.

 

He neglected us in the meantime by the way.

 

If you can, save up more money and look up divorce laws. If you are in the U.S. you can stay in the marital home with the kids during the divorce. You can ask that he leave the residence and pay you support during the divorce. Ask for temporary alimony if you are married long enough to get you on your feet. Seek custody of the kids and ask for child support. Make sure you get half of whatever marital assets. Be informed.

[Mr. Lucky]

There are three Legal Aid offices in Michigan, here's the link to the one in Metro Detroit:

 

Legal Aid and Defender Association

 

Start with them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[amaysngrace]

I left when my two youngest were 5 and 6. Before I did anything I hired a lawyer to make sure that every move I made was legal and within my rights.

 

It's scary being a single mom when you first start out and then it turns out being harder than you thought. But...I have the best relationships with all three of my children.

 

Is this man you are married to a bad daddy? Or just a bad husband?

[ForChildrenSake23]

Thanks everyone for the advice. He's not abusive to me nor the children. The kids adore their dad, which is why its so hard for me to leave. I've always envisioned my offspring always having 2 parents in the home, but I know for a fact this marriage is over. I'm trying to search for a place, but its so expensive nowdays to find a home for 3 and furnish it. I welcome the advice & feedback, because Im at my wits end. There is so many things wrong with this marriage that I can write a book. I've tried counceling but he refuse to go & think everything is perfect. I cant deal & its driving me Bonkers!

[amaysngrace]

What changed about him to make you want to leave him and take your children away from the man that they adore?

[ForChildrenSake23]

Everything changed & it didnt happen overnight, I just tried to make it work all the time. To give a little more insight..The relationship broke down during the time we was about to get married. I thought we was bff & could talk about anything and everything. I really never visioned myself leaving this man, then he cheates & crushed me into pieces. I waited 8yrs to marry him, because we both met fresh out of divorcing of exes. I really loved him & decided to forgive & continue go marry him. After we got married, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter (which we both prayed for). However, again I found out he was cheating again with the same girl who happens to work with him. At the time, I was pregnant & very emotional and again scared to be on my own in such a situation, so I forgave again. Next, we went to file our Taxes & was suppose to use the money to prepare for our daughters arrival, but out of nowhere the IRS took all our money, because him & his Ex-wife owed on their taxes & never caught up, plus his daughter's mom (he had a daughter while married to his wife) filed child support & he never paid it. So, that left me & my newborn out of the equation to receive anything. Instead of him doing what a "real man" would do & find other means to help me provide for our family, he played like he had back problems & left me to fend for myself & daughter. So I guess the bottom line came when I found out 2yrs after my daughter was born that I was 3mos pregnant with my son. My son sat on my Spinal nerves in my 8mos of pregnancy & paralyzed me from waist down. I thought my husband would step up & really hold things down. Sad to say, No! He brought my daughter to the hospital to see me & she looked a mess & was starving. Im thinking all the time while I was in the hospital, things were ok at home. Well, in my 9th month, 33wks & 2 days to be exact. My son finally moved off my spinal nerves and the drs let me come home on bedrest until his arrival. I had to use a push chair to walk because it took the feeling in my legs to come back. The day I came home, he walked me to the front door & left me standing there. I had to yell for help to get up my outside steps. When I got in the house & manage to work myself around the house & to the kitchen, the fridge was only holding a gallon of water & the freezer was empty. I asked him why he didnt go to the market & he said he was broke & didnt have any money all week. Long story short, I had to make myself go into labor, so I could go get help. I found myself in the welfare line 3 days after coming home with my son, yet hes been with the Postal service 30+yrs, yet he only see $200 out of a $3k check. He dont do drugs or hang out, yet me & my 2 kids to this day never see a dime he make. However, I want to state on his behalf, he do cook the food I buy & wash the laundry every other week..but, is that enough to stay?? I can go on & on, but I wanted you to take a glimpse at a just a few of the reasons Im leaving.

[whichwayisup]

I certainly hope you two will have shared custody, it's not fair to take the kids and have full custody so he can't see his children as often as you do.

 

Did you two ever go to marriage counseling? Really communicate and listen to one another?

[amaysngrace]

How many kids does this guy have?

 

I'd go for individual counseling if I were you at a women's shelter in your area. It use to be free but ask to make sure.

 

They can probably guide you with where you should go from here and let you know just what's available for someone in your situation.

 

I'm really sorry that he's not being a good husband to you and that you're having a hard time.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really never visioned myself leaving this man, then he cheates & crushed me into pieces. I waited 8yrs to marry him, because we both met fresh out of divorcing of exes. I really loved him & decided to forgive & continue go marry him. After we got married, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter (which we both prayed for). However, again I found out he was cheating again with the same girl who happens to work with him. At the time, I was pregnant & very emotional and again scared to be on my own in such a situation, so I forgave again. Next, we went to file our Taxes & was suppose to use the money to prepare for our daughters arrival, but out of nowhere the IRS took all our money, because him & his Ex-wife owed on their taxes & never caught up, plus his daughter's mom (he had a daughter while married to his wife) filed child support & he never paid it.

 

You sound like a strong person, I'm pulling for you .

