Daughter in law problems

[Raena]

This has to be a joke. You can't possibly believe that you say those things to her in that manner and can't understand why she wouldn't like you so much.

 

If you really want to help her and be more involved in your granddaughters life, then learn about her disability and offer to help more. Stop talking about her cleaning abilities or even remotely comparing her to your daughter.

 

The reality is, most people can't afford a nanny, respite work is MUCH needed for parents of children with disabilities, keeping a clean house is highly recommended and sending thank you notes and cards for holidays is normal behavior.

 

Being condescending, critical, bragging that your daughter is lazy about housework and pawns her child off on a nanny or you all the time and being a nosy busy body who can't even say thank you or acknowledge when someone does so to you is not even remotely something to be proud of.

 

If you can't see that, then nothing will ever change.

[smagee]

Thank you everyone. I am starting to see the error of my ways. Someone posted that I did not lose my son but gained a daughter- great perspective. When my son first married her she tried once to call me "mom" and I corrected her to call me by my first name. I am hurt that she will no longer attend our family functions to be honest but am now reflecting on maybe why- what do you all think? My son recently confided to me that a few months ago his wife had gone into treatment for alcoholism and was now sober. We kept this secret in our family and did not acknowledge it. At the next family event, someone offered her a drink and she declined, saying she was in recovery. I was rather embarrassed by this in all honesty. We were then sitting around the table and my daughter and her husband continually made jokes about alcohol and drinking (they are regular drinkers) in front of my daughter in law, who then left early. She has since not come to a family event.

[d0nnivain]

Between your attitude & the booze, I can't blame her for not wanting to attend family functions. You all have a long way to go if you want to repair this rift.

[BlueIris]

I think that the things that are rankling you about her (sending cards, cleaning her house, being sober, raising a child with a developmental disability without your help, etc.) are highlighting your own family’s shortcomings and that is what is upsetting you.

Edited February 22, 2016 by BlueIris

[Tayla]

Thank you everyone. At the next family event, someone offered her a drink and she declined, saying she was in recovery. I was rather embarrassed by this in all honesty.

 

Glad you feel that your honesty of how you feel determines the matter at hand. Interesting that if someone had said they were diabetic and could not have the cake being offered you wouldn't think twice, yet let it be about another ailment and you are embarrassed? Wonder what pre-conceived notion you have that needs to be re-evaluated?

 

I'm not embarrassed when someone declines a drink or chooses to hold their head up in public after working thru an ailment. Says much about their willingness to accept responsibility for it and attend to it.

 

Let us know when you wish to hold your head in humility, for you genuinely have much to re-evaluate and apologize for. Yet its yours to do, we can only stand by and allow you the chance to outgrow these old thoughts.

[SoleMate]

OP, you need to do more than say "sorry". You need to tell her honestly that you see how wrong your behavior was, how deeply you regret it, and how earnestly you're pleading for a chance to be better.

 

Regardless of how DIL reacts or responds, start BEING better. Start being the MIL you should have been all along. The one who looks for every good thing and praises it with warmth and sincerity, while overlooking anything that may not need comment.

 

The one who happily visits the DIL and granddaughter, is eager to hear about milestones, showers GD with warmth and love, and heck, let's get crazy, even babysits for a few hours once a month! The one who puts at least as much time and effort into the r/s with son, DIL, and GD (you know, the financially struggling family with the handicapped child) as she does to the wealthy family with the unimpaired child.

 

Every remark you've described yourself making to DIL has a subtext (or in so,e cases, an overt statement) of "DIL is different and lesser and deserves criticism and disparagement at all times". Your DIL's reaction is completely predictable (except that she has been quite restrained; plenty of women would have pushed back way harder).

 

Here's a list of practical steps I recommend you take:

 

1. Heartfelt apology with no subtexts, excuses, or rationalization
   
2. Ask about GD in a loving and accepting way - at least once per week
   
3. Ask how you can learn more about GD's special needs
   
4. Ask how you can be a better MIL - listen only, do not argue, excuse or blame
   
5. Find one thing to sincerely praise about DIL every time you talk to her - this should be easy as she has many virtues based on your own account
   
6. Every time you think of DIL, examine your own heart and see what's living there - if it's your own poor self-esteem or self-hatred, learn to forgive yourself too
   
7. Let your son know privately that you're deeply sorry for the way you've treated his family and seek his advice and help in what you can do better. Again, listen only
   
8. Read The Feeling Good Handbook to learn more about relationships
   
9. etc.
   

