To single OW/OM: keep dating during an A!

[lemondrop21]

I just wanted to post this suggestion based on my experience - if you are single OW/OM and not yet strong enough to get out of the A, please keep dating. Even if it's super casual, and even if you don't have physical contact with your dates, it's really good to maintain the habit.

 

I had several dates during my 8 month A, and also went out regularly and met and mingled with other men. The A has been over for nearly 6 weeks now (with a 1-day slip up) and I've already been on 4 dates. The A still weighs heavily on me, but I can handle the dates and don't get all worked up over it. I think this is because I kept dating during the A so it feels normal to me.

 

You're not obligated to tell MM/MW but if you do, and they complain, please remind them that they are MARRIED and if they want you to themself, they can do something about it. If they try to dissuade you, this points to some deeper issues and is very concerning.

 

You are very unlikely to be as attracted to your dates as you are to MM/MW when you're in the height of the A, but at least it keeps you "in the game."

[Lady2163]

Sadly, dating has gone the way of working out for me. I just don't have the time right now. My free time is so very limited, I can't justify the frivolous use of time, energy or money.

 

Hoping it changes in 4-5 months. Selling my house and business and moving to a bigger city.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Lemondrop - how are you going? Do you see your xMM at work anymore (I know he moved offices but I can't quite remember if you still have cause to see him at work?). I am finding all the reminders at work quite painful. Where I sit I can see his (now empty office) which has the light permanently switched off. Kind of ironic that his office - where so many of our conversations and interactions took place - is now in semi darkness! The weird thing is I don't want him back, I don't want him in my life but I still feel sad. It has got easier now he is no longer physically there but the reminders don't help. Maybe I need to find a different job too. I hope you are going ok!

[lemondrop21]

Hi Lemondrop - how are you going? Do you see your xMM at work anymore (I know he moved offices but I can't quite remember if you still have cause to see him at work?). I am finding all the reminders at work quite painful. Where I sit I can see his (now empty office) which has the light permanently switched off. Kind of ironic that his office - where so many of our conversations and interactions took place - is now in semi darkness! The weird thing is I don't want him back, I don't want him in my life but I still feel sad. It has got easier now he is no longer physically there but the reminders don't help. Maybe I need to find a different job too. I hope you are going ok!

Hi Grey, I am doing okay. NC day 18. I see him an average of 3 times/week from a distance but we do not speak. I'll go and update my thread. Hope you're doing alright too.

[Lovetoohard]

Lemon, that's solid advice. I really wish I hadn't stopped dating when I was in the A. I did date guys casually in the initial phases of the A, but I eventually got so wrapped up with xMM, I stopped. Looking back on it, I feel awful for treating a couple of really nice guys i'd met the way I did. I never shared with xMM when I would go on dates, but I think he'd often suspect it and would get oddly jealous and possessive. While I eventually stopped dating on the side, I didn't stop going out and having fun with friends and family and I think that kept me somewhat grounded in reality. But yeah, if I could hit the rewind button on my life, I shouldn't have stopped dating. Well, ACTUALLY, if I could hit the rewind button on life, I shouldn't have participated in an A in the first place.

[Popsicle]

I vote to END the affair rather than to keep this charade up.

[oceansaway]

I have dated throughout my time with MM. You are correct that nobody compared to him years ago have as the fog has lifted and I see him for what he really is...I am now very open to finding my forever guy. I know when I find him MM will be a distance memory

[ChickiePops]

I'm not saying you shouldn't date, but depending on how you mean it, that could be potentially unkind to the guys you're dating...i hope you're not advising people to lead people on like the MM leads you on..

 

I guess my question is, where do you draw the line? You wouldn't want to hurt anyone else right?

[burnt]

To some extent, I can understand what you mean--

that OW should just go out and try, by any means possible, to get intrusive and constant thoughts of MM out of her head, or even try to minimize them by interacting with other men.

In theory, it should make it easier to let go of the MM.

 

Kudos to the woman who actually can drag herself out to date while she is still involved with a MM.

 

However, based on my experience and based on MOST posts I read here, one of the effects of the 'fog' is that it blinds your rational thinking all together. It blinds your ability to see anything other than the MM. Especially as a woman, I find it very hard to swallow the concept emotionally and/or physically being intimate or even connect with two men.

 

If a woman is able to emotionally separate herself from the MM to go out and date another men, then she is also strong enough to separate from the MM altogether, which is the BEST option in any case.

[RRM321]

I'm unclear on what the real intent is?

 

I see how dating can be used to manipulate the MM, create a sense of empowerment in the OW, and fill the void between encounters - BUT, how long can a person with empathy hold sway as a conduit of moral transference?

 

If your commitment to the affair is undisclosed to your date isn't that the same deception the MM employs with his wife? Even if the awareness is subconscious I think it's gonna chafe.

 

It still seems like the best dating solution for single women and men in an affair is to break free from the martyrdom and emotional self-sacrifice that the married AP imposes. If we're not available, we're not actually dating - it's something else.

Edited February 23, 2016 by RRM321

[Poppy47]

If I had dated during the A, it would have been unfair.

 

I had no intentions of seeing anybody else at that time.

 

Keeping in the game was not important.

 

Poppy.

[privategal]

I think the intent is to be social...to manually lift the fog by keeping in the real world and forming bonds and friendships not making the mm your entire world.

The way dating can be, its casual, not necessary in the start to disclose other relationships or be monogamous in the beginning.

Some people date for company and to get to know people.

If a man is clear he is looking for a wife or to settle down it isnt right to continue while being with a mm...but an ow is not truly someones girlfriend or commited. Shes a fling, an ego stroke, a sexual need filler in SOME cases...no intent to generalize here, but if she can avoid not giving her whole heart and being to a man who will never be hers, there is a chance she could find her way out of this hopeless dead end situation and meet her soulmate if she dates.

Casual Dating while being involved but not commited is imo not lying or defrauding someone unless it gets seriois and the date wants you to commit. The ow should be splitting checks or paying her own way if she has zero intent to form a relationship though.

No using people. But dating is casual, many men and women date multiple people and keep options open.

Theres a window where thats normal and ok but if the exclusive talk arises this is where honesty is expected.

[RRM321]

I was thinking less about toying with the date and MM rather, wouldn't I simply be defrauding myself?

[Gigi2015]

If you truly think you'd be defrauding the MM it'd be ridiculous since he's having sex with his wife. If you're concerned about the wife experiencing too many extracurricular partners you shouldn't be involved with a MM. If you're concerned about not being forthright with a new partner....you're right. This activity involves MANY from beginning to end....End the A and date single men.