Can it work after an affair?

[ShatteredLady]

I know the pain that you're going through. I truly do & I'm so very sorry.

 

You said, "One more slip & he's gone!". You've caught him still talking to her & deleting the conversation. That's a huge SLIP!!

 

I'm trying to reconcile with my husband. We've been together for 26 years. This year we've been married for 20 years. We have 2 beautiful little children who are my world. It's still incredibly hard. Part of me has died. Part of me has been murdered with forethought.

 

You're engaged!! This should be a blissful, romantic, blind love & devotion stage in your relationship. I'm so sorry but if he can do this to you now what will he do once you're married & get into an enviable rut? What about when you're pregnant & hormonal (read here. It's horrifying but many men cheat on their pregnant wives!). What about when you're a new Mum, breast feeding, sleep deprivation...your attention on the baby & not him???

 

I believe in love. I believe in marriage & our marriage vows. I've shared my entire adult life with my husband. I don't want my children growing in a broken home. I have serious health issues & don't want to turn my children's lives upside down if I'm going to die.

 

What reasons do you have to stay & fight for your relationship?

 

WHY on earth is he talking to HER??????

[BuddyX]

You're allowing to disrespect you. You said one more Slip, and he did slip up. You have not held him accountable.

What do you think his response will be when/if you confront him?

 

My ExW came back with "Don't make me choose between you and my friends"

I almost lost it then.

 

If he treasures his "friendship" so much, then let him be.

 

You are way too easy on him. I say Cut your losses

[ladydesigner]

No M or kids yes I would for sure run! Why waste more time when you can be with someone who hadn't done this.

[Zenstudent]

You said yourself: One more slip... well, he slipped - what are you going to do about it?

 

Keep your word, or cave in and move the target?

[aliveagain]

Friend, he is the one that can't be trusted because he has already proven to you that if the opportunity became available and he thinks that he can get away with it he will act on it. It is up to him to prove that he is worth marrying and that he can make you feel safe again, not the other way around. That means doing whatever is needed to help you get over his infidelity, fu*k his boo hoo crap, he is not the victim, you are. He brought her into your sanctuary and defiled it, takes a special kind of person to do that.

 

Your anger needs to be directed to the right person, he is the only one with a commitment to you. She lacks morals and obviously doesn't respect her vows to her husband but she is not the one that is supposed to have your back, he is. Have you told her husband, does he know your fiancé has been banging his wife on your couch? He needs to be told, not by your cheating boyfriend but by you. Exposure to the other betrayed spouse is a consequence of infidelity, he needs to know the truth about his lying, cheating wife so he can decide his future for himself. By withholding this critical information from him you become their accomplice in his betrayal, he deserves to know the truth.

 

You are feeling the way you are because your mind is in conflict with your heart. Your heart loves him because of who you thought he was but your mind knows who he really is and knows that if he will cheat on you before you marry him, he will cheat on you after you marry him. They are still in their affair because they are still in contact and he is hiding and deleting their texts to each other, he is still deceiving you. If they can't do it in front of you they shouldn't be doing it.

 

My best advice to you is, call off your engagement until he has gone to counselling to find out why he needs validation from other women, married women at that. He is not a safe partner, his refusal to go to counselling just screams he's sorry for being caught and not sorry for his infidelity to you. Expose them to the other betrayed spouse, then run as far away from this guy as you can because he is a prime subject for being a repeat offender. Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your history. Just my opinion but you can do a lot better then being with someone that will bring their affair partner into your home. Don't waste your life on an illusion.

[Sparkles72]

I know the pain that you're going through. I truly do & I'm so very sorry.

 

You said, "One more slip & he's gone!". You've caught him still talking to her & deleting the conversation. That's a huge SLIP!!

 

I'm trying to reconcile with my husband. We've been together for 26 years. This year we've been married for 20 years. We have 2 beautiful little children who are my world. It's still incredibly hard. Part of me has died. Part of me has been murdered with forethought.

 

You're engaged!! This should be a blissful, romantic, blind love & devotion stage in your relationship. I'm so sorry but if he can do this to you now what will he do once you're married & get into an enviable rut? What about when you're pregnant & hormonal (read here. It's horrifying but many men cheat on their pregnant wives!). What about when you're a new Mum, breast feeding, sleep deprivation...your attention on the baby & not him???

