Not coping well tonight. [updated]

[Mr. Disposable]

Thanks, Raina . I hope you're doing well too.

[Raina314]

You're welcome. I'm doing alright, hanging in there and all.

[Mr. Disposable]

Happy to hear it. Funny how things can change so rapidly, eh?

 

What's keeping you sane these days? I could use a dose of whatever it is lol.

[Raina314]

Lol. I don't even know, its really inconsistent and when I do feel better I never know if it's because of some hormonal shift or because of something I actually did. But I had a breakup movie binge on Saturday and I think that might possibly have helped me get unstuck from the hell I was in last week.

I'm also house/condo hunting and found one that seems almost perfect, so that got me a little excited. I've never felt so nervous about happiness though, just knowing how fleeting it is these days. I really hope I get that place.

[Mr. Disposable]

It sounds like you're getting better and learning to find things to live for that are just about you. That's awesome! You should be so proud of yourself. That's a huge accomplishment. I'm sure you'll get it! You deserve it, for sure.

 

I'm on a shuttle on my way home. Just got through a long day, but I managed to laugh a bit before it ended. I hate this feeling that I need someone. It feels so desperate. I'm just hurting and I miss that female presence in my life.

[Raina314]

Yeah, I guess TV/movies are the easiest thing I can do that are just for me. I get really attached to characters so it kinda lets me live vicariously through them in a less painful way.

And I've been kinda planning this move for it for like, a year or so but now I'm actually doing it, so thanks! I've saved for years.

 

I'm glad you got through the day okay. Some days that really is all you can handle, and that's fine. I hate the desperate feeling too, it always makes me feel so icky. It's entirely normal for us to miss the opposite sex's presence though. I've always believed that men and women were made to supplement each other and work as a team to fill in the gaps where each of us are respectively lacking. That's partially why it feels like losing a limb, I think. Except limbs can't grow back, and love can. But of course, that doesn't mean it doesn't completely suck to lose it. There's just nothing like the feeling of knowing you have someone waiting for you and losing it makes you feel so lost. I have days where I feel like an abandoned kitten or something.

[Raina314]

I went to look at the place today and it didn't quite live up to the pictures and it had a few issues so I'm not sure I want to put an offer down or not, but if I don't move on it soon it'll probably be snapped up.

 

Also going to see it really brought home the fact that I'm moving out (I still live at home since I just finished undergrad last year) and it kind of made me feel a bit panicked since change has always been hard for me and there's already been so much of it lately. I know this is good change, but it's a big step and I guess I just got a little intimidated, especially knowing that I'll be living completely alone for the first time.

 

So while I've been having a good week overall, this kinda knocked me back a bit and I definitely lost some confidence again today. I just wanna curl up in a ball and not come out to talk to anyone :/.

[kat2008]

Raina, it is a big step, and if you're unsure then there is no point rushing it. I would dearly love to move out of my home - having to share it with the ex is going to take courage I am not sure I have - but I would not move out if I wasn't sure it was going to be the best place for me.

 

Way back when, after my first serious break-up, I found a flat which was perfect for me and I am so glad I waited to find it. I always felt safe and secure there and although I worried about living alone and paying bills, it was such an exciting time and I got through it. It was empowering. I used to look around and be so proud that I had bought everything myself.

 

I am looking forward to doing it again when I have the strength (and the money!) it's one small way I am trying to keep positive.

 

I wish you luck!!

[Mr. Disposable]

I went to look at the place today and it didn't quite live up to the pictures and it had a few issues so I'm not sure I want to put an offer down or not, but if I don't move on it soon it'll probably be snapped up.

 

Also going to see it really brought home the fact that I'm moving out (I still live at home since I just finished undergrad last year) and it kind of made me feel a bit panicked since change has always been hard for me and there's already been so much of it lately. I know this is good change, but it's a big step and I guess I just got a little intimidated, especially knowing that I'll be living completely alone for the first time.

 

So while I've been having a good week overall, this kinda knocked me back a bit and I definitely lost some confidence again today. I just wanna curl up in a ball and not come out to talk to anyone :/.

 

Don't feel bad. We all get knocked down sometimes by the things that make us happy.

 

Rushing to make big changes right now may not be the wisest move! Especially not if everything is hitting you as hard as you say. Take it slow and make sure that whichever home you do end up buying is the right one for your future.

 

Being alone for the first time is a huge change. I'm glad that your week is going well and if you need to curl up into a ball and be alone, do it! You have the right and it's completely healthy. There's nothing for you to feel bad about.

