Is my "husband" having an affair and what do I do?

[SoleMate]

Wow, I'm very sorry. This does sound like a case of cheating. Not necessarily a final breakup for you two, unless you want it to be.

 

I would be very careful with that company check. Taking it may be theft, unless you have some good reasoning as to why it is not. Please do see a lawyer and ask about what you can legitimately do to ensure your short-term financial survival.

 

Hugs, be strong.

[LucreziaBorgia]

His employee was there and she told me the name of someone who she said had been hanging around a lot - a wine saleswoman.

 

There's your smoking gun. It is all beginning to make sense, no?

 

I'm sorry that you had to find out that way, but I'm glad you are piecing together the story. Keep the name of this woman under your belt for now. You don't have enough evidence to really make a bust yet, and if you confront him he will just bury himself deeper. If you want the whole story, hire a PI and tell him/her what you know - and give the name of the wine saleslady. Keep your eyes open, get your stuff together, and go talk to a lawyer about your options.

[dresden]

He finally came home at 3 a.m. He said he was so angry when he got my voicemail that he went back to his business to sleep. It is a tiny shop and i can't imagine where he slept.

 

More soon.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by dresden

He finally came home at 3 a.m. He said he was so angry when he got my voicemail that he went back to his business to sleep.

 

 

And he expects you to believe that?

 

Well, you pretty much know the deal now. If you want more, and you want it in the form of irrefutable proof that he cannot deny, hire that PI.

[Leah]

I have been a homemaker all this time. He has been a good provider. We have been best friends and still very passionate about each other. We have had a happy family life, as far as I know. I am at a loss as to how to deal with this. Part of the problem is that I haven't worked all this time (per his preference) so I have no bank account of my own, no money, no credit, etc. I can't just pack up and walk. Also, our home is in his mother's name so I can't claim half of it (she's a real piece of work herself).

 

You've done all of this and never insisted on marriage from this man ??

 

Seems you've placed your entire life's well being in the hands of this man (and his mother) asking for no commitment in return !? (And all at his insistance ?!)

 

If I were you, I'd be taking whatever steps you need to take to empower myself NOW !! People can (and do) walk away from their SO and in your case, it wouldn't be a pretty picture. Here are my ideas:

 

1. Meet with an attorney (as suggested above)- doesn't matter how you pay for it, but find out what your rights are to property, funds, etc.

 

2. Once you have an answer from the attorney, you need to make a decision. If you value the relationship, but don't want to be naive, then you need to protect your own interests and tell this man either he can marry you ... for the benefit of your own security, or you will make your legal exit and file for palamony.

 

3. You need either to get back into the work world or go back to school. You need to do something to secure your future security, nevermind what sweetie pie says, UNLESS he's willing to give you a commitment... as in marriage. If his intentions are honorable, he shouldnt have any problem with this at all !!

 

Wow !!

[dresden]

We had a very good Sunday together. We talked about my going through his workplace. He was angry but said, "I don't know what you expected to find." And I said "I didn't find anything, but your calendar which says you don't have any more of these Saturday wine events coming up." His response: "I have more than one calendar."

 

OK, honestly, who's gonna believe that now? He hasn't yet confirmed whether he will be gone Sat. night but if he says he will be gone Sat. night, I will get someone to follow him. I just want to know, one way or another.

 

He offered me a job today with his new start-up business that he is doing with the partners. I would do all the administrative work at home for the moment. I also am privy to other financial plans, such as selling off some real estate for development. I know everything about his business and finances and I have reminded him of that.

 

I have told him that if we break up, I want to keep the house but he'll continue to pay for it, I want him to sell his primary business and I'll take half, and he will have to sell his second car (a luxury convertible) and I'll take half of that too. I also told him I will want half of his interest in the new business.

 

I agree that he should marry me. We didn't marry at first because his divorce took a long time to clear up all the financial mess - he ended up bankrupt, foreclosed on, and repossessed. Then my mom died and I didn't care too much for a few years. Then the story always was "As soon as I clear up my tax mess." That's been 10 years.

 

Sometimes I think I want to be married - I'm getting Old! - and sometimes I think it's a good thing we aren't because if we were, the IRS would come after me for his taxes.

 

Also, Shygurl, you are right that I can't involve my kids. I feel horrible about that. Our youngest asked me on Sat. night if Dad was acting this way because of her or her bratty behavior. She also asked if she would still get to see him if we broke up. When I told him this, he was really upset. It made him think. She also had an upset tummy on Sat. night from anxiety I think.

