*** Close the LDR gap or call it quits? ***

[QuestioningMind]

First off, thanks in advance for reading this if you take the time to do so. I apologize for it being VERY long.

 

My situation has been nothing but an emotional roller coaster. Here goes...

 

Met the 'significant other' back in January 2015. We hit it off really well, spent lots of time together (we'd see each other every weekend) and sometimes even during the week. Here are some of the significant events that had occurred since we first met:

 

1) First date: Met her up for sushi. At the end of the meal, she said: "You can get this, and I'll get dessert." I said sure.

2) Valentine's 2015: I didn't plan a reservation for a restaurant, and by the time the day came around, it was too late. We decided to cook. She was cool with that. We went to the grocery store after she drove about 50 miles to see me after work. We stood in line, and apparently I didn't take my wallet out so she paid for everything (including wine that my roommate had asked to buy).

3) Day after Valentine's 2015: We went for a hike and this was when she told me she got accepted into the university of her dreams across the country. Our feelings for each other were so strong, that we decided to just see where things go when she had to leave in July.

4) March 2015: We took a miniroad trip to go to a two day concert. I went on an impulse and purchased the concert tickets, and then decided to pay for an Airbnb because there was no way I'd be crashing on a couch of her friend's brother's place. We hit it off. This roadtrip was awesome! We took her car down to the concert, and I drove most of the way. And..I was texting while driving. Supposedly I was on the phone quite frequently.

5) April 2015: I had just finished working a stressful three months, so our boss decided to take us out to celebrate our hardwork. We had a full-day planned: Volunteering in the morning at a food donation center, lunch, pampering session, followed by dinner. I was texting the SO throughout the day and giving updates as to what we were doing, where we were at, etc. Even sending pictures. When dinner comes around, I was still texting her here and there. Once the food arrived, I slowed the texting down and only pulled my phone out when I saw others do it. I'd go into the bathroom to text her. Once we finished dinner, we left (and I carpooled with the boss and a few others) back to where our cars were (at the volunteering center). I don't remember getting a phone call up until this point, but probably 45 minutes later after I dropped someone off at their house, I get a call from the SO and was told that she had called me. A few weeks go by and she brings this situation up and wonders why I didn't pick up the phone.. She wonders why I can text throughout dinner, and then all of a sudden I just not pick up a call. I told her I clearly don't remember getting a phone call. Then I told her that I might've gotten it, but put my phone away because I didn't want to answer it while at the dinner table. Then I changed it up again and told her that I was in the boss' car and didn't want to be rude and pick it up. Lastly, i told her that I was dropping a colleague off at home and didn't want to be rude to pick it up. TLDR: I was honestly forgetful and don't remember why I didn't get the call; I can't remember if I even got the call or if I got it and chose not to answer because I didn't want to be rude. She had suspicions of me.. This stirred up an argument. This was the start of the arguments.

6) May 2015: I had a good friend from high school (whom I used to have feelings for, and where I resorted to measures to ease the depression and stress) who I would always GChat, Snapchat, and text here and there. She lives in another state. The SO found this out and told me to stop Snapchatting her (even though I wouldn't be sending anything inappropriate). I said okay, but continued to do it shortly (not sure if it was a few days, or a week) thereafter. I just got comfortable and paid it no mind that it bothered the SO. During May, we went to winecountry and had an AWESOME day. I was Snapchatting some parts of the day, and even sent them to the high school friend.

7) June 2015 (1/2): The night before the SO had to go out to Vegas, we decided to meet up for dinner with a good friend of mine (who introduced me to the SO). She randomly brings up that she was wondering who I was texting (back in March) while driving her car. My memory is terrible, so she took my phone and went down the text list. I couldn't remember for the life of me.. She asked if it was the high school friend, but I said no. She then asked if it was xxxx. I said, maybe. So she scrolls through the texts back to March and reads what I had written to my buddy. I can admit it was a bit pervvy, but guys talk like that. I'm ashamed to have written it and didn't mean to disrespect her in anyway. She got VERY upset about this, and basically ruined the night. The next morning, she left for Vegas. She was going to be there for 3-4 days. She was VERY angry with me and almost ended things. Then she ended up not having a good time for the 3rd day and I decided to fly out there to comfort her. I think she appreciated that. I apologized for what I did prior to her Vegas trip because I felt so bad.

