Is my "husband" having an affair and what do I do?

[Maria46]

Sounds like the plot thickens.

 

So, I understand he does not have a key to the house... Keep it that way.

 

Pack his clothing and toiletries. If some of his clothing are dirty, pack them separately (do not wash them for him) Call him and find out when he will arrive to pick them up. Make him be specific about the time as you are going to place them by the front door. Then do it!!!

 

Do not open the door and talk to him when he comes for them. He needs to sit and stew awhile on what he is going to do next. If you talk to him, chances are he will try to stay with you.

 

If he doesn't want to come get his things, then take them to his business and drop them off. Do this without argument or conversation with him. He will get the hint.

 

After that is done, do not call him or contact him in any way. Now it is up to him. If he contacts you and wants to talk, meet him in a public place. It is safer for you and your children shouldn't be hearing what is going on.

 

See an attorney and start the paperwork. It doesn't hurt to get it going. If (by some amazing miriacle) he starts seeing MC, and actually makes the effort to work on your relationship, then put attorney on "hold" for a bit.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think he will make the effort.

 

Do not let him talk you into letting him return. He needs to know that you mean business. Remember that you are strong!!!! You have power!!!! You do not deserve to be treated as you have been.

 

It is getting down to the nitty gritty now. Stand your ground!!!!

 

Take care of yourself!!!!

[dresden]

The problem is that tomorrow morning I have to go help my quilt guild hang their annual show. I have friends there who love me and I will get a lot of hugs and help so I really want to go.

 

I told him he has to be here at 8 a.m. to take care of our girl so I won't be here if he starts packing. I could have my 18yo hover around but she has a lot of anger already. But I guess this is my only choice.

 

I think I could "guilt" him into bringing stuff back or say don't do this in front of our girl. I don't know how to handle this, Maria.

 

I have turned the "lock" on his side of the garage so he won't be able to come and park there. My older kids have agreed to be home for dinner for the next few weeks so I am not alone at night.

 

I want to be strong because I don't think I can love him again. But boy, am I used to him being here.

 

Maria, how did you ever survive this?

[dresden]

It's almost 9. He didn't call and he's not coming home.

 

I had a glass of chardonnay and feel okay. Suddenly realized that I am officially a Single Mother.

 

Anyway, any thoughts on whether I should call the OW's employer and alert them to her affair with my husband? She is a wine saleswoman and he owns a wine shop, so she has been doing special deliveries, etc.

 

I know, I know, he's the freakin' cheater and such, but I would love to give her back a little of the pain I feel.

 

Is this the wine talking?

[Maria46]

Don't depend on him to take care of the child you have between you. Find someone else, friend, neighbor or ??

 

You need to show him that you can handle things without him. If he thinks you can't, he will walk all over you again.

 

He shouldn't even be in the house.

 

And don't wait for him to pack his stuff. You pack his stuff. Please don't expect your 18 year old to keep an eye on him. This is between you and him. Try to remember that.

 

 

And about calling her boss???? That is something I would have thought of when I was in your place. But really, what good would it do?

 

And it isn't the wine that is talking, it is your anger. But your anger should be directed at one person only and that is the man who lied and cheated. I honestly believe (in your situation and in mine) that the OW did not intentionally do anything to destroy your relationship. It is your partner telling lies to her and to you.

 

Take care! And please think clearly before doing anything...please please!!!!

[dresden]

I was hoping to hear from you again tonight. You are right. I will pack for him tomorrow before I leave. My 18yo will take our youngest to her activities for me. I also agree that he is telling her as many lies as he has told me. I still hate her, but I learned some thing about her from her ex and kind of feel sorry for her. She's an emotional mess and she's getting into bed with another mess.

 

Thanks for checking on me. I'll let you know how things go tomorrow. I will think three times before I do anything. I am focusing on the kids as you suggested. I'm not so much sad as resigned now.

 

Talk to you all tomorrow.

[pvtpylot]

Originally posted by dresden

It's almost 9. He didn't call and he's not coming home.

 

I had a glass of chardonnay and feel okay. Suddenly realized that I am officially a Single Mother.

 

Anyway, any thoughts on whether I should call the OW's employer and alert them to her affair with my husband? She is a wine saleswoman and he owns a wine shop, so she has been doing special deliveries, etc.

 

I know, I know, he's the freakin' cheater and such, but I would love to give her back a little of the pain I feel.

 

Is this the wine talking?

