Trying to Find a Silver Lining

[Melrapuo]

I've been single guy for 4 years now. I've enjoyed allowing myself to not worry so much about finding a girlfriend and focus on myself. I'm in good shape (run daily), I don't live with my parents, have a car and a job that pays decently. The only issue I seem to be facing isn't so much getting a girlfriend, but actually looking at a relationship as something that should be fun and enjoyable. After all of my really rough breakups, I only see dating as work now, and I don't see any actual fun that can come of it.

 

Because of this, I've also not had sex in 4 years, either. I've never been on to have one-night stands, so that's prevented me from opening up a bit more. I'm 29 now, and it's starting to worry me that I'm going to be like this forever. (I have two older sisters who have never been in a relationship. I'm the only sibling who has any experience, so that limits who I cna ask advice from.)

 

My friends say I should just go out and hook up with the first girl I see. I'm just trying to figure out if that's really the best advice. Plus it's been 4 years, so all I keep thinking about is how bad I might be from all the rust I've collected.

 

Don't get me wrong - I get hit on fairly often. Not patting myself on the back, but I'm just saying...I have opportunities, and they just make me too nervous/uneasy to pursue.

 

Has anyone else ever felt this way? Been so single that any potential meeting with someone makes you more uneasy than comfortable? I Know I'm holding myself back, but after a couple really bad break ups (cheating involved) I can't seem to get myself back out there.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Everybody is different.

 

I know people who can't be a week without being in a relationship and I know guys who are in their 40s and have never had a girlfriend in their lives. At least as far as I know. The guys who haven't had GFs don't lead the most exciting lives compare to most, but seem happy.

 

Find out what your priorities are in life and embrace it.

Edited February 22, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[louxor]

I've been single guy for 4 years now. I've enjoyed allowing myself to not worry so much about finding a girlfriend and focus on myself. I'm in good shape (run daily), I don't live with my parents, have a car and a job that pays decently. The only issue I seem to be facing isn't so much getting a girlfriend, but actually looking at a relationship as something that should be fun and enjoyable. After all of my really rough breakups, I only see dating as work now, and I don't see any actual fun that can come of it.

 

Because of this, I've also not had sex in 4 years, either. I've never been on to have one-night stands, so that's prevented me from opening up a bit more. I'm 29 now, and it's starting to worry me that I'm going to be like this forever. (I have two older sisters who have never been in a relationship. I'm the only sibling who has any experience, so that limits who I cna ask advice from.)

 

My friends say I should just go out and hook up with the first girl I see. I'm just trying to figure out if that's really the best advice. Plus it's been 4 years, so all I keep thinking about is how bad I might be from all the rust I've collected.

 

Don't get me wrong - I get hit on fairly often. Not patting myself on the back, but I'm just saying...I have opportunities, and they just make me too nervous/uneasy to pursue.

 

Has anyone else ever felt this way? Been so single that any potential meeting with someone makes you more uneasy than comfortable? I Know I'm holding myself back, but after a couple really bad break ups (cheating involved) I can't seem to get myself back out there.

 

I'm the same as you in regards to one night stands - I have plenty of opportunities much like you but they don't interest me one bit, so you're definitely not alone nor strange for being that way. In regards to being worried about being rusty, If you're like me (which I think you are) when I do find myself in bed with a woman, it's only going to be with someone that shares a strong overall connection with me (as opposed to purely physical in a one night stand), so the whole worry about being rusty doesn't matter too much because the physical act isn't the sole focus (like it is during a one night stand).

 

In regards to the idea of being more uneasy than comfortable with the idea of meeting someone, can you put your finger on anything that may be causing you to feel this way, besides the history you have with the cheating?

[road]

Everybody is different.

 

I know people who can't be a week without being in a relationship and I know guys who are in their 40s and have never had a girlfriend in their lives. At least as far as I know. The guys who haven't had GFs don't lead the most exciting lives compare to most, but seem happy.

 

Find out what your priorities are in life and embrace it.

 

 

Believe me a man can watch a movie, hear a joke, see something nice, pretty and laugh and smile.

 

 

Because you only see the outside you do not see how he is lonely and hurts because he is dating challenged.

[Melrapuo]

I'm the same as you in regards to one night stands - I have plenty of opportunities much like you but they don't interest me one bit, so you're definitely not alone nor strange for being that way. In regards to being worried about being rusty, If you're like me (which I think you are) when I do find myself in bed with a woman, it's only going to be with someone that shares a strong overall connection with me (as opposed to purely physical in a one night stand), so the whole worry about being rusty doesn't matter too much because the physical act isn't the sole focus (like it is during a one night stand).[/Quote]

 

Well its good to know that I'm not alone ?

 

In regards to the idea of being more uneasy than comfortable with the idea of meeting someone, can you put your finger on anything that may be causing you to feel this way, besides the history you have with the cheating?

 

I'm all over the place with this one. Lately, I've still been having dreams about my last ex, even though it's been many years. I've had her blocked on my Facebook since it all ended (I've dated her twice. The first time she left me for someone else, but this second time around we just had too many fights and drifted apart. Had to move out, lost money, etc.), and it's been causing mixed feelings. Part of me still misses her a lot and wishes to speak with her at least, but she's been in a new relationship for years since then and I don't see any actual benefit for me talking to her.

 

Then again, I'm not sure if me having her blocked is actually healthy for me, as not knowing makes me begin to wonder if doing so is actually prolonging my inability to get over her. Sometimes I think dating will help that, but sometimes I think I'll only end up hurting myself (not to mention the other person who I date.). It's left me in a weird spot - I want to date, but I don't know the best way of going about it. I really have become pretty lonely. I miss having someone to talk to. I mean, I have friends, but the conversations you have with a SO are much closer and more intimate.

 

I'm also just afraid to open up again to someone new. I try my best to not get emotionally invested too quickly with someone, but when i finally let my guard down it tends to lead to relationships falling apart. Whenever the talk of marriage came up with my ex's (after years of dating), they always ended up breaking up with me after a few months.

 

There are many different factors. I just don't know if biting the bullet and getting out there is the right move, or if staying single is better

[Melrapuo]

I've realized (after a few days) that keeping my ex blocked may be the best thing for me, still. If I unblock her, I'll eventually snoop around her FB and see what's she's been doing for a few years, and that could potentially make me feel like crap. Even if it actually doesn't, the risk wouldn't be worth it (I tend to be at myself up for making mistakes, and this isn't one I should make)

 

That being said, I still feel stuck. I know the advice is to just set goals for myself and try to do things that will make my life better/happier. I just wonder if there are other things I can do to be ready to get back on track. Four years single/celibate sucks, but I know I'm not emotionally available yet. Dammit.