Coping Sexually. Any tips?

[Raina314]

Everything about breaking up is hard. But one of the things that has me really stuck is the sex and how thinking about it affects me now.

I'm only 22, and lost my virginity to my ex. Our intimate life was really great, thinking about our time together always turned me on so much and I was always able to please him too.

But now thinking or fantasizing about sex in any capacity just makes me so sad, and I don't know what to do because that's not a part of my brain I can just turn off, but I automatically associate my entire sexuality with my ex.

If there's an intimate scene in a movie or something, or if my thoughts just drift to the thought of intimacy, as they sometimes do when your mind wanders naturally, all I can think of is my ex. I feel like I've not only lost him, but I've lost any joy or appeal that should come from the thinking about sex/sexual actions. I can't think about anything else that turns me on without him coming to mind.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you get your own sexuality back when your ex is the only one you can think about?

[jesslindy]

I guess the short answer is, time.

 

How long has it been?

 

Surely when you meet someone else, and build trust into a sexual relationship, you won't be thinking about him anymore.

 

I'm a man, so I'm sure its different, but I've dated some real freaky(which I like) girls, and I always thought I would never find that again. Yet I always do.

 

He's special because you lost your virginity to him, that should be special.

 

God knows I flipped over my first girl.

 

You are 22, you will be just fine.

[Raina314]

Its been 4 months.

 

And yeah, for women, sex is much more intrinsically linked to emotional attachment and it's very hard for us to fathom that a guy could have sex with us and then decide he doesn't want us anymore and get all cold.

 

And yeah, I'm sure a new guy will take that spot eventually. But I don't know when that's gonna be and it sucks to be stuck with these feelings in the meantime :/

[jen1447]

It really is a tough spot hon. No real suggestions, but I do have some ((hugs)) for you.

 

I guess if it's any comfort, there'll come a day when a new person steps into that role, which will at the same time make the past both 'okay' and also take away some of the ex's power. It's a double-win, but it'll take some time to get there.

[Raina314]

It really is a tough spot hon. No real suggestions, but I do have some ((hugs)) for you.

 

I guess if it's any comfort, there'll come a day when a new person steps into that role, which will at the same time make the past both 'okay' and also take away some of the ex's power. It's a double-win, but it'll take some time to get there.

 

Thanks <3. I definitely hope so. Right now I just feel so yucky and alone . I dont Ike him having all this power over me at all and I wish I could believe that someone else could make me feel just as good someday.

[Mr. Disposable]

If it made an impression on you, it likely made an impression on him too. We may not care about his opinion anymore, but hey as an ego boost be proud of that much.

 

As weird as it sounds...you probably blew that persons mind as much as they blew yours.

 

I would say you should own your sexuality and feel happy about the fact that even for a brief time, you felt strongly enough about someone that you could share that with them. And...if you could do it once, there's a very strong possibility (100% chance...) you're capable of doing it again.

 

It's easy to get hung up on these various aspects of our relationships past or present. Sexuality comes with a lot of hang ups for people and when you mix in virginity and a break up...well it doesn't get simpler.

 

Feel confident and beautiful. I'm sure that apart of what just happened to you, you're certainly both. I promise you'll be able to do this again. You'll continue exploring your needs until you find what's right for you. Hang tough.

[Raina314]

If it made an impression on you, it likely made an impression on him too. We may not care about his opinion anymore, but hey as an ego boost be proud of that much.

 

As weird as it sounds...you probably blew that persons mind as much as they blew yours.

 

I would say you should own your sexuality and feel happy about the fact that even for a brief time, you felt strongly enough about someone that you could share that with them. And...if you could do it once, there's a very strong possibility (100% chance...) you're capable of doing it again.

 

It's easy to get hung up on these various aspects of our relationships past or present. Sexuality comes with a lot of hang ups for people and when you mix in virginity and a break up...well it doesn't get simpler.

 

Feel confident and beautiful. I'm sure that apart of what just happened to you, you're certainly both. I promise you'll be able to do this again. You'll continue exploring your needs until you find what's right for you. Hang tough.

 

Thanks, that actually does help a lot. I definitely felt like I blew his mind in the moment, particularly since he'd only been with one girl one time before, which is why the end was so confusing. He always told me I was the whole package and I know he enjoyed what we did together when it was happening. It just didn't stick.

