oh dear, what have i done

[faithfully]

as the topic says

 

I'm 28 now and he's 21, ive known him since july and when we met he did tell me he didn't wnt a relationship and at the time I didn't, ive been single for 3 years and the company and sex was ok till I found somebody my age or suitable so agreed with that.

 

things escalated quickly, hanging out 4/5 days a week, he would stay at mine and have sex, I stayed at his, met his parents, family and a few friends, he met some of mine it was going great, we agreed if 1 of us started having feelings then we need to cool off, well bingo!! I started having feelings for him, I know this guy is not good for me, he is only a baby for a start, I'm a grown woman with a fantastic job, house, car etc and I'm not deluded and understand that, ive told him I cant be in a relationship with him as he is only 21 but I am struggling with how I feel about him, we have now decided to not have sex and just be friends and hang out but it hurt me and upset me when he said that but agreed to it

 

anyways move forwad to sat, we went out together to a club, did some drugs- please don't judge me, drank way to much and had a big argument with him, I think I belittled him and said some really nasty thing which I genuinely cannot remember, he dropped me home and got his things and left, I rang and pestered him that night but after I slept and realised what I had done, I have apologised to him and he's not answered, I have given him space, not messaged him since ive said sorry. I feel like I am going through a break up, I'm struggling to eat, I need to fix up, I don't know whats happened to me.

 

do you think maybe this can be fixed or have I blown my chances

 

thanks

[privategal]

This does not sound healthy for either one of you.

Not only does he need that space but you do as well.

No judgement on drug taking or drinking but can just say you see in one night how much damage it did.

Longterm this would only continue.

Some people are meant to be in your life for a very short time to teach us a lesson. This seems like it may have been the case here.

You made a mistake, accepted your part and apologized.

You did well and should be able to accept he likely is not meant for you at all, even if you didnt mess up.

This was probably meant to happen.

Do not write again or do anything more.

Stay healthy, its ok to make mistakes and learn.

Let him go its for the best that he is keeping his distance.

[RRM321]

You've cited only one reason why this is not a relationship which is: "I'm a grown woman with a fantastic blah, blah,.."

 

Yet, the the thing you describe is a relationship.

 

I think, that if I were allowed to make a judgement regarding the drugs, it would be that maturity is not the thing that separates the two of you.

[road]

 

anyways move forwad to sat, we went out together to a club, did some drugs- please don't judge me, drank way to much and had a big argument with him, I think I belittled him and said some really nasty thing which I genuinely cannot remember, he dropped me home and got his things and left, I rang and pestered him that night but after I slept and realised what I had done, I have apologised to him and he's not answered, I have given him space, not messaged him since ive said sorry. I feel like I am going through a break up, I'm struggling to eat, I need to fix up, I don't know whats happened to me.

 

do you think maybe this can be fixed or have I blown my chances

 

thanks

 

 

This happened after you started to have feelings for him. You doing drugs and abusing alcohol got you the courage to sabotage this relationship. This is why you lashed out at him.

 

 

There is nothing left to fix up, except you thinking doing drugs is ok and abusing alcohol.

[CC12]

This happened after you started to have feelings for him. You doing drugs and abusing alcohol got you the courage to sabotage this relationship. This is why you lashed out at him.

 

Interesting observation. Maybe there's some truth to this, OP.

 

 

 

 

I think you should let this go. No judgment here on your use of substances, but you weren't responsible with them. You were so ****ed up that you have no memory of important parts of the night and you were cruel to someone you care about. Nobody should have to deal with that kind of messiness, especially not a 21 year old who probably doesn't have the life experience or maturity to properly handle it.

 

That's the thing that's the most bothersome to me. He's "a baby" as you referenced many times and you're a "grown woman." I feel like you should be more responsible with the feelings and well-being of this kid you're messing around with. Like, you were just fine with using him for sex and company until you "found somebody my age or suitable" all the while telling him that he's not good enough for you because he's too young. And then you were hurt and upset that he turned you down. I just don't think you've been very kind with him, even apart from the drug and alcohol-fueled anger you directed toward him.

