Is my "husband" having an affair and what do I do?

[Mz. Pixie]

Dres- I'm so incredibly sorry for your daughter and for you, to have this dumped on you. I'd like to jump in here and put in my opinion for what it's worth.

 

I've been in your daughter's shoes myself, only my mother didn't leave my abuser- she believe him instead of me. She was too weak and afraid of supporting herself to leave him. You are in a bad position but please do not make the mistake of her thinking you picked the money over her. I've been forever damaged by her not taking her job seriously- which was to protect and love me. I'm not saying you're doing that but everyone needs to slow down and think about what's happening here.

 

No amount of money will make up for what he has done to her and likely she will come to resent that he has his freedom instead of a jail cell. In 20 years she will be sorry she didn't prosecute him- as you should surely know since your father molested you. Once she files a report, the DA will press charges she will not have to. Just his presence being around his own daughter- which he shouldn't have custody of either- will make her angry. I nearly disowned my mother because I couldn't stand her to speak my stepfather's name in conversation.

 

How will either of you live if he does it again?? And he will, they all do. He could be molesting his stepgrandkids etc all through his later years. I regret terribly not locking my stepfather up for what he did but my mother was a invalid and on oxygen and since I disliked her tremendously for letting me go through this- I didn't want to have to take care of her- so I didn't do it. I regret it all the time.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, it's just that I've lived this sceanario. Take a deep breath before you guys decide exactly what to do.

[exoticdesi]

Hi dresden,

As much as we would like to help you in any way, I think you should open up another thread elsewhere and let this thread here die, as it is way past the infidelity/affair aspect. Wish you good luck.

[NiCoLe20]

Yes!!! can we have a mod close this thread ?!!!

 

btw: amber i agree with everything you say!! X10000

[dresden]

Ms. P, my daughter and I are talking this through. I am encouraging her to go to the police. But since she is an adult, she has to make the decision. I talked to my attorney and a rape crisis counselor today and they both confirmed this. She will be seeing the counselor tomorrow. I am not allowing my ex to see my youngest at all now until there is some kind of resolution - what, I don't know. But visits will have to be supervised.

 

I agree that this thread is beyond infidelity now, so this will be my last post here. I am so appreciative of the support and good advice I have received over the past 2-1/2 months. When I first posted I never imagined that it would end up as it has. But most of you helped me through it all and let me vent and calmed me down.

 

Anyone who wants to remain in contact with me, please send a private message. I am especially grateful to Mz. Pixie, RP, JMargel, Lucrezia Borgia, Lynnspies and Maria46, who is a true friend.

 

Thanks everyone. See you around the shack.

[geez]

But you are completely deluding yourself. He can easily ERASE contacts and calls on his cell. There IS something going on and the only way you can find out WHAT is with a PI.

[sldkfjsdf]

I think this woman is deluding herself, running after this guy and putting herself further down a whole.

She is SO desperate and afraid of losing this guy. Why on earth do you pressure this guy to marry you all knowing he's having an affair? The only problem she faces is being dependent on him. She needs to get a job and start thinking about HERSELF and HER CHILDREN. Lean on him for financial reasons until you feel secure enough to leave and take your children with you. I know it IS tough and ROUGH, but it has to be done. You shouldn't be begging this guy to stay with you. Life is too short. You should move on and find someone who finally respects you and makes you happy!

[dresden]

For those who are interested:

My strong brave girl went to the police today and made a report.

We are waiting word from them. Something will occur today or tomorrow.

I am so proud of her for seeking justice for herself.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by dresden

My strong brave girl went to the police today and made a report.

We are waiting word from them. Something will occur today or tomorrow.

I am so proud of her for seeking justice for herself.

 

This is good new, Dresden. I think it might help her ALOT in her healing process to not allow herself to be victimized. Pressing charges is a good first step.

[sylviaguardian]

Dresden,

 

I am really pleased that daughter has made that move. It will be tough in the short-term but hopefully better in the long-term as your daughter will not grow up as victim. She will grow up as a person who has something terrible happen to her but who has taken steps to do the best she can in that situation. She will need a lot of support and so will you.