 

After being dumped though, I feel like whatever we had is just going to be replaced by porn on his end. In your experience, if you don't mind me asking, do guys remember the good sex they had in real life or do they rely on porn after a breakup until they find someone again?

 

And you're right. All this emotional tangle makes me kind of see why pre-marital sex used to be so forbidden lol. Maybe it was for our own protection .

 

But thank you . I am trying. And I really do appreciate your kind words.

[Qboro90]

Thanks, that actually does help a lot. I definitely felt like I blew his mind in the moment, particularly since he'd only been with one girl one time before, which is why the end was so confusing. He always told me I was the whole package and I know he enjoyed what we did together when it was happening. It just didn't stick.

 

After being dumped though, I feel like whatever we had is just going to be replaced by porn on his end. In your experience, if you don't mind me asking, do guys remember the good sex they had in real life or do they rely on porn after a breakup until they find someone again?

 

And you're right. All this emotional tangle makes me kind of see why pre-marital sex used to be so forbidden lol. Maybe it was for our own protection .

 

But thank you . I am trying. And I really do appreciate your kind words.

 

The fact that you lost your virginity to this guy makes a big difference when you're looking at the breakup and sex aspects of it. For you, sex was a big deal, came with a lot of emotions and love which you associated with sex for the first time. Had you slept with someone you weren't dating or just had a ONS you wouldn't be feeling this way because it didn't come with as much inner meaning.

 

As you go through life you're going to have to cope with the fact that your partners are going to have bad precious sexual encounters. You can't compare and contrast what you have with them to previous people. It's like comparing get who is a better baseball player, Babe Ruth or Mike Trout. Each was the best of their era. You could've have great sex with your ex, but you have no comparison. What if the next guy you date or sleep with blows your freaking mind and makes your ex look like nothing? What if the next person your with is so so but you love them more so it means more when you do have sex?

 

And FYI, you're not going to be replaced by porn. Guys don't think like that. The only time sex comparisons might come up is during a guy talk convo around your boys. Other than that it's not like we have sex with a girl and during are thinking "damn, my ex used to be a lot more vocal, this isn't as good".

[Mr. Disposable]

Thanks, that actually does help a lot. I definitely felt like I blew his mind in the moment, particularly since he'd only been with one girl one time before, which is why the end was so confusing. He always told me I was the whole package and I know he enjoyed what we did together when it was happening. It just didn't stick.

 

After being dumped though, I feel like whatever we had is just going to be replaced by porn on his end. In your experience, if you don't mind me asking, do guys remember the good sex they had in real life or do they rely on porn after a breakup until they find someone again?

 

And you're right. All this emotional tangle makes me kind of see why pre-marital sex used to be so forbidden lol. Maybe it was for our own protection .

 

But thank you . I am trying. And I really do appreciate your kind words.

 

Listen...you probably are the whole package. Allow me to put you at ease:

 

I'll share my story (forgive me if I overshare, but your candor is making it easy). My most recent ex cheated on her previous boyfriend to be with me. I wasn't/am not proud of this and am now fully aware of everything that was wrong with that scenario/how our relationship started. I don't make a habit of stealing people's girlfriends (that's the first and last time believe me).

 

But I was in love with her and at the time her emotional immaturity kept her from breaking up with her boyfriend. She was sexually dissatisfied in her previous relationship and if I'm being honest, really inexperienced in bed. My emotional immaturity, led me to sleep with her.

 

Her previous boyfriend had trouble "getting things going in the bedroom." We were really into each other and the sex was crazy good. I'm not inexperienced and she really enjoyed that. The contrast from "can't get things started" to "multiple orgasms and having sex for an hour on a bad night" blew her mind. The relationship thrived on that and was really intense for a while.

 

At the end of the relationship, when we started fighting and things got "too real", it didn't matter one bit. She dumped me and hasn't looked back.

 

To answer your question directly now that you have the backstory: I'm 25 years old. I've been fortunate enough to sleep with six women in my short life. I've loved one of them. Two of them really made an impression on me in the bedroom. One of whom was the last girl. Even though she was really inexperienced (I surmised this from her trembling during our first time together and her hesitance to sleep with me at first) she was fantastic in bed. I'd go as far as saying unforgettable.

