No contact -- how to keep that up?

[Apparition]

So, I am having a little trouble with NC -- though I took some necessary steps to ensure I do not contact my ex-girlfriend.

 

I asked a family member who knows a lot about computers to block some content on my laptop which will restrict me from checking up on my ex.

 

I felt this was a necessary step for me and would recommend it to anyone trying to maintain NC.

 

However, I am not sure about anyone else but I have this little voice in my head who argues with the logical side of me and it's doing my head in.

 

How do/did you keep up with NC and how difficult was it for you?

[BeFierce]

I keep up with it, because you get to a point were u realize you don't need a dysfunctional a$$ clown in your life. Keeping someone, who gives the illusion that they are highly sought over, was very stupid thing. All the people who wanted to be with this guy were the most insecure, low self-esteem women. And sadly I'd say I was the worst one out of those women. We all worshiped him like that golden cow in the bible. Except he was gold-plated. Looking back now, there was nothing -absolutely nothing special about him. The second I cut him out of my life, I found an even more handsome guy, very intelligent, very ambitious, and with an even greater sense of humor. But I'm not even giving that guy the time of day either-because I already see red flags popping out, and I'm wise enough to know to avoid him. These a$$ clowns are a dime a dozen, and I treasure myself, because I know I'm a genuine person and I deserve the best. That's how I don't bother with contacting losers lol. I know my worth.

[BC1980]

10 Essential Breakup Boundaries | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

I read this blog entry over and over. In general, her blog has a lot of great entries that I read while dealing with the end of my relationship. I read her book "The No Contact Rule" every time I questioned WHY I was doing NC. I'd recommend reading her book because she walks you through the stages of NC, stages of breakup grief, and addresses common triggers/reasons for wanting to contact an ex. Honestly, this book should be required reading for anyone who has been dumped.

 

I went NC after 8 months, so it wasn't difficult to keep NC. I was hell bent on NC by that point because I had been screwed over so much by that point (some of it by my own hand because I kept breaking NC). So by the time I decided to go NC, it was for real. I was dead serious about it, but I needed a lot of help dealing with the emotions of NC. I think that is where people trip up and where this book helped me. You have to deal with a lot of sadness, confusion, anger, second guessing yourself, ect. People want to reach out for their ex to make these feelings stop because, in the past, your ex was a source of comfort. Also, logically, if you could undo the breakup, these feelings wouldn't exist. So we find all types of ways to avoid these feelings, and contacting your ex gives you momentary relief from feeling so bad. The book walks you through all these feelings and gives you tools to work through the feelings. If you use the tools offered, your journey will become bearable, and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

 

At this point (over 2 years of NC), I don't even register it as NC. Not speaking to my ex is just part of my life and something that would never cross my mind to begin with. I saw him the other day at work, we exchanged a greeting, and it was no big deal. No emotions, no worries. Compare that to a year and a half ago when I saw him at work and had to run to the bathroom because I started crying. Take into account that I might see him every 3 months in passing. We do not work in close proximity, so I am not advocating working closely with an ex.

[triple-s]

At this point (over 2 years of NC), I don't even register it as NC. Not speaking to my ex is just part of my life and something that would never cross my mind to begin with. I saw him the other day at work, we exchanged a greeting, and it was no big deal. No emotions, no worries. Compare that to a year and a half ago when I saw him at work and had to run to the bathroom because I started crying. Take into account that I might see him every 3 months in passing. We do not work in close proximity, so I am not advocating working closely with an ex.

 

Yeh ... id be over my ex already if it wasnt for the fact i work with her ... its even harder this way . =\

[Emilia]

It's hard because we were in touch on/off for 7 years. Fought pretty hard when I decided to go NC a few weeks ago. It's a daily battle fighting that voice but I know the reason behind my decision and I remind myself each time. I know it's a habit I need to break. When something happens I have to suppress the urge to send a quick text, it's really impulsive at times but I know it will pass.

 

You have to pride yourself on discipline.

[RandomTraveller]

So, I am having a little trouble with NC -- though I took some necessary steps to ensure I do not contact my ex-girlfriend.

 

I asked a family member who knows a lot about computers to block some content on my laptop which will restrict me from checking up on my ex.

 

I felt this was a necessary step for me and would recommend it to anyone trying to maintain NC.

 

However, I am not sure about anyone else but I have this little voice in my head who argues with the logical side of me and it's doing my head in.