 

I think it is very important that you both see counsellors. You will need help to cope with all of this. I can only imagine how guilty you must feel but it is so easy to point the finger at other people and to say that they sould have done this or that. This is what is wrong with this site. Everyone is only to keen to offer an opinion based on their own experience. Often they have NO idea what the poster is going through.

 

You have got some decent advice here and I am so sorry that it seems to have turned into a free for all. I think you should take your post somewhere where people are more ready to listen and slower to jump in with their 'honest opinion'.

 

Hold your kids close. Together you will pull through this. Don't let this man ruin all of your lives anymore than he has.

 

I wish you all the best for the future. Take care of yourself,

 

Sylvia

[lust4life]

Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

You have been through so much in such a short time. Noone could fault you for anything you are trying to accomplish, they do not understand unless they have been there, and not many of us have.

[dresden]

Thanks L4L and Sylvia:

It has been a learning experience. I got a restraining order today. He spent the night in jail and made bail at noon. He is the talk of our small town. His employee is seriously considering quitting because she is disgusted by him. One of his business partners saw him being arrested. He cannot now talk to or see our youngest. I wonder what he'll do next.

 

My atty was at the courthouse and wants me to file a paternity suit and complaint in equity pronto.

 

I'm tired but all your kind words soothe me. Thanks and love to all the kind hearts.

[lust4life]

Wow, when you get the wheels in motion you make things happen!

 

I can imagine the exhaustion!

 

I have to ask, are you employable? Can you file for state assistance right away?

 

I think it is just a little "payback" (in my own sick mind) that this OW now gets to get grossed out by the man she was cheating with! (I can more easily separate though, and I know you have to be in tremendous pain on top of all of this.) Maybe, just maybe though, your anger at HIM will make any longing for that relationship dissipate more quickly.

 

I hope some of that little town you are in rally around you and reach out to help.

 

 

Prayers are coming your way, I hope your family becomes stronger and closer because of this ordeal.

[RecordProducer]

Dresden, I am so proud of you and your brave girl.

This is wonderful news. No matter how things develop, never regret it. I want to sue my step-father for sexual abuse and it might be too late, but I can't stand the thought that he got away with a heavy crime while I am suffering and will be suffering my whole life because of the injustice. I don't want a heart attack or a stroke at age 50 because the life has set me up. I want to take it into my hands and punish him. Even if I lose at court, I will still make sure that everyone finds out about it so that he dies alone as a street dog. He is 66 years old now.

[peachtree]

"lust4life" ---You wonder if dresden can file for state assistance????!!

 

Great, someone too lazy to get a job, but with plenty of ambition to chase that worthless man around, dragging her kids with her, etc... the whole stupid, sordid story...a woman who posts the most intimate details of her life on this forum, then becomes enraged when anyone criticizes her erratic and violent behavior...I'm sorry, but my hard-EARNED tax dollars can be better spent!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Dresden - you still out there somewhere? Got an update?

[Maria46]

Peachy....Or should I say, the wine sales woman (notice I didn't use lady), You have done nothing on this forum other than to berate, demean and ridicule people.

 

Go out and sell your wine and sleep with the child molester. And may I suggest you keep an eye on R. so he doesn't try to molest your yapping doggie!!

[veronese]

What is it with you?

 

Dresden has been through the mill with her repulsive husband but instead of offering words of support or advice, all you can do is spew out your odious, venomous bile.

 

You criticize her for bearing all here during what can only be described as a hellish time for her, presumably because her pain somehow offends you.

 

Coward that you are you have ommitted to tell your story here, preferring to lurk around occassionally slithering onto a thread with yet another contentious remark intended to offend.

 

From your sporadic posts on LS you appear void of compassion, especially in the cases of heartbroken wives.

 

I would love you to post your very own thread where you would get the opportunity to here others' opinions and views on your situation. But then you wouldn't dare do that would you Peachy, you can give it but you can't take it.

 

Sorry for hijacking the thread guys....

 

Dresden, how are you? Please let us know you're ok

 

V x

[Maria46]

You would think peachtree would get off of Dresden't back since she (was the OW) and is now sleeping with Dresden's ex (the child molester)

 

Soon peachy will be writing her own sob story of how her yappy dog was sodomized by R.

