How to manage the affair?

[Jemari]

I am in an affair, reeling from everything and no one to talk to, so I would love thoughts from you about how to manage my situation.

 

I am a single woman, is a long term relationship with an older man. We moved in together 18 months ago. After that, it started to become clear how little we have in common, how little he would compromise his preferences for me, that we have no shared future plans or dreams, that he would never commit, and basically that I had been fooling myself because I was exhausted by dating and wanted security. My bf is a nice guy, and he is not abusive. Our relationship isn't bad, but it is more of a friendship than the kind of partner relationship I would like.

 

I am very monogamous by nature and was just living life wondering what, and if I should do anything about my situation. Enter very handsome, super intelligent married male coworker who is my own age. He didn't turn my head. He started flirting and I ignored it, thinking it was harmless. Then one day he put his hand on mine and squeezed it. About then all my ignored needs and cravings started bubbling to the surface and I imagine a real partnership with him.

 

He is 20-years married with two kids to someone very angry, blaming, and yelling all the time. I know that sounds like a cliche, but she clearly has a big problem delineating what things are his fault. This post is already too long to add, but trust me... The details would make you cringe. To her, everything is his fault and she is very vicious, irrational and escalatory. She has virtually no relationships with anyone. I actually feel badly for her... She is so miserable and makes everyone around her miserable. He is exhausted by being with someone like her.

 

So, the affair has been underway for 6 months. We have a lot of fun doing things and talking in addition to the sex. He is capable, funny, kind... Perfect. At the same time, I find it pretty stressful. I feel that my married affair partner is more married than he realizes, and leaving will be very hard emotionally and financially. I told him I need a drop dead date, which is in another few months when his wife gets a windfall. I don't want to give up my stable friendship relationship with my boyfriend for something that may not pan out with my affair partner. I don't want to give up my chance at a real relationship with someone, although we have discussed putting the affair on hold until his situation is resolved as an option.

 

As for the many fish in the sea argument, all I can say is you should try dating in my rural, under educated area.

 

I feel hemmed in. I feel every option I have is a huge risk.

 

Thoughts and advice?

[imperfectangel]

Advice? Get out and don't believe anything mm says about his wife's behaviour. Maybe if he put all that energy into his marriage his wife wouldn't be miserable

[sandylee1]

So after his wife who is such an angry controlling woman with no friends comes into some cash... he'll leave her?

 

I would ask when she became such an awful person. Surely she wasn't like this when they met and went on to get married and have kids. Otherwise that's exceedingly poor judgement on his part. There must be so many angry wives out there.. because it's the same old story from these men.

 

What's made her blame him for everything negative in life?

 

Is she mentally ill?

 

Because only a person with mental issues or a personality disorder would behave as you've described.. don't you think?

 

You'll do what you want ... he won't divorce her and you'll regret having the affair after numerous broken promises and lots of heartache. That's not even a prediction.. it's just the same old story.

[gettingstronger]

JMO- if you are tying your happiness to another you will not be able to "manage" anything- why do you need to have a relationship? You are holding on to your BF in case things with your AP don't pan out-you're settling and settling is not managing, its settling-

[Adoraxx]

I don't have any advice for you, but even if it's true that the W is such an awful person, the MM probably won't leave her and might even secretly like the way she is. My xMM's W ( I know her) sounds pretty much like you describe, she is not a nice person, very narcissistic, very controlling, but xMM still proclaims that he's crazy about her. He has been married to her for a long time now. I know xMM won't leave her and I don't even want him to. Just saying......... it doesn't matter sometimes what the W is like :/.

[imsosad]

I very much doubt his wife is that bad.

He is giving you the oldest story in the book.

My wife is crazy, she does not appriciate me, i want to leave but i cant because of kids and money.

Dont believe he is the exception to the rule.

People get divorced all the time, even when money and kids are involved.

He is not leaving because his life with her is pretty good.

He sounds like a classic cake eater. He wants his wife, family, home for substance and security. He wants you on the side for variety and fun.

You seem unhappy with your bf. This married man is not the answer. Chances of him leaving her for you are next to nill. Chances are that even if he did, in a few years some other woman would hear about how angry and controlling you are.

I know it sounds harsh and judgemental. I am not judging you at all. Hey, i have been there! I just hope you will try to gain some perspective of the situation. Right now you seem very hung up on his every word, i am pretty sure you're deep in affair fog and not assesing the situation clearly.

[minimariah]

He is exhausted by being with someone like her.

 

your 1st mistake -- demonizing The Wife & thinking she's the ONLY problem in that marriage; just like you claim she blames it all on her husband, you blame it all on HER. unless you live with her & see her in the day to day life - don't claim to know her personally.

 

I feel that my married affair partner is more married than he realizes, and leaving will be very hard emotionally...