 

How do/did you keep up with NC and how difficult was it for you?

 

To me after almost 10 weeks it's still a struggle. Ended all contacts on Jan 5 2016, broke it with 1 single message that will keep her far from me hopefully for a lot of time on this february.

 

But I want to write to her everyday. My emotional part thought more than once to just take the car, go to her home and leave a letter on the windshield of her car.

 

What I use (but I think is very personal) on me to not contact her is that I know the answer to this single question:

 

"Would it help actually contact her?"

 

I got a huge list of reasons that say to me clearly a big "NO" it would not help me at all contact her.

 

I still feel the loneliness every single day and knowing that her can't help me maybe feels even worse... but it's working for me.

 

Also knowining that out there is full of girls ready to be met also helps. Still struggling with that too, got rejected several times (not at all in bad ways), but honestly it doesn't hurt not even 1 / 100 of what I've been through because of her...

[BC1980]

Yeh ... id be over my ex already if it wasnt for the fact i work with her ... its even harder this way . =\

 

I think it was harder for me. It took me longer because things kept happening that stirred up feelings for me. Also, people knew us as a couple and wanted to ask questions. I felt like they were always wondering what happened. I did get extremely lucky because when the actual breakup happened, he had already started working somewhere else. So post breakup, I had a solid year where we didn't work together. I almost flipped my sh*t when I heard he was coming back to work. I even created a thread about it It was very upsetting because I thought I would never have to see him again.

 

I decided I would give it several months and see how it all played out. Luckily, we don't work in close proximity. I've gone months without seeing him, and, even when I do see him, we don't usually need to communicate. It's just passing each other in the hall. I've only had to talk about something work related 2 times in the past year and a half, and it wasn't a big deal. He usually tries to engage me in a longer conversation and will attempt to ask personal questions, but I don't entertain it. I think he's just curious as to why I stopped responding to his breadcrumbs and why I don't speak to him when I see him. I think he just wants to know what I'm doing with my life because he's nosy. It's also just generally bizarre to see a person you used to share a life with, and I think a lot of us just don't know how to handle that. I'm sure it's also weird for him to see me as merely an acquaintance. I decided to handle it with NC and ignoring him at work. He wants to handle it by trying to engage more.

 

So my situation isn't that bad. It's doable. It I felt held back, I would change jobs.

Edited February 23, 2016 by BC1980

[Apparition]

Thank you for your replies, guys. I am sorry most of you still struggle with NC and am glad for the ones who no longer struggle with it.

 

As for me, my ex and I had a discussion before I went NC -- she reached out to me after my Brother's funeral after disappearing for two days, she told me she needed to "think" away from me. She reached out asking to be friends, strictly platonic friends because she cares for me and wants me to be happy. How she doesn't know if friendship is possible, but would love to try. She explained she has a lot of anger built up towards me and bitterness because we weren't exactly nice to each other near the end of our break-up.

 

My response to her was that I could not be her friend right now because friendship is not possible. It is only possible when I have removed any romantic feelings I have for her so if she wants friendship she will need to give me that time to do so. I said we should take some time away from each other to focus on our own lives and maybe when we are in a better, healthier place after both of us have fixed our issues as individuals then perhaps we can some day try and attempt a friendship. She agreed.

 

I am on day five of NC and it is very difficult. Part of me wants to contact her and say, you know what? Let's just wipe the slate clean and start over. THAT is my illogical voice which tells me this daily and fills my head with unhealthy thoughts. My logical side is what stops me from contacting her. I tell myself that SHE doesn't want that so it's no good and it will just result into me suffering more.

 

I am not a patient person and I know time heals all but I keep counting the seconds, the minutes, the hours until my day ends and when I finally go to bed I cannot sleep because all these unhealthy thoughts enter my mind and she haunts my dreams. It's rather annoying that I DO have ten minutes to myself during the day where I do not think about her and then she just randomly pops into my head again.

 

I've also been thinking now that I left my job if I should move and start fresh somewhere else. She lives in my town and shops at the same stores I do and usually at the same time, we both have a routine but lately mine has not been the same so I haven't saw her except for once. However, would moving and starting fresh elsewhere be running away and make me regret it later? All because of this? I'm not sure, but I know for certain I cannot stand to be in the same town knowing it is a possibility I could bump into her.

 

Thoughts??