 

You were just to obvious and we all know who you are, so..........Peachy, you got what you wanted and then some so get off of it!

[peachtree]

Maria, you are confused. I DO NOT sell alcohol. YOU do, according to your profile. I am NOT the "Wine Sales Woman."

 

Just to answer some of the comments I'm getting every time I post here, let me attempt to defend myself. I have a real problem with women who berate other women for how they look. Nothing sets me off quicker. For example Dresden, with her comments about how the OW was "fat and ugly" etc., but Dresden herself is so good-looking... The young girl in another thread who thought the man she was dating shouldn't be attracted to any other woman in the whole world, because she herself was everything he could want, etc. Please! Men are weak and stupid for the most part, and rather than this constant worry over whether we "look better" than the next female, we could better spend our time enjoying our lives, with or without men, forgetting about this total preoccupation with whether or not we are the "fairest of them all", and whether our partners are "faithful." We need to realize that most men are NOT faithful, and forget about it. If "your man" screws around on you, screw around on him! And this "total disclosure" business of "wanting to know everything" when one's partner has been unfaithful, that's got to be counter-productive. Why care? Obviously, the two got aroused, then they had sex. Probably a few hundred times more than they are admitting to. Forget about it. I am serious. And yes, I HAVE been "cheated on." Rather than ruin my life, it gave me new freedoms. Please think about what I am saying before being so quick to criticize.

 

Peachy

[veronese]

I have a real problem with women who berate other women for how they look. Nothing sets me off quicker. For eDresden, with her comments about how the OW was "fat and ugly" etc., but Dresden herself is so good-looking...

 

Isn't it perfectly normal for a betrayed wife to compare herself physically to the OW? When I found out about my husband's friends I admit I was incredibly curious about their appearances, what did they have (or not have) that was so appealing or different from what he had with me? I am so glad I have never seen any of them though, they're faceless so easier to forget.

 

And also why does this one point rile you so much? Doesn't the fact that Dresden's husband not only cheated on her with the wine woman but more importantly, sexually abused her daughter over a number of years affect you at all?

 

The woman is dealing with a shattered family and is trying to hold things together, so your preoccupation with her earlier insults towards the OW seem a tad insignificant given the circumstances.

 

 

Men are weak and stupid for the most part, and rather than this constant worry over whether we "look better" than the next female, we could better spend our time enjoying our lives, with or without men, forgetting about this total preoccupation with whether or not we are the "fairest of them all", and whether our partners are "faithful."

 

I don't think many of us constantly worry about our appearances in comparison to the next female. Until we discovered our husband's were having affairs with OW we did spend our time enjoying our lives, as a family and as individuals.

 

My husband is far more attractive than me, so are many many women in the world, but I am not so shallow as to stress myself about it. I also didn't worry about his fidelity, I trusted him implicitly (more fool me). I'm confused as to why this subject rattles you so much?

 

 

We need to realize that most men are NOT faithful, and forget about it. If "your man" screws around on you, screw around on him!

 

Oh yes Peachy, that would solve everything wouldn't it. And I presume the minors detail of emotional pain and anguish are irrelevant and unimportant? Don't you remember how much it hurt?

 

 

And this "total disclosure" business of "wanting to know everything" when one's partner has been unfaithful, that's got to be counter-productive. Why care? Obviously, the two got aroused, then they had sex. Probably a few hundred times more than they are admitting to.

 

Easier said than done Peachy. I think a lot of BS want to know everything purely to be enlightened and informed about who they are married to and the full extent of the affair. Because as everyone here knows, the cheating spouse is generally reluctant to spill the beans voluntarily leaving many questions unanswered. Discovering your spouse has cheated on you cannot be brushed off in the manner you describe. Why care? Because the details and depth of the affair determines the eventual outcome.

 

 

And yes, I HAVE been "cheated on." Rather than ruin my life, it gave me new freedoms. Please think about what I am saying before being so quick to criticize.

Peachy

 

I think that's the first piece of personal information you've shared with us Peachy, thank you. I'm glad that being cheated on gave you such a boost. Were you married to this person? When you found out were you automatically cool about it? Were you in love with your partner? Weren't you even a teensy, weensy bit upset to find out you'd been lied to and cheated on?

