Daughter in law problems

[smagee]

Hi everyone. I am new here and really hoping for some advice. I know this scenario may not make a lot of sense, so I am hoping I am typing my thoughts out OK.

 

I have 2 adult children, a son and a daughter. They are close in age and both have 1 child each. My son and daughter in law live in the same city as my husband and I (with their daughter who is 2), and my daughter lives an hour and a half away with her husband and their son who is 6. I spent a great majority of my grandson's life helping to raise him along with a live in nanny, as my daughter and her husband are both academics with active social lives. I have always spent far more time with my grandson than my granddaughter as a result, despite the fact that my granddaughter has a developmental disability. My husband and I think my daughter needs help more due to her professional and lifestyle choices, and travel to her home very often to care for her child.

 

My son on the other hand and his wife struggle financially and with their daughter. His wife and I really got along in the beginning of their relationship, but that really seemed to change after they got married and especially after they had their daughter. I get the feeling she does not like me (or my daughter for that matter). I will give some examples, and would love your honest insights, opinions and feedback please and thank you.

 

For example, she just does not do things our families way. When I went to visit my granddaughter after she was born I noticed their home was very clean and commented on it and said innocently "you know, my daughter's home isn't that clean because she feels that the baby is more important". Her response? A sarcastic "wow! good for her!"

 

She sends thank you cards for everything and cards on every occasion and I do not understand it, do the same, or taught my kids to do this. When I asked her why she does this, she responded "it's how I was raised, and how I would like to raise my daughter". She sends us valentines from my granddaughter (we don't send one back) and sends me a mother's day card, to which I do not thank her for or return one or encourage it in any way.

 

She and my son have also alluded in the past that they feel my husband and I play "favorites" with my daughter's son by spending far more time with him. Another example of her possible dislike for me was when one time I asked her how her friend Barb was doing, who I had met previously at some of my son and daughter in laws events. She responded "Oh I haven't talked to Barb in a long time", to which I simply said "Just because I don't really like certain people doesn't mean I wouldn't not talk to them". She appeared to get annoyed by this.

 

I was visiting my son's house recently and everything was going well. My daughter in law mentioned a program she discovered that would give her and my son some respite for special needs kids. I told her my opinion, that she did not need respite and that it is a parents job to look after their child with special needs. She completely ignored me. A few minutes later she mentioned how sorry she felt for a friend of hers, as this friend was a single parent of twins with autism. My suggestion was "well maybe she should do right by her kids and hire a live in nanny like my daughter does". Her snarky response? "Well, not everyone is a doctor who can afford a live in nanny like your daughter does". I began to argue back and she interrupted me and walked upstairs without saying goodbye. Another time I suggested to her not to tell other parents at her disabled child's support group that my granddaughter had a disability, because some of the other parents have kids with even worse disabilities. She even seemed to get upset over this!

 

Another time I said to my granddaughter "you wouldn't be so lonely if you had a brother or sister, would you?" and my daughter in law immediately snapped back "she isn't lonely". She gets so defensive...I feel like I can't say anything!

 

She gets along quite well with my husband. It has come to the point she mostly avoids all of our family events and just my son and granddaughter will attend.

 

I just don't understand her and her attitude or the way she does things at all. Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship between myself, my daughter in law, my son and my granddaughter?

 

Thank you all SO much.

Edited February 21, 2016 by smagee

[d0nnivain]

Speaking as the D-I-L, I don't "get" how my husband's family functions any more then you understand your DIL. The problem isn't that one way is right or wrong. It's just different. Nothing she did was bad. I mean come on you are actually complaining that her house is clean & she sends thank you notes. Do you hear yourself?

 

 

If she doesn't like you it's because she thinks you are criticizing her all the time & look down on her. If I had just had a kid and had a clean house but my MIL said that her bio daughter's house wasn't as clean & thereby implied that I was a bad mother, I'd think you hated me & I would resent you too.

 

Your crack about not needing respite from a special needs child is cruel & shows a complete lack of understanding

 

Instead of pointing out the differences, celebrate them & see what you can learn from your DIL.

 

 

IMO, you caused this rift so you are obligated to fix it. Try asking her out to lunch & apologize for your attitude.

[Imajerk17]

Hi everyone. I am new here and really hoping for some advice. I know this scenario may not make a lot of sense, so I am hoping I am typing my thoughts out OK.

 

I have 2 adult children, a son and a daughter. They are close in age and both have 1 child each. My son and daughter in law live in the same city as my husband and I (with their daughter who is 2), and my daughter lives an hour and a half away with her husband and their son who is 6. I spent a great majority of my grandson's life helping to raise him along with a live in nanny, as my daughter and her husband are both academics with active social lives. I have always spent far more time with my grandson than my granddaughter as a result, despite the fact that my granddaughter has a developmental disability. My husband and I think my daughter needs help more due to her professional and lifestyle choices, and travel to her home very often to care for her child.

