Is my "husband" having an affair and what do I do?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm glad to hear your life is slowly making its way back on track.

 

I'm equally glad that this child molester is being exposed by his former victims, and that he will always have to register his (their, if OW lives with him) residence with the national sex offenders registry (as a good citizen, surely you will make sure that if he isn't on the registry he gets reported!), and live the rest of their lives having his income garnished to support the family he discarded and destroyed with his perversion, lies and deception.

 

I'm sure that the lawyers (and the IRS) will expose him in so much layer-by-layer deception that he will be little more than a skeleton being squeezed slowly to death. He dug his own grave a long time ago. May as well go ahead and lie down in it.

 

How lucky for you Dresden, that you and your children have survived (and will no doubt painfully continue to survive) this cancer of a lying, cheating, spineless, non-commital, child-molesting man. How unlucky for OW that she ended up catching said cancer herself.

[megabit15]

Finally, just in case there are any doubters: after the Creep's arrest hit the three local papers, a former employee of his called and said he had molested her and another girl at a business he used to own about 8 years ago. They Reported It To The Police! Their statements are still on file. The girls I guess decided not to go forward but the DA has their statements and they will be presented to the grand jury.

 

I keep wondering how come I didn't see him for who he really is. I wonder how he will survive in prison without Armani clothes and a wine list. I wonder how my older daughter will overcome what he did to her.

 

I'm just trying to find some way through it all while keeping my family intact. Love goes a long way toward healing, I hope.

 

And as always, I never would have survived all this without the advice and caring of all of you.

Hugs and wishes for the best for all of you.

Feel free to PM if you like.

(Except bitter angry peachweed - you need therapy!)

 

Dresden,

I am amazed at how far you have come through this in such a short time. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. Congratulations for listening to the very good advice from those who consistently give good advice in these forums.

 

I was also molested for many years as a child. My mother chose 'not to know' (she was always kinda like an ostrich with her head in the sand to avoid all unpleasantness). I told her about it when I was in my mid twenties. We have had some close times since then. It took a lot of therapy and willingness to see how I was taught to be the victim, and to stop doing that in my current relationships. Far from perfect with this yet, but have come a long way.

 

I don't resent my mother - any more. Would I prefer that she was the kind of mother who cared for me and protected me? Yes, of course. But focusing on that only fostered resentment and kept me in the 'victim mentality'. Now I no longer expect my mother to be any different than who she is. I've learned the hard way that love and gratitude for what I do have and can do makes me happier than than wishing for what I never had. It takes a lot of work to change the thinking and feelings of mistrust and doubt that I once held so close. So...YES. Love does go a long way in healing, and it can be done.

 

I'm proud of you for facing such painful truths and encouraging your daughter to take action. You are an incredible woman to still have beautiful love in your heart after the affair and molestation revelations. I'm glad you are able to spend some time laughing now and then. No sense being bitter like some other people out there!

 

I am also awed by the fine advice from the people who have been with you through it all. Whew!!

 

Keep up the good work Lady. Good luck with the job search. If you need any help, please let me know.

Margaret.

[dresden]

Thanks, LB, Veronese and Margaret. Your supportive words mean so much. Fortunately, Veronese, my youngest says he never touched her inappropriately. Thank god.

 

I will update from time to time as things evolve. I can always be reached by PM as well.

 

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Hugs!

[dresden]

I thought some of you might like to hear the latest about my little saga. This past week I saw my ex for the first time since August at two court hearings - one for renewing the restraining order and one for child support.

 

Anyone out there cheating or considering it should read carefully. My ex is a wreck. He began to cry when he first saw me and continued crying through the whole procedure. He has tons of regrets, many because he was exposed and arrested for molestation, but also because life post-marriage didn't turn out so good. He apologized over and over, he told me he was stupid and didn't realize how lucky he was with me, his life has been deeply diminished.

 

The OW dumped him not because of his arrest but because money ran out. When the fancy dinners and hotel visits had to end, she got out quick. He dated a few other women and those didn't work out either. He would only say that these other women were "schmucks" and he now has zero interest in dating.

 

He is working 7 days a week trying to keep his business afloat. He is not making much money right now. His mother has taken over every aspect of his life beyond the financials. She told him how much he could spend on renting a new place, she gives him an allowance for food, she pays his utilities and complains about his electricity usage. She picked out his attorneys. He is going to be 53 this month.

 

I agreed to allow him one phone call a week with our daughter. He was so grateful for that because they had been very close. He loves her very much.

 

I sat in the room during their first call this week. We had worked out a little signal that she would say if he got inappropriate, which he never did. Instead she told him all about her life and every once in a while said, "Dad, please don't cry."

 

He will be able to see her at some point, but it will always be in some supervised facility. He has paid an activity fee for her this week. Other than that, there is still no child support.

 

I worked for 4 weeks then lost my job because of a technicality. I've had one week off and start on Monday at a different division of the same company. I have sold my books and some furniture and continue to do so. My daughter sees the slow dismantling of her childhood home and the deep cuts we have had to make in order to save money.

 

My former mother-in-law has served us with eviction papers and a notice to quit. I have agreed that we will vacate the house by January 31st. We are scheduled to move to Seattle to be with friends but I am trying to figure out how to stay in this town so my daughter can finish the school year. In the end though, we will probably move because there's not much rental housing here.

