Not coping well tonight. [updated]

[Raina314]

 

I agree completely. I'm sure things will regulate with time. This type of sadness is just somewhat new to me. I'm struggling to feel out that difference.

 

Yeah. It's always hard to get through the worst pain you've ever experienced. I feel like it gets harder as you get older because it's more and more rare that anything you experience is "the worst" or "the best" since you have more total experience. It becomes more difficult to deal with extremes.

 

Definitely not. I was in a really rough place for a few weeks. I couldn't get through a day without breaking down over it. I was hurting badly. I know what you mean, it's progress. It's just...I want to be further along. You know? I'm really hard on myself. I understand how you feel. I'd be pretty mistrusting of others' opinions as well. It f*cking sucks that there's no timeline to these things. I just thought that I'd be 100% better by now...

 

I thought I would be better by now too, and the lack of a timeline totally sucks because you don't know when to look forward to. The most frustrating thing is knowing that you fully understand the situation logically and there's no more secret for you to discover that's going to push you into getting over it. There's nothing left for you to actively *do* except wait that's going to make it better, and that's really annoying. That's where that "stuck" feeling comes from. I get really impatient with myself in that regard as well.

 

That said, I am grateful that I'm out of that first week. God that was awful. I couldn't stop crying for two seconds and I remember praying for even the smallest, tiniest fraction of relief and being desperate to even just feel the way I feel now. And I can honestly say that the sadness you have three months or so in is like luxury compared to that first week *shudders*

 

Man, you really are the other side of the coin. I empathize with you completely. At my job, everyone is older than me. I can't get mixed up with students either. It's like I'm in limbo. It makes it impossible to make friends or meet new people to go out with.

 

Yeah...I'm not really sure what he wanted from me. He always acted as if though his daughter was perfect and no one was good enough for her. I encouraged her to go to graduate school. I helped her get in. I helped her get the "in" with the faculty in her department by coaching her and helping her to design the statistical procedures for her first major research project (and funded it out of pocket). When he offered to pay me back for it, I refused and told him that I was doing it because I love his daughter and that I just wanted to see her succeed.

 

Yet, despite my kindnesses toward her and her family, when things got rough between us, both of her parents encouraged her to break things off and stood between us. It really hurt me. I was over there all of the time. I got to know her folks and was very respectful toward them. I'd cook dinners for her family and was very supportive...

 

I'm at a loss as to what more I can do to be a good man that someone would want for their daughter. I'm not perfect, we fought and life got stressful. But the things that were causing the stress...I did for us.

 

Thank you for saying that. I feel like nobody lately.

This actually explains a lot, in my opinion. You were a good boyfriend, but if your ex's dad treated her like she could do no wrong, then maybe she was also a bit spoiled and expected more of you/relationships than was ever realistic.

 

And it's certainly demoralizing for you to hear from two grown, life-experienced people that you aren't a good enough partner for her. It's hard enough not to feel like a loser when it's just your equally young, inexperienced ex saying you shouldn't be together, but when people who should know better also say that it can really knock at your self-esteem. Especially when you're trying to be on their level and act like a well adjusted adult.

 

I had a somewhat similar experience with one of my other exes. Though his dad passed away, his mom and many of his other relatives expressed to my ex fairly often that they didn't want us together because they thought I was rude (they were from another culture, and I was really shy, which to them came off as impolite) and in other ways just not good enough. Even though I broke up with him, partially because I knew I'd never fit in with his family, it still hurt and really made me doubt my worth.

 

However, if you can be heartbroken and still recognize that you really did the best you could've with her family, you definitely did. And it was enormously generous of you to fund her research project and cook for the family. That's a really special thing and I'm certain my parents would be disappointed in me if I let a guy like that go. That shows real dedication and commitment, which is hard to come by.

 

 

I know I don't know you in real life. But based on your conduct on these forums, I'd agree with your friends/exs. You seem like a kind, thoughtful, intelligent, loving young woman who has a great head on her shoulders. If he didn't take the time to see your best traits, maybe he just wasn't equipped to bring that out in you. You really can't blame yourself.

 

Honestly, that says way more about him than it does about you. It's not your fault at all. I agree though, that cohesion needs to happen in order for love to thrive. All I know is that "why" isn't a productive question. It's always more about "what" we can do to move forward.

 

I'm flattered, thank you very much . I guess I know it's not my fault. The silliest thing is that sometimes I feel sorry for him that when he asked me out he was really happy and excited and then the relationship disappointed him and he wasn't happy enough with it in the end. I feel like I failed to make him happy, even though that wasn't the issue at all.

 

And then sometimes I get kinda bitter and think "if my best isn't good enough, what is?" I don't know why it's so hard to not blame myself. It's still hard for me to find fault with him. When things were good, he bought me flowers, which no one had ever done before and he'd always pick me up rather than asking me for a ride, while a lot of my friends treated me like a personal chauffer. He cooked for me and everything. Those little things really made me fall hard. But you're right "why?" isn't terribly productive at this point. He's gone now and he probably has more learning to do about himself than I do about him.

 

It's definitely his loss. I've enjoyed talking to you quite a bit. You're not the average, by any means. Ignorance is bliss, Raina. Sometimes we're oblivious to what it is that we squander. Call it human, call it whatever...it's a loss.

 

Don't apologize! I'm a bleeding heart to begin with. I could use some thicker skin. I'm sorry for being so pansy-ish about stuff, haha. You're right and hey, thank you so much for sticking through my posts with me. I wish I had a friend like you in real life because you've been great. You should feel awesome about who you are. Your ex is missing out.

 

You're right again. And in the words of Macklemore, "one man's trash, another man's comeup" lol.

 

We're all kinda bleeding hearts around here, haha. And I feel like it's better to be bleeding and honest with yourself than bleeding and defensive/in denial.

 

I wish I had actual friends like you too. Talking to you has certainly made me feel a lot more awesome than talking to most of my friends has lately. I get along well with them (obviously) but most of them really just see it in a one-sided way and say "your ex is a f*ckboy, end of story." They don't have too much insight to offer, partially because it's hard to imagine what heartbreak feels like when you're not in it at that very second. But you've helped me think about this in ways I didn't quite before and I really appreciate that, especially since I've really kinda been starved of insightful conversations lately. So, I'm more than happy to continue being your forum-buddy

Edited February 25, 2016 by Raina314

[SixxChick]

I think way too much for a dude, I know.

 

You, and a few others around here, are starting to restore my faith in men.

[Mr. Disposable]

Yeah. It's always hard to get through the worst pain you've ever experienced. I feel like it gets harder as you get older because it's more and more rare that anything you experience is "the worst" or "the best" since you have more total experience. It becomes more difficult to deal with extremes.

 

Yeah...it's like it becomes more serious with every passing year. I don't really like that very much. The decisions seem bigger and more impactful somehow. They affect me more deeply as a man and sometimes not in the best ways. I'm beginning to get an aversion to dating.

 

I thought I would be better by now too, and the lack of a timeline totally sucks because you don't know when to look forward to. The most frustrating thing is knowing that you fully understand the situation logically and there's no more secret for you to discover that's going to push you into getting over it. There's nothing left for you to actively *do* except wait that's going to make it better, and that's really annoying. That's where that "stuck" feeling comes from. I get really impatient with myself in that regard as well.

 

That said, I am grateful that I'm out of that first week. God that was awful. I couldn't stop crying for two seconds and I remember praying for even the smallest, tiniest fraction of relief and being desperate to even just feel the way I feel now. And I can honestly say that the sadness you have three months or so in is like luxury compared to that first week *shudders*

 

Yup. That's about the worst of it. It feels like having the flu with no two week expiration date. I have no expectation of when I'll feel better. Most days I just want to forget. But you can't I guess. Denial isn't the healthiest defense mechanism, but some days it's all I've got.

 

Yeah, the first few weeks were really raw. I felt like I was falling apart at all times and I'm grateful that I only revert to that place occasionally.

 

This actually explains a lot, in my opinion. You were a good boyfriend, but if your ex's dad treated her like she could do no wrong, then maybe she was also a bit spoiled and expected more of you/relationships than was ever realistic.

 

And it's certainly demoralizing for you to hear from two grown, life-experienced people that you aren't a good enough partner for her. It's hard enough not to feel like a loser when it's just your equally young, inexperienced ex saying you shouldn't be together, but when people who should know better also say that it can really knock at your self-esteem. Especially when you're trying to be on their level and act like a well adjusted adult.

 

Yeah. I'm still recovering from that. I felt really betrayed and it was like she wasn't doing anything to stick up for me. Like she was agreeing with them. I ask myself how much more a guy has to accomplish by 25 to be good enough for her.

 

Maybe at my core I know that she thought I wasn't good enough for her either. I dunno. Just writing that feels like sh*t.

 

I had a somewhat similar experience with one of my other exes. Though his dad passed away, his mom and many of his other relatives expressed to my ex fairly often that they didn't want us together because they thought I was rude (they were from another culture, and I was really shy, which to them came off as impolite) and in other ways just not good enough. Even though I broke up with him, partially because I knew I'd never fit in with his family, it still hurt and really made me doubt my worth.

 

However, if you can be heartbroken and still recognize that you really did the best you could've with her family, you definitely did. And it was enormously generous of you to fund her research project and cook for the family. That's a really special thing and I'm certain my parents would be disappointed in me if I let a guy like that go. That shows real dedication and commitment, which is hard to come by.

 

Thank you so much for saying such nice things. I suppose on some level I want to hold that as fact. My self-esteem is six feet under right now though. I feel unworthy of a girls love and the more I think about getting back out there, the more I feel paralyzed by the prospect.

 

I feel like half a man and not good enough for any woman. Much like what you've described in your posts. That doubt of whether or not my best is good enough. I'd tell myself that maybe she just didn't appreciate it, but I'm having trouble believing that right now.

 

I'm flattered, thank you very much . I guess I know it's not my fault. The silliest thing is that sometimes I feel sorry for him that when he asked me out he was really happy and excited and then the relationship disappointed him and he wasn't happy enough with it in the end. I feel like I failed to make him happy, even though that wasn't the issue at all.

 

Of course, you deserve to hear that . Speaking as a man, sometimes we're not satisfied with anything because we don't know how to be in touch with our feelings in the moment. The kind of emotional awareness that I'm learning to show has been born out of a lot of disappointment and hurt. In the intensity of the moment with someone I love, I'm not always capable of this...until I've already made the mistake and by then it has often been too late.

 

And then sometimes I get kinda bitter and think "if my best isn't good enough, what is?" I don't know why it's so hard to not blame myself. It's still hard for me to find fault with him. When things were good, he bought me flowers, which no one had ever done before and he'd always pick me up rather than asking me for a ride, while a lot of my friends treated me like a personal chauffer. He cooked for me and everything. Those little things really made me fall hard. But you're right "why?" isn't terribly productive at this point. He's gone now and he probably has more learning to do about himself than I do about him.

 

You're right again. And in the words of Macklemore, "one man's trash, another man's comeup" lol.

 

We're all kinda bleeding hearts around here, haha. And I feel like it's better to be bleeding and honest with yourself than bleeding and defensive/in denial.

 

Well you deserved those flowers and the dinners and a whole lot more. If I had someone like you in my life, even a friend like you, I'd do that for them all of the time. I know this might be hard for you to to hear: but you deserved every single one of those good things and you're worth those good things. Some day very soon, someone wise enough to see that will give you all of that and more.

 

Hang tough. You've got a ton of value as a person and it shows in spades. Whoever winds up with you is a lucky man. Your self-awareness is really impressive at your age.

 

I wish I had actual friends like you too. Talking to you has certainly made me feel a lot more awesome than talking to most of my friends has lately. I get along well with them (obviously) but most of them really just see it in a one-sided way and say "your ex is a f*ckboy, end of story." They don't have too much insight to offer, partially because it's hard to imagine what heartbreak feels like when you're not in it at that very second. But you've helped me think about this in ways I didn't quite before and I really appreciate that, especially since I've really kinda been starved of insightful conversations lately. So, I'm more than happy to continue being your forum-buddy

 

I hear you. The name calling never helps because we still love them...and my buddies aren't terribly insightful either. I love my friends, but they're your typical dudes. Lets get f*cked up bro, let's get you laid dude, let's go get your mind off of sh*t. I appreciate having that in my life too, but it's hard when I'm feeling so f*cking soft about everything.

 

I'm getting in touch with sh*t that is uncomfortable and it's weird doing that in front of my brother and friends.

 

Same here. I'll keep expressing thanks so long as I've got your great insight and feminine perspective to lean on when I can't get my sh*t together day to day. Whenever you need a boost, come talk to me. I'll be here for you.

 

You, and a few others around here, are starting to restore my faith in men.

 

Aw, shucks . Thanks SixxChick, you made my day with that comment.

 

Not sure what I did to be worthy of such high praise, but it meant a lot to hear someone say that about me.

[Raina314]

Yeah...it's like it becomes more serious with every passing year. I don't really like that very much. The decisions seem bigger and more impactful somehow. They affect me more deeply as a man and sometimes not in the best ways. I'm beginning to get an aversion to dating.