 

Good luck.

[Redhead14]

Thank you everyone. I am starting to see the error of my ways. Someone posted that I did not lose my son but gained a daughter- great perspective. When my son first married her she tried once to call me "mom" and I corrected her to call me by my first name. I am hurt that she will no longer attend our family functions to be honest but am now reflecting on maybe why- what do you all think? My son recently confided to me that a few months ago his wife had gone into treatment for alcoholism and was now sober. We kept this secret in our family and did not acknowledge it. At the next family event, someone offered her a drink and she declined, saying she was in recovery. I was rather embarrassed by this in all honesty. We were then sitting around the table and my daughter and her husband continually made jokes about alcohol and drinking (they are regular drinkers) in front of my daughter in law, who then left early. She has since not come to a family event.

 

You seem to be adopting a better attitude. If she is in early recovery which is at least a year or so, she is wise to remove herself from being around and exposed to environments that include drinking. In the very early stages of recovery the process is very fragile still. She's doing it right. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You KNOW she is making the effort and being wise. Support that at all costs.

[sandylee1]

In every example you've given.. YOU were at fault. Mother in laws should be more sensitive.

 

You were totally wrong about the comment of their home being clean. It suggests she isn't taking care of her child properly.

 

You raised your kids a certain way. You are being rude not thanking her for a mothers day card and before I say anymore I need to pause.

 

I struggle to believe that any reasonable rationale human being would say the things you did.

I feel sorry for your DIL.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you everyone. I am starting to see the error of my ways. Someone posted that I did not lose my son but gained a daughter- great perspective. When my son first married her she tried once to call me "mom" and I corrected her to call me by my first name. I am hurt that she will no longer attend our family functions to be honest but am now reflecting on maybe why- what do you all think? My son recently confided to me that a few months ago his wife had gone into treatment for alcoholism and was now sober. We kept this secret in our family and did not acknowledge it. At the next family event, someone offered her a drink and she declined, saying she was in recovery. I was rather embarrassed by this in all honesty. We were then sitting around the table and my daughter and her husband continually made jokes about alcohol and drinking (they are regular drinkers) in front of my daughter in law, who then left early. She has since not come to a family event.

 

Bolded. YOU hurt HER by not allowing her to call you mom. She thought of you as real family and you demanding to be called by your first name was the beginning of the end - So, after years of your put downs and comments she no longer wants to attend family functions. I don't blame her one bit as you've made her feel like crap. You ALL have made her feel like crap, it's SHOCKING that you don't see this? You can't be this oblivious about what you've done and how you've mistreated her?!!

 

You're ashamed of her and she's shown strength and courage by getting help and not drinking anymore. Shame on you, your daughter and for making fun of her. Good for HER to not attend family gatherings. I'm surprised your son hasn't cut you out of his life completely.

[SunnyWeather]

making fun of someone in recovery is really sick and cruel

 

there are so many projections and insecurities being displayed on you part, OP, I suggest you get a therapist to walk through some of this ill begotten behavior. Not only you, but your whole family system as well. You all are ganging up on her!

 

that is so messed up. If I were her, I'd move my family as far away from your toxic brood and be done with you. Then you wouldn't have to be 'embarrassed" by her and your grandchild anymore.

 

shame on you

[SunnyWeather]

Bolded. I'm surprised your son hasn't cut you out of his life completely.

 

 

good point. He needs to step up and not allow this abusive behavior to continue

[GunslingerRoland]

You hate your daughter in law. It shows through in every single thin you say to her and sadly in your treatment of your own grandchild. I am really hoping this thread isn't real. If it is, it's very sad.

 

You need to take a look at your actions and words, and decide if this is really the person you want to be.

[Satu]

Where is the love?

 

I don't see any.

[VeveCakes]

This thread can't be real!

 

I want to know why you support the daughter with the "good job" and help her with child care when your other child is in greater financial need and has a

Special needs child who could probably use the help more?

