Is my "husband" having an affair and what do I do?

[jmargel]

You did do a great job raising your children and you still are. Nothing you could have said or done would have made him NOT do what he did. If you were to have known all this were to happen I'm sure you would never have gotten involved with this man.

 

This guy has a sickness and only a professional can help him. Honestly I highly doubt he did those things to hurt you or children. I am not standing up for him, there is no excuse for what he did.

 

Try to take one day at a time, make sure you & your children lean on each other in this time. I'm so sorry to hear what has gone on. My wife was raped by someone she considered a step-brother about 10 years ago, and just 2 years ago her step-father would try to come onto her sexually. Her mom has stayed with this guy. Right now my wife just started sessions with a psychologist.

 

More than anything show your children you love them. They need that more than anything, even counseling. Here in Pennslyvania there is a program called 'Women in Transition' which would benefit women in your situation. Call your domestic relations office and see if they have any programs in your area. There is assistance, financially and emotionally out there for you and your kids.

[lynnspies1]

Dresden,

 

We all have our crosses to bare, and trust me I know how hard it is just dealing with the infidelity side of things.

 

I have to say it though... Why would you let the man that may have had an inappropriate relationship with your daughter stay in the house. You have a history of abuse in your past, I can't believe you did not want to scratch his eyes out. I don't care if he to sleep in the car, you have to protect your daughter from him and that means get him out now. Get a restraining order if you have to. Show your daughter that this is how a mother is supposed to protect her child.

 

When the dust settles this is how she and you will look back on this mess and say wow, look at how strong we were. When you are 89 and laying in the nursing home she will be there holding your hand saying thanks for always putting me first Mom.

 

You are so right about the A, it is yesterdays news, get over it now, you have to focus 1000% on your kids and yourself. In someways this will be easier, there are no second chances for child molesters. There is no hoping that you and he can work things out, it is over.

 

All my best, Lynn

[Maria46]

Dresden,

 

I am sooooo very sorry to hear that she was telling the truth. What a sick bastard he is!

 

I totally agree with lynnspies about how he should not be at the house.

 

Your daughter says he has been abusing her for 10 years and you let him stay in the house last night? What if he tried to hurt her for telling? I know you are doing the best you can at this time and I don't want to come off like I am chewing you out, but you must show your daughter that you believe her and will do anything to protect her. He has to be OUT!!! He should not be near her at any time.

 

 

Do not beat yourself up with this. You are a good mother and were a good wife. What happens to him now is not for you to worry about.

 

 

Will my husband end up in jail?

 

I would certainly hope so. Prison is a good place for child molesters to learn a good lesson. They are not very well liked by the rest of the inmates. I am sorry, but I don't have any pity for abusers like him.

 

Contact your attorney ASAP please!!! You should try to protect whatever assets you can at this point.

 

And my heart goes out to you. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling right now. Please take care of yourself!! I worry about you!!

 

Maria

[dresden]

He is gone. My 10yo had a swim meet at 7 am this morning. I woke him at 6 and told him he had to leave when we did. He did. He was calm, not angry. Maybe this is what he wanted all along. He left at 7 as did we. I took his garage opener. I could not let him stay in the house alone with my 18yo. He packed some basic things and his coffeemaker - that was what made me realize it was truly and finally over. I am single at 48 with a kid still to raise.

 

Every since my very first post in June, I have tried to focus on getting to this day - the last swim meet for my girl. She was in the last race and did an awesome job. But I stood in a corner afterwards and sobbed. There were two friends there who calmed me and supported me and hugged me. They said the right things - it's about the kids now. Let him go and let him live his crappy life. I made it through to this day and although I thought the outcome would be different (hearts and flowers) and there are ashes in my mouth instead, I did survive the worst ordeal of my life to this point anyway.

 

I am in a state of shock still. I cannot believe he would do that. And yet my daughter has so many memories and details that my son corroborates that it must be true. I even remember a time maybe 9 years ago when I went into her room and he was lying on her bed in his robe and he jumped up real fast - I had a bad feeling but he said he was just talking to her before she fell asleep so I let it go.