 

Let him go, if he contacts you again just tell him you're sorry for the things you said and did and that you can't be friends anymore. Wish him well, and start dating people your own age once you've gotten your other issues sorted out.

[faithfully]

Thanks for all the replies even though some were abit brutal but hey I needed to hear them things, I know I should be the responsible one here but just wanted a good time and let my hair down,

 

Some of you have said let him go but deep down no matter how much I am trying to convince myself, I am just struggling, I've no appetite, struggling to sleep maybe at the thought of losing him, I don't even know I'm soo bloody hung up on him, not like his dicks made out of gold or anything, maybe it's because I've spent sooo much time with him and get on with him so well, I don't know what it is, I'm confused. I never meant it to ever get this far. I'm not a bad person and if I've done bad then I take full responsibility and apologize like an adult.

 

I lashed out maybe because I was hurt he brought up just being friends and no sex as things were getting complicated, even though I agreed to it, deep down I didn't want that.

 

It's going to be hard never speaking to him again, I'm so confused he hasn't blocked my number, facebook, so maybe he needed space to come round, who knows

[mikeylo]

Whats done is done.Cant be undone. Do not contact him further if you want him to feel better and maybe one day forgive you.

[RRM321]

Whats done is done.Cant be undone. Do not contact him further if you want him to feel better and maybe one day forgive you.

 

Agree. Leave him alone. You've been using him. Hopefully, he'll figure that out for himself before getting sucked back in again.

[faithfully]

How the hell have I used him?? We both agreed to being friends, hanging out, having sex, dating, having fun, I knew from the start he didn't want a relationship, he told me and I wasn't ready and definitely didn't want one with a 21 year old

[RRM321]

How the hell have I used him?? We both agreed to being friends, hanging out, having sex, dating, having fun, I knew from the start he didn't want a relationship, he told me and I wasn't ready and definitely didn't want one with a 21 year old

 

I can't argue for certain that you have but, I think that's the picture you have most recently painted for him.

 

You declared superiority by virtue of your age while simultaneously leading immature behavior, then degrading and blaming him for your decisions.

 

That's a trap that he should be able to see by now, and I suspect he's beginning to work that out.

[Sunlight72]

Some of you have said let him go but deep down no matter how much I am trying to convince myself, I am just struggling, I've no appetite, struggling to sleep maybe at the thought of losing him, I don't even know I'm soo bloody hung up on him, not like his dicks made out of gold or anything, maybe it's because I've spent sooo much time with him and get on with him so well, I don't know what it is, I'm confused. I never meant it to ever get this far. I'm not a bad person and if I've done bad then I take full responsibility and apologize like an adult.

 

I lashed out maybe because I was hurt he brought up just being friends and no sex as things were getting complicated, even though I agreed to it, deep down I didn't want that.

Saying the words, "I'm sorry" without making amends with your actions is not taking full responsibility and behaving like an adult.

 

In this case it would mean examining your actions, seeing where and how they are destructive, and resolving to change your life to be more respectful of yourself and people who are important to you.

 

One of several ways to do this is to stop lying to yourself about not wanting a relationship with this guy.

 

You had a relationship with this guy. As shown by both your actions. You deeply enjoyed, found fulfilling, and wanted to continue this relationship in a meaningful way.

 

I'm not sure why you consider this a bad thing, but please accept it as fact before you decide what else to do in the future.

 

It sounds like you really want a relationship, and you had a good one, but did not want to be honest about it and the deceit of portraying it in words as a 'casual' thing ate at you until it, whooops, got out in an ugly way.

 

Taking responsibility is dedicating yourself to changing behavior to make yourself a better friend to people, and less likely to be hurtful to them or yourself. Continuing to lie to yourself and others, and seeing the damage done by drugs and alcohol and yet denying it caused damage enough that it is 'bad' for you to consume it is not taking full responsibility as an adult.