 

To embarrass myself even more: I watch porn to replace that need, sure. I think a lot of guys turn to this after a breakup. But in case you didn't pick up on this...I was in love with the last girl. If I'm being completely honest, I didn't have a sex drive for a couple of months after the break up. Only recently have I started feeling interested in sex again. Even then...every girl I see doesn't compare to her. It's fu*cking sad. Porn doesn't really do it for me. It can't.

 

But I won't sleep around. The emotional emptiness of porn is safe and that's why guys like it.

 

I'm sure whatever your boyfriend is looking at doesn't measure up to you. It can't. You're real. But don't get hung up on that. It can only relieve so much of what you're feeling.

 

Break ups are about a lot more than sex...so don't feel like him breaking up with you says something about you in bed. Even the least attractive girlfriend I've had was beautiful in bed. Most women have something about them that's just plain sexy. Trust me, we don't forget any of you.

 

I don't mind your questions at all (or embarrassing myself with honesty). Feel free to ask me anything. I'm an open book when it comes to this stuff.

 

Be kind to yourself. You're beautiful and memorable. Of that, you can be sure.

[Raina314]

Listen...you probably are the whole package. Allow me to put you at ease:

 

I'll share my story (forgive me if I overshare, but your candor is making it easy). My most recent ex cheated on her previous boyfriend to be with me. I wasn't/am not proud of this and am now fully aware of everything that was wrong with that scenario/how our relationship started. I don't make a habit of stealing people's girlfriends (that's the first and last time believe me).

 

But I was in love with her and at the time her emotional immaturity kept her from breaking up with her boyfriend. She was sexually dissatisfied in her previous relationship and if I'm being honest, really inexperienced in bed. My emotional immaturity, led me to sleep with her.

 

Her previous boyfriend had trouble "getting things going in the bedroom." We were really into each other and the sex was crazy good. I'm not inexperienced and she really enjoyed that. The contrast from "can't get things started" to "multiple orgasms and having sex for an hour on a bad night" blew her mind. The relationship thrived on that and was really intense for a while.

 

At the end of the relationship, when we started fighting and things got "too real", it didn't matter one bit. She dumped me and hasn't looked back.

 

To answer your question directly now that you have the backstory: I'm 25 years old. I've been fortunate enough to sleep with six women in my short life. I've loved one of them. Two of them really made an impression on me in the bedroom. One of whom was the last girl. Even though she was really inexperienced (I surmised this from her trembling during our first time together and her hesitance to sleep with me at first) she was fantastic in bed. I'd go as far as sayingunforgettable.

 

To embarrass myself even more: I watch porn to replace that need, sure. I think a lot of guys turn to this after a breakup. But in case you didn't pick up on this...I was in love with the last girl. If I'm being completely honest, I didn't have a sex drive for a couple of months after the break up. Only recently have I started feeling interested in sex again. Even then...every girl I see doesn't compare to her. It's fu*cking sad. Porn doesn't really do it for me. It can't.

 

But I won't sleep around. The emotional emptiness of porn is safe and that's why guys like it.

 

I'm sure whatever your boyfriend is looking at doesn't measure up to you. It can't. You're real. But don't get hung up on that. It can only relieve so much of what you're feeling.

 

Break ups are about a lot more than sex...so don't feel like him breaking up with you says something about you in bed. Even the least attractive girlfriend I've had was beautiful in bed. Most women have something about them that's just plain sexy. Trust me, we don't forget any of you.

 

I don't mind your questions at all (or embarrassing myself with honesty). Feel free to ask me anything. I'm an open book when it comes to this stuff.

 

Be kind to yourself. You're beautiful and memorable. Of that, you can be sure.

 

Don't worry about oversharing! I'm taking all the insight I can get and I appreciate you being willing to share and discuss.

 

 

I feel on a logical level that I am fairly close to the whole package. But then I doubt that because I don't know why he'd throw me away if that were true . He gave me the whole "It's not you, it's me" spiel and his reasoning was that he just wasn't emotionally mature enough to commit to it the way I was and the spark was gone.

Thank you for being so open. I guess I know I can't be replaced by porn, but it's hard not to feel that way sometimes when I know that's where he's gonna get his fix, if you will.

 

I think what I really struggle with is the fact that for women, at least for me, good, desired sex=deep emotional attachment, 90% of the time. We can't help it. So it's really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my ex could've enjoyed sex/intimacy as much as I did and still want to leave because he felt emotionally detached. It makes me feel like those moments that meant so much to me meant nothing to him.

