Not coping well tonight. [updated]

February 22, 2016

Hi Everyone,

I have been pretty okay for the last month or so. I'm about three months out of my break up. For some weird reason, I'm really starting to miss her again.

I felt like I was out of the woods, but now it's sort of like I was just fooling myself.

I had a really vivid dream about her last night. I could see her face clearly. It's weird because I couldn't really imagine it vividly for a while there...and it just really affected me. She kissed me in my dream, but that was enough for me to start feeling the hurt again. My brain was replaying something so real.

I find myself in a really weird place now. I feel like I've been existing within some strange type of denial. Not that we're broken up...more like pretending that the relationship never happened. Like it was all a dream so that it'll be easier to cope with. I realize how crazy that must sound.

I'm 25 and she's 21. I know it could probably never have lasted and that people will tell me that I'm fine. I am, I guess. I'm just hurting and it doesn't feel like I'm going to move past this. I'm starting to realize that I was in love for once. I guess she just didn't feel the same.

Holy shi*...am I making any sense?

P.S. I'm feeling totally alone these days. I made the awful mistake of making her my whole world and I feel like I don't know who I am.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Mr. Disposable

February 22, 2016

Yeah Man, the dreams suck bad.

But the more you work on yourself, the more you understand yourself, the easier this will get. Also, the quicker it will happen. And the dreams will subside.

When my first wife cheated on me it took me a long time to get **** straight. A Long time.

This time I started the day she left. I'm only a month in and accelerating quickly.

The emotions will ebb and flow. Nothing you can do about that. Feel the pain, when it is there, and also use it to grow. It is in my opinion that you can't be a real man until you've been dumped on your ass by the girl you have made everything. What better pain then heartbreak to channel into growth.

Heartbreak is the worst pain on the planet, the absolute worst. Use it. Find yourself. Don't sit around waiting for life to get better. Find some ego boosters. Flirt with girls, ask some of them out. Be better than you were yesterday.

You're 25!!!!! You will be fine.

February 22, 2016

Yeah Man, the dreams suck bad.

But the more you work on yourself, the more you understand yourself, the easier this will get. Also, the quicker it will happen. And the dreams will subside.

When my first wife cheated on me it took me a long time to get **** straight. A Long time.

This time I started the day she left. I'm only a month in and accelerating quickly.

The emotions will ebb and flow. Nothing you can do about that. Feel the pain, when it is there, and also use it to grow. It is in my opinion that you can't be a real man until you've been dumped on your ass by the girl you have made everything. What better pain then heartbreak to channel into growth.

Heartbreak is the worst pain on the planet, the absolute worst. Use it. Find yourself. Don't sit around waiting for life to get better. Find some ego boosters. Flirt with girls, ask some of them out. Be better than you were yesterday.

You're 25!!!!! You will be fine.

Thanks, Jesslindy. A big part of me knows that you're right and I'd love to believe that. I'm not a big believer in anything mystical, magical, or fatalistic. I don't really believe in the one...and even still. Losing her felt like losing that person that everyone was talking about.

Hard as I try to shake it off and focus on things like my music or developing my career some days it hits me really fuc*ing hard. I'm not really sure how to meet other people and I completely lack the confidence to just approach other women the way that you've described. After a failed engagement and losing this person that I thought was the love of my life...I feel extremely low. Unworthy, I guess.

That bit about the girl you made everything...I get what you're saying. I helped her along her way in some really enormous ways and I felt so disposed of when things were through (hence the name).

Anyway, sorry to dump on you. Thank you so much for responding. I don't really have anyone in my life to talk to about this so this site is a really big help at times like this.

February 22, 2016

Yeah, it does sort of rob you of your own sense of self :/. That's the worst. So are those stupid dreams.

I don't believe in "the one" either, but it's mad hard to not think you've found them anyways when everything with them seems perfect.

When I feel like this (which is fairly often), I just accept it and go through the motions of my day until the fog clears again. Its all I *can* do. Rewatching old TV shows and movies that I used to be really into before my ex was in my life also helps.

February 22, 2016

There is a reason everyone here says the same thing over and over, because it works!!!!

The only way to get over a fear in this life is to face it, head on. Fear holds you back in life.

Dude, you are not disposable. You are a person who was made to feel that way, to be sure, but you are not disposable.

Have you tried talking to a therapist? If you feel like you are above it or it wouldn't help, for some reason, you couldn't be more wrong. It helps. A lot. There are free options, and low cost options. The therapist might not be very good but, it always helps to talk to someone.

If you truly feel like you're disposable and not worth someones time, it's going to be hard for you to get back out there and see what life has to offer. You KNOW you're not disposable, you just FEEL that way because of your feeling of rejection. It hurts a man's ego to be rejected, but if you work on your self worth you will start to feel better.

She was just a person, that's it. She's gone now, that's reality. You're young, and YOU WILL BE FINE!!!

Get busy livin.

February 22, 2016

Yeah, it does sort of rob you of your own sense of self :/. That's the worst. So are those stupid dreams.

I don't believe in "the one" either, but it's mad hard to not think you've found them anyways when everything with them seems perfect.

When I feel like this (which is fairly often), I just accept it and go through the motions of my day until the fog clears again. Its all I *can* do. Rewatching old TV shows and movies that I used to be really into before my ex was in my life also helps.

I'm glad (but also sorry!) that someone can relate to how I'm feeling. I didn't feel angry about it. I guess it just sort of forced me to face how much I'm missing her. It's like a dull ache. It's always there beneath the surface.

It was far from perfect in our case. Our relationship was born out of her cheating on her ex boyfriend . Not exactly the paragon of mature behavior, I know.

I just felt something for her that was enough. Regardless of how things started I was crazy in love with her. I think that's where our feelings differed. I would have endured anything for/with her. She didn't have that feeling for me. That's the hardest part for me in moving forward.

Haha, yeah I've been trying to do the same. It's just so tough when every little thing is a trigger. As a guy it's really tough, because we're not expected to feel this so strongly. Everyone sort of advises me to move on, get laid, etc. I'm just not that guy.

There is a reason everyone here says the same thing over and over, because it works!!!!

The only way to get over a fear in this life is to face it, head on. Fear holds you back in life.

Dude, you are not disposable. You are a person who was made to feel that way, to be sure, but you are not disposable.

Have you tried talking to a therapist? If you feel like you are above it or it wouldn't help, for some reason, you couldn't be more wrong. It helps. A lot. There are free options, and low cost options. The therapist might not be very good but, it always helps to talk to someone.

If you truly feel like you're disposable and not worth someones time, it's going to be hard for you to get back out there and see what life has to offer. You KNOW you're not disposable, you just FEEL that way because of your feeling of rejection. It hurts a man's ego to be rejected, but if you work on your self worth you will start to feel better.

She was just a person, that's it. She's gone now, that's reality. You're young, and YOU WILL BE FINE!!!

Get busy livin.

Thanks, man. I really appreciate you saying that. You're right. I know that I'm not disposable, but that feeling is really strong some days. I just don't feel like myself. My insecurities peaked following the break up and it's been really tough to come back from that. I just don't feel like me anymore. Without strong social support it's even harder. I border on isolation most days. I've never been very good at getting out there.

That was the first thing I did. The break up was hitting me hard and I wanted to be proactive. It was tough and didn't feel very helpful. There was a lot of talk about co-dependence and love addiction/love avoidant behavior. I was open to really facing it at first, but the therapy felt worn and didn't alleviate my feelings after a while. It was like all of my nice/kind behaviors/attitudes were being pathologized. As someone with a master's degree in psychology, I made the choice to just try to press on in other ways (sublimation, etc.).

That's the toughest part of reality to deal with. "She's just a person." I've heard that a few times and my mind refuses to deal with that fact even though it's something I know logically is true. I feel like I lost someone irreplaceable.

Thanks for all of your kind words and for lending an ear guys. I really appreciate it. I'm looking forward to the moment when all of things you're both saying ring true for me with some permanence.

February 23, 2016

You say that you had a filed engagement and then lost this most recent girl to the breakup... So what does that tell you? Tells me that there are multiple women out there who you can fall in love with and believe is "Miss Perfect" at any given time. This last girl wasn't the "only one for you", she's just the most recent one. If you were born in a different state, heck a different town, or went to a different hs or college, do you think you would have never fallen in love or dated anyone? Of course not. You can fall in love multiple times in a million ways with many people.

You won't be fully over her until you are legitimately attracted to someone else and given that jolt of excitement when you feel or find out that person likes you back or is interested. That's the cure all for break ups. The down time and dry spell period after is what makes us think "I'll never get over her, she was special". When in fact, two years from now you'll be on top of a girl wondering what the bell you were crying about over the 21 yo years back.

Distract yourself if you need to. Don't wallow in sad songs on your iPod. Go out with your friends. Fake being happy until you get that spark ignited from the girl across the room looking your way. That's when you'll be golden

February 23, 2016

I'm glad (but also sorry!) that someone can relate to how I'm feeling. I didn't feel angry about it. I guess it just sort of forced me to face how much I'm missing her. It's like a dull ache. It's always there beneath the surface.

It was far from perfect in our case. Our relationship was born out of her cheating on her ex boyfriend . Not exactly the paragon of mature behavior, I know.

I just felt something for her that was enough. Regardless of how things started I was crazy in love with her. I think that's where our feelings differed. I would have endured anything for/with her. She didn't have that feeling for me. That's the hardest part for me in moving forward.