 

You've begun though! Great work! Keep going! As another poster said, perhaps the purpose of this relationship was to offer you this chance to begin to make good changes for your future self. Take that chance! It's hard, and will yield great things for you if you can work through the tough months ahead in a direct, engaged way.

 

Best Wishes

[faithfully]

Saying the words, "I'm sorry" without making amends with your actions is not taking full responsibility and behaving like an adult.

 

In this case it would mean examining your actions, seeing where and how they are destructive, and resolving to change your life to be more respectful of yourself and people who are important to you.

 

One of several ways to do this is to stop lying to yourself about not wanting a relationship with this guy.

 

You had a relationship with this guy. As shown by both your actions. You deeply enjoyed, found fulfilling, and wanted to continue this relationship in a meaningful way.

 

I'm not sure why you consider this a bad thing, but please accept it as fact before you decide what else to do in the future.

 

It sounds like you really want a relationship, and you had a good one, but did not want to be honest about it and the deceit of portraying it in words as a 'casual' thing ate at you until it, whooops, got out in an ugly way.

 

Taking responsibility is dedicating yourself to changing behavior to make yourself a better friend to people, and less likely to be hurtful to them or yourself. Continuing to lie to yourself and others, and seeing the damage done by drugs and alcohol and yet denying it caused damage enough that it is 'bad' for you to consume it is not taking full responsibility as an adult.

 

You've begun though! Great work! Keep going! As another poster said, perhaps the purpose of this relationship was to offer you this chance to begin to make good changes for your future self. Take that chance! It's hard, and will yield great things for you if you can work through the tough months ahead in a direct, engaged way.

 

Best Wishes

 

I cannot argue or disagree with what you have said, you are very right!!! I wasn't being honest withm myself but deep down I had mad love for him but I was fighting it as he is only 21 and I'm 29, and realistically he hasn't had that much of a life experience so I didn't think it was fair for him. Before we went out I kind of told him a little as the truth comes out when we high!!

 

I did tell him I wouldn't rule out a relationship but can't remember what was said after but something like no you don't. I did tell him I couldn't really have a relationship with him because of his age, in which he repliedi it's only a number.

 

On Tue, I spoke to a friend who is a guy and said I make a mistake apologising for what I don't remember saying to upset him as its meaningless but to ask what I said so I can make a sincere apology. I've done that but no reply so now I've left it, he's read my msg but yet hasn't blocked my number, views all my snaps, has me still on facebook but Nada, silent treatment so I have decided to deactivate all my social media account and sort myself out. The door is open if he wants to talk, I've said what I needed to say so up to him.

 

They say things comes in 3s, well I'm suffering, I've fallen out with someone, smashed my phone screen, been in hospital as I fell down the stairs on Sat night I was that ****ed up, bust my hips and cut open my knees which is severely infected causing me fever and shakiness so yeah I'm feeling it.

Edited February 26, 2016 by faithfully
spelling mistake

[lchf]

I had a relationship with a 28 year old woman when I was 19. It was exhilerating, but honestly, not healthy when I look back on it. Even though I considered myself a relatively mature person for my age, a 9 year gap made a big difference especially in that time of self-discovery. This situation rings a few bells for me and strikes a few chords.

[faithfully]

What does that mean??

 

Day 7 and still no response, silent treatment

[basil67]

Day 7 and still no response, silent treatment

 

What makes you think it's "silent treatment" (ie; sulking) as opposed to him having decided that you're not the kind of person he wants in his life?

 

The term silent treatment kind of sounds like you see yourself as somehow being wronged by him.

[faithfully]

Well whilst I was moving on and excepting this guy would never speak to me again.

 

Well out of the blue, he whatsapped me to say he has had time to calm down and he is no longer mad with me as I was drunk and that's not like me to come up with nasty horrible things. He told me he didn't like the way I spoke to him but can I blame him.....nope.

 

I've apologized again and we are on speaking terms but I doubt things will ever be how they were, I'm just thankful he is willing to put it in the past and blame the drink.

 

Thanks for all your input

[road]

Thanks for the update.