goodyblue Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I was OW and my h's ex really is kind of a shrew. She is a drunk, there was no physical or emotional intimacy for the last twelve years of their marriage. It is possible she is terrible. It is possible she makes him miserable. And he stays. So that is your job, to figure out why. Will he ever leave? Nobody knows. Everyone here told me my H would never leave, and here we are, married quite happily for some years now. But... our affair was pretty short and from the beginning we knew our end game. We had a plan and were not cake eating. It is simply a matter of what you want and what he is willing to give and whether they match up. But the whole 'waiting for a windfall' thing is bad news. This may sound mean but if he is planning to leave he should leave her with that. She will have to start over and honestly, if a judge found out about his affair before the money came in, it may be awarded to her anyway. Frankly I just think it is sh*itty to stay just to take money that is coming to her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I am in an affair, reeling from everything and no one to talk to, so I would love thoughts from you about how to manage my situation. He is 20-years married with two kids to someone very angry, blaming, and yelling all the time. I know that sounds like a cliche, but she clearly has a big problem delineating what things are his fault. **** I'm wondering who is more crazy here. .. The wife or him Staying with such a 'lunatic'****** To her, everything is his fault and she is very vicious, irrational and escalatory. She has virtually no relationships with anyone. I actually feel badly for her... She is so miserable and makes everyone around her miserable. He is exhausted by being with someone like her. *****poor chap.. this must be killing him living with such a woman. Can he trust her to stay with the kids and not make them miserable. He should go for full custody if they are under 16. Would you leave your kids with such a woman??******** So, the affair has been underway for 6 months. He is capable, funny, kind... Perfect. ********what's your definition of perfect?********* I told him I need a drop dead date, which is in another few months when his wife gets a windfall. ******* I see. Perfect is a man who cheats and sticks around for the cash ******** As for the many fish in the sea argument, all I can say is you should try dating in my rural, under educated area. ********* Education vs morals. Maybe you should move to a better area ********* Thoughts and advice? If you can put your emotions in check and go along for the ride . go ahead..... but you should question the mental stability of a man who'd tolerate a wife like he describes.... She must have something going for her... good looks ? Wealth? Great in the sack? If he's one of the educated guys.... well..yeah ...something doesn't add up here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Seems to work for plenty of people. And cranky men get wives too. Perma-cranky as a post marital condition is a given because, pre-relationship the person is just an As-----le. It's a lot like poison ivy. You wouldn't get it if the plant warned you ahead of time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cappycorny Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 How to manage? Don't start one. No seriously get out and know your worth more. I'm in the process of ending something I should never have let start! You can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I find the paragraph about how horrible the wife is to be very enlightening. You seem to have added it to justify the affair with your MM. As others have mentioned, whether the wife is Mother Theresa or the Wicked Witch of the West has no relevance to whether the affair is justified. What you (and many others in your position) fail to realize is that these stories about horrible wives, only show what a conflict-avoidant, weak man you've fallen for. Right after you talk about what a horrible woman this guy has been married to, you mention he is perfect. News flash--this marriage wasn't forced on this guy and he isn't stuck in it like some kind of prisoner. If she is truly as bad as you describe, your MM is either stupid or weak. Stupid for choosing to marry a person with such horrible character traits, or stupid for continuing to be with such a horrible person if she changed after the marriage, or weak because he is too much of a wimp to do anything about it except for whining to another woman about how bad his marriage is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 You are a single woman stuck in a "loveless" partnership with a nice, but boring, older man. You think to yourself is this really all there is? Is this my life? You want and need some oomph in your life, so... enter "superman" in the guise of a married co worker. You were like a dry sponge and he provided the water. You were needy, he offered a solution. Poor man! Living with a harridan of a wife, you are made for each other. Happy ever after is ahead... I think this is copyrighted. It's part of Hallmark's delusion series. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I was the cranky withholding wife! Except I wasn't. If she's as unstable and horrible as he says, why does he have free time for an affair? My wh said the same about me, but oddly, he never worried about leaving the kids in my care. All. The. Time. Also odd, his mow never said 'gee aren't you worried about crazy wife taking care of your kids while you're hotel-ing with me?' Of course not, her 4 kids were left with her pot head unstable husband. I will tell you that being lied to and emotionally abused by a cheating husband makes you cranky. And not horny. I couldn't figure out why I had half a husband (the half that wants food, childcare and laundry) and yet he acted so happy and horrible at the same time. Easy - he was benefitting from 2 relationships, the mow was enthralled with the crumbs he tossed her and when he came home to me, he was pissed that I was NOT happy with those crumbs. And the laundry. He was incredulous actually. And I got crankier, yet never had the option of storming to the hotel with my lover since someone had to deal with dinners field trips and stomach bugs. So that's why his wife isn't her charming self - she's married to a selfish lying loser who's having sex with you. Trust me, he's the disordered one, she is trying to keep it together while he breaks it all apart. