Is my "husband" having an affair and what do I do?

[dresden]

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. I don't say "husband" because we have never been legally married, which is a problem in our state. Common law marriage is not recognized here. This is issue #1. I have wanted to get married for several years now and there is always a reason why now is not a good time - usually financial. BTW, we have a 10-year child as well as two teens from my first marriage.

 

Every night this week he has come home very late. Twice because of business meetings, twice because of events related to his business, and once because he decided to go to the market 25 minutes away from our home after work. Every one of these events were last-minute. Issue #2!

 

He has undergone a big behavior change since his father's death last year. He began dressing differently - more formally than his usual khakis and polo shirts. Although we have walked together daily for the past 14 years, he decided to take up running and try to make it into a marathon. He has also become a partner in a business in Florida - we live in New England. He thinks we'll become bazillionaires from it. I was not consulted about this investment. He invested money he received from his father's estate. That's okay, but I have an outstanding long-term debt of $3000 that I asked him to please finally pay off when he got his money. Of course, this has not happened. Issues #3, 4, 5, etc.

 

I have been a homemaker all this time. He has been a good provider. We have been best friends and still very passionate about each other. We have had a happy family life, as far as I know. I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. Part of the problem is that I haven't worked all this time (per his preference) so I have no bank account of my own, no money, no credit, etc. I can't just pack up and walk. Also, our home is in his mother's name so I can't claim half of it (she's a real piece of work herself).

 

We still sleep holding hands. He is very kind and solicitous when we talk. I can't decide if he is having an affair or not. He is not getting any strange emails or phone calls that I know of.

 

I'd appreciate any insights at all, except for those insights about putting too much trust in one person - that one I have figured out. Thanks.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He has undergone a big behavior change since his father's death last year.

 

Sometimes the death of a family member like that can cause a person to re-evaluate their own life. They begin to think: 'what if this is all there is, and I die without doing ___ with my life' and then they begin to make some sometimes drastic changes, including lifestyle changes (trying to get more healthy/attractive/etc, considering abandoning things they think may not be what they really want to do with their life. They may make choices in their lives that seem ultimately selfish (ie: him doing all this stuff with money without helping you out with your financial problem) in an attempt to jumpstart their own interests. Is he cheating? Maybe, maybe not - but one thing is sure, he's showing signs of outgrowing his current lifestyle and trying to take his life into different directions - directions that seem to be more 'him' and less 'you and he' types of decisions. While a situation like this might leave someone wide open for considering a new partner - it may not necessarily be the case here. However... given his behavior, it would be foolish to discount the possibility.

 

You'll want to cautious, but not paranoid. Look for some red flags, but don't read red flags into places where they may not necessarily be. Keep an eye on the late nights out. Ask objective, non-confrontational 'innocent' questions, and see if things begin to stop adding up. If you find out there is a female 'friend' involved in this business venture that he has been going to these 'business meetings' with - you may want to begin thinking more toward the 'red flag' category.

 

Keep track of these 'meetings' and note down times, days, etc.

Keep track of 'going to the store' when it takes longer than it should, or he goes somewhere out of the way.

Keep an eye out for more computer time, or computer time he makes a point of passwording you out of - or seems secretive about.

Ask about your finances - be in the know about your money, and where it is going to.

Keep an ear out for odd-time phone calls, or a new cell that he spends a lot of time on.

Note down any sudden or unusual changes in your sex life.

Is he drinking on these 'business meetings'?

Note any changes in how he treats you - even things that might seem insignificant like 'distance'.

Be aware of female 'friends' or 'associates'.

Note down if he got defensive or angry toward your questions, and what it was he got defensive/angry about.

 

Now, these are things to note down casually as you notice them. Keep track of them, even if you are journaling.