 

It also hurts because he's a bit of a basement dweller - all he does in his free time is play LoL and D&D with his guy friends and most of them don't have jobs or gfs. He's the only one of his friends who's ever had a girlfriend because he's the most social. In the beginning I felt like I was a refreshing change for him, and then somehow I wasn't later. So I feel like if the life he had before is more fun than I am, I must not be much fun, even though he told me that wasn't it.

 

The flaw in that reasoning is of course that relationships are about more than just fun, and I do know that.

 

You said this last girl was the only one you loved; do you think that's partially because you were older with her than you were with the other girls you were with, or was it mostly because she was special?

 

Also, you mentioned that guys who are not in committed relationships like porn because of the emotional emptiness. Is it possible to have sex with a girl and still have that same emptiness? Or is there always an emotional component?

You could've have great sex with your ex, but you have no comparison. What if the next guy you date or sleep with blows your freaking mind and makes your ex look like nothing? What if the next person your with is so so but you love them more so it means more when you do have sex?

 

You make a good point. I had a fling with one guy before this one and we did almost everything that wasn't sex, because I knew I wanted to save that for a committed relationship. But what I did do with that guy felt super good and I honestly believed it couldn't possibly get better. Now I feel like nothing can possibly be better than what I had with my ex, but maybe it can. Thanks.

[Mr. Disposable]

Don't worry about oversharing! I'm taking all the insight I can get and I appreciate you being willing to share and discuss.

 

 

I feel on a logical level that I am fairly close to the whole package. But then I doubt that because I don't know why he'd throw me away if that were true . He gave me the whole "It's not you, it's me" spiel and his reasoning was that he just wasn't emotionally mature enough to commit to it the way I was and the spark was gone.

Thank you for being so open. I guess I know I can't be replaced by porn, but it's hard not to feel that way sometimes when I know that's where he's gonna get his fix, if you will.

 

I think what I really struggle with is the fact that for women, at least for me, good, desired sex=deep emotional attachment, 90% of the time. We can't help it. So it's really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my ex could've enjoyed sex/intimacy as much as I did and still want to leave because he felt emotionally detached. It makes me feel like those moments that meant so much to me meant nothing to him.

 

It also hurts because he's a bit of a basement dweller - all he does in his free time is play LoL and D&D with his guy friends and most of them don't have jobs or gfs. He's the only one of his friends who's ever had a girlfriend because he's the most social. In the beginning I felt like I was a refreshing change for him, and then somehow I wasn't later. So I feel like if the life he had before is more fun than I am, I must not be much fun, even though he told me that wasn't it.

 

The flaw in that reasoning is of course that relationships are about more than just fun, and I do know that.

 

You said this last girl was the only one you loved; do you think that's partially because you were older with her than you were with the other girls you were with, or was it mostly because she was special?

 

Also, you mentioned that guys who are not in committed relationships like porn because of the emotional emptiness. Is it possible to have sex with a girl and still have that same emptiness? Or is there always an emotional component?

 

You're welcome! I hope my perspectives are of some use to you as you heal.

 

Now to address your post:

 

What constitutes the total package is different for everyone. Seeing yourself that way is probably most important. I'm going to relate as best I can here...

 

I earned my master's degree by age 23. I have a good job for someone my age. I'm romantic, loving, faithful, of above average intelligence, and, according to my ex, good looking. I'm a good musician, I love art and sports, I'm well-read, and overall just an honest, hard-working man. A guy with diverse interests and a lot to offer as a human being.

 

I don't feel like a loser by any stretch of the imagination...unless I stop to think about my break-up. Here's the part with perspective:

 

Does the person I described sound like a loser to you? Unattractive? Boring?

 

Or...

 

Does the person that I described sound like someone that women would generally be attracted to?

 

Does the person that I described sound (like a Mr.) disposable to you?

 

I challenge you to do this for yourself. Describe yourself honestly, with as much or as little modesty as you'd like. I'd be happy to answer the same questions for you. Chances are...you're not boring at all. The guy that you were with just wasn't in the right head space to have something lasting and meaningful with you.