Haha, yeah I've been trying to do the same. It's just so tough when every little thing is a trigger. As a guy it's really tough, because we're not expected to feel this so strongly. Everyone sort of advises me to move on, get laid, etc. I'm just not that guy.

I didn't feel angry about mine either. Occasionally I do now, but most of the time I still don't.

It is indeed very hard to know you care for someone more than they'll ever care for you. I remember I drove to my ex's house at five in the morning before work on his birthday to tie a balloon to his car and leave a card on his windshield and I got him some really thoughtful gifts. And then for my birthday, he forgot to order my present on time and didn't get it to me until after he dumped me (a week after my birthday). It hurt so much. You invest all this time and effort thinking it'll be worth it and then suddenly it's not and that sucks.

Yeah, I don't envy you being a guy in this case. I think a lot of guys who cope by getting laid are really just covering their sadness and trying to push it away. It's not that they don't have it (though I suppose some don't), but it definitely isn't as easy as it is for women to get it out and feel it all the time until it's gone.

February 23, 2016

Man we are with you. It hurts but we have to move on and on. Im sure you will find someone who loves you just as much as you love them back soon enough. im 26 and got dumped last month. Well to be honest last night I had a dream of him and then I woke up and couldnt fall back to sleep. It was a happy dream with him ofcourse but then I realized that is already over and HE DOESNT LOVE me. I literally feel like my world is falling apart. People are like you are young and bla bla bla but hello we are not getting any younger so its like.......

February 23, 2016

That was the first thing I did. The break up was hitting me hard and I wanted to be proactive. It was tough and didn't feel very helpful. There was a lot of talk about co-dependence and love addiction/love avoidant behavior. I was open to really facing it at first, but the therapy felt worn and didn't alleviate my feelings after a while. It was like all of my nice/kind behaviors/attitudes were being pathologized. As someone with a master's degree in psychology, I made the choice to just try to press on in other ways (sublimation, etc.).

That's the toughest part of reality to deal with. "She's just a person." I've heard that a few times and my mind refuses to deal with that fact even though it's something I know logically is true. I feel like I lost someone irreplaceable.

Thanks for all of your kind words and for lending an ear guys. I really appreciate it. I'm looking forward to the moment when all of things you're both saying ring true for me with some permanence.

You also make a good point about not pathologizing everything. People always put themselves and their exes into categories (Narcissistic, codependent, blah blah blah) and most of it just means "heartbroken" and different people deal with that in different ways. I'd only label myself with a condition if I was still stuck with little to no improvement after like, a year or two. But if you're only a few months out, and it sounds like you were only one out when you went to therapy, that's just called being sad and having a hard time. Feeling pathetic and empty after getting dumped by someone you love doesn't make you codependent or love addicted. It makes you human.

But it sounds like you are being proactive and you care enough about yourself to take care of yourself, which is good . I think you've got this, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

February 23, 2016

You say that you had a filed engagement and then lost this most recent girl to the breakup... So what does that tell you? Tells me that there are multiple women out there who you can fall in love with and believe is "Miss Perfect" at any given time. This last girl wasn't the "only one for you", she's just the most recent one. If you were born in a different state, heck a different town, or went to a different hs or college, do you think you would have never fallen in love or dated anyone? Of course not. You can fall in love multiple times in a million ways with many people.

You won't be fully over her until you are legitimately attracted to someone else and given that jolt of excitement when you feel or find out that person likes you back or is interested. That's the cure all for break ups. The down time and dry spell period after is what makes us think "I'll never get over her, she was special". When in fact, two years from now you'll be on top of a girl wondering what the bell you were crying about over the 21 yo years back.

Distract yourself if you need to. Don't wallow in sad songs on your iPod. Go out with your friends. Fake being happy until you get that spark ignited from the girl across the room looking your way. That's when you'll be golden

A valid argument and one that I've used myself. I wasn't in love with the girl that I was engaged to, however. We got engaged out of a sense of obligation and thankfully things ended before they got too far.

Yeah...I'm sure that's true. I just can't see it right now. As I said before, I know there's no "one." I just felt this last girl was something special.

I didn't feel angry about mine either. Occasionally I do now, but most of the time I still don't.

It is indeed very hard to know you care for someone more than they'll ever care for you. I remember I drove to my ex's house at five in the morning before work on his birthday to tie a balloon to his car and leave a card on his windshield and I got him some really thoughtful gifts. And then for my birthday, he forgot to order my present on time and didn't get it to me until after he dumped me (a week after my birthday). It hurt so much. You invest all this time and effort thinking it'll be worth it and then suddenly it's not and that sucks.

Yeah, I don't envy you being a guy in this case. I think a lot of guys who cope by getting laid are really just covering their sadness and trying to push it away. It's not that they don't have it (though I suppose some don't), but it definitely isn't as easy as it is for women to get it out and feel it all the time until it's gone.

Ha...you sound like me. Yeah. I can think of so many instances where I gave it my all. Vacations, love letters, dates, surprises, flowers for no reason other than love. All the things I thought a woman would want from a man.

Thanks, I appreciate you understanding where I'm coming from with that. I've been trying the more "feminine" approach to this break up. No dating, no drinking it off, and I stopped boxing. I'm done with the bullsh*it of trying to "deal with it like a man." I feel sad so I'm focusing on my music, developing my singing and writing. Spending time alone thinking. I'm trying to grow and learn something from my pain.

My hope is that the next time I'm interested in someone I'll be better for the experience.

Man we are with you. It hurts but we have to move on and on. Im sure you will find someone who loves you just as much as you love them back soon enough. im 26 and got dumped last month. Well to be honest last night I had a dream of him and then I woke up and couldnt fall back to sleep. It was a happy dream with him ofcourse but then I realized that is already over and HE DOESNT LOVE me. I literally feel like my world is falling apart. People are like you are young and bla bla bla but hello we are not getting any younger so its like.......

Thanks, kztar . I dreamt about her again last night. It's far too early to be thinking about all of this, but I'm really thankful that other people are sharing that they feel sort of like I do. It's comforting to know I'm not nuts.

You're right. That's exactly it. We're not getting younger and she doesn't love me. I feel for you, too.

You also make a good point about not pathologizing everything. People always put themselves and their exes into categories (Narcissistic, codependent, blah blah blah) and most of it just means "heartbroken" and different people deal with that in different ways. I'd only label myself with a condition if I was still stuck with little to no improvement after like, a year or two. But if you're only a few months out, and it sounds like you were only one out when you went to therapy, that's just called being sad and having a hard time. Feeling pathetic and empty after getting dumped by someone you love doesn't make you codependent or love addicted. It makes you human.

But it sounds like you are being proactive and you care enough about yourself to take care of yourself, which is good . I think you've got this, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Agreed. It's so easy to just categorize it and file it away as "they were crazy" or "my parents messed me up." As hard as I was trying to "get better" and move forward, therapy just bummed me out. I'm hardly past the three month mark. Sometimes it feels much longer though. Thank you for saying that it's normal. That support really puts me at ease.

I'm trying my hardest. I've learned a lot about myself in the last five years/two break ups. It hasn't been easy and I feel awful right now...but hopefully someday soon things will improve.

February 23, 2016

Ha...you sound like me. Yeah. I can think of so many instances where I gave it my all. Vacations, love letters, dates, surprises, flowers for no reason other than love. All the things I thought a woman would want from a man.

Thanks, I appreciate you understanding where I'm coming from with that. I've been trying the more "feminine" approach to this break up. No dating, no drinking it off, and I stopped boxing. I'm done with the bullsh*it of trying to "deal with it like a man." I feel sad so I'm focusing on my music, developing my singing and writing. Spending time alone thinking. I'm trying to grow and learn something from my pain.

My hope is that the next time I'm interested in someone I'll be better for the experience.

Women do want those things, trust me. She's probably just a bit immature and not particularly thoughtful and doesn't have the foresight to see what she really wants in a man and how relationships should be, hence the cheating on her ex with you.

It is true that women are generally more in touch with their emotions, and that sounds like a healthy way of coping. Besides, lots of ladies love a guy who can sing, so that certainly doesn't hurt you .

And I'm sure you will be. I don't know if you've ever been heartbroken like this before, but coming from someone who's felt this way twice now, I can tell you that when you do come out of it you feel a lot stronger, happier, and more confident than you probably did before you ever dated this girl. It's just that the only way through it is through it.

Agreed. It's so easy to just categorize it and file it away as "they were crazy" or "my parents messed me up." As hard as I was trying to "get better" and move forward, therapy just bummed me out. I'm hardly past the three month mark. Sometimes it feels much longer though. Thank you for saying that it's normal. That support really puts me at ease.

I'm trying my hardest. I've learned a lot about myself in the last five years/two break ups. It hasn't been easy and I feel awful right now...but hopefully someday soon things will improve.

Those excuses are so common right now, yeah, especially in the college/grad school environment. These people get really obsessed with self-analysis and diagnosis. Of course, some people really are messed up by their parents and some people really do have crazy exes, but a lot of them/us just use those as excuses so they don't feel as bad about the reality of the situation. But honestly, I think it's more comforting to know that you *don't* have anything inherently wrong with you, because that means you can easily fix it the next go around.