 

I think that's something a lot of guys go through. At least from what I've seen, a lot of my male friends are pushing off realizing the impact of their decisions, or just making decisions period, for as long as possible because they do affect you more deeply as a man.

 

I think it's fairly normal to feel an aversion to dating after a breakup, and not just because you still love your ex. They make you feel like you can barely take care of yourself, and from that perspective it seems like you'll never be able to take care of another person again. That, and starting a new relationship requires you to be happy about starting a new relationship, and when you're not happy, you feel like you'd be acting really fake if you tried dating someone else. When I try to imagine myself on a date with someone else, I imagine myself just sitting there trying not to be rude while I prayed for it to be over so I could crawl back into my little hole and sulk some more x(.

 

Yup. That's about the worst of it. It feels like having the flu with no two week expiration date. I have no expectation of when I'll feel better. Most days I just want to forget. But you can't I guess. Denial isn't the healthiest defense mechanism, but some days it's all I've got.

 

Yeah, the first few weeks were really raw. I felt like I was falling apart at all times and I'm grateful that I only revert to that place occasionally.

 

You're right that denial isn't healthy, but obviously sometimes you have to use it cuz you can't be crying all the time while you're at work and stuff. That said, when you're not in public, it's definitely better to just feel it. I look at it as sorta exposure therapy. I'd rather have these months of bad days in a row and get used to my feelings and then know at the end of it that I'll be okay than try to shove it away and have it sneak up on me when I don't expect it later.

 

 

Yeah. I'm still recovering from that. I felt really betrayed and it was like she wasn't doing anything to stick up for me. Like she was agreeing with them. I ask myself how much more a guy has to accomplish by 25 to be good enough for her.

 

Maybe at my core I know that she thought I wasn't good enough for her either. I dunno. Just writing that feels like sh*t.

That's one of the worst feelings in the world. You expect the people you love to have your back, and they should, especially when you've given them no reason not to. If your ex expects much more than what you had to offer, she'll be in for a rude awakening, especially if she plans to date guys closer to her age.

 

It's hard not to feel like you weren't good enough when the other person seemed totally fine and confident with their decision and you weren't. Not only does it give you the impression that you're not worth their time, but it reminds you that they feel more confident in themselves and we feel lacking next to them when we see that.

 

From the objective facts you've presented about her, it certainly doesn't seem like there's anything about her that makes her too good for you. You really don't find many guys to fund your grad research projects and cook for your family and all, especially in college. I guarantee you you're better than 90% of the guys she meets on a regular basis.

 

Thank you so much for saying such nice things. I suppose on some level I want to hold that as fact. My self-esteem is six feet under right now though. I feel unworthy of a girls love and the more I think about getting back out there, the more I feel paralyzed by the prospect.

 

I feel like half a man and not good enough for any woman. Much like what you've described in your posts. That doubt of whether or not my best is good enough. I'd tell myself that maybe she just didn't appreciate it, but I'm having trouble believing that right now.

 

It's gonna take a while before you feel comfortable going out and dating again. When I feel good, I try to think about it, but then immediately retract back into sad-single mode. And I think that's just part of recovering from a really intense love. You have to be okay and comfortable as a whole, single man or woman before you can feel comfortable with the idea of being someone's SO again or putting the charms on with someone new.

 

Our loyalty to our exes is hard to shake, and in a way it should be. If the heart's loyalty were an easy thing to get rid of, it wouldn't take us very far at all in relationships and we'd never be able to stay in anything long term. So the same thing that's hurting you and getting in your way now is the same thing that will also help you when you do meet someone who's equally committed.

 

Of course, you deserve to hear that . Speaking as a man, sometimes we're not satisfied with anything because we don't know how to be in touch with our feelings in the moment. The kind of emotional awareness that I'm learning to show has been born out of a lot of disappointment and hurt. In the intensity of the moment with someone I love, I'm not always capable of this...until I've already made the mistake and by then it has often been too late.

Yeah, that's what's so hard for me to wrap my mind around as a girl. It's impossible for me not to be in touch with my feelings, so it's really hard for me to imagine what it must feel like to not be. Oddly, my ex did get emotional when he first told me he needed a break, I'd never seen him cry before but he did then. He was totally fine when he came back and ended it though 2 months later though. I think it was just the guilt and pressure that got to him at first.

 

 

Well you deserved those flowers and the dinners and a whole lot more. If I had someone like you in my life, even a friend like you, I'd do that for them all of the time. I know this might be hard for you to to hear: but you deserved every single one of those good things and you're worth those good things. Some day very soon, someone wise enough to see that will give you all of that and more.

 

Hang tough. You've got a ton of value as a person and it shows in spades. Whoever winds up with you is a lucky man. Your self-awareness is really impressive at your age.

 

Aw shucks . Thank you again . That cheers me up a good deal. It does mean a lot to me to hear someone say that right now.

 

I do try very hard to be self (and everything else) aware, so I'm really happy it pays off, even if it is just on a forum for now.

 

I hear you. The name calling never helps because we still love them...and my buddies aren't terribly insightful either. I love my friends, but they're your typical dudes. Lets get f*cked up bro, let's get you laid dude, let's go get your mind off of sh*t. I appreciate having that in my life too, but it's hard when I'm feeling so f*cking soft about everything.

 

I'm getting in touch with sh*t that is uncomfortable and it's weird doing that in front of my brother and friends.

 

Same here. I'll keep expressing thanks so long as I've got your great insight and feminine perspective to lean on when I can't get my sh*t together day to day. Whenever you need a boost, come talk to me. I'll be here for you.

 

Exactly. But then when you defend your ex and try to make your friends understand that you don't see them as a bad person, you just feel pathetic for "trying to make excuses" for them, when you're really just trying to be fair and not sling mud unnecessarily. It sucks. What they don't realize is that oversimplifying the situation like that is actually sort of insulting to you, because it implies (at least when I hear it) that you were blind the whole time. Like, yeah, it might not have worked out, but I'm not stupid enough to date a straight-up jerk.

 

I get that. I guess it's not weird for me to be soft in front of my loved ones, especially not at first. But now it's starting to feel embarrassing because I always took pride in being "the reasonable one" among my friends and this breakup gotten me acting crazy for months.

 

Sounds like a plan . I intend to do that. I've really been missing perspective from a more mature guy and the opportunity to talk to someone in the same boat as me. The thing about hanging out with people irl who aren't in this spot is that I always feel like I'm somehow lagging way behind them and acting like I'm okay when I'm not right now can be really painful. It's been a huge relief to have a place where I can talk about how I really feel and get actual thought out engagement that goes beyond "Do NC, work out, feel sexy." It's a lot less lonely.

[Mr. Disposable]

I think that's something a lot of guys go through. At least from what I've seen, a lot of my male friends are pushing off realizing the impact of their decisions, or just making decisions period, for as long as possible because they do affect you more deeply as a man.

 

Yeah, maybe they do. I don't seem to have any friends that are going through that now though. They're all a little younger than me.

 

I feel almost afraid to move at this point. It's frustrating since I've always thought of myself as a man of action. I'm the guy people turn to when they want to get things done. After this break up though...I'm not that man anymore.

 

I think it's fairly normal to feel an aversion to dating after a breakup, and not just because you still love your ex. They make you feel like you can barely take care of yourself, and from that perspective it seems like you'll never be able to take care of another person again. That, and starting a new relationship requires you to be happy about starting a new relationship, and when you're not happy, you feel like you'd be acting really fake if you tried dating someone else. When I try to imagine myself on a date with someone else, I imagine myself just sitting there trying not to be rude while I prayed for it to be over so I could crawl back into my little hole and sulk some more x(.

 

Yeah...that's it for sure. The idea of it feels totally insincere and I get angry at myself for still loving her. I went through a lot of really messed up things with her. For her. I tried like hell to show her every day of our lives that she was worth something to me that no one else was.

 

After she cheated on her boyfriend, I held out for 6 months to be with her. Agonizingly watching her try to make up her mind. We took a trip to California together and she couldn't tell her family or friends about me. A few times, we were walking across campus and came across her friends. No introduction. No nothing. I stood there, invisible.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure I ever treated myself like I was worth a damn during those days. Once we were together, it was suddenly like she couldn't live without me and she told me as much all of the time. I fell for it and I'm a damn fool. Not a day goes by that I don't hurt over that.

 

You're right that denial isn't healthy, but obviously sometimes you have to use it cuz you can't be crying all the time while you're at work and stuff. That said, when you're not in public, it's definitely better to just feel it. I look at it as sorta exposure therapy. I'd rather have these months of bad days in a row and get used to my feelings and then know at the end of it that I'll be okay than try to shove it away and have it sneak up on me when I don't expect it later.

 

You're right about that. I don't avoid that pain at all. I'm embracing it...and that's a tough, but honest thing to do right now when things are so raw.

 

That's one of the worst feelings in the world. You expect the people you love to have your back, and they should, especially when you've given them no reason not to. If your ex expects much more than what you had to offer, she'll be in for a rude awakening, especially if she plans to date guys closer to her age.

 

It's hard not to feel like you weren't good enough when the other person seemed totally fine and confident with their decision and you weren't. Not only does it give you the impression that you're not worth their time, but it reminds you that they feel more confident in themselves and we feel lacking next to them when we see that.

 

From the objective facts you've presented about her, it certainly doesn't seem like there's anything about her that makes her too good for you. You really don't find many guys to fund your grad research projects and cook for your family and all, especially in college. I guarantee you you're better than 90% of the guys she meets on a regular basis.

 

I would love to say that I hope that's true, but I just don't wish her ill. I'm mixed up, because it would be great for her to see what she's lost, but I don't even know if losing me was some great loss or if I'm just fooling myself.

 

Really? Could you share what it was that made you think that? I'd honestly like to see it through someone else's eyes. I've obviously still got the wool over mine...

 

Thank you so much for saying that... I'm really hurting today. Soundtrack to my life today: Tree By The River by Iron and Wine.

 

It's gonna take a while before you feel comfortable going out and dating again. When I feel good, I try to think about it, but then immediately retract back into sad-single mode. And I think that's just part of recovering from a really intense love. You have to be okay and comfortable as a whole, single man or woman before you can feel comfortable with the idea of being someone's SO again or putting the charms on with someone new.

 

Our loyalty to our exes is hard to shake, and in a way it should be. If the heart's loyalty were an easy thing to get rid of, it wouldn't take us very far at all in relationships and we'd never be able to stay in anything long term. So the same thing that's hurting you and getting in your way now is the same thing that will also help you when you do meet someone who's equally committed.

 

Guess it boils down to not thinking about the while polar bear, eh? I hear you. It's really tough to keep the happiness consistent. I wonder if I'm capable of getting back to that point and not just faking it.

 

I suppose that's true. I just wish it didn't feel so sh*tty. You know?

 

Yeah, that's what's so hard for me to wrap my mind around as a girl. It's impossible for me not to be in touch with my feelings, so it's really hard for me to imagine what it must feel like to not be. Oddly, my ex did get emotional when he first told me he needed a break, I'd never seen him cry before but he did then. He was totally fine when he came back and ended it though 2 months later though. I think it was just the guilt and pressure that got to him at first.

 

As children, men aren't generally encouraged to feel things out loud. So we dam the feelings up until it gets to be too much. When the dam spills open...it's too late. Perhaps it was. Hard to tell though. We'll drive ourselves insane trying to guess their feelings and intentions. It's best not to wonder.

 

Aw shucks . Thank you again . That cheers me up a good deal. It does mean a lot to me to hear someone say that right now.

 

I do try very hard to be self (and everything else) aware, so I'm really happy it pays off, even if it is just on a forum for now.

 

Good! It's not just a forum. You're real and I'm sure everything that you learn here, you think about and apply to your life. It's paying off in your life, period.

 

Exactly. But then when you defend your ex and try to make your friends understand that you don't see them as a bad person, you just feel pathetic for "trying to make excuses" for them, when you're really just trying to be fair and not sling mud unnecessarily. It sucks. What they don't realize is that oversimplifying the situation like that is actually sort of insulting to you, because it implies (at least when I hear it) that you were blind the whole time. Like, yeah, it might not have worked out, but I'm not stupid enough to date a straight-up jerk.

 

I'm glad someone understands where I'm coming from. Everyone always gets pissed at me and tells me not to defend her. I guess I just don't see her as a villain. She heart me really f*cking badly, but so what? We give those we love license to do so. I had my eyes open the whole time and I knew what I was getting myself into. Blaming her just makes me an as*hole.

 

I don't want to waste my time hating anyone. I'm just feeling my hurt and biding my time until the hurt fades. If it never really does...well I've gained a whole bunch of beautiful memories from it. Loving her was the best time of my life so far. It may not have been the same for her, but she was the one person I've loved in my life and I'll always be grateful for her.

 

I get that. I guess it's not weird for me to be soft in front of my loved ones, especially not at first. But now it's starting to feel embarrassing because I always took pride in being "the reasonable one" among my friends and this breakup gotten me acting crazy for months.

