No contact -- how to keep that up?

[Jasejasejase]

Dear world,

 

I don't know. Those are the three words that haunt ME, the three words that start all my questions ... Start all my rants, start all my painful processes and darkest descents.

 

I don't know why I find life so hard and why i can't enjoy it alone

I don't know why I can only find peace with a loved one at my side.

I don't know why I can't find peace in other places.

I don't know why I can't see the beauty in this world, the light, the passion, the detail

I don't know why I need the things I find so hard to achieve.

I don't know why im so needy, so possessive, so in need of constant validation

I don't know why I can't be happy with the things I do have, my amazing children, who truly are wonderful.

I don't know how i can prevent my children from not having my curse and my awkwardness

I don't know why so alone, why I've never made friends.

I don't know why I've always been ok with that, why the only thing I've ever wanted is the one

I don't know how I can ever love again

I don't know how I can climb out of this pit when every time I try the soil comes apart in my hands and makes Me fall

I dont know why I can never find a hug when I truly need one

 

But most of all

I don't know how I can be happy alone

 

X

[Apparition]

Jase, I'm kind of worried about you, dude.

 

I think depression has consumed you and it sucks being in that position because I've been there and I know when you're in, YOU'RE IN. You can't see beyond the depression because everywhere you look it's dark, gloomy and you're alone. At least, that is what you think. You're not pathetic for venting how you feel and I am sure you probably view it as pathetic because you think it's a weakness but it isn't. You're on day what? Day 10-11 of NC? Look how far you've came. You've managed to get through the day even though you feel like absolute sh*t. And trust me, we all feel like sh*t. It's just that some people don't say it out loud or as much as others will. Everyone deals with it differently and everyone has different coping mechanisms.

 

I'm not afraid to say how I feel -- I am a grown ass man and have my cries during the day and sometimes at night. Sh*t, dude, I go to bed and hold the pillow my ex used to sleep her head on and it smells of her so I hold it close as though it was her body and I rest my face where I can smell the scent of her hair. We all have little things that make us "pathetic". I'm on day 8 of NC and I keep checking my phone hoping it rings, hoping it's her. And just like you I want to lay in my bed and sleep the whole day away, in fact, I want to sleep the whole year away and wake up to a time where I don't even remember feeling this way. We're all on the same boat, dude, it's just that some people are doing it differently than you will be.

 

If you want to stay in your bed -- cool, stay in your bed. Do whatever you have to do in order to get this moping around business out of your way and then get out of that bed and start living your life. You shouldn't feel guilty for living, you shouldn't worry if it will make your love for your ex disappear because it won't. It just means you're living your life with the love buried beneath a surface you HAD to put over it. We're all encouraging you for you to get out of your bed so you DON'T feel miserable 24/7 and make yourself crazy with constant thoughts of your ex and the break-up. Your mind needs to be on something else for at least a few minutes, dude. Your ex is still going to be there, but just in the back of your mind.

 

I don't want to give you false hope but everyone doesn't go through the same thing. Some people get back together with their ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, ex husband, ex wife, whoever it may be. Some people divorce for years and get back together. Some people split up for a day, a month, several years and get back together. Some don't. Some find new partners and break-up again, some marry and divorce again, some meet someone else who they end up dying with. It's ALL DIFFERENT. So let's say your ex were to come back in a couple months and you're STILL in your bed or you're STILL miserable and not doing anything to help yourself. What good are you going to be to her? To any future women you want to love? They want to be able to rely on you, dude. So be strong, no if's or but's about it -- you have no choice in this but to be strong. YOU need to love YOU first of all before you let another woman try to love you. Your future wife, whether it is your ex-girlfriend, whether it is a new girlfriend, she wants YOU to be healthy, she NEEDS you to be capable of loving YOURSELF and being capable of loving yourself means taking care of yourself. All of that requires STRENGTH and strength is definitely a tool you have because you have came several days without contacting your ex.

 

It will be okay, Jase. But do something for yourself, dude, and for your future.

[Apparition]

Hey guys

 

Hope NC is going well for you all, and hopefully some distance and time is helping you work through all that went wrong and your hope for the future.

 

I'm feeling particularly low today, I'm attempting to stay focused and positive, but I keep remembering the weight of what is being lost and it makes me sad. There can't be only one of us wanting this, or at least want to give it a shot, so I must let go, but I feel like a huge chunk of my heart is being pulled out, he is dear to me, but he is making me ill.