 

I have spoken to him this afternoon. He is trying to come up with the cash for plane tickets for me and my girls to visit my friend in Seattle before school starts. I think we all need a change of scene. It may be that we end up living there with her.

 

Thanks JM, Lynn and Maria for being here for me yet again. I am crying again but I know if I could survive the A I can survive this.

[dresden]

He has made an appt. with our business atty. to draw up a support agreement. He says he will continue complete support and wants to make sure I get portion of real estate sale because that is for his daughter's future.

 

10yo is very distant about him. Says we will be fine without him. Should I get her counseling?

[sylviaguardian]

dresden,

 

I haven't been posting for a bit but have been keeping up with your story. I feel sick to my stomach reading what that man has done to you and your family. Please stay away from him. Never let your daughter think you think that she made this up. It would perhaps help her to see a psychiatrist or counsellor at this point. Perhaps she would feel better about going to the police if she knew she had unconditional support. Please do not let him go on his merry way and do this to another child. He is sick and he won't just get 'better'.

 

I am so sorry for you - you must be devastated. I cannot think of a worse thing to happen to you. You should definitely see a counsellor. Your daughter needs a lot of support but so will you. Please don't blame yourself. It is all to easy to look back with hindsight and see the red flags. We can all attest to that on this site.

 

Sending you a big hug,

 

Sylvia

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by dresden

I am single at 48 with a kid still to raise.

 

I made it through to this day and although I thought the outcome would be different (hearts and flowers) and there are ashes in my mouth instead, I did survive the worst ordeal of my life to this point anyway.

 

Maiden. Mother. Crone.

 

You may be 48, but you arent' a "crone" yet. And when finally you are....you WILL be beautiful in your wisdom.

 

Having a man in your daily life doesn't automatically MAKE you a crone. Although, it does make you think about the "maiden" you once were, I suppose.

 

I'm in my forties too. And I think about all that from time to time....and how my time has passed. Sometimes, I wonder if I didn't waste some of it. And other times, I realize that NO time is really wasted, because it shapes who I am NOW.

 

I'm sometimes sad for it anyway, truth to tell. It's a time we NEVER get back, and we miss it. There's no "rewind" on life, like there is on our VCR's.

 

But I'm also thinking that if I don't spend an adaquate amount of time savoring my role as "mother"....I'll never reach the wisdom of the 'grand old dame'....the "crone. And I do want to enjoy that period of my life as well.

 

I hope all that makes sense. I've been pondering on it lately.

 

We spend ALOT of time talking about relationships.... Male and female.... Couples....

 

But there's more to life still, I think. And if we ONLY measure our self-worth in the context of our romantic relationship, maybe we're missing some of the MOST important bits of our life experience.

 

I think it's perfectly okay....wonderful even....if you take this break away from all that, and let the "mother" in you come to the fore. Let her have her shining moment. So that someday, you'll treasure her...much as you treasured "the maiden" you once were.

 

I'm waxing philosophical this evening , but there are times when a person has to redefine their philosophy so as to include the current events in life.

 

This could be a good time for you to reexamine your role as a mother, and take some positive satisfaction in that role.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Having a man in your daily life....

 

Goofy typo. What I mean is...."Not having a man in your daily life...."

 

[dresden]

LJ, I think I will get to that point where I am okay being alone and even love it. This day has been a minute-by-minute realization that one important part of my life is over and I loved that part of my life the best. It's almost insane to say that I was so totally in love for so long with a man who I now know was stealing my daughter's childhood for his own perversions. I can't yet reconcile the two sides of my husband.

 

I do want to step back and examine why I was so blind for so long. I have spent the evening with my 10yo, talking, rearranging furniture to set stages for new memories, throwing out some of my husband's crap (that is fun). My husband is still controlling me through the money thing, I know. I am still confused about what to do for school for our 10yo. Maybe I need to take a breather from decision-making and planning and worrying.

 

It's certainly true that I have always measured myself by the romantic relationships in my life. That's rather sad to realize at this age. I will think about what you said.

