Why do i dislike my husbands friend?

[Aubrey85]

My husband and I have been together about 7 years. He met a guy friend at work almost 2 years ago and for some reason i just can not stand him and i do not know why. I feel like i am crazy but every time i hear his name it puts me in a bad mood. He moved to another state recently and i thought that would change my feelings about him but i almost resent him more now. He is coming back to visit every other month also. He texts and/ or calls every single day. He is constantly in and out of relationships with the same 3 women and has somehow dragged my husband into those situations which resulted in several arguments between my husband and I. If this guy wasn't such a womanizer i would think he was gay. He has told my husband that he loves him and misses him since he has been gone for not even a month. My husbands lifelong friend who is like a brother doesn't even behave like that and it comes off a little excessive for a man in his 30s. He has also suggested illegal activities to my husband which also contributed to my strong dislike for him. Our family is number one to me so anyone who threatens our lifestyle really irks me. He comes off like a really nice guy and i want to like him but i just cant. Am i just a bitch? I just can't stand him. He has talked to my husband about future plans of another business together as if our son and I are not part of the equation. Maybe i think too much into things but i just cannot shake this dislike for him. I wouldn't stop my husband from being friends with him and he doesn't even know that i dislike him. How can i stop feeling like this? I really try to be fair when it comes to these types of situations and I am not trying to be THAT wife. Are my feelings unreasonable?

[Liam1]

My husband and I have been together about 7 years. He met a guy friend at work almost 2 years ago and for some reason i just can not stand him and i do not know why. I feel like i am crazy but every time i hear his name it puts me in a bad mood. He moved to another state recently and i thought that would change my feelings about him but i almost resent him more now. He is coming back to visit every other month also. He texts and/ or calls every single day. He is constantly in and out of relationships with the same 3 women and has somehow dragged my husband into those situations which resulted in several arguments between my husband and I. If this guy wasn't such a womanizer i would think he was gay. He has told my husband that he loves him and misses him since he has been gone for not even a month. My husbands lifelong friend who is like a brother doesn't even behave like that and it comes off a little excessive for a man in his 30s. He has also suggested illegal activities to my husband which also contributed to my strong dislike for him. Our family is number one to me so anyone who threatens our lifestyle really irks me. He comes off like a really nice guy and i want to like him but i just cant. Am i just a bitch? I just can't stand him. He has talked to my husband about future plans of another business together as if our son and I are not part of the equation. Maybe i think too much into things but i just cannot shake this dislike for him. I wouldn't stop my husband from being friends with him and he doesn't even know that i dislike him. How can i stop feeling like this? I really try to be fair when it comes to these types of situations and I am not trying to be THAT wife. Are my feelings unreasonable?

 

Well, can you ask for a few marriage counseling sessions so your counselor can facilitate a rational discussion about this issue?

 

It seems to me that you have a lot of legitimate concerns about this man.

 

For a guy friend to text and call every single day seems abnormal to me once you are past your teens.

 

The criminal activity bothers me, too.

[ShatteredLady]

Why do you feel like you can't just chat about this with your H? Are there other areas of your M where you consistently bite your tongue or just this one? Have you really thought about that? The answers could be very telling...

 

I've learnt that it's best to only have friends who are friends of your marriage.

 

...by illegal do you mean smoking pot of something? Is this guy trying to make you look like "The old ball & chain"? You know? "Look at all the things we could be doing, business & fun, if you weren't stuck with her!".

 

I agree this is juvenile but I've noticed that 'screw-ups' like a partner in crime at any age.

[RRM321]

Counselling would be a good thing, especially if your husband would participate. I too, think your concerns are legitimate.

 

His behavior is similar to the subtle grooming you find with a con-artist. (The lack of stable long term relationships around him is another red flag.)

 

Improve and strengthen your partnership with your husband. You want to be the one he shares and seeks counsel from if this friend starts making proposals.

 

Now that he's out of sate, beware of any investment opportunity that just happens to be far enough away to make impromptu inspections untenable.

[Gigi2015]

My husband and I have been together about 7 years. He met a guy friend at work almost 2 years ago and for some reason i just can not stand him and i do not know why. I feel like i am crazy but every time i hear his name it puts me in a bad mood. He moved to another state recently and i thought that would change my feelings about him but i almost resent him more now. He is coming back to visit every other month also. He texts and/ or calls every single day. He is constantly in and out of relationships with the same 3 women and has somehow dragged my husband into those situations which resulted in several arguments between my husband and I. If this guy wasn't such a womanizer i would think he was gay. He has told my husband that he loves him and misses him since he has been gone for not even a month. My husbands lifelong friend who is like a brother doesn't even behave like that and it comes off a little excessive for a man in his 30s. He has also suggested illegal activities to my husband which also contributed to my strong dislike for him. Our family is number one to me so anyone who threatens our lifestyle really irks me. He comes off like a really nice guy and i want to like him but i just cant. Am i just a bitch? I just can't stand him. He has talked to my husband about future plans of another business together as if our son and I are not part of the equation. Maybe i think too much into things but i just cannot shake this dislike for him. I wouldn't stop my husband from being friends with him and he doesn't even know that i dislike him. How can i stop feeling like this? I really try to be fair when it comes to these types of situations and I am not trying to be THAT wife. Are my feelings unreasonable?

