Is my "husband" having an affair and what do I do?

[dresden]

I didn't confront him about the restaurant yesterday because frankly, I'm exhausted by it all. I haven't eaten or slept since this whole episode began last Thursday. I've been physically ill.

 

However, this morning I said to him, "No more lies. That's all I ask. Because the (restaurant) is closed on Mondays. I called to check." He got a pained look on his face but didn't say anything.

 

Ironically, after that, the rest of our morning was almost normal again. He asked me to go out with him tomorrow night when we will have a babysitter. He was open and talkative and jokey. I feel he has passed a crisis of some type.

 

Honestly, if he's having an affair, I just don't want to know. I have driven by places where he is supposed to be and when he's not there, I have been devastated. I have taken my child with me. That's stupid.

 

If he's cheating, I won't stay with him but I don't want to sacrifice my health. So if we are status quo for the summer and then in the fall I can go back to work, I will be calmer about our relationship. That's the choice I have made for now.

 

He is keeping me apprised of his schedule now instead of just disappearing. I am aware he has lied a lot this past week and I am attuned to it. I fully expect it. But I don't want to immediately feel like killing myself when I distrust him. Self-preservation, right?

 

I began updating my computer skills today. Hey, that Word thing is not that different from all the other WP programs I've used over the years. I should be able to find a job by August. Whatever happens, I am re-establishing my independence. That's my focus.

[dresden]

oops. I forgot to address the "shady character" issue. I doubt it. We live in an affluent suburb and his business is too small to be of interest to guys with crooked noses. Plus his mom is loaded so he goes to her for money. She has gotten more tight-fisted lately and this may be part of his problem.

 

What a Soap Opera! If I was reading all this about someone else, I wouldn't believe it.

 

Men.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by dresden

However, this morning I said to him, "No more lies. That's all I ask. Because the (restaurant) is closed on Mondays. I called to check." He got a pained look on his face but didn't say anything.

 

 

Honestly, if he's having an affair, I just don't want to know. I have driven by places where he is supposed to be and when he's not there, I have been devastated.

 

Something is definately up......and quite frankly, I think you are in denial. I would of asked for an immediate answer about the resturant.....now he has time to come up with a believable lie again.....

 

take a stand and demand truthful honest answers.....and if his immediate reponse is wishy washy or changes the subject or diverts and "projects" it back to you....then I garantee he is lieing or about to tell a lie.

 

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. When asked a question, they answer without hesitation or side stepping....

[Mz. Pixie]

"It's 4:30 a.m. I haven't slept more than an hour tonight. He is spending a second night at the Boston hotel. He came home yesterday morning for 15 minutes to see our daughter. He gave me a huge long hug and kiss, held my hand, and told me point blank that he is not having an affair and that if he was, he would tell me. I believe him on this. When he left to go to work, he started to cry and said he was so afraid he was going to lose me. I felt so good all day. I knew he had to work late into the evening but I expected him home. So...he called around 5 and said he wanted to stay one more night away from home, that he needs the space to think and sleep"

 

Just to let you know, I said the same things to my husband when I had cheated. He cried so much and begged so much for me to stay that I couldn't tell him the truth. I assured him several times (at least 10) that I had not cheated, when in fact I had. Not proud of it but I did it. I have been punished, but that's another story.

 

"I asked him to please come home, that running away wouldn't solve our problems. But he said he needed another night to think. He also said he would rethink staying away and call me later

 

Of course, he didn't call, didn't answer his cell when I tried to reach him. I figured out around 12:30 a.m. that he wasn't coming home"

 

He is distancing himself from you.

 

"When I spoke to him at 5, I collapsed on the kitchen floor and sobbed and wailed. I couldn't control it. My older daughter sat next to me and held me and my younger daughter went outside"

 

I know you're hurting but please don't involve your children in this. They do not need the emotional burden. Having your son spy on him?? That is not right. No matter how wrong he is, he is still their dad. They love him. Don't make them choose!

 

If I were you, I'd run out and get "Love Must Be Tough". I read it after my separation and in the book it tells you not to do everything that my exh did. If he would have reacted as the book suggested we might have had a shot. I feel he is cheating and you're in denial. Cheaters will go to any length to not get caught.