 

I have thought about what you have said,..

 

The whole stupid, sordid story....

Peachy

 

Great, someone too lazy to get a job....

Peachy

 

A woman who becomes enraged whenever someone criticizes her erratic and violent behaviour...

Peachy

 

I can only assume you didn't read the whole thread Peachy to have reached this opinion of Dresden. She's had a really tough time and her daughter has been sexually abused by her partner.

 

Tell me then Peachy, apart from bitching about the OW a bit, what did Dresden say exactly to make you so bloody impatient with her?

 

 

Once again, apologies for taking over this thread, but I felt compelled to say something to Appleblossom (sorry, Peachytree)

[Maria46]

Peachy

 

This forum is not for you to attack other people and to get great happiness from their pain.

 

I am not the only one that feels this way about what you say and how you say things to people who obviously need compassion.

 

What is it with you?

 

Dresden has been through the mill with her repulsive husband but instead of offering words of support or advice, all you can do is spew out your odious, venomous bile.

 

You criticize her for bearing all here during what can only be described as a hellish time for her, presumably because her pain somehow offends you.

 

Do you have compassion for anyone or anything?? Here are some of your statements that were made deliberately to cause more grief:

Great, someone too lazy to get a job, but with plenty of ambition to chase that worthless man around,

 

Do you know her or did you get the info from R?

 

but have you ever seen her naked? Seen her pleasuring him sexually? I didn't think so. Maybe if you'd been more concerned about sexual pleasure and less about quilting, he'd have stayed more interested in you.

 

Do you know about their sex life from listening to R? And are you showing any compassion to this woman who is going thru emotional turmoil?

 

Your constant overdramatizing of this situation, to the point of out-of-control, violent behavior--even while insisting to him that he stop all contact with his lover....pathetic, just pathetic

 

Pathetic? She is asking the people on LS for advice. She is not asking for anyone to beat her up because she has feelings. Again....Where is your compassion??

 

Guess what Cutie, it isn't how your face and body look, so much as what you CAN DO with them that really matters.

 

This is how you show compassion to someone who doesn't believe her bf should go to strip clubs. Your comment was demeaning. And it is not what "you can do with them." Relationships are not just sex

 

Just as a person requires some basic knowledge of an automobile before they attempt driving one, you need to acquire some basic knowledge of male behavior before attempting to "OWN" one! ha ha! GET OVER IT, and GET OVER YOURSELF.

 

Another lesson you are trying to teach us on how to show kindness and give support to other people

 

? um, she already DID get him

 

This comment made to a woman who's husband also had an affair. The rest of your post was well written, but was that comment neccessary?

 

Ok...let's look at all the posts you have made. You have made a total of 6 which includes the one I am answering right now. So that leaves 5 posts. Of those 5 posts, there is only one where you did not make some kinds of sarcastic, hurtful comment.

 

So now, lets get to what some of the other members here think of your posts.

 

What is it with you?

 

Dresden has been through the mill with her repulsive husband but instead of offering words of support or advice, all you can do is spew out your odious, venomous bile.

 

You criticize her for bearing all here during what can only be described as a hellish time for her, presumably because her pain somehow offends you.

 

Coward that you are you have ommitted to tell your story here, preferring to lurk around occassionally slithering onto a thread with yet another contentious remark intended to offend.

 

From your sporadic posts on LS you appear void of compassion, especially in the cases of heartbroken wives.

 

I would love you to post your very own thread where you would get the opportunity to here others' opinions and views on your situation. But then you wouldn't dare do that would you Peachy, you can give it but you can't take it.

 

 

I find your response interesting, peachtree. You first registered here within the past month, you've posted only 3 times - and all of your responses have been hostile and poking fun at the female posters who were clearly upset and hurting. i find it more interesting that you would be so "sure" of yourself in this response to Dresden - you sound like someone who's taken her situation personally. Are you the wine saleslady?

