Is my "husband" having an affair and what do I do?

[dresden]

I slept a total of 2 hours last night. I told him 4 or 5 times this a.m. that if he is in love, then pack a bag and go with my blessing. I am just so weary, self-mutilating and suicidal-ish.

 

He won't go!! Continues to insist nothing between him and this woman. Even when I did my Google detective work and came up with a full name, address and cell phone number, he still said "So what? We are not having an affair."

 

He also said that he still feels emotionally unstable and sees himself as a huge failure while at the same time telling me that I will the executive secretary of his new business venture. (The electric co. came and almost turned off the juice, so I'd say someone is failing a bit.)

 

He says what I am doing is not helping (at the time I was getting ready to call a counselor for an appointment) and I should back off and give him space. So I am now going to read Love Must Be Tough which I have seen on here many times.

 

His partner verified that there is a meeting tonight so that is a relief. But I also feel like I've had enough, just get out.

[Maria46]

my ex's boss always covered for him. skip class

[shygurl]

Originally posted by dresden

 

His partner verified that there is a meeting tonight so that is a relief.

 

I really hate to say it, don't want to add to your distress but would you really expect his business partner to tell you the truth? Where will the partner's loyalty lie? With your guy, not with you - not to mention, guys inherently cover for each other. Not to mention, even if the partner wasn't loyal to your guy, he likely doesn't want to get involved in the frey and tell the truth IF the truth is that your guy doesn't really have to attend this meeting tonight (meaning: there really isn't a meeting) - because if he were to tell there's no meeting and your confront your guy, then it's going to come out WHO told you - and then the partner is in a very awkward position.

 

Long story short - do not ask ANYONE at your guy's business for info like this because you're very likely not going to get the truth - their loyalties will surely not lie with you - they'll lie with the guy who signs their paycheck.

[kkat]

Are you OK?

 

This is horrifying. I am so sorry.

 

Do you have friends locally you can turn to?

 

Have you pursued seeing an attorney? Will you please consider finding an attorney? I think you live in MA - there are many organizations that will help you at least get started. You mentioned your google skills - can you use them to find some free legal support from a women's group?

[dresden]

The meeting last night was cancelled and he came home to be with our daughter.

 

I went to my computer class then spent a half-hour with the career counselor who looked over my resume. I got very very positive feedback about my ability to get a job - good experience, people skills, nice appearance, etc. She also gave me a little personal counseling from her own experience. Her message was I can't control him so start thinking just about me and my kids.

 

I am going to volunteer with the local hospital one day a week. She gave me a reference to a counselor and said go without him if necessary. She wants me to start keeping a journal for positive stuff, not talking about him but me. She urged me to move on from him and focus on me. Make more friends, get a job, even part-time if necessary for childcare, etc.

 

I felt so incredibly good after that meeting. Kkat, you understand this.

 

So as much as I wanted to say, "Did you call her and tell her it's over?" I didn't. I don't care anymore. I behaved positively and cordially even but that was it.

 

So...he has decided independently of anything I said yesterday that he will join a health club to run on the treadmills every other day and start walking with me again on the off days. I urged him several times to "just go to the beach to run - I don't care and I can't control you so you make your own decisions" but he said no, he won't go to the beach anymore.

 

He asked me to help him more with his business which is a big change in attitude. Also, there was very little physical contact yesterday, I even considered sleeping on the couch (as did he to make me happy) but the living room isn't air conditioned so we slept together but not touching much.

 

Today he sought affection from me - another change - he's been kind of stand-offish.

 

The business meeting was rescheduled for tonight. I think the partner was being very straight with me because he and my husband are in a little tug-of-war right now. Also they don't socialize outside of the meetings. This business is a new side business for all of them.

 

I feel good today. Got a good night's sleep (thank you Excedrin PM) and ate a good breakfast. Going for my walk now and thinking about applying for a job at Harvard in the fall. I will call the counselor for an appointment and I have a friend who knows an attorney for me to see.

 

My guard is up, believe me, and my eyes are WIDE OPEN but I'm all about me and the kids now - we even had a little "tribal council" of our own last night to band together for the future. I expect to have a good day for the first time in a while now.

[jmargel]

Dresden,

 

He is still avoiding the issues. He's doing and saying what you want to hear. Did he say why this meeting was cancelled until tonight? Tell him you want to be involved in the business as well and you want to go with him tonight. You have no faith in his words and that's all he is giving you right now. Proof would be him letting you go with him tonight even if it's just for 15 mins or so. This is a marriage and his business is yours. This is part of that tough love, that book you want to read. It would basically tell you that should be going to this place with him especially since this business affects not only his life but yours.

