Ask a woman from meetup to hang out?

[angel.eyes]

Did you ask her out on a date? Or did you ask her when she was going to another meetup event?

[Chris2016]

I did pretty much what d0nnivain suggested.

 

I wanted to send out a "feeler" or small talk, and take it from there, positive or negative.

 

A message asking her if she's going to another MeetUp group & stating that you would enjoy talking to her again would be acceptable. Don't push it past that.

[normal person]

I want to focus in on THIS statement. I would have to disagree as I think a man is displaying confidence by, how you put, sticking his neck out "unnecessarily." Why you may ask?

 

Because doing so exudes confidence and what's been mentioned on these boards here constantly that women likes a man that can take charge and show confidence, right?

 

Confidence is good, no doubt. But do you know what's better than a man who has the level of confidence to ask a woman out? A man that's so confident that he doesn't even have to, he can make her want him so bad that she practically does it for him and falls in his lap. Why? Because the more desire you express in a person, the more leverage they have over you. When you ask someone out, you're admitting that you want their affection, you're designating them as the gatekeeper of the situation. So while it may be "confident" in a way to ask, you're still, in a sense, admitting that the other person holds your fate in their hands. So while people may think that they're attractive by acting with the utmost confidence, when you ask someone for something, you're actually submitting to them. It's still the less attractive of the two positions. You can ask someone for money with confidence. But they're still the one with the money, and you're still the one who needs it.

 

Whatever the gender role:

Being asked is more attractive than having to ask. That's why "asking" never sits well with me. It's much better to create a situation where she asks you or, or puts you in a position where you know the answer or can just dictate the terms. See my OKCupid example from earlier, it's very relevant here. If you can position yourself as the thing someone else wants, you dictate the terms of the interaction. You don't have to face the implications of being turned down because you're the one deciding to turn down or not.

 

How does this apply to the OP's scenario? Rather than submit to her and have to ask her out, his odds of success are much greater if he can interest, impress, and win her over to the point where she wants to go out with him. Acting on the chance that she just might like him without any indication is like spinning a roulette wheel. Yeah, you might win money, but you'll likely lose it. If you want money, just go tough it out at your desk and do your job. Put the effort in. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's definitely doable with work and the right skills. But if you're capable, you're guaranteed the payday.

 

If I did what you described...I'd NEVER or RARELY ask anyone out. But, I do have a line drawn somewhere, so if they seem "gregarious" in nature or friendly by default...I'll "stick my neck out" yes..."unnecessarily"? Nope.

 

Fair enough. But confidence doesn't guarantee success. It may increase your chances. You're not nuking your chances by sticking your neck out a bit. However, at that point I don't think you always have to go for the goal. If the person is gregarious and friendly towards you, see to what extent it goes to. Let it happen organically, play it cool, work to garner interest, and see at what point it turns to more than friendly. When and if it does, then you get all your answers right there and you're likely the one in control of the situation, not the one asking. This is why I think it's a "lesser" move for OP to show his cards and message the girl; he's submitting. It's more advantageous to flip the scenario and get her to come around to him.

[LookAtThisPOst]

He can make her want him so bad that she practically does it for him and falls in his lap.

 

Ludicrous! See my recent post about the man attempting to get a woman to like him via Valentines Day. He was trying to "make her want him." by partaking in an unrequited romance.

 

Either she's attracted to you or she's not. People here have actually said that within minutes of meeting you, she'll be able to determine if she wants to kiss you (or anything physical). There's no "making her want him."

 

This isn't "Love potion #9"

 

Why? Because the more desire you express in a person, the more leverage they have over you.

 

I have no idea where you're getting this idea. "Leverage", you're comparing dating to a Hollywood

version of a hostage negotiation. There's no corellation here.

 

I just scan read through the rest of the crap, esp. when I saw this "balance of power/ "submitting" bullc**p and it sounds so "Pick-Up Artist" in nature and this something that isn't comparable to desk job either.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Why wait to ask her in person? I sort of understand why, but don't.

 

I don't want to build myself up to that.

 

- Seeing when we'll rsvp to the same event again.

- Seeing if she would be fun to be around again. And chat with again.

- Get rejected in person; given a fake number; flaked on.

 

 

I agree that, it shouldn't be a deal breaker, messaging her through the Meetup app, if she was interested.