 

So Sunday was spent making her feel good and happy about being together with her parents. He and I actually joked about my going through his business (BTW, I can use a check from it because I am on the account and honestly consider myself a half-owner).

 

I told him yesterday that I just can't live like this anymore, and that if he wants to go, he should do it ASAP because it's affecting our family's health, peace of mind, etc. He said he would go if I wanted him to. I said it was his choice but if he stayed, the crap ends and he is totally transparent with me about everything. It has worked a bit - he is already involving me in his current business. So we'll see what happens this week.

[Maria46]

my ex husband used to tell me he slept at the office too. He also used to travel doing sales and when I would call his hotel room at 3 am, he would never answer. Time after time after time....... I finally woke up

 

and found out about Linda.

 

That was the end.

 

I wish the best for you and your situation. P I sounds like a great idea, unless you have friends that he doesn't know who could help you out!!

[dresden]

Maria46, how did you survive that? Even now, at this very moment, I know that he is meeting with his business partners, but when I talked to him at 6 he said they hadn't decided where to go yet. When I called at 7 to ask him to say goodnight to our daughter, he was already gone. I left a message on his cell but now at 7:35 he still hasn't called.

 

See? I know what he's doing but I am still getting that empty feeling in my stomach. I want to go to his business and check around (I made a key for myself - ha ha!) but I'm home alone with our daughter and don't want to involve her anymore.

 

He's affectionate, chatty, involving me in his business but still doing stuff like this. Torturing me, maybe?

 

Anyway, I have a computer class Tue. and Wed. night and he will have to babysit.

javascript:emoticon('')

 

Any hints on surviving this (beyond PI and attorneys) would be most welcome.

 

Thanks.

[dresden]

I saw his AmEx bills for May and June - he uses it for everything including an $11 lunch order. Anyway, everything was normal and typical - no flowers, gifts, expensive dinners out, etc. There was not a lot of free cash at this time so I think the bill represents truth.

 

I asked him on Sunday to begin to wear a condom again so I don't get a disease and I said I would make sure to do the same for him if someone showed interest in me. He got a very pained look on his face then crossed the room to give a very long, hard hug and say that it wasn't necessary.

 

I went to Marriage Builders and I think our issue is Honesty - I printed out the Radical Honesty - Current Honesty section and will ask him to read it tonight.

[RecordProducer]

I don't think hiring a PI is constructive in your case as you are the one who is afraid that he will leave you. As much as I understood, you wouldn't leave him right now even if he had an affair, because of financial reasons. In fact, in theory he could leave you for any reason at any time.

So you need to resolve your biggest problem. It's good that you gave him a deadline for marrying you.

I wonder how the assets would be split if you broke up. Is there any free or cheap lawyer that could advise you? How much would you get for the child you have together?

I don't know if it's a good idea for you to work for him as you will depend on him, but I guess it means he has no intention of leaving you and you can have insight in his business.

The point is, if you have a good job (perhaps train yourself additionally in something you would like to do), you could give him an ultimatum 'marry me or I will leave you.' As long as you depend on him in every aspect and sit at home you are no threat to him.

He got scared that you might find a job on aside so if you find it, you can say 'well if you marry me, I'll work for you from home.'

What happened to the post-nuptial agreement suggestion?

This may be a hostile idea, but if he is tied to the child you have together, and you threaten him to leave far away with the kid and you have a good job offer there, it may stimulate him to marry you in order to not lose the kid. Of course, he may fight for a custody, but since he never married you, it won't sound too good at court. He will be considered unserious about family commitment.

Most likely, if you don't change anything and keep doing what he says, he won't be motivated to marry you. But you never know.

[shygurl]

It would be the biggest mistake ever, to even think about marriage at a time like this. He's keeping secrets, she understandably can't fully trust him, something is definitely amiss............now that's NO way to start out a marriage, and surely not a wise foundation for making an official commitment together, I don't think. Why would a woman, after all this, want to marry a man who's not being honest about things? That would be a disasterous move.

[RecordProducer]

Nice speech, Shygirl, but this is reality.

 

They have a good marriage, he is a great provider, she has three children (one with him), no job, no money, and she is not married to him. After 10 years and a kid, I think it's about time... it was due like 11 years ago. They already gave each other everything that married people give each other. But she is afraid that if he is cheating on her (or will be some day), that she will not only lose him, but she will experience a financial disaster together with her children. So she is trying to prevent that from happening somehow.

She realizes that she completely depends on his mercy.

Dresden, you must check with a lawyer which rights you may claim as a common law spouse.

[dresden]

I found an AmEx bill with a $523 hotel bill in May. I went to the beach where he runs and he was with her running. When I asked her if she knew he had a daughter who can't sleep and has anxiety attacks, she said I know and ran off.