 

I probably would have hit him about the diner being closed that night and him lying about that.

[dresden]

We are going on a date tonight. I will confront him about the Monday night lie. Things are a little easier between us and I hope he will be honest with me.

 

I beat myself up the past week trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Now that I am eating and sleeping again, I realized yesterday that I hadn't been guilty of anything except being distant from him beginning last year. This was because he is a workaholic, hadn't taken a family vacation in years, or a vacation longer than 4 days, but he took 9 days off to go on a free trip to Europe provided by a corporation. I was mad! Also happy for him but really disappointed. Things deteriorated from there.

 

But I hadn't stopped feeding him, cleaning his house, caring for his children, doing his laundry, doing all the yardwork and house maintenance, spending time with him. We still had frequent lovemaking. This past spring he began to be away more for business things and I yelled. But what I was saying was that I miss him and our life from before. I don't believe that's enough for him to treat me this way. Is it?

 

I hope we can have a real talk tonight.

[Mz. Pixie]

I hope you guys can have a talk.

 

Excuse me why I just get pissy here- he took a vacation to Europe for nine days (even free) without you?????? Ummmmmmmm, sorry- if I hadn't had a vacation in that long that would NOT have happened.

 

Marriage counseling might help you two. Make it a deal breaker if he doesn't go with you.

[LittleMiss]

I don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but do you think it's possible that he is using drugs. That might explain a lot of his behavior. Coming home late, money problems, ect. I know this is what happened to my mom after my grandma died. It took me a whole year to figure it out, but when I finally did everything and all the behavior changes made sense. She was always borrowing money from me. She would lock herself in her room for hours. I hardly ever saw her. It wasn't the same when we would talk. She would always keep conversations short and simple.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by dresden

he all of a sudden announced he had to run to CVS

for toothpaste and to his office to leave something for someone. I said I need

to go to CVS too and hopped in the car. At CVS, he said oops, I forgot to bring

the thing I have to leave and I'll have to go back home. I said fine, I'll wait in

the car and take a ride with you. Then he point blank said he needed some time

alone, that he feels "weird" and would I please stay home. He said he'd be

right back, he wasn't going to spend the night away again.

 

 

This just seems strange......something is definatly occuping his mind.....

 

Dresden....you realy need to look him in the eye.....and ask for an honest anwser to your questions.....espically the Monday night resturant one.....IMO....that was huge...

[jmargel]

Dresden he is playing head games with you. He's lying and being deceitful. Doesn't matter if he's physically cheating on you right now (well it does, but he's doing other things besides that). Only way to win this game is to not play it.

 

Find a good marriage counselor TODAY and call them. Setup an appointment. Tell him when he comes home that you set one up. That if he wants to be in this relationship then you want him to come. That he is being deceitful towards you and disrespectful. That you are NOT going to take anymore of this. Now is the time to come clean about EVERYTHING. And that you are willing to walk. If he gives you ANY excuses then you need to. Otherwise he's going to continue to do this to you. He sees how much this is hurting you yet he continues to do it. His words are cheap and have NO faith in them. Now is the time to get answers and not excuses.

 

Trust me from a man's point of view he's upto something. I'm sorry but you don't deserve this. Don't base your own self-worth on this guy.

[dresden]

Okay. Yesterday was huge for us. There was a lot of talking and non-angry confrontation. It turns out that the restaurant was closed Monday but the bar was open. After a few hours there, "the boys" went to one of their homes and sat outside drinking until the wife threw them out. I received independent confirmation of this from the wife.

 

He also let me look at his cell phone yesterday. I looked at his contacts list and all his recent calls. They are all business-related (not that that really proves a lot). He has agreed to exercise with me again. We are walking together again instead of him going off somewhere by himself. We went out to dinner last night. The awkwardness was gone and we had a great time together.

 

Most tellingly, he called me today just to complain about something that happened at work. I can't tell you how NORMAL that felt for us!

 

More and more I think this was a mini-breakdown for him. Every day since last Tuesday has gotten better and more normal. The secretive behavior is gone. He is doing a business event tonight but called the participants and told them he had to be home by 8:30. He's doing another one tomorrow night and asked me to go with him.