 

X

 

Scientist, which day of NC are you on?

 

As I said to Jase in my previous post we're all on the same boat, otherwise we wouldn't be here. It is perfectly okay to love someone to the point it hurts -- it only hurts because they are not in our lives and they do not want us currently. Perhaps that feeling of loving them may never go away, perhaps we will always love them but one thing is for sure, the pain lessens and it becomes easier to function while still loving them.

 

It is okay you love your ex, it is okay you want them even though they may not want you. Not many people in this life will love that way and that kind of love is rare, so just be grateful YOU feel that and experience that. When your ex-boyfriend finds a girl who cheats on him, he'll think of you and remember how you loved him, when your ex-boyfriend finds a girl who lies to him, he'll think of you and how you loved him, when your ex-boyfriend finds a girl who treats him poorly, has jealousy issues, just anything that goes wrong or hurts them, they'll think of the person who loved them purely -- despite THEM treating you poorly and not wanting you in return. It is best to love a person as best as you can because in the end, it will be them who kick themselves and wonder why they didn't keep you. And one day you might find a person who loves you that way too, or you might even reconcile with an ex partner, who knows? Nobody does. Our futures are unknown and that's what scares us the most.

 

Hang in there.

[Apparition]

Hey everyone.

 

How is everyone doing ? How are we coping tonight?.

I am here in my bed feeling a tad bit better than earlier. Im actually working on another thread describing all the red flags and for how long they've were around in my relationship. Honestly, I wish i would of known of this site sooner im sure people could of given me advice but im here now. Anyways, since the breakup I've clearly been a HOT MESS and have been on zombie mode even at work. Today I picked out an outfit for tomorrow and Im going to get back on track with just the little things that make a HUGE difference. I did spend about an hour crying and crying but I feel better. NC is slowly helping and getting better. Apparition how is going today ?

 

 

Hi, kztar. How's it going?

 

I'm glad you're feeling a tad better and I'm also glad you're treating yourself with your outfits and going out. That's a good positive attitude you have. As for me I have been painting for a friend today -- she gave me a job of painting her house and I'm getting paid for it so it's been taking my mind off things during the day.

 

Hope you're well.

[kztar]

Dragged myself out of bed tho. Someone I know who had a breakdown has recommended going to see someone, some self help guru, who she swears down blind really helped her. Got an appointment in an hour ... Still haven't showered ... It's just so hard to get going.

 

I think this is 34 years of issues coming to a very painful head. Thank you all for talking to me. Please keep talking. Like I said I don't really have any friends. Just wish I could lift myself, I wish I could let go of her, but the truth is im very alone ... And have to go through all this alone. Makes it so much harder x

 

Im going to therapy today, thought it was yesterday but is actually today. Keep ups posted and let us know how this goes. I know what it feels like because TODAY was the first day since the breakup that I actually dressed up like MYSELF for work, and have been on the less depressed side.

[kztar]

Jase, I'm kind of worried about you, dude.

 

I think depression has consumed you and it sucks being in that position because I've been there and I know when you're in, YOU'RE IN. You can't see beyond the depression because everywhere you look it's dark, gloomy and you're alone. At least, that is what you think. You're not pathetic for venting how you feel and I am sure you probably view it as pathetic because you think it's a weakness but it isn't. You're on day what? Day 10-11 of NC? Look how far you've came. You've managed to get through the day even though you feel like absolute sh*t. And trust me, we all feel like sh*t. It's just that some people don't say it out loud or as much as others will. Everyone deals with it differently and everyone has different coping mechanisms.

 

I'm not afraid to say how I feel -- I am a grown ass man and have my cries during the day and sometimes at night. Sh*t, dude, I go to bed and hold the pillow my ex used to sleep her head on and it smells of her so I hold it close as though it was her body and I rest my face where I can smell the scent of her hair. We all have little things that make us "pathetic". I'm on day 8 of NC and I keep checking my phone hoping it rings, hoping it's her. And just like you I want to lay in my bed and sleep the whole day away, in fact, I want to sleep the whole year away and wake up to a time where I don't even remember feeling this way. We're all on the same boat, dude, it's just that some people are doing it differently than you will be.