 

Remember: there's no timeline. We just do the best we can with where we're at. Things are going to get better for you. Stay strong.

[Raina314]

Raina, it is a big step, and if you're unsure then there is no point rushing it. I would dearly love to move out of my home - having to share it with the ex is going to take courage I am not sure I have - but I would not move out if I wasn't sure it was going to be the best place for me.

 

Way back when, after my first serious break-up, I found a flat which was perfect for me and I am so glad I waited to find it. I always felt safe and secure there and although I worried about living alone and paying bills, it was such an exciting time and I got through it. It was empowering. I used to look around and be so proud that I had bought everything myself.

 

I am looking forward to doing it again when I have the strength (and the money!) it's one small way I am trying to keep positive.

 

I wish you luck!!

 

Thank you . It is a big step and you're right that I shouldn't rush. It's just hard not to feel like I have to when this place is still a pretty good deal cost/location/size wise and I don't know when an opportunity like that'll come around again. I've been dancing around the idea of moving out for about a year now and all the pieces are in place financially and everything, so I just feel like it's the "right" thing to do.

 

During this breakup, that's been one of the things that's kept me focused and gave me some direction and "light at the end of the tunnel." The knowledge that I could theoretically do it was empowering and I feel like it's the last step in my journey to be coming a fully self-sufficient person.

 

Don't feel bad. We all get knocked down sometimes by the things that make us happy.

 

Rushing to make big changes right now may not be the wisest move! Especially not if everything is hitting you as hard as you say. Take it slow and make sure that whichever home you do end up buying is the right one for your future.

 

Being alone for the first time is a huge change. I'm glad that your week is going well and if you need to curl up into a ball and be alone, do it! You have the right and it's completely healthy. There's nothing for you to feel bad about.

 

Remember: there's no timeline. We just do the best we can with where we're at. Things are going to get better for you. Stay strong.

 

I've thought that, yeah. But it's also hard for me to know whether I'm kinda panicked because now's not the best time for big change or because that's what I always do when I'm faced with big change, even if the timing is perfect and the change makes perfect sense.

 

Whenever I do anything that alters my life in a big way - studying abroad, getting into a new relationship, starting a new job, I always freak out and doubt my decision because I just get so stressed out about change and never know if I can handle it until I do it. I like familiarity. So I've learned that I just have to do things sometimes, regardless of my feelings, otherwise I'd never make any progress, and then let my emotions catch up later. They eventually do, usually quicker than expected, but it's always been a hurdle for me.

 

I'm inclined to think this is one of those things that I just have to do, because I think I'd panic even if I made this move like, five years down the road and for the past few months, it's been one of the few things that's given me hope and gotten me excited about living again. But I'm just not sure, because you're right, I am still recovering from another big change. I just hesitate with that because I know myself and I know I'll never be totally sure until after the deal is done and I've had time to settle in.

 

How are you though? How's your week been?

[Raina314]

Also, I was doing really well this week not thinking/caring about my ex and finally feeling like my own person again, but then I talked to my best friend (who is also a mutual friend of my ex's) and he just mentioned that my ex was never the same after his first breakup and it appeared that he didn't put as much effort into me as he did with his first gf. And hearing that just brought all the rejected, hurt feelings back and I started crying in the middle of the park I was sitting in for lunch.

I know it doesn't matter anymore and he broke up with me and it's over so it doesn't matter why and whatever he felt for his ex is not my problem in any capacity. But for some reason hearing that just made me feel really raw and upset again. I was doing so well too

[Mr. Disposable]

I've thought that, yeah. But it's also hard for me to know whether I'm kinda panicked because now's not the best time for big change or because that's what I always do when I'm faced with big change, even if the timing is perfect and the change makes perfect sense.

 

Whenever I do anything that alters my life in a big way - studying abroad, getting into a new relationship, starting a new job, I always freak out and doubt my decision because I just get so stressed out about change and never know if I can handle it until I do it. I like familiarity. So I've learned that I just have to do things sometimes, regardless of my feelings, otherwise I'd never make any progress, and then let my emotions catch up later. They eventually do, usually quicker than expected, but it's always been a hurdle for me.

 

I'm inclined to think this is one of those things that I just have to do, because I think I'd panic even if I made this move like, five years down the road and for the past few months, it's been one of the few things that's given me hope and gotten me excited about living again. But I'm just not sure, because you're right, I am still recovering from another big change. I just hesitate with that because I know myself and I know I'll never be totally sure until after the deal is done and I've had time to settle in.