 

according to you, he's living with an awful wife who makes him & everyone else miserable -- why would divorce be emotionally hard on him?

 

judging from the fact that he's 20 years married - i assume he has older children (if he has any) so things should be even easier.

 

I don't want to give up my stable friendship relationship with my boyfriend for something that may not pan out with my affair partner.

 

2nd mistake -- you don't understand that EVERYTHING in life is a huge risk. your comfortable relationship with your partner might not be so safe at all; your MM can divorce and then dump you years from now... the point is: you're trying hard to control something that really cannot be controlled, the outcome of your relationships.

 

stay neutral when it comes to his marriage and his wife; that's 20 years you know nothing about. you're naive if you think he didn't have a hand in her behaving the way she does. pick some kind of timeline, date and stick with it. if it happens, great. if it doesn't - go NC & break up with him.

 

and you should probably break up with your current partner because it's not fair that you use him as placeholder in case something better comes along.

[JamesM]

With a due respect and as much kindness as I can muster, you are BOTH cake eaters and not willing to handle the work of your real relationship.

 

You were susceptible to this MM because you were unhappy at home.

 

He saw you as unhappy and chose to squeeze your hand to see your reaction. Very possible that you are not his first "squeeze" and would not have been his last if you had not squeezed back.

 

Now neither of you wants to leave the "horrible" relationship that you have with someone else to jump into this fantasy world of the affair, because you both know that it is just that: a fantasy.

 

I think you should leave BOTH men and look elsewhere for someone simply because neither are good for you. As for him, he will stay with his wife "who is probably much less horrible than he says) and after you he will find another "squeeze" who he will tell the same sad story to and say how she has changed his life like no other has ever done.

 

Inside I think you know all this, which is why you came here for advice.

[Popsicle]

One of my best friends is in a situation just like this, except she is married to the older man she lives with. She says the same thing, that she won't give up her relationship with her husband if her MM won't divorce, despite the fact that she freely admits that she doesn't love her H and never did. Call it comfort. I think it's sad. She's mad at the world for not getting what she wanted in life and thinks the world owes her something.

 

What will happen is, his wife is going to find out and end it, or MM will suddenly grow a conscience and end it with you, and this will devastate you because you are very invested. It will not end well for you. Get yourself together and end this yourself. Seek therapy and get out of your R and learn to be single and have healthy relationships when you get into them.

[Popsicle]

Oh, and by the way, he is NEVER going to leave his wife.

[RRM321]

I'm inclined to believe that obvious answers are usually correct ones.

 

Are you the MM's first affair?

I think there is a simple explanation for why his wife is so angry.

 

What do you think?

[Popsicle]

Well, some people are just perma-cranky for no good reason, so it could be true about his wife, but I'm not sure I'd believe a MM, lol.

[Phoenician]

Forget about morality , about society , everything .....

 

Is he really the person you adore ?

 

Are you the person he adores ?

 

nope , you can't be , he loves his children , and maybe his wife more than you ; which is normal if no cheating is happening ....

 

 

If you are a cake eater too , then fine , enjoy it , and be ready one day for the fireworks .

 

The most imp is that don't plan a future with this guy unless he is divorced by the time you read this post.

Edited February 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[RRM321]

Well, some people are just perma-cranky for no good reason, so it could be true about his wife, but I'm not sure I'd believe a MM, lol.

 

Perma-cranky typically won't get you a husband and two kids.

 

Not a faithful one, anyway.

[imperfectangel]

I'd be pretty miserable and angry too if my husband was having an affair. Liars lie. To everyone. Get out before you get pulled any further into this mm's twisted logic otherwise soon he will twist everything into being your fault

[Popsicle]

Perma-cranky typically won't get you a husband and two kids.

 

Not a faithful one, anyway.

 

Seems to work for plenty of people. And cranky men get wives too.

[sandylee1]

So if she's always angry..one has to assume he loves angry women. Or did she only get angry after marriage? Any man with a backbone won't live with a constantly angry horrible person unless they like it that way.. it's as simple as that really.

 

OP ... you are just one of many he's had as an extra to his marriage.

[Tayla]

Living together 18 months, then the affair started 6 months ago?

 

How does that time line work?

 

I think he is committed, he did move in with you...He did commit to some vows...What type of commitment are you seeking?

 

Far be if from me to encourage affairs, so I shall leave you with this,

When choosing between loving a person and loving yourself...Always love yourself enough to know what is fair to the circumstance.

[JamesM]

I suspect that he is not the calm, patient and stable man that he professes to be while his wife is mentally unstable and angry every waking moment.

 

I doubt that her behavior is a reflection of her knowing he has affairs, but it may be a reflection of how he treats her.

 

And of course, they never have sex.

 

My advice is still to leave MM, reexamine your current relationship, and fix or leave it.