8) June 2015 (2/2): During this time, I took PTO for nearly three weeks to study for a test. I ended up spending those three weeks at her house (she lived with her parents at the time). Things were okay for the most part considering what had happened a week ago. Prior to June, the SO would lend me adderrall to study (she has a prescription for it). I don't remember what happened during this time, but we almost broke up. I was getting ready to leave the house, and I asked her "Can I have some adderrall?" (Stupid question to ask, right?). She said "No, what kind of request is that?" I replied with "I'll pay for it.". She said "No" once again. I ended up going back to her house later and we somehow 'fixed' whatever happened. A few days later after eating breakfast, I went downstairs (while she was upstairs) to get my study material and noticed that she kept her container of adderrall next to the bed. I took one and proceeded to study. The next day, I did the same. Later, she comes up to me and asks "Do you have anything you want to tell me?" I was confused and said "No". I thought about what I possibly could have done, and then I confessed and said that I took an adderrall. She asked "One?" I replied with "I took one yesterday too." She asked why I took hers, I told her that i couldn't find the container that I kept the ones that she had previously given me. I essentially lied to her and this caused a full on argument (mostly her yelling and cussing me out). This was the BIGGEST argument we've had. She called me names (Fing slow, Fing retarded, Fing hypocrite)

9) July 2015 (1/3): Few days before July 4th, things between us were very shaky due to the incident I described in 7) above. I don't blame her. I take full responsibility for essentially taking drugs from her and lying about it. Never had I imagined that I would do that in my life! During this time, she asked if I had been Snapchatting my friend. I said yes. She asked why I didn't stop. I don't know why I didn't stop after she initially told me.. This caused another argument.

10) July 2015 (2/3): We 'break up' because of what I had done a few days ago, and then she leaves to move across the country for school. One of the saddest days I've ever felt..

11) July 2015 (3/3): She says that she lost trust in me because of what had happened. I don't blame her. She then asks HOW she can start to trust me from so far away. I don't have any suggestion. She then suggests that I give her my FB, GMail, Instagram, Snapchat, and cellphone passwords. I initially declined because I'm the type that likes my privacy. She insisted that I had something to hide from her because of that. Then she mentioned that back in May, when she needed to use my phone (her phone died), instead of telling her my password, I just took off the password completely and gave her my phone to use. After a while, I gave her all of my passwords because I didn't have anything to hide. I told my friends about this, and they said this was a redflag. I was convincing them that I had nothing to hide so it didn't bother me.

12) August 2015 (1/2): After providing my passwords to the SO, she proceeds to go through my emails and FB messages. She digs up messages that I had sent to my ex (two years ago). She finds out that I had put up profile pictures of my ex and I. She got VERY angry as to why I didn't put pictures up of her and myself, and reads all of the messages that were sent between my ex and I. Basically opening Pandora's box here.. A lot of the stuff were things that I didn't even remember saying, so when she asked me why I said those things, I told her I didn't. I was 'lying' in a sense because she read everything.

13) August 2015 (2/2): We've been texting, talking, and FaceTiming ever since she left in July. I tried to keep in contact with her, hoping to have another chance with her. I fly to visit her (and extended my trip from one week to two weeks) from the third week of August until Labor Day weekend. It was as if nothing had happened between us; the physical connection between us was as if we were back in the honeymoon stage.

14) September 2015: We went to an event and she kept asking me to check who was performing at which stage. I had to pull my phone out every so often to check. I then just told her to put her fingerprint on my phone so she could unlock it. She got upset and said "Why are you asking me to put my fingerprint on it now? After today, I'm not even going to be near your phone and can't even use it." I was trying to be open with her, and she got upset.. A couple of days later, I leave. It was a sad day, but I remember her saying "Thanks for coming to give us another shot."