 

If you want to stay in your bed -- cool, stay in your bed. Do whatever you have to do in order to get this moping around business out of your way and then get out of that bed and start living your life. You shouldn't feel guilty for living, you shouldn't worry if it will make your love for your ex disappear because it won't. It just means you're living your life with the love buried beneath a surface you HAD to put over it. We're all encouraging you for you to get out of your bed so you DON'T feel miserable 24/7 and make yourself crazy with constant thoughts of your ex and the break-up. Your mind needs to be on something else for at least a few minutes, dude. Your ex is still going to be there, but just in the back of your mind.

 

I don't want to give you false hope but everyone doesn't go through the same thing. Some people get back together with their ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend, ex husband, ex wife, whoever it may be. Some people divorce for years and get back together. Some people split up for a day, a month, several years and get back together. Some don't. Some find new partners and break-up again, some marry and divorce again, some meet someone else who they end up dying with. It's ALL DIFFERENT. So let's say your ex were to come back in a couple months and you're STILL in your bed or you're STILL miserable and not doing anything to help yourself. What good are you going to be to her? To any future women you want to love? They want to be able to rely on you, dude. So be strong, no if's or but's about it -- you have no choice in this but to be strong. YOU need to love YOU first of all before you let another woman try to love you. Your future wife, whether it is your ex-girlfriend, whether it is a new girlfriend, she wants YOU to be healthy, she NEEDS you to be capable of loving YOURSELF and being capable of loving yourself means taking care of yourself. All of that requires STRENGTH and strength is definitely a tool you have because you have came several days without contacting your ex.

 

It will be okay, Jase. But do something for yourself, dude, and for your future.

 

This is 100% accurate. Please GET UP from your bed and just do SOMETHING even if you start 5 minutes. Make it a goal. Make it 5 min then increase it to 10 for the next day. Something is something. Even 10 minutes that you move forward it's 10 minutes ahead.

[kztar]

Scientist, which day of NC are you on?

 

As I said to Jase in my previous post we're all on the same boat, otherwise we wouldn't be here. It is perfectly okay to love someone to the point it hurts -- it only hurts because they are not in our lives and they do not want us currently. Perhaps that feeling of loving them may never go away, perhaps we will always love them but one thing is for sure, the pain lessens and it becomes easier to function while still loving them.

 

It is okay you love your ex, it is okay you want them even though they may not want you. Not many people in this life will love that way and that kind of love is rare, so just be grateful YOU feel that and experience that. When your ex-boyfriend finds a girl who cheats on him, he'll think of you and remember how you loved him, when your ex-boyfriend finds a girl who lies to him, he'll think of you and how you loved him, when your ex-boyfriend finds a girl who treats him poorly, has jealousy issues, just anything that goes wrong or hurts them, they'll think of the person who loved them purely -- despite THEM treating you poorly and not wanting you in return. It is best to love a person as best as you can because in the end, it will be them who kick themselves and wonder why they didn't keep you. And one day you might find a person who loves you that way too, or you might even reconcile with an ex partner, who knows? Nobody does. Our futures are unknown and that's what scares us the most.

 

Hang in there.

 

Apparition is saying all the right words but this is certainly true. This kind of love is rare and believe me IT is REALLY hard to find in real life so the fact that you can provide this kid of love is already making you a special person in this world. The way you love is something no one can take away from you and I honestly believe that one way or another ONE day we will be rewarded. Hang in there we are all on the same boat.

[kztar]

Hi, kztar. How's it going?

 

I'm glad you're feeling a tad better and I'm also glad you're treating yourself with your outfits and going out. That's a good positive attitude you have. As for me I have been painting for a friend today -- she gave me a job of painting her house and I'm getting paid for it so it's been taking my mind off things during the day.

 

Hope you're well.

 

This is GREAT. Painting, keeping yourself distracted while making some cash. Slowly but I see we are making progress. Remember a week ago we were both in a Shi** mood?. Not that the mood is much better but it's better. it's some progress. Let's see how the weekend goes though because that is ANOTHER STORY. Although I planned activities. Im going to therapy in about an hour lets see how that goes. I've never been to any of this before but I will keep you posted. Let me know how your day goes

[Dis]

I am so sorry for wallowing in my own pain too. I know you all have you're own things going on. Im very selfish

 

Your not selfish Jase, your doing the right thing by posting and letting us know how your doing. Keep talking, keep venting. We're all here to support each other. Our own problems are what have lead us here. Keep us updated! :)

[Dis]

Hey guys

 

Hope NC is going well for you all, and hopefully some distance and time is helping you work through all that went wrong and your hope for the future.