 

Sylvia, you are right - devastation is the word. My 18yo has decided not to go to the police. I think she should at least make a statement if she does not want to press charges. But she feels like she confronted him, she told him she knows what he did, and when I kicked him out, it was enough.

 

I feel better now than earlier today. I even ate 3 meals for a change today. Let's hope the healing has begun and tomorrow I can cope even more. Thanks for the hug.

[amberlily]

Hello:

 

Dresden, I don't understand. I've read this this multi-page post and I'm at a loss. There's page after page where you understandably share how devastated you are with your husband's suspected then confirmed affair - it turned your world upside down, you couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. But now you just find out for sure from your dear 18 yr old daughter that he's been sexually abusing her for an entire decade and A) you allow the b_stard to sleep on the couch, under the same roof as you all (including your daughter) and B) you pride yourself on how today you were able to eat 3 meals. My goodness, I just don't understand your reaction. Your dear daughter has been abused by someone she should have been able to trust, and you're more worried about where to send your other child to school, a trip to WA to have a change of scenery and the fact that you were able to eat today. And I don't understand how you would let a child molester sleep in your home, even if it was just on the couch. And your 18 y/o apparently doesn't want to press charges - well what are you going to do about the fact that your "husband" abused your "child" for 10 years? Why aren't you pressing charges? Why are you leaving it up to her? It seems your poor kids have been so involved in all of this affair drama - to an extent that children shouldn't have been involved - did it ever occur to you that maybe the only reason your 18 y/o doesn't want to pursue this is because she's putting your feelings ahead of her own?

 

How can you be so calm in light of this recent horrific revelation?

 

How could you have allowed this monster to have slept on your couch? What on earth must your 18 y/o must have thought - that you would allow this. This is unheard of - for a mom to find out that the child's step-father has been an abuser for many years and then let the sicko spend the night. I don't get it.

[Maria46]

You sound much more composed today. Am glad for you.

 

You said that your daughter doesn't want to talk to the police. I agree with you that she should at least make a statement about what has happened. And I don't think she needs to press charges, as it would be up to the DA.

 

Here I am giving my opinion again on this. I hope you don't mind.

 

If your daughter makes a statement, she may save another young child from the suffering and humiliation she has gone thru. He may just walk into another relationship with built in family and start all over again. He needs professional help. The prosecutor can insist that he seek treatment. This is a serious problem he has. IMO he is not to be trusted around any child. But right now it is up to your daughter.

 

One of my best friends had two daughters from her first marriage. She then married a man that gave me the "creeps". After 5 years of marriage, her youngest daughter told her what your daughter told you. I brought my friend and her daughters to my home and sat with them during the police interview. It was so hard on her daughter to answer all of the questions she was asked, but she did it. The now ex-husband was found to have not only abused my friends daughter, but his own son as well. He cannot be around young children at all now.

 

Please ask your daughter to think about it at least.

 

 

You made me chuckle when you wrote about throwing his stuff out. Sort of reminds me of the "good" (bad) old days for me.

 

Life will get better daily for you and your children!! That is a promise!!!

 

Take care!!

 

Maria

[lust4life]

I think you shold get the family counseling. If he was indeed molesting the kids you may have an attorney work up a stronger agreement of some sort. I know this sounds sick, but he can't support you and the kids from jail and many molesters will only molest within the family...good lord this is sad! true but sad, it seems some pedophiles are only attracted to their own "makings" or family.

 

How sad for you and the children, yes, they need counseling, and they need reassurance that you will try to protect them now.

[dresden]

Amberlily, when the revelation was made, I was operating on four hours of sleep, a lot of fear about the future, and some uncertainty about whether it was all true or made up in anger. My husband has chosen not to go live with OW and we have no family nearby so he has no place to stay. I still loved him Thursday night. I needed time to digest it all. I woke him at 6 Friday morning and told him he has to go. I hope you understand that it was a very painful confusing time for me and my family. It's easy to judge when it isn't your life.