 

We're not a vehicle with a spec sheet. We can't just write it down, qualify it, and say, "Yup, that's enough! She meets my specs! What a sweet ride!" Our traits are going to sound different to everyone, although some things are generally held as positives.

 

Maybe my ex girlfriend just wasn't mature enough either. Maybe she just didn't find me that interesting. Maybe, ultimately, she realized we just weren't compatible. She loved theme parks and traveling. I'm not all that into either of those things. I've always thought of myself as the guy you marry and not the guy you date.

 

Maybe I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm certainly not boring. I've got a lot going on as a human being. If someone doesn't appreciate that...does that say something about me or them?

 

You're right to say that your reasoning is flawed. Relationships are very complicated. It's of almost no use to look for just one thing that sums up "why" things happen. Be kinder to yourself.

 

As far as porn and his fix is concerned...it's no longer your problem. Don't torment yourself thinking about what he's up to sexually. I'd be relieved if my ex-gf were just looking at porn. That's just fantasy though. That girl looks like a freaking Victoria's Secret model.

 

It doesn't really matter though. Women can generally get with someone new far more easily than a man can. My stomach sank thinking about that, but hey...it's reality!

 

Anyway to answer your question...both of those things are reasons, I think. This woman was most attractive to me for many reasons. She was naturally physically beautiful, but what made her gorgeous was her intelligence. I had never dated a woman with a college education. She challenged me and blew my mind in bed. She was affectionate, sweet, and really fun. I loved that she pushed me out of my comfort zone. I was willingly trying so many new things.

 

My age was certainly a factor though. At my age, I feel more ready to be pushed out of my comfort zone and to be challenged by a partner. I wanted someone to grow together with and she just hit everything for me. Her physical traits were honestly just a bonus. She was, unequivocally, the whole package. So it was both of those things for me.

 

To answer your second question: it's a strange mix of both. Funny how none of this is black or white.

 

Yes, it is possible for us to have sex without any feelings. However, the feelings are almost always there initially. Honestly, any dude who says otherwise is full of it. For me, when I had sex with a girl and there were no feelings it was because the relationship was on its last leg.

 

I told you how much I loved the last girl. Well...she offered to have sex the night that we broke up (like 20 minutes before the big fight) and I turned it down. Fighting and stress will kill the emotions that you feel when having sex. Something that was usually intense and brought up feelings of connectedness and beauty...became hollow. Numb and simultaneously painful.

 

The feelings are always there...they just change sometimes. Occasionally in painful and unexpected ways.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for the novel of a response. Your questions are complicated and answering them has been really good for me in terms of talking through my own situation. I hope this helps and feel free to ask me if you have any other questions.

[Raina314]

That's exactly how I feel, yeah. When I look at myself, and just myself, I know I'm a good catch. I finished undergrad and got a good paying full time job at 21. I speak three languages, and I know I'm attractive. I have a very big heart and am extremely patient and kind to others. I'm stable and know how to keep a cool head in most all situations. And I've been really lucky in that every guy I've expressed or had serious interest in has reciprocated my feelings at some point. Even when it doesn't last, we manage to stay friends and some of them even still come to me for advice.

 

And I guess that's exactly where I always stumble, because that's true for everyone except this one guy. The one person I really wanted things to work with. But perhaps that's just the way it's going to be for now. I know the truth of the situation on a logical level and it's just going to take some time for me to catch up emotionally.

 

You're right, it does me no good to think about how he's handling his sexuality at this point. That's just masochism . It's jus tricky not to when he's the only reference to sex that I have in my head. I hope someday I'll be able to look back on those memories again without feeling sad.

 

And we may be able to get someone quicker, but "quick" isn't always right. All good things take time, and while it may not be difficult to get someone interested, it is difficult to get the right person interested, and it can also be difficult to get them to stay after the initial honeymoon rush is over. So that's where the challenge lies for women. It's harder for a guy to get a girl at first, but once we've been "gotten" it's generally easier to get us to stick around for the long haul (at least at this age) than it is for us to get guys to commit once the relationship becomes more routine. So the challenge is just in different places.

 

Perhaps I do just need to wait or find a guy who's a bit older and "in the right head space" as you said. You said that you were ready for this girl to challenge you and make you think about things and everything -- maybe at the particular juncture I'm at in life most guys just don't want more challenges than they already have because there are already so many. And I can't really fault anyone for that.

