Pregnant and I want to end my marriage

[mangococonut]

I've known my husband for 32 years, we have known each other since we were toddlers. He was my first love, I've loved him since when we were 12. He left for another country when he was 14. We have maintained a friendship since, but we only got together 7 years ago and married 5 years ago. We have a 14-year old son, although he is not the biological father, he treats him like his own son.

 

Today, I told him that I wanted a divorce. We have broken up a few times before, two of which were quite serious. One of the breakups lasted for 8 months during our courtship, we shortly married after getting back together. The second breakup was during our marriage last year, which ended with us living apart for a month.

 

I know that we love each other very much. I still consider him my other half. Before the argument of which lead to me proposing our divorce, our marriage was great - the best that it has ever been. I was never more in love and proud of my husband, our home and the family we have built together. We were so happy. However, when things go bad between us, it could take one minute to break our foundation and everything that we have worked so hard for to fall apart. And it scares me that this happens.

 

This all began last week. Our son and I are moving to another country for the next 6 months to help our family There was a possibility that we may even leave the country for good. We were in bed just preparing ourselves to sleep and I was confiding in him. I was tearing up and telling him how difficult it would be for our family to be away from each other, for me to be away from him for the next few months. He responded by dismissing my emotions. To be so vulnerable around him and for him to reject me was very hurtful. He told me to stop becoming emotional and that he couldn't handle it. I needed someone to be there for me and instead, he pushed me away. In return, as I was hurt, I called him a "****ing arse****." I admit that I shouldn't have done so, and I know that I need to work on containing my frustration and anger when I am hurt and I have apologized to him for calling him that. Although as a response, he shoves my arm to tell me shut up as our son was in the next room and could hear us. What I called him should never give him any right to initiate physical aggression towards me. I made it clear to him that it is never okay to put his hands on me in order to get he wants when we are in an argument. I made it clear to him time and time again that touching me when he is angry with me is something he never does. He tells me that I am overreacting and that I am acting a like a victim for telling him to not touch me when he is angry at me. That is not okay either.

 

After the incident, I made a serious allegation to him of physical assault for touching my arm mainly because of what happened last year, which had traumatized me. As a response, he called me a liar and blames me for taking things too far. He thinks that I should press charges against him for physical assault. He has asked me to apologize to him for what I am doing and he is threating to file a case against me. To me this is absurd. I broke up with him because of his response. Instead of taking responsibility and apologizing, he puts the blame on me instead and makes me apologize because of my reaction. He claims that I am victimizing myself and over exaggerating this single event. In addition to this, he reached out to my sister to talk to me about the incident and put me in a bad light when I specifically told him not to get my family involved. They have enough to worry about. I felt that he disrespected my request and I was angry that he not only threatened to file a case against me, but that he got my family involved. I then tell his sister that my husband and I are ending our marriage. Admittedly, I know that we are immature when we argue and that we have a lot of growing up to do still.

 

This isn't only the first time that he has initiated physical force towards me during an argument. He has shoved me that I fell on the ground, he shook me which left bruises on my arms, he has thrown things and broke things in our home, he has pushed me off the bed. I admit that I do things to push him to his limit when I am angry at him. I would like to change this and improve my responses. I have never, however, initiated physical aggression towards him. Before the incident where he pushed me off the bed, I was giving him love and apologizing to him as we had an argument, he told me to stop and pushed me off the bed until I fell on the floor, this resulted into my head being hit on the side table. I slapped him as a response to him pushing me off the bed and he slapped me back. I called the police after this incident, he denied initiating physical violence towards me and lied to the police when he didn't mention that he pushed me off the bed. The police then arrested me as I told them that I slapped him as a response to him pushing me off the bed. I was the one who admitted physical aggression and my husband did not. I will never stand for having my husband ever be physical towards me, and even if I am physically less inferior, I will protect myself.

 

I was going to divorce him then, but our family intervened and they helped us strengthen our marriage. I had suggested marriage counseling and we had attended a couples communication class, but we only attended 2-3 sessions out of 9 of them. Every time there was a class, we would argue and he would not show up. I went to the class twice alone, as it was with other couples, it was embarrassing for me to show up on my own. I have attempted for us to go to marriage counseling multiple time but he says that we don't need it and he refuses to go with me.

 

At times, it is difficult for me to rely on him. When things don't go his way, instead of trying to mend things, he does things to make the situation worse to prove a point that he is in control. He blames me for his shortcomings. In every major argument, he leaves our house for days without telling me where he is and ignores my calls. Instead of coming home to solve the situation with me, he punishes me and leaves our home to sleep elsewhere. He stops doing chores at home, helping me with the business, foregoes his responsibilities in our home when things do not go his way and blames me as to why he hasn't done anything. He always has an excuse for not doing what he has committed in doing and he makes it my fault. I wish that he can take responsibility for his actions instead. It seems that every time things go wrong, I am the one to blame. He has too much pride to see that he is at fault too. It is difficult to change with an attitude like this.