 

Also demand Marriage Counseling. If he doesn't want to go, then tell him he needs to leave. If he won't, let the police know. I'm sorry but I still see him playing games here and he is just sucking you right in. Don't let him use this 'failing business' as a distraction on what he may possibly be doing.

[dresden]

I went to his business several times today and helped with different things.

 

He told me at 6:45 that his business meeting would be up in Boston. I said emphatically do not go because to me this meant he was going to see the OW. (I really want to call her the ugly fat b*tch). He went anyway.

 

I panicked. I called the OW's cellphone and left her a "stay away from my husband or I'll call your boss" message, then I called his mother and told her the whole story. She was very sad to hear it but said she would try to call him on his cell.

 

Then I called all three of his partners. One was not at home, and I got the voicemail for the other two. I did not leave messages but one of them noticed that someone had called when he went to the men's room and he called me back and confirmed that they were indeed all together having a business dinner.

 

So I went shopping and got the Love Must Be Tough book and ice cream with my kids.

 

Now he'll come home and be all pissed off at me. Maybe he'll threaten to leave. I think I will let him go. It's exhausting being suspicious and untrusting all the time. But he has money problems and can't afford another place so he'll probably stay. Who knows?

 

I read your advice, JMargel. I called a MC and am waiting for her to call back tomorrow. I told him he HAS to go but he doesn't have to talk. He said "What about when you slug me in the session?"

[Maria46]

The advice you received from career counselor was good. You need to focus on yourself and your child first and foremost.

 

And getting counseling yourself will be good as well but I believe it would be much better if he participated as well.

 

 

From my experiences, I have learned to trust my feelings and instincts about what is happening. We always want to try to believe what we are told, even though, deep down we know what the real truth is.

 

I hope, for your sake, that he has been honest with you........but

 

women do not have doubts without reason.

 

Take care of yourself!!!

[jmargel]

Glad you are taking the advice. Not sure about what he meant about you 'slugging' him. Is that a sign that he has something he will tell in session? Just as long as he goes, that's the important part. It's the counselor's job to get him to talk, which he will. Just brace yourself for alot.

 

If he's going to be pissed off at you and threaten to leave the BEST thing you can do is tell him he's free to go. If you plead and beg for him to stay then he knows where his upper hand lays. Then he'll use that as a control mechanism to do what he wants. So when the next time you get into an arguement, he'll just threaten to leave. Once you are in that scenerio things get worse. So, if he says he's moving out just say 'Im sorry to hear that, that is your decision if you wish to do so'. Then leave it at that.

 

Things will get worked out one way or another. Marriage is NOT fun when you are suspecious and don't feel that trust with your mate, I know from experience. Hang in there!

[dresden]

After his meeting Thursday night, he never came home. Didn't call either. I had left him a voicemail on his cell that I wasn't changing the locks and looked forward to seeing him after the meeting.

 

Yesterday our daughter had an early sports event. He called my cell and apologized for not coming home. He said he had spent the night on the floor of his business. He said he had not gotten my message and was so "stubborn and hard-hearted" that he decided not to come home.

 

He came to the event and took us out to lunch after. He was friendly and affectionate towards me. But when he said he slept at work, I knew he was lying. There is so little room and he is a person who likes to be comfortable.

 

We went out to dinner last night. Talked about his various business ventures. Talked about trying to stay together for the sake of our daughter. I slept well but just woke up and knew that I could not stay with this man. He has torn apart our love, our family and my well-being.

 

I know this is not my fault. If I was "distant," he could have given me a hug and said what's going on with you? Instead he began an affair. I think it has been going for quite a while. I have his old cell phone and on the contact list is her name and business number twice, and then her home number with just her initial, "T." That speaks an intimacy to me and an attempt to hide it as well.

 

So when I got up just now, he asked "what's wrong?' And I sat next to him and said "I want you to move out." He said OK, but do I have to do it now? I said the door will always be open for you to come back but I know you are still seeing this woman and I can't live with that. He said I don't want to move out. I said I know you spent the night with her and I am tired of all the lies. Then I left the room.

 

Not the big speech like in Love Must Be Tough (which I read Thurs. night when I couldn't sleep) but still how I feel. We'll see how things go when he gets up.

 

Would marriage counseling help at this point? I don't think I can ever forgive him.

[Maria46]

Am so sorry to hear what has happened.

 

I can't tell you if marriage counseling would work for the two of you, but if he is acceptable to it, I would suggest giving it a try.

 

BUT.....You have to be strong now, for yourself and your child. You asked him to move out and have given him the reason why. If you weaken and let him stay, IMO, it is like accepting what he has been doing. I have been there, done this and done that.

 

I talked to my bf about what has happened to you. He also felt that your SO was out playing.

 

Please remember that you have friends here at LS. In fact, I normally don't visit LS daily, but I am very concerned about your situation so I make a point to check on you.