[JadeStar]

I agree with LB, however, I think one of things that caught my attention was when you said he decided at the "last minute" to go to a supermarket 25 minutes away. Did he say why, or did you ask why he decided to go to another supermarket? I take it thats not the one he normally goes too. I'm not saying he didn't go to that supermarket, justg odd he would all of a sudden go to anothwer one thats 25 minutes away. Maybe they had some really good specials.

 

 

 

Jade

[dresden]

Thanks, Lucrezia, for your good advice. I have started keeping the journal, noting

things already. He and I had a talk Saturday night, when I feel I hit rock bottom and began feeling a little...well, suicidal. He apologized for upsetting me and promised me there is no one else. He is a little single-minded about making money right now, and we talked about that too. We had a pretty good Sunday together, walking on eggshells a bit. But again, another unscheduled meeting, this one with his lawyer while I attended an afternoon party given by some friends. Yes, he met with his lawyer on a Sunday. I have a "hmmmmm" feeling about that one.

 

So I am still feeling fragile and uncertain. I guess I'll have to trust him for a while longer.

 

And Jade, thanks for making me laugh! He went to this other market (Whole Foods) because they are the only place that carries his special vitamins. (He has food and health issues - lots of exercise, as I said, and lots of new fussiness about what he eats.) Yeah, it's a lot of work. Geez, menopause ain't nuthin' on male midlife crisis!

 

It was so good to know you two listened and took the time to help. Thanks.

[Mr Spock]

You're in a situation where you are completely dependant on him, and that is never good. Once a person in a relationship holds all the cards (or at least think they do) they tend to abuse it.

 

 

Our deepest suspicions usually turn out to be valid. No one can say if he's having an affair or a mid-life crisis or both. LB has some good detective work tips there. Keep us updated.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by dresden

I have a "hmmmmm" feeling about that one.

 

 

Dresden,

 

I am glad you are feeling better and don't want to worry you, but trust your gut instinct. This has been said many times on this site and has turned out to be true. You are feeling fragile because as Dr Spock said, he holds all the cards. You need to work on this a bit. Start to do somethings for yourself too.

 

Sylvia

[sylviaguardian]

By the way, I don't any lawyers who meet clients on Sundays.

[dresden]

Oh, it's been a bad week so far. Since his Sunday "lawyer" meeting (and you are right, Sylvia, about meeting lawyers on Sundays - I checked with a legal secretary friend), I have tried to be very accommodating - you know, lots of homecooking, asking if he needs help with the business, etc. Everything was okay on Mon. and Tues., just him coming home from work at 8:30 at night instead of 7. But yesterday he came home from work at 8, grabbed his dinner after saying hello to me, then went to watch his sacred Rred Sox game. When his mother called him during the game (!), I listened to him chat and laugh with her and realized it's been a long time since he and I have done that. I asked him last weekend if he would consider couples counseling - he said he'd rather drink acid.

 

Now this afternoon again he calls and says he has been invited to a last minute business dinner and would I mind if he went. We spoke about 30 words between us today and my first reaction was "Fine, go, what does it matter?" Then I called him back and told him not to come home and to start looking for another place to live. He didn't say anything and I said, "Are you there?" And he said, "I'm just listening to you." That's when I hung up. He hasn't called back.

 

Gosh, it's really coming to an end, isn't it? I have been looking for a job this week, and now I guess I better get really serious. Our ten-year old is getting angry with him. She sent him an email saying that she would like to spend more time with him doing stuff like hiking and nature walks. Usually when he tells her he will spend time with her, he takes her clothing shopping for an hour then brings her home. He's disappointing us all.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. I feel pretty calm, just angry and a little sad.

[sylviaguardian]

Hi Dresden,

 

I am sorry - this is tough. It seems like something is going on. Is there anyway you can check out the things he says. Can you phone the office after to seven to see if he is there. Instead of just going along with it, you need to find out what is really going on.

 

 

Gosh, it's really coming to an end, isn't it? I have been looking for a job this week, and now I guess I better get really serious.