 

I'm feeling particularly low today, I'm attempting to stay focused and positive, but I keep remembering the weight of what is being lost and it makes me sad. There can't be only one of us wanting this, or at least want to give it a shot, so I must let go, but I feel like a huge chunk of my heart is being pulled out, he is dear to me, but he is making me ill.

 

X

 

Its totally ok to have those down days hon. Everything your feeling and thinking is normal and its your minds way of processing and letting go. When we lose someone we love, we lose a big part of our lives. Let yourself grieve and let yourself cry. Just have hope, even if that hope is very dim, that things will be good again. In the mean time keep posting. We're all here for you

[Dis]

Quick update.

 

I was talking about leaving my job in prior comments and I actually was skeptical about it today so decided to see how my work day went before saying anything -- it was terrible. I was under pressure, boss was giving me a hard time and I finally had enough. I went into her office and told her I was done, I am leaving and not coming back. On my way home I could slowly feel this feeling of relief bursting into my body -- I decided to go to the store to buy myself a couple of beers and chill out for the night.

 

I invited three friends over, two of them is a mutual friend of my ex-girlfriend as well but they have been dear friends to me for the past two years. They are the only friends I would want to keep in contact with occasionally -- so I decided to invite them over to tell them I have quit my job and am going to move. I do not want anyone else to know and I am looking forward to getting out of this town. I knew if I did not leave my job today then I never would. So I'm proud of myself for taking that step.

 

On another note I miss my ex-girlfriend very much -- more than I care to say. I'm just praying this move gives me a better chapter than my previous ones.

 

Hi Apparition. Sounds like you made the right choice. I could tell you felt it in your gut that leaving was the right thing for you. Honestly if I lived in the same town an my ex and ran into all her friends (one of them sounded very rude) I would move too. This can be a fresh start for you, a clean slate. It is true that the "demographic cure" doesnt work in some cases, however, I think in your case its a much needed change.

 

I'm glad to hear you've been productive today painting your friends house. Sounds like your doing all the right things and being strong. My ex txted me last night, "I made a mistake. I was wrong." I'm not going to lie, it felt good to hear him say that but it doesnt change anything...and it hurt me at the same time. I sat on my kitchen floor and cried listening to sad songs. I didnt reply. I'm better off without him. I got a 97% on my A&P exam today

 

Keep posting hon, keep us updated. Youre doing great!

Edited March 4, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[Apparition]

This is GREAT. Painting, keeping yourself distracted while making some cash. Slowly but I see we are making progress. Remember a week ago we were both in a Shi** mood?. Not that the mood is much better but it's better. it's some progress. Let's see how the weekend goes though because that is ANOTHER STORY. Although I planned activities. Im going to therapy in about an hour lets see how that goes. I've never been to any of this before but I will keep you posted. Let me know how your day goes

 

The worse times are at night when I am going to bed. Like now it is 3:07 AM and I have not been able to sleep. I laid in my bed for a good hour or two before I finally got fed up with my thoughts and decided to log into here. I miss her terribly and cannot stop thinking of her. I'm trying not to get lost in these thoughts but It's difficult to see my way out of them once they pop into my head. Anyway, I am glad your mood is better -- how did your therapy go!? I hope it went well. Let us know all about it when you're ready. We're rooting for you.

[Dis]

Dear world,

 

I don't know. Those are the three words that haunt ME, the three words that start all my questions ... Start all my rants, start all my painful processes and darkest descents.

 

I don't know why I find life so hard and why i can't enjoy it alone

I don't know why I can only find peace with a loved one at my side.

I don't know why I can't find peace in other places.

I don't know why I can't see the beauty in this world, the light, the passion, the detail

I don't know why I need the things I find so hard to achieve.

I don't know why im so needy, so possessive, so in need of constant validation

I don't know why I can't be happy with the things I do have, my amazing children, who truly are wonderful.

I don't know how i can prevent my children from not having my curse and my awkwardness

I don't know why so alone, why I've never made friends.