 

We are going to talk now.

[LittleMiss]

OMG! You caught him with another woman? Is this the wine woman or is it someone else? I'm so sorry! Be strong.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm glad you finally caught him. Now the real work begins...

[kkat]

I saw a post here in this thread with someone asking me, as the ex-OW, what the clues are to look for in a cheating spouse, from my experience. I would be happy to post on that but didn't know if I should go off on that in this thread.

 

Dresden, I am sorry for your pain but glad you caught him with an OW, since you had been unable to see the truth otherwise. It has been so obvious to me that he was having an affair, and since that is the unfortunate case, I am glad that you caught him red-handed.

 

Now, when he tells you she's only his friend, he doesn't have sex with her (or only did once), that they only jog together, blah blah blah, please....think about the reality here, and don't believe him.

 

He's lying to you, for months or longer.

[dresden]

Kkat, you are right - he has maintained all morning that this woman has nothing to do with his situation, that he is having some kind of nervous breakdown. He told me a false name for her. It is the wine woman. I called his employee and described her and her identity was verified. Plus - I'm such a fool! - I have seen her in the shop standing close to him going thru a gourmet magazine together. He also said she is someone in town, nothing to do with his business.

 

After tears tears tears, and talking, we agreed that he would have no contact with her anymore and we would see a marriage counselor and try to solve this for the sake of our daughter.

 

I told him no more running at the beach, no more "business events," no more talking to her on his cell phone, no more turning off his cell phone so I can't reach him. He agreed - I made him say it - and we shook hands on it. I told him I am depending on his promise. I also said I would be coming to his shop unexpectedly a lot more and he said "Just please don't make a scene in front of customers."

 

Our daughter attended a library event this morning and we went together to pick her up. Then we went swimming with her.

 

I kept hammering at him about this woman. He finally said "If you want this to work out, let's just drop this and go on from here." I said we tried that before and you still were seeing her. He said now he won't.

 

I have a computer class tonight then am seeing the career counselor who will help me put together a resume.

 

Several times he mentioned selling his business here and moving to FL to be closer to his family. I said that is exactly what I want to do - get away from here and these bad memories.

 

He still denies the hotel bill, says it was really dinner out. Right.

 

Wow, the pain is incredible. And the sense of shock. I am not bragging but I am considered a beautiful woman in fabulous shape for my age (48) and this floozy was kind of chunky.

 

Now so much makes sense - new sexual positions, kissing my neck which he never used to do, all the last-minute events.

 

I told him this will not work out if he is not here when he is not at work. He agreed.

 

How do I start to forget? And forgive? How do I let this go and move on? How does he regain his credibility?

 

I am calling a marriage counselor now.

 

Help with any suggestions please. LB, how do I get the energy to start this hard work?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Start with the first step: the counseling session. Think no further ahead than that for right now. If you can get it started, so much the better. Once in that session, let it all out - tell the counselor everything and the go from there. You can work on the trust, credibility and stuff like that with your counselor.

 

 

"If you want this to work out, let's just drop this and go on from here." I said we tried that before and you still were seeing her. He said now he won't.

 

I'll say this coarsely: this is 100% bullsh*t. Plain and simple. He is asking you to drop the "OW" issue in order to protect his relationship with her, and is lying to you about not seeing her again. If this woman wants to be with him, and he wants to be with her - this DDay won't stop them, trust me on this one. Eventually your man will HAVE to truly go 'no contact' with this woman - with you as a witness to it (meaning that you see the 'no contact' letter he sends her), if your relationship has any chance at all. He may slip a time or two (and I've seen plenty of examples where a MM has contacted OW during the 'NC' agreement), but hopefully with time and help he will make his choice and stick to it firmly.

 

You may want to bring that up with the counselor as well. Hopefully the counselor will help him to see that he has to make a choice: its either 100% OW or 100% you. No compromise or middle ground.

[kkat]

I am an emotional soul and tend to be swayed most often by matters of the heart over head, but I must proclaim....

 

You have a child, correct?

 

You have no job or income, or fluidly marketable job experience, correct?

 

This man is not your husband and you are not sure what support, if any, you can expect from him in a separation?

 

Even if you are legally entitled to some legal support from him, you have mentioned that his money problems are so severe that he is borrowing money from his mother, who apparently owns the house you live in? And that this is a man who previously filed bankruptcy? Does he even have any real assets or real property or net worth or income that you could attach?

 

He has, apparently, a drinking problem, correct?

 

He is lying to you and cheating on you, and basically every stinking f'in thing that has come out of his mouth to this point has been a lie, correct?