 

I think that you're demanding a bit too much of yourself. Allow me to elaborate.

 

It is unfair to create expectations of others, right? We don't expect others to behave a certain way around us or to perform certain functions for our good. If/when we make the mistake of having expectations, they're typically doomed to fail and place undue pressure on the people in our lives. When we love and care about someone, we abstain from doing so and for good reason.

 

Why treat yourself any differently? It's brutally cruel to sit there and design standards and expectations for yourself that are founded in nothing. What good does it do to use qualifiers like "should" and "right"? There are no shoulds or wrongs or rights that are going to absolve you of your feelings. Deep down, you don't want to be absolved because the alternative is so much worse. You're on the path to growth and all of this dissonance that you're going through right now is propelling you in the direction you want to go.

 

Don't lose hope. You'll make these choices when the time is right. Free yourself from the weight of your own expectations and you'll see what you're capable of.

 

How are you though? How's your week been?

 

I'm okay. I feel pretty crappy today (allergies are awful!). Been keeping crazy busy and setting up goals for myself left and right. I've been singing so much (and my allergies are so bad) that my throat was hurting yesterday and I had to stop and slow down.

 

Sad that I couldn't turn to my go-to, I broke and looked at my ex's Instagram yesterday. I can't see any photos or anything, but just knowing that there's new posts and people she's following/followers on her page makes me feel shi*ty. She's out there, fine and dandy without me.

 

I wound up staying out until 4 am with some friends to cope and skipped work today. I was on a bit of a destructive path until I started focusing on a certification that I want to get to improve my chances of finding a career, so I've been studying to get my CCNA and I've been productive in my "down time".

 

I'm a lonely mess seeking desperately for a way to grab hold of something better. Thank you for asking .

 

Also, I was doing really well this week not thinking/caring about my ex and finally feeling like my own person again, but then I talked to my best friend (who is also a mutual friend of my ex's) and he just mentioned that my ex was never the same after his first breakup and it appeared that he didn't put as much effort into me as he did with his first gf. And hearing that just brought all the rejected, hurt feelings back and I started crying in the middle of the park I was sitting in for lunch.

I know it doesn't matter anymore and he broke up with me and it's over so it doesn't matter why and whatever he felt for his ex is not my problem in any capacity. But for some reason hearing that just made me feel really raw and upset again. I was doing so well too

 

That's a crappy thing for a friend to point out. Maybe he meant well, but since it didn't help let's just say...f*ck that for a minute.

 

Remember something for me: when someone breaks up with you or rejects you, it says more about them than it does about you.

 

A lot of people are perfectly awesome before someone comes along, steps into their life, and decides they're not who they want to be with. The solace here is found in the fact that they're still perfectly awesome and will continue being so until they find Mr. or Mrs. right.

 

I don't want to tell you it doesn't matter anymore because to you, at this very moment, it seems to. Otherwise it wouldn't be upsetting. And really, who gives a sh*t?!?! You're entitled to care if you need/want to! You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Feel it out. It's fine.

 

When you're done being sad though, please remember that you're an awesome chick who is smart, beautiful, insightful, fun, and really sweet! Any guy would be lucky to have you, but right now, you're just not ready to be had. It's all good.

 

The day will come, just breathe, hold your head up, and reserve some of that sweetness for yourself. Let this sh*t pass and then do something nice for you. Treat yourself.

 

You're going to make it through this week. I promise. Hang tough .

[Raina314]

I think that you're demanding a bit too much of yourself. Allow me to elaborate.

 

It is unfair to create expectations of others, right? We don't expect others to behave a certain way around us or to perform certain functions for our good. If/when we make the mistake of having expectations, they're typically doomed to fail and place undue pressure on the people in our lives. When we love and care about someone, we abstain from doing so and for good reason.

 

Why treat yourself any differently? It's brutally cruel to sit there and design standards and expectations for yourself that are founded in nothing. What good does it do to use qualifiers like "should" and "right"? There are no shoulds or wrongs or rights that are going to absolve you of your feelings. Deep down, you don't want to be absolved because the alternative is so much worse. You're on the path to growth and all of this dissonance that you're going through right now is propelling you in the direction you want to go.

 

Don't lose hope. You'll make these choices when the time is right. Free yourself from the weight of your own expectations and you'll see what you're capable of.

 

You're right that I do hold myself to pretty high standards. A lot of people have told me they're too high, and there's a lot of truth to that. I tend to forgive other people for a lot more than I forgive myself.

 

I guess I really try to marry my emotions to logic as much as possible because logic is stable and predictable while emotions aren't. But like with everything, it is a balance.