I don't know why I've always been ok with that, why the only thing I've ever wanted is the one

I don't know how I can ever love again

I don't know how I can climb out of this pit when every time I try the soil comes apart in my hands and makes Me fall

I dont know why I can never find a hug when I truly need one

 

But most of all

I don't know how I can be happy alone

 

X

 

Hi Jase, I'm glad to see you channeling your feelings into writing. I think it would be a good idea for you to keep up with getting your thoughts out of you and onto paper. I know its only been alittle over a week of NC with your ex but I would like to ask you something hon..... If in 1 month (from the start of your original NC date) you do not start to get back on your feet, I think it would be wise to go see a licensed therapist. Someone who can offer you sound advice and guidance and if need be, refer you to a doctor.

 

Break ups are work sweetie. That means: You must work hard to get yourself out of bed and take care of yourself. This is not an easy thing to do but please try hon. We're all here for you, keep posting. I promise things will get better

[Dis]

The gym is definitely helping me a lot too. I stopped going after the break-up... but once I forced myself back in there I felt immediately better. Any type of exercise is fine really, as long as you do something. I'm trying not to underestimate it, but I used to be this very active person, you know? But you're right. We're healing and it's normal that certain things don't come as easily. So we should be proud of everything we accomplish

 

Yes, totally crazy! We immediately went to exclusivity. A few weeks in and she was already telling me how different I was from all the other girls she dated, that she never felt such a connection before, that I made her feel things she'd never experienced, that for the first time she could envision a future together, that she wanted to experience everything with me. She's 22, I'm 26. None of her relationships lasted very long, plus she usually doesn't stay single for more than a few weeks. I knew about all this before, but I believed her when she said it was different with me. In fact we had been friends for 3 years before this all started and we both felt this "something" since the day we met. This is also the reason why it's so hard for me to accept and to let go. Even when she broke up with me, she told me that for the first time she felt it might be a mistake, because she has feelings for me and isn't sure at all about her decision. She told me she thought we could get past this point, because I'm everything she could want from a woman. So I don't think she only loved the fantasy... I think she either loved the idea of being in love, or she just isn't able to go any further than the "butterfly stage". As for me... I love the person she was when we were together. But if there can never be a future, then her true self is not the person I love. And I have to accept that. I'm sorry about the long reply! It just feels good to know that there're people out there who understand. Most of my friends are in happy relationships and they don't really get the pain I'm going through. I've read your thread as well to get a better understanding of your story and I have to agree that your ex seems totally crazy! It's good that you found out about it so soon and now you can focus all your energy on healing from this experience. 6 weeks can feel like so much more, so don't worry about taking the time that you need.

 

Oh god, sounds like deja vu! I hear you hon. My ex asked me to be his gf on the second date and yup...he said all that stuff to me too. It was like he knew all the right things to say to me. I think your ex is too young to love the way you wanted her too. She also sounds like she has trouble commiting considering her dating history. I think you should try to remember, the things she said to you were based off her concept of love (which is not sustainable). I think your right, she loved the idea of being in love. And good for you recognizing that she obviously was not the person you thought she was....this is a painful realization, I know. But I think knowing that might help you heal. If I can point out something, just so you can keep it in mind for future reference....I think you overlooked a red flag, "None of her relationships lasted very long, plus she usually doesn't stay single for more than a few weeks." Next time someone has a dating history like that, or jumps into a relationship with you very quickly, reevalute things. (Dont worry I made the same mistake) I think relationships that start off so intensly and quickly, burn out just as fast as they start.

 

Doesnt it feel like you fell in love with a person that didnt exist??? That makes things so much more painful. Its like we've been fooled. And yes my ex was not well mentally. He txted me last night:

"I made a mistake. I was wrong."

I cried. It felt good to hear him say that but it hurt at the same time. But I still didnt reply. It doesnt change the fact that hes sick, the fact he discarded me. I'm moving on. Keep me posted hon! Sounds like your doing great! And your getting back into the gym, awesome job!!!

[Dis]

Im going to therapy today, thought it was yesterday but is actually today. Keep ups posted and let us know how this goes. I know what it feels like because TODAY was the first day since the breakup that I actually dressed up like MYSELF for work, and have been on the less depressed side.