 

Are you sure that you want to invest your time and energy into saving this relationship? It's just a question - not a judgement. My hope is only that you'll just ask yourself that question.

 

It seems to me that marriage counseling with your lying partner is not necessarily your top priority here. You need legal counsel, and a job.

 

BTW, be careful with taking checks from his office and depositing it into a checking account bit - that is very likely, illegal.

 

He is a liar. A liar. A liar. A liar.

 

You don't deserve this and neither does your child. Please consider getting out of this relationship, or at least setting up an exit strategy for yourself in case it is over either way.

[dresden]

I talked to my best friend. She is saying what you all are: this is not about my failures but about him. I agree that NC is going to be hard - he has a lot of dealings with her company. I will force this issue.

 

Kkat, I have re-examined our relationship a lot over the past 4 weeks. I think I have to try to salvage it for our daughter. If that fails at least I will know I tried. I think this is his attitude as well. Well, that and the fact that I told him that if he leaves I will move the kids back to CA to make a fresh start. That got his attention.

 

I have my computer class tonight and tomorrow night and told him he is looking after our daughter both nights. He agreed. So at least here's a Tue. and Wed. when he will be home. Last night he came home from his business dinner (I know this was real) at 10:30 and we were all shocked.

 

My mom is dead and he told me I could call his mom to talk about him.

[Ladyjane14]

Did you ever see an itemized bill for the hotel? Why not give them a call and tell them that your copy is lost. Tell them you need it to apply to your business expense account for work.

 

If they question YOUR identity, tell them that you are Mr. So&So's secretary. If possible, arrange them to fax it to you.

 

It's a good probability that he has lied to you regarding the "dinner" at the hotel. If you can establish the truth behind that, you might be in a better position to decide if the relationship is salvagable or not.

[RecordProducer]

Dresden, I am soooo sorry you're going through this. Just be strong, honey! try to detach yourself emotionally from the situation. The more you think about it the more it will hurt you.

Now you need to decide what you're going to do: leave or stay.

In case you want to leave, you need a lawyer and a job. Stay calm and don't argue with him. He did what he did. Show him that you're sober about the whole situation and think with a cold head. You will be more able to get what you want if you're not rude, although you feel right now like you could strangle him with your bare hands.

 

I would suggest that you consider dumping him when you find a job. With the child support and your salary you will be free and much happier in the long-run than with this cheater and liar. He won't stop cheating, don't hope for that.

It's soooooo much easier when you are the one who leaves. You know it's your own choice. You know you kept your dignity and proud and didn't let anyone sh*t on your head.

 

I am sorry for trying to influence you, that's what I would do and you're responsible for your own life, but please don't choose the line of least resistance. It takes courage to make big steps but at the end it pays double.

There's a lot of pain, struggling, and coping waiting for you. If you stay you will never forgive him. Do you think you could?

 

Keep posting, we're here for you. But if you can, try to not think about any unpractical things. Please talk to a lawyer. Maybe you can get half of everything he (and you) have earned in the last 10 years!

 

Herman Hesse

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

[dresden]

I can't sleep. He of course is sound asleep. I thought I had arranged for him to watch our daughter again tomorrow night but I came home from my computer class to find that he had rearranged everything. He is having another dinner with his business partners tomorrow night instead.

 

Or is he? I won't be home from my class until 9 so I can't follow him. I feel so tired and unsure. He is saying all sorts of things, like business is so bad he might just close or that we should all move to FL.

 

But he continues to maintain that it was just a fluke that I saw him running with this woman and that there is nothing going on. If I tell him to leave, I don't know if he will ever come back.

 

Our daughter thinks we solved everything today and her little life is going to be the same. She said this to me tonight.

 

I said I would get us a MC appt for next Monday and he said he might have a dental appt! :-) Priorities right? What a creep.

[Maria46]

skip the class and see what is going on

[dresden]

Yep, Maria, I agree. I have emailed one of his business partners asking him to verify that there is a meeting. If the partner says no, then I will skip the class and follow him

 

But laying awake and tossing and turning, I see the wisdom of Kkat and RP. He is a total sh*t for doing this to me. I am not perfect but I have not done anything heinous to him. His complaint is that last year I was "distant."

 

He is having some emotional control problems. He does face enormous financial difficulties. If he had behaved differently, I would be there for him 100%. But this cruelty is horrible. And undeserved.

 

I told him earlier today that he has total control because he controls the money. He told me I have control because I control the kid.

 

He's right. If he continues to see that woman, he won't see our daughter very much at all.

 

F*ck him.