[BC1980]

I've also been thinking now that I left my job if I should move and start fresh somewhere else. She lives in my town and shops at the same stores I do and usually at the same time, we both have a routine but lately mine has not been the same so I haven't saw her except for once. However, would moving and starting fresh elsewhere be running away and make me regret it later? All because of this? I'm not sure, but I know for certain I cannot stand to be in the same town knowing it is a possibility I could bump into her.

 

Thoughts??

 

After my breakup, someone told me to wait 1 year before making any major decisions. I think that was good advice. Every week, I wanted something different. My emotions weren't stable. Obviously, I think there are exceptions. I wouldn't want to live on the same street as my ex or anything extreme like that. I wouldn't want to work at the adjacent cubicle. Sometimes, the fear of seeing your ex can keep you captive. Just the fear of not knowing how this will all pan out can cause anxiety. When my ex came back to work, some LS posters suggested that I see how it all panned out before I made a knee jerk decision. It was good advice.

[YWGMan]

I keep up with it, because you get to a point were u realize you don't need a dysfunctional a$$ clown in your life. Keeping someone, who gives the illusion that they are highly sought over, was very stupid thing. All the people who wanted to be with this guy were the most insecure, low self-esteem women. And sadly I'd say I was the worst one out of those women. We all worshiped him like that golden cow in the bible. Except he was gold-plated. Looking back now, there was nothing -absolutely nothing special about him. The second I cut him out of my life, I found an even more handsome guy, very intelligent, very ambitious, and with an even greater sense of humor. But I'm not even giving that guy the time of day either-because I already see red flags popping out, and I'm wise enough to know to avoid him. These a$$ clowns are a dime a dozen, and I treasure myself, because I know I'm a genuine person and I deserve the best. That's how I don't bother with contacting losers lol. I know my worth.

 

 

Very well said!

[Zapbasket]

I've also been thinking now that I left my job if I should move and start fresh somewhere else. She lives in my town and shops at the same stores I do and usually at the same time, we both have a routine but lately mine has not been the same so I haven't saw her except for once. However, would moving and starting fresh elsewhere be running away and make me regret it later? All because of this? I'm not sure, but I know for certain I cannot stand to be in the same town knowing it is a possibility I could bump into her.

 

Thoughts??

 

I think BC1980 gave you very wise advise on this point.

 

As for maintaining NC, your situation is indeed challenging because your ex wants to maintain contact with you, but she can't give you what your heart wants, and so that contact causes you only pain. You should give yourself a lot of credit for being able to say, "No, I cannot be in contact with you," because in saying that and following through your let your head lead your heart. That takes a great deal of inner strength because every fiber of feeling in your being tells you that it is a "good" thing to do the opposite, and revel in the contact, damn the pain.

 

My situation is the opposite because my ex made very clear both in his exit note and his non-action over the past two-plus years that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. There's a lot of devastation and confusion with that ("why would he not want ANYTHING to do with me? What did I ever do to him to deserve to be shunned like this? Did he never care?" etc.), but it makes it "easier" to go no-contact because the decision was entirely out of my hands. Instead it was his mom who wanted contact with me, and wanted to maintain a friendship, and it took me until only recently to get to a point where I just had to stop it because it hurt too much, stirred up too many feelings, left me feeling like crap after meetings or contact with her, etc. Likewise, I obsessively monitored his Facebook activity (incognito--I never "liked" his posts or made my monitoring visible in any way) until he unfriended me this past fall.

 

Even now, I will confess, I do look at his FB page. He barely ever posted anything anyway, so it's pretty silly given it's the same vision every time and especially silly because when he finally does change his profile picture or cover photo or someone posts a photo of him, it will be a jolt to me. I also look up at his apartment window when I drive by on the highway on my way downtown; it's almost a reflex. I try to repeat this mantra even while I do it: "What he is doing in his life right now does not matter. It has nothing to do with me. It does not matter. Focus on your life."

 

As for whether or not to move, I do think BC1980 is right, that it's best to hold off until emotions have subsided enough that you can at least feel confident you are making clear decisions. I know for me, I waited until just the past month or so to open up the consideration to move, but for me, I'm beginning to feel like there is no way for me to advance in my company and I feel stymied socially in that I'm simply not exposed to enough variety and numbers of new people to be able to forge new friendships with like-minded people, let alone ever to be able to meet a new partner. I'm beginning to feel that the only way I can progress in my life as a whole is to at least seriously consider moving, and I'm beginning to look at options. I do feel the difference between me considering the option to move now, when my emotions are more in check, versus even a year ago, when I struggled to be "objective" but in truth it was my desperation to get some air after this whole breakup anguish that was pushing me more than the consideration of what was holistically best for me.