 

I am waiting to receive a settlement offer from his mother. So far she is only willing to offer "relocation expenses." I have been told I could dig my heels in and stay here for some time and if they get cheap on me, I may well do so. Already she is demanding I turn over my car and share my teenager's car. My attorney has made it clear that I am not walking out of here without separate money to buy my own car.

 

It's still a mess. We have good days and bad. My ex is devastated, scared, alone, missing me and our daughter, and a little suicidal. My daughter is angry and sad, misses her dad then feels like she is betraying her older sister. There will be lifelong repercussions for her because of his behavior. This all came out because of his affair. Is sex really worth this?

[whichwayisup]

I'm sitting here, tears in my eyes for you and your kids...Even your poor ex, though he really doesn't deserve it.

 

If only he knew then what he knows now...I'm sure he regrets it and wishes it never happened...Sadly, his wanting to have sex with someone else cost him just about everything and he has to live with that guilt forever.

[elmejor]

dresden I read your story and it took a long time, but this man isnt your husband right? He sexually assaulted your daughter? Why are you saying his affair caused the problems when hes been a child molestor for a long time? This story I do not understand

[Aimée]

He sexually assaulted your daughter? Why are you saying his affair caused the problems when hes been a child molestor for a long time? This story I do not understand

That's what I thought, too.

 

There will be lifelong repercussions for her because of his behavior. This all came out because of his affair. Is sex really worth this?

I've been following your story for a long time and I can only congratulate on keeping the faith up and for not breaking down in the face of so much sorrow and pain. Nonetheless I must say, I do wonder if you're not putting your priorities in the wrong places. You seem to be more devastated because he had an affair than that he molested your daughter. You seem to believe that he made a big stupid mistake, that him having sex with someone else was the reason why things turned out so bad. With this mindset you're actually excusing him. His affair might be a one time thing where he lost control over his animalistic instinct to procreate with as many females as possible, but him molesting your daughter should not be considered something that can be excused with failure of one's inner control mechanisms, it's simply wrong when an adult abuses a child to fulfill his sexual needs. What he did to you was selfish, mean, despicable, but what he did to your daughter was a hundred times worse.

[dresden]

I concentrated on the affair because that is what is most relevant to the infidelity board's users. My ex will end up in jail, my youngest will continue to feel conflicted about missing her dad and supporting her sister, my oldest will live the rest of her life with those horrible memories - but those are issues for another forum.

 

Please do not question me on this. I am living this nightmare. I just want all those stupid people having affairs to know that the results can be horrendous for their families as well as themselves.

[lilmoma1973]

 

You did say that he has started running instead of your usual walking .. He has changed his appearance to what he wears since his father's death .. He wearing nicer clothes than he use to !!! I would keep an eye out to how often his meetings are running late and who he is with !! Good luck

[jonesgirly]

Dresden

I totally understand your lack of emphasis on your daughters issue. My exH did the same thing (molested my daughter) in addition to sleeping with everything that would slow down. Rarely do I ever mention what he did to my daughter - its almost too painful to say out loud. It is much easier to just say "he was a man-whore who slept with everything he could." Any more details are kind of too painful, and too personal, even for the WWW!

[Aimée]

I concentrated on the affair because that is what is most relevant to the infidelity board's users. My ex will end up in jail, my youngest will continue to feel conflicted about missing her dad and supporting her sister, my oldest will live the rest of her life with those horrible memories - but those are issues for another forum.

 

Please do not question me on this. I am living this nightmare. I just want all those stupid people having affairs to know that the results can be horrendous for their families as well as themselves.

Ok, I admit, I can only vaguely imagine how it must feel to go through so many painful experiences, but I still can only say that to me the reason why your life is so horrible now does not seem to be the affair. It might be easier for you to cope with the pain by putting the blame on his affair, but that's not the root of your problems. The affair is not the reason why you're struggling with financial problems now and it's not the reason why your daughter was molested, it's not even the reason why your ex is so miserable at the moment or why his mother is acting so callous. The affair was a symptom of something more rotten and better hidden which came to daylight through it's discovery. Affairs are not great, but they do not always have such evil consequences.

 

I don't want to sound cold or not sympathetic, but I'm only trying to offer you a different perspective as I can imagine that being confronted by so many problems can overwhelm you and make it difficult to look at things objectively.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Dres-

 

Big hugs girl! Been wondering how you are.

 

How is your daughter dealing?? Is she in counseling??

 

Your ex made this bed that he is lying in right now. If not for the affair then certainly the molestation. I can't begin to feel sorry for him.

 

You hold out until his mother offers you a settlement. She's obviously used to bailing him out so let her bail him out this time with money for you to start over.

 

Be strong!!!

[dresden]

Miss P!

My girl is okay. She received her subpoena to testify before the grand jury today. She handled it okay. She's working again, making friends, likes her job. A lot of her life is getting back to normal. A good friend of hers was raped by her boyfriend this summer - she reported it and the two girls now have gotten even closer talking about their situations.

I got some good news at work - I've been there 5 weeks and they want to promote me.

My little one is loving school and is constantly on the phone with her friends, so she is experiencing some normalcy too.

Thanks for the hugs!! We are getting back to a happy place again.

How are you?

xoxoxo