 

I believe in love. I believe in marriage & our marriage vows. I've shared my entire adult life with my husband. I don't want my children growing in a broken home. I have serious health issues & don't want to turn my children's lives upside down if I'm going to die.

 

What reasons do you have to stay & fight for your relationship?

 

WHY on earth is he talking to HER??????

 

Hi, we have been engaged for 5 years, and we have a 7 year old together and my children from another relationship. We have been together nearly 9 years. We don't want anymore children so I don't have that problem. I understand what you mean about something dying inside. I'm starting to wonder if things will ever be ok? It's only been 8 months but I don't want the years to go by and me still feeling like this. I don't hate him but I feel so let down, and the thought of us splitting and him being with someone else would break me even more.

[BuddyX]

Your man is a cake eater.

Is there a reason he's willing to live with you, have a kid and not be able to commit?

 

Am I out of line by stating; You don't want to hold him accountable because you don't want to end up alone?

 

I'm hard on you because there's a kid involved. And your man still acts like a Playboy.

[Sparkles72]

Your man is a cake eater.

Is there a reason he's willing to live with you, have a kid and not be able to commit?

 

Am I out of line by stating; You don't want to hold him accountable because you don't want to end up alone?

 

I'm hard on you because there's a kid involved. And your man still acts like a Playboy.

 

I'm certainly not afraid to be alone, I have thought about that a few times. I constantly question myself if I have been too soft. But when it's good it's good. And even though he's done what he's done I do still love him. But like someone said earlier I'm currently fighting between my heart and my mind.

[heartwhole]

I do think you are being too soft, yes.

 

When you saw that he was communicating with her, why did you doubt that you had every right to be outraged? There's no question that that is unacceptable.

 

I do understand how it can be hard to shift how you view your husband and marriage. My husband always believed he was this put-upon martyr who gave so much to his family, and I bought into it too. It took a while after the affair for me to realize just how skewed our dynamic was. I am an empathetic and supportive person, and I always tried to support and appreciate him. Then he cheated on me and acted like (and stated that) it was my fault. And he acted like I was unreasonable for violating his privacy or being too "controlling." Through counseling and a lot of mental energy I figured out that he was an entitled person with poor coping skills and judgment who always put himself first. Wow. And here I was thanking him for showing up and being an adult. Nobody thanks me for doing that!

 

So, no, I do no think you are overstepping your bounds by expecting total transparency and remorse and no contact with the other woman. Those things are the bare minimum, in my opinion, if it is work after an affair.

 

I shared with my husband my therapist's assessment of his self-absorbed tendencies (she counseled both of us for a while too). It helped me feel confident in that statement to be able to fall back on the professional's assessment. He was angry and shocked. But in time it sank in. He sought his own counseling. He has been working hard on those tendencies and weaknesses. And I've had to change too. It's not my job to praise his every little effort. By doing so I was giving him the impression that ordinary acts were extraordinary. Now, I am still kind and encouraging and vulnerable because that's who I am and who I want to be in my relationship. But I expect him to be a good person for his own sake, not because I tiptoe around being soft and gullible, as you put it.

 

When I read your first post, it sounded to me like you were rugsweeping the affair. You aren't bringing it up to avoid his negative reactions and he's continuing to hide contact with the OW.

 

You asked if it can work after an affair. I'm no expert, believe me, but I do think that the only way forward is wading through every uncomfortable feeling together. Obviously what you're doing isn't working as your husband is still disrespecting you. He still believes that he knows best and that what you don't know won't hurt you. He also believes that the fleeting high he gets from contact with the OW is worth the damage he's doing to your family.

 

I hope you can find the strength to draw the line in the sand. Except in rare cases, I don't think you can expect a broken person who turned to the escape of an affair to morph into a self-aware, selfless, and trustworthy person on their own. If you raise the bar very, very high, they may work to meet those expectations rather than lose their primary relationship. If you don't raise the bar very, very high, then you can't expect anything to change.

 

I do think there's hope. Finally after nearly a year, I am seeing real character change in my husband. I am in touch with myself and who I am and what I want. Even with all those positives, it's still very hard, and there's still this mire to wade through. There are no short-cuts, but there is a way.