[imsosad]

So if she's always angry..one has to assume he loves angry women. Or did she only get angry after marriage? Any man with a backbone won't live with a constantly angry horrible person unless they like it that way.. it's as simple as that really.

 

OP ... you are just one of many he's had as an extra to his marriage.

Yes. Exactly.

Three options:

1. Mrs was this way when they met and this is the person he loved and married

2. She was a great woman, but she has such a depressing,selfish,critical husband that she us now bitter and angry.

3. She was and still is a perfectly normal person,with good and bad qualities.

Whichever it is, his sob story does not add up.

Moreover, trouble in a marriage is typically not one person's fault. It is a dynamic,that both spouses contribute to.

[anika99]

First of all, if you are afraid to be alone and need a man to be happy then you are never going to be truly happy and you will never be a truly good partner to anyone. Holding onto a man just for security will not be good for you in the long run and it's a rather cruel thing to do to another person.

 

As for the MM's wife, nobody can truly know why she is the way she is. If she really is misery to everyone in her life for no apparent reason then there is something really wrong. She's depressed or mentally ill or personality disordered and cheating on her is not the way to deal with that. If there are kids the MM should be 100% focused on protecting them from their ghastly beast of a mother, not be out screwing around while abandoning his children to this monster! If he loves his kids and his wife is horrible and abusive he would have saved himself and his children from her years ago. But we don't know if his tales about his wife are even true. Anyone can spin an argument to make themselves look like the injured party and the other look like a villain. If she is really miserable it may be because she has been married to a selfish cheating man for years.

 

Their marital problems are not your concern though. You should only be concerned with yourself. Are you the person you want to be? Do you want to be this needy woman who is desperate to have a man and who will cheat and lie to her partner while sneaking around with a married man?

[anika99]

Living together 18 months, then the affair started 6 months ago?

 

How does that time line work?

 

I think he is committed, he did move in with you...He did commit to some vows...What type of commitment are you seeking?

 

Far be if from me to encourage affairs, so I shall leave you with this,

When choosing between loving a person and loving yourself...Always love yourself enough to know what is fair to the circumstance.

 

The MM is not the man she has been living with. It's her older safe and secure boyfriend that she lives with and she is having an affair with a married man on the side.

[elaine567]

You are a single woman stuck in a "loveless" partnership with a nice, but boring, older man.

You think to yourself is this really all there is? Is this my life?

 

You want and need some oomph in your life, so... enter "superman" in the guise of a married co worker.

You were like a dry sponge and he provided the water. You were needy, he offered a solution.

Poor man! Living with a harridan of a wife, you are made for each other.

Happy ever after is ahead...

 

But a huge fly, in the form of the wife's windfall, has landed in the ointment...

 

Get yourself out of this, before your bf finds out and kicks you out on your ear, and the MM throws you under a bus, because wait for it, he loves his lovely wife.

 

If the relationship you have is bad, either try and make the best of it or split. Getting involved with MM, only leads to heart-ache for everyone involved and that means you too.

[Lady2163]

Oh, I think it is quite possible the wife is a raving shrew. I married the wrong man and gave up the best years of my life to a lazy, selfish person. I didn't have an affair and I don't think he did, but I wouldn't blame him a bit if he did. I went from happy, oversexed, funny, physically and mentally fit to exhausted, depressed, fat and frigid. He sucked all the energy from me. He wasn't physically or verbally abusive, he was neglectful, selfish, lazy in and out of the bedroom. Trust me, he wasn't like this when we were dating. It wears you down. Lack of money and working 18 hour days to make ends meet only to have someone sabotage it over and over drives you crazy. I had a five year plan to divorce him at one point, but only a year into it he left me. We divorced.

 

You are showing a pattern of being afraid to be alone. It really isn't that bad most days. Sometimes I get frustrated and angry that the buck always stops with me. I bought a house and a yard that is too much work for me, but within the next few months I will be selling it and my business and retiring to a nice condo. I'm close to 50 years old.

 

Never again will I date or live with someone who isn't a team player or brings more work than reward to the table. I'd rather be single than settle. I do believe there is someone out there for me.

 

I think you're in the affair fog. You might even have all these images of carpooling to work together, eating lunch together, spending your evenings doing fun hobbies together, but it isn't going to be like that. My guess is he has school aged kids. He will probably spend most of his free time following them around, just trying to be a part of their lives. Forget about romantic weekends, if his wife is that hostile the kids will want to be at your place every weekend. Oh - they may want to live with you full time. If you don't live in their school district you may be spending a lot of time driving them to school activities or their friends' house. Yes, you. Because you are signing on for this. You need to be of the mindset that his kids will be tied for first priority in the best case scenario. The worst case is they are his (and expected to be yours) first priority. The potential is there for you to provide him with a soft landing and facilitate him being the best part time dad he can be. It's much easier when you have someone else to run errands, pay bills, maintain work clothes, cook meals, etc. Then you have all this free time to dedicate to your kids! Awesome.