Hi dresden. New here, but I've read the whole thread (I am so sorry for what you're going through!) so I hope it's OK if I chime in with my experience on this. When my W had her A 5 years ago with her MM supervisor I forwarded a whole bunch of pics and emails I found to their mutual boss. Some of the pics were of each other in their workplace. Anyhow, he got fired, she was allowed to resign, which is what I intended, but then I started getting angry phone calls and emails from *his* W saying that they were going to loose their house now, I should have thought of his kids (I didn't even know he had any), that sort of thing. I guess my point is that by trying to get back at him I just added a whole new layer of problems and stress at a time when I didn't really need any more. Contemplating revenge is one thing, but acting on it usually just complicates things more then they already are. Take care!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by dresden

....that ironically, she doesn't really want him to leave me or live with her.

 

Well, OW should have though about that BEFORE she started something up with a committed man.

 

No matter what you decide later on down the pike, if you don't set your boundaries right now....you'll still be dealing with all this later. It's a matter of clarity and focus, right? It's a matter of YOU deciding what kind of chaos is acceptable in your life.

 

I agree with you. If it were me, I'd ask him to leave. I'd tell him I don't care if he sleeps in his car, or if he sleeps at OW's. At least, this time you know where he went, and he doesn't even have to bother himself to LIE about it.

 

But if you're going to talk to him at all, you can't afford anymore loss of emotional control. You'll be going to court with him some day....and you don't want him making you look bad when you get there. If you're not ready to talk to him, or if you feel your contol slipping....just remember, you are at NO obligation to discuss anything with him.

 

In the matter of exposure. Never expose for the purposes of revenge. You won't like yourself for doing it. However, expose to any and all who further your purposes in the matter of breaking up the affair (if you are trying to reconcile the relationship), or in postioning for financial settlement.

 

Remember though, that if the subject happens to come up with mutual friends and aquaintances, you are at no obligation to keep his dirty little secrets for him.

[Mz. Pixie]

Dresden-

 

Proud of you for standing your ground. Maria had some great advice. I agree that if you actually see him he will try to talk you into letting him stay. More money to spend on the OW!

 

Keep us updated on what happens!

[Maria46]

Please expect the next few weeks to be very trying on your patience. You have to always remember that you are in control. Do not get into conversations where he can wear you down.

 

This is when you have to BE STRONG!!!

 

Remember that we all care about you. You have many friends who love you. And you have your wonderful children.

 

But you are #1!!

 

 

And, please see your attorney and get everything started. NOW!! Protect yourself and what you have. If you do not do this immediately, he can hide assets, transfer assets and you will not receive what you should. And if by chance you talk to him, don't say a word about what you are doing. He will find out soon enough.

But, you MUST do this quickly.

 

Keep a smile on your face!!! Life will get better, I promise!!

[dresden]

Don't get mad - he's sleeping on the couch tonight. He has a (legitimately) important meeting in the morning and needed to be able to shower and dress appropriately for it. He WILL NOT be in my bed, and I told him it was this night only and I don't care what he does after that.

 

I went to my quilt hanging. It was awesome. I was surrounded by Love and hugs and support all day. Lots of offers of places to stay, help, etc. I was so comforted.

 

All my kids are home and we are all watching him and avoiding him. He is obviously uncomfortable here right now. He seems like a stranger.

 

He has decided he wants to try marriage counseling. Following JM's advice I told him HE has to make the appointment. He says he will first thing in the morning.

Of course I think this is BS just to get me to let him stay here. We'll see.

 

He also told me this morning that the OW is basically just for sex, he doesn't want to get in another relationship and I quote: I want to sleep with 50 women because I never got to do that when I was young.

 

I was disgusted. JM is right - I will have to be a detective the rest of my life.

[dresden]

But anyway, that's it. It's this night only, period. Because I don't love him anymore. He knows if he gave up OW he could live here (on the couch) again, but he says he doesn't want to lie to me anymore and what if he promised then got sucked back in with her. I guess that's honesty. But it gives me little comfort and frankly I think MC will be a waste of time.

 

PrivatPylot, thanks for your advice. I have decided not to call her work because I just don't want to spend another minute thinking about her (the whore). And LJ, I have already told him I won't keep his secrets for him and that all the shopkeepers around him know about him. He says you will affect our income but gee, shouldn't he have thought of that himself? His reputation is going to be slowly shredded in this town.

 

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

 

Thanks all. Hugs.

[Ladyjane14]

Honey, nobody would be "mad" at you for doing the best you can. You've got to do whatever it is that feels right for you. Besides, it'll keep him off-balance and guessing.

 

It's difficult to manipulate someone when you never know what they'll do next, right? So tonight, you showed him some understanding. Tomorrow, who knows? He might see that last night's kitten has claws.

 

You do what's best for you. That's the whole point of standing up for yourself.