 

Sounds like a plan . I intend to do that. I've really been missing perspective from a more mature guy and the opportunity to talk to someone in the same boat as me. The thing about hanging out with people irl who aren't in this spot is that I always feel like I'm somehow lagging way behind them and acting like I'm okay when I'm not right now can be really painful. It's been a huge relief to have a place where I can talk about how I really feel and get actual thought out engagement that goes beyond "Do NC, work out, feel sexy." It's a lot less lonely.

 

Well...feel free to "embarrass" yourself here. I know you're having a rough day, so talk to me. This thread is as much mine as it is yours. If we lived in the same place, I'd invite you for a walk. You've been the most helpful "friend" I've had through this whole thing. It's been nice having someone listen, so please allow me to return the favor. We'll get through this...somehow.

 

Thank you so much for saying that. I feel the same way about you regarding the feminine perspective. Yeah, the advice isn't too different for a guy "NC, workout, f*ck random girls, get drunk".

[Raina314]

Yeah, maybe they do. I don't seem to have any friends that are going through that now though. They're all a little younger than me.

 

I feel almost afraid to move at this point. It's frustrating since I've always thought of myself as a man of action. I'm the guy people turn to when they want to get things done. After this break up though...I'm not that man anymore.

 

Being afraid to move is natural, because there's a very small patch of space where you're remotely comfortable right now and it takes a lot of work to not be sad. A lot of the time it feels like if you move one centimeter the wrong way, you'll plunge right back off the cliff and be back to square one. So even though the teeny tiny patch of semi-comfortable ground is still not great, it feels better than accidentally making a move the wrong way and being in agony again.

 

Losing your identity is also painful, and I definitely relate. Not in that I was ever really a go-getter, but I was the voice of reason. And now I'm the voice of crazy girl who can't get over her ex x(. I liked the old me a lot better.

 

Yeah...that's it for sure. The idea of it feels totally insincere and I get angry at myself for still loving her. I went through a lot of really messed up things with her. For her. I tried like hell to show her every day of our lives that she was worth something to me that no one else was.

After she cheated on her boyfriend, I held out for 6 months to be with her. Agonizingly watching her try to make up her mind. We took a trip to California together and she couldn't tell her family or friends about me. A few times, we were walking across campus and came across her friends. No introduction. No nothing. I stood there, invisible.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure I ever treated myself like I was worth a damn during those days. Once we were together, it was suddenly like she couldn't live without me and she told me as much all of the time. I fell for it and I'm a damn fool. Not a day goes by that I don't hurt over that.

 

It is infuriating when we can't make our feelings obey reason, isn't it? She was probably somewhat ashamed of herself for cheating at the time you first started dating, and maybe she never got over the guilt of that. She might have unfairly projected some of those negative feelings onto you since you were part of an experience that she probably knows she shouldn't be proud of.

 

Believing those words doesn't make you a fool. She probably did mean them when she said them and believed them just as much as you did. They may not have turned out to be true, but you can only judge yourself for acting on the information you had at the time. No one's psychic and when everything's good it's so hard to believe it'll ever go bad.

 

I was always afraid to tell my ex things like that though, because I've always been terrified of seeming clingy and I was afraid I'd scare him off. Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better if I'd taken the lead and tried to go deeper first. I always sorta waited for him to make the moves in terms of expressing the depths of his feelings because I didn't want to say anything he wasn't ready to hear. I often wonder if being more open would've helped us or just ended things quicker. And I don't know how best to handle that in the future.

 

I would love to say that I hope that's true, but I just don't wish her ill. I'm mixed up, because it would be great for her to see what she's lost, but I don't even know if losing me was some great loss or if I'm just fooling myself.

 

Really? Could you share what it was that made you think that? I'd honestly like to see it through someone else's eyes. I've obviously still got the wool over mine...

 

Thank you so much for saying that... I'm really hurting today. Soundtrack to my life today: Tree By The River by Iron and Wine.

 

I definitely understand not wishing her ill. It's always best to take the high road, because the opposite just makes you feel like a bad person and that's the last thing you need when you're already down, so I get that. Losing a person who loves you and is good to you is always a great loss, just like you told me, regardless of whether she knows it or not. Maybe someday she'll see it, maybe she won't. I guess the tough part is accepting that we may never know which side they come around to in their own minds when we want to know so badly.

 

And I'm not sure if you're asking me about the part about feeling less confident next to the person who dumped us or the part about you being better than the majority of other guys she'll meet, so I'll address both lol. By the confidence thing, I simply meant that people who are obviously confident when we're not feeling so confident can make us feel like total losers just by being around. Like, standing next to a really hot person will make you feel less hot, unless you're like, Penelope Cruz or something. Obviously that effect is magnified x10 when the person we're comparing ourselves to is someone we love and is standing there confidently saying that the relationship you believed in 100% isn't worth it to them anymore. It really shakes the foundation of our own ability to believe what we see and experience.

 

As for you being better than most of what your ex is gonna get, I mean, you have two degrees and a full time job. Already ahead of at least 60% of men, probably higher. You play guitar and write music. That definitely gives you extra attractiveness points. And you were committed to her, and I think that's what gets you the rest of the way above 90%. I don't like to make unkind generalizations about guys because I believe you really get it enough from society right now, but it is true that many young men in their 20s just don't want to commit yet, and a lot of women do. For every 3 or 4 women our age that are ready to settle down and be serious with a partner, there's probably only 1 guy. That's not to say women don't have their own problems and points of immaturity that get in the way of a successful relationship. We certainly do. But it's really hard to find someone under 27 or so who feels comfortable wholly settling down and committing without being pushed. And then of course, you were nice to her and not a jerk. I'd say probably at least 15% of all people are just nasty people, maybe more, so you obviously come out ahead of them too.

 

And I haven't heard them before, but I'll give it a listen later. I've been listening to a lot of folksy stuff lately.

 

Guess it boils down to not thinking about the while polar bear, eh? I hear you. It's really tough to keep the happiness consistent. I wonder if I'm capable of getting back to that point and not just faking it.

 

I suppose that's true. I just wish it didn't feel so sh*tty. You know?

 

 

Polar bear? I don't think I've heard that expression before lol. I wonder that a lot too. I have had moments of it, but nothing lasting more than a day or two. It reminds me of being in high school again.

 

Yeah, me too. But like they always say, there's no rainbow without the rain. Joy cannot be known without sadness.

 

As children, men aren't generally encouraged to feel things out loud. So we dam the feelings up until it gets to be too much. When the dam spills open...it's too late. Perhaps it was. Hard to tell though. We'll drive ourselves insane trying to guess their feelings and intentions. It's best not to wonder.

 

That's true, it always makes me really sad to see . It is probably definitely best not to wonder. But I find that's what I struggle with the most. I'd kill (not really, but you get the point) to know what happened in his mind. But it probably wouldn't make me feel too much better in the long run.

 

 

I'm glad someone understands where I'm coming from. Everyone always gets pissed at me and tells me not to defend her. I guess I just don't see her as a villain. She heart me really f*cking badly, but so what? We give those we love license to do so. I had my eyes open the whole time and I knew what I was getting myself into. Blaming her just makes me an as*hole.

 

I don't want to waste my time hating anyone. I'm just feeling my hurt and biding my time until the hurt fades. If it never really does...well I've gained a whole bunch of beautiful memories from it. Loving her was the best time of my life so far. It may not have been the same for her, but she was the one person I've loved in my life and I'll always be grateful for her.

 

Yeah, exactly. Getting hurt is a risk you take, and dumping someone doesn't make you a villain. Most of us have done it at some point. It just sucks when it happens to you. I do struggle with that too though, because facing the fact that my ex technically did nothing wrong by dumping me and knowing he can still be a perfectly good person makes it harder for me to believe I can move on and do better.

 

I think the year I spent with my guy was probably the happiest of my life, too, yeah. It was the first relationship I've been in that I honestly thought had the potential to last forever. I'd never felt that before. So it really crushed me that he didn't see it the same way.

 

Well...feel free to "embarrass" yourself here. I know you're having a rough day, so talk to me. This thread is as much mine as it is yours. If we lived in the same place, I'd invite you for a walk. You've been the most helpful "friend" I've had through this whole thing. It's been nice having someone listen, so please allow me to return the favor. We'll get through this...somehow.

 

I am having a rough day, thanks . I guess one of the other things I struggle with is how well I seemed to fit into his life. His parents were really great and they were so happy for him to have found a girlfriend. All his friends liked me too, and it's hard because a lot of them were mutual friends before we started dating who don't want to fault either of us, but now I'm staying away from all of them because most of them were his friends first and I'm not ready to face them as a group yet. Thinking of appearing in front of them as the girl who got dumped by their friend makes me feel really humiliated, and of course sad, and I'm not sure how I'll get beyond that.

 

I love walks, so I'd totally take you up on that if I could. It's so cold here though, so I haven't been out much lately.

 

Also, today I went to a bar with some of my coworkers after work. It was okay at first, but I find the later it gets the more I get sad and just want to go home . I kinda saw that coming, but I figured I'd try again today anyways.

 

We will. Thanks for being here

[Mr. Disposable]

Being afraid to move is natural, because there's a very small patch of space where you're remotely comfortable right now and it takes a lot of work to not be sad. A lot of the time it feels like if you move one centimeter the wrong way, you'll plunge right back off the cliff and be back to square one. So even though the teeny tiny patch of semi-comfortable ground is still not great, it feels better than accidentally making a move the wrong way and being in agony again.

 

Losing your identity is also painful, and I definitely relate. Not in that I was ever really a go-getter, but I was the voice of reason. And now I'm the voice of crazy girl who can't get over her ex x(. I liked the old me a lot better.

 

That's good to hear, because honestly, I'm overthinking every move pretty hard. Yeah, I'm teetering on that edge right now.

 

Agreed. I used to pride myself on being a really logical guy who could make necessary decisions at a moments notice. Cool, detached, and willing to walk away if things didn't feel right. But now...I'm a goddamn mess.

 

It is infuriating when we can't make our feelings obey reason, isn't it? She was probably somewhat ashamed of herself for cheating at the time you first started dating, and maybe she never got over the guilt of that. She might have unfairly projected some of those negative feelings onto you since you were part of an experience that she probably knows she shouldn't be proud of.

 

That's an understatement. It pisses me off. I hate the feeling of being helpless. Yeah that sounds reasonable I guess. Just hurts that I was a casualty of her immaturity. It feels unfair given the work put into getting past that as a couple.

 

Believing those words doesn't make you a fool. She probably did mean them when she said them and believed them just as much as you did. They may not have turned out to be true, but you can only judge yourself for acting on the information you had at the time. No one's psychic and when everything's good it's so hard to believe it'll ever go bad.

 

Meh...I feel pretty foolish. But I'm sure you're right. Yeah, I guess she was just doing the best she could. Just like I was.

 

I was always afraid to tell my ex things like that though, because I've always been terrified of seeming clingy and I was afraid I'd scare him off. Sometimes I wonder if it would've been better if I'd taken the lead and tried to go deeper first. I always sorta waited for him to make the moves in terms of expressing the depths of his feelings because I didn't want to say anything he wasn't ready to hear. I often wonder if being more open would've helped us or just ended things quicker. And I don't know how best to handle that in the future.

 

I live by just one philosophy when it comes to other people in my life:

 

"You can't say the wrong thing to the right person."

 

As Jack White would say "Sometimes, someone controls everything about you, when they tell you that they just can't live without you. They ain't lying, they'll take pieces of you and walk away, and take a part of you with them."

 

The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Intensity is overrated. Trust me.

 

I definitely understand not wishing her ill. It's always best to take the high road, because the opposite just makes you feel like a bad person and that's the last thing you need when you're already down, so I get that. Losing a person who loves you and is good to you is always a great loss, just like you told me, regardless of whether she knows it or not. Maybe someday she'll see it, maybe she won't. I guess the tough part is accepting that we may never know which side they come around to in their own minds when we want to know so badly.

 

Truly, one of the hardest unknowns to ignore...

 

And I'm not sure if you're asking me about the part about feeling less confident next to the person who dumped us or the part about you being better than the majority of other guys she'll meet, so I'll address both lol. By the confidence thing, I simply meant that people who are obviously confident when we're not feeling so confident can make us feel like total losers just by being around. Like, standing next to a really hot person will make you feel less hot, unless you're like, Penelope Cruz or something. Obviously that effect is magnified x10 when the person we're comparing ourselves to is someone we love and is standing there confidently saying that the relationship you believed in 100% isn't worth it to them anymore. It really shakes the foundation of our own ability to believe what we see and experience.

 

I was actually asking about what you read that made you think that she wasn't good for me! lol.

 

But yeah, I completely understand where you're coming from with this. The end for us was really strange. She wanted a break, then I wanted to end things, and in the end it still wound up feeling like she broke up with me. I'm sure she's moved on and healed. I just want to feel like my normal, confident self.