 

Maria, I have talked to my 18yo again and she just doesn't want to deal with the police now. I told her to think about it - that she would have my full support. I also told her not to feel guilty (because she does), and not to let this pervert steal her life and future. The pediatrician gave me a referral for a counselor, and it's on my list for Monday.

 

Unfortunately, I kind of agree with L4L as well. He is our main source of support - actually, only source - and if he is in jail he can't be making money. I plan on squeezing him dry.

 

We had a good day today. I woke up happy. It's all over, not the resolution I wanted but he's gone. He left his iPod behind - I bought my new headphones today :-)

I bought food the family likes to eat - not the fancy fussy expensive stuff he always insisted on. My 10yo went on a walk with me and we saw some neighbors who we used to be very close to until he isolated me from them. We stopped and ended up talking for an hour. This woman is incredibly supportive and offered all sorts of help.

 

We saw a movie, shopped for back to school clothes, etc. My 10yo has resigned herself to attending public school and is now getting excited about making new friends, etc. Another friend has offered to take care of her after school if I am working full-time.

 

We went to my husband's business today to get some shopping cash. IT DID NOT HURT TO SEE HIM! In fact, we spoke like acquaintances. We were civil. I did not see the great love of my life but a sad, tired man who is sleeping on the floor of his business because he is so screwed up about everything. I know I do not love him anymore and I am so happy about that. I haven't lost anything. I have power in a way I never have before. I saw the regret in his eyes and I didn't even feel sorry for him.

 

We added on a new room last fall that was supposed to be his den. I am turning it into my dining room and I might even do it in pink. HA!

[amberlily]

I think you are being awfully selfish, Dresden.

 

All through this Affair ordeal, you've done what a parent shouldn't and you let your own children KNOW the private problems between you and your husband - you had one doing drive-bys for you, to see where your husband was, and prior to this recent revelation about the decade of sexual abuse, your children were as upset as you were about his affair. They had no business knowing about any of this, that's "adult stuff" and way too much for children to have to bear or face, and they shouldn't have to. You should have kept it all to yourself and between you and your husband.

 

Now you find out that your 18 yr old was molested for over half of her life by him and all you can think about is that if he were to go to prison, you wouldn't be able to milk him dry. How sick! You are putting money over "doing the right thing" for your daughter. That is dispicable. What's stopped all these years from getting off your butt and working? I mean, it's not like you had the security of marriage - surely you had to know that should things ever go south, you'd be left on your own. What did you do to protect yourself and help you to be self-sufficient? If your children are 10 and 18, what's stopped you from working?

 

Your husband has committed a crime - child abuse...and by YOU, the MOTHER, doing nothing about it - as far as I'm concerned, you're sending a loud and clear message to your daughter that what he did to her all of those years was "okay." She is going to grow up being very messed up - and will one day likely sit on the stage of Dr Phil's show and share how she was abused by her step-Dad for a decade and when her Mom found out about it, she just let him sleep on the couch and she didn't pursue it, didn't press charges - all she cared about was keeping him out of prison so she could take him to the cleaners. She will remember that her Mom didn't stand up for her, for what was done to her.

 

Do you not get the seriousness of this hear? You posted 11 pages of drama about his affair but now, when your world should be totally shattered because your dear child was sexually molested for a decade by the man you shared your life and had a child with - well you're more concerned with eating and buying fun food and joking about painting the den pink.

 

The decision to press charges shouldn't be left to your 18 yr old - it should be up to you because she was a child for most of those years.

 

Bully for you that you 2 were able to speak civilly to one another when you went there to get shopping money - you were speaking to a man who molested your CHILD. I just don't understand your passivity here.

 

And don't give me this line about how he has no family there and had no place else to stay. Ever heard of a motel? Ever heard of sleeping in his car? Who gives a s*** where he slept that night - out of RESPECT for your daughter, once you learned of the abuse, you should have never had him on the property. What kind of message do you think you sent to her? Again - that it's not such a big deal that he molested her.