 

Again, give yourself credit for the great strength you've already exhibited. I do believe that when we finally start looking after our own well-being, first in small decisions and steps, we line up our mind to continue making decisions in which our whole well-being is our primary guidepost and alliance. You might not be at that point yet, and that's okay. Sit with your feelings as hard as they are, and eventually things will become clear in a way you hadn't thought possible even a few months ago.

 

Wishing you everything good, authentic, and right--for you.

Edited February 23, 2016 by GreenCove

[Apparition]

Thanks again for your responses. I enjoy reading your posts.

 

I have to say, this has been the most difficult break-up I have ever experienced because in the past I was able to think logically and heal. I knew what I wanted and I knew the only way to get over it was to remove the person from my life and move on completely. It took me two years to completely get over my very first serious girlfriend who cheated on me.

 

I have dated but never been official with anyone and was the one always to cut them off because I wasn't liking where it was going or I no longer felt that spark or something they did put me off. I got into a relationship after that with my recent ex-girlfriend and I immediately felt she was my, "HER". She was the one I wanted to be with. The one I wanted to marry, provide for, give a home to, take care of sick or not, make her feel beautiful and love her the best way I could. For her to bring that side of me alive meant everything to me because that side of me was dead for a long time. We had so much in common, our banter easily bounced off one another's, I thoroughly enjoyed exploring her brain and learning new things about her, I loved her view on life, on people, animals, and I especially loved her view on LOVE. For me it was just like winning the lottery. I had finally met the woman of my dreams who I so quickly fell for and I was utterly, madly in love with every bit of her. I felt "home" with her so to speak. She was my home. She was so beautiful in every way. Every person who met her would be in "awe" of her and I am not exaggerating. She was classy. She is a very beautiful woman on the outside, too. Gorgeous. My family also adored her -- and I have never had that with any of my past relationships. All my ex-girlfriends or people I dated , well, my family did not take too kindly to them.

 

Anyway, you get the picture.

 

The thoughts I am currently having now are all of those things I just described about her. I am also thinking of the, "what if", the "how", the "why". "How could she do this to me?". Basically analyzing the situation for answers. But the truth is I don't think there is a good enough answer that will bring me any comfort. I have a huge battle going on in my head where I tell myself she still loves me, then I tell myself she doesn't, I tell myself she wants to talk to me, just reach out to her! Then tell myself no she doesn't because if she did she would have contacted ME. Then I think of all the hurtful things she has said in arguments.

 

Worst of all I will think of, "what if I never get over her? Not completely." -- "what if I am not capable of finding another woman better than her?". That sort of stuff. I cannot sleep due to this and I am not functioning normally at all because these thoughts are ALWAYS in the back of my head even when I am doing something. It's so damn annoying. I just want one day where I am not thinking about her at all, where I can enjoy the movie I am watching or the music I am listening to without thinking about her, where I can eat a meal without her popping into my head and then throwing the dinner out because the thought of her just ruined my appetite and now am sitting with what feels like a hole in my chest.

 

"None of this is fair, why am I the one joining some website to talk about HER because of what SHE did to ME and she is probably not even thinking twice about it!?" -- As you can imagine I have a TON of emotions lately. Anger, guilt, embarrassment, shame, sadness, depression, pain, suffering, dislike, love, gutted, feeling unlovable. It is emotional turmoil where all these emotions are playing tug-war with each other, the good VS the bad.

 

I am sure you've all thought the same, "how am I going to get through this?".

[darkbloom]

Quite simple.

 

Remember the day after you broke up and you kinda felt like dying?

 

That's what it feels like EVERY time you break NC.

 

It becomes easier when you never want to feel like that again. You have to start over and its like cutting your heart open and rubbing salt in it for fun.

[Zapbasket]

That's the worst time--when you are trying to just go about your routine and from the outside, everything seems normal, but inside there's that heaviness of thoughts of the person and the burning hole in your heart where they once had resided. It's literally a cloud hovering over you, interpolating your view of your ceiling when you first wake up, and weighing you down all day.