I know it's hard not to feel like something's wrong with you when you're supposedly doing everything right in the recovery process and still suffering, though. It's really tough when you can look at yourself logically and know that you're going/went to therapy, working on yourself, eating, and overall just trying to take care of yourself properly and you still find yourself an emotional wreck, because you feel like, after doing your best, you should have results. I've done everything they say to do aside from therapy myself, and while it's not as bad as it was, my ex is still on my mind every day and I've realized that while coping poorly by drinking/casual sex/breaking NC can make your experience worse and more difficult, doing the right stuff and taking care of yourself doesn't make it better or easier. It only stops you from getting worse, and then time is the thing that actually does the healing.

At least, that's how it is for me. But don't feel like there's something wrong with you if you aren't feeling better yet, I guess is my point.

February 23, 2016

Women do want those things, trust me. She's probably just a bit immature and not particularly thoughtful and doesn't have the foresight to see what she really wants in a man and how relationships should be, hence the cheating on her ex with you.

It is true that women are generally more in touch with their emotions, and that sounds like a healthy way of coping. Besides, lots of ladies love a guy who can sing, so that certainly doesn't hurt you .

And I'm sure you will be. I don't know if you've ever been heartbroken like this before, but coming from someone who's felt this way twice now, I can tell you that when you do come out of it you feel a lot stronger, happier, and more confident than you probably did before you ever dated this girl. It's just that the only way through it is through it.

I'm sure you're right. That's been the primary response I've gotten from everyone post break-up. Her maturity just wasn't up to par and I should stop dating girls who are so young. Your observation about the cheating is probably true as well. I've thought this myself a few times. I wasn't the most mature person either for ignoring it.

Haha, thanks! I need all of the help I can get ! It's been a ton of fun so far. I've been playing guitar forever and I started feeling brave with my voice after all of these years. It's such a weird parallel to what's happening with the break up. It's a vulnerability...a nakedness. I sold my electric and picked up a nice acoustic and my goal is to start playing at open mics and stuff. It scares the sh*t out of me, but it seems like a great way to overcome fear and gain confidence.

This is also my second go around with this type of pain. As I mentioned before, I was engaged once in my early 20s. It was an enormous mistake. We weren't right for each other at all. I was about 20 lbs. overweight when I was with her. After we broke up, I started boxing five nights a week. I lost 30 lbs., changed up my style, and within three months met my most recent ex.

I guess I'm telling you this because I'm afraid of making the same mistakes. The advice to go out and be adventurous and do things that will improve you and make you feel good is both good and bad. I feel like if I feel too good, too fast, I'll jump into another wild, unstable relationship. I feel raw and f*cked up. I don't want my healing to be wrapped up in another person. Loneliness sucks, but it can't be worse than that roller-coaster.

I was feeling good and dating her was an ego boost and the relationship was awesome for a while. But the crash was really hard. I'm getting older and I feel like I need to find a different kind of footing in my life. I just don't feel the same about jumping back out there. It's a new type of fear.

Those excuses are so common right now, yeah, especially in the college/grad school environment. These people get really obsessed with self-analysis and diagnosis. Of course, some people really are messed up by their parents and some people really do have crazy exes, but a lot of them/us just use those as excuses so they don't feel as bad about the reality of the situation. But honestly, I think it's more comforting to know that you *don't* have anything inherently wrong with you, because that means you can easily fix it the next go around.

I know it's hard not to feel like something's wrong with you when you're supposedly doing everything right in the recovery process and still suffering, though. It's really tough when you can look at yourself logically and know that you're going/went to therapy, working on yourself, eating, and overall just trying to take care of yourself properly and you still find yourself an emotional wreck, because you feel like, after doing your best, you should have results. I've done everything they say to do aside from therapy myself, and while it's not as bad as it was, my ex is still on my mind every day and I've realized that while coping poorly by drinking/casual sex/breaking NC can make your experience worse and more difficult, doing the right stuff and taking care of yourself doesn't make it better or easier. It only stops you from getting worse, and then time is the thing that actually does the healing.

At least, that's how it is for me. But don't feel like there's something wrong with you if you aren't feeling better yet, I guess is my point.

That's a really great point. Not feeling intrinsically f*cked up is a good thing. It's nice to not feel like I'm just flawed and that's the reason why things aren't working out. It's just life. These things happen, I suppose.

I love your perspective on that. I'm going to try to think of it that way. It's not fun and it sucks. I think of her all of the time. But at least I'm not getting worse. That's healing. Just like an open wound.

Thanks, Raina. You've been really helpful and talking with you has been pretty cathartic for me. I appreciate hearing things from a feminine perspective.

February 23, 2016

I'm sure you're right. That's been the primary response I've gotten from everyone post break-up. Her maturity just wasn't up to par and I should stop dating girls who are so young. Your observation about the cheating is probably true as well. I've thought this myself a few times. I wasn't the most mature person either for ignoring it.

Haha, thanks! I need all of the help I can get ! It's been a ton of fun so far. I've been playing guitar forever and I started feeling brave with my voice after all of these years. It's such a weird parallel to what's happening with the break up. It's a vulnerability...a nakedness. I sold my electric and picked up a nice acoustic and my goal is to start playing at open mics and stuff. It scares the sh*t out of me, but it seems like a great way to overcome fear and gain confidence.

This is also my second go around with this type of pain. As I mentioned before, I was engaged once in my early 20s. It was an enormous mistake. We weren't right for each other at all. I was about 20 lbs. overweight when I was with her. After we broke up, I started boxing five nights a week. I lost 30 lbs., changed up my style, and within three months met my most recent ex.

I guess I'm telling you this because I'm afraid of making the same mistakes. The advice to go out and be adventurous and do things that will improve you and make you feel good is both good and bad. I feel like if I feel too good, too fast, I'll jump into another wild, unstable relationship. I feel raw and f*cked up. I don't want my healing to be wrapped up in another person. Loneliness sucks, but it can't be worse than that roller-coaster.

I was feeling good and dating her was an ego boost and the relationship was awesome for a while. But the crash was really hard. I'm getting older and I feel like I need to find a different kind of footing in my life. I just don't feel the same about jumping back out there. It's a new type of fear.

That's a really great point. Not feeling intrinsically f*cked up is a good thing. It's nice to not feel like I'm just flawed and that's the reason why things aren't working out. It's just life. These things happen, I suppose.

I love your perspective on that. I'm going to try to think of it that way. It's not fun and it sucks. I think of her all of the time. But at least I'm not getting worse. That's healing. Just like an open wound.

Thanks, Raina. You've been really helpful and talking with you has been pretty cathartic for me. I appreciate hearing things from a feminine perspective.

You don't necessarily have to stop dating girls who are a little younger, a lot of women do mature earlier and you can find plenty who are 21 or so who are more mature. Many women are ready to be serious in their early 20s. That said, it is true that the odds are just a bit better with someone older. Early 20s are a transitional period and people are usually more stable once they've found a job and are done with school and all that, so the other people you've talked to do have a point.

That's awesome! I have no musical talent so I've always sorta been in awe of people that do lol. Singing and playing guitar at open mics sounds like a great way to deal with some of the sadness and gain confidence, so I hope that goes well . I'm sure you're really good at guitar by now and it's really cool that you sing and write as well.

I definitely agree that your healing shouldn't be too wrapped up by another person, yeah. And just going out and trying a whole bunch of adventurous stuff can be too much if you do it too soon. I'm trilingual and (even though this isn't wild at all) I've tried going out to language practice/chat groups at bars and stuff, but it just made me feel more lonely because my the change that came with my breakup was hard enough, and going to new places and meeting a whole bunch of new people just made me miss the familiarity I had with my ex and I felt better being with people I was already familiar with or just being by myself. So I decided to start trying to get back to myself with the environment and people I already have first and maybe then go out and try a whole bunch of new stuff.

Loneliness does suck, but new relationships are stressful in their own way and I think it's very wise to not hop from person to person. I used to have a friend who always did that, and it seems like each guy she dated was worse than the last. They just got more and more nasty and abusive because she never took the time to heal and get her self-esteem back for herself. I think it's harder to accurately judge other people and make good decisions when you still feel terrible about yourself.

I kinda know what you mean. I feel like whatever relationship comes next has to be different just because coming out of college and working full-time is a whole different kind of life. I'm not sure if that's what you're feeling at all too, but there's definitely a switch in mindset at our age, I think.

And I'm glad that helped . It's hard, and you may feel like you have terrible self-esteem issues and you probably know some people who feel the way you do who are on meds because of it, but the difference is that people on meds and in therapy are often there because they're irrationally sad and depressed. You shouldn't need meds if you're depressed and sad for a good reason. I mean, that's just how emotion is supposed to work.

You're very welcome! Talking to you has helped me too (it's just as useful for me to hear things from the male perspective), and I'm glad I can be of some help since one of the worst things about a breakup is feeling like you're useless. It's good to know that I can still have a positive presence somewhere.

February 23, 2016

You don't necessarily have to stop dating girls who are a little younger, a lot of women do mature earlier and you can find plenty who are 21 or so who are more mature. Many women are ready to be serious in their early 20s. That said, it is true that the odds are just a bit better with someone older. Early 20s are a transitional period and people are usually more stable once they've found a job and are done with school and all that, so the other people you've talked to do have a point.

That's awesome! I have no musical talent so I've always sorta been in awe of people that do lol. Singing and playing guitar at open mics sounds like a great way to deal with some of the sadness and gain confidence, so I hope that goes well . I'm sure you're really good at guitar by now and it's really cool that you sing and write as well.