 

Very cool about the quilt-hanging, btw. I'm a quilter too. Although, I don't get much done in the summer. A nice big, lovely, warm quilt being worked in you lap is cozy in the winter....but summertime's a different story!

[Maria46]

No one is mad at you. I wanted to warn you that this would happen and will probably happen again. It's like two steps forward and one back. All of us that have gone thru this take steps back.

 

But, you have got to understand that IMO, he is still working you. He has got to realize that you mean business. He will continue to have "hard luck" stories and try to make you feel guilty. Bummer....he has important meeting. He made his choice to do what he is doing. Do not accept the guilt he trys to throw at you.

 

And again, I am not mad about the decision you made.

 

You are going thru a horrible situation and I know the pain and confusion you are going thru.

 

 

Have you set up appt. with attorney?????? Very important.

[RecordProducer]

Dresden, I am so sorry, you're coping with this, it must be so painful for you.

I can't read all the posts, just wanted to know how did you come to the point where you stay in the house with the kids and kick him out? Do you have a legal right to do it. I am just worried about you making him so mad that you lose everything at the end. Hope you've talked to a lawyer. If not, you must do it right away.

Don't call the OW and don't do anything stupid. No need to humiliate yourself in front of everyone. Be a good girl as always!

[dresden]

He used my car today for his meeting then went with me to our girl's horse lesson. It was uncomfortable to be with him. He has not yet called the MC.

 

When we got home I made him pack - he took his usual essentials and will come back for other crap later.

 

He wants to take our girl out for dinner tomorrow night. She told him she doesn't hate him but she hates what he's doing.

 

I sold some silver and jewelry today for $500. I have hoarded about $1200 so far.

 

I am making another appt. with the attorney.

 

I called OW's cell and left a message - not threatening her or calling her names - just telling her about his financial situation and telling her to keep her eyes open.

 

Why do I feel so angry and sad all over again? I should never have let him back in here last night. I was okay with it yesterday. Deep breaths...

 

I called the OW's ex to see if he wants to get together tomorrow night - NOT a revenge thing or even sex (although frankly I am missing that) but just to talk to another adult about anything but this horrible situation.

 

Thanks LJ and Maria for words of wisdom, and RP for calmness.

[Mz. Pixie]

Dresden-

 

Be careful honey. The last thing you need is to add confusion to your situation by hooking up with the Ow's ex.

 

Take care of you!

[Maria46]

Yes, we always kick ourselves for taking that one step back. We all make mistakes, and you will probably have other backward steps before this is done. It doesn't make you a bad person and no one (especially me) could get after you for these OOPSes.

 

One thing I have noticed about caring, loving and trusting people is that we always hope for the best, even though we know better.

 

Have you read the book "Women Who Love Too Much", I think that is the right name of it. Woman who forgive, forgive and forgive hoping things will someday get better. Read it many years ago and it may be a good book for you to read some time.

 

And IMO, it isn't a good idea to contact the OW. What good does it do?? Buy yourself a notebook and start a journal with your thoughts and feelings. Write in it when you are distressed, angry, unhappy or just need to vent. Even though no one sees it, or hears you,,.. you get your feelings out. Your journal comes in handy the next time you go thru the same feelings. Read it, remember what you went thru, remember that you don't want to feel this way again.

 

And we are all here for you!!!!

[jmargel]

Dresden,

 

Don't call the OW or her ex. All that is showing your husband is that you are weakening. All that does then is enable him to continue what he's doing because he knows you'll break sooner or later. The OW is not going to call you back, she's going to tell him you called, he's going to say bad things about you to her and then she'll be thinking you are just deseperate to try to get him back.

 

If he hasn't called the MC then that truly shows you what he thinks of the relationship. It's all words to him, it's easy to tell you things that you want to hear. Showing it is what love is all about. Personally if I were in his shoes, now would be the time that my eyes would start to open about what I'm really doing. From here on out there is no excuse. If I were to continue seeing this OW then I am doing it with a very clear conscious knowing what I am leaving behind.

 

You need to turn the tough love up another notch, not take it a notch down. I know it's hard and it's against everything that your instinct is telling you to do but from other people's experiences like yours, this is the best course of action to take.

[dresden]

In a few words, and I understand how disappointed you'll be in me as I am myself, last night I got drunk with a friend then went to OW's house with my daughter in car and asked himto drive me home. He did, he took care of me and got me into bed, and stayed with me. (No sex!)

 

I haven't gotten drunk since I was 24.

 

Today he says he is tired of the drama, and causing me pain, and just wants to do what it takes to make me happy. He is talking about Florida again.