 

Not necessarily. What is coming to an end is your husband doing exactly what he likes. His silence on the phone might not necessarily be him agreeing that he doesn't want to come home. Often when we are silent, it is because we are thinking about what the other person has said. It might be the first time that your husband has had a hard look at what he is doing. This might be too late for you, but when he phones don't immediately welcome him back. Tell him how fed up you are with the situation, that you want some answers.

 

In the meantime, get that job. look after yourself. get yourself empowered. You don't have to put up with this.

 

Sylvia

[CurlyIam]

Talk to him, he's in his own world right now. Maybe he's only obssesed with making money. Tell him you suspect his having an affair. Don't let him off the hook that easily, make him face the consequences of his deeds.

 

People do get into phases in their life, maybe that's his toughest one. The thing is... it's when he needs your support most, because he's that obssesed that he's becoming vulnerable.

 

Confront him over his behaviour and see what he tells you. Only after that, draw your conclusions.

[dresden]

Hi All.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised but I am amazed at the support and good advice you are all offering me. As a suburban homemaker soccer mom, I don't have a big support network so listening to all of you is very calming.

So...yesterday I asked him to go with me to get a marriage license today and he asked if he could think about it. After 14 years together!! Of course I cried (a lot) but we had a really honest talk for once. His business hasn't been as good the past two years mainly due to New England's awful winters these past 2 years (many small businesses in our town are suffering or closing this summer). He is very concerned with making more money.

We talked about my moodiness (I am 48 and getting near to menopause and it is making me a little crazy, I admit).

We ended up deciding to not make any decisions about our relationship now, but to treat each other as the good friends we have been and to care for our children and home. The funny thing is that the rest of the day was very calm and we actually talked a lot about inconsequential things like we used to. (BTW, he also promises there is no other woman.) I feel better in a funny way.

However, you are all right about one thing - I need to be prepared for what is coming, whatever that may be. So today I am going to the library to see about classes for Microsoft Office stuff (we have a Mac), and I am going to the mall to apply for any job I can do now until I get up to speed on the computer. I used to be a legal secretary and office manager, and I would like to do that again.

I have a plan, I feel strong and ready for what's next, and I am even open to a new relationship in the future. Keep your fingers crossed for me. And thanks to you all again.

[sylviaguardian]

Good for you Dresden. One thing is for sure, no-one else can make you happy. You have to do it yourself. Keep going in this vein and you will get more confidence and and be stronger whatever happens.

 

Sylvia

[sylviaguardian]

....but I found a really great website.It's called coping.org and has loads of exercises on building self-esteem, relationships, co-depency etc. Plus how to care for your inner child -awwww!

 

Sylvia

[dresden]

Sylvia, thanks for the info about the coping website. I will take a look.

We are coping here. It's very day-to-day. He is opening up more, talking

about things. His financial problems are kind of overwhelming him, I think.

So I am trying to be supportive and understanding while also planning for

a possible future without him.

 

Arrrggghhhh! I don't like change! (Well, undesired change anyway. I am

always up for redecorating a room.)

 

This is messy and hard. Thanks again.

[kkat]

I hope you don't mind hearing from an (ex) OW here in response to your post.

 

First of all, I am sorry you are having such a very hard time of things.

 

I would encourage you to not be paranoid or assume he is having an affair, but likewise, don't assume he is telling you the truth about it either. The bottom line is that alot of his behaviors smell like a rat....

 

I know in my situation, and many others, the Wife had zero idea there was an affair going on. In many other cases, the Wife had very good reasons to be suspect, but preferred not knowing the truth and therefore ignored the obvious signs.

 

If you see the warning signs, be smart and find out what's going on. Don't ask him again if he is having an affair - that will just make him watch his tracks more.

 

Ideas:

 

Open up a credit card and bank account in your own name today. That will allow you to establish a credit record for yourself, something you need whether you stay with him or not.

 

Meet with an attorney without him knowing. DO NOT TELL HIM. Pay in cash, and just go and find out what your basic rights are and get some advice.