 

I feel very very sorry for your children. You don't seem any too stable or bright yourself - you've totally immersed them in your drama with a man you were content to be shacked up with for years, and have a child by........you didn't even have enough self respect to tell him that unless he married you (years ago), that you were gone. You made this bed and now your poor children are going to have to lie in it. And all you care about is getting his money as opposed to making him pay, under the law, for molesting your flesh and blood.

[whyohwhy]

I have to agree with amberlily. Molesting your child trumps (should trump) EVERYTHING else. I know you're confused and upset, dresden - please listen to us so we can help you correct your thinking. The correct response to child molestation, present or past, should be 100% focussed on the welfare of the CHILD.

 

Money's important, but you WILL NOT STARVE. Neighbors, family, food banks, part time jobs, whatever, can keep your family fed while you help the children recover a sense of security in their home life. You've been asleep at the wheel of this family, please wake up RIGHT NOW...

[lynnspies1]

Dresden,

 

Until someone has spent a moment in your shoes they have no idea what you have tried to do these last few months.

 

My concern with your daughter is that if she is hesitant to press charges, did it really happen or like someone else suggested was this a way to get him out of the house?

 

If it really did happen, he will find another woman with small daughters and do them also. That is not acceptable. You could explain it to your daughter like that. Sh could prevent another kid from getting hurt. You don't need to worry about school, jobs or money right now. Get the kids and yourself in therapy. It can even be free in a lot of cases. Then just get through a day at a time. With the kids back in school soon, you can work out all of the other details but it is time for them to be kids again and put this mess out of their heads.

 

Thanks for all of your support with my current mess too.

 

Lynn

[dresden]

Amberlily and whyohwhy:

 

THE COPS said because my daughter is 18, she's an adult and SHE WOULD HAVE TO REPORT THE ABUSE. Not me. I support her in whatever direction she chooses but it is her call. I WANT HER TO MAKE A STATEMENT TO THE POLICE. She does not want to face a trial, interrogation by his attorney, etc. She feels he has been confronted, the truth is out there, he is gone forever. I already have a referral to a therapist from our pediatrician.

 

Our home is owned by his mother. At this point I am trying to maintain the stability of our home. I AM GRATEFUL THAT I HAVE MOVED PAST MY FEELINGS FOR HIM. Have I been crazy? YES!!!! But it is nothing that other women in my position have done. I have heard war stories from my own limited group of friends.

 

I have not been asleep at the wheel. I am a devoted mother and wife. But if people hide stuff from me (including my 2 oldest kids) and I don't have any reason not to totally trust the people I love and live with, how in the world do you think I should know what happened? Telepathy? Little fairies whispering in my ear?

 

SO, if she does not want to go to the police, how do l make him pay for what he did? MONEY, HONEY!!!! It's what he cares most about. If he has to pay an enormous amount of support, his own pretty little lifestyle will be compromised. That is a big punishment for him, believe me. No more $500 dinners out. No more fancy expensive cars. No more little trips to the No-tell Hotel in Boston. If you don't believe this is true, then you live in a fantasy world. Money Makes the World Go Round! His first wife creamed him in court and he has never financially recovered from that. This will be worse.

 

Frankly, I would LOVE to see him led off in handcuffs for what he did. Of course I would!!!! BUT get a clue! How many times have you read of a rape trial where the victim became the defendant? Here there is no direct evidence of anything. It could be painted as a He Said-She Said. Already my husband has said my daughter is unstable and lives in a fantasy world. He was already practicing his defense.

 

You know, maybe she just doesn't want to go through that. I won't force her just because two Dr. Phil wannabes think it should happen.

 

I am awake, whyohwhy, believe me. I am working to bring some happiness back to this house. It has been a crappy summer for us and I am trying to redeem whatever is left of it. He is GONE GONE GONE. I am left to clean up his mess as always and carry on with repairing the damage.

 

I hope in your sad voyeuristic little People Magazine worlds that you never go through what I have gone through. I hope you never find out that your hero has been molesting your child. I hope you never have to figure out how you are going to support all these people after your controlling husband has consistently told you not to work, that you have enough to do at home. I hope you never wake up to find out that he is an accomplished liar. I also hope you never have to deal with all the ramifications of his lies.