 

My son on the other hand and his wife struggle financially and with their daughter. His wife and I really got along in the beginning of their relationship, but that really seemed to change after they got married and especially after they had their daughter. I get the feeling she does not like me (or my daughter for that matter). I will give some examples, and would love your honest insights, opinions and feedback please and thank you.

 

For example, she just does not do things our families way. When I went to visit my granddaughter after she was born I noticed their home was very clean and commented on it and said innocently "you know, my daughter's home isn't that clean because she feels that the baby is more important". Her response? A sarcastic "wow! good for her!"

 

She sends thank you cards for everything and cards on every occasion and I do not understand it, do the same, or taught my kids to do this. When I asked her why she does this, she responded "it's how I was raised, and how I would like to raise my daughter". She sends us valentines from my granddaughter (we don't send one back) and sends me a mother's day card, to which I do not thank her for or return one or encourage it in any way.

 

She and my son have also alluded in the past that they feel my husband and I play "favorites" with my daughter's son by spending far more time with him. Another example of her possible dislike for me was when one time I asked her how her friend Barb was doing, who I had met previously at some of my son and daughter in laws events. She responded "Oh I haven't talked to Barb in a long time", to which I simply said "Just because I don't really like certain people doesn't mean I wouldn't not talk to them". She appeared to get annoyed by this.

 

I was visiting my son's house recently and everything was going well. My daughter in law mentioned a program she discovered that would give her and my son some respite for special needs kids. I told her my opinion, that she did not need respite and that it is a parents job to look after their child with special needs. She completely ignored me. A few minutes later she mentioned how sorry she felt for a friend of hers, as this friend was a single parent of twins with autism. My suggestion was "well maybe she should do right by her kids and hire a live in nanny like my daughter does". Her snarky response? "Well, not everyone is a doctor who can afford a live in nanny like your daughter does". I began to argue back and she interrupted me and walked upstairs without saying goodbye. Another time I suggested to her not to tell other parents at her disabled child's support group that my granddaughter had a disability, because some of the other parents have kids with even worse disabilities. She even seemed to get upset over this!

 

Another time I said to my granddaughter "you wouldn't be so lonely if you had a brother or sister, would you?" and my daughter in law immediately snapped back "she isn't lonely". She gets so defensive...I feel like I can't say anything!

 

She gets along quite well with my husband. It has come to the point she mostly avoids all of our family events and just my son and granddaughter will attend.

 

I just don't understand her and her attitude or the way she does things at all. Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship between myself, my daughter in law, my son and my granddaughter?

 

Thank you all SO much.

 

Is this even a serious thread? If I were your daughter-in-law I'd be pissed at you too. You sound meddlesome, insulting, and obtuse. Like denser than lead, and about as toxic. Its none of your business how your DIL handles her friendship w "Barb" for one thing. In the other examples I posted you took passive-aggressive jabs at your DIL for her parenting skills (of her special-needs child you hardly even see), and even for being thoughtful enough to send Thank-You notes (!)

 

Frankly you sound like the MIL From Hell. You have SERIOUS work to do on boundaries and "seeing" other people.

Edited February 21, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone. I am new here and really hoping for some advice. I know this scenario may not make a lot of sense, so I am hoping I am typing my thoughts out OK.

 

I have 2 adult children, a son and a daughter. They are close in age and both have 1 child each. My son and daughter in law live in the same city as my husband and I (with their daughter who is 2), and my daughter lives an hour and a half away with her husband and their son who is 6. I spent a great majority of my grandson's life helping to raise him along with a live in nanny, as my daughter and her husband are both academics with active social lives. I have always spent far more time with my grandson than my granddaughter as a result, despite the fact that my granddaughter has a developmental disability. My husband and I think my daughter needs help more due to her professional and lifestyle choices, and travel to her home very often to care for her child.

 

My son on the other hand and his wife struggle financially and with their daughter. His wife and I really got along in the beginning of their relationship, but that really seemed to change after they got married and especially after they had their daughter. I get the feeling she does not like me (or my daughter for that matter). I will give some examples, and would love your honest insights, opinions and feedback please and thank you.

 

For example, she just does not do things our families way. When I went to visit my granddaughter after she was born I noticed their home was very clean and commented on it and said innocently "you know, my daughter's home isn't that clean because she feels that the baby is more important". Her response? A sarcastic "wow! good for her!"

 

She sends thank you cards for everything and cards on every occasion and I do not understand it, do the same, or taught my kids to do this. When I asked her why she does this, she responded "it's how I was raised, and how I would like to raise my daughter". She sends us valentines from my granddaughter (we don't send one back) and sends me a mother's day card, to which I do not thank her for or return one or encourage it in any way.