 

As for you being better than most of what your ex is gonna get, I mean, you have two degrees and a full time job. Already ahead of at least 60% of men, probably higher. You play guitar and write music. That definitely gives you extra attractiveness points. And you were committed to her, and I think that's what gets you the rest of the way above 90%. I don't like to make unkind generalizations about guys because I believe you really get it enough from society right now, but it is true that many young men in their 20s just don't want to commit yet, and a lot of women do. For every 3 or 4 women our age that are ready to settle down and be serious with a partner, there's probably only 1 guy. That's not to say women don't have their own problems and points of immaturity that get in the way of a successful relationship. We certainly do. But it's really hard to find someone under 27 or so who feels comfortable wholly settling down and committing without being pushed. And then of course, you were nice to her and not a jerk. I'd say probably at least 15% of all people are just nasty people, maybe more, so you obviously come out ahead of them too.

 

Thank you very much for saying all of that. It's really nice to hear that there are some women out there who might appreciate what I have to offer. I certainly don't feel like I'm above what she has to choose from, but I'm really grateful for the compliment .

 

And I haven't heard them before, but I'll give it a listen later. I've been listening to a lot of folksy stuff lately.

 

Check out the acoustic version if you do!

 

Polar bear? I don't think I've heard that expression before lol. I wonder that a lot too. I have had moments of it, but nothing lasting more than a day or two. It reminds me of being in high school again.

 

Yeah, me too. But like they always say, there's no rainbow without the rain. Joy cannot be known without sadness.

 

Haha, it's not a saying! It's a stupid game we all played as kids. We would run up to someone and say "DON'T THINK ABOUT THE WHITE POLAR BEAR!!" and of course, your mind can't help but wander there. Telling yourself to keep your mind off of something is much the same, you know?

 

You're right though. You've gotta lose something to gain something. Just a basic principle of life.

 

That's true, it always makes me really sad to see . It is probably definitely best not to wonder. But I find that's what I struggle with the most. I'd kill (not really, but you get the point) to know what happened in his mind. But it probably wouldn't make me feel too much better in the long run.

 

No...I doubt very much that it would. In the past, when I looked for answers with exes, the remedy was worse than the disease. Live with the itch, trust me.

 

Yeah, exactly. Getting hurt is a risk you take, and dumping someone doesn't make you a villain. Most of us have done it at some point. It just sucks when it happens to you. I do struggle with that too though, because facing the fact that my ex technically did nothing wrong by dumping me and knowing he can still be a perfectly good person makes it harder for me to believe I can move on and do better.

 

I think the year I spent with my guy was probably the happiest of my life, too, yeah. It was the first relationship I've been in that I honestly thought had the potential to last forever. I'd never felt that before. So it really crushed me that he didn't see it the same way.

 

Yeah, as much as we feel angry or hurt at least we're rational enough to acknowledge that. They're not bad people and we loved them once. Things just change.

 

I'm glad and sorrowful that you understand my feelings so well. I know exactly how you feel.

 

I am having a rough day, thanks . I guess one of the other things I struggle with is how well I seemed to fit into his life. His parents were really great and they were so happy for him to have found a girlfriend. All his friends liked me too, and it's hard because a lot of them were mutual friends before we started dating who don't want to fault either of us, but now I'm staying away from all of them because most of them were his friends first and I'm not ready to face them as a group yet. Thinking of appearing in front of them as the girl who got dumped by their friend makes me feel really humiliated, and of course sad, and I'm not sure how I'll get beyond that.

 

I love walks, so I'd totally take you up on that if I could. It's so cold here though, so I haven't been out much lately.

 

Also, today I went to a bar with some of my coworkers after work. It was okay at first, but I find the later it gets the more I get sad and just want to go home . I kinda saw that coming, but I figured I'd try again today anyways.

 

We will. Thanks for being here

 

That's gotta be tough. Mutual friends are never an easy thing to deal with. Hopefully, they'll demonstrate some maturity and remain your friends. You have nothing to feel humiliated about though! These things happen and it's not like you did anything wrong. It sounded like it was something that just happened.

 

I wish we could. I took a long walk alone tonight and it was rough. We did a photo shoot with a friend at the park that I visited tonight a long time ago. It made me miss her laugh and it was like I was seeing her ghost everywhere. I don't know why I do this to myself.

 

Hey...be proud of yourself. You're way more badass than me. I spent my Friday night alone walking in the dark! You went out for drinks with friends and are making some real progress. I know the sadness always comes at the end of the night, but try your best to look at the positive side of the night. You got invited out. Other people want you around.

 

You're light years ahead of me

[Raina314]

That's good to hear, because honestly, I'm overthinking every move pretty hard. Yeah, I'm teetering on that edge right now.

 

Agreed. I used to pride myself on being a really logical guy who could make necessary decisions at a moments notice. Cool, detached, and willing to walk away if things didn't feel right. But now...I'm a goddamn mess.

 

I wouldn't describe myself as detached, but yeah, I get what you're saying. I've tried so hard to let go but it's like being possessed or something

 

 

That's an understatement. It pisses me off. I hate the feeling of being helpless. Yeah that sounds reasonable I guess. Just hurts that I was a casualty of her immaturity. It feels unfair given the work put into getting past that as a couple.

I guess being helpless isn't something that angers me as much as it just makes me feel...helpless, for lack of a better word lol. And tired. Today I just feel tired of fighting it. It almost feels easier to just resign myself to the fact that I'll never be free. Maybe it's one of those things you have to stop fighting in order for it to loosen it's grasp, but I have no idea .

 

And it is unfair. If she liked you enough to leave some one else for you, then she should've also been willing to put forth the effort to get past those issues. I often wonder how long people can be excused based off immaturity. I used to think now was high-time for it to be over, but I guess it's not :/

 

 

I live by just one philosophy when it comes to other people in my life:

 

"You can't say the wrong thing to the right person."

 

As Jack White would say "Sometimes, someone controls everything about you, when they tell you that they just can't live without you. They ain't lying, they'll take pieces of you and walk away, and take a part of you with them."

 

The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Intensity is overrated. Trust me.

I've never thought about it that way, and that's a good little quote.

 

And yeah, I've always known intensity is overrated, which is partially maybe why I tried to dial it back. I didn't want us to burn out too soon. But I guess regardless of what I tried to do, he has his own perception of everything and the light burned out for him. And my light is still burning, ugh...

 

I was actually asking about what you read that made you think that she wasn't good for me! lol.

 

But yeah, I completely understand where you're coming from with this. The end for us was really strange. She wanted a break, then I wanted to end things, and in the end it still wound up feeling like she broke up with me. I'm sure she's moved on and healed. I just want to feel like my normal, confident self.

Yeah, my guy wanted a break too. That was torture, just waiting to see if he'd come back but kinda knowing he wouldn't. I felt like I was dumped by my HS sweetheart even though it was my choice too, it is a really odd feeling. I think it's normal to feel that way if we still love them though. You can initiate a breakup and still be attached, and if that's the case, it'll hurt like crazy.

 

Thank you very much for saying all of that. It's really nice to hear that there are some women out there who might appreciate what I have to offer. I certainly don't feel like I'm above what she has to choose from, but I'm really grateful for the compliment .

You're welcome . There are definitely women out there who will appreciate you. You are right that hot girls always have a lot to choose from, but that doesn't mean you're not a good catch. It'll just take time to feel it again.

 

It's funny though, I'm 90% sure that I'm going to have an easier time finding someone who will like me than my ex. But I'm only like, 40% sure that I'll have an easier time finding love. To me, there are 3 "steps" to a successful relationship. 1. Finding someone you like. 2. Finding someone who likes you back. 3. Getting that person to stick with you. Right now, even though I'm not concerned about step 2, steps 1 and 3 seem impossible.

 

Check out the acoustic version if you do!

Will do!

 

Haha, it's not a saying! It's a stupid game we all played as kids. We would run up to someone and say "DON'T THINK ABOUT THE WHITE POLAR BEAR!!" and of course, your mind can't help but wander there. Telling yourself to keep your mind off of something is much the same, you know?

 

You're right though. You've gotta lose something to gain something. Just a basic principle of life.

Oh lol. I haven't heard of that! We had "the game" where the only object was to not think about "the game" when someone said "the game" and you lost if you did haha. But yeah, same principle.

 

I wish it weren't that way. I'm starting to wonder if they have to be exactly equal or something. I'm pretty sure the pain I've felt over these past few months is at least equal to the amount of joy I had when things were good, and that's discouraging

 

 

No...I doubt very much that it would. In the past, when I looked for answers with exes, the remedy was worse than the disease. Live with the itch, trust me.

Yeah. He told me I could text him and ask him any questions I had afterwards, but I never did. I really don't want him to know how much power he has over me. If there's any part of the breakup that makes me angry, I guess it's that. I hate that someone who doesn't even care about me can dominate me so completely without even trying.

 

 

Yeah, as much as we feel angry or hurt at least we're rational enough to acknowledge that. They're not bad people and we loved them once. Things just change.

 

I'm glad and sorrowful that you understand my feelings so well. I know exactly how you feel.

Yeah. It's just that acknowledging that fact makes it even harder to feel good enough, you know? Maybe that's also more of a girl thing though, I feel like in relationships women like to feel like "the prize" and guys like to get "the prize." For a guy, it's a good thing to reach for a woman "out of his league" but when women do that, we just feel pathetic and desperate. So acknowledging that he just lost interest and didn't want me anymore makes me feel like I'm not a prize and makes me feel ashamed of reaching for something higher than I can touch. I know that's all kinds of screwed up, but I can't seem to help it :/

 

 

That's gotta be tough. Mutual friends are never an easy thing to deal with. Hopefully, they'll demonstrate some maturity and remain your friends. You have nothing to feel humiliated about though! These things happen and it's not like you did anything wrong. It sounded like it was something that just happened.

 

I wish we could. I took a long walk alone tonight and it was rough. We did a photo shoot with a friend at the park that I visited tonight a long time ago. It made me miss her laugh and it was like I was seeing her ghost everywhere. I don't know why I do this to myself.

 

Hey...be proud of yourself. You're way more badass than me. I spent my Friday night alone walking in the dark! You went out for drinks with friends and are making some real progress. I know the sadness always comes at the end of the night, but try your best to look at the positive side of the night. You got invited out. Other people want you around.

 

You're light years ahead of me

They are pretty mature, yeah. I've been talking to one of them every now and then and none of them have anything against me. It just goes back to the not feeling like a prize thing. It's really shook my sense of value as a woman and since most of these friends are guys, it's even harder to face them.

 

Well, you didn't do it just to torture yourself, did you? I find walking is a good way to make me feel at least somewhat alive again, if nothing else. It's good to get out of your room and allow yourself to see the world. I always feel a little bit better when I walk, anyways.

 

Yeah, I know people still enjoy my company the same they did before the breakup, because at least in their eyes, I'm still the same person, so that is nice to know at least. But it was such a rollercoaster. I started off okay but I'm also really hormonal at this particular time so that screws with my perception and feelings about everything and I'm not even sure what I feel underneath all that today. Excited for it to go away in a few days. That's one thing I do envy about guys lol.

 

I've also got this one friend who I haven't spoken to in a while because I'm mad at her for a variety of reasons and idk if I still want to be her friend and she messaged me last night, so that also threw me off. I don't know how to deal with it right now.

 

How was your day?

[sorano]

Its crazy to see how these break ups affect us the same way. I am one month out of my gf breaking up with me. I still feel depressed a little. The weekends suck bc it was our time to do everything together. Now its gone.

 

My luck, last night, I had a dream of my gf and it ended up right at the weekend when im mostly depressed lol.

 

I saw her face so vividly. It was as if she was in front of my face. I was trying to talk to her and she wouldnt listen. so I was talking to a person who in my dream knew her and I was saying, I still love her, why wont she come back, what did I do. He replied if its meant to be she will come back. Then I woke up.

 

waking up, I felt so sad. The sun was shining but I was depressed. I dread every weekend now.

 

Two weeks ago, I woke up sunday morning early. same time my girl and I would wake up and start our sunday. I drove to the stores and places we would go to, walk the same path and just make pretend she was next to me. just writing this, I feel like crying.

[Raina314]

Yeah, that feeling of loss and depression is sadly pretty universal . I think weekends are hard partly because it just generally represents our time for ourselves and social lives, and that's the part that got most destroyed by the breakup in most cases. Our professional self doesn't really change that much.

 

It's been a while since I've had a dream where I felt like I was given some false hope, but yeah, I remember when I did have those frequently they were just awful. It was almost better to just not go to sleep because waking up and realizing the dreams weren't real was just agony.

 

I'm inclined to advise not doing those exact same routines that you did with her, but I'm of two minds on it because on one hand it's bad to remind yourself of her more constantly than you already do, but on the other hand it could be good to "reclaim" that routine as just your own. The more memories you make doing it as a single person, the less you'll associate it with her.

[sorano]

well said. its only been a month for me so I guess by doing that I felt that I would make myself feel better. But it didn't. just made it worse. I still love her yet, I hate her at the same time bc of what she did to me. I took the hook line and sinker.