 

I was looking around more this evening and decided to look at places closer to where I live now as opposed to closer to where I work. What puts me most on edge about leaving home is missing my family and not having that support system immediately available, and I felt a lot better about getting a place just the next town over or something. That way I can start being more independent but also come back if I feel lonely or need help. Moving out seems much less scary than moving away. But I'll take it more slowly. There's no rush, I just tend to build that pressure for myself.

 

 

I'm okay. I feel pretty crappy today (allergies are awful!). Been keeping crazy busy and setting up goals for myself left and right. I've been singing so much (and my allergies are so bad) that my throat was hurting yesterday and I had to stop and slow down.

 

Sad that I couldn't turn to my go-to, I broke and looked at my ex's Instagram yesterday. I can't see any photos or anything, but just knowing that there's new posts and people she's following/followers on her page makes me feel shi*ty. She's out there, fine and dandy without me.

 

I wound up staying out until 4 am with some friends to cope and skipped work today. I was on a bit of a destructive path until I started focusing on a certification that I want to get to improve my chances of finding a career, so I've been studying to get my CCNA and I've been productive in my "down time".

 

I'm a lonely mess seeking desperately for a way to grab hold of something better. Thank you for asking .

 

Aw nooo allergies suck . I'm sorry about your voice. I'm sure it'll come back. Drink lots of tea.

 

I don't blame you for looking. I probably would too if my ex ever used his social media accounts, but I guess I'm lucky in that he almost never gets on to anything but LoL, which I don't play. I know it hurts to know that they're just out there living their lives feeling fine though. It sucks. But she might not always be as fine as she lets on. When I broke up with my other ex, I still felt sad for months even though I was the dumper, because it just felt bad to come out of a place where there was a lot of good, real love. Even if she doesn't show it, there's a loss and I'm sure she felt/feels it to some degree.

 

Good luck with your CCNA! I'm sure there's lots of work to be found with that and a new job is probably good for you considering this job's connection with your ex. That's a good place to start.

 

I think that last paragraph describes most of us on here pretty well lol. Not a fun time, but at least you're not alone.

 

That's a crappy thing for a friend to point out. Maybe he meant well, but since it didn't help let's just say...f*ck that for a minute.

 

Remember something for me: when someone breaks up with you or rejects you, it says more about them than it does about you.

 

A lot of people are perfectly awesome before someone comes along, steps into their life, and decides they're not who they want to be with. The solace here is found in the fact that they're still perfectly awesome and will continue being so until they find Mr. or Mrs. right.

 

I don't want to tell you it doesn't matter anymore because to you, at this very moment, it seems to. Otherwise it wouldn't be upsetting. And really, who gives a sh*t?!?! You're entitled to care if you need/want to! You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Feel it out. It's fine.

 

When you're done being sad though, please remember that you're an awesome chick who is smart, beautiful, insightful, fun, and really sweet! Any guy would be lucky to have you, but right now, you're just not ready to be had. It's all good.

 

The day will come, just breathe, hold your head up, and reserve some of that sweetness for yourself. Let this sh*t pass and then do something nice for you. Treat yourself.

 

You're going to make it through this week. I promise. Hang tough .

 

He probably just wasn't thinking. He knew that earlier on, I was just desperate for answers so I was hungry to hear every little possible theory/explanation and probably thought that I still want to know more if there's more to know. But yeah, didn't need it this time x(. A while ago I said I seem to have to get over him one memory at a time, and every time a new memory concerning him is created or I find out something about him I didn't know before, it's another setback.

 

I will do my best to remember that. I really can be my own worst enemy sometimes. It's definitely real hard to feel like I'm awesome when this is such a powerful downward pull, but I'm doing my best to keep my head up.

 

And thanks for understanding that. A lot of people roaming the internet (who I know often mean perfectly well) are pretty adamant that you just have to stop caring what your ex thinks the second they stop caring about what you think. While that would be great and it is the ultimate goal, it's just not always possible right away and I appreciate that you get that it's not always just that easy to turn off the "caring" switch.

 

Aw, thanks . You're very sweet yourself. This week is almost over, so we've almost made it. And spring is coming. I know that probably doesn't bring the same joy in AZ as it does here, but in a way it is kind of a new beginning

[Mr. Disposable]

You're right that I do hold myself to pretty high standards. A lot of people have told me they're too high, and there's a lot of truth to that. I tend to forgive other people for a lot more than I forgive myself.