 

So, I've seen that happen. I also have an older friend who never had kids. She married a man with adult kids. At age 30 one divorced. My friend came home from work one day to find the adult child moving in with his two children under age 5. Her husband never call her or even asked her. He never even said, "Let me talk it over with Jane." He left work the moment his child called and spent the day helping the moving process. My friend ended up in counseling because while she loved he step kids and step grandkids, this wasn't what she signed up for and as you can guess, her life was thrown into turmoil. Even though she knew that "kids are forever" she still felt like she was used and ignored. And she was.

 

I think you need to step back. Go someplace quiet. Close your eyes. Really try to imagine what your life will be like with MM. Life is risk. That first year of living with someone is rough. Particularly if they have misrepresented themselves in any way. Men (and women) are both guilty of not showing their true colors until they have someone hooked and trapped. I never would have guessed my ex husband was actually a slob or lazy. He must have been beat to snot by the time we lived together. He'd worked very hard at putting up a good front. Probably the only time he had worked hard.

 

Again, I think both of you are looking for a soft landing. I also think YOU are going to get the short end of the deal.

 

Oh - leave your boyfriend. Make a plan. Squirrel money away. Find a part time job if you have to. Believe me, life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. You aren't doing that.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Lady2163

[whichwayisup]

I am in an affair, reeling from everything and no one to talk to, so I would love thoughts from you about how to manage my situation.

 

I am a single woman, is a long term relationship with an older man. We moved in together 18 months ago. After that, it started to become clear how little we have in common, how little he would compromise his preferences for me, that we have no shared future plans or dreams, that he would never commit, and basically that I had been fooling myself because I was exhausted by dating and wanted security. My bf is a nice guy, and he is not abusive. Our relationship isn't bad, but it is more of a friendship than the kind of partner relationship I would like.

 

Why would you stay with your live in boyfriend if you're not happy? End it so HE can find love with a woman who will love him back. You're using him for security and companionship. It's selfish of you to cheat on him when you know the relationship isn't going anywhere.

 

I am very monogamous by nature and was just living life wondering what, and if I should do anything about my situation. Enter very handsome, super intelligent married male coworker who is my own age. He didn't turn my head. He started flirting and I ignored it, thinking it was harmless. Then one day he put his hand on mine and squeezed it. About then all my ignored needs and cravings started bubbling to the surface and I imagine a real partnership with him.

 

So basically you've just added more stress into your life, miserable in your own relationship with your boyfriend and then you start an A with a man who has a wife and family.

He is 20-years married with two kids to someone very angry, blaming, and yelling all the time. I know that sounds like a cliche, but she clearly has a big problem delineating what things are his fault. This post is already too long to add, but trust me... The details would make you cringe. To her, everything is his fault and she is very vicious, irrational and escalatory. She has virtually no relationships with anyone. I actually feel badly for her... She is so miserable and makes everyone around her miserable. He is exhausted by being with someone like her.

 

I'm calling bullcrap on this, you're only hearing ONE side, his side and of course like many MM, he's going to paint his wife as the devil and he's the angel that can do no wrong and she's the reason why he's miserable and has to have an A. If he really was that unhappy, he'd divorce!! People break up and end marriages, divorce all the time.

 

So, the affair has been underway for 6 months. We have a lot of fun doing things and talking in addition to the sex. He is capable, funny, kind... Perfect. At the same time, I find it pretty stressful. I feel that my married affair partner is more married than he realizes, and leaving will be very hard emotionally and financially. I told him I need a drop dead date, which is in another few months when his wife gets a windfall. I don't want to give up my stable friendship relationship with my boyfriend for something that may not pan out with my affair partner. I don't want to give up my chance at a real relationship with someone, although we have discussed putting the affair on hold until his situation is resolved as an option.

 

Put it on hold. End your R with your boyfriend, let MM figure out things and settle his divorce and finances with his wife, then date him when he's free and single.

 

Bolded - That's really selfish and cruel what you're doing to your BF. Imagine if the situation was reversed and he was doing to you what you're doing to him!

 

As for the many fish in the sea argument, all I can say is you should try dating in my rural, under educated area.

 

I feel hemmed in. I feel every option I have is a huge risk.

 

Thoughts and advice?

 

You feel hemmed in because of the choices you've made for yourself.

1)End things with your BF, it's obvious you don't love or respect him.

2)Putting yourself in a situation (affair) that is competition with his wife and family, hoping he'll choose you over them.

3)Hiding and lying your A from everybody, you could turn into someone you don't like in the near future.