 

It does--it will--get better. Now I feel like I can go about my life and I feel fully IN the moments, while the whole saga and sense of loss just runs alongside like a quiet stream. It's always there, but it's not in my way like it was before...or if it is in my way, it's very insidious.

 

One thing I found helpful with a breakup of a 5-year relationship in 2007 was to make a list of all the things about my ex and things I associated with him that I loved. From there I was able to separate the list into two categories: one, the things that were unique to him, his "him-ness"; and two, the things that he exposed me to and dreams I imagined carrying out with him. The first list was what I could never get back, because I couldn't get HIM back. The second list were of things that were just things, really, and had nothing to do with HIM except in my memories. One of these was skiing--my 2007 ex exposed me to it as I'd never even seen a ski up close. When we first broke up, part of my mourning was of all the times I thought we'd ski together in the future that were now gone. And I realized, "He doesn't OWN skiing; I can make it mine if I'm so interested in it." And now I'm living in a ski town, teaching skiing and working for a ski corporation, and I ski some of the most challenging double-black terrain in North America.

 

There are parts of what you're mourning about your ex that aren't really your ex, essentially. You had a certain feeling about her, most of which probably was due to her as I don't doubt your love is and was clear and sincere (that first long paragraph of your post is just beautiful), but some part of it is also the IDEA of her, things she represents to you, and these are things that are attached to YOU, not to her. You didn't lose these things and in them might be a key to the path that's right for you going forward.

 

But don't try to analyze your love away. I don't think it's productive or even possible. Try to find gratitude in the fact that you could love so deeply. You say she lit up things in you that had been shut off for a long time. Don't' let the loss of her be the switch that turns those things off. In your mourning of what you had, hold on to that light as your gift to YOU.

 

Hope some of this makes sense. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

[Apparition]

"Don't' let the loss of her be the switch that turns those things off. In your mourning of what you had, hold on to that light as your gift to YOU. "

 

This part of your post touched me and made me come to a big realization today after thinking long and hard about it.

 

I am speaking for myself when I say this but it probably goes for everyone else, too. I believe the reason we scrabble around trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered heart is because of the pain we feel.

 

The pain makes us want to be okay, we want to go back to feeling happy and loved again so we reach out to our ex over and over and over. Simply because we are afraid. We're vulnerable, exposed, broken and most importantly we love her/him.

 

So after thinking long and hard about everything and reading your posts, something was gnawing at me in the back of my head that I couldn't quite figure out until it hit me when reading your posts.

 

It is actually a good thing that I am hurting. It's good because it means I am grieving and also healing. It's good because it means I must have truly loved her for it to hurt this much. And loving her, even if she doesn't love me back, even if she left me, it's okay because I was able to give someone something precious of mine, something beautiful and part of me.

 

I exposed myself at the risk of being broken because I trusted this person to love me back and accept me. I trusted them not to abandon me. Yet, even through our break-up I have been supportive of her and always here for her no matter what.

 

For me, that is nothing I should be scrabbling over. That is nothing I should feel afraid of. I did beautiful things for a beautiful person and now that beautiful person no longer wants those beautiful things and it's OK.

 

It's OK because I'm the one who can say I gave you those things and more. I truly love you. I stayed. I supported you. I exposed my most vulnerable parts to you and in the end it was you who abandoned me, who rejected me, who rejected the true love I was giving to you.

 

To know you did everything you possibly could to love someone and it still didn't work is a bit of a relief because it just shows the type of person you are and how big of a loss it is for them.

 

It is perfectly acceptable to love someone who no longer loves you -- your heart was real, it was true and you felt it. Going through all that work and exposing yourself just to feel the opposite in end is such a tragedy. To not be hurt is a waste of time. To not feel broken is a waste of heart.

 

So I will not hide or try to avoid the pain because the pain is my journey to healing. The pain means I truly loved.

 

My heart may have been broken, but at least it truly opened for it to be shattered in the way it did.

[Zapbasket]

It is perfectly acceptable to love someone who no longer loves you -- your heart was real, it was true and you felt it. Going through all that work and exposing yourself just to feel the opposite in end is such a tragedy. To not be hurt is a waste of time. To not feel broken is a waste of heart.

 

So I will not hide or try to avoid the pain because the pain is my journey to healing. The pain means I truly loved.