I definitely agree that your healing shouldn't be too wrapped up by another person, yeah. And just going out and trying a whole bunch of adventurous stuff can be too much if you do it too soon. I'm trilingual and (even though this isn't wild at all) I've tried going out to language practice/chat groups at bars and stuff, but it just made me feel more lonely because my the change that came with my breakup was hard enough, and going to new places and meeting a whole bunch of new people just made me miss the familiarity I had with my ex and I felt better being with people I was already familiar with or just being by myself. So I decided to start trying to get back to myself with the environment and people I already have first and maybe then go out and try a whole bunch of new stuff.

Loneliness does suck, but new relationships are stressful in their own way and I think it's very wise to not hop from person to person. I used to have a friend who always did that, and it seems like each guy she dated was worse than the last. They just got more and more nasty and abusive because she never took the time to heal and get her self-esteem back for herself. I think it's harder to accurately judge other people and make good decisions when you still feel terrible about yourself.

I kinda know what you mean. I feel like whatever relationship comes next has to be different just because coming out of college and working full-time is a whole different kind of life. I'm not sure if that's what you're feeling at all too, but there's definitely a switch in mindset at our age, I think.

And I'm glad that helped . It's hard, and you may feel like you have terrible self-esteem issues and you probably know some people who feel the way you do who are on meds because of it, but the difference is that people on meds and in therapy are often there because they're irrationally sad and depressed. You shouldn't need meds if you're depressed and sad for a good reason. I mean, that's just how emotion is supposed to work.

You're very welcome! Talking to you has helped me too (it's just as useful for me to hear things from the male perspective), and I'm glad I can be of some help since one of the worst things about a breakup is feeling like you're useless. It's good to know that I can still have a positive presence somewhere.

That's probably true. I'm honestly afraid of dating women younger than myself. They always seem so unsure. They say that they want something, but then when it comes time to do the actual work of being in a relationship and dealing with difficulty...it's too much in tandem with their other responsibilities. I guess I just haven't been very lucky in love! .

Thank you! I'm building up the nerve to start getting out there. Guitar, yes. Vocals...I'm less sure of myself. It's a big change. I feel so nervous whenever I perform in front of other people. I hope so too!

Wow. That's really impressive (and brave of you!). At least you've tried getting out there and meeting people. Although I can definitely understand that. The times I've been out with friends for drinks or been around lots of strangers I definitely found myself missing her and the familiar. As an introvert, that one on one contact is re-energizing rather than draining. It takes a special person for me.

That's very true. I'm sort of feeling like I'm not great at relationships at this point. Finding contentment in being single has been a challenge, but you're also right in saying that being in a relationship is stressful. Until you feel comfortable with someone, it feels like always being "on" in a way. Exhausting for someone like me.

Agreed. At our age, concerns are changing and our goals are shaping up to look very different. If I get into a relationship, it needs to be with someone who can accept my need for space and to develop myself/my career. Compatibility really is very hard to find and relationships rarely shape up to be what we imagine. Truly, nothing is perfect.

You've helped me a ton, thank you. I really appreciate having someone to talk to about what I think and finding that it's not so different on the other side has been weirdly consoling.

I'm happy to hear that my perspective has helped you too. You've sort of become my support buddy over the last 24-48 hours and it's been enormously helpful. I know it's tough for it to mean much given the medium and the context, but you've made a big difference in my life by talking things through with me. So, thank you.

February 24, 2016

Yeah, I guess it is true that a lot of us are kinda lazy . The fact that it's easy for us to get attention initially makes some of us think that we don't actually need to do any work. We don't mind being committed in itself, but I know lots of girls who just expect the guy to do everything because they have too many other priorities. And I'm sure you'll get lucky. It's hard for anyone to be lucky in terms of serious long-term relationship success in college. Easy to get laid, hard to build something lasting. I know I'm younger so it might not mean much, but I at least like to think it gets better.

It's funny, I used to be a huge introvert. My mom actually had to say "trick-or-treat" for me on Halloween because I was so painfully shy I could barely speak to anyone until I was 10 or 11. But now that's changed and while I still feel shy around new people, it hasn't actually stopped me from doing anything in years. I do still prefer familiarity though. Going to bars is hard because it's so loud and "happy" for lack of a better word, and it reminds you of the emptiness you feel. Oddly, what affects me the worst is going to department stores or the mall. Even though I was almost never there with my ex, it just kills me now. I get so sad. So I'm doing all my shopping online now lol.

You're very self-aware and it doesn't sound like you did anything to really disrespect your ex, so I wouldn't say you're bad at relationships. It's just that this is a turbulent time and your ex is a bit flighty. I obviously can't speak for the other girls, but it's easy to make mistakes when you're young and that's how you learn. You aren't going to be a pro right away and that's normal.

Finding contentment single is indeed hard. The urge to be with someone is always there to some degree, because that's just how we're made. But it's important, I think that we're at our emotional best when starting a new relationship.

I'm sure you'll find someone who respects your space and career. You seem like a very thoughtful guy who has his head on straight, and god knows we're all looking for people like that.

It is consoling to hear the other side, yeah. That way it feels less like there's this other team that's out to get you and make you feel sad, which is how it can sometimes seem after a breakup.

Again, I'm really happy to have been able to help you so much, and likewise. I'm happy to be and have a support buddy, even if it is in this setting. Sometimes the most meaningful things come from strangers, because they stand nothing to lose or gain from their interactions with you. So, this means a lot to me too and definitely improved my current mindset

February 24, 2016

EDIT: Ignore the post above this. For some reason it didn't post the first time I tried but then it actually did. Read this one instead.

Yeah, I guess it is true that a lot of us are kinda lazy . The fact that it's easy for us to get attention initially makes some of us think that we don't actually need to do any work. We don't mind being committed in itself, but I know lots of girls who just expect the guy to do everything because they have too many other priorities. And I'm sure you'll get lucky. It's hard for anyone to be lucky in terms of serious long-term relationship success in college. Easy to get laid, hard to build something lasting. I know I'm younger so it might not mean much, but I at least like to think it gets better.

I'm sure you'll do great! What kind of music do you play/like? Though I can't sing or play anything, I'd call myself a pretty big music fan. I love going to shows and I'm always digging for more stuff I might like.

It's funny, I used to be a huge introvert. My mom actually had to say "trick-or-treat" for me on Halloween because I was so painfully shy I could barely speak to anyone until I was 10 or 11. But now that's changed and while I still feel shy around new people, it hasn't actually stopped me from doing anything in years. I do still prefer familiarity though. Going to bars is hard because it's so loud and "happy" for lack of a better word, and it reminds you of the emptiness you feel. Oddly, what affects me the worst is going to department stores or the mall. Even though I was almost never there with my ex, it just kills me now. I get so sad. So I'm doing all my shopping online now lol.

You're very self-aware and it doesn't sound like you did anything to really disrespect your ex, so I wouldn't say you're bad at relationships. It's just that this is a turbulent time and your ex is a bit flighty. I obviously can't speak for the other girls, but it's easy to make mistakes when you're young and that's how you learn. You aren't going to be a pro right away and that's normal.

Finding contentment single is indeed hard. The urge to be with someone is always there to some degree, because that's just how we're made. But it's important, I think that we're at our emotional best when starting a new relationship.

I'm sure you'll find someone who respects your space and career. You seem like a very thoughtful guy who has his head on straight, and god knows we're all looking for people like that.

It is consoling to hear the other side, yeah. That way it feels less like there's this other team that's out to get you and make you feel sad, which is how it can sometimes seem after a breakup.

Again, I'm really happy to have been able to help you so much, and likewise. I'm happy to be and have a support buddy, even if it is in this setting. Sometimes the most meaningful things come from strangers, because they stand nothing to lose or gain from their interactions with you. So, this means a lot to me too and definitely improved my current mindset

Edited February 24, 2016 by Raina314

February 24, 2016

EDIT: Ignore the post above this. For some reason it didn't post the first time I tried but then it actually did. Read this one instead.

Yeah, I guess it is true that a lot of us are kinda lazy . The fact that it's easy for us to get attention initially makes some of us think that we don't actually need to do any work. We don't mind being committed in itself, but I know lots of girls who just expect the guy to do everything because they have too many other priorities. And I'm sure you'll get lucky. It's hard for anyone to be lucky in terms of serious long-term relationship success in college. Easy to get laid, hard to build something lasting. I know I'm younger so it might not mean much, but I at least like to think it gets better.

Is that really true? Haha, I want to shy away from believing that, but I think you might be right. It started feeling like she expected me to be everything, do everything, solve every problem that came up. The expectations for a guy are different than those for a woman, but still stressful (best friend, perfect lover, provider, etc.). I'm not disregarding your perspective because of your age. My aversion to younger women certainly doesn't extend to friendly advice.

I'm sure you'll do great! What kind of music do you play/like? Though I can't sing or play anything, I'd call myself a pretty big music fan. I love going to shows and I'm always digging for more stuff I might like.

Haha, sweet of you to say. I wish I felt that good about it! I do covers of songs by bands/artists like The Arctic Monkeys, Queens of the Stone Age, Stone Sour, Corey Taylor, Chris Cornell, etc. That's awesome! If you're not familiar with any of those artists you should check them out. What do you listen to?

It's funny, I used to be a huge introvert. My mom actually had to say "trick-or-treat" for me on Halloween because I was so painfully shy I could barely speak to anyone until I was 10 or 11. But now that's changed and while I still feel shy around new people, it hasn't actually stopped me from doing anything in years. I do still prefer familiarity though. Going to bars is hard because it's so loud and "happy" for lack of a better word, and it reminds you of the emptiness you feel. Oddly, what affects me the worst is going to department stores or the mall. Even though I was almost never there with my ex, it just kills me now. I get so sad. So I'm doing all my shopping online now lol.