 

OP, we all are going through the same thing. It sucks

[KarlaBay]

Im sorry for what has happened..i feel ur pain..u do feel disposable when someone cheats..especially when out of three serious relationships two had infedelity as in my cade..one with my husband of 12yrs n the other currently three yrs..unlike u i stayed..n i think it hurts worse..i was too scared to be alone..to lose my best friend..You did the smart thing..its way too hard to trust n feel loved when the one your with lied n disregarded your feelings in choosing to cheat...im hoping to get the courage to leave soon..being with him is hard n i cry almost everyday. Good luck to u..ur still young..n no it doesn't hurt any less but a quick lesson in life to not to waste ur time on certain people.

[Mr. Disposable]

I wouldn't describe myself as detached, but yeah, I get what you're saying. I've tried so hard to let go but it's like being possessed or something

 

I guess being helpless isn't something that angers me as much as it just makes me feel...helpless, for lack of a better word lol. And tired. Today I just feel tired of fighting it. It almost feels easier to just resign myself to the fact that I'll never be free. Maybe it's one of those things you have to stop fighting in order for it to loosen it's grasp, but I have no idea .

 

By detached I just meant...okay with being apart or not overly clingy. Yeah that's sort of how I feel. Maybe. Could be a case of what resists persists.

 

And it is unfair. If she liked you enough to leave some one else for you, then she should've also been willing to put forth the effort to get past those issues. I often wonder how long people can be excused based off immaturity. I used to think now was high-time for it to be over, but I guess it's not :/

 

I've never thought about it that way, and that's a good little quote.

 

And yeah, I've always known intensity is overrated, which is partially maybe why I tried to dial it back. I didn't want us to burn out too soon. But I guess regardless of what I tried to do, he has his own perception of everything and the light burned out for him. And my light is still burning, ugh...

 

Yeah...guess no one told her that. I wonder that too. Apparently at least 21 years.

 

I know...my light is too. But what can we do?

 

Yeah, my guy wanted a break too. That was torture, just waiting to see if he'd come back but kinda knowing he wouldn't. I felt like I was dumped by my HS sweetheart even though it was my choice too, it is a really odd feeling. I think it's normal to feel that way if we still love them though. You can initiate a breakup and still be attached, and if that's the case, it'll hurt like crazy.

 

Yeah...I definitely empathize with this. I wanted to marry this girl. It killed me to see that she felt that anything else could come before us. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I hear you, as things neared the end I sort of pulled the trigger, but it didn't make things any easier/better. I'm still completely smitten with her. How sad is that?

 

You're welcome . There are definitely women out there who will appreciate you. You are right that hot girls always have a lot to choose from, but that doesn't mean you're not a good catch. It'll just take time to feel it again.

 

She can have anyone. I'm pretty average, maybe even below. But thank you, I hope I can feel that again some day.

 

It's funny though, I'm 90% sure that I'm going to have an easier time finding someone who will like me than my ex. But I'm only like, 40% sure that I'll have an easier time finding love. To me, there are 3 "steps" to a successful relationship. 1. Finding someone you like. 2. Finding someone who likes you back. 3. Getting that person to stick with you. Right now, even though I'm not concerned about step 2, steps 1 and 3 seem impossible.

 

Never thought of it that way. I suppose that's true...

 

I wish it weren't that way. I'm starting to wonder if they have to be exactly equal or something. I'm pretty sure the pain I've felt over these past few months is at least equal to the amount of joy I had when things were good, and that's discouraging

 

I think it is absolutely an equal exchange. You've gotta give something up to gain something of equal value. What's gained is no longer love, but something that comes from the self.

 

Yeah. He told me I could text him and ask him any questions I had afterwards, but I never did. I really don't want him to know how much power he has over me. If there's any part of the breakup that makes me angry, I guess it's that. I hate that someone who doesn't even care about me can dominate me so completely without even trying.

 

Yeah, I agree with this. She said something really stupid to me during our last conversation. "Please be safe and find happiness." As if she honestly believed that I would hurt myself over her or something. I mean f*ck. I wasn't her ex and I was never that type of person. But it was so belittling. It really pissed me off.

 

Yeah. It's just that acknowledging that fact makes it even harder to feel good enough, you know? Maybe that's also more of a girl thing though, I feel like in relationships women like to feel like "the prize" and guys like to get "the prize." For a guy, it's a good thing to reach for a woman "out of his league" but when women do that, we just feel pathetic and desperate. So acknowledging that he just lost interest and didn't want me anymore makes me feel like I'm not a prize and makes me feel ashamed of reaching for something higher than I can touch. I know that's all kinds of screwed up, but I can't seem to help it :/

 

Honestly, it's not that different for a guy. I'd like to feel like the girl I wind up with thinks that I'm a catch. That not every dude would be loyal, hard working, honest, and great in the ways that I can be. I completely understand how you feel and it's not screwed up at all.

 

They are pretty mature, yeah. I've been talking to one of them every now and then and none of them have anything against me. It just goes back to the not feeling like a prize thing. It's really shook my sense of value as a woman and since most of these friends are guys, it's even harder to face them.

 

I'm glad to hear that. It's awful to not have anyone left after a break up. Trust me.

 

Well, you didn't do it just to torture yourself, did you? I find walking is a good way to make me feel at least somewhat alive again, if nothing else. It's good to get out of your room and allow yourself to see the world. I always feel a little bit better when I walk, anyways.

 

Sort of? It's hard to explain. I love walking there, but it's torture because everything there is connected to her. But I miss that connectedness. Feeling close to her in some weird painful way helps me hurt through this. In a forward feeling direction. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

 

Yeah, I know people still enjoy my company the same they did before the breakup, because at least in their eyes, I'm still the same person, so that is nice to know at least. But it was such a rollercoaster. I started off okay but I'm also really hormonal at this particular time so that screws with my perception and feelings about everything and I'm not even sure what I feel underneath all that today. Excited for it to go away in a few days. That's one thing I do envy about guys lol.

 

I've also got this one friend who I haven't spoken to in a while because I'm mad at her for a variety of reasons and idk if I still want to be her friend and she messaged me last night, so that also threw me off. I don't know how to deal with it right now.

 

How was your day?

 

I'm happy that you feel that way. That's a great place to start and whether you know it or not you're really making progress. Yeah, luckily I don't have to deal with that hormonal imbalance, but I sympathize with your troubles.

 

Just feel it out as best you can and if you think it's too much, be kind to yourself. You're a really smart girl. You'll figure it out.

 

My day yesterday was a mixed bag. Started out really great. Had a great vocal lesson and spent most of my day playing music and writing. But the evening was lonely. Today has been pretty good. Spent some time with my brother and one of our friends. My night is winding down. I'm feeling that itch again.

 

How about you? How has your weekend been? Are you hanging in there okay?

 

Its crazy to see how these break ups affect us the same way. I am one month out of my gf breaking up with me. I still feel depressed a little. The weekends suck bc it was our time to do everything together. Now its gone.

 

My luck, last night, I had a dream of my gf and it ended up right at the weekend when im mostly depressed lol.

 

I saw her face so vividly. It was as if she was in front of my face. I was trying to talk to her and she wouldnt listen. so I was talking to a person who in my dream knew her and I was saying, I still love her, why wont she come back, what did I do. He replied if its meant to be she will come back. Then I woke up.

 

waking up, I felt so sad. The sun was shining but I was depressed. I dread every weekend now.

 

Two weeks ago, I woke up sunday morning early. same time my girl and I would wake up and start our sunday. I drove to the stores and places we would go to, walk the same path and just make pretend she was next to me. just writing this, I feel like crying.

 

I know how you're feeling but do your best to breathe through it. Find peace where you can.

 

Have you tried venturing into anything new? Do you have friends and family who are close that you can talk to, to break up the routine?

 

Im sorry for what has happened..i feel ur pain..u do feel disposable when someone cheats..especially when out of three serious relationships two had infedelity as in my cade..one with my husband of 12yrs n the other currently three yrs..unlike u i stayed..n i think it hurts worse..i was too scared to be alone..to lose my best friend..You did the smart thing..its way too hard to trust n feel loved when the one your with lied n disregarded your feelings in choosing to cheat...im hoping to get the courage to leave soon..being with him is hard n i cry almost everyday. Good luck to u..ur still young..n no it doesn't hurt any less but a quick lesson in life to not to waste ur time on certain people.

 

Thank you, Karla. I'm very sorry to hear about your husband. That must be very hard for you.

 

Thank you for saying that. I wish you the best of luck too. We'll all be okay. It all just boils down to the willingness to keep fighting . Surviving. We'll all be happy again one day soon.

[Raina314]

By detached I just meant...okay with being apart or not overly clingy. Yeah that's sort of how I feel. Maybe. Could be a case of what resists persists.

That makes sense. I hate feeling clingy and I tried extra hard to not be, but "what resists persists" is right, because trying not to be only made it stick harder in my head.

 

Yeah...guess no one told her that. I wonder that too. Apparently at least 21 years.

 

I know...my light is too. But what can we do?

Apparently x(. It probably is my number one question regarding my future in romance though.

 

Yeah...I definitely empathize with this. I wanted to marry this girl. It killed me to see that she felt that anything else could come before us. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I hear you, as things neared the end I sort of pulled the trigger, but it didn't make things any easier/better. I'm still completely smitten with her. How sad is that?

It's sad in the sense that breakups are sad in a general way, but definitely not sad in a pathetic way. There's nothing pathetic about loving someone in itself, and it takes a really strong person to initiate a breakup with someone they're still in love with. I think it shows real strength and self-respect to be able to do that.

 

 

She can have anyone. I'm pretty average, maybe even below. But thank you, I hope I can feel that again some day.

I doubt that. Not to try to be bringing up the past too much, but it seems like your luck with getting girls hasn't been too bad . We all feel average or less after a hard breakup, and it does seem like our exes could have anyone they pleased. But I'm certain you aren't as replaceable as you think you are right now. You have a very full understanding of emotions and relationships that goes a lot deeper than what most people our age have to offer, and that goes a long way.

 

I think it is absolutely an equal exchange. You've gotta give something up to gain something of equal value. What's gained is no longer love, but something that comes from the self.

By what's gained, do you mean the positive feelings that are supposed to eventually show up after a breakup?

 

Yeah, I agree with this. She said something really stupid to me during our last conversation. "Please be safe and find happiness." As if she honestly believed that I would hurt myself over her or something. I mean f*ck. I wasn't her ex and I was never that type of person. But it was so belittling. It really pissed me off.

That does sound really condescending, and that would've pissed me off big time too. I mean, I already know my ex has power over me and maybe I am miserable, but if he pointed it out or assumed that it was more power than he actually *did* have, I might actually be angry enough to get over him faster.

Especially since she presumably knew you and she should've known that you wouldn't go do something foolish like that. I know they mean well when they tell you to be happy too, but it feels more like they just don't want to have to feel guilty about what they did. But like, you can't just dump someone and expect that they'll be happy because you want them to be. You surrender the right to tell someone how to feel when you give up your role as an SO.

 

Honestly, it's not that different for a guy. I'd like to feel like the girl I wind up with thinks that I'm a catch. That not every dude would be loyal, hard working, honest, and great in the ways that I can be. I completely understand how you feel and it's not screwed up at all.

That makes sense, and thanks for telling me that. I'm never sure quite how different guys and girls are, so it helps me to know where we're closer than I would've thought and where we aren't.

And yeah. People always tell you to not let your relationship determine your worth as a person so you don't get hurt if it doesn't work out, but I always wonder how possible that really is. In a way, I think there has to be some link there because otherwise you wouldn't ever feel like you had to try for your partner, and you should feel that way. I guess it's just a matter of balance, as it often is.

 

I'm glad to hear that. It's awful to not have anyone left after a break up. Trust me.

Yeah, I know :/. Speaking of those friends, one of them just invited me to come out in a few weeks cuz there's gonna be a big group thing and my ex is probably gonna be there. I feel like I should go cuz I can't hide forever, but if I do, I don't know how I should act. I don't know if I should be friendly and try to be myself because on one hand I feel like I have no right to be angry just cuz his feelings changed and he did try to leave it as "friends" when he dumped me, and on the other hand I feel like I should ignore him as much as possible because I'm angry he didn't try harder earlier on. He hardly ever called me and probably only answered 50% of my texts, even his friends complain about how hard it is to get ahold of him. So I'm angry because he wasn't there even when we were together, and his biggest failing as a boyfriend was not being a friend. So how can I now treat him like he's a friend when that was the part he was worst at?

 

Sort of? It's hard to explain. I love walking there, but it's torture because everything there is connected to her. But I miss that connectedness. Feeling close to her in some weird painful way helps me hurt through this. In a forward feeling direction. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

It does make sense, actually. I used that strategy to the extreme with my HS sweetheart and it didn't hurt in the long run. I was over him in about 6 months. It is tricky to explain it though. Maybe it's cuz if you feel like you're forgetting them you feel like you're lying to yourself, and it's easier to feel like you're making some progress when you're at least being truthful to yourself that you still want to feel connected. Maybe it goes back to that not resisting thing.