 

My gut tells me this crisis has passed. We are getting back to normal. Of course, I am on guard a bit, watching for the signs of regression. I am also still retraining to find a job although I think it will be part-time because of our youngest child. But everything right now is passing the smell test and we are becoming more relaxed with each other.

[dresden]

We had a great weekend then tonight he calls at 7:30 to say he is going out to dinner with his business partner in Boston. He had known about this all day but didn't want to upset me, he says. This is AFTER I told him our daughter was sick and medicated and asked him to bring home take-out for his and my dinner.

 

Before his announcement, he was so nice, saying let's go for a drive and maybe out for an early dinner tomorrow, and we need to find something fun to do together every day.

 

Is this same old stuff starting again or should I calm down? He promised not to be late or to come home drunk.

 

Am I the only one astounded by the selfishness here? And how do I meet a nice man to give him something to worry about?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Is this same old stuff starting again or should I calm down? He promised not to be late or to come home drunk.

 

There's no need to panic but... don't let down your guard. He has already given you more than enough red flags to worry about. This 'change of heart' toward the positive isn't sounding right to me given his behavior up until now. It sounds like an effort to get you to back down and allow him to keep doing whatever it is he is doing behind your back. That 'something' whether it be drugs, illegal activity, another woman, or serious soul searching - is what it destroying your marriage. If he slips again: its time for the 'marriage counseling or divorce' talk.

[dresden]

Thanks, LB, you calmed me down. I am putting our daughter to bed then working on my resume and some cover letters. I think it's past time to stop listening to his reassurances and get ready for whatever it is that will happen. Even if we stay together, I think I need some serious independence.

[RecordProducer]

Dresden, next time when you think he might have another woman, why not show up where he is supposed to be? You'd feel ashamed if he'd figure out you're checking on him? Big deal! You'll live. But you can't live in crazy uncertainty.

 

You should persuade him to marry you if possible. If not then to sign some kind of agreement (like a postnup for married people) that will secure your future in case you break up. If your state doesn't recognize common law marriages then it certainly recognizes children.

 

Try to find a job so that you are able to take a solid position for your demands.

[jmargel]

Dresden, please re-read my last post!

[billybadass36]

I'd beg, borrow, or steal the money to hire a PI.

[dresden]

We went out to dinner last night. Sat at the bar and watched the baseball game. Good food and wine but not a lot of conversation.

 

I have asked him to end his participation in the business that seems to involve so many last-minute business dinners. We are discussing that. I have asked him to put all his "events" on the calendar so I know what to expect. I have asked him to stop calling at the last minute to say he's going out.

 

I want to wait another week and see how things go. Recordproducer, we are going out again tonight and I have decided to broach the marriage thing again. Then we'll see if I still need to hire a PI.

 

Yes, jmargel, I will re-read your post.

[dresden]

We went out to dinner again last night. I told him I want to get married by the end of this year and if he is not that guy, we need to have a serious talk. He asked "How long do I have?" I repeated "The end of the year." And he said "OK." Which could mean anything.

 

His business is picking up and he is happier now. I am sending out resumes for some local part-time jobs. Just in case.

[dresden]

Saturday night he had another business event. I asked him to please let me know the address of the event. Despite calling me five times during the day, he ended up leaving for the event without telling me the one thing I wanted to know - the address!

 

His mother called during the evening looking for him and I told her everything that had been going on. When I brought up the possibility of another woman, she said "I bet my bottom dollar it's not that - it's his money problems." He has been borrowing from her to cover business expenses. She asked me to be patient with him.

 

He came home at 1:30 a.m., drunk. I waited up for him. He apologized over and over for coming home so late, then started to cry and said "I've always been the best at everything and now I'm not." I told him what his mother said and he cried again, saying "She knows me so well." I told him I would be patient.

 

Sunday morning we had a big argument and he let some stuff out. I am always pushing him to hurry (not true but he is someone who will say let's leave at 2 and we leave at 4) and that I always put the children first (this is pretty true although he is always in the back of my mind - what does he want for dinner? Are there clean towels? etc.)

 

We ended up going out and having a nice day with the kids. We are at the stage of excessive politeness.

 

Today there was polite hugging and kissing, calling me "sweetheart," making me breakfast in bed - but a real closeness is not there. He has a business dinner tonight and promised not to come home late or drunk. I did not ask for this promise.