 

No need to repeat what has been said other than I agree you are judgemental and rude and it's no wonder she doesn't like you.

[smagee]

This thread can't be real!

 

I want to know why you support the daughter with the "good job" and help her with child care when your other child is in greater financial need and has a

Special needs child who could probably use the help more?

 

No need to repeat what has been said other than I agree you are judgemental and rude and it's no wonder she doesn't like you.

 

I guess my thought process had been that my daughter and her husband needed/need a lot of help with their child to get where they are today in their careers, whereas my son and daughter in law work at jobs that do not require education. Also, my daughter in law won't even come to her nephew's birthday parties (my daughter's son). She will buy the gift and card and just let my son and granddaughter come alone. I don't think she should be taking anything out on the kids. I just wanted to clarify that my daughter and her husband weren't making fun of DIL being an alcoholic- they were just laughing and joking about alcohol in general (ie they love drinking wine, they went out with their friends the night before drinking etc)

Edited February 22, 2016 by smagee

[Satu]

I guess my thought process had been that my daughter and her husband needed/need a lot of help with their child to get where they are today in their careers, whereas my son and daughter in law work at jobs that do not require education. Also, my daughter in law won't even come to her nephew's birthday parties (my daughter's son). She will buy the gift and card and just let my son and granddaughter come alone. I don't think she should be taking anything out on the kids. I just wanted to clarify that my daughter and her husband weren't making fun of DIL being an alcoholic- they were just laughing and joking about alcohol in general (ie they love drinking wine, they went out with their friends the night before drinking etc)

 

And there you are again with the judgement.

[VeveCakes]

If they want more education and they have kids can they not arrange and pay for their own child care? I mean it's awesome to be involved in your grandkids lives but not if you are being one sided. I know exactly how it feels to be the person who gets less support from a parent and it sucks.

 

Her not going is not punishing the kids. She might have her own reasons, have you ever stopped to ask? She sends a gift and a card, she is thinking about them.

[BlueIris]

I guess my thought process had been that my daughter and her husband needed/need a lot of help with their child to get where they are today in their careers, whereas my son and daughter in law work at jobs that do not require education. Also, my daughter in law won't even come to her nephew's birthday parties (my daughter's son). She will buy the gift and card and just let my son and granddaughter come alone. I don't think she should be taking anything out on the kids. I just wanted to clarify that my daughter and her husband weren't making fun of DIL being an alcoholic- they were just laughing and joking about alcohol in general (i.e. they love drinking wine, they went out with their friends the night before drinking etc)

 

I think that you're sincere in not understanding what we're saying. Your level of obtuseness makes me think that it is much deeper than your DIL. There's something toxic going on in your family and I think your son probably needs to move away (with wife and child).

 

That’s not helpful though. I’m just so flabbergasted by your attitude!

 

Do you see how you are being rude? Or do not see it?

 

What would you do if someone was repeatedly putting you down?

Edited February 22, 2016 by BlueIris

[sandylee1]

I guess my thought process had been that my daughter and her husband needed/need a lot of help with their child to get where they are today in their careers, whereas my son and daughter in law work at jobs that do not require education. Also, my daughter in law won't even come to her nephew's birthday parties (my daughter's son). She will buy the gift and card and just let my son and granddaughter come alone. I don't think she should be taking anything out on the kids. I just wanted to clarify that my daughter and her husband weren't making fun of DIL being an alcoholic- they were just laughing and joking about alcohol in general (ie they love drinking wine, they went out with their friends the night before drinking etc)

 

This is very sad.

 

I call my parents in law mom and dad. When I married their son they welcomed me into the family.

 

If my MIL behaved like you.. I would make every excuse under the sun not to be in your company.

 

Would you like your daughter treated this way by her MIL?

 

Your DIL sounds like a lovely girl..... but one day she'll have had enough of your bad insensitive behaviour and she'll loose it with you. I suggest you examine your actions... or your son will also keep you at arms length.

 

You know the saying .... "A son is a son until he marries a wife"

[turnera]

For example, she just does not do things our families way. When I went to visit my granddaughter after she was born I noticed their home was very clean and commented on it and said innocently "you know, my daughter's home isn't that clean because she feels that the baby is more important". Her response? A sarcastic "wow! good for her!"