It doesn't cripple me or anything. My job requires me to be very social so I'm good at it. I just love staying in with my girl, snuggling up, and making music or watching a movie. Being intellectual with someone I guess. It makes me happy. Haha, I guess it's different for everyone. But I can relate with how you feel at the mall. That happens to me in random places. Parks and the like mostly.

You're very self-aware and it doesn't sound like you did anything to really disrespect your ex, so I wouldn't say you're bad at relationships. It's just that this is a turbulent time and your ex is a bit flighty. I obviously can't speak for the other girls, but it's easy to make mistakes when you're young and that's how you learn. You aren't going to be a pro right away and that's normal.

Thank you, that's a big compliment coming from you. I guess it just feels that way sometimes. You sort of go back and doubt everything in the aftermath. That's really true though. She was extremely dodgy. You're right though. I need to be more patient with myself.

Finding contentment single is indeed hard. The urge to be with someone is always there to some degree, because that's just how we're made. But it's important, I think that we're at our emotional best when starting a new relationship.

You're absolutely right about that. I miss being with someone all the time, but I'm trying to shake that to focus on other things. It's getting easier to do and it really relieves the bad feelings. I agree with that. I really want to be at my best if/when there's a next time.

I'm sure you'll find someone who respects your space and career. You seem like a very thoughtful guy who has his head on straight, and god knows we're all looking for people like that.

Thank you...that's really nice of you to say. I hope that you're right. I'm kinda losing faith quickly.

It is consoling to hear the other side, yeah. That way it feels less like there's this other team that's out to get you and make you feel sad, which is how it can sometimes seem after a breakup.

Yeah. You've really helped me to see how a woman feels on the other side of things. It's been as painful as it's been confusing. I guess I don't really understand how she went from intense love and wanting to get married one day and then all of a sudden never wanting to speak again. It still blows my mind.

Again, I'm really happy to have been able to help you so much, and likewise. I'm happy to be and have a support buddy, even if it is in this setting. Sometimes the most meaningful things come from strangers, because they stand nothing to lose or gain from their interactions with you. So, this means a lot to me too and definitely improved my current mindset

Thank you again. I only wish I could do the same for you. I'm glad I've managed to help you even in the slightest. You're awesome and I'm sure someone will be falling in love with you again before you know it.

February 24, 2016

Is that really true? Haha, I want to shy away from believing that, but I think you might be right. It started feeling like she expected me to be everything, do everything, solve every problem that came up. The expectations for a guy are different than those for a woman, but still stressful (best friend, perfect lover, provider, etc.). I'm not disregarding your perspective because of your age. My aversion to younger women certainly doesn't extend to friendly advice.

It's totally true. Not for everyone, of course. There are many exceptions. But it is a flaw characteristic of girls/young women. Every girl wants and feels like they deserve a gentleman, but many of them (sometimes even with pride) will refuse to act like ladies. They like to be taken care of before they're really ready to take care of someone else, which is what really makes a relationship. And especially for attractive women, it's easy for them to find men who will spoil them to death and not hold them accountable the way they should. And once you get used to that it's hard to go back. It's easy to start assuming you can get people to do things for you, because even strangers will do you fairly big favors if you just smile and bat your eyelashes a lot of the time.

Haha, sweet of you to say. I wish I felt that good about it! I do covers of songs by bands/artists like The Arctic Monkeys, Queens of the Stone Age, Stone Sour, Corey Taylor, Chris Cornell, etc. That's awesome! If you're not familiar with any of those artists you should check them out. What do you listen to?

I know Arctic Monkeys and Queens of the Stone Age, yeah. But the others I haven't heard of. I will check them out! I like a lot of stuff. A lot of pop-punk, Yellowcard, The Starting Line, New Found Glory, some quieter indie stuff like Death Cab, and lately I've gotten really into post-rock too.

It doesn't cripple me or anything. My job requires me to be very social so I'm good at it. I just love staying in with my girl, snuggling up, and making music or watching a movie. Being intellectual with someone I guess. It makes me happy. Haha, I guess it's different for everyone. But I can relate with how you feel at the mall. That happens to me in random places. Parks and the like mostly.

Ugh, yeah, that description makes me so nostalgic. The intellectual aspect was kind of missing from my last relationship, even though we were both smart, intellectual kinds of people, oddly enough. My ex was always sorta distant when it came to communicating about anything deep or significant. He kept it fairly light, which I liked some of the time, but I really missed the depth that I've had with some other people. For some reason I still loved him the best though. That's funny, parks are one of the places I feel the most peaceful. Not playground sort of parks, but hiking trails and stuff.

Thank you, that's a big compliment coming from you. I guess it just feels that way sometimes. You sort of go back and doubt everything in the aftermath. That's really true though. She was extremely dodgy. You're right though. I need to be more patient with myself.

Yeah. Your ex can literally tell you "you were the best thing ever, it's all my fault, please don't blame yourself" and you'll still go back and doubt everything you ever did in the relationship that might have possibly pushed them away. It is important to be patient yourself, but I totally get how hard that is. I'm always going back and re-hashing what I might've done wrong.

Thank you...that's really nice of you to say. I hope that you're right. I'm kinda losing faith quickly.

Don't lose faith! 25 is still young, especially for guys since your biological clocks don't tick quite so loudly lol. Even if school isn't the place you want to be right now, still being there and working on another degree does give you a lot of opportunities to meet people.

Yeah. You've really helped me to see how a woman feels on the other side of things. It's been as painful as it's been confusing. I guess I don't really understand how she went from intense love and wanting to get married one day and then all of a sudden never wanting to speak again. It still blows my mind.

Yeah, again, I can totally relate. I think our situations are fairly similar at least in terms of timing. Mine was also around Halloween and then he said he needed time to think about it and came back and said he was done. But the whole hot-cold thing really does make your head explode. Mine was just telling me how he was going to introduce me to this other friend of his in a few weeks and had cooked me dinner for my birthday and then...bam. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you just can't make sense of people.

Thank you again. I only wish I could do the same for you. I'm glad I've managed to help you even in the slightest. You're awesome and I'm sure someone will be falling in love with you again before you know it.

You have . And likewise. I still wish this breakup had never happened for both of us, but I am glad we had the misfortune of posting on here at the same time. There's (usually) a silver lining to be found somewhere.

February 24, 2016

You have . And likewise. I still wish this breakup had never happened for both of us, but I am glad we had the misfortune of posting on here at the same time. There's (usually) a silver lining to be found somewhere.

I'm happy to hear that. I'm glad we shared in that misfortune too. I'm not sure I'd take back the break up though. I'm changing in some really big ways.

Life may not have any sort of inherent meaning, but we can certainly choose to give things meaning for ourselves.

Maybe that's what I want to write about here today. I'm thankful for everyone's responses to my thread. I hope no one minds if I just occasionally share my thoughts here. Just helps to write it out. Whether or not anyone chooses to listen/respond...I'm moving forward!

It's been about four days since I started thinking about my ex a lot again. I've had two dreams about her in that span of time and my mind is wandering back to her every minute of the day.

I get focused on other things for a little while, but then it's her all over again. We fell in love at work. She quit the job and I'm still here. At the time, she was a graduate student and I was a year out of grad school. I work at a university.

It's really strange getting older here. I'm a supervisor to a bunch of students who are just a year or two younger than me. As you can imagine, colleges are filled with pretty young women so it wasn't a huge surprise to me that I fell for somebody here.

I just didn't expect it to become so meaningful. At the time, I was out of my engagement and hurting. I was getting better and I was hurting for something, someone, to fix that. Nicole was all of that and more to me. Writing her name feels...honest. I hope that's okay.

After we broke up, I just haven't felt the same about the idea of meeting someone. I look around and, now and again, I think I might be interested in flirting or talking up a pretty girl. But when that happens...there's a pit in my stomach. I don't feel like I'm cheating, or anything like that. I just don't feel "right" anymore.

I'm getting older. Not old by anyone's standards, I suppose. But older. Something about that is unsettling to me. No biological clock or strong desire for anything in particular. It's the death of dreams that left the bruise. Feeling like I could see myself in a state of permanence with someone for the first time left me with a deep, dark, feeling of loss. I'm unsure I want to be open to feeling that again.

I think way too much for a dude, I know. I developed feelings with real depth for this person. I enjoyed her so much as a person and I guess, if I'm being honest with myself and whoever reads this, I feel as if I won't find that again. Common enough a feeling judging by these forums. It sounds like bullsh*t, but at least it's true to how I feel right now.

She is special. She is unique. She did make me feel unlike anyone ever has. Is simply being able to "move on" a substitute for that? I can do that. But will I think about this always? Are there moments or persons in a man's life that define what love is for them, forever? Maybe that idea isn't as far fetched. It has been 115 days.

In the end, she couldn't even reciprocate love anymore. A switch flipped off. Is that even love at all? My instincts tell me no.

I tell myself that it's just a rule: nature abhors a vacuum. It's as simple as that. Find peace in negative spaces. There's no artistry to this. Brute force. Head down, eyes up, move forward. Don't think.

And then of course I do. Why is love this ultimate, time sucking thing? Do I blame biology for running its course? I don't think that's it. Do I blame her for having been great? Do I blame myself for not knowing how to keep things together?