 

Just feel it out as best you can and if you think it's too much, be kind to yourself. You're a really smart girl. You'll figure it out.

 

My day yesterday was a mixed bag. Started out really great. Had a great vocal lesson and spent most of my day playing music and writing. But the evening was lonely. Today has been pretty good. Spent some time with my brother and one of our friends. My night is winding down. I'm feeling that itch again.

 

How about you? How has your weekend been? Are you hanging in there okay?

Thanks. I'm trying to.

 

And a mixed bag is certainly better than a purely sad bag, so that's good . I'm glad music is going well, and that you're enjoying spending time with people. It sounds like it was a pretty relaxing and productive weekend. Evenings always seem to be the most lonely. But for some reason Sunday evenings aren't as bad as Saturday for me.

 

As for my weekend, I don't even know O.o. I always feel relieved and sorta peaceful at the end of the weekend, and ready for work on Monday. But for the past 3 Saturdays or so, I've cried almost all day. It's definitely a cycle. Sunday night and Monday I feel calm and refreshed, Tuesday-Thursday could really be anything, Friday anxious and depressed, and then Saturday I crash really hard. Sunday is the aftermath day where I put it back together and start anew. But this Sunday was a little bit more stressful than usual because of that invite to go out in a few weeks. I haven't thought too much about what I'm gonna do when I see him again and it's stressing me out :/

[Mr. Disposable]

That makes sense. I hate feeling clingy and I tried extra hard to not be, but "what resists persists" is right, because trying not to be only made it stick harder in my head.

 

We've all got our insecurities in relationships. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I like when a girl is a bit more on the clingy side rather than detached. So believe me, some people will find that more attractive and you won't have to worry about it so much as a negative quality. Just be yourself.

 

Apparently x(. It probably is my number one question regarding my future in romance though.

 

Mine too...

 

It's sad in the sense that breakups are sad in a general way, but definitely not sad in a pathetic way. There's nothing pathetic about loving someone in itself, and it takes a really strong person to initiate a breakup with someone they're still in love with. I think it shows real strength and self-respect to be able to do that.

 

I suppose in that sense we were both strong. I dunno. The harder it gets to hate her, the tougher it is to move past love. I'd give almost anything to forget her.

 

I doubt that. Not to try to be bringing up the past too much, but it seems like your luck with getting girls hasn't been too bad . We all feel average or less after a hard breakup, and it does seem like our exes could have anyone they pleased. But I'm certain you aren't as replaceable as you think you are right now. You have a very full understanding of emotions and relationships that goes a lot deeper than what most people our age have to offer, and that goes a long way.

 

I appreciate you saying that. But honestly, this was the only girl I've ever dated who was just in a league of her own. I want to hate her, I'd love to find a whole bunch of ****ty things to say about her...but I just can't yet.

 

Maybe I need to try. With some honesty. I hope it's okay if I say these things here with you.

 

Okay. I'll start with the good. She's really intelligent, she's stupidly gorgeous, fun, hard working, savvy with money, and a really talented musician (I loved having a girlfriend that understood my love of music and desire to create, and she did it with me...). She was giving and sexy. She wrote me some really beautiful love letters while we were together. Being the guy who's typically the over romantic, it was really nice to be on the receiving end of that kind of thing. She inspired me to travel. This was big for me because I had a fear of flying when we met and she helped me face it. I felt like I wanted to see the world with her. She was, in my mind and heart, the perfect girl for me .

 

Okay, now the yang.

 

The bad: she had a severe case of undiagnosed OCD/germaphobia and it created a lot of problems for us. If I touched ANYTHING that average people wouldn't think about, I couldn't touch her. She hated her hands or face being touched if my hands weren't washed. It made me feel gross, like I was dirty or something. She cheated on her boyfriend to be with me and was really lousy to me throughout that time. I felt like she was ashamed of me and was hiding me from her friends and family. I felt like she tried to make me jealous. She would wear clothing that was pretty revealing sometimes when we would go out and if I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with it, she'd get angry with me. She was incapable of standing up to her father regarding her feelings for me. Near the end of our relationship, her and her parents doubts about my ability to support us in the future (i.e., money) seemed more important than our relationship/friendship and who I am as a person.

 

It hurt my stomach to write that. I guess I had two reasons for writing that.

 

1. To demonstrate to myself that she wasn't perfect.

 

2. But...to say that there was no one like her before. I'm not really confident that I could be with someone like her after. It felt like a fluke. I was in the process of becoming someone else when we met. Now I just don't know who I am at all.

 

By what's gained, do you mean the positive feelings that are supposed to eventually show up after a breakup?

 

Positive feelings are too fleeting to be an actual gain. I think what I'm referring to is a sense of knowing that not everyone has. It's a self awareness that runs deep and gives us a sense of where we stand before we get into the sh*t again. A situational awareness of sorts. We understand our human condition and can brave it without being destroyed by it.

 

So many people just react to things. They have little to no sense of self and do not understand what it means to take a look at oneself before coming to a conclusion. A growth of sorts.

 

That does sound really condescending, and that would've pissed me off big time too. I mean, I already know my ex has power over me and maybe I am miserable, but if he pointed it out or assumed that it was more power than he actually *did* have, I might actually be angry enough to get over him faster.

Especially since she presumably knew you and she should've known that you wouldn't go do something foolish like that. I know they mean well when they tell you to be happy too, but it feels more like they just don't want to have to feel guilty about what they did. But like, you can't just dump someone and expect that they'll be happy because you want them to be. You surrender the right to tell someone how to feel when you give up your role as an SO.

 

Yeah, I guess that should've been more of a push. Not sure why I'm still so goddamn soft when it comes to her.

 

Oh she knew. I made that crystal clear when we had talked about breaking up before. I feel embarrassed that I let myself be so hurt in front of her. But I would never hurt myself over another person. F*ck that.

 

Agreed. That should be on a plaque somewhere for dumpers.

 

That makes sense, and thanks for telling me that. I'm never sure quite how different guys and girls are, so it helps me to know where we're closer than I would've thought and where we aren't.

And yeah. People always tell you to not let your relationship determine your worth as a person so you don't get hurt if it doesn't work out, but I always wonder how possible that really is. In a way, I think there has to be some link there because otherwise you wouldn't ever feel like you had to try for your partner, and you should feel that way. I guess it's just a matter of balance, as it often is.

 

I'm happy to. As men, we get a bad rap for being these dogs without feelings who want to hump everything in sight. Honestly, I feel like we get more attached than women do. Women are great at that initial connection and feel it more intensely than we do.

 

But...once we're in, we can't let go worth a damn. It determines us. It's these types of breakups that turn us into those dogs of myth. This break up makes me want to go out, get f*cked up and sleep with anyone, just to numb my pain. But what's the point?

 

Equal exchange. Give up sadness and loneliness for cheap thrills and it's just a different kind of lonely. But, if I hurt a little, look deep inside of myself, and learn some new things, maybe, just maybe, I'll come out the other side a better man.

 

Yeah, I know :/. Speaking of those friends, one of them just invited me to come out in a few weeks cuz there's gonna be a big group thing and my ex is probably gonna be there. I feel like I should go cuz I can't hide forever, but if I do, I don't know how I should act. I don't know if I should be friendly and try to be myself because on one hand I feel like I have no right to be angry just cuz his feelings changed and he did try to leave it as "friends" when he dumped me, and on the other hand I feel like I should ignore him as much as possible because I'm angry he didn't try harder earlier on. He hardly ever called me and probably only answered 50% of my texts, even his friends complain about how hard it is to get ahold of him. So I'm angry because he wasn't there even when we were together, and his biggest failing as a boyfriend was not being a friend. So how can I now treat him like he's a friend when that was the part he was worst at?

 

Obviously, you have zero reason to listen to me and I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but I wouldn't go if I were you. You're not hiding, so much as licking your wounds. Seeing an ex in our condition is not good. It just reopens everything and we're not at indifference yet.

 

It doesn't sound like he was a very good boyfriend. It also sounds like you're still raw and hurting over that aspect of your relationship. Leave it alone and find some other time to hang out with these friends. I promise you, you'll regret facing him now if you decide to go.

 

It does make sense, actually. I used that strategy to the extreme with my HS sweetheart and it didn't hurt in the long run. I was over him in about 6 months. It is tricky to explain it though. Maybe it's cuz if you feel like you're forgetting them you feel like you're lying to yourself, and it's easier to feel like you're making some progress when you're at least being truthful to yourself that you still want to feel connected. Maybe it goes back to that not resisting thing.

 

Glad to hear I'm not insane. Yeah, I'm hoping that at about six months I'll be doing better. I'm just facing the memories and the feelings. Writing songs and going to our old spots helps me make peace with the ghosts.

 

Thanks. I'm trying to.

 

And a mixed bag is certainly better than a purely sad bag, so that's good . I'm glad music is going well, and that you're enjoying spending time with people. It sounds like it was a pretty relaxing and productive weekend. Evenings always seem to be the most lonely. But for some reason Sunday evenings aren't as bad as Saturday for me.

 

Thank you. Yeah, I suppose it was. Agreed. Not sure why it's so much worse.

 

As for my weekend, I don't even know O.o. I always feel relieved and sorta peaceful at the end of the weekend, and ready for work on Monday. But for the past 3 Saturdays or so, I've cried almost all day. It's definitely a cycle. Sunday night and Monday I feel calm and refreshed, Tuesday-Thursday could really be anything, Friday anxious and depressed, and then Saturday I crash really hard. Sunday is the aftermath day where I put it back together and start anew. But this Sunday was a little bit more stressful than usual because of that invite to go out in a few weeks. I haven't thought too much about what I'm gonna do when I see him again and it's stressing me out :/

 

I'm sorry, Raina. It's good that you're letting it out though. It's going to make all of the difference in moving forward. I admire that you can do that so easily. I have to drink or listen to really sad music to be able to cry. It's a great release. I promise you, you're getting better slowly.

 

Again, do your best to reconsider that outing with your friends! I know it sounds brave to go and meet with them, but you don't need that stress. It's going to set you back in your healing.

 

You're a wonderful girl. Have confidence in yourself that you're going to pull through. I wish my ex had a tenth of the self-awareness that you had. You're a catch and you're really going to be a wonderful partner to a lucky guy once you've healed up. Be kind to yourself , I'm rooting for ya.

[Raina314]

We've all got our insecurities in relationships. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I like when a girl is a bit more on the clingy side rather than detached. So believe me, some people will find that more attractive and you won't have to worry about it so much as a negative quality. Just be yourself.

Thanks. My first boyfriend always felt that I was nagging him when I asked to spend more time with him, and that really stuck with me. It's been one of my hardest habits to shake, so initiating is tough for me. But it's reassuring to know that not everyone will find that annoying.

 

I suppose in that sense we were both strong. I dunno. The harder it gets to hate her, the tougher it is to move past love. I'd give almost anything to forget her.

 

Do you feel it's gotten harder to hate her than it was before? And I know what you mean. They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference, but I feel like you have to get to hate before indifference a lot of the time. Indifference comes when you cool off afterwards.

 

 

I appreciate you saying that. But honestly, this was the only girl I've ever dated who was just in a league of her own. I want to hate her, I'd love to find a whole bunch of ****ty things to say about her...but I just can't yet.

 

Maybe I need to try. With some honesty. I hope it's okay if I say these things here with you.

 

Okay. I'll start with the good. She's really intelligent, she's stupidly gorgeous, fun, hard working, savvy with money, and a really talented musician (I loved having a girlfriend that understood my love of music and desire to create, and she did it with me...). She was giving and sexy. She wrote me some really beautiful love letters while we were together. Being the guy who's typically the over romantic, it was really nice to be on the receiving end of that kind of thing. She inspired me to travel. This was big for me because I had a fear of flying when we met and she helped me face it. I felt like I wanted to see the world with her. She was, in my mind and heart, the perfect girl for me .

 

Okay, now the yang.

 

The bad: she had a severe case of undiagnosed OCD/germaphobia and it created a lot of problems for us. If I touched ANYTHING that average people wouldn't think about, I couldn't touch her. She hated her hands or face being touched if my hands weren't washed. It made me feel gross, like I was dirty or something. She cheated on her boyfriend to be with me and was really lousy to me throughout that time. I felt like she was ashamed of me and was hiding me from her friends and family. I felt like she tried to make me jealous. She would wear clothing that was pretty revealing sometimes when we would go out and if I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with it, she'd get angry with me. She was incapable of standing up to her father regarding her feelings for me. Near the end of our relationship, her and her parents doubts about my ability to support us in the future (i.e., money) seemed more important than our relationship/friendship and who I am as a person.

 

It hurt my stomach to write that. I guess I had two reasons for writing that.

 

1. To demonstrate to myself that she wasn't perfect.

 

2. But...to say that there was no one like her before. I'm not really confident that I could be with someone like her after. It felt like a fluke. I was in the process of becoming someone else when we met. Now I just don't know who I am at all.