 

She and my son have also alluded in the past that they feel my husband and I play "favorites" with my daughter's son by spending far more time with him. Another example of her possible dislike for me was when one time I asked her how her friend Barb was doing, who I had met previously at some of my son and daughter in laws events. She responded "Oh I haven't talked to Barb in a long time", to which I simply said "Just because I don't really like certain people doesn't mean I wouldn't not talk to them". She appeared to get annoyed by this.

 

I was visiting my son's house recently and everything was going well. My daughter in law mentioned a program she discovered that would give her and my son some respite for special needs kids. I told her my opinion, that she did not need respite and that it is a parents job to look after their child with special needs. She completely ignored me. A few minutes later she mentioned how sorry she felt for a friend of hers, as this friend was a single parent of twins with autism. My suggestion was "well maybe she should do right by her kids and hire a live in nanny like my daughter does". Her snarky response? "Well, not everyone is a doctor who can afford a live in nanny like your daughter does". I began to argue back and she interrupted me and walked upstairs without saying goodbye. Another time I suggested to her not to tell other parents at her disabled child's support group that my granddaughter had a disability, because some of the other parents have kids with even worse disabilities. She even seemed to get upset over this!

 

Another time I said to my granddaughter "you wouldn't be so lonely if you had a brother or sister, would you?" and my daughter in law immediately snapped back "she isn't lonely". She gets so defensive...I feel like I can't say anything!

 

She gets along quite well with my husband. It has come to the point she mostly avoids all of our family events and just my son and granddaughter will attend.

 

I just don't understand her and her attitude or the way she does things at all. Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship between myself, my daughter in law, my son and my granddaughter?

 

Thank you all SO much.

"you know, my daughter's home isn't that clean because she feels that the baby is more important" -- This comes across as some kind of back handed compliment. I understand why she was put off by it. It implies that she's spending too much time keeping the house clean instead of tending to the baby.

She sends thank you cards for everything and cards on every occasion and I do not understand it -- Seriously?

 

"Just because I don't really like certain people doesn't mean I wouldn't not talk to them". -- You are criticizing her and assuming that she didn't talk to Barb because of dislike. You don't know why they haven't talked and made an assumption. People don't like to have someone try to read their minds.

 

"you wouldn't be so lonely if you had a brother or sister, would you?" -- You are implying that your granddaughter is lonely and possibly suggesting that they have another child -- controlling.

 

Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship between myself, my daughter in law, my son and my granddaughter? -- Yes, stop meddling and making back handed, surreptitiously critical, controlling remarks.

Edited February 21, 2016 by Redhead14

[smagee]

She sends thank you cards for everything and cards on every occasion and I do not understand it -- Seriously?

 

I guess I just feel like she is trying to act morally superior to me and my daughter who do not reciprocate

[Redhead14]

I guess I just feel like she is trying to act morally superior to me and my daughter who do not reciprocate

 

Why does it have to be about you? That's the root of this thread. Lots and lots of people send thank you notes for things. I doubt you are the only one she sends notes to. I send thank you notes, my children send notes. I get notes from people. Just because you don't do that, doesn't mean there's anything odd or that there's some kind of ulterior motive. You are seeing an ulterior motive because that's the way you think. That's evident in your comments/questions to her. You say things with an underlying/hidden message.

[BlueIris]

Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship between myself, my daughter in law, my son and my granddaughter?

 

Thank you all SO much.

 

Yes. Stop talking down to her, telling her what to do and that she is doing things the wrong way. Be gracious and respectful for heaven’s sake. Judgey because she sends you cards? That’s a nice thing for her to do. Shaming her out of getting help? Then you should help her.

 

Focus on the things about her that you admire- if there are any. If there aren’t, look within.

Edited February 21, 2016 by BlueIris

[Satu]

*I just don't understand her and her attitude or the way she does things at all. *Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship between myself, my daughter in law, my son and my granddaughter?

 

Thank you all SO much.

 

*Yes, there is.

 

Stop meddling, interfering, and passing judgement.

 

 

Take care.

[newmoon]

my mother (and i) do not get along at all with my sister in law, my mother's daughter in law. we have seen a complete change in my brother since he married the woman and also in the grandchild and how he behaves. there are new 'rules' and etc. and it's VERY difficult to even talk with my brother and his son now that he and the woman are married b/c he takes all advice from his wife. which is fine. my mom and i have made the decision to just 'let them be' so to speak. you have to really focus on living your own life and in no way interfere at all in theirs. you kind of have to disengage a bit and assume a new role. the d-i-l was friendly before the marriage to gain your favor and your sons as well; now that they are married her 'real' personality can come out. you are a secondary person in your son's life now anyway (and daughter, for that matter) b/c the spouse becomes the first point of contact for your children. focus more on being a grandmother and not a mother anymore, if that makes sense. put your efforts into the grandchildren and not the adults. you don't have to like anything she does, and you don't have to reciprocate in kind either if she does cards/gifts or anything another way. but don't assume your way is right, hers is wrong, or etc. it's just different and neither person needs to adopt the others' habits.