 

How rude, not to mention odd, that you would throw Dresden's pain in her face and suggest she should have spent less time quilting and more time pleasing her husband. How do you know how much time she spent quilting? Do you think women should just sit at home, at their man's beck and call, have no interests or hobbies - just be there to greet him at the door with his slippers and a plate of homemade cookies?

 

Peachtree-

 

As a former OW, let me tell you your post was rude and appalling. I find that anytime someone needs to take the time to say something like this- you're trying to justify your own actions. Don't bother, I've been where you are, and there is no possible way to justify what you're doing.

 

I find it heartbreaking also that you would be in this much pain to come here and take it out on someone you don't even know. Perhaps some counseling might help you??

 

 

I don't know who peachtree is but she certainly has selfesteem issues and thinks she looks hot naked but horrible clothed?? Whomever she is believes all her selfworth comes from between both sets of lips and is only a justifable woman if a man has penetrated them! Good Lord, doe she have issues!

 

This atittude may help you when a man leaves you with children some day!

Just tell him "I know you love the other woman, good luck, darling!"

 

I think about half of you need to grow up! This a forum for open opinion's, but these stupid cat fight should stop. I won't say any name's but some of you may need to grow up just a little.

 

And also why does this one point rile you so much? Doesn't the fact that Dresden's husband not only cheated on her with the wine woman but more importantly, sexually abused her daughter over a number of years affect you at all?

 

The woman is dealing with a shattered family and is trying to hold things together, so your preoccupation with her earlier insults towards the OW seem a tad insignificant given the circumstances.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by peachtree

We need to realize that most men are NOT faithful, and forget about it. If "your man" screws around on you, screw around on him!

 

 

 

Oh yes Peachy, that would solve everything wouldn't it. And I presume the minors detail of emotional pain and anguish are irrelevant and unimportant? Don't you remember how much it hurt?

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by peachtree

A woman who becomes enraged whenever someone criticizes her erratic and violent behaviour...

Peachy

 

 

I can only assume you didn't read the whole thread Peachy to have reached this opinion of Dresden. She's had a really tough time and her daughter has been sexually abused by her partner.

 

Tell me then Peachy, apart from bitching about the OW a bit, what did Dresden say exactly to make you so bloody impatient with her?

 

 

This forum is not for you to take your anger out on other people. And from what I see, you are selective about who you attack, ridicule, insult and offend.

 

I will suggest as others have suggested to you, that maybe you should see a counselor. The majority of the members here try to help and comfort each other. We try to ease the pain, not cause more pain.

 

If you are going to respond to posts, why not be constructive and show love instead of hate.

 

Do I need to say more?

[NiCoLe20]

dsreden made this situation worse for herself. we have a right to state our opinions. i agree with peachtree. this woman came on here talking about how her 'husband' cheated on her and such... she shouldve sent him packing when this occured the first time. instead, she came on here and explained how they went out to eat, did family things, and let him sleep on the couch AFTER she found out he molested their child. thats a disgrace, and sickening to be honest. im not saying she deserves to be critisized, but, dont come on here posting dumb things you do , and expect to hear good things! give me a break

[dresden]

Hugs to all you wonderful friends who dealt so effectively with bitter, angry Peachshrub. There is nothing more to say to her. She is on my ignore list anyway.

 

Here's where we are:

My youngest started public school after homeschooling all her life. She has adjusted very well, just hates having to get up early. Making lots of new friends and enjoying new experiences. She is not so angry anymore, more like the happy little girl she should be.

 

My older girl is visiting friends for a few weeks and enjoy a change of scene before the grand jury, etc., starts. I can't wait for her to come home. She is completely independent for the first time in her life and although she is dealing with depression, she is also getting out and doing new things.

 

I am job hunting. Haven't heard anything yet but I haven't worked in 14 years so I'm not too surprised. I try to be positive but it's hard. I just keep plugging. I am applying now for almost anything that will allow me to make a decent wage with benefits so I can support my kids.

 

The Creep (my ex) is sending a voluntary $150 a week. He is also planning on lying to the court and saying he only makes $20,000 a year. It will be very interesting to hear how he justifies his lifestyle on that. I'm sure the IRS can't wait to hear also.