 

 

It's hard to talk badly about your ex because for so long it was your job to see the best in her and protect her, and the fact that you do that so well even after things went sour means that you're a very loyal and noble person. That's a very hard switch to flip. But yes, of course it's okay if you share those things.

 

It seems like she also wasn't sure who she was if her parents' opinions were getting in the way to the extent that they were. It would be one thing if they had legit reason to be wary of you, but you seem like an honest, hard-working guy and there's no inherent reason you shouldn't have dated.

 

You're right that there was no one like her before and you may not be with someone just like her. But, as hard as it is to face, the point is to be with someone who isn't like her after this. You did get a lot of joy out of the relationship, but I'll bet anything it'll be better with a girl who didn't see you as "the other man" from the get-go. It can be thrilling to be the bad girl for a bit, but most of us ladies want to be good girls and the fact that she didn't always feel that way probably messed with her head a bit. I know it felt like she was ashamed of you, but I'd be willing to bet she was more ashamed of herself than anything.

 

And I know you said the sex was amazing, which I fully believe, but the next girl who gets to date you will probably (at the very least) be way less picky about the cleanliness of your hands when you touch her. I don't know if it helps yet, but think of how much easier/nicer it might be to be able to touch someone who will just go with it and enjoy it without worrying about that. I know it's probably painful to picture someone else right now, but if I ever feel embarrassed around my partner, I also feel turned off so that helps me a little bit.

Positive feelings are too fleeting to be an actual gain. I think what I'm referring to is a sense of knowing that not everyone has. It's a self awareness that runs deep and gives us a sense of where we stand before we get into the sh*t again. A situational awareness of sorts. We understand our human condition and can brave it without being destroyed by it.

 

So many people just react to things. They have little to no sense of self and do not understand what it means to take a look at oneself before coming to a conclusion. A growth of sorts.

 

Ah, I see, I see. I guess for me that's a very powerful feeling so I put it in the "positive" column. I really hope to feel it again soon. But you're right, many people don't have too much of a sense of self and just act impulsively rather than having a personal code of ethical and "correct" (for lack of a better word) behavior that they try to stick to.

 

Life is much easier when you do have that sense, or at least some kind of code to stick to.

Yeah, I guess that should've been more of a push. Not sure why I'm still so goddamn soft when it comes to her.

 

Oh she knew. I made that crystal clear when we had talked about breaking up before. I feel embarrassed that I let myself be so hurt in front of her. But I would never hurt myself over another person. F*ck that.

 

Agreed. That should be on a plaque somewhere for dumpers.

 

Well, you did love her. Love does have a way of generating "soft" feelings, so don't be so hard on yourself. It's normal to not hate someone for one sentence, especially if it's someone you love{d). What matters is that you *do* have the good sense to not hurt yourself and she can't change that.

I'm happy to. As men, we get a bad rap for being these dogs without feelings who want to hump everything in sight. Honestly, I feel like we get more attached than women do. Women are great at that initial connection and feel it more intensely than we do.

 

But...once we're in, we can't let go worth a damn. It determines us. It's these types of breakups that turn us into those dogs of myth. This break up makes me want to go out, get f*cked up and sleep with anyone, just to numb my pain. But what's the point?

 

Equal exchange. Give up sadness and loneliness for cheap thrills and it's just a different kind of lonely. But, if I hurt a little, look deep inside of myself, and learn some new things, maybe, just maybe, I'll come out the other side a better man.

 

That's true. And I do think *when* men get attached, they do get more attached than women, yeah. But I think women get attached more often and perhaps more easily, maybe because we know it won't ruin us if things do go awry and since men get more intensely attached, they may be more skittish initially because of the greater "risk" involved.

 

It is interesting to me that so many people turn to casual sex to numb the pain though. For me, that's the most painful, masochistic thing I can imagine doing to myself. Last night I dreamed about it for the first time in a while and today was the most miserable Monday I've had in weeks because of it :/. It felt so real, and I hate that about dreams.

 

You'll definitely come out in the positive. You're on the right path. It's just a long, hard journey. But there are lots of lovely, mature women out there who would be happy to date you. I know it.

 

 

Obviously, you have zero reason to listen to me and I know you didn't ask for my opinion, but I wouldn't go if I were you. You're not hiding, so much as licking your wounds. Seeing an ex in our condition is not good. It just reopens everything and we're not at indifference yet.

 

It doesn't sound like he was a very good boyfriend. It also sounds like you're still raw and hurting over that aspect of your relationship. Leave it alone and find some other time to hang out with these friends. I promise you, you'll regret facing him now if you decide to go.

 

You have a good point. It's just that I've been licking my wounds for so long now. I know it'll hurt, but the first time I see him again is going to hurt no matter what and honestly, part of the reason I'm suffering so much is due to the anxiety of what I'm gonna do when I inevitably do see him again. Part of me just wants to get it over with so it won't be a big deal anymore.

 

And I think if I just do this and make it through, I may regain some confidence in my ability to handle this. I've felt so out of control for so long, he gets to go to all these events and I don't. I'm tired of letting him govern when I get to go out and have fun too, it's just another way he still has power over me. I want that control back. I don't want this sadness running my life anymore.

 

That said, you may be entirely right and I do value your input. If it goes terribly, I'll have learned my lesson and I won't do it again for a long time. But I think this is one of those things that I just have to try so I know where I'm at, and it is still almost a month away.

 

He was always great when we were together. But yeah, if we weren't in the same room, I often felt neglected and forgotten :/

 

 

Glad to hear I'm not insane. Yeah, I'm hoping that at about six months I'll be doing better. I'm just facing the memories and the feelings. Writing songs and going to our old spots helps me make peace with the ghosts.

 

 

You're definitely not insane. It can be easier to walk through this with your eyes open than with them closed.

 

 

I'm sorry, Raina. It's good that you're letting it out though. It's going to make all of the difference in moving forward. I admire that you can do that so easily. I have to drink or listen to really sad music to be able to cry. It's a great release. I promise you, you're getting better slowly.

 

Again, do your best to reconsider that outing with your friends! I know it sounds brave to go and meet with them, but you don't need that stress. It's going to set you back in your healing.

 

You're a wonderful girl. Have confidence in yourself that you're going to pull through. I wish my ex had a tenth of the self-awareness that you had. You're a catch and you're really going to be a wonderful partner to a lucky guy once you've healed up. Be kind to yourself , I'm rooting for ya.

 

Crying is a release if I've held it in for a long time. But it just got so frequent that it became exhausting. Sometimes I count the days/weeks I manage to get through without it. And thanks. I definitely am better than I was during the first few weeks, but I really feel like I've plateaued since then so it's nice to have someone tell me I'm getting somewhere.

 

I will think about it and see how I feel closer to the actual day. But I also already told one of them I'd come out and I really am tired of missing everything that's going on. I'm not ruling out that it may set me back, but I think that's a mistake I may have to make and learn from in this case.

 

Thank you . I wish I could feel my own self-awareness again. But I hope you're right, and I really, really appreciate you believing in me. I wish my ex had.

Edited March 1, 2016 by Raina314

[Raina314]

Update: I decided not to go to the thing. I thought I was ready/feeling more in control, but the past couple days have been really rocky. I keep getting really stuck thinking about the beginning and how great things felt and then I get really down .

In a way, I feel like I have to get over him one memory at a time. Like, it'll take me a long time to be able to think about one good moment we had together without getting sad, but every time another memory of him pops up I have to start all over with that one.

But you're right, it's not a good time :/. Maybe someday.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Raina314

[Mr. Disposable]

Update: I decided not to go to the thing. I thought I was ready/feeling more in control, but the past couple days have been really rocky. I keep getting really stuck thinking about the beginning and how great things felt and then I get really down .

In a way, I feel like I have to get over him one memory at a time. Like, it'll take me a long time to be able to think about one good moment we had together without getting sad, but every time another memory of him pops up I have to start all over with that one.

But you're right, it's not a good time :/. Maybe someday.

 

I think we all wonder what would happen sometimes. But it's all just wishful thinking. Smoke and mirrors.

 

The truth is, if we're still trying to look or not look like something while in front of them, we still love them. It's not worth the vulnerability.

 

The vulnerability you're trying to face needs to be reserved for yourself. It needs to happen in private and away from your ex/others who won't understand what you're going through. No one really can, except you.

 

People seem to think that a demonstration of strength after a relationship needs to happen in some big and/or public way. It's not a matter of ego. People sincerely feel like they've got something to prove to their ex's/society.

 

But that's nonsense. To believe that is to deny our self-esteem and self-worth. Remember: there's a big difference between self-esteem and other-esteem. Self-esteem is truly how we feel about ourselves. The things we know to be true that we love, value, and enjoy about ourselves as people.

 

Other-esteem is the gratification that we get from receiving praise, affection, kindness, etc. from others.

 

It's not that one is good and the other is bad, but rather that we mistaken the two for one another. Typically the latter for the former. This leads to disappointment and little to no sense of self.

 

As I describe this, know that I say this as a result of my own experience and not as someone immune to this condition looking in from the outside.

 

It's a really f*cked up way of looking at things. I started in that place. The further along I get in moving on, the more I realize it doesn't matter. Never in any breakup has it mattered what she (the other party) thinks. I won't look amazing to them if they do see me and by the time they change their minds and come around, if they ever have/do, it has always been and always will be too late.

 

In a break up, everyone is a loser. By definition, both parties have lost something. But that doesn't mean we have to feel like a loser in a socially pejorative sense. It happened. F*ck it. Don't play into timelines or expectations. Don't set them for yourself. It's a cruel game. Focus on the days when you don't think about it as much. See the progress, no matter how small, and revel in it.

 

You're healing. Be really, really nice to yourself. You're a crazy sweet girl, but you're wasting that beauty on a fool who wasn't wise enough to appreciate you. Don't think about someday. Just be here now. You're great as is.

[Raina314]

Yeah. I just feel bad because I feel like I'm making drama in the group when there shouldn't be any. It was supposed to be an amicable breakup. I never wanted to be angry, he wasn't angry, he just wanted to be friends and even though I know it's for my own good it really hurts to be the one who's the "problem" person in the group that people now have to work around. I feel like he tried his best to be considerate when dumping me and I'm being immature by still being upset. I feel like I'm the one unnecessarily getting in the way of just letting things be normal again.

 

There's a very fine line between self-esteem and other-esteem, I feel. On one hand, it is very important to have a strong sense of self independent from what others think of you. I used to have that on lock before I started dating my ex. But I do feel those two things are linked. If you love yourself and are confident with who you are that's great, but like you said, it's not that one is good and the other bad. You need both to a degree. If no one else has any confidence in you or respects you because your behavior towards others is lacking, then being confident in yourself isn't enough. And even if everyone around you is wrong about not having confidence in you for whatever reason, it's still really hard to have self-esteem. We require some feedback from others, because people are social creatures. It's a very delicate balance.

 

Where it gets tricky is I guess in situations like these, where you rely too much on one other person's opinion of you and subconsciously invalidate everyone else's/your own. It's funny, in the beginning of this breakup I actually didn't feel too much of a loss of self-esteem. I was devastated and confused, but I didn't think any less of myself because I knew it wasn't my fault. I still don't really think it was my fault on a logical level, but my self-esteem has definitely suffered over the past month in a way that it didn't at first and I'm not sure why.

 

It's really good to hear that you're further along with not caring what your ex thinks though, I'm glad to hear that . Has it generally been a good week for you?

 

And thank you . It's just hard to want to be here now when the past felt so much better and I figure the future has to be as well.

[Mr. Disposable]

Yeah. I just feel bad because I feel like I'm making drama in the group when there shouldn't be any. It was supposed to be an amicable breakup. I never wanted to be angry, he wasn't angry, he just wanted to be friends and even though I know it's for my own good it really hurts to be the one who's the "problem" person in the group that people now have to work around. I feel like he tried his best to be considerate when dumping me and I'm being immature by still being upset. I feel like I'm the one unnecessarily getting in the way of just letting things be normal again.

 

I'm gonna show you some love and be mercilessly supportive because you need to hear this so badly.

 

"Group drama" is not your fault, your responsibility, or in your control. Please, let this register. You can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Remember that. The way that friends or anyone else responds to your honesty right now is not your fault.

 

If the group sees you as a problem right now, maybe time away from them is not a terrible idea. I understand the draw to be social, but in all honesty it doesn't sound like it's been terribly helpful. Find a close friend who you can really trust and be honest with and explain your feelings. Establish a limit to how much you'll allow yourself to discuss whatever is hurting you.

 

Trust me, it's a good way to stop. Set aside time to obsess and then go work on other things.

 

There's a very fine line between self-esteem and other-esteem, I feel. On one hand, it is very important to have a strong sense of self independent from what others think of you. I used to have that on lock before I started dating my ex. But I do feel those two things are linked. If you love yourself and are confident with who you are that's great, but like you said, it's not that one is good and the other bad. You need both to a degree. If no one else has any confidence in you or respects you because your behavior towards others is lacking, then being confident in yourself isn't enough. And even if everyone around you is wrong about not having confidence in you for whatever reason, it's still really hard to have self-esteem. We require some feedback from others, because people are social creatures. It's a very delicate balance.

