MM trying to repair marriage with no DDay, what should I prepare for?

[lemondrop21]

My exMM did not have a DDay. He pulled the trigger on ending our A although I had blown up at him the previous day, and had cut him off for the previous several weeks... so it felt like more of a mutual decision.

 

It was an EA/PA, he claimed to love me and in theory wanted a relationship between us to work, but could not break up his family. He feels he owes it to his children to work on the marriage and see if it can be saved. I believe he still loves his wife at least in certain ways and I believe they are relatively amicable at this stage. So now he is trying to work on his marriage.

 

We are 18 days NC and my question is, what am I in for in the coming months? I am starting to get fearful that he will try and break NC and will set me back in my healing. I may need to take the total blocking more seriously than I have so far; right now we are mutually sticking to NC without many blocks.

 

My sense is that due to no DDay, he is more likely to try and break NC at some point because he isn't being monitored, nor has he been forced to reckon with his w's reaction to the A. On the other hand, maybe his willingness to end it on his own signals a greater commitment to his marriage than some have. So maybe he's more likely to keep up NC.

 

Thoughts?

 

PS - there is some part of me that wants him to try and reach out. But there is also the part of me that is fearful of erasing all of my healing so far, and that's the part that is motivating me to post this.

[Grey Cloud]

My exMM did not have a DDay. He pulled the trigger on ending our A although I had blown up at him the previous day, and had cut him off for the previous several weeks... so it felt like more of a mutual decision.

 

It was an EA/PA, he claimed to love me and in theory wanted a relationship between us to work, but could not break up his family. He feels he owes it to his children to work on the marriage and see if it can be saved. I believe he still loves his wife at least in certain ways and I believe they are relatively amicable at this stage. So now he is trying to work on his marriage.

 

We are 18 days NC and my question is, what am I in for in the coming months? I am starting to get fearful that he will try and break NC and will set me back in my healing. I may need to take the total blocking more seriously than I have so far; right now we are mutually sticking to NC without many blocks.

 

My sense is that due to no DDay, he is more likely to try and break NC at some point because he isn't being monitored, nor has he been forced to reckon with his w's reaction to the A. On the other hand, maybe his willingness to end it on his own signals a greater commitment to his marriage than some have. So maybe he's more likely to keep up NC.

 

Thoughts?

 

PS - there is some part of me that wants him to try and reach out. But there is also the part of me that is fearful of erasing all of my healing so far, and that's the part that is motivating me to post this.

 

I think based on your situation that he will break NC. If he sees you from a distance a few times a week then it is not out of sight out of mind type thing. Was his wife suspicious at all? That is what REALLY spooked my xMM when his wife asked him if he was having an affair and she mentioned my name. All of a sudden he couldn't keep his two lives separate and he panicked. I think he also realised what exactly he would have to lose if she did find out. Even though he found another job and he moved on he was the first one to say before that happened that we can't continue with the out of hours contact as he was trying to act 'normal' at home to avoid further suspicion and questions. If your xMM wife has no idea then I would say it would be a lot easier for him to re-start something with you. All I can say is that it WILL totally set you back. He will just want what he had before - a bit of fun on the side at work and keep his home life just the way it is. I think you are the one that is going to have to remain strong in this equation!

[Adoraxx]

We did not have a Dday either, and one of the last times I saw xMM, he repeated that he is 'crazy about his W'. He has gone disappearing many times before and always reappeared at some point, but this is the longest he has stayed away and I think he won't reappear this time. I still don't understand why he has stayed away for so long now. It's not like I want to be back into the A with him, but I don't understand how he cut me off this easily this time and I truly feel like I'm dead to him now.

 

Is this the first time you and xMM have gone NC?

[Adoraxx]

p.s. In the past W was suspicious but not anymore ( he said so , and even though he lies a lot, I do believe that). He lied to me that he still wants contact but I haven't heard from him anymore

[lemondrop21]

I think based on your situation that he will break NC. If he sees you from a distance a few times a week then it is not out of sight out of mind type thing. Was his wife suspicious at all? That is what REALLY spooked my xMM when his wife asked him if he was having an affair and she mentioned my name. All of a sudden he couldn't keep his two lives separate and he panicked. I think he also realised what exactly he would have to lose if she did find out. Even though he found another job and he moved on he was the first one to say before that happened that we can't continue with the out of hours contact as he was trying to act 'normal' at home to avoid further suspicion and questions. If your xMM wife has no idea then I would say it would be a lot easier for him to re-start something with you. All I can say is that it WILL totally set you back. He will just want what he had before - a bit of fun on the side at work and keep his home life just the way it is. I think you are the one that is going to have to remain strong in this equation!

 

Interesting that she asked about you specifically! I think that my xMM's wife must have said something over Christmas that made him panic, because after Christmas, he told me, "If she found out, she would leave in heartbeat. I know this for a fact."

 

He also mentioned all the small-town gossip about affairs that he was subjected to over Christmas, so it was probably in that context that she stated she would have no tolerance for it.

 

I'm sure he is being a perfect doting husband right now. This might cool down her suspicions enough to allow him to try and restart. We'll see. I hope their marriage gets better, he leaves me alone, I find someone single and wonderful, and all live happily ever after.