[Mr. Disposable]

That's exactly how I feel, yeah. When I look at myself, and just myself, I know I'm a good catch. I finished undergrad and got a good paying full time job at 21. I speak three languages, and I know I'm attractive. I have a very big heart and am extremely patient and kind to others. I'm stable and know how to keep a cool head in most all situations. And I've been really lucky in that every guy I've expressed or had serious interest in has reciprocated my feelings at some point. Even when it doesn't last, we manage to stay friends and some of them even still come to me for advice.

 

And I guess that's exactly where I always stumble, because that's true for everyone except this one guy. The one person I really wanted things to work with. But perhaps that's just the way it's going to be for now. I know the truth of the situation on a logical level and it's just going to take some time for me to catch up emotionally.

 

You're right, it does me no good to think about how he's handling his sexuality at this point. That's just masochism . It's jus tricky not to when he's the only reference to sex that I have in my head. I hope someday I'll be able to look back on those memories again without feeling sad.

 

And we may be able to get someone quicker, but "quick" isn't always right. All good things take time, and while it may not be difficult to get someone interested, it is difficult to get the right person interested, and it can also be difficult to get them to stay after the initial honeymoon rush is over. So that's where the challenge lies for women. It's harder for a guy to get a girl at first, but once we've been "gotten" it's generally easier to get us to stick around for the long haul (at least at this age) than it is for us to get guys to commit once the relationship becomes more routine. So the challenge is just in different places.

 

Perhaps I do just need to wait or find a guy who's a bit older and "in the right head space" as you said. You said that you were ready for this girl to challenge you and make you think about things and everything -- maybe at the particular juncture I'm at in life most guys just don't want more challenges than they already have because there are already so many. And I can't really fault anyone for that.

 

Sounds like you've got a handle on it then. You'll be fine.

 

Thank you for that fourth paragraph. That's some pretty great insight. I'll remember that.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Mr. Disposable

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Everything about breaking up is hard. But one of the things that has me really stuck is the sex and how thinking about it affects me now.

I'm only 22, and lost my virginity to my ex. Our intimate life was really great, thinking about our time together always turned me on so much and I was always able to please him too.

But now thinking or fantasizing about sex in any capacity just makes me so sad, and I don't know what to do because that's not a part of my brain I can just turn off, but I automatically associate my entire sexuality with my ex.

If there's an intimate scene in a movie or something, or if my thoughts just drift to the thought of intimacy, as they sometimes do when your mind wanders naturally, all I can think of is my ex. I feel like I've not only lost him, but I've lost any joy or appeal that should come from the thinking about sex/sexual actions. I can't think about anything else that turns me on without him coming to mind.

 

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you get your own sexuality back when your ex is the only one you can think about?

 

 

 

Wow, I had never thought too much about this, but everything you wrote makes perfect sense.

 

I would suggest that your feelings are completely normal... and that tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime is going to be your best ally going forward.

 

 

Don't let anybody rush you into anything once you do get back on your dating feet, and I suspect that if allowed to go at your own pace, you will evolve to a point where you once again become confident and comfortable with your sexuality.

 

 

I know that it is an ideal (as viewed by some) to be with just ONE partner in your whole life... but the additional perspective afforded by more than a single partner can do wonders for appreciating the whole of human sexuality (where, with a single partner ever, you can never know if that's sex or whether that's just him/her).

[Raina314]

Sounds like you've got a handle on it then. You'll be fine.

 

Thank you for that fourth paragraph. That's some pretty great insight. I'll remember that.

 

Thanks. I hope so

 

Wow, I had never thought too much about this, but everything you wrote makes perfect sense.

 

I would suggest that your feelings are completely normal... and that tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime is going to be your best ally going forward.

 

 

Don't let anybody rush you into anything once you do get back on your dating feet, and I suspect that if allowed to go at your own pace, you will evolve to a point where you once again become confident and comfortable with your sexuality.

 

 

I know that it is an ideal (as viewed by some) to be with just ONE partner in your whole life... but the additional perspective afforded by more than a single partner can do wonders for appreciating the whole of human sexuality (where, with a single partner ever, you can never know if that's sex or whether that's just him/her).

 

I know time is the only true medicine. Its just frustrating sometimes to sit around waiting and knowing that there's nothing you can really do to fix it for yourself.