 

When we have a big argument, it takes him weeks to get over it. He would sulk in bed for days, unable to do any work in his job. He tells me that when this happens his brain shuts off. He tells me to leave him alone and when we interact, he is not so pleasant with me, and it results into another argument.

 

He always tries to make it clear that he has the upper hand, the he is the more dominant one. I will not continue to be in a marriage with a husband who does not take any responsibility for his actions, someone who blames me constantly when something goes wrong. I think it is best that we just end things now before things get worse. We have conflicting personalities and when we argue, it gives so much instability in our lives. It is not a good environment for a child to be raised in. In my last relationship which lasted for 2 years, we never even argued once.

 

I grew up in an unstable environment, my parents constantly argued and screamed at each other and broke up all the time. I grew up watching my mom let herself be a doormat to my Dad. He would disrespect and put my mom to shame in front of people and she allowed for him to do that. Watching this growing up, I knew I would never stand for any man to do the same with me. I always promised myself that I would not have a family and a husband with whom I would argue with, especially in front of the children. I do not want my children to go through this. I know that I make mistakes, I know that I have a lot to improve on in managing how I respond when I am angry and hurt.

 

I need my husband to treat me as their equal, put my needs and happiness before their own, value my opinion, to not judge me, to support my dreams, ambition and passion, to love me unconditionally. I find that at most times, he gives me all of this. The family that we have and the love that he gives me is more than I have ever dreamed I could have. This is the part that makes it difficult for me to leave. I am leaving him because I can't live with the way we argue any longer. It causes too much instability in our lives and we don't need it. Minus our arguments, he was an amazing husband and father and he made me the happiest that I have ever been.

 

When we argue the worst in both of us comes out. When he is angry at me, he stops caring about me, he becomes disrespectful towards me and I retaliate because I am hurt. He does things to intentionally hurt me and make the situation worse to prove to me that he is the more dominant one. In the beginning of our relationship, when things didn't go his way, he used to break up with me all the time. Now that we are married, instead of breaking up with me, he stops caring about our marriage, he leaves our home for days, he stops working on the commitments that I rely on him to do, he drags our arguments on for weeks. It made our marriage so unstable. I never used would break up with him, I never left the home and slept elsewhere, if we are arguing I never have held hum hostage by not continuing on our commitments. I know that I have a lot of improving to do, but I am willing to change and become a better person.

 

When we argued, I needed him to apologize and appease the situation. That instead of choosing to argue with me, that he would choose to love and fight for me. That instead of walking away that he would be home with me to love me instead. That instead of blaming me and dragging the situation for weeks, that he would take responsibility and that we both apologize for hurting each other and we move on. It's his pride that I can't take and live with anymore. He never takes fault, he always chooses to blame me for everything, he never fought for us. I realized that things will never change with us if he doesn't take responsibility for his own actions. I'm just so sad and disappointed for all of this to happen to us because I love him so much. But I've always felt that I loved him more, that I cared about our marriage more, that I am always the one fighting for us and giving in to him.

 

I still want to work things out with him, hoping that he will change, but It is probably the case that these men don't change, and I don't want to keep hoping and spend my life thinking that he is going to change. Don't get me wrong, I will always believe that that he is an amazing man. He has big ambitions, he is very smart and charismatic and he will do big things in life, I do not doubt his capabilities. I respect him and honor him for the man that he is and for the things that he has achieved. I know that he has worked very hard in our marriage. I know that he cares about me and loves me. I have committed and devoted my life to him and our marriage but I know that I deserve better. I need someone who will fight for me and our marriage I can't live with our arguing anymore. It created too much instability in our lives, and we don't need it.

 

I have been running my own business and not working in a job, due to the freedom it gives me to spend time and prioritize my family. I was doing well in my career, I was receiving awards for the work that I had done. Although after being with him, I devoted my life to building our family, our marriage and our home. I feel that I have lost myself, that I stopped pursuing my passion and have less ambition. Before dating him, I finished my graduate degree from an ivy league university, built three organizations, and I was involved in many volunteer events my focus have changed. I do not fault him for my change in direction in life, after all, it was my choice, but I can't wait to be the active, ambitious, passionate woman that I used to be before I we dated, the person that I lost.

 

I will always love him and I wish that he would do away with the one part of him that made me leave him. I don't know if I will ever find a love like we had. We truly genuinely love each other so much. At least that is how I feel about him. It hurts to go through this. It is difficult to loose my best friend and my other half. I am still mourning the loss of my other half. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by leaving him. I don't want to talk to my family and friends about our problems. I don't want to shed him in a bad light either. I feel lost right now and I need some clarity.