 

You seriously said that to her? If I were her, I would have said something MUCH stronger - and ruder - to you in response.

 

You flat out said "MY daughter is a BETTER MOTHER than you."

 

Wow!

 

And I love the way you include "OUR way" as if that's the 'proper' way, and made sure to insist that YOU 'innocently' spoke yet she 'sarcastically' spoke.

 

Don't be surprised to find yourself cut out of your son's life pretty soon if you keep this up.

 

smh

 

I was visiting my son's house recently and everything was going well. My daughter in law mentioned a program she discovered that would give her and my son some respite for special needs kids. I told her my opinion, that she did not need respite and that it is a parent's job to look after their child with special needs. She completely ignored me. A few minutes later she mentioned how sorry she felt for a friend of hers, as this friend was a single parent of twins with autism. My suggestion was "well maybe she should do right by her kids and hire a live in nanny like my daughter does". Her snarky response? "Well, not everyone is a doctor who can afford a live in nanny like your daughter does". I began to argue back and she interrupted me and walked upstairs without saying goodbye.

 

I can't believe she didn't kick you out of HER HOUSE. I notice you don't even see it as hers, but your son's. Are you always this rude?

Edited February 22, 2016 by turnera

[turnera]

I guess my thought process had been that my daughter and her husband needed/need a lot of help with their child to get where they are today in their careers, whereas my son and daughter in law work at jobs that do not require education.

Ah, so she's not worth bragging about, eh? How condescending. She doesn't need help because who cares if she succeeds in her job? It's just a commoner's job.

 

Also, my daughter in law won't even come to her nephew's birthday parties (my daughter's son). She will buy the gift and card and just let my son and granddaughter come alone. I don't think she should be taking anything out on the kids.

Can you blame her? She'd have to be around you. And God knows what you'll say about her in front of everyone else, if she knows you have this much disdain for her. Why subject herself to ridicule and unhappiness?

[stillafool]

I guess my thought process had been that my daughter and her husband needed/need a lot of help with their child to get where they are today in their careers, whereas my son and daughter in law work at jobs that do not require education. Also, my daughter in law won't even come to her nephew's birthday parties (my daughter's son). She will buy the gift and card and just let my son and granddaughter come alone. I don't think she should be taking anything out on the kids. I just wanted to clarify that my daughter and her husband weren't making fun of DIL being an alcoholic- they were just laughing and joking about alcohol in general (ie they love drinking wine, they went out with their friends the night before drinking etc)

 

She isn't taking her anger out on the kids, she bought him a gift and a card. Plus she let her daughter come to her cousins party. What else do you want from this woman. I think she has good manners.

[Satu]

I find it very sad that some people literally do not know what love is.

 

How can people live like that?

[newmoon]

i don't think she's required to love, or like, the d-i-l just because the son married her. she didn't marry the woman, she doesn't owe her any kindness, and as we age - i assume the OP is a senior, or close to it - we are less inclined to change and be completely set in our ways. so, expecting the OP to change for this girl is ridiculous and doesn't honor the values of the OP. the responses bash the OP without really considering her values; the OP doesn't have to do anything and can mock and ridicule the d-i-l as much as she wants. but, she will need to live with any consequences as a result, no doubt.

[whichwayisup]

i don't think she's required to love, or like, the d-i-l just because the son married her. she didn't marry the woman, she doesn't owe her any kindness, and as we age - i assume the OP is a senior, or close to it - we are less inclined to change and be completely set in our ways. so, expecting the OP to change for this girl is ridiculous and doesn't honor the values of the OP. the responses bash the OP without really considering her values; the OP doesn't have to do anything and can mock and ridicule the d-i-l as much as she wants. but, she will need to live with any consequences as a result, no doubt.

 

Fine, then she has no right to feel upset that the DIL doesn't want to spend time with her or the rest of the family.

 

Are we reading the same thread though? Seems from day one she didn't accept her DIL and has treated her poorly, judging her, criticizing her etc.

 

And what values? That she finds thank you cards insulting and pointless? That she cannot 'see' what damage she's caused by treating her DIL poorly?