 

He says he will just not call OW and it will die a natural death. Her ex says she may not call him either. He is coming home tonight.

 

Don't rag on me about the ex. He just spent 90 minutes on the phone with me being a little harsh about the reality of what is happening but also reassuring me about my beauty and desirability. We did not make a date or anything.

 

He thought going to OW house is Stupid and doesn't do anything for me. He thought getting drunk means I am letting them control me then they have something else to talk about.

 

He thinks I should take a trip to Seattle and check it out as a possibility and just remove myself from this whole situation for awhile. He thinks it will be a breath of fresh air for me. (He also says the reason my husband is always home on Friday nights is because that is OW's traditional night for dinner w/ her parents.)

 

I think JMargel will want to shake me by the shoulders. I am not good at the tough love. I read Love Must Be Tough but it is so hard to follow through.

 

I am thinking of taking antidepressants for awhile. I don't want to be alone.

 

PS - the friend I drank with called me to say she was sorry for letting me get drunk.

[dresden]

Maria, you are right. I am a loving caring person and I do hope for the best always. I don't want to turn into someone else with bitterness and anger.

Should I just leave? I have $1000 and a Mobil Speedpass to drive cross country with.

[Maria46]

Don't just up and leave. See this thru til the end.

 

And I know how angry you are, but please do not go to OW's house anymore. You could get into legal trouble and why waste your time??

 

Why would you want him back, when he now just says it will end so the drama will end. Wouldn't it be better if he just wanted to be with you??

 

Don't beg him to come back. You are not needy. You don't need him and his BS.

 

Try to focus....Please.

 

We are here for you!

[Ladyjane14]

It's in times of crisis when we most need our inner strength.... it often seems to desert us.

 

But that's not true. Your strength comes from inside you, and from the beliefs that you hold most dear, and from the little things in life which make you happy.

 

Take him back. Don't take him back. As you wish. Either way, it doesn't matter much....as long as you know who YOU are, and you're honoring what's important to you.

 

Spend a little time in self-reflection. Get in touch with the things that you really like about yourself.

 

That's where you find strength. Then, other people can do whatever it is they have to do. And you'll still be centered in who YOU are.

 

 

 

p.s. Let the chaos of the affair go. You can do that best....by not interacting with any of the participants. You may, however, feel the need to deal with your S/O, that's up to you. But those other people (OW and her Ex) don't deserve your time. They can only bring trouble into your life, NOT serenity.

[dresden]

LJ and Maria, once more, thank you.

 

Maria, you are right. I will see this through. And LJ, you remind me of who I really am. I'm going back to the quilt show today, and I'll be surrounded by beauty and love. My little one is going with me - she'll be spoiled all day.

 

He is home for now. Says he will be home for dinner tonight - this will be the first Saturday night he would be home since beginning of June. We'll see. I am not holding my breath. I will just not let him in.

 

I think hormones had a lot to do with my out-of-control behavior. (Always a convenient excuse!) Today I feel calm and centered.

 

Also, some good-looking guy tried to pick me while waiting in line for food at the mall. Just a little thing, but you're right - I am not needy. Thinking about going to nursing school too!

 

I will focus.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by dresden

I think hormones had a lot to do with my out-of-control behavior.....

 

If you feel like this is a problem, then why not make an appointment with your GYN for a check-up?

 

There's a certain amount of fluctuation in our hormonal balance that is normal, of course. And you ARE under alot of stress.

 

But if it's become worrisome to you....you lose nothing by talking it over with your doctor.

 

 

 

Oh, and have a great time at the quilt show.

[peachtree]

dresden, dresden.....give up on him because he obviously doesn't love you--not a great loss since he's such a ****. You really need to face reality now, and to understand that the OW has his heart and SHE is the one he wants, not you. You keep talking about how beautiful you are, and how fat and ugly the OW is, but have you ever seen her naked? Seen her pleasuring him sexually? I didn't think so. Maybe if you'd been more concerned about sexual pleasure and less about quilting, he'd have stayed more interested in you. Maybe even interested enough to marry you, but instead it looks like he may very well marry the OW. He really isn't cheating on anyone anyhow. You are not his spouse. And having children with someone does not require the parents to be a family together... not anywhere in the U.S., thank God for that. Also, it's just a guess on my part, but I'm thinking his lover probably doesn't throw things at his head, causing injuries requiring numerous stitches. Your constant overdramatizing of this situation, to the point of out-of-control, violent behavior--even while insisting to him that he stop all contact with his lover....pathetic, just pathetic. The OW is not just a diversion, as you called her. She is the the woman that he wants to be with. This is blatantly obvious. You are not the woman he wants to be with. Get over it.

 

peachy