 

My heart may have been broken, but at least it truly opened for it to be shattered in the way it did.

 

This is a great angle with which to view your experience. When your heart is closed off, yes, you can't be hurt or disappointed as much, but it's like an aperture: its teensy or non-existent opening keeps most of the light, and with it the flow of new experience, the chance for transformation, the general receptiveness to the wonder and beauty of the world, out. That's no way to be or to live.

 

Perhaps the gift of this relationship is that it opened you and softened you where before you were more rigid and less open to being emotionally moved. If there is a ring of truth in that, then you can simultaneously honor the relationship you shared with this woman, AND honor yourself, by holding that "aperture" to your heart open. You already sound like such a receptive, perceptive, empathetic person, and though it might not feel like it now (because these qualities in you enabled you to reach such a great love for this woman), these are beautiful, attractive, incredible strengths.

Edited February 24, 2016 by GreenCove

[Apparition]

Thanks for your kind words, GC. Very appreciative.

 

Today my emotion is resentment, unfortunately. I woke up today feeling VERY angry and resentful towards my ex-girlfriend. I am not sure if this is healthy but it's just how I feel. I'm dreading later today because I have to attend a mutual friends birthday party and she is going to be there -- my ex. I wasn't going to go at first but the mutual friend's Sister told me just to show face, have a few drinks and then if I am too uncomfortable I can leave but she wants me to be there.

 

I recall having a conversation with my ex where she told me she is very bitter and has a lot of anger towards me (but yet she wants to be friends, ha). I have a gut feeling once her bitterness and anger has cleared she will contact me to tell me she misses me. That is my gut-feeling. What I'm worried about is when that will happen (like if it will happen when I'm still weak) and also how to handle that. I just hope I am in a strong place when that happens and I can bet it will.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for your kind words, GC. Very appreciative.

 

Today my emotion is resentment, unfortunately. I woke up today feeling VERY angry and resentful towards my ex-girlfriend. I am not sure if this is healthy but it's just how I feel. I'm dreading later today because I have to attend a mutual friends birthday party and she is going to be there -- my ex. I wasn't going to go at first but the mutual friend's Sister told me just to show face, have a few drinks and then if I am too uncomfortable I can leave but she wants me to be there.

 

I recall having a conversation with my ex where she told me she is very bitter and has a lot of anger towards me (but yet she wants to be friends, ha). I have a gut feeling once her bitterness and anger has cleared she will contact me to tell me she misses me. That is my gut-feeling. What I'm worried about is when that will happen (like if it will happen when I'm still weak) and also how to handle that. I just hope I am in a strong place when that happens and I can bet it will.

 

You don't have to go. Why put yourself through this? Just call your friend, wish him/her a happy birthday, and say something along the lines of, "Hey, I really want to be out celebrating with you tonight, but I think seeing [ex] is a bit to difficult for me right now. How about I buy you dinner/a drink this weekend?"

 

Think of yourself. Be HONEST with yourself. It's going to be hard and you are posting here because you are struggling with waves of emotion. It's okay to bow out of situations that are painful right now; you can't be expected to just weather it so early in the grief game. It doesn't look "bad" or "weak"; it looks real. And honest. And self-respecting.

 

Also, of course it's healthy to go through waves of anger and resentment. That's all part of the process. Be kinder to yourself.

[kztar]

I agree 100% with GreenCove. Seeing this person will only set you back. If this person is truly your friend they WILL understand. Don't put yourself through this what so ever. If you do it, do it at your own risk but I would say avoid it.

[Apparition]

Thanks, GC and Kztar.

 

I was feeling guilty about not going but after talking to a friend I realize I need my own space. This is why I would prefer to move because I won't have to see faces that are familiar with EL (my ex) and I especially won't have to see her. I could get a new job, start a new chapter in my life away from all the stress and drama. Although I know my heart-break will follow but at least I won't have to keep getting punched in the gut while I am down.

 

Mutual friends keep telling me to, "move on". To "find someone else". I am sick to death of hearing that, the pain is raw and too intense, I have no choice but to move on but moving on doesn't mean finding someone new for me -- it means healing and being happy alone. If someone else comes along, great, if not, that's good too. At this point I just want a peaceful life without this heavy feeling in my chest where I feel I have lost something. I'm no longer going to the party, I know it's a bad idea.

 

How are you all?