 

But no, no one's ever been able to rush me into anything. Im fortunately not concerned about my ability to be patient and go slow.

 

You have a point about different perspectives. I would've rather just had the one partner because I value building a deep, lasting connection more than I value trying new things and experimenting, but I do realize those things aren't necessarily mutually exclusive and I have no choice but to try and make the best of the situation I've been put in.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Thanks. I hope so

 

 

 

I know time is the only true medicine. Its just frustrating sometimes to sit around waiting and knowing that there's nothing you can really do to fix it for yourself.

 

But no, no one's ever been able to rush me into anything. Im fortunately not concerned about my ability to be patient and go slow.

 

You have a point about different perspectives. I would've rather just had the one partner because I value building a deep, lasting connection more than I value trying new things and experimenting, but I do realize those things aren't necessarily mutually exclusive and I have no choice but to try and make the best of the situation I've been put in.

 

 

 

 

And, y'know, while it is (normal) to (take those first, wobbly steps) thinking you'd like to have just one partner for life... it becomes a testimony to your ability to adapt to the need for doing your best while looking forward from a(ny) certain point... when, through NO direct fault of your own as an individual, you can no longer limit your plans/thoughts/ideals to just one sexual partner.

 

 

Time... like we agreed...

[Raina314]

I thought about this some more today, and I realized that I think part of why this is so hard is that my sex drive doesn't come alive at all until there's a specific person to give it to. Just watching porn never did anything for me unless I could imagine whoever I was with at the time doing those things with me. I never fantasize about or desire anything sexual unless I desire a specific person, and it's always been that way.

 

In my brain, sex just doesn't exist as a detached, abstract concept. It's something that's only awakened when I have strong feelings for someone, and once it's been awakened, it's really hard to put it back in hibernation until the next person comes along.

[kztar]

GIRL I totally understand how you feel. This is why THANK GOD when I lost my virginity it was not because I loved the guy but rather because I wanted to know what it felt like. No emotional attachment what so ever.

 

But I will tell you this, you will try and experiment with new men who will make you completely forget about your EX. I've had plenty sexual experiences and believe me you want to try different people, last thing you want to do is miss out on good penis because you are stuck with just ONE for life. Experience life, have fun and ALWAYS be safe. Once you are older and ready to settle down, you'll find the right guy with the WHOLE package.

[Raina314]

It's me again. I've been doing a lot better overall, with everything, but this still sticks with me.

 

What I'm really struggling with is knowing that no matter what, this guy will always be special because I lost my virginity to him. I'd love to be able to think I'll just forget about him and eventually he'll mean nothing to me, but that's just a lie. I saved myself for a relatively long time and my virginity and my first time meant a great deal to me.

 

To everyone who didn't marry their first, how did you deal with the fact that they aren't in your life anymore, if they aren't? How do you fully move on knowing for a fact that there will always be a special place in your heart for them that no amount of time can fully erase?

[keiji]

It's me again. I've been doing a lot better overall, with everything, but this still sticks with me.

 

What I'm really struggling with is knowing that no matter what, this guy will always be special because I lost my virginity to him. I'd love to be able to think I'll just forget about him and eventually he'll mean nothing to me, but that's just a lie. I saved myself for a relatively long time and my virginity and my first time meant a great deal to me.

 

To everyone who didn't marry their first, how did you deal with the fact that they aren't in your life anymore, if they aren't? How do you fully move on knowing for a fact that there will always be a special place in your heart for them that no amount of time can fully erase?

 

The thing is, they won't necessarily occupy a special place in your heart. That's the way you see them now, but perhaps not in a few months or years. I first fell in love with a girl when we were 17. Madly in love. She was too, but she broke up with me because I must admit I was a total jerk. I saw her a few years later and I felt nothing other than a certain affection. A couple of years ago, we saw each other by chance in a bar. When I got home I had an invitation to dinner from her via FB. I accepted, we went out to dinner and we ended up making out (both were quite drunk). The next day she called me and said she had even mentioned the whole thing to her parents and that she still had feelings for me (20 years later). I had to tell her it wasn't mutual. If you had asked me back when we were two teenagers experiencing love for the first time, I would have spoken just like you. I felt I'd never forget her or be able to live without her. Well, turns out I did.