 

But at some point you're going to have to examine how the choices you make impact your life. Marrying a man who's cheated on you, bad idea. Marrying a man who had an affair and a daughter while married to his ex, bad idea. Staying with a man who's cheated on you twice, bad idea. Having a second child with a man who won't support the first - guess what, bad idea.

 

At the very least, it's time for some better ideas ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ForChildrenSake23]

Im not trying to prevent him from seeing the kids. My ideal divorce would be shared custody. Also, I realize as of today I deserve better & will now make better decisions going forward. I tried to do the whole marriage counceling thing and individual counceling, but I was the only one that went & his false promises to go never happened. I can only do so much, but I feel like a single mom living in the home with a stranger. I tried planning outtings because he said he would change. Well it lasted about a week, then right back to his old ways. Im done, I just want to make this a smooth process for the kids..

[sandylee1]

I can't imagine how and why you've put up with this for so long. A cheating husband. .. that cannot or will not support his family is more than I could accommodate.

 

Even if you can't afford to file for divorce.. get properly /legally seperated... making it clear that the marriage is over.

 

Part of the upside in marrying an older man should be his maturity and his ability to protect and support his family. He should be pleased he's got a younger wife...but he would let that family starve. It's very sad indeed. You will be better off without him and in time once settled.. you can have the chance of a better relationship with a decent and responsible man.

[MJJean]

By all means, contact social services agencies in your area. I live in SE MI, Wayne county. Here, by this time of year, all of the state and private charities are usually out of money, but I have heard that there is more help available in other areas.

 

Craigslist is your friend. If you look regularly throughout the day, it's not hard to find the household items you need, gently used, and inexpensive. My favorite CL find this year is an awesome red couch and love seat set for my living room, in excellent condition and only months old, that I got for $100 because the original owners moved and the set wasn't right for their new living room. A few weeks before, I got an L shaped sectional for my family room, with extra cushions and ottoman, also just a few months old, for $300, because the couple were having a surprise baby and needed to turn their tv room into a nursery.

 

The trick is to be one of the first to respond to an ad and to ask that you be given dibs if an item sale falls through. It might take a few days of stalking the furniture or appliance ads, but like new items can be had at a very reasonable cost if you put the effort into it.

 

If your divorce is going to be amicable, there isn't a complicated list of assets to be divided and you agree on custody arrangements, you can handle your divorce without an attorney. I paid about $250 for mine, including paperwork, filing fees, and parking. If you're in Wayne county, you can file uncontested divorce online. If you are low income, you can ask that your fees be waived.

[strow]

I've known for a few years my marriage was over. Sad to say it was a few weeks after I married him, but at the same time I found out that I was pregnant with my first born.

 

Well you had something to do with that.

 

I fell victim of just accepting this was how my life is suppose to be.

 

Regardless of what you decide to do going forward, you need to lose the victim mentality. Things don't just happen to you.

 

Unknowingly, Ive allow the wrong men in my life for years. This will be my second marriage & Im just now realizing I deserve better at the age of 37.

 

You are repeating the same mistakes! Because you didn't learn the first time. Or the second time apparently.

 

I look at both of them everyday, thinking about the promise I made them, to take care of them no matter what & to provide a life for them I never had.

 

You brought them into a troubled marriage that was destined for failure. You broke your promise before they were even conceived.

 

but my 55yr old husband makes me feel like Im the same age & my life is over.

 

Please stop blaming your husband for making you feel a certain way.

 

That's part of the whole victim mentality thing.

[ShatteredLady]

Do you own your home or rent? You say that you earn good money. Can you afford to stay in the house? Remember you will be getting child support from your H. It's best not to move & disrupt the kids if it can be helped.

 

My friend is a single parent of 3. He hires great nannies from the local university. He background checks & questions them & sets clear instructions for their activities while he's working. It's a lot cheaper than childcare in our area.

 

I have a friend who worked in a preschool whilst going through her divorce. She got a big discount for her kids & trained to be a teacher at the same time. You say you earn good money though so this probably isn't necessary.

 

I hope that both of you can deal with this maturely & coparent well for the sake of your kids.

[ForChildrenSake23]

Great feedback Everyone. For "Strow"..I never played the victim and I know what I did wrong. Someone asked for more insight to how I came up to my decision & I pointed out a few things that took place. More things took place that I didnt mention, but hey, Ive lived it and learnt from it, but I will never claim or act as victim. If you read my post correctly, I asked some input of how to go about doing things. Im not bitter at all either, because I know I made a mess & thats why Im cleaning it up & asking for advice on how to do things right. Thanks for the feedback though, but what you pointed out, I already knew.

 

For the others that gave awesome advice, thank you. Ive been taking it all into consideration & actually spoke to an attorney today. He also gave great insight & said I was on the right track alrwady to make it a smooth process for the overrall family.

 

What I also want to state that I dont hate my hisband, I just realized that we are both going 2 different ways & total opposites. I know I should have been left, but I wanted to try everything in my power to fix things before it came to this. I know going forward ( after heavy counciling) what I need to do to have the relationships I deserve. My past had a lot to do with my decisions, but as of today (Ive been doing counciling on my own for a yr) Im so much stronger & better?

[Mr. Lucky]

Keep us posted on your progress. Great to see someone willing to fight for their kids and their future. You'll find each step brings you closer to a better future and takes you further away from the unhappiness in your past...

 

Mr. Lucky