 

 

Please take care!!!

[dresden]

Thank you Maria. It's good to know you are out there.

 

Yesterday I had a long conversation on the phone with my best friend. I ended up going to my husband's work with a letter I had written and a packed bag for him. In the letter I said I love him but I can't let him treat me badly any longer. When I left the store I felt so strong and empowered.

 

15 minutes after I got home he called to see if I was okay. Then he talked to our daughter. She did not know I was telling him to leave.

 

He began to talk about what he and she would do together today and she got very angry with him. When she hung up she was so upset, calling him a jerk and stupid and all sorts of things. I called him back and said she was very upset, what did you say to her?

 

He said nothing, just talked about doing something together today. We talked about it and decided he better come home after all. He came home at 1:30 - had another business meeting with his partners.

 

Today we took her to the beach. She had such a good time! I was so happy to see her so happy.

 

We came home and he asked me to go to dinner with him Monday night. We started chatting about normal stuff, talked about real estate matters, etc. He took his shower AND SHAVED then talked to one of his partners (I heard the voicemail so I know it was legit). The upshot is that he left an hour ago to make a delivery to a customer then to go to the partner's house to pick up some papers about the business.

 

We were supposed to have pizza and wine together and he is not back.

 

Bastahd!!!! Also on his cell I saw a message left for him on Friday by OW. It was less than a minute long. I did not get to hear it. He says he is not seeing her.

 

I opened my own checking account today - a good step for me. Still seeing the MC on Wed. and also the career counselor again.

 

I should have dealt with my daughter's anger and not called him home. I am mad at myself for that. A big mistake.

 

When does the pain go away? Could I ever learn to forgive him for my daughter's sake?

[kkat]

In my opinion, there is an uncanny common denominator, or two, between what you are experiencing and what I have experienced in my relationship as the OW. In fact, it is what many of us experience in all sorts of unhealthy relationships, in all sorts of roles, with other people - spouses, friends, employers, family members, significant others, etc.

 

The common denominators are relationships where one of the parties is coming from a position (perceived or otherwise) of weakness, and/or relationships where we relinquish the power to the other party because we either just allow them to take it or because we perceive that they have all of the power.

 

You are behaving as if you have no power. That's not accurate. You do, you just don't see it. You are letting him control everything. You have to take control of this.

 

Your husband is having an affair with another woman. He has made it clear through his actions that no matter how much he loves you and your children, he is willing to cheat on you and lie to you. In fact, at a time where you are in danger of losing your utilities because of financial difficulties, he is willing to spend money on the affair with this woman (hotel, etc.). He has lied to you about his trips to the drugstore, his runs at the beach, his nights when he doesn't even bother to come home, his meetings, etc. - and you are making pizza and wine and beach dates with him? You are giving him all of the power.

 

I understand that you are afraid, and I have been in that spot, ironically, for a long time as the OW.

 

Please take your power back. You have got to stop letting him get away with his crap. He will keep doing it, and it will get worse. Your children are being pulled into this and that's just awful. And you are so upset, obviously, it's just awful.

 

Please stop letting him jerk you around like this.

[Maria46]

kkat is so correct on this.

 

You have more power than you can imagine. Use it!!

[dresden]

Kkat and Maria, you are right. I do have some power here. I tried to exercise some of it this morning by saying that I want to be more involved in the business. And also there are two ways to do this - we can try to overcome all this for our daughter's sake or I can get an attorney and go after half of everything.

 

He said if I get an attorney then it's all over. I said I would be foolish to rely on his promises.

 

I gave my ultimatum: I love him and want to work this out but if I find out he is still seeing OW all bets are off. He said don't threaten me. That's not a threat - it's a promise.

 

I'm so tired all the time. I woke up at 4 a.m., left the bedroom quietly, and when I went back to bed he woke up then blamed me for waking him. What a jerk.

 

Insomnia, tiredness, lack of appetite, hopeless than angry - is this depression?

 

I think he will have to go before long.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You may want to see a lawyer privately, anyway - to see where you stand legally in all this. The last thing you want is for him to find a way to cut you out of the deal by hiding assets, etc. now that he knows you are more serious. If he marries OW, then you will have a HUGE mess on your hands. Go now, and find out your options. You know what they say about an ounce of prevention. In this case, it may be the thing that keeps you from being cut loose at a later time with absolutely no options at all.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, if you see an attorney and try to retain any power of your own, it's over. He's scared about losing what he does have financially, like he did in his other marriage.

 

Kkat was so right- he has money to spend on a hotel but puts your financial future in jeopardy.