 

Was I happy today? Hell Yeah. He is gone. We are moving on.

 

Now that you have vented your judgmentalism on me from your perfect throne in the sky, I won't respond to you again.

[dresden]

I have an appt. with a therapist Monday at 5. I will make my daughter an appt. on Monday for ASAP. I might end up letting her take my appt. if I can't get her another one quickly.

 

I told her that he may do this again. We had a talk about it this morning. But she just kind of wants to hide in a way. I hope that maybe in therapy she will see things differently but I just don't want to force her to do anything - she is pretty fragile right now. She also feels very strong at the same time.

 

I am worried that he is going to do a runner. That is why I am so concerned with getting all my ducks in a row. I want to be prepared. He is having severe mental problems and I worry that he will fall apart and I will be left cleaning up his mess.

 

I hope to heck that she didn't make this up. From the look on her face, her deep anger, her tears...I believe her. My son has corroborated some things she said. So I think it's real. She has an explosive temper over meaningless things. I could never figure out what her problem was - now I know. It explains so much.

 

I'm just trying to love this little group and keep us all together as a family.

[Maria46]

Dresden,

 

I read the posts from Amber and Why earlier today and didn't really know how to respond so thought about it for a bit.

 

First thing is that both of them have been here for less than a month and maybe they should have thought a bit more before they were so insensitive..

 

Amber, IMO, should have been much more sensitive of the situation here. I really doubt if either of them have walked in your shoes. And each and every one of us in this world makes mistakes. The mistakes may seem small to some and huge to others, but I don't believe that people should be attacked for what someone else believes to be a mistake or poor judgment.

 

It would have been better saying that they don't agree with what you did, or how they would have dealt with it.

 

You do know how I feel about your daughter talking to the police. It is quite traumatic to have to go thru that ordeal but I still believe it should be done. I was 4 when I was molested and I think so very often of all of the other children that were molested by this minister that, if I would have spoken up, they wouldn't have gone thru that as well. I was 4 years old and your daughter is 18. There IS enough evidence with your son and daughter and maybe he would accept a plea agreement.

 

You said that your partner said your daughter was unstable. Here's my opinion on that. If you have contact with him, I don't believe that subject should be discussed.

 

I hope you don't feel like I am attacking you on that subject. If any of my children were molested I would certainly go after that person with everything I had. I am not a violent person, but with something like this, I know I would change my ways.

 

That is enough from me on that subject. I know your brain is probably fried by now. Dealing with a cheating spouse and then the sexual abuse.

 

Try to keep things together!!! You and your children are in my thoughts!!

[amberlily]

Originally posted by Maria46

Dresden,

 

I read the posts from Amber and Why earlier today and didn't really know how to respond so thought about it for a bit.

 

First thing is that both of them have been here for less than a month and maybe they should have thought a bit more before they were so insensitive..

 

Amber, IMO, should have been much more sensitive of the situation here. I really doubt if either of them have walked in your shoes. And each and every one of us in this world makes mistakes. The mistakes may seem small to some and huge to others, but I don't believe that people should be attacked for what someone else believes to be a mistake or poor judgment.

 

It would have been better saying that they don't agree with what you did, or how they would have dealt with it.

 

You do know how I feel about your daughter talking to the police. It is quite traumatic to have to go thru that ordeal but I still believe it should be done. I was 4 when I was molested and I think so very often of all of the other children that were molested by this minister that, if I would have spoken up, they wouldn't have gone thru that as well. I was 4 years old and your daughter is 18. There IS enough evidence with your son and daughter and maybe he would accept a plea agreement.

 

You said that your partner said your daughter was unstable. Here's my opinion on that. If you have contact with him, I don't believe that subject should be discussed.

 

I hope you don't feel like I am attacking you on that subject. If any of my children were molested I would certainly go after that person with everything I had. I am not a violent person, but with something like this, I know I would change my ways.