Who the hell knows. I don't have an answer for any of it. I'm hurting and I'm not up for band aid solutions. I don't like the idea of Tinder or one night stands, though I'm tempted out of sheer boredom and loneliness. Drinking intensifies the **** feelings.

Aside from music, I feel that most of me has unraveled. It's 8:45 AM and I'm writing a novel at work, on a forum, about my weird, uncomfortable, dude-feelings.

F*ck

February 24, 2016

I'm happy to hear that. I'm glad we shared in that misfortune too. I'm not sure I'd take back the break up though. I'm changing in some really big ways.

Life may not have any sort of inherent meaning, but we can certainly choose to give things meaning for ourselves.

Maybe that's what I want to write about here today. I'm thankful for everyone's responses to my thread. I hope no one minds if I just occasionally share my thoughts here. Just helps to write it out. Whether or not anyone chooses to listen/respond...I'm moving forward!

It's been about four days since I started thinking about my ex a lot again. I've had two dreams about her in that span of time and my mind is wandering back to her every minute of the day.

I get focused on other things for a little while, but then it's her all over again. We fell in love at work. She quit the job and I'm still here. At the time, she was a graduate student and I was a year out of grad school. I work at a university.

It's really strange getting older here. I'm a supervisor to a bunch of students who are just a year or two younger than me. As you can imagine, colleges are filled with pretty young women so it wasn't a huge surprise to me that I fell for somebody here.

I just didn't expect it to become so meaningful. At the time, I was out of my engagement and hurting. I was getting better and I was hurting for something, someone, to fix that. Nicole was all of that and more to me. Writing her name feels...honest. I hope that's okay.

After we broke up, I just haven't felt the same about the idea of meeting someone. I look around and, now and again, I think I might be interested in flirting or talking up a pretty girl. But when that happens...there's a pit in my stomach. I don't feel like I'm cheating, or anything like that. I just don't feel "right" anymore.

I'm getting older. Not old by anyone's standards, I suppose. But older. Something about that is unsettling to me. No biological clock or strong desire for anything in particular. It's the death of dreams that left the bruise. Feeling like I could see myself in a state of permanence with someone for the first time left me with a deep, dark, feeling of loss. I'm unsure I want to be open to feeling that again.

I think way too much for a dude, I know. I developed feelings with real depth for this person. I enjoyed her so much as a person and I guess, if I'm being honest with myself and whoever reads this, I feel as if I won't find that again. Common enough a feeling judging by these forums. It sounds like bullsh*t, but at least it's true to how I feel right now.

She is special. She is unique. She did make me feel unlike anyone ever has. Is simply being able to "move on" a substitute for that? I can do that. But will I think about this always? Are there moments or persons in a man's life that define what love is for them, forever? Maybe that idea isn't as far fetched. It has been 115 days.

In the end, she couldn't even reciprocate love anymore. A switch flipped off. Is that even love at all? My instincts tell me no.

I tell myself that it's just a rule: nature abhors a vacuum. It's as simple as that. Find peace in negative spaces. There's no artistry to this. Brute force. Head down, eyes up, move forward. Don't think.

And then of course I do. Why is love this ultimate, time sucking thing? Do I blame biology for running its course? I don't think that's it. Do I blame her for having been great? Do I blame myself for not knowing how to keep things together?

Who the hell knows. I don't have an answer for any of it. I'm hurting and I'm not up for band aid solutions. I don't like the idea of Tinder or one night stands, though I'm tempted out of sheer boredom and loneliness. Drinking intensifies the **** feelings.

Aside from music, I feel that most of me has unraveled. It's 8:45 AM and I'm writing a novel at work, on a forum, about my weird, uncomfortable, dude-feelings.

F*ck

You're literally me right now... I feel the same way about my situation.

February 24, 2016

I'm happy to hear that. I'm glad we shared in that misfortune too. I'm not sure I'd take back the break up though. I'm changing in some really big ways.

Knowing you wouldn't take back the breakup is a big step forward, I think. It means that even if it doesn't always feel like it, your capacity to reason has connected with your emotions.

After we broke up, I just haven't felt the same about the idea of meeting someone. I look around and, now and again, I think I might be interested in flirting or talking up a pretty girl. But when that happens...there's a pit in my stomach. I don't feel like I'm cheating, or anything like that. I just don't feel "right" anymore.

It is really, really hard to feel normal about the idea of flirting or chatting up another member of the opposite sex again. I feel the same way. Because you can't love anyone you just met the same way you loved your ex. That love had time to develop and grow, and these people just seem shallow in comparison. Not shallow as in vain or appearance-focused, but since your relationship was the thing in your life that seemed to have the most depth, everything else seems very dull in the aftermath. And it won't feel right to give other women that kind of attention for a while. I don't know when that stops.

I'm getting older. Not old by anyone's standards, I suppose. But older. Something about that is unsettling to me. No biological clock or strong desire for anything in particular. It's the death of dreams that left the bruise. Feeling like I could see myself in a state of permanence with someone for the first time left me with a deep, dark, feeling of loss. I'm unsure I want to be open to feeling that again.

I think way too much for a dude, I know. I developed feelings with real depth for this person. I enjoyed her so much as a person and I guess, if I'm being honest with myself and whoever reads this, I feel as if I won't find that again. Common enough a feeling judging by these forums. It sounds like bullsh*t, but at least it's true to how I feel right now.

She is special. She is unique. She did make me feel unlike anyone ever has. Is simply being able to "move on" a substitute for that? I can do that. But will I think about this always? Are there moments or persons in a man's life that define what love is for them, forever?Maybe that idea isn't as far fetched. It has been 115 days.

Losing a loved one, even if it's not to death, is definitely a great loss. The loss of the future you imagined is probably one of the hardest parts. For people who live in the moment, breakups aren't as hard. But for those of us who are always thinking about life and the future and what might come next, they're excruciating because we've lost not only what brought us joy and fulfillment in the present, but what we expected to continue getting that from in the future. And no one who's really committed makes "backup plans" while in the relationship, so when it ends it's hard not to feel like we've been left with nothing.

Getting older is also unsettling. I really struggle with comparing myself to other people my age, and even though only about half of them are in serious, successful relationships, I still feel like I'm behind and this is the time I should be in that spot too, and it feels wrong that I'm not anymore. When you first start college, the world is this big place full of new people and adventure and then when you're done and find that you're alone, you feel like that important thing that you were supposed to hold on to has passed you by and it's no longer the time for being young and bright eyed and meeting new people.

Being around people who are still in that phase of life probably reminds you of that subconsciously.

As for being afraid of never feeling like this again, and "what if this is the love that I'll never be able to forget/move past?" I've worried a lot about that too. Being on here can be scary sometimes because people post about still being hung up on someone after 2 years. I think it's certainly possible that this girl helped you define what love is for yourself. If you weren't sure what it was before, this is an experience that helped you figure that out. But it doesn't mean that she is love itself.

Whenever I feel like I'll never move on, I think about a story one of my friends told me. She was madly in love with this guy and did everything she could to support him. She cared for him with all her heart. And when he dumped her, she said she honestly believed that she would go join an abbey and live a life of celibacy because it seemed impossible to ever love anyone the way she'd loved this guy again. But now she's with someone new and is happy with him. She didn't forget the first guy existed and what she learned about the nature of love for him didn't just dissipate, but she did find happiness without him and is not mourning the loss of him from her life.

So even when you feel like you'll never have a shot like this again, just know that others have in fact felt the exact same way and you have just as good a chance as anyone, if not better, to find love again eventually.

In the end, she couldn't even reciprocate love anymore. A switch flipped off. Is that even love at all? My instincts tell me no.

I always struggle with this. Even though I know love when I feel it, I can't define it. I don't know if it disappears like flipping off a switch. But I don't think so. What disappears is passion and infatuation, but I think part of the definition of love is commitment and caring for someone more deeply than infatuation or passion. Love exists even when you don't feel those two things anymore, so if those things end and the person doesn't stay, I don't think it is love. That's not to say people in love can never break up, because there are other things that can end a relationship aside from the death of infatuation, but that's one cause.

That said, I don't know how to define love (as I mentioned) and maybe she did really love you. People are complicated and can make mistakes. Maybe its possible to be in love and not know it until later. But nothing trips me up like trying to figure out exactly what love is so I'm really in no position to answer that question.

My ex told me he never loved me and feels that he doesn't know if he's ever felt that way for anyone. It hurt a lot, but I know I loved him. Your ex deciding she didn't love you anymore didn't mean that the love you had for her wasn't real.

Aside from music, I feel that most of me has unraveled. It's 8:45 AM and I'm writing a novel at work, on a forum, about my weird, uncomfortable, dude-feelings.

Hey, at least you're at work though! That's an accomplishment. A lot of people on here have lost their jobs because they literally couldn't get out of bed after their breakups. So whenever I feel like a wreck, I just tell myself that at least it's not as bad as it could be, because I still have my job. I understand feeling unraveled though. I'm over here doing the same thing, but at least it's something that helps and it's better than sitting at your screen and hoping no one notices you're about to cry.

Edited February 24, 2016 by Raina314

February 24, 2016

You're literally me right now... I feel the same way about my situation.

I'm sorry to hear that you can relate to me so well. I'll take a look at your thread and respond to you there. Hopefully I can be of some help, because although we are similar, there are some big differences based on what I've seen.