 

Consider finding a way to squirrel away some money week by week so that you have a bit of security blanket for yourself.

 

See your doctor and find out if there is something you can do to ease the symptoms of stress/pre-menopause.

 

Find out if he is cheating but don't tell him your findings until after you have met with an attorney. If you don't find any evidence, still keep it under your hat for now. If you don't want to hire a PI right now, there are a zillion ways to track a good cheater. My ex-MM has been involved with me for 2 years and his wife has ZERO idea...I can tell you there are a zillion things these guys do to cover their tracks and they all have cracks in their lame and lying systems.

 

Good luck.

[dresden]

Those are good suggestions. I have been thinking about going to an attorney just for the reason you suggest. I also think I had better go get a job of any kind and open the bank account as you said.

 

Thursday night he went to a "business meeting" and came home drunk. Last night he told me he needed a night away to think and be by himself so he spent the night in Boston. It's 9 a.m. and he hasn't called home yet. He usually opens his business at 10 so I expect him to come home soon for a change of clothing. Everything says he's cheating except for his behavior toward me when we are together. He is kind, apologetic, and trying to talk to me more.

 

But maybe I am just not facing the truth. Maybe it's time for me to toughen up and get real. I do have three kids to consider and my youngest is sending me emails about how much she loves me and will always be there for me. Sweet and sad at the same time.

 

Thanks. You've made me think a little harder about all of this.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Thursday night he went to a "business meeting" and came home drunk. Last night he told me he needed a night away to think and be by himself so he spent the night in Boston.

 

I think its pretty apparent now what is going on. Just lay low, don't let him know you are on to him and get your ducks in a row legally and financially. Tell your lawyer what it is going on - tell him all of your suspicions. No doubt he's heard the same sad story many times and can advise you on the next step(s).

 

Everything says he's cheating except for his behavior toward me when we are together. He is kind, apologetic, and trying to talk to me more.

 

I expect that is making it difficult for you to "toughen up and get real". Which is probably in part what it is designed to do. I'm not saying that he is lying about how he feels about you - I have no doubt he really does love you in his own way - but... sometimes love is not enough to keep us from taking that fall with someone else.

[kkat]

He is kind, apologetic, and trying to talk to me more.

 

Unfortunately, his being kind is just one of the classic warning signs of an affair.

 

You really need to get to an attorney right away -- remember this is not necessarily an attorney you have to work with long-term -- just someone who can give you some immediate, qualified advice on your next steps. In other words, if you don't have time right now to research and qualify the very best attorney for you, just go see someone with experience in divorce cases, and get some initial advice.

 

And definitely get your emotional well being and state in check so that you don't blow your cover with him....he isn't being honest with you; this is unfortunately not the time for you to be honest with him about what you are doing to protect yourself.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this, and don't want to see you get an even more unfair rub of things if your relationship can't be saved because you are not legally married.

 

Good thoughts.

[dresden]

It's 4:30 a.m. I haven't slept more than an hour tonight. He is spending a second night at the Boston hotel. He came home yesterday morning for 15 minutes to see our daughter. He gave me a huge long hug and kiss, held my hand, and told me point blank that he is not having an affair and that if he was, he would tell me. I believe him on this. When he left to go to work, he started to cry and said he was so afraid he was going to lose me. I felt so good all day. I knew he had to work late into the evening but I expected him home. So...he called around 5 and said he wanted to stay one more night away from home, that he needs the space to think and sleep.

 

I asked him to please come home, that running away wouldn't solve our problems. But he said he needed another night to think. He also said he would rethink staying away and call me later.

 

Of course, he didn't call, didn't answer his cell when I tried to reach him. I figured out around 12:30 a.m. that he wasn't coming home.

 

When I spoke to him at 5, I collapsed on the kitchen floor and sobbed and wailed. I couldn't control it. My older daughter sat next to me and held me and my younger daughter went outside.