 

That is enough from me on that subject. I know your brain is probably fried by now. Dealing with a cheating spouse and then the sexual abuse.

 

Try to keep things together!!! You and your children are in my thoughts!!

 

Excuse me but what does it matter that I've been here for less than a month? I do know how to read and I've read through this entire thread - so I have the exact same info on the situation as anyone else here does, who may have been here for a very long time.

 

Children, sadly, are abused by family members each and every day - and screws them up for a lifetime. They go on to have issues with trust, self-esteem, self-worth, their sexuality, feelings of guilt and shame, relationships in general. Someone has to speak up for those who are abused.

 

I have never in my entire life heard a Mother be so cavalier about finding her teenage daughter has been molested for 10 yrs. Dresden's reaction isn't even close to being proportional to the enormity of the situation. The poor girl has made to be so involved in the "affair drama" that she likely doesn't want to pursue this because she doesn't want to cause more upset to Dresden, which is unfortunate. What if this sicko goes on to get into another relationship and commits this crime against another young girl? Dresden admits she was abused as a child herself so her reaction is even less difficult to understand. If I came to learn that my husband had molested my daughter, I would come unglued and I would do everything possible to support my daughter - and if she didn't have the courage or strength to press charges (if she was of age), I would do so - out of love for my daughter and also a deep sense of guilt that I didn't notice the "signs."

 

This abuse far outweighs the affair. If parents can't stand up for their children and fight for them, and try to protect them, what kind of parents are they? I'm sure most wouldn't be all excited about turning a den into a dining room.

[dresden]

Gee whiz, amber, what part of "the cops say she has to report because she is an adult and she does not want to" do you not understand?

 

The den-into-dining-room issue is not about anything but finding another way to signal that this man is out of our lives, that we are stronger together without him.

 

Am I supposed to get a gun and kill him for what he did? I have thought about that, believe me, but then I would be in jail and who would care for my children?

 

I am anything but cavalier. I am with my daughter constantly when she is home, and when she is at work I go to check on her several times.

 

I have a feeling you are a 20-something who has a black-and-white reaction to everything from watching Jerry Springer and Oprah too much.

 

If you have nothing constructive to say, please don't post here. Find someone else to berate and criticize with your dime-store psychology. This is a complicated situation and you don't get that.

[RecordProducer]

Dear Dresden,

 

when I read about your daughter being molested by this scum-bag, I started crying inconrtollably. I am still very upset. I was molested by my stepfather from age 12 to 14 for 2-3 years. I didn't tell my mother until I was 23. Actually my ex-husband told her. She divorced him immediately.

But divorcing him was not the end. It was the beginning of our ruined relationship. MIt caused a huge wall between my mother and me that will always stand between us. Even now after 7 years we still can't recover from what happened. We fight 10 times a day and I am sure it's because of that. When she tells me I shouldn't have married my ex-husband, I start yelling at her that she shouldn't have married teh bastard who molsted me. When she tells me I am a bad mother (bullsh*t!), I tell her that she is the bad mother in our house for what happened to me. It seems to me that she doesn't comprehend the heaviness of the crime committed over me.

Parents should be there to protect their children from terrible things. And this is a horrible nightmare that was going on and on and no one was there to save us. Our mouths were shut and we wanted to scream and cry and run, but we couldn't.

On top of all, when our parents finally find out about what was going on, they selfishly try to keep their sanity and all they have to say is "Why didn't you tell me?"

There are many books about it and I told my mom "if you have a problem with why I didn't tell you, just talk to a shrink and he will explain to you why no kid tells anyone."

There is no possible way to recover from sexual abuse. It haunts you for the rest of your life. You stop talking about it and everyone thinks it's gone, but it never is. I still can't stand the pain. Living with the bastard after he stopped molesting me (and during it) was a nightmare. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to kill him. I still want to kill him.

I actually decided to sue him now. I am sorry I didn't do it before. I want to see him in jail. He has to be punished for what he did to me. Nobody has a right to commit such a huge crime over a child, to ruin somebody's childhood and just get away with it.