 

Do not be in denial about this. What's even worse to me is that he doesn't care about your feelings- such as lying about his whereabouts and not answering his cell. What if something happened to you or your daughter? He's too busy getting his rocks off to worry about that. Oh and sure, he's not having an affair with her- but he's spending time with her and not telling you about it?? If there wasn't anything to worry about you would have known about it all along.

 

LadyJ told you to obtain a copy of the hotel bill. You can get it easily. I would do that for proof. Begin right now and write down everything. The more proof you have the better off you are in court. You guys have been together a long time, you put your career on hold to raise his child, you may have some financial recourse. Not sure where you live but in the States you would.

[Maria46]

I thought you told him to leave. What is he still doing there??

 

And his comment about if you contact attorney, it is all over?? Power play on his part.

 

 

I know this is a very tough for you, but you have to stick to your guns. Be strong... use YOUR power.

 

 

I hope you don't think I getting after you about him still being at the home cause I understand completely. It is so very hard to finally believe that you CAN get thru this.

 

Hang in there

[dresden]

OW is living in my town now. I spoke to her soon-to-be-ex yesterday and I am meeting him tonight for more talk.

 

I confronted husband with this info. He wants to stay together, etc., blah blah blah. I asked to see his cell again. He absolutely refused. I tried to grab it away from his pocket while he was brushing his teeth. He tried to fight me off. I bit his arm and he spit in my eyes.

 

I was so unbelievable angry and out of control that I grabbed a small box and threw it at him. It hit him above the eye and he had to have 8 stitches put in.

 

I love all the support I get here. I am going to start calling lawyers for one who will see me today. I am seeing the career counselor tonight about my resume. The MC had to postpone our appt. til next Monday but right now I don't care so much about that.

 

He and I slept together (not sex) and he held my hand all night. He said he would stop seeing her. Wait - didn't he say that last week????

 

One thing - I'm not crying.

[dresden]

Seeing atty at 3

Seeing career counselor re: resume at 7

seeing OW's ex at 7:30

 

Feeling positive, empowered, ate well, exercised, lots of energy.

 

Maybe a lone good day in a string of bad bad ones, but I'll take it.

 

Oh - he said I might move out today because I don't want this to ever happen again. (Because he is not responsible for anything, right?) I said I'm sorry he got hurt, it wasn't my intention, my aim ain't that great and if he wants to move out, then go. He said he would move into our spare room because he has nowhere else to go. What happened to Miss Fat and Ugly OW? Did she dump him or does she just want fun but no commitment?

 

Anyway,I don't care much.

[Maria46]

You should be proud of yourself for starting to get your life the way it should be.

 

I bet the OW's ex or soon to be ex still lives in the same house and that he just recently got a clue.

 

 

This is a BIG forward step for you, and I hope there will be more to come.

 

 

But, please watch your temper. Violence is not good in any situation. Try to keep calm even when you see red.

 

Keep us posted on how your day was.

[kkat]

Stay calm.

 

Don't engage in violence. If you are capable of it, so is he, and you could be injured.

[dresden]

You are all right about the violence. It was something that just got out of hand. We have agreed that it will never happen again.

 

I saw the atty. No common law marriage in MA but she brainstormed lots of other ways to attack the problem of financial support. Having a child is a huge plus. He has very few custody rights because we never married. The atty is someone I would use if push came to shove.

 

Got good feedback on my resume. Next week we are going to write some cover letters and look at job listings.

 

Met the OW's ex. Handsome! In fact, much more handsome than my husband. Ow sounds like a messed up woman. This has been going on since last fall by the ex's estimate. Got her address. Going to sit on this for now but the ex and I got along well and may actually have dinner sometime. :-0

 

Even did some of my quilting today! A very good day. POWER!!

[Maria46]

So glad to hear everything went well today!!

 

You are moving in the right direction

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, there is a reason he has no place to go.

 

And refusing to let you see his cell?? Of course, he's hiding something.

Crazy thing is- he has never admitted to anything but yet he'll stop seeing her???

How is he seeing her if nothing was happening???

 

If he wants to mend this relationship he's sure not acting like it. He's throwing you crumbs- like holding your hand at night. Trust me, there is a reason he has no place to go right now- he's not doing it out of responsibility to you. To mend things he must cut off all contact with her- and give you full access to his life. Cell phone, e mail passwords everything. He must be accountable for his actions and his whereabouts to win back your trust. That is what he gets- and if he were truly wanting to mend things he would be more than willing to pay that price!!!

 

All wayward spouses operate on some type of the same script. It's one thing I've seen over and over on LS. And I thought when I was cheating my actions were new!

 

As far as the OW's husband. DO NOT put yourself in that position. That is the last thing you need. A revenge affair might sound nice, and it's okay to have that fantasy but I've seen this type of thing happen and it's never good. Get information with him, but do not do anything else!