 

I guess I really try to marry my emotions to logic as much as possible because logic is stable and predictable while emotions aren't. But like with everything, it is a balance.

 

They really can't be married, hard though we try. Bayesian Inference in statistics tells us that people are not logical decision makers. It's an unfortunate truth, but the sooner we face the fact that we're naturally emotional beings, the better off we'll be.

 

I was looking around more this evening and decided to look at places closer to where I live now as opposed to closer to where I work. What puts me most on edge about leaving home is missing my family and not having that support system immediately available, and I felt a lot better about getting a place just the next town over or something. That way I can start being more independent but also come back if I feel lonely or need help. Moving out seems much less scary than moving away. But I'll take it more slowly. There's no rush, I just tend to build that pressure for myself.

 

That sounds like a good strategy. A totally understandable fear. Loneliness and a lack of access to a social support network are two fears we all share in common. Take your time and pick whatever puts you at ease. Trust yourself to make the right decisions. It's a stressful time, but you should have confidence in yourself and the choices that you make.

 

 

Aw nooo allergies suck . I'm sorry about your voice. I'm sure it'll come back. Drink lots of tea.

 

I don't blame you for looking. I probably would too if my ex ever used his social media accounts, but I guess I'm lucky in that he almost never gets on to anything but LoL, which I don't play. I know it hurts to know that they're just out there living their lives feeling fine though. It sucks. But she might not always be as fine as she lets on. When I broke up with my other ex, I still felt sad for months even though I was the dumper, because it just felt bad to come out of a place where there was a lot of good, real love. Even if she doesn't show it, there's a loss and I'm sure she felt/feels it to some degree.

 

I did and it's been helping! Thank you. It's coming back (in time for Saturday I hope).

 

Thanks for understanding...she's kept everything very secretive and private on social media ever since she had a falling out with her best friends a while back. The hiding isn't for my benefit, although I'm kind of glad. Just the little bits of information I can see are driving me mad.

 

I'm not so sure about that. I feel like we loved each other deeply and for my end of things, I was never disrespectful and didn't cross any boundaries seeking her out post break-up. I tried my best to work things out. It just wasn't enough or not what she wanted. I dunno. I didn't/don't really understand it to be honest. She just said things were too stressful, stopped saying that she loved me, and insisted the break up had nothing to do with love.

 

Nothing to do with love.

 

That phrase still kills me whenever I think about it. Thank you very much for saying that but I'm sure she's long since moved on. She's a talented, intelligent, beautiful, Type-A, type. I'd be shocked if she wasn't already on to the next thing and that's not the case, I'm sure the next thing is certainly on to her.

 

Still...I thank you for trying to console me with your words. It's been a very hard day/week for me so far.

 

Good luck with your CCNA! I'm sure there's lots of work to be found with that and a new job is probably good for you considering this job's connection with your ex. That's a good place to start.

 

I think that last paragraph describes most of us on here pretty well lol. Not a fun time, but at least you're not alone.

 

Thank you! I'm having trouble staying focused today. I sure hope so. I need the change badly. Abstaining from other distractions is wearing on me a bit.

 

Ha, I suppose it does. Thanks, I'm just feeling pretty alone.

 

He probably just wasn't thinking. He knew that earlier on, I was just desperate for answers so I was hungry to hear every little possible theory/explanation and probably thought that I still want to know more if there's more to know. But yeah, didn't need it this time x(. A while ago I said I seem to have to get over him one memory at a time, and every time a new memory concerning him is created or I find out something about him I didn't know before, it's another setback.

 

I'm sure you're right. It's okay. Sometimes we feel we should know better than to do this or say that, but we do it anyway. We're human. Maybe a setback isn't the kindest way to see it. Think of it as a lesson that helps you move forward. Failure helps us learn.

 

I will do my best to remember that. I really can be my own worst enemy sometimes. It's definitely real hard to feel like I'm awesome when this is such a powerful downward pull, but I'm doing my best to keep my head up.

 

I know you are. Thanks for taking my words/advice under consideration. I know that you're doing everything you can to stay strong and I admire you for it.

 

And thanks for understanding that. A lot of people roaming the internet (who I know often mean perfectly well) are pretty adamant that you just have to stop caring what your ex thinks the second they stop caring about what you think. While that would be great and it is the ultimate goal, it's just not always possible right away and I appreciate that you get that it's not always just that easy to turn off the "caring" switch.

 

Yeah, of course. I know how it goes. Everyone has a different approach to getting through this stuff. It'll fade for us over time.

 

I don't know how to think to the future since my exs always seem to show up again, but for me it has always faded.