 

I was prepared to apply for a job at a local store when he came home for that short time. He told me I don't need to get a job, that he'll take care of me. He was very loving. So like a FOOL I did not go to apply for the job. Here I am again, sleepless, alone, wondering over and over what I did wrong.

 

I need some of Lucretia Borgia's poison, I think. I have thought fleetingly of suicide. I know it would devastate the kids, so that's not a choice. Around 2 this morning, I filled out a profile on Match.com. Rushing things? Yes, but I need some reassurance that there is another relationship out there for.

 

In the meantime, I have remembered that I am a signatory on his business account, so I will transfer some of that money Monday morning to an account of my own. I also will go ahead and apply for that job.

 

He is willing to go to counseling. Does anyone think this will work?

 

Thanks for the good thoughts. This is giving me an outlet for my pain.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He is willing to go to counseling. Does anyone think this will work?

 

The very fact that he is willing is at least on some level hopeful. It may work, but it is going to require that he is actually in it for real, and not just placating you so that he won't lose you.

 

I wouldn't rush right into the Match.com stuff. One of the first things that you may find yourself doing is wanting to feel attractive again, and wanted - but as long as deep down it is your husband that you want that from, you won't find it from anyone else.

 

Get him to go to counseling. Take everything that you have documented with you to counseling and tell the counselor about it, and that you think he is having an affair. Basically your confrontation will be done right there in the session. He might be able to convince you that nothing is going on, but he won't be able to pull one over on a counselor who has seen it all.

 

He gave me a huge long hug and kiss, held my hand, and told me point blank that he is not having an affair and that if he was, he would tell me.

 

I was told pretty much the exact same thing. The distance a WS will go to hold on to a BS while maintaining an affair is enormous. Even if it includes blatant (but kind sounding) lies. Your H sounds like he genuinely does love you, but love sometimes isn't enough to keep someone from falling. It sounds like he fell, and he feels guilty for that - but at the same time is drawn out again and again. I find it very, very far-fetched that he is going out like this and getting drunk by himself, booking hotel rooms by himself, taking late and odd hour meetings by himself, and so on.

 

Hopefully in counseling, you can confront him with this - and he will crack and you two can begin the healing process. The time is now to let him know that if the marriage isn't on the path to being TRULY fixed (meaning he reveals what he is doing and puts an end to it), then the only other option is divorce.

[dresden]

We spent today together with our daughter at a dog event. We all came home exhausted and after dinner he all of a sudden announced he had to run to CVS

for toothpaste and to his office to leave something for someone. I said I need

to go to CVS too and hopped in the car. At CVS, he said oops, I forgot to bring

the thing I have to leave and I'll have to go back home. I said fine, I'll wait in

the car and take a ride with you. Then he point blank said he needed some time

alone, that he feels "weird" and would I please stay home. He said he'd be

right back, he wasn't going to spend the night away again. I cried a little, and

said I would stay home. He left. My son is driving by his office right now to see

if he really is there. He also took our digital camera just in case. So we'll see.

 

I guess I'll make that counseling appointment tomorrow, along with a lawyer

and a job.

 

I wish he would just go if that's what he wants. I am worn out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

At CVS, he said oops, I forgot to bring

the thing I have to leave and I'll have to go back home. I said fine, I'll wait in

the car and take a ride with you. Then he point blank said he needed some time

alone, that he feels "weird" and would I please stay home.

 

 

It makes me angry to see someone get treated like that.

 

At this point, you may want to ask the lawyer about a PI while you are at it.

[kkat]

Please hire a PI. It's not healthy, or safe, for your children to be sleuthing him out - you don't know the details (what if he's involved in drugs or something or what if the OW is a psycho or a man...I am just saying there are lots of possibilities here for danger....).

 

You know he's lying about something and you need to find out the facts and have proof. A professional P.I. can make it happen quickly and for less money than you think.