 

 

It sounds like you don't trust him as a good influence on your husband....with him suggesting illegal activities it's worrisome to you. Don't jump ahead. Express your concerns( the logical ones) to your H. Don't do it in an accusatory or parenting manner. You don't like this guys influence. You cannot control what influences he allows in or what they truly mean to your H. Take a deep breath. I bet them working together won't materialize...

[Aubrey85]

My husband and I communicate very well and are very close and open with each other and we have discussed this friend before and he has assured me he is not interested in the offer he has made but he fully believes that this guy is genuine and just trying to be a good friend and no it was worse than just smoking pot. I would prefer not to go too much into it. The only reason i am asking this question here is because I need to fully understand my own feelings about this guy and if my dislike for him is really justified before i discuss this again with my husband because i am trying to be fair about this situation. My husband has not done anything wrong because of this friend and he isn't easily influenced so I am not worried about him doing anything but i just cannot control my own emotions anytime i hear his name my mood completely changes. I feel bad because it isn't fair to my husband just because i can't control this feeling. I guess i am mainly looking for someone who has felt this way before and how they dealt with it or if they figured out why they had that feeling. (Btw, this is a reply to several of you that have posted responses)

[ChickiePops]

I am very tempted to judge this guy except that my best friend and I have a similar relationship (though to be fair, we are absolutely able to spend days or weeks apart and we are able to not text or talk every day..well..minus the fact that we currently work in the same building..not intentionally!).

 

Her husband and I are not each other's biggest fans either (we started off on a negative note that involved his brother aggressively hitting on my friend, who wasn't interested, and both of them getting in my face and calling me a c*ckblocking b*tch and we have never been able to fully recover, though we are friendly enough), although I have saved their marriage on more than one occasion. And no, neither of us are gay nor have we ever had any inclination. In fact, I was in a relationship with a different brother of his. If we didn't live across the country from each other I'm fairly certain we'd be together now.

 

I don't really know what my point is, I just wonder if people would have the same reaction to this if it was the husband who was posting and the wife who had a friend of this nature.

[RRM321]

I think your feelings are fear, and anger.

Even when a family member has strong boundaries I feel afraid and angry when I believe someone is trying to over-come them. A harmless threat is still a threat, and illegal enticements are insulting.

You love and respect your husband - who wouldn't get angry?

[Aubrey85]

I think your feelings are fear, and anger.

Even when a family member has strong boundaries I feel afraid and angry when I believe someone is trying to over-come them. A harmless threat is still a threat, and illegal enticements are insulting.

You love and respect your husband - who wouldn't get angry?

 

I haven't thought about it like that. That could be it. Thank you so much for your response.

[Liam1]

 

...he is not interested in the offer he has made but he fully believes that this guy is genuine and just trying to be a good friend and no it was worse than just smoking pot. I would prefer not to go too much into it.

 

 

Aubrey:

 

Your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it.

 

Why would your husband even need a friend who wants him to engage in criminal activity?

 

As others have noted. This man does not sound like a friend of the marriage.

 

Heck, he does not even sound like a good friend to your husband.

 

Criminal activity? Come on.

 

It is not unfair for you to tell your husband that this man makes you uncomfortable and that you don't think being associated with him will benefit your husband in any way.

[ChickiePops]

I am very tempted to judge this guy except that my best friend and I have a similar relationship (though to be fair, we are absolutely able to spend days or weeks apart and we are able to not text or talk every day..well..minus the fact that we currently work in the same building..not intentionally!).

 

Her husband and I are not each other's biggest fans either (we started off on a negative note that involved his brother aggressively hitting on my friend, who wasn't interested, and both of them getting in my face and calling me a c*ckblocking b*tch and we have never been able to fully recover, though we are friendly enough), although I have saved their marriage on more than one occasion. And no, neither of us are gay nor have we ever had any inclination. In fact, I was in a relationship with a different brother of his. If we didn't live across the country from each other I'm fairly certain we'd be together now.

 

I don't really know what my point is, I just wonder if people would have the same reaction to this if it was the husband who was posting and the wife who had a friend of this nature.

 

Wow, my reading comprehension skills are off today. The criminal activity is a huge red flag..what the eff??

[Tread Carefully]

This could be a very stupid question but I have my reasons for asking it.

 

Have you met him in person?

[Aubrey85]

Yes, i have met him. He has come over several times and had stayed the night twice.

[AMJ]

From what you've said, I wouldn't like him either! Question is, why does your husband like him so much?

 

Hopefully their friendship just fades away now that he lives far away. He seems like the type of guy who uses friends for certain reasons, so he must be benefiting from the friendship somehow.