[lemondrop21]

We did not have a Dday either, and one of the last times I saw xMM, he repeated that he is 'crazy about his W'. He has gone disappearing many times before and always reappeared at some point, but this is the longest he has stayed away and I think he won't reappear this time. I still don't understand why he has stayed away for so long now. It's not like I want to be back into the A with him, but I don't understand how he cut me off this easily this time and I truly feel like I'm dead to him now.

 

Is this the first time you and xMM have gone NC?

 

It seems a bit unnecessary for him to state to you that he is "crazy about his wife." Couldn't he just say that he is working on his marriage? Was he actively trying to hurt you in order to push you further away?

 

We have been in NC twice before but with the intent of it being a break, not necessarily permanent. This is the first time it's been with the intent of being permanent, and it does feel very different.

[imperfectangel]

Isn't it funny how they like to separate everything? I have tried to end the a many times over the years (!) but was never ever strong enough. A few months ago I told mm that I would tell his wife (had no intention to but he faked a d day with me in May last year) I was only joking at the time but it seemed it played on his mind. A few months ago he appeared on my what's app he must not have realised I had it and boom there was a lovely fake happily families picture with yet another child he didn't tell me about and that just seemed to send him over the edge. I think he felt the walls closing in. We were supposed to meet up a few weeks ago but I couldn't face him and that's when he told me he had to "move on".

 

We never talked about going NC but I haven't heard from him since except the next day offering to meet up again and I said no. I couldn't bare the thought of the humiliation of him ending it face to face.

 

I sent a few messages asking if he was serious about ending it but got no response.

 

I've gone a week without breaking NC and I feel better for it though I must say this was a long time coming wasn't a shock and I really do feel done but I needed him to end it. Idk why. But him not contact me has only helped me

 

I know he will be back at some point how I will handle it idk I won't be blocking I don't believe in that

[Grey Cloud]

Interesting that she asked about you specifically! I think that my xMM's wife must have said something over Christmas that made him panic, because after Christmas, he told me, "If she found out, she would leave in heartbeat. I know this for a fact."

 

He also mentioned all the small-town gossip about affairs that he was subjected to over Christmas, so it was probably in that context that she stated she would have no tolerance for it.

 

I'm sure he is being a perfect doting husband right now. This might cool down her suspicions enough to allow him to try and restart. We'll see. I hope their marriage gets better, he leaves me alone, I find someone single and wonderful, and all live happily ever after.

 

Yes, the W said to my xMM that the mention of my name made her radar go off. My xMM in trying to be "truthful" would mention my name in a work context. Well apparently he talked about me a little too often and would look "dodgy" when talking about me so she got suspicious. Also after a work event there was a group of us who went out for a few drinks. My xMM friends met up with him and I got introduced to them as his co-worker. Anyway, a few weeks later one of his friends said to him in front of his W "that girl x from your work seems really nice". Apparently his W was not happy at all I was there and xMM had not mentioned I was there that night. Her intuition about things was spot on! Of course coming out of the fog now I feel really bad that she went through several months of feeling anxious and uncertain.

 

Do you feel jealous at all that he is working on things with his w? Just curious because when my xMM started doing the same I felt jealous even though the crazy thing was I was doing the same with my marriage! But I was such a mess by then I kept thinking that I was the one that ended up bringing them closer together (because he realised what he could have lost etc). But I guess he was always upfront about loving his W. And yet he still had an A. He was the classic cake eater stereotype.

[elaine567]

Why do you need to prepare for anything?

 

Break up by the MM, who has decided to work on his marriage. Good.

 

Go NC, stop thinking about him, life your life and one day you will start to heal.

 

All this mulling over, speaking about him, "preparing" for his assumed contact at some point, just nullifies the good NC will do you.

 

I know affairs for some OWs take on "magical" qualities, but surely this needs to be seen as the break up of a relationship, just like any other.

Stop "preparing" and do yourself a favour, and start real NC.

[sandylee1]

When you say what do you have to prepare for..it sounds like you're still in the affair. One OW who didn't want to get reeled back in the affair drafted an email to her EX MMs wife detailing the whole affair ... with attachments and said if he ever tried to contact her again she'd send it to his wife....so he knew exactly what his wife would know.

 

Guess what? She never heard from him again.

 

She knew she'd cave if he came back and had to do something drastic.

[Adoraxx]

It seems a bit unnecessary for him to state to you that he is "crazy about his wife." Couldn't he just say that he is working on his marriage? Was he actively trying to hurt you in order to push you further away?

 

We have been in NC twice before but with the intent of it being a break, not necessarily permanent. This is the first time it's been with the intent of being permanent, and it does feel very different.

 

I don't think he was actively trying to hurt me by stating that he is so crazy about his W, but perhaps he did!! I never thought about that really, but now that you're saying it...

 

I do know that he doesn't want to lose his W or his house or his belongings, and I think that's one of the reasons possibly that I don't hear from him anymore.

[whatatangledweb]

Why are you giving him all the power Lemondrop? Do you want him to come back? If not, then don't wait for him. Block him. Take your future back and your power.