Knowing you wouldn't take back the breakup is a big step forward, I think. It means that even if it doesn't always feel like it, your capacity to reason has connected with your emotions.

Thanks. I think you're right. Although it's not exactly a new thought for me. I've felt this for a while...it's still accompanied by that deep ache. I want that to go away, badly.

It is really, really hard to feel normal about the idea of flirting or chatting up another member of the opposite sex again. I feel the same way. Because you can't love anyone you just met the same way you loved your ex. That love had time to develop and grow, and these people just seem shallow in comparison. Not shallow as in vain or appearance-focused, but since your relationship was the thing in your life that seemed to have the most depth, everything else seems very dull in the aftermath. And it won't feel right to give other women that kind of attention for a while. I don't know when that stops.

Neither do I. I'm mostly afraid that it won't. I mentioned that I was engaged and managed to fall for Nicole pretty shortly after. I'm scared that I feel completely sick and unable to do anything like that this time around.

It's really messing with my perception of myself. Today in particular I feel really unattractive and sh*tty. It's screwing with my head. It isn't self-esteem, it's other-esteem. But it still matters.

Losing a loved one, even if it's not to death, is definitely a great loss. The loss of the future you imagined is probably one of the hardest parts. For people who live in the moment, breakups aren't as hard. But for those of us who are always thinking about life and the future and what might come next, they're excruciating because we've lost not only what brought us joy and fulfillment in the present, but what we expected to continue getting that from in the future. And no one who's really committed makes "backup plans" while in the relationship, so when it ends it's hard not to feel like we've been left with nothing.

This sums it up nicely. I just feel like it was all for nothing sometimes. The optimism only does so much for countering that idea/feeling. It's like fighting the current.

Getting older is also unsettling. I really struggle with comparing myself to other people my age, and even though only about half of them are in serious, successful relationships, I still feel like I'm behind and this is the time I should be in that spot too, and it feels wrong that I'm not anymore. When you first start college, the world is this big place full of new people and adventure and then when you're done and find that you're alone, you feel like that important thing that you were supposed to hold on to has passed you by and it's no longer the time for being young and bright eyed and meeting new people.

Being around people who are still in that phase of life probably reminds you of that subconsciously.

Holy sh*t this^^. I know I'm being a huge p*ssy, but that really stirred up some feelings for me. Yeah. I guess that's it. I don't feel bright and shiny and new and like I've got everything to look forward to. I feel beat up and really jaded by the prospect of what comes after this. It's been uphill for a while.

As for being afraid of never feeling like this again, and "what if this is the love that I'll never be able to forget/move past?" I've worried a lot about that too. Being on here can be scary sometimes because people post about still being hung up on someone after 2 years. I think it's certainly possible that this girl helped you define what love is for yourself. If you weren't sure what it was before, this is an experience that helped you figure that out. But it doesn't mean that she is love itself.

Yeah, that's my biggest fear. That two years from now I'll still be thinking of her. I'll still be single. I'll prove her dad right and not be somebody.

I suppose I believe that love in order to be love must be mutual. It is experienced in togetherness and cannot be erased by simple misunderstandings and difficulties. A gross oversimplification, I'm sure.

Whenever I feel like I'll never move on, I think about a story one of my friends told me. She was madly in love with this guy and did everything she could to support him. She cared for him with all her heart. And when he dumped her, she said she honestly believed that she would go join an abbey and live a life of celibacy because it seemed impossible to ever love anyone the way she'd loved this guy again. But now she's with someone new and is happy with him. She didn't forget the first guy existed and what she learned about the nature of love for him didn't just dissipate, but she did find happiness without him and is not mourning the loss of him from her life.

Thankfully, I'm not quite at that extreme just yet. I feel for your friend though and I'm happy that she was able to move on and feel that way again. I understand that it just becomes a part of us. I don't mean to sound naive when I discuss my feelings...I'm just riding this continuum of sadness, happiness, uncertainty, and pain. The words to describe the feelings are almost never clear.

So even when you feel like you'll never have a shot like this again, just know that others have in fact felt the exact same way and you have just as good a chance as anyone, if not better, to find love again eventually.

It's kind of you to say that. I'm having a really tough time believing that and believing in myself. I don't feel like myself at all. I don't feel attractive or successful or worthy anymore. It's really sh*tty.

I always struggle with this. Even though I know love when I feel it, I can't define it. I don't know if it disappears like flipping off a switch. But I don't think so. What disappears is passion and infatuation, but I think part of the definition of love is commitment and caring for someone more deeply than infatuation or passion. Love exists even when you don't feel those two things anymore, so if those things end and the person doesn't stay, I don't think it is love. That's not to say people in love can never break up, because there are other things that can end a relationship aside from the death of infatuation, but that's one cause.

That said, I don't know how to define love (as I mentioned) and maybe she did really love you. People are complicated and can make mistakes. Maybe its possible to be in love and not know it until later. But nothing trips me up like trying to figure out exactly what love is so I'm really in no position to answer that question.

My ex told me he never loved me and feels that he doesn't know if he's ever felt that way for anyone. It hurt a lot, but I know I loved him. Your ex deciding she didn't love you anymore didn't mean that the love you had for her wasn't real.

That's probably more accurate than my definition. Or perhaps a parallel? I don't know.

Maybe. It doesn't really feel like it anymore. Neither am I, but we try anyway. Right? . People are certainly complicated....

I'm very sorry that your ex said that to you. It's a rejection that runs deep and I can certainly empathize with. I'm sure he did love you and that to some degree, he's just too immature to talk about what he felt. You seem like a lovely person. It really is his loss.

Hey, at least you're at work though! That's an accomplishment. A lot of people on here have lost their jobs because they literally couldn't get out of bed after their breakups. So whenever I feel like a wreck, I just tell myself that at least it's not as bad as it could be, because I still have my job. I understand feeling unraveled though. I'm over here doing the same thing, but at least it's something that helps and it's better than sitting at your screen and hoping no one notices you're about to cry.

Ha, yeah. I suppose! I'm sick of my job, but it keeps food in my belly and a roof over my head. I couldn't let things slip that badly.

Yeah. I sort of feel like I want to today. I don't know what's got me so stirred up this week. I was feeling really solid. Your words sort of opened me up. I know how sappy that sounds, but man. Some truths just ring out hard and hit you where it hurts.

Edited February 24, 2016 by Mr. Disposable

February 24, 2016

Thanks. I think you're right. Although it's not exactly a new thought for me. I've felt this for a while...it's still accompanied by that deep ache. I want that to go away, badly.

Yeah. I always sort of imagined it as there being two happinesses and two sadnesses. You can be happy or sad on the surface, and happy or sad under the surface. On a good day, I'd consider myself happy on the surface but sad underneath. That ache you describe is what I think of as that under-the-surface sadness. Your surface mood changes all the time, but the deeper one is much more entrenched, especially when it's not happy.

Neither do I. I'm mostly afraid that it won't. I mentioned that I was engaged and managed to fall for Nicole pretty shortly after. I'm scared that I feel completely sick and unable to do anything like that this time around.

It's really messing with my perception of myself. Today in particular I feel really unattractive and sh*tty. It's screwing with my head. It isn't self-esteem, it's other-esteem. But it still matters

The first time feeling a certain way is terrifying for sure, because we rely on prior experience to know what we're capable of. If we haven't felt a certain way before, then we have no frame of reference to know we can overcome it.

But life isn't static, and nor are feelings. Right now your sadness is very intense. When you start a relationship, your happiness is very intense. But just the intense happiness that begins at the start of the relationship eventually fades and becomes something you don't think about all the time, even if the relationship does go well, so does intense sadness. We just aren't capable of feeling extremes forever, unless we have some inherent disorder. Once a feeling becomes "normal" and expected to us, it becomes more manageable and easier to work through and then other emotions begin to filter through again.

Even though you still feel bad, I know it's probably not as bad as the very first week. So there is progress. You just have to trust that it'll continue that way, even when there are pretty big setbacks. "Other-esteem" is an interesting way to put it, and I've been struggling with how to describe that feeling of unworthiness too. It's like, I'm conscious of my own value and if someone who wasn't my ex came up to me and challenged that in an insulting way, I'd be like "STFU, go away." But I don't feel worthy and that disconnect is really disorienting.

Holy sh*t this^^. I know I'm being a huge p*ssy, but that really stirred up some feelings for me. Yeah. I guess that's it. I don't feel bright and shiny and new and like I've got everything to look forward to. I feel beat up and really jaded by the prospect of what comes after this. It's been uphill for a while.

Lol, I don't think you're being a p*ssy. But I know it's different for guys. It totally makes sense. Life is much more routine once you're done with school and you feel like you're supposed to be set by now and it's super disappointing when you're not, or at least don't feel like you are.

Yeah, that's my biggest fear. That two years from now I'll still be thinking of her. I'll still be single. I'll prove her dad right and not be somebody.

I suppose I believe that love in order to be love must be mutual. It is experienced in togetherness and cannot be erased by simple misunderstandings and difficulties. A gross oversimplification, I'm sure.

I'm afraid of that too. What's really weird is that I simultaneously feel like I'll never want anyone else so dating is pointless and then also wonder how the hell I'm gonna meet new people and find someone else now that I work in an office full of people decades older than me. I read a bit of your other thread, and I don't know what more her dad expects. You have two degrees, you have a job that puts a roof over your head, you're in shape, and you even do music. Maybe you're not a neurosurgeon, but that doesn't mean you haven't made it and you're not "somebody." You have almost all of the pieces of the puzzle together. Right now you just need to work on this one issue. You're definitely somebody.