 

He moved in with his OW after I kicked him out. When the club from which she rents her cottage read the story of his arrest in the local papers and saw the address, they told her "He goes or you go." So he moved out. Ha Ha Ha! Of course, he moved to a luxury hotel in Boston with a rooftop pool to sit by and feel victimized.

 

He got a restraining order against me. Here's why: about 2 weeks after his arrest, I was driving down the main street in town behind a ginormous SUV and when it turned off, I realized he had been driving in front of it. I followed him around a corner because that's where I was going then drove away. He said he had been in fear for his life! :-) My two girls were in the car with me. He just wants to be seen as a victim and not a victimizer.

 

My best friend is loaning me the money for my atty's retainer. Other friends have sent money and grocery store gift cards. I am hoarding money and living as cheaply as I can. We go to the library to get movies for free, we eat every meal at home, my daughter takes her lunch to school every day. I am buying work clothes at the thrift shop. I am trying to justify spending $14 to get my hair cut so I look a little more polished at job interviews.

 

I have applied for state health benefits but not food stamps or welfare and I won't either. I am trying to get a full-time job and then I want to get a second part-time job so I can support my girls. The Creep is paying utilities because if they are turned off he will be arrested again for violating the restraining order.

 

His employee quit, his friend stopped doing the freebie online newsletter, the shop next door where he was arrested threw him out and stopped telling people to buy from him. His brother came to town and tried to have me and the kids thrown out of the house. Fortunately, his atty at the time who knows me, told him that it would look bad in the criminal case. But he got a Boston atty to go after me. He just doesn't get that this is about making sure our daughter is taken care of. She has always wanted to be a vet and I mean to make sure that dream comes true.

 

I finally finished a book which is huge for me. I laugh a little every day, I try to be upbeat about the future and hide my fear from my little one. I am grateful for every scrap of kindness. I try to remember that no matter how awful a turn my life has taken, there are those with problems that must seem insurmountable, like the hurricane victims. I have friends and family, and if I walk out of this with my dignity, I'll be happy.

 

Finally, just in case there are any doubters: after the Creep's arrest hit the three local papers, a former employee of his called and said he had molested her and another girl at a business he used to own about 8 years ago. They Reported It To The Police! Their statements are still on file. The girls I guess decided not to go forward but the DA has their statements and they will be presented to the grand jury.

 

I keep wondering how come I didn't see him for who he really is. I wonder how he will survive in prison without Armani clothes and a wine list. I wonder how my older daughter will overcome what he did to her.

 

I'm just trying to find some way through it all while keeping my family intact. Love goes a long way toward healing, I hope.

 

And as always, I never would have survived all this without the advice and caring of all of you.

Hugs and wishes for the best for all of you.

Feel free to PM if you like.

(Except bitter angry peachweed - you need therapy!)

[veronese]

Jesus, you guys are all heart aren't you?

 

It's easy to have opinions but harder to put some effort into reaching them.

 

Everything Dresden has done has happened while she has been in a state of shock.

 

When she initially discovered he was having an affair she was completely horrified, she loved this man remember? OK, she didn't kick him out that night but why would she? She had so much information to digest and was totaly shell-shocked.

 

Then she found out that the man she had loved and trusted was worse than a slimey cheat, he was a pervert, a monster.

 

If those of you who criticize Dresden't actions ever have the misfortune to find yourselves in her position you would be hard pushed to cope as well as she has and with as much dignity. She's not claiming to be perfect, she's trying to do her best for her children that's all.

 

She told her story here to get advice. Everyone is entitled to their opinions too. I just wish those opinions weren't so sanctimonious and judgemental at times.

 

There but for the grace of God...........

[veronese]

Our posts must have crossed, I was replying to that arsey spiel by Nicole.

 

So good to hear your holding things together - you sound so much better.

 

It sounds like you have some good support there, accept any offers of help if it alleviates some of the burden.

 

I hope your daughter is doing ok, she's in my thoughts.

 

I don't know if anyone ever asked this but is there any possibility your ex could have interfered with your youngest girl? If I remember correctly she's around the age your elder daughter was when he began molesting her isn't she?

 

Don't want to worry you Dresden but thought it worth mentioning just in case. I do hope this isn't the case though.

 

Keep in touch

 

Veron x