15) October 2015: We have arguments over the phone at least once a week. We spend HOURS on the phone during the week (i have to step out of work to take the calls, and she doesn't get anything done during the day). I had flights booked for sometime in October (Friday - Sunday). On a Wednesday, something came up between us, and she basically pressured me into flying there that day by saying "This is something that I would do. I've skipped work before". I left work early that day and flew to see her the next morning. Don't remember what happened after that, but we had a nice dinner one of the nights I was there.

16) November 2015: I organized a dinner with her and her classmates to celebrate her birthday. She really enjoyed it. Took her out to a nice dinner a couple of nights after that. One day during the trip, she randomly brings up the high school friend and asks why I kept in contact with her. She proceeds to go through my phone and texts her inappropriate things. She then goes on my FB and goes the my high school friend's page and likes pictures that I had liked back in 2010 or so. She proceeds to delete her off of FB, IG, Snapchat, and my cellphone. I told her to stop and asked why she did that. She questions me "Why do you care? She isn't your friend!" Next thing.. She chokes me, punches me, pinches me, pushes me onto her bed and straddles me. Basically physically and verbally abusing me. This happened the next night as well. She also brings up how I didn't pay for Valentine's groceries and how I let her pay for dessert on the first date. I decided that I was going to leave, but she forced me not to by threatening that she'd throw my stuff down the garbage chute. I told her the next day that I would leave, and she offered to find me a place to stay. Fast forward a few days, we end up 'fixing' things and then we decide to try and give Thanksgiving a shot with the hopes of possibly spending the next Thanksgiving together as well. This was a blast. Cooked and cleaned together, etc.

17) December 2015 (1/2): We constantly have arguments week after week. One day, I just had enough. I told her that I was done and couldn't take it anymore. I broke up with her over text message. I knew that if I were to end things with her via phone or FaceTime, I'd give in because of how much I cared for her and seeing/hearing her voice would make it harder. By this time, I had plans to move to be with her (already had a one-way ticket purchased) in January. She called and texted me after I broke up with her. I did my best to ignore her, but I replied once in a while telling her to stop, and to respect my wish. She ended up coming back because she finished her finals, and showed up at my house at 2am constantly calling and texting me. She then showed up at my workplace in the evening. I had no way of avoiding her at this point. Long story short: She begged for me back and realized how much she was hurting me over the past few months (October until December). She felt 'entitled' to neglect me during those months because of what I did in July and her actions just continued even after she 'forgave' me for what I did. I gave her another shot.

 

At this point, all of my friends had told me to ignore her and to not give her another shot. They think that she won't change and this is just her personality.

 

18) December 2015 (2/2): After her begging for me back and telling me that she is going to change, we end up going to visit my family in another state (I had bought her a ticket back in September). This was a great vacation; we spent Christmas with my family and friends and enjoyed ourselves. We had an argument of course..

19) January 2016 - Present: She's back in school. We have arguments every week, and I just reach a point where I just 'break up' with her via text because I don't want to deal with arguments. I lose my cool very quick. Very short-fused. I can tell that she's trying to be more constructive about the relationship and having more patience with me. But she's reached a point where she gets emotionally damaged from me 'breaking up' with her every week. Why do I break up with her every time we have an argument? Do I just not care anymore? I know I'm being immature about it and not talking about the problem at hand, but why do I do it?

 

An instance in January 2016: She texts me during lunch to see if I'm free. I tell her I'm too lazy to bring my lunch out of the room to talk. She says "So you'd rather spend your lunch with your coworkers, who you see for 60 hours a week, than to talk to me who you see at most once a month?" Because of this, I feel like she'd say the same even if we moved in together. My thinking is: "So you'd rather hang out with your coworkers after work than to come home and spend time with me?" This is a thought that I have that makes me hesitant on moving across the country to be with her. As if she's controlling who I can and can't hang out with.