Edited December 14, 2015 by mangococonut

[ProdigalMe]

I'm sorry you're going through so much despair. You are not alone.

 

Your husband sounds a lot like I used to be. Emotionally distant. Using the silent treatment to retaliate. Having to have my way all the time. Having damaging fights instead of constructive ones. I will say that I was never physical towards my STBXW, so in that way I'm different.

 

I'll give you my perspective on how to get a man like this to change. It takes a drastic measure. I was neglectful, I also rejected marriage counseling, and I didn't take steps to improve myself or the marriage until....the legal separation filing. That finally got my attention. I changed. I became more patient, more attentive, more social, more nurturing. I changed because I did not want to lose my wife. But for her, it was too late. She thought that it shouldn't take a legal filing to finally get me to change. So I'm out of chances and I'm headed to divorce.

 

But you might still salvage your marriage, even through a lengthy separation. That might finally get your husband's attention and spur him to change for the better, and permanently. But both of you have to go into the separation with the same goal in mind, and the same boundaries in place (separation as the first step to reconciliation as opposed to the first step to divorce; no dating others during separation, etc.; agreed-upon duration of separation (6 months, 9 months)).

 

You might be asking yourself if he really will change. You are the best judge of that. But, it is worth at least exploring and giving him that chance if you really want to save the marriage. Some experts say that divorced men sometimes make great second husbands because of the growth they go through as a result of divorce. It may be that if you force your husband to confront and address his own relationship inadequacies over a 6 month separation, you might get back the new and improved husband you always wanted.

 

I wish you well. I hope you find peace.

[mangococonut]

My husband and I have known each other for over 27 years, since we were 11. We have been married for 5 years. He was first love and when he moved out of the country, we remained friends. We only got together 8 years ago. When he moved out of the country, his (former)best friend and I eventually got together and I became pregnant, but before I found out I was pregnant, we broke up and my ex had someone else. I had my son at the age of 23 as a single mother (I actually wish that my ex never knew I was pregnant or that my son never had him as a father as dealing with him is a headache and nuisance, but that would be selfish for me to say, and that is another story).

 

With our son now at 13 years of age, my husband and I are now expecting our second child in our home and our first biological child together. In the five years since our marriage, it wasn't always the best. We had our own problems. We are both strong willed and we don't have good communication skills with each other. My husband thinks that the problems in our relationship can be solved if I change. My husband, son and I live in a home in another country away from family. However in the recent months, my son and I moved back to our home country to help my family run their business. My husband stayed in our home, away from us, as he has a stable job that helps support us.

 

My husband went home with us to bring us here and he stayed with us for a few weeks. The day after he left, I found out I was 6-8 weeks pregnant. I had realized then that I would have my pregnancy on my own again, without my husband, for another 5 months. This would then be my second pregnancy without a partner, although I have a husband this time around, he is still physically absent.

 

When I had informed my husband of my pregnancy, he didn't seem excited, with a monotone reaction. Perhaps, this is the way he is, but at the very least, since I was extremely happy, and since he was standoffish, I couldn't even share my excitement and happiness with him.

 

This isn't our first long distance in our relationship. I am away from him a few months out of the year. Last year, I was away for about 3 months, mostly because our son then was living in our home country with family, and this year, I had planned on being away for 4-5 months. Although there is Skype and many other ways that we can converse, my husband refuses to have a conversation with me. He doesn't want to call me and he gets annoyed when I call him. I rarely know what he is doing, where he is, or how his life is going as he doesn't want to communicate with me while I'm away. He says that he hates to speak on the phone and that he avoids to talk to minimize our arguments. As his wife, of course this impacts me. I want to communicate with my husband and receive an update on his life as well as speak with him on what is going on with mine and our son's. To him, however, even if we didn't speak for 5 months, that he would be okay. I'm not sure what relationship that is, but I don't want to have that. When we first began dating again 8 years ago, the first 2 years of our relationship was long distance as I was in grad school in one country and he was working in another country. We used to talk everyday. I don't know why after we married, he refuses to talk to me on the phone and communicate with me. I feel that I am in a loveless relationship and that I am single raising my child alone without a partner, and expecting another child on my own.

 

At 9 weeks of my pregnancy, i became very sick. I was admitted to the hospital as I was dehydrated from LBM. Even when I was pregnant and in the hospital, my husband never bothered to call me or even ask how I was doing. The following week, my grandmother passed away. It was one of the saddest and hardest times of my life. My grandmother has been my constant inspiration and she is one of the most important people in my life. Even then, he never called me to check on me and our son I needed him to be there for me and he was absent. When I did call him right after the burial, he sounded annoyed with me and told me he was busy working.