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 What jumps out at me is when you said "he didn't turn your head" at work. Until he squeezed your hand and then you started imagining a partnership with him. This is where I recognise myself. My xMM co-worker never turned my head either. Until he told me he was attracted to me and then the floodgates opened. It points to something missing in the primary relationship. He is not the answer, he is not your Prince Charming, you have turned him into one in your mind. You need to work on what is missing with the R with your boyfriend or end that R. An affair is never the answer to fill the missing pieces of the puzzle when you are unhappy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 What jumps out at me is when you said "he didn't turn your head" at work. Until he squeezed your hand and then you started imagining a partnership with him. This is where I recognise myself. My xMM co-worker never turned my head either. Until he told me he was attracted to me and then the floodgates opened. It points to something missing in the primary relationship. He is not the answer, he is not your Prince Charming, you have turned him into one in your mind. You need to work on what is missing with the R with your boyfriend or end that R. An affair is never the answer to fill the missing pieces of the puzzle when you are unhappy. That is a strange quality. It's like the invitation alone obligates you to attend the party. These guys must already know that going in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 That is a strange quality. It's like the invitation alone obligates you to attend the party. These guys must already know that going in. If by "strange" you mean "uncommon", I would have to disagree with you. A woman's emotions follow her imagination. If a man can get a woman to imagine herself as his girlfriend, she will begin to desire him. The tiny little "what if?" thought snowballs into a full fledged crush. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 That is a strange quality. It's like the invitation alone obligates you to attend the party. These guys must already know that going in. I think they do. They stay away from the happy, the confident, the self assured as they would tell a MM to take a hike back to his wife. Instead they choose vulnerable women - the young, the naive, the weak, the sad, the lonely, the needy, the damaged, the abused... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 That is a strange quality. It's like the invitation alone obligates you to attend the party. These guys must already know that going in. I think they don't. They are not Machevellian and hind sight is 20/20. They (taken men) do seem to have a bit more confidence to make bold moves than single men, which I think is because they have their wives to fall back on if they get rejected by the OW. They feel they have less to lose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I think they do. They stay away from the happy, the confident, the self assured as they would tell a MM to take a hike back to his wife. Instead they choose vulnerable women - the young, the naive, the weak, the sad, the lonely, the needy, the damaged, the abused... I'm going to say this is true in A LOT of cases. - When I met my WS I had just come out of a physically abusive relationship 6 months prior to meeting him. - When WS met MOW she was being physically abused by her husband. - When I had my RA I was sad, lonely, needy, damaged and abused. - My WS ALWAYS chose OW who were beneath him intellectually and socially (lower education, lower earning status). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I think they don't. They are not Machevellian and hind sight is 20/20. They (taken men) do seem to have a bit more confidence to make bold moves than single men, which I think is because they have their wives to fall back on if they get rejected by the OW. They feel they have less to lose. Either this or they feel entitled to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I think they do. They stay away from the happy, the confident, the self assured as they would tell a MM to take a hike back to his wife. Instead they choose vulnerable women - the young, the naive, the weak, the sad, the lonely, the needy, the damaged, the abused... Not true. Many OW are the "happy, the confident, the self assured" and more when they meet the OM. You do not know everyones's story. Some OW have the time of their lives with OM. I know I did. Also, some OM can be: the lonely, the needy, the damaged, the abused... as a result of a lousy marriage. You don't speak for everyone, please stop generalizing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Not true. Many OW are the "happy, the confident, the self assured" and more when they meet the OM. You do not know everyones's story. Some OW have the time of their lives with OM. I know I did. Also, some OM can be: the lonely, the needy, the damaged, the abused... as a result of a lousy marriage. You don't speak for everyone, please stop generalizing. In my opinion only, I think it can go either way. Some people have no business getting married, they know they have no intention of being monogamous. They want the thrill of the chase and they may look for someone who thinks they are smart and worldly. Then you get those who avoid conflict, but something is missing from the marriage. They may be looking for an equal. And there are those who are looking for an exit affair and a soft landing. They aren't going for the needy drama ones. It just depends on personality. One time I was grousing to a male friend after I'd been dumped by another loser, a total player. He had targeted me. I whined, "Why come after me? He could have any skank he wanted. I'm a nice girl, I'm a good person." His response? "Where's the challenge in scoring a skank? They're the easy ones. It's women like you who are tougher to manipulate." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 In my opinion only, I think it can go either way. Some people have no business getting married, they know they have no intention of being monogamous. They want the thrill of the chase and they may look for someone who thinks they are smart and worldly. Then you get those who avoid conflict, but something is missing from the marriage. They may be looking for an equal. And there are those who are looking for an exit affair and a soft landing. They aren't going for the needy drama ones. It just depends on personality. One time I was grousing to a male friend after I'd been dumped by another loser, a total player. He had targeted me. I whined, "Why come after me? He could have any skank he wanted. I'm a nice girl, I'm a good person." His response? "Where's the challenge in scoring a skank? They're the easy ones. It's women like you who are tougher to manipulate." True I believe it can go either way as well. A's are not a one size fits all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Thank you both--Ladies! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 I think they do. They stay away from the happy, the confident, the self assured as they would tell a MM to take a hike back to his wife. Instead they choose vulnerable women - the young, the naive, the weak, the sad, the lonely, the needy, the damaged, the abused... I agree with this very much. If one is super confident and oh so happy..why have an affair ... unless you're exceedingly selfish and lack something. Why would someone who was rich steal? Kleptomania......if there's no reason ...then most likely you have a problem like kleptomania. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 (edited) This thread temporarily closed for review. ~T -----Original Wiliiam here: Looks like this was a drive-by; member posted thread, logged out, didn't return. Folks, if/when you see posts from new members where they don't come back and engage, especially on such a personal issue, per our announcement running, please let us know. Regardless of whether a thread is a drive-by or troll or authentic, our guidelines still apply. Treat every discussion as valid and every thread starter with respect. Thanks! Edited February 23, 2016 by William Link to post Share on other sites
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