That makes sense. Perhaps real love can't be erased. But it is a very complex thing so I do believe it can be misunderstood.

Thankfully, I'm not quite at that extreme just yet. I feel for your friend though and I'm happy that she was able to move on and feel that way again. I understand that it just becomes a part of us. I don't mean to sound naive when I discuss my feelings...I'm just riding this continuum of sadness, happiness, uncertainty, and pain. The words to describe the feelings are almost never clear.

It doesn't sound naïve at all. It sounds very thought out and complex, but of course it's hard to put that myriad of feelings into words. The fact that communication of complex emotions is really hard is one of the very reasons relationships are difficult to maintain.

That's probably more accurate than my definition. Or perhaps a parallel? I don't know.

Maybe. It doesn't really feel like it anymore. Neither am I, but we try anyway. Right? . People are certainly complicated....

I'm very sorry that your ex said that to you. It's a rejection that runs deep and I can certainly empathize with. I'm sure he did love you and that to some degree, he's just too immature to talk about what he felt. You seem like a lovely person. It really is his loss.

Thank you. He said he didn't know how to process his emotions, and I think a lot of that is due to immaturity, but I may never know. The sad thing is I feel like while on one hand I showed him my best, on the other hand I feel like I never got a chance to show him how much I cared and how much I loved him because he never seemed to need me. He liked hanging out with me and we always had fun, but he never came to me when he was stressed or upset (if he ever was) and he never let me support him through anything but happiness, and I think getting through stressful times together is crucial to developing love.

Most of my friends and the other people I've dated say that the best thing about me is that I'm supportive, patient, and caring. If that's true, then I hardly got a chance to show him my best traits. He's the same way with his friends. He just never lets anyone in and I don't know if it's because there's nothing deeper there or if it's because his lack of understanding of his own emotions makes that too scary.

On one hand I do think it's his loss, yeah. But on the other hand I always doubt myself there because I think "if he doesn't feel sad, is it really a loss?"

Ha, yeah. I suppose! I'm sick of my job, but it keeps food in my belly and a roof over my head. I couldn't let things slip that badly.

Yeah. I sort of feel like I want to today. I don't know what's got me so stirred up this week. I was feeling really solid. Your words sort of opened me up. I know how sappy that sounds, but man. Some truths just ring out hard and hit you where it hurts.

Aw man, I'm sorry . I didn't mean to open any wounds. It's good you were feeling solid for a while though, that means that you are capable of getting there again. You'll fall back occasionally, but this sounds more like 2 steps forward, 1 step back than the other way around.

Edited February 24, 2016 by Raina314

February 24, 2016

Yeah. I always sort of imagined it as there being two happinesses and two sadnesses. You can be happy or sad on the surface, and happy or sad under the surface. On a good day, I'd consider myself happy on the surface but sad underneath. That ache you describe is what I think of as that under-the-surface sadness. Your surface mood changes all the time, but the deeper one is much more entrenched, especially when it's not happy.

You've summarized it perfectly here. Yeah, this is my daily emotional experience. It's tough wearing that face to get through the day to day.

The first time feeling a certain way is terrifying for sure, because we rely on prior experience to know what we're capable of. If we haven't felt a certain way before, then we have no frame of reference to know we can overcome it.

But life isn't static, and nor are feelings. Right now your sadness is very intense. When you start a relationship, your happiness is very intense. But just the intense happiness that begins at the start of the relationship eventually fades and becomes something you don't think about all the time, even if the relationship does go well, so does intense sadness. We just aren't capable of feeling extremes forever, unless we have some inherent disorder. Once a feeling becomes "normal" and expected to us, it becomes more manageable and easier to work through and then other emotions begin to filter through again.

I agree completely. I'm sure things will regulate with time. This type of sadness is just somewhat new to me. I'm struggling to feel out that difference.

Even though you still feel bad, I know it's probably not as bad as the very first week. So there is progress. You just have to trust that it'll continue that way, even when there are pretty big setbacks. "Other-esteem" is an interesting way to put it, and I've been struggling with how to describe that feeling of unworthiness too. It's like, I'm conscious of my own value and if someone who wasn't my ex came up to me and challenged that in an insulting way, I'd be like "STFU, go away." But I don't feel worthy and that disconnect is really disorienting.

Definitely not. I was in a really rough place for a few weeks. I couldn't get through a day without breaking down over it. I was hurting badly. I know what you mean, it's progress. It's just...I want to be further along. You know? I'm really hard on myself. I understand how you feel. I'd be pretty mistrusting of others' opinions as well. It f*cking sucks that there's no timeline to these things. I just thought that I'd be 100% better by now...

Lol, I don't think you're being a p*ssy. But I know it's different for guys. It totally makes sense. Life is much more routine once you're done with school and you feel like you're supposed to be set by now and it's super disappointing when you're not, or at least don't feel like you are.

Haha, well I'm relieved that you disagree because I sure as hell feel like one. Yeah, the monotony of life after school is not helping things at all. It's tough meeting new people. Not my strong suit. Yup. Disappointment sums it up nicely. It has really gotten mixed up in the nastiest way with the aftermath of the breakup...

I'm afraid of that too. What's really weird is that I simultaneously feel like I'll never want anyone else so dating is pointless and then also wonder how the hell I'm gonna meet new people and find someone else now that I work in an office full of people decades older than me. I read a bit of your other thread, and I don't know what more her dad expects. You have two degrees, you have a job that puts a roof over your head, you're in shape, and you even do music. Maybe you're not a neurosurgeon, but that doesn't mean you haven't made it and you're not "somebody." You have almost all of the pieces of the puzzle together. Right now you just need to work on this one issue. You're definitely somebody.

That makes sense. Perhaps real love can't be erased. But it is a very complex thing so I do believe it can be misunderstood.

Man, you really are the other side of the coin. I empathize with you completely. At my job, everyone is older than me. I can't get mixed up with students either. It's like I'm in limbo. It makes it impossible to make friends or meet new people to go out with.

Yeah...I'm not really sure what he wanted from me. He always acted as if though his daughter was perfect and no one was good enough for her. I encouraged her to go to graduate school. I helped her get in. I helped her get the "in" with the faculty in her department by coaching her and helping her to design the statistical procedures for her first major research project (and funded it out of pocket). When he offered to pay me back for it, I refused and told him that I was doing it because I love his daughter and that I just wanted to see her succeed.

Yet, despite my kindnesses toward her and her family, when things got rough between us, both of her parents encouraged her to break things off and stood between us. It really hurt me. I was over there all of the time. I got to know her folks and was very respectful toward them. I'd cook dinners for her family and was very supportive...

I'm at a loss as to what more I can do to be a good man that someone would want for their daughter. I'm not perfect, we fought and life got stressful. But the things that were causing the stress...I did for us.

Thank you for saying that. I feel like nobody lately.

It doesn't sound naïve at all. It sounds very thought out and complex, but of course it's hard to put that myriad of feelings into words. The fact that communication of complex emotions is really hard is one of the very reasons relationships are difficult to maintain.

Thank you. He said he didn't know how to process his emotions, and I think a lot of that is due to immaturity, but I may never know. The sad thing is I feel like while on one hand I showed him my best, on the other hand I feel like I never got a chance to show him how much I cared and how much I loved him because he never seemed to need me. He liked hanging out with me and we always had fun, but he never came to me when he was stressed or upset (if he ever was) and he never let me support him through anything but happiness, and I think getting through stressful times together is crucial to developing love.

Thank you. I really appreciate you understanding my perspective. Yeah, the strain of upkeep on a relationship can be enormous.

Most of my friends and the other people I've dated say that the best thing about me is that I'm supportive, patient, and caring. If that's true, then I hardly got a chance to show him my best traits. He's the same way with his friends. He just never lets anyone in and I don't know if it's because there's nothing deeper there or if it's because his lack of understanding of his own emotions makes that too scary.

I know I don't know you in real life. But based on your conduct on these forums, I'd agree with your friends/exs. You seem like a kind, thoughtful, intelligent, loving young woman who has a great head on her shoulders. If he didn't take the time to see your best traits, maybe he just wasn't equipped to bring that out in you. You really can't blame yourself.

Honestly, that says way more about him than it does about you. It's not your fault at all. I agree though, that cohesion needs to happen in order for love to thrive. All I know is that "why" isn't a productive question. It's always more about "what" we can do to move forward.

On one hand I do think it's his loss, yeah. But on the other hand I always doubt myself there because I think "if he doesn't feel sad, is it really a loss?"

It's definitely his loss. I've enjoyed talking to you quite a bit. You're not the average, by any means. Ignorance is bliss, Raina. Sometimes we're oblivious to what it is that we squander. Call it human, call it whatever...it's a loss.

Aw man, I'm sorry . I didn't mean to open any wounds. It's good you were feeling solid for a while though, that means that you are capable of getting there again. You'll fall back occasionally, but this sounds more like 2 steps forward, 1 step back than the other way around.

Don't apologize! I'm a bleeding heart to begin with. I could use some thicker skin. I'm sorry for being so pansy-ish about stuff, haha. You're right and hey, thank you so much for sticking through my posts with me. I wish I had a friend like you in real life because you've been great. You should feel awesome about who you are. Your ex is missing out.

Not coping well tonight. [updated]

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