 

Aw, thanks . You're very sweet yourself. This week is almost over, so we've almost made it. And spring is coming. I know that probably doesn't bring the same joy in AZ as it does here, but in a way it is kind of a new beginning

 

Thanks . Yeah, you're right it's almost over.

 

No it certainly doesn't bring joy for me. In Arizona, Spring is the season of the yellow death:

 

That tree is my mortal enemy. And it's everywhere .

 

Haha, but thank you. Apart from dying a pollen based death, I will try my best to just breathe through the hurt. I really suck at break ups and I'm stupidly frustrated with myself for being so stuck on this person.

[Raina314]

They really can't be married, hard though we try. Bayesian Inference in statistics tells us that people are not logical decision makers. It's an unfortunate truth, but the sooner we face the fact that we're naturally emotional beings, the better off we'll be.

 

Yeah, I know that's true. And I'm actually a pretty emotional person when it comes down to it. I just have a hard time trusting my emotions, I suppose. One of the other guys I dated used to call me Spock and would always tease me about it lol.

That sounds like a good strategy. A totally understandable fear. Loneliness and a lack of access to a social support network are two fears we all share in common. Take your time and pick whatever puts you at ease. Trust yourself to make the right decisions. It's a stressful time, but you should have confidence in yourself and the choices that you make.

 

Yeah, I've started depending even more heavily on my family lately because the rest of my social life has also taken a pretty significant downturn over this past year. It's kind of embarrassing, but I don't think I've relied on my mom this much since I was little.

Aw nooo allergies suck . I'm sorry about your voice. I'm sure it'll come back. Drink lots of tea.

 

I don't blame you for looking. I probably would too if my ex ever used his social media accounts, but I guess I'm lucky in that he almost never gets on to anything but LoL, which I don't play. I know it hurts to know that they're just out there living their lives feeling fine though. It sucks. But she might not always be as fine as she lets on. When I broke up with my other ex, I still felt sad for months even though I was the dumper, because it just felt bad to come out of a place where there was a lot of good, real love. Even if she doesn't show it, there's a loss and I'm sure she felt/feels it to some degree.

 

I did and it's been helping! Thank you. It's coming back (in time for Saturday I hope).

 

Thanks for understanding...she's kept everything very secretive and private on social media ever since she had a falling out with her best friends a while back. The hiding isn't for my benefit, although I'm kind of glad. Just the little bits of information I can see are driving me mad.

 

I'm not so sure about that. I feel like we loved each other deeply and for my end of things, I was never disrespectful and didn't cross any boundaries seeking her out post break-up. I tried my best to work things out. It just wasn't enough or not what she wanted. I dunno. I didn't/don't really understand it to be honest. She just said things were too stressful, stopped saying that she loved me, and insisted the break up had nothing to do with love.

 

Nothing to do with love.

 

That phrase still kills me whenever I think about it. Thank you very much for saying that but I'm sure she's long since moved on. She's a talented, intelligent, beautiful, Type-A, type. I'd be shocked if she wasn't already on to the next thing and that's not the case, I'm sure the next thing is certainly on to her.

 

Still...I thank you for trying to console me with your words. It's been a very hard day/week for me so far.

 

I hope so too! Are you going out to sing on Saturday?

 

Those little "sneak peek" snippets really have a way of getting to your head, yeah. You can't help wanting to know more but you also know you shouldn't.

 

Sometimes people do things that really make no sense. I know that's an extremely vague platitude and isn't terribly helpful, but it really does seem like she just freaked out/got cold feet for whatever reason and ran away. From what you've said about her, she seems to be sort of an impulsive type. So just know (like you told me) that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. You already know yourself, and maybe even her, way better than she does.

 

Just know that when she said it had nothing to do with love it doesn't mean that the love you did originally share wasn't real. She probably just doesn't have a clear idea of what love is. Still, I know exactly how painful that is to hear. It's really one of the worst things you can say to a person and it takes a ton of strength to pick up the pieces after being on the receiving end of it. The fact that you're doing the absolute best you possibly can to move on constructively says a lot about your resilience and willpower.

And you're welcome. I definitely feel that. But also remember that just because she has all that stuff going for her doesn't mean she's perfect or that her life will be better or happier than yours. It sounds like she has a lot of stuff to work through. I'm not saying that to encourage that you wish her ill, but just to remind you that it's easy to imagine someone's life as perfect when our own feels so gray and miserable, but that doesn't mean they are.

 

Thank you! I'm having trouble staying focused today. I sure hope so. I need the change badly. Abstaining from other distractions is wearing on me a bit.