 

I am on my 13th week of pregnancy and I feel even lonelier with him as my husband than when I was single and pregnant. At least in my first pregnancy, I had friends who were there for me, who joined me in my ultrasound and lamaze classes, friends I could talk to to keep me company, they were even be there for me when I was giving birth. But now with my husband, even when I ask him to be there for me and Skype in with me in my ultrasounds so that he is there with me to experience it and that I am not alone, he makes up excuses on why he can't be there.

 

My husband is distant, not only physically but he is emotionally absent. I don't want to continue on with a husband who doesn't care and doesn't treat me the way I deserve. It has been this way for too long. I had only cited some examples of him during my pregnancy, but even before my pregnancy, my husband has been emotionally distant and this has been ongoing for many months now. In months prior, he has threatened divorce and separation in more times that I can count, and I keep holding on and fighting for our marriage. Though I've realized, why continue to hurt in this relationship and fight for it when there is nothing to fight for?

 

I tried to be open to him about how I feel but he denies that there is anything wrong, or he blames the problems on me. We tried marriage counseling and communication class but he never fully cooperates or he tells me how useless these classes are. I love my husband incredibly, or at least I did,and I wish that he loved and treated the way I deserve. Unfortunately, that isn't the case, and I know for a fact that he won't change. I can't continue on life this way. It hurts too much. Everyday, I feel lonelier and I end up in tears because of the way he treats me (or doesn't treat me). The unnecessary arguments with him is not good for my pregnancy either.

 

I no longer want to continue on this marriage, and I would like to end it before the baby comes to avoid less confusion after our child is born. I am already in another country anyway, I can just decide to move here in the long term. The baby will grow up without an active father, but at least I have family, who also helped me raise my first child, there with me to help me raise my second child. I didn't plan on being a single mother, again, and raising another child on my own, but I'd rather do this on my own than be with someone who hurts me.

 

It will be a hard and painful journey, I know as I've been through it before. But I know that I deserve better than this.

Edited February 22, 2016 by mangococonut

[loveboid]

You do deserve better than this.

[amaysngrace]

Lack of communication and raised hormones mixed into a long distance relationship is never a good combination.

 

I wouldn't make any major life changes until after your baby is born.

[whichwayisup]

you two need to go to marriage counseling and work it out. Don't just throw in the towel without trying. You both owe to each other and the kids to give it your best. If it doesn't work after counseling then divorce, but really, seems the love is there and maybe you just need more support from family and friends when he's away so you won't be alone.

[Mr. Lucky]

However in the recent months, my son and I moved back to our home country to help my family run their business. My husband stayed in our home, away from us, as he has a stable job that helps support us.

 

It seems contradictory to voluntarily leave your husband for months and months and then claim you're lonely and abandoned. Why not return to your home and have this baby together? You're family may need your help with the business but marriage means you - and your husband - put each other first.

 

All these lengthy separations don't help your relationship. Hard to stay bonded when you're not together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[66Charger]

Why is running your family's business more important than your marraige?

Why are you spending so much time apart from your husband?

Why are your surprised at your husbands reactions?

If you divorce him, do you think he will miss you?

Skyping your Love? That doesnt work

 

Your living arrangements are destroying your marriage

 

If you do not change your living arrangements, you might as well divorce. He may not mind, whatever choice you make.

[mangococonut]

In actuality, my mother is running in a political campaign, with the election happening in May. My husband and I decided that it would be best for me to be home to help my mother in the campaign, this only happens once and she needs all the help that she needs. I wouldn't have moved otherwise. I have asked my husband many times if he wanted me to move back but he cites that it is critical for me to help my mother. It was his decision for me to stay in our home country. My mother needs people in the campaign that she can trust. It doesn't seem that my husband needs me and wants me back, I don't see a reason why I should return, when I am actually needed in the campaign to help my mother.

[amaysngrace]

Chelsea? Is that you?

[stillafool]

When are you planning to file for divorce?

[MJJean]

you two need to go to marriage counseling and work it out. Don't just throw in the towel without trying. You both owe to each other and the kids to give it your best. If it doesn't work after counseling then divorce, but really, seems the love is there and maybe you just need more support from family and friends when he's away so you won't be alone.

 

It seems contradictory to voluntarily leave your husband for months and months and then claim you're lonely and abandoned. Why not return to your home and have this baby together? You're family may need your help with the business but marriage means you - and your husband - put each other first.

 

All these lengthy separations don't help your relationship. Hard to stay bonded when you're not together...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Random sampling of posts, nothing personal meant.

 

Am I the only person who thinks encouraging a pregnant woman to stay with a physically abusive man is not great advice?

[strow]

You say you want a divorce and then you say you want to work things out.

 

Which is it?

 

Are you saying you want a divorce as some sort of threatening tactic to get him to change his ways?

 

If so that will never work.

 

If you want to get away from this man then stop telling him what you want and just do it.