[kztar]

[quote=

Mutual friends keep telling me to, "move on". To "find someone else". I am sick to death of hearing that, the pain is raw and too intense, I have no choice but to move on but moving on doesn't mean finding someone new for me -- it means healing and being happy alone. If someone else comes along, great, if not, that's good too. At this point I just want a peaceful life without this heavy feeling in my chest where I feel I have lost something. I'm no longer going to the party, I know it's a bad idea.]

 

GOOD FOR YOU MAN. BTW im on the same boat as you about the mutual friends thing. Im sick of it all too. I think that what we need to do is find peace alone and then use this experience to not allow anyone become our happiness but rather than an addition to our happiness. This can be tricky because at first is always just an addition to your happiness but with time if you become close enough to this person they are a major part of your happiness which is why we feel the way we do right now. Anyhow I would love to hear your full story. Honestly knowing that im not alone has helped me alot through this process.

[Apparition]

After thinking about it these past few days and writing out a pro's and con's list on why it would be better or not to move I think I have came to a decision. There are more pro's than con's on why it would be better to move. I have barely anything here for me, I now hate my job and my friends are mostly EL's (my ex's) anyway and I do not really care to keep them around. Today after going to the pharmacy to get my prescription I ran into a mutual friend/acquaintance who "supposedly" doesn't know my ex and I broke up but I know for a fact she was at the party yesterday and I have no doubt she does know but just wanted to be nosy.

 

She asked me how my ex was doing and when I told her "I am not sure, we're not together" -- she proceeded to ask me questions about my ex and what happened, why we broke up, where she was now, if she had someone new etc. I finally told her that I didn't want to discuss my ex and she apologized but then proceeded to ask me if I've been eating and making comments on my looks, "oh, you look rather thin now. Have you been eating?" -- "you're awfully pale as well, make sure you get some fresh air". These things annoyed me because she is the type of woman to go back and tell my ex-girlfriend that she seen me and how pale, thin I was looking. The reason I am pale is because I haven't been going out much or sleeping and the reason I am thin is because I am not eating, what business is it of yours!? I'm going through a break-up, what do you expect? Sigh.

 

Anyway, my point is is that I would rather be in a town where no one knows me and to be able to walk out my front door without being asked questions about my ex and the possibility of running into my ex. I am getting nowhere with my job, I am tired of being in this house anyway -- it reminds me of her most of the time because she practically lived here. I know some of you said give it a year but I honestly do not think I could put up with this much longer.

 

I was also wondering if anyone did move after their break-up and if they felt better?

[ChickiePops]

If you keep up NC you can imagine that she's lost all her teeth or that she's suddenly broken out in huge angry boils all over her body. That's been my motivation in past break ups.

[kztar]

Man I understand you. By the way that person was out of control asking you all these questions. Honestly if you feel like that go for the move. I was thinking of doing the same but just out of my house because I feel like even coming home reminds me of my ex. A new environment is always good specially after a breakup. Although thankfully I live in NYC and he lives in Long Island, our chances of running into each other are slim to NONE. Because 99 percent of the time was spend at his house, I am okay with staying home. Instead I will use my time to travel the world and learn how to be alone. Also let me know how youre coping. Im having a really bad day today. I just want to cry allllllll day and night smh. Just know that after a breakup, we might not be ourselves and might want to make decisions we might regret later on. But the MOVE sounds good considering all other factors. Also, I was thinking the same. A YEAR SOUNDS LIKE A HELL OF A TIME. It feels like a month per day so a year. I feel like everyday i just survive another day.

[Apparition]

kztar, you are absolutely correct about how a day feels like a month. The day draaaags in so long you count the seconds, minutes and hours until it's time to go to bed and it feels like you just spent a whole month being awake. I'm sorry that you are having a bad day. Any plans?

 

It's 22:02 PM here -- I have been settled in for about two hours now and before that I tried everything possible to distract myself today. Although, she was always there in the back of my mind waiting to pop up as soon as I sat down and had time alone. I had a depressing day, missing her. I went out and bought some video games for when I am home alone -- it gives me something to do whilst I am home and to keep my brain occupied. I'm going to hand in my notice tomorrow at work -- I know it may be too soon but I am hating my job more than I care to say. I've managed to get some side work for next week -- cash in hand sort of thing to keep me going while I make my next move. Definitely going to get out of this town.

 

Hope your day gets better, kztar. Keep posting here if you wish. : )