[Try]

Hi, I found out last year that my other half was having an affair. I had my suspicions for quite awhile and set a trap and found out. He (finally) admitted it, wouldn't say how long it had been going on

We have discussed it when it happened, we talked and talked, I asked all the details. I thought I was ok but obviously I'm not. Is it worth dragging it all up again?

First, although you "talked and talked", and you "asked all the details", him not even telling you "how long it had been going on", means that he has only admitted what you already knew and nothing more. Thus you do not have the full story, and you cannot forgive until you know what the full story is that you are forgiving. Also, it has only been 7 months and such things take years for the normal person to get over, especially if it turns out that the cheating has been going on for years. He is trickle truth (not telling you the full story) and rug sweeping (wanting to have you stop talking about it after only a few months). You are in false reconciliation, which why you cannot move on.

[len51]

It can work after an affair but it will never be 100% the same. Once a person proves that they can break a solemn trust, lie and deceive, you can never trust or believe then 100%. There will be doubts whenever something is out of the ordinary and then there are problems when you are not together. It takes a very long time to regain trust and the cheating partner has to go out of their way to not do anything to make their spouse suspicious. It is a tough road that few are able to travel for long.

 

The other problem is that a person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior. The expression once a cheater always a cheater has proven to be true a lot more times than false in my experience over 47 years as an adult. What you also have to worry about is not so much who they had the affair with, but also why? So many times the cheating spouse tries to shift the blame onto their spouse. You never wanted to have sex, you made them feel unwanted, unloved, useless ad-nauseam. You need to decide if the reason they cheated will occur again and if so, will they run into the arms of another person to solve their problems again.

 

I am not strictly monogamous. My wife and I are monogamish. The very occasional short term fling for sex, was not a deal killer in our 40+ years of marriage as long as it was the rare exception and not the rule. We wanted to protect our marriage, not our monogamy. Sex for fun every few years, was no risk to our marriage or feelings for each other. Affairs were a different animal and fell outside the scope of our monogamish marriage. That would be a deal killer.

[Liam1]

Hi, we have been engaged for 5 years, and we have a 7 year old together and my children from another relationship. We have been together nearly 9 years. We don't want anymore children so I don't have that problem. I understand what you mean about something dying inside. I'm starting to wonder if things will ever be ok? It's only been 8 months but I don't want the years to go by and me still feeling like this. I don't hate him but I feel so let down, and the thought of us splitting and him being with someone else would break me even more.

 

For a reconciliation to work after an affair, both partners have to WANT it to work.

 

If one or both are not all in, it will be tough going.

 

Why not try a separation, where you both live in different housing, to see whether or not you miss him and he misses you.

 

Some people realize that they want to truly stay together after a six month separation. Others don't

 

Some people say they feel happier after leaving a Wayward partner. Some say they realize that they would rather be together.

 

Sometimes and affair is a deal breaker.

 

If it is, the separation will give you time to think clearly on your own and to come to terms with the realization that the affair to you was a major deal breaker.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't hate him but I feel so let down, and the thought of us splitting and him being with someone else would break me even more.

 

Affairs bring with them hard truths, very difficult to face. In reality he's already with someone else, that line's been crossed. So your option isn't to be with him, it's to be with the portion of him he chooses to share with you.

 

I wouldn't settle for that and I suspect you know you shouldn't either. I'd gently suggest you're looking at the wrong thing as it's not him you need to figure out - it's you. He's made his choice, your should make yours...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm certainly not afraid to be alone, I have thought about that a few times. I constantly question myself if I have been too soft. But when it's good it's good. And even though he's done what he's done I do still love him. But like someone said earlier I'm currently fighting between my heart and my mind.

Yeah, that's all part of the poop panini they serve you when they cheat.

 

You get to question your feelings and decision for years.

 

Sorry for that.

[ladydesigner]

Yeah, that's all part of the poop panini they serve you when they cheat.

 

You get to question your feelings and decision for years.

 

Sorry for that.

 

Yep still questioning mine.

[joystickd]

Hi, I found out last year that my other half was having an affair. I had my suspicions for quite awhile and set a trap and found out. He (finally) admitted it, wouldn't say how long it had been going on, but I knew it was happening on the odd occasion I went out, she would come down to the house and they would be 'at it' on our sofa.