Just think about all teh years when you thought you were happy, Dresden, and your daughter was sufferring. She wanted to die. She wanted to strangle the bastard with her bare hands. Maybe she is not telling you all this, but believe me that's how we all feel.

I hated my mom for talking to him on the phone when he called. She was cold, they talked about money, but if you aks me she should've killed him. I don't know if you realize the magnitude of his crime or not, I think you're in a huge denial, but your child will not see it that way. She will hate you for mentioning his name (instead of saying "the bastard"), she will hate you for saying "it didn't hurt to see him", she will hate you for caring about his money more than him going to jail, she will hate you because you didn't do anything to save her soul after you found out.

He is not another boyfriend, Dresden. He has destroyed her life.

Going to court is not as bad as it seems. She will tell her story once or twice, but at least he will be punished. You should convince her to do it. It will be the only way for you to keep a healthy relationship and for her to feel that the monster got what he deserved.

You don't need his dirty money, Dresden. Find a job and support your children.

What if he tried to kill your daughter? Would you let him get away with it or would you report him to the police? Well this is even worse.

You think you don't have the strength to deal with the law now... Just wait and see how much strength you will need to deal with your daughter's pain. And it will only de gone if he goes to jail and you know that he is paying for the felony he committed.

But I know you won't listen to me, you will just try and forget about it. Just don't be surprized when you start dealing with your daughter's eternal anger towards you. And make sure she doesn't kill him and be the one who goes to jail, because that's what's she's dreaming about for sure, no matter how calm and sane she seems to you.

[dresden]

RP, please don't think I am not taking this seriously. I was abused by my own father as a child and repressed memories came flooding back when I was 30. I know what she is going through.

 

I talked to a neighbor who is a retired cop today. He felt that since the abuse began when she was young, I could report it on her behalf. He said I should at least try.

 

I talked to my daughter again this morning about going to the police with me. I said "What if he does this to someone else's daughter because we didn't stop him?" She said she would think about it. That's where we are.

 

Thanks and I am so sorry for your lingering anguish.

[Maria46]

I would like to respond to Amberlily.

 

Excuse me but what does it matter that I've been here for less than a month? I do know how to read and I've read through this entire thread - so I have the exact same info on the situation as anyone else here does, who may have been here for a very long time.

 

Children, sadly, are abused by family members each and every day - and screws them up for a lifetime. They go on to have issues with trust, self-esteem, self-worth, their sexuality, feelings of guilt and shame, relationships in general. Someone has to speak up for those who are abused.

 

If you have read every post written, you know that I was molested and my friends child was molested. I know the issues. I deal with them every day of my life.

 

With what Dresden has been going thru for so long and then gets handed another bombshell, I am surprised she is dealing as well as she is. Have you ever dealt with what she has?? I doubt it, because if you would have, you wouldn't have attacked her as you did.

 

She is on a gigantic emotional rollercoaster right now and needs and deserves our support and understanding. We all know that when she let him stay at the house that night it was a mistake. She also knows it was a mistake.

 

Please try to be patient with her. I know she is trying so very hard just keep her sanity about all of this. I would be a nut case if I had to deal with this.

 

You don't think she feels horrible enough already that you had to throw this in as well?

 

a deep sense of guilt that I didn't notice the "signs."

 

What are the signs???

 

Just do us all a favor and get off her back.

[dresden]

Thanks for your understanding, Maria.

Yesterday I took all my husband's clothing out of his dresser and closet. My son "shopped" for some stuff. I am going to sell the rest at a consignment store. Petty? Yeah, but the kids and I hung out in my bedroom just talking and laughing and being together until midnight. That's something that never happened while he was here.

Today I have a laundry list of calls and errands: school registration, counselors, attorney. I am trying to cope, to solve problems, to be strong for the kids, to bind us together as a family.

My 18yo is going to Seattle for 3 weeks to housesit for my friend. I am worried about her being so far away and alone (although my friend has arranged all sorts of things for her). She wants to go and clear her head and be away from here.