 

Ha, I suppose it does. Thanks, I'm just feeling pretty alone.

 

You and me both. I definitely think a new job will help, I know that for me I actually feel slightly better when I'm at work most of the time so hopefully with a new job you'll also gain a new place of "refuge" for lack of a better word.

 

If "other distractions" means what I think it means, I feel you there too. I hate that my original source of ultimate pleasure is now my the one of the most pain instead. It's brutal.

 

I know you are. Thanks for taking my words/advice under consideration. I know that you're doing everything you can to stay strong and I admire you for it.

 

Thanks. As I'm sure you know, it just gets really exhausting when there's no immediate reward for strength. It's like constantly running a marathon without a finish line or the knowledge that you'll be able to have some water at the end.

Yeah, of course. I know how it goes. Everyone has a different approach to getting through this stuff. It'll fade for us over time.

 

I don't know how to think to the future since my exs always seem to show up again, but for me it has always faded.

 

^THIS. I think I said this in another thread too, but my exes always show up again and I hate to admit it to myself because it's so counter-productive, but that fact makes it hard for me to totally kill the hope that this one will come back. I really do try my hardest to accept that he's gone and shut him away in my head, but there's this stupid little glowing ember of hope that I have a hard time extinguishing and I'm really ashamed of it because it makes me feel really vain and presumptuous. I just have to keep telling myself that this one is different because my other exes loved me and he's the only one to have told me to my face that he never did, so he won't come back.

 

It's just hard for me to think to the future and know he won't ever be there again, like you said. But you still have a good point that it can fade anyways. With time everything does. We just have to hang onto that knowledge.

 

Thanks . Yeah, you're right it's almost over.

No it certainly doesn't bring joy for me. In Arizona, Spring is the season of the yellow death:

 

That tree is my mortal enemy. And it's everywhere .

 

Haha, but thank you. Apart from dying a pollen based death, I will try my best to just breathe through the hurt. I really suck at break ups and I'm stupidly frustrated with myself for being so stuck on this person.

 

Lol. I used to have really bad allergies when I was little, but they magically disappeared when I hit puberty for some reason. Thank god. I'm sorry you're still suffering T_T.

 

I don't think any of us are really good at handling breakups. In my mind, if you're not getting worse and hurting yourself, you're doing well. I know that sounds kinda cynical, but they're just incredibly destructive events, as we can see just by looking around these forums. Having a terrible time handling them is totally normal.

[Mr. Disposable]

They all sorta look like her. The actress from Daredevil. The random girl on the street. Every face, its you.

 

What is this? Some bullsh*t extension of trauma? Why now? Why months later is this hitting me so hard out of nowhere. I haven't heard a peep from you since November. But you're in my head every second.

 

I'm slipping a bit. Not sleeping right. Not eating right. Not working out. Just not really giving a sh*t about where things go. The focus shifted to music and other things that I love, but its starting to feel like I'm filling a void that looks like you.

 

That void feels like you and the reminders are all around me.

 

You don't fade out. Your touch and the things that happened between us in this room swirl around in my head all day. I'm exhausted and I don't feel energized enough to claw my way out of the hole I feel like I'm in.

 

All of this time and I still don't know how to clean myself of you. I'm not even dwelling. It's just there. Passively.

 

You're gone and I'm still smothered by you.

[Raina314]

I had one of those weekends too. Could barely sleep .

 

I don't know what we're doing wrong or why it's taking so long. Its like there's no other way to happiness. I just really hope something changes soon and I hope you feel better today, even if it's just a little bit.

[Mr. Disposable]

I had one of those weekends too. Could barely sleep .

 

I don't know what we're doing wrong or why it's taking so long. Its like there's no other way to happiness. I just really hope something changes soon and I hope you feel better today, even if it's just a little bit.

 

I'm sorry

 

I don't either and I wish I had an answer. Me too. Thanks. Today has been a good day, but it's winding down now and I'm really missing someone to come home to.

[Mr. Disposable]

Hey Everyone,

 

It's been a while since I've posted here. I really thought that I was moving along and starting to do better, but uh...I guess I'm not. I'm 25, my ex is 21.

 

I work at a university and she's graduating this week. Guess it's bringing up some sh*t for me.

 

I keep breaking and doing things like looking at her FB or Instagram. Not a whole lot to see other than pictures (nothing crazy, just pictures of her), but it's enough to get me reeling. I just keep thinking...I was engaged once and didn't struggle this hard (moved on after 3 months, to the last girl). I have no idea how after this much time this is still bogging me down so much.