 

I didn't mention this in my earlier post, but years ago, when I lived with my double-ex MM, I suspected he was stalling on his divorce and might be contemplating going back with his wife. I hired a PI. In one afternoon, and for $300, I got proof he was lying to me. I knew the reality, as you likely do, but I needed to see the facts to move on.

 

(Unfortunately, I moved on for only seven years and got an itch to slam my face against that same brick wall again....)

 

Please keep in mind that this isn't about you, or even your husband's love for you. It is about his inability to be honest with you and/or faithful. My ex-MM loves me in a wierd way, but he really loves his wife in a more important way and will never leave her again. But he lies to her, either directly or indirectly, by having a physical, and now emotional, affair with me - the one woman on this planet she absolutely hates - me - the woman he left her for years ago. He loves her, that's what is so crazy -- but he would go to any length to avoid getting caught, including lying to her night and day. Your husband will do the same thing.

 

 

Good luck to you. This is just awful and I am sorry for your situation.

[dresden]

My problem is that all the money comes from his small business. I have no independent income. He also wrote a check for our daughter yesterday for $86 and said "I hope it doesn't bounce." So $$$ for an attorney and PI will hard to come by.

 

Sunday night he came home. I confronted him about not being where he said he would. He said he had gone for a drive to calm himself then went to the business. He was gone about 1/2 hour in all.

 

Last night he again called me at 7 and said he had a business meeting but wouldn't be home late. When he got home at 11:30 (late in my book) I conversationally asked where his meeting had been held. He got a little smile on his face, stepped back a few steps and went into the bathroom. After a few minutes he said at a local restaurant we both detest. I commiserated about having to eat their bad food. Woke up at 4 a.m. remembering that this place is closed on Mondays.

 

We talked a bit more this morning. We walked together. I apologized for distance and crabbiness and so did he. Big hug and kiss when he left. I fully expect to get a phone call in the next few hours saying he has to be somewhere and won't be home for dinner again.

 

He is talking about moving to Costa Rica. He is gathering info on it. He has huge tax problems and feels overwhelmed by them. He asked if I would move to Costa Rica yesterday, and I said yes.

 

But today while walking I thought, I don't want to move to Coast Rica. I realized that this is who he is now. He is having a major crisis. I can be supportive but he is lying to me (and getting a malicious pleasure out of it too) and I can't trust him. However, I can change my response to this situation.

 

I went to our local library and the reference librarian is going to help me learn all the new software that's come out since I last worked 14 years ago. (We are Mac people.)

I was offered a job at a local department store but I turned it down because the pay was small and the hours uneven. I am looking at a future without him. He can do what he wants. I just don't care anymore. I can't let my health be affected like it was these past days. I can't be suicidal because I have children to consider.

 

So is he sleeping around? I don't think so, honestly, because I do believe he would have told me when I asked. But he is looking for an escape from his problems and I can't help him. If he wanted to work through it together, I would do whatever it took to help. He is choosing a path away from me and I have to find my own new way.

 

I will keep you updated but I think the drama is over because I refuse to respond to it anymore. But gigantic thanks to everyone, especially Ms. Borgia, for counseling and listening and caring. That has made a huge difference in this crisis. I am isolated but there you all were for me, feeling my pain and holding my hand. I might have done something stupid if I didn't have you all to talk to. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[shygurl]

So if it's not an affair (and I'm not convinced it isn't), could it be that he's gotten himself into some really hot water financially...such that all these late business meetings and overnight trips and last minute drives to the store are really to do with him having gotten involved with some shady characters to try and sort out his financial situation? Is his desire to move to Costa Rica about him wanting to "hide out" as well as make tax-free money? Could his weird behavior be related to him being involved in some kind of criminal activity that's some last resort to bail himself out of his financial mess? Does he owe some bad ass loanshark some money?

 

You didn't confront him about his lie that he'd been to a restaurant that you know for a fact wasn't even open on a Monday. How come?