 

I agree with most of what you're saying and appreciate your perspective. Still, I think severing that link between the self and other-esteem as much as possible really is the best way to start healing. The degree of dependence between the two needs to shrink. Think of it as a ratio. Three parts self-esteem, one part other-esteem. Right now, things are a little out of whack for you. I only bring up this distinction for the sake of you being gentler with yourself.

 

Where it gets tricky is I guess in situations like these, where you rely too much on one other person's opinion of you and subconsciously invalidate everyone else's/your own. It's funny, in the beginning of this breakup I actually didn't feel too much of a loss of self-esteem. I was devastated and confused, but I didn't think any less of myself because I knew it wasn't my fault. I still don't really think it was my fault on a logical level, but my self-esteem has definitely suffered over the past month in a way that it didn't at first and I'm not sure why.

 

I feel this really illustrates my point. You're finding that your sense of self-validation became linked to your ex. It's a realization for all of us. I think we all start pretty strong and independent going into these relationships. But our sense of self often becomes tied to our partners. Pretty normal.

 

Maybe our experiences are totally different and I'm just talking out of my as*, but I'm finding that I'm gaining more self-esteem by focusing on little things:

 

My tattoos make me happy.

 

I'm getting much better at singing with every passing week.

 

I have a beautiful guitar that I love to play and play well.

 

I'm learning tons of new things about myself!

 

The more I focus on the little things that I can admire about myself, the less relevant her thoughts become to me. There's something there, but it has less of a hold on me. I'm sure I'm just on the up, but I've gotta believe the work that I'm doing is helping me along my way.

 

It's really good to hear that you're further along with not caring what your ex thinks though, I'm glad to hear that . Has it generally been a good week for you?

 

Thanks, Raina . I dunno. I approach indifference all of the time from different angles. It's there, but a blurry spot in my vision, I guess. It gave me the push I needed to get into some things that I'm really loving. I'm just trying to hold onto that with everything that I've got.

 

It's been okay. I've been spending a lot of time having fun with my buddies, doing my vocal exercises, and creating work for myself at work. Just staying busy to stay above water. The idea of all of these things falls into my brain sporadically throughout the day.

 

I have random flashbacks to different times we had together. They're mostly good memories. I just find that annoying, though. We got along well for most of our relationship and that frustrates me now, when it's there.

 

Anyway, how are you feeling today? Has your week been alright?

 

And thank you . It's just hard to want to be here now when the past felt so much better and I figure the future has to be as well.

 

No need to thank me. You've been really great to me and you deserve anything I can offer you. I completely understand how you're feeling.

 

The future is what we've got and things will be better for you. You're far too self-aware to not come out of this better. I know it's tough for you right now, but you're going to be such a catch for somebody one of these days.

 

Don't let this ruin your sense of self.

[Raina314]

"Group drama" is not your fault, your responsibility, or in your control. Please, let this register. You can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Remember that. The way that friends or anyone else responds to your honesty right now is not your fault.

 

If the group sees you as a problem right now, maybe time away from them is not a terrible idea. I understand the draw to be social, but in all honesty it doesn't sound like it's been terribly helpful. Find a close friend who you can really trust and be honest with and explain your feelings. Establish a limit to how much you'll allow yourself to discuss whatever is hurting you.

 

Trust me, it's a good way to stop. Set aside time to obsess and then go work on other things.

 

The group doesn't really see me as a problem and they've never been unkind to me, and that's why I feel bad about missing out. They've tried to make this as easy as possible for both of us and I just want to act normal again. I want to feel like the person I used to.

 

While I'm not always happy when I go out, I do feel defeated if I stay in too much. Going out at least reminds me that I'm capable of socializing and helps me remember who I was before (not with this group necessarily but in general). It stops me from getting lost in my own head. I am fortunate enough to have a few close friends who I can talk to about stuff. Understandably, they don't know exactly how I feel, I've realized that it's almost impossible to truly know how heartbreak feels unless you're in it at that very second. I've had some friends go through it when I wasn't and even though I'd experienced it before, it's hard to fathom the level of pain if you're not in it. They just want me to feel better.

 

I agree with most of what you're saying and appreciate your perspective. Still, I think severing that link between the self and other-esteem as much as possible really is the best way to start healing. The degree of dependence between the two needs to shrink. Think of it as a ratio. Three parts self-esteem, one part other-esteem. Right now, things are a little out of whack for you. I only bring up this distinction for the sake of you being gentler with yourself.

 

I was just thinking that. While both things are important, maybe I just have to sacrifice some of the weight I put on other peoples' opinions for the sake of efficiency (for lack of a better word) at this point. But most other peoples' opinions about me are more positive than mine right now, so I want to let that in. Just not the bit about my ex. It's hard to filter that stuff out.

I feel this really illustrates my point. You're finding that your sense of self-validation became linked to your ex. It's a realization for all of us. I think we all start pretty strong and independent going into these relationships. But our sense of self often becomes tied to our partners. Pretty normal.

 

Maybe our experiences are totally different and I'm just talking out of my as*, but I'm finding that I'm gaining more self-esteem by focusing on little things:

 

My tattoos make me happy.

 

I'm getting much better at singing with every passing week.

 

I have a beautiful guitar that I love to play and play well.

 

I'm learning tons of new things about myself!

 

The more I focus on the little things that I can admire about myself, the less relevant her thoughts become to me. There's something there, but it has less of a hold on me. I'm sure I'm just on the up, but I've gotta believe the work that I'm doing is helping me along my way.

 

I guess it is fairly normal. It's especially hard for me because a lot of those little things I've always liked about myself have to do with how well I interact with people. If I had to list my best traits and the things I like best about myself, my ability to be compassionate, understanding, kind, thoughtful, caring, etc... are all at the top, and since those are traits that I employ to keep my relationships together, I feel like it's those very things that I like best about myself that were "attacked" when I was dumped. And my ability to be those things has suffered as a result. I feel like the breakup has made me more selfish, less patient, etc... and I don't like that.

 

That said, I know I can get it back eventually, and I can be proud that at least I'm still doing a good job at work and I'm on my way to buying my first place. Maybe I just need to think about that for a little while. But work is so boring . I'll just think about the house lol.

Thanks, Raina . I dunno. I approach indifference all of the time from different angles. It's there, but a blurry spot in my vision, I guess. It gave me the push I needed to get into some things that I'm really loving. I'm just trying to hold onto that with everything that I've got.

 

It's been okay. I've been spending a lot of time having fun with my buddies, doing my vocal exercises, and creating work for myself at work. Just staying busy to stay above water. The idea of all of these things falls into my brain sporadically throughout the day.

 

I have random flashbacks to different times we had together. They're mostly good memories. I just find that annoying, though. We got along well for most of our relationship and that frustrates me now, when it's there.

 

Anyway, how are you feeling today? Has your week been alright?

That's awesome . It's great you can focus on other things better now. That all sounds really productive. Flashbacks are almost impossible not to have, I think. That's what sucks, cuz regardless of whether you're over someone or not, they were still in your life at one point and you always remember recent bits of your life as you go through your day, because that's just how thought works.

 

Remembering the good things is the hardest part, at least for me. Because they used to be go-to happy thoughts and now they're sad . But maybe they do eventually become happy again. I know they did with my other "main" ex, at least.

 

This week has not been so great. I'm really not sure what changes from one week to the next, but right now I just feel particularly tender and sad. I keep thinking about the good times and wondering if I'll be that happy again. I kind of know that I will, but I don't believe it right now.

 

No need to thank me. You've been really great to me and you deserve anything I can offer you. I completely understand how you're feeling.

 

The future is what we've got and things will be better for you. You're far too self-aware to not come out of this better. I know it's tough for you right now, but you're going to be such a catch for somebody one of these days.

 

Don't let this ruin your sense of self.

 

Well, I'm still grateful for the support, so I'll still be saying thank you lol.

 

I'm pretty sure my sense of self will return eventually. One thing that helps is looking at peoples' join dates in this section of the site and seeing that most of them are from within the past year. That's a reminder to me that people don't stay in this place for too long, so a brighter future is at least somewhere within reach.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Raina314

[Mr. Disposable]

It's been a few days since I've been here. I've been pulling it together, staying really busy. Like clockwork though...Sunday night rolls around and I'm back to the same old.

 

It's spring break. She always was an adventurous girl and my mind drifts away to where she might be. I remember being by the beach with her and gawking and her in a swimsuit. In disbelief that she was next to me.

 

I remember stopping by a gift shop and the guy behind the counter asking us if we were going to get married soon because we looked so happy together.

 

The brain can be a really stupid thing sometimes. Crazy the feelings that come up when you're thinking back. I wonder if she can visit a place like the beach without thinking of the two of us. I wonder if I'm on her mind as much as she's on mine.

 

I hate riding this wave of going from being in control of my emotions and being so incredibly productive, to not wanting to be at work and breaking and looking at a picture of her because I miss her smile.

 

When other people pine like this, I always think it sounds so sad and pathetic. I always seem to excuse my pining as me simply being romantic. Ain't nothing romantic about loving someone who doesn't love you back.

 

The feelings that come with taking stock of the time that has passed since the break up or telling myself that I should be over things by now are no more helpful. I tell myself that I can stay away or that I'll be fine, but it doesn't seem to make things much better.

 

Nicole, why did I have to fall in love with you? I'd give anything to erase the last two years of my life. I just don't know how to get it done.

 

Since you, I haven't felt good enough for anyone. Girls make passes at me, but it doesn't go anywhere. It can't because of me.

 

It feels like there's no easy remedy this time around. Like I'm kicking a drug habit and I can't switch substances to get better this time. I've gotta shake this cold turkey. How do I shake you? A drug would be easier.

 

At least with a drug, you know there's no one loving you back.

[Raina314]

Hey there. Im sorry to hear your week started off this way . Its hard not to remember the good times and I find myself wondering the exact same things. Our only trip together was to the beach and there was this crazy thunderstorm and we just stood outside in our swimsuits together, incidentally next to one of those ring boutiques, and got to watch the lightning hit the ocean. It was really cool. It was after I'd come back from a different, six week trip, and he took me out to the most fancy restaurant I'd ever been to as a welcome back treat. I also lost my virginity to him on that trip, and I felt like the luckiest girl alive. I always wonder if he thinks of me when he drives past or goes to places we used to go together, but he was always really forgetful so I kinda doubt it.

 

Thinking back like that is almost impossible not to do, because we're always consciously or unconsciously seeking happiness, so we go back to the nearest reference we have to it and even the good "recovery" days can't measure up to the happiness we had when things were good with our exes.

 

This week is fortunately a little better for me, but last week I was definitely where you are now. It's incredibly frustrating to not be in control of your emotions, and it has a nasty way of making you angry with yourself even when you have no reason to be. It's really hard to feel like you're making/have made progress when you're always going back and forth. I always feel like I haven't made any progress deep down when I know I'm not fully over it. It's like there's no middle ground of "better but not fully healed" and that anything in between absolutely crushed and fully healed is just an illusion. I guess the most you can do is just try to keep in mind that that's not true, and the fact that you had it together pretty well last week does mean *something* even if it feels like nothing now.

 

Love is probably the strongest drug precisely because it's human and can theoretically give back. Sometimes there's just absolutely no way to come out of it without dragging yourself through the dirt. For many of us, it's probably the hardest thing we'll ever do because nothing else will quite measure up, at least not for a while. And how are we supposed to feel better knowing that? How are we supposed to believe we're capable of being happier someday than we were at our happiest? It's like trying to imagine a color we've never seen before.

 

I think what gets me closest to being able to perceive that is actually by looking at other people whose relationships were successful and how happy they are. Looking at pictures of friends who got engaged/married is depressing on one hand, but on the other it makes me realize that I didn't reach the summit with my ex. I didn't even come close. He didn't even love me so that's a kind of joy I have yet to experience and therefore it can get better.

 

This strategy might not be terribly helpful in a lot of cases, and a lot of the time it doesn't even work for me. But just know that someday someone will love you too much to leave you, and that's an even greater height than your ex ever brought you to.

[Mr. Disposable]

Beautifully said, Raina. I'm having a tough time shaking this now...but I know your words will stick with me.

 

Thank you for empathizing with me. Just having a bit of a meltdown today. I feel stuck in my job, I hate being here, where we met, and I'm feeling suffocated. Trapped.

 

I feel a bit like breaking down today and I haven't in a long while.

 

Fu*ck it's gonna be a long day.

[Raina314]

Thanks .

 

And no problem. I used to work on campus too and that's where he asked me out. I got a new job shortly before we broke up, and even though I still have old coworkers there who I'd kinda like to go see, I can't make myself go back cuz it'd be too painful. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to be there every day.

 

Breakdowns are natural. And like you said before, they can be somewhat of a release so once you're home its not a bad idea to just let it happen. For me the beauty of it (if I can even say that) is that once I'm at my lowest I lose the fear of falling lower, and that somehow enables me to come back up.

 

Either way though, I hope your day improves, even if it's just a little bit.