 

I think about her and the situation often. Several times a day, in fact.

 

I'm trying to take steps to be healthier. I know I have a bad habit of getting into relationships with inappropriate women (age inappropriate, girls in relationships, emotionally unavailable partners, etc.). I'm treating it as an addiction. I'm a love addict/love avoidant and I definitely seeing women as the metaphorical equivalent of taking a drink.

 

I'm lonely. I have lots of great friends, I spend time with people, family, I have hobbies, passions, I'm a busy and well accomplished guy.

 

Even still, I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I have no idea what I'm hoping for by posting here tonight. I guess I just needed to share this with anyone. Even though I love everything that I'm doing, I really miss having a woman in my life. I know that's probably more of that codependence/love addict behavior coming through...I just don't know how to come back from this anymore.

 

Any and all thoughts are welcome. Thank you for reading.

[sorano]

Let it out man. we all go through a relapse. I just got back from a bar. I am in the same boat as you. spoke to two women tonight and one of them was going through the same thing as me. Its amazing how many of us are struggling and feel exactly the same. Two strangers I just started talking to, both women were down and depressed.

 

I had some drinks, came home and just smoked a nice cigar listening to some jazz noir music.

 

Tomorrow I am baptizing my nephew. My ex was supposed to be there with me and my family. Now she is gone. Her plate is not at the table and I am alone. we have to try and get these people out of our heads and move on. Be better people and focus on ourselves.

[Mr. Disposable]

Thanks man. I really appreciate you responding. My heads a goddamn mess today.

 

My weekend was a crazy, blurry mess. Panic attacks, no sleep, drinking, trying to tell a family member that I feel like I'm falling to pieces, and then topping it all off by basically spilling my guts about some feelings to a coworker, while tipsy, at midnight.

 

I don't know what compels me to do the dumb sh*t I do sometimes

 

I'm feeling sick and tired this morning. Kinda just wanna get away from all of the big life changes on the horizon today. Just not coping well.

[Rachel39]

im 4 months in and I'm still having a tuff time too, i went to bed at 8:30 last night i didn't want to get out of bed today and have spent the day inside doing nothing and crying on and off.

 

Its a beautiful day outside too.

 

 

I am starting to get sick of myself and my own thoughts and my own feelings, not sure if this is a good sign because i can't stand to be like this any longer.

 

I'm hoping that this will turn to anger soon and that i don't actually care if he's coming back or not and that i won't actually want him back either.

 

I'm trying to feel through the pain and grief and not hide it I'm hoping that way that it won't come back to haunt me like it does to those that haven't processed their feelings.

 

i have no intention of meeting anyone and i honestly know how you feel because i just want to take my head of my shoulders because not only am i grieving i also suffer with ocd (thoughts)

[bluefeather]

have you dated any?

[Mr. Disposable]

im 4 months in and I'm still having a tuff time too, i went to bed at 8:30 last night i didn't want to get out of bed today and have spent the day inside doing nothing and crying on and off.

 

Its a beautiful day outside too.

 

 

I am starting to get sick of myself and my own thoughts and my own feelings, not sure if this is a good sign because i can't stand to be like this any longer.

 

I'm hoping that this will turn to anger soon and that i don't actually care if he's coming back or not and that i won't actually want him back either.

 

I'm trying to feel through the pain and grief and not hide it I'm hoping that way that it won't come back to haunt me like it does to those that haven't processed their feelings.

 

i have no intention of meeting anyone and i honestly know how you feel because i just want to take my head of my shoulders because not only am i grieving i also suffer with ocd (thoughts)

 

I don't know what the better, more productive emotion is necessarily. But I'm sure we'll find it with time. Don't lose hope.

 

Somehow it all comes together and we move past the grief and pain. Life slowly shows us the way. Not through any sort of grandiosity, mind you, but just the experiences that occur naturally as a result of our changes as humans.

 

I hear you on not intending to meet anyone new though. Sometimes a break is the healthiest thing.

 

have you dated any?

 

On that note, no. I haven't dated anyone and I don't intend to for quite some time. I'd like to wait at least a year before giving that a chance. I just feel like some time alone will do wonders for my maturity and understanding of the hurt I've been feeling.

[bluefeather]

On that note, no. I haven't dated anyone and I don't intend to for quite some time. I'd like to wait at least a year before giving that a chance. I just feel like some time alone will do wonders for my maturity and understanding of the hurt I've been feeling.

 

fair enough. I was just curious. good luck to you