 

Find out now. While I'm not emotionally invested. Rather then build myself up, hoping and dreaming. Only to find out later, what I could have found out sooner.

 

For every single time I have been rejected by a woman (and there are many), it is possible to blame myself for doing something to 'screw up'.

 

But I'll give you a piece of good advice.

 

Don't assume that she rejected you. If you see her again, play it off like she never read the message and ask her again. Unless you know she read it.

 

Those meetup messages have a way of getting lost. Facebook and even Match.com messages sometimes don't get read by women for a very long time.

Edited February 25, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[LookAtThisPOst]

For every single time I have been rejected by a woman (and there are many), it is possible to blame myself for doing something to 'screw up'.

 

But I'll give you a piece of good advice.

 

Don't assume that she rejected you. If you see her again, play it off like she never read the message and ask her again. Unless you know she read it.

 

Those meetup messages have a way of getting lost. Facebook and even Match.com messages sometimes don't get read by women for a very long time.

 

Yeah, I recall sending a friend request to someone...they didn't add me, so I let it be.

 

I get to chatting with her on FB a year later and I asked her if she ever got my friends request...she said she never did. LOL I had to cancel it and resend it as I was on live with her.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yeah, I recall sending a friend request to someone...they didn't add me, so I let it be.

 

I get to chatting with her on FB a year later and I asked her if she ever got my friends request...she said she never did. LOL I had to cancel it and resend it as I was on live with her.

 

Yea, I've assumed no response = rejection before and been wrong.

 

Of course, there was a good chance those women would reject me later anyway, but I digress.

[normal person]

Either she's attracted to you or she's not. People here have actually said that within minutes of meeting you, she'll be able to determine if she wants to kiss you (or anything physical). There's no "making her want him."

 

Thanks, I needed a laugh.

 

Take a guy. A woman may be indifferent about him. Now put a guitar in his hands and have him display his talents (ex: any singer songwriter out there). Now he's turning some heads. Or have him stand up for what he believes his right and just (look at the internet memes of girls swooning for the middle aged, goofy looking defense lawyers on Making A Murderer). Or have him display any other range of qualities women will go nuts for. I've seen women melt over the most obscure, innocuous qualities in guys. Sure people will make snap judgments about you. But if your qualities can affect someone on more than a cosmetic level, you can change their opinion of you very easily. You can even read testimony of it on this forum.

 

It's kind of sad that you seem like you've thought differently your whole life, you've really been putting yourself at a disadvantage.

 

I have no idea where you're getting this idea. "Leverage", you're comparing dating to a Hollywood

version of a hostage negotiation. There's no corellation here.

 

I'm getting the idea from life experience.

 

I just scan read through the rest of the crap, esp. when I saw this "balance of power/ "submitting" bullc**p and it sounds so "Pick-Up Artist" in nature and this something that isn't comparable to desk job either.

 

"I didn't read it or even try to understand it but I'm sure it's all nonsense" is basically saying "I don't need to hear logic or concrete rhetoric, none of that really matters because I can't be bothered to try to understand it, or because of my personal biases."

 

If you actually read it, you could see how it applies to the situation. It works fine for me and for others, and I'm certainly no "pick up artist." I'm just not completely oblivious to the realities and dynamics of situations like a lot of people seem to be. Do you think there are actual reasons and justifications as to why things happen the way they do, or do you think it's all just "magic?"

 

I'm very successful at what I do -- I come here to share what I know and help people, not to just say "If she doesn't like you in the first minutes, there's nothing you can do about it, so give up."

 

Thanks for your thoughtful reply though, that's really great advice. I'm sure it'll help whoever's reading.

[Robert]

A reminder from moderation to stick to the topic and not to thread-jack the OP's thread.

 

Thanks,

~6

[normal person]

A reminder from moderation to stick to the topic and not to thread-jack the OP's thread.

 

Thanks,

~6

 

Of course. So how'd it go, OP?

[Chris2016]

A message asking her if she's going to another MeetUp group & stating that you would enjoy talking to her again would be acceptable. Don't push it past that.

 

So I tried this with someone else. She responded pretty quickly. And ask how Ive been doing! Didn't expect either of that.

[Chris2016]

Now how do I go from txting through the app to date?

[road]

Now how do I go from txting through the app to date?

 

 

Ask for her number.

 

 

Then call her and ask her out on a date.