 

Anyways we had all the talks etc and we seemed to be stronger like we use to be. The only problem I have is that I can't get the idea of them together out of my head. It just pops in my head for no reason, usually when I go to bed. I hate her with a passion and really want her to hurt like I am right now, and I am disappointed in him. I just look at him while he sleeps and cry. It's 7 months on and I just don't know if things are going to work.

 

I get very down and emotional when I think about it, I don't talk to him about how I feel now as it makes him feel guilty, he goes in a mood which makes me feel worse. I just don't feel like me anymore, like something has died. He's not the kind of guy who would go to counselling, he's quite a private person and doesn't want people knowing what he's done. I on the other hand feel like blurting it out to everyone.

 

Does it get any better?

 

Do you want it to work and are both of you willing to make the effort? That is the quesrion.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I'm starting to wonder if things will ever be ok? It's only been 8 months but I don't want the years to go by and me still feeling like this. I don't hate him but I feel so let down, and the thought of us splitting and him being with someone else would break me even more.

 

There is no real answer to this question, some people reconcile immediately, while others never do. However, successful reconciliation starts with the offender being contrite and willing to do the hard work necessary to fix the problems. He has said he is sorry, but does not want to do anything to fix the problems and is angry if you bring it up, which makes you shoulder all the burden. I won't tell you to split, that is a decision only you can make, but I don't see this getting any better, because he is too stubborn to get help. You can out him or not, I don't think it would make any difference, in the way you describe him.

[Sparkles72]

There is no real answer to this question, some people reconcile immediately, while others never do. However, successful reconciliation starts with the offender being contrite and willing to do the hard work necessary to fix the problems. He has said he is sorry, but does not want to do anything to fix the problems and is angry if you bring it up, which makes you shoulder all the burden. I won't tell you to split, that is a decision only you can make, but I don't see this getting any better, because he is too stubborn to get help. You can out him or not, I don't think it would make any difference, in the way you describe him.

 

I just feel like we are back to normal like nothings happened, well he is. Our relationship has it flaws like I'm sure many other people's do. He argues with my 2 children from my first marriage which has always stressed me. He knows this and things never change. Not sure if I'm having a bad day but I just don't trust him anymore and I am constantly checking up on him. I want everyone to know what he's done and with who. I'm constantly wondering if to end this relationship. He seems to be constantly moody and when I ask him what's wrong he says nothing. I worry how I will cope financially on my own, but don't just want to be with him for finance. I did that with my ex husband. Yes I do still love him but the whole situation is making me ill. I'm constantly feeling stressed, upset and have terrible moodswings.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes I do still love him but the whole situation is making me ill. I'm constantly feeling stressed, upset and have terrible moodswings.

 

Since, like many guys, he doesn't seem to be very perceptive, sounds like it's time for an honest conversation.

 

You said in your first post "Anyways we had all the talks etc" - were that true, you wouldn't be feeling as you do.

 

His reluctance notwithstanding, you're front line candidates for marriage counseling. Affairs damage relationships in ways both overt and subtle and those wounds are just now making themselves known. Somewhat counterintuitively, the first months post D-Day are the easiest to get through, you have the momentum of life "as it was" pushing you forward. Once things start to sink in, the real betrayal and pain often comes to the surface.

 

You can try to ignore the effects and bypass the hard work necessary by both of you to recover, but as you're finding out it's easier said than done.

 

I'd tell your H it's crunch time, your marriage needs some professional help...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sparkles72]

 

You said in your first post "Anyways we had all the talks etc" - were that true, you wouldn't be feeling as you do.

 

Yes we talked it through, but since then he has had contact with her via Facebook messenger. It's just normal chit chat what I have seen (he deletes a lot of it) that's what makes me angry, he said he wouldn't have anymore contact with her. Even if he just wants to stay friends with her, it's never going to happen while he is with me. I just feel like he's rubbing salt in the wound

[BuddyX]

FB messenger? Why are you allowing this? Have some self worth.

 

What's worst, your man is showcasing typical DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender”). Before you know it, he'll be the victim in the affair, and you'll be the bad guy because you exposed it.

[heartwhole]

 

You said in your first post "Anyways we had all the talks etc" - were that true, you wouldn't be feeling as you do.