 

Right now, I'm trying to see that I can change (not be so short-tempered) and can be a better person about things. It's obviously taking a while, but I think I can improve on this. Sometimes I think: Would I be this way with someone else? Is this my personality? Or is it just our incompatibility?

 

***TLDR: Honeymoon phase --> I stole drugs from her and lied / Snapchatted a friend from high school who I used to have feelings for (10 years ago) --> She moved away --> I tried to get her back (flew to see her about once a month for three months) --> She physically and verbally abused me, all the while neglecting me --> I break up with her --> She begs for me back --> I give her a shot --> We have constant arguments EVERY week and I 'break up' with her because I can't deal with the arguments (short-fused) --> Here I am now posting.

 

Right now, I want to be with her because I still care. But in order for us to work, I have to move across the country. I don't have a job there (yet) and have no friends and family there. I'd basically move there to give us a shot. When things are good between us, things are GREAT. When things aren't so well, **** hits the fan. I've pushed her further and further away with my immature actions of breaking up every week, and I'm hesitant that if I do move there, she'd start the whole process of neglecting me again.

 

My friends and family say we are incompatible and shouldn't continue. I basically told all of them everything that happened and they agree that we shouldn't be together. One friend said the cycle will continue (she'll continue to abuse me, I break up with her, and then she'll try to reel me back in). I don't want to listen to them because I still see a future with her (obviously once we settle a lot of things between us). Am I an idiot? Are we idiots for wanting to 'try' and continue? Right now, I can tell that she is very angry with me. Things aren't cool between us at the moment.

 

I tried to be as detailed as I can, but I probably left some stuff out (because of how forgetful I am. LOL).. I sincerely apologize for such a long read. If anyone needs clarification on anything or further info, please do not hesitate to ask.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

Edited February 22, 2016 by QuestioningMind

[madjac74]

So I skimmed over this but because of the fact that most of it was negative and most importantly that you had everything documented so well makes me feel that she would be better off moving on.

[QuestioningMind]

So I skimmed over this but because of the fact that most of it was negative and most importantly that you had everything documented so well makes me feel that she would be better off moving on.

 

Thanks for the reply!

 

Don't get me wrong, we have really great times together. We enjoy each other's company. She, too, can see a future together (once we figure out some issues between us). The sex is great. We enjoy doing mundane tasks together (grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc). We're both into fitness. We love to eat and try new foods. Basically, we have similar interests and chemistry is there. Compatibility though?

 

I had this problem of talking to friends and family about only the negative things between us. Never any positive. This was/is something that she hated/hates. She doesn't like it when I talk to others about our problems rather than to confront her about them. I guess I'm the type that doesn't like conflict. So obviously, all of my friends and family will say not to continue because I've only told them the bad times that had happened. But a friend put it like this: If I ask you how your pizza taste, and you say "It's good", that's the end of discussion. But if your reply is "It's not good", then that'll prompt further questions such as "Why not? What's wrong", etc.

[madjac74]

So you respond like a computer?

[kidm]

Thanks for the reply!

 

Don't get me wrong, we have really great times together. We enjoy each other's company. She, too, can see a future together (once we figure out some issues between us). The sex is great. We enjoy doing mundane tasks together (grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc). We're both into fitness. We love to eat and try new foods. Basically, we have similar interests and chemistry is there. Compatibility though?

 

I had this problem of talking to friends and family about only the negative things between us. Never any positive. This was/is something that she hated/hates. She doesn't like it when I talk to others about our problems rather than to confront her about them. I guess I'm the type that doesn't like conflict. So obviously, all of my friends and family will say not to continue because I've only told them the bad times that had happened. But a friend put it like this: If I ask you how your pizza taste, and you say "It's good", that's the end of discussion. But if your reply is "It's not good", then that'll prompt further questions such as "Why not? What's wrong", etc.

 

A future together? All I read was drama drama drama drama. You two are incompatible and should go your separate ways. WOW. Very unhealthy relationship. Toxic!