[Raina314]

I hope you're right. Idk though, my virginity always meant a lot to me. I'm not a loose person sexually at all, and giving someone that was a huge turning point in my life. And because it's always been so significant to me, I have a really hard time believing that my first time will ever mean nothing.

[Raina314]

This *still* hasn't changed. I haven't been turned on by anything but the thought of my ex for over a year. I'm lonely, physically and emotionally and I don't know what to do. Masturbation doesn't help. I just crave this guy. Not all the time, but at least once or twice a month it gets really intense. I'm young, so I know my body's just in that phase right now but there's no release. There are no other guys that have turned me on at all, no one else to think about, no one I have even the slightest desire for in an intimate way.

 

It's so frustrating and sad. I keep feeling like I should be in the prime of my sex life right now but I can't do anything

[Penguin_hugs]

I can really sympathise- I was in a similar situation to you- I got dumped a year ago and we'd been together 2 and a half years. I was in love and I'd also lost my virginity to him. I'm 23 now.

 

For the first few months I also associated everything sexual with him. I couldn't masturbate without crying. Eventually I started to get more empowered and just started to consider that I was giving myself these sensations just for myself. I don't really fantasise much now because at first it was just about him. I try to consider it as something I give myself.

 

I had sex for the first time since about 3 months ago. It was an average experience. There wasn't the same kind of connection as I'd had before which was really disappointing and it was uncomfortable- but I was pleased to get it out of my system. It helped with the healing process. Unfortunately it ended up just being a short term thing and ended pretty quickly.

 

I still have days where I think about my ex. I still get the occasional sex dream about him- but it's becoming a lot less frequent and time helps. I'm just over a year into it and I'm still not right. It's going to take a bit longer to get over it and maybe meeting someone else.

 

I've recently started dating again- just Tinder and POF. But actually getting out there and meeting people, exposing myself to situations where I've kissed someone on a first date etc is making me feel more confident and empowered and realising that I don't need my ex for every sexual experience I want to have and I'm in control of what I do ?

 

Good luck with things OP

[Raina314]

I can really sympathise- I was in a similar situation to you- I got dumped a year ago and we'd been together 2 and a half years. I was in love and I'd also lost my virginity to him. I'm 23 now.

 

For the first few months I also associated everything sexual with him. I couldn't masturbate without crying. Eventually I started to get more empowered and just started to consider that I was giving myself these sensations just for myself. I don't really fantasise much now because at first it was just about him. I try to consider it as something I give myself.

 

I had sex for the first time since about 3 months ago. It was an average experience. There wasn't the same kind of connection as I'd had before which was really disappointing and it was uncomfortable- but I was pleased to get it out of my system. It helped with the healing process. Unfortunately it ended up just being a short term thing and ended pretty quickly.

 

I still have days where I think about my ex. I still get the occasional sex dream about him- but it's becoming a lot less frequent and time helps. I'm just over a year into it and I'm still not right. It's going to take a bit longer to get over it and maybe meeting someone else.

 

I've recently started dating again- just Tinder and POF. But actually getting out there and meeting people, exposing myself to situations where I've kissed someone on a first date etc is making me feel more confident and empowered and realising that I don't need my ex for every sexual experience I want to have and I'm in control of what I do

 

Good luck with things OP

 

I'm 23 now too.

 

I can masturbate without crying, or even really thinking of him, oddly enough, so that much is doable now at least. The problem is that my craving isn't even just for an orgasm anymore, it's a very specific physical craving for him that I can't satisfy via masturbation cuz he's not there..

 

I made the mistake of trying to get into online dating too soon about 7 months ago and quit pretty fast because I couldn't bring myself to feel anything but revulsion for the guys I met. It wasn't their fault - I was just hung up and I didn't want to even think about going further. I still don't. But I think you're right that it might take being with someone else.

 

I just don't know how to get to that point without feeling sick :/. The best I feel now is when I just don't think about sex or companionship period. Sometimes that works out pretty well, but it's impossible to not be reminded of it occasionally when watching TV, or you know, just living and seeing other people/couples.

[sorano]

when someone is in a good state of mind, feeling sexual or having that craving all the time come hand in hand. I remember when I was at my peak in life, I felt really good and the sex drive was way up. I found lots of people attractive. Also, I was managing 3 vitamin stores. I was doing what I liked, I interacted with many many women, so that, helped as well. Its all connected.