Edited February 21, 2016 by newmoon

[basil67]

In full agreement with the other posts so far.

[LydiaLong]

No offense, but I wouldn't like you either. Making snarky comments to her and being a busybody. I think the problem is you and not the daughter-in-law.

[Satu]

Just an off-the-cuff thought.

 

"Forsaking all others," can be understood to mean that his wife is the 'top woman' in his life. She is the one who he makes decisions with.

 

You can't be number one.

 

You can only be number two, at best.

 

You are seeking something that isn't your due.

[soleilesquire]

The root of this problem is you, not her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with most others here. I don't think you are intentionally condescending to her...but you certainly have a way of saying things that are a double edged sword.

 

You may have done enough damage at this point that you have set the tone for the relationship.

 

A hug and an I am sorry if i hurt you...can go a long way....but more than that...think about what you say to her before you say it.

 

I hope you can repair some of the damage you have done.....I adore my daughter in law...and think of her as a friend. I would hate to lose her simply because i was extremely insensitive and it could have all been prevented if i had just been kinder.

[d0nnivain]

smagee

 

 

Re-read all of our responses. Think about how much it stings that we have said these things to you We weren't trying to be mean. But now think about how much more awful it would feel if we knew you. Multiply that by about 10 & that is how your DIL feels.

 

 

Now think about how you -- the MIL -- will fix it.

 

 

I'd start with an I'm sorry then go from there.

 

 

Best wishes.

[Redhead14]

smagee

 

 

Re-read all of our responses. Think about how much it stings that we have said these things to you We weren't trying to be mean. But now think about how much more awful it would feel if we knew you. Multiply that by about 10 & that is how your DIL feels.

 

 

Now think about how you -- the MIL -- will fix it.

 

 

I'd start with an I'm sorry then go from there.

 

 

Best wishes.

 

Yes, it's not about being mean, it's about a dose of reality and clarity about the behavior. The truth hurts, but it also sets you free and helps a person to look more closely and focus.

[xxoo]

Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship between myself, my daughter in law, my son and my granddaughter?

 

Thank you all SO much.

 

Yes.

 

When you have the impulse to say something to your DIL about the way she does things, first ask yourself these questions:

 

Is it true?

Is it kind?

Is it necessary?

Does it improve upon your silence?

 

If the answer is no to any of these, don't say it. Simple

 

You don't need to understand her. Is she a good wife to your son and mother to your grandchild? Yes, she is. Be grateful. Treat her with the love and respect you'd give for your own daughter.

[Redhead14]

The best way to support a son who marries, is to support the relationship -- you haven't lost your son, you've gained a daughter . . . unless she's doing things that harm her family, it's the MIL's job to support, not interfere.

[MuddyFootprints]

I fully expect that I'll be a mother-in-law from hell, too. Saying that, my hypothetical daughter-in-law would earn a lot of respect from me if she challenged me and put me in my place when I need it.

 

I have a lot to learn from my future daughter-in-law.

 

[Ms. Faust]

I thought this was a tongue in cheek thread about MiL from hell. Sorry, but the things you say to your DiL and the way you treat her sounds God awful.

 

Actually, your DiL is a gracious saint for allowing you to stay in her family's life. We would be having words if you talked to me this way. I hope you learn to treat people with less condescension and more kindness.

[MuddyFootprints]

And you should absolutely expect to have words.

 

It's a difficult role shift for both of them.

 

I wasn't the easiest daughter-in-law, either.

[bachdude]

I told her my opinion, that she did not need respite and that it is a parents job to look after their child with special needs.

 

I really can't take this seriously. It's a funny example of a MIL from hell and that's it.

[whichwayisup]

For example, she just does not do things our families way.

 

So what? Sorry to say this but it seems you're slightly judgemental towards her and don't like how she does thing. You see it all as negative not positive. It's great that she sends cards out, vday, thank you notes, it's just a kind thing to do.

 

How she keeps her house is none of your business. I can see that the comments bother her and she's reacting defensively because she may think you're being critical and cutting her down as a mom, a wife etc.

 

Be loving, be open minded, supportive and just accept her for who she is. A woman who loves your son and treats him well.

[bu2002]

 

I just don't understand her and her attitude or the way she does things at all. Is there anything I could do to improve this relationship between myself, my daughter in law, my son and my granddaughter?

 

Thank you all SO much.

 

Stop being condescending and judgemental towards her. Start being kind and understanding of their situation.

 

If you can't comprehend why what you've said could come across as condescending and judgemental, then I would seek a behavioral professional.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I just feel like she is trying to act morally superior to me and my daughter who do not reciprocate

 

How exactly?