 

Imagine his surprise when I said I would be gone Tues and Wed evening this week and next for computer classes.

 

I am reconsidering HIM. He is kind of boring. His interests are limited. He expends all his energy at work and comes home to watch sports on TV. He has become excessively picky about what he eats. Often won't eat what I make for dinner (fresh and healthy) but will eat a sandwich from a local deli. WTF?

 

Strategy now is to get through the summer, not question him about anything at all because I don't want to put pressure on him and I just don't want to hear any more lies, just accept that he is here sometimes and sometimes not.

 

I plan on returning to work in the fall and he asked me NOT to get a job because that would put more pressure on him. I asked if it was because he would have to help out with child care and he said of course not but what else could it be? I don't trust him or his intentions and I am planning for a life without him. If it turns out differently, great, but there's no going back. I'll never forget that he "didn't have" the money for earlier computer classes but had his convertible fixed so he could drive it this summer, and I'll never forget that he could have paid off my $3000 student loan but instead invested his inheritance in a business in Florida.

[c_c43224]

KKAT,

 

You said in your post that you were an ex....and you gave some helpful advice in there about what the cheating man may do. Can you offer any more advice as to how he might be covering up his tracks, what lies he may be thinking up? Any advice that you could give would be great! Thanks.

[dresden]

Today I told him I was tired of the way things have been going and tired of being alone and always his last choice to spend an evening with. I asked him to finally decide to Be In This Relationship or move out today. I offered to leave the house while he packed a bag.

 

He began to cry and said he wants to work things out and stay together! He is even cancelling his business dinner for tonight to be here when I get home from my computer class!

 

One happy ending, LoveShack. Thanks for everyone for everthing, especially Record Producer for her practical advice.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Keep up that good emotional strength. I would still keep the number for PI handy, if he reverts though.

[simon]

You could always try to catch him in the act!

 

http://www.find-cheating-spouse.com

[dresden]

It's almost 2 a.m. and he hasn't come home from his "wine tasting" party. Our 10yo daughter has been nauseous and had diarrhea from anxiety. She has asked if it is her fault that her daddy is acting this way.

 

I am heartbroken again. He said he wanted to work things out. He has been loving, chatty and affectionate. I did something a little crazy tonight - I went to his business with a key and went through all the papers there. No smoking gun, I'm afraid. But I called his cell to tell him where I was and what I was doing.

 

His employee was there and she told me the name of someone who she said had been hanging around a lot - a wine saleswoman. Other than that, the employee had no other information.

 

I have called his cell 4 times now and he has not called back once.

 

I have been fooled again. Tomorrow I will open a checking account of my own with a check from his business. I also found the title to his convertible and his passport, and I will get a safe deposit box for these.

 

Time for the lawyer, I guess. Why is he doing this? Why doesn't he just leave?

 

I can't bear this pain over and over again.

[shygurl]

I'm really sorry about all this, dresden - how disappointed you must be.

 

One thing though, I know this is a really tough time for you but you gotta somehow try to keep all of your business with your husband away from your kids - the fact that your poor 10 yr old is literally sick because of all this (and in the past, your older son going to drive by your husband's office) - this is too hard on them, kids just aren't equipped to deal with this kind of thing and they really shouldn't have to. Not trying to upset you, hope you don't take offense.

 

I give you a lot of credit for going to his office and checking things out.

 

It's absolutely HORRIBLE of him to not answer his cell like that. What if something was wrong with your children/there was an emergency? Did you leave voicemails? I guess you left a voicemail when you were at his office, hey?

 

You GOTTA consider getting a PI............that company check you took, you should seriously consider withdrawing extra cash for the cost of a PI to find out for SURE what is going on here - you deserve to know, you really really do - it would be money well spent. THEN take that info to a lawyer.

 

Please post here again when he comes home, if you're up to it - let us know how it's going.

 

Maybe the reason he won't leave is because he's afraid you'll take him to the cleaners? - or he's so addicted to another woman that he just can't stop himself but doesn't want to lose you. You really need to find out what's going on - so you know what you're dealing with here.

 

Again, I'm so sorry. Please keep us posted, post here anytime.