 

Yes we talked it through, but since then he has had contact with her via Facebook messenger. It's just normal chit chat what I have seen (he deletes a lot of it) that's what makes me angry, he said he wouldn't have anymore contact with her. Even if he just wants to stay friends with her, it's never going to happen while he is with me. I just feel like he's rubbing salt in the wound

 

I'm sorry you're in this position.

 

I personally wouldn't stand for it. On DD I told my WH that he couldn't be friends with the OW any more, and he said, "I'm sure that's not the case." I said, "Well, I'm SURE IT IS." For a few days he pretended he couldn't figure out how to block somebody on FB until I pestered and prodded. But I didn't know about IG or Twitter or half a dozen other things. Then I found her public IG where he was liking all her photos after DD. Hell had no fury like what I felt that day -- I'd been trying to be understanding and patient but here he was liking her Fing photos? She got blocked on everything after that. Still, for some reason I felt guilty about "invading his privacy" so I would sneak a check sometimes.

 

We went to MC and the counselor obviously thought my WH was selfish and just not getting it. That was hard for me to see because I had spent so long believing his "poor me, I'm a victim of everything in my life" attitude. But eventually I came to realize just how ridiculous our dynamic was. He acted like a petulant teenager because I "made" him give up his secret girlfriend and be transparent with his online life. He acted like I could help it when my health condition flared up and he would act so inconvenienced if he had to alter his plans because of it. I don't know why I didn't see it before, honestly. I guess I didn't want to rock the boat. I thought that if I was caring and giving, he would be the same in return.

 

I eventually learned that he IS self-absorbed and immature, and he is in IC to address those things. It is not crazy for me to expect access to his devices, and to do so openly. He has all my passwords too; I now see that this is a practical measure for any marriage that wants to provide a layer of protection against the opportunity for infidelity. We expect the other to be open about all friendships and communications, especially with potential affair-partners. There's simply no reason for a married person to be chatting in a friendly way with a person of the opposite sex all hours of the day.

 

You are not crazy or unreasonable. The one who is being unreasonable is your husband. If you find yourself giving him a pass for inappropriate behavior because you don't want the petulant teenager to stomp his foot and get mad at mean Mommy, then you are allowing the cycle to continue. Getting over infidelity takes years of deliberate emotional work. A few conversations is not enough to close that chapter in your lives. I required my husband to go to MC and IC, and I go to IC as well. My biggest take-away has been how lopsided and untenable our old dynamic was. I have spent a lot of time and energy pushing back so a point where I feel like an equal partner in this marriage and that my WH understands that it's not all about him.

 

Don't apologize for checking his stuff. Don't apologize for expecting him to give up the friendship with this person. Those are reasonable responses to his infidelity. He is the one who is being unreasonable.

[Sparkles72]

Hi heartwhole your situation sounds very similar to mine. I'm starting to wonder if I should waste months or years of my life trying to make things work? He obviously doesn't want to give this woman up, the messages between them seem constant, she was messaging him tonight, or at least she thought she was! Ha! Life's too bloody short for all this. I want to bring this to his attention but I keep putting it off and I don't know why :-( part of me feels afraid to. Half of me wants to end our relationship the other half doesn't. Why am I holding back? Surely I deserve more than this? I feel so mentally and emotionally drained at the moment.

[Sparkles72]

FB messenger? Why are you allowing this? Have some self worth.

 

What's worst, your man is showcasing typical DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender”). Before you know it, he'll be the victim in the affair, and you'll be the bad guy because you exposed it.

 

I know, I think I need to grow some balls

[ladydesigner]

Hi heartwhole your situation sounds very similar to mine. I'm starting to wonder if I should waste months or years of my life trying to make things work? He obviously doesn't want to give this woman up, the messages between them seem constant, she was messaging him tonight, or at least she thought she was! Ha! Life's too bloody short for all this. I want to bring this to his attention but I keep putting it off and I don't know why :-( part of me feels afraid to. Half of me wants to end our relationship the other half doesn't. Why am I holding back? Surely I deserve more than this? I feel so mentally and emotionally drained at the moment.

 

Sparkles I have not read your whole backstory, but I do have a question for you... have you exposed this A? You might want to at this point.