 

Hi kztar. I'm so glad you went to see a therapist today. How did it go??? I need to go back to see mine. I like your new thread. Its a great topic. Dont be too hard on yourself. Overlooking red flags is a common thing to do. I've done it countless times. You mentioned you never thought that as an adult you'd be taking baby steps....I think we will never stop learning and growing until we're dead. When we were kids we had this notion that when we are grown ups we'll have our sh*t together and be married with kids, perfect career. Thats not reality. Everyone is messed up in their own way and normal is a cycle on the washing machine lol. Keep up the good work and keep us posted!

[mudbloodgirl14]

Hello there. I'm on my Day 15 of NC and to tell you the whole truth it is still so hard to endure. I still cry everyday. I'm making myself busy but still he's just can't get out of my head. It's so hard but since he left me no choice, I have to endure the pain of letting him go. I miss him every second but I have to stick with NC. I have to because it's for the best.

 

Sometimes, the best thing is the hardest thing to do.....

[Dis]

Hello there. I'm on my Day 15 of NC and to tell you the whole truth it is still so hard to endure. I still cry everyday. I'm making myself busy but still he's just can't get out of my head. It's so hard but since he left me no choice, I have to endure the pain of letting him go. I miss him every second but I have to stick with NC. I have to because it's for the best.

 

Sometimes, the best thing is the hardest thing to do.....

 

Hi mudbloodgirl14 I know the beginning of NC can be really though. I think your emotions are normal, allow yourself to feel them. Allow yourself to process the loss. We have to hurt in order to heal. Be paitent with yourself. Time heals. Keep posting!

[Dis]

This poem helped me process my previous breakup. I was with him for 2 and a half years. Poetry can validate our feelings. Writing poetry helps too

 

One Art

BY ELIZABETH BISHOP

The art of losing isn’t hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

 

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

 

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

 

I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn’t hard to master.

 

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.

 

—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident

the art of losing’s not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

[mudbloodgirl14]

Hi mudbloodgirl14 I know the beginning of NC can be really though. I think your emotions are normal, allow yourself to feel them. Allow yourself to process the loss. We have to hurt in order to heal. Be paitent with yourself. Time heals. Keep posting!

 

Hello Disillusionment373! Yeah it is so tough. Actually prior to this 15 days of NC, I broke my 10 Days NC..So yeah, and it really did make me back to square one and it makes me feel worse (though he is the one who first initiate the contact). Fortunately, I also told him that time that I want to move on and it is best for us to not contact each other for a while. He knew how much I love him and he's the one who broke up with me because he told me that he doesn't love me that much anymore. Well yeah, I guess that's life. It's hard..VERY HARD.. But I have no choice but to move on...

[Dis]

Hello Disillusionment373! Yeah it is so tough. Actually prior to this 15 days of NC, I broke my 10 Days NC..So yeah, and it really did make me back to square one and it makes me feel worse (though he is the one who first initiate the contact). Fortunately, I also told him that time that I want to move on and it is best for us to not contact each other for a while. He knew how much I love him and he's the one who broke up with me because he told me that he doesn't love me that much anymore. Well yeah, I guess that's life. It's hard..VERY HARD.. But I have no choice but to move on...

 

Oh wow...thats heartbreaking...he told you he doesnt love you that much anymore??? That mustve hurt terribly. Ive been told that by an ex before...I know those words cut like a knife. Good for you standing your ground by telling him you dont want any communication between the two of you. That mustve been hard to say considering you still love him. And yes, if you break NC you'll end up back at square one. Your love for him is like a drug....the only way to get off is to go cold turkey. Every day will get alittle easier. Please know that you deserve someone who loves you the way you love them, someone who wont stop loving you. You deserve better than this guy's half hearted love. For now focus on you and continue to heal

[mudbloodgirl14]

Oh wow...thats heartbreaking...he told you he doesnt love you that much anymore??? That mustve hurt terribly. Ive been told that by an ex before...I know those words cut like a knife. Good for you standing your ground by telling him you dont want any communication between the two of you. That mustve been hard to say considering you still love him. And yes, if you break NC you'll end up back at square one. Your love for him is like a drug....the only way to get off is to go cold turkey. Every day will get alittle easier. Please know that you deserve someone who loves you the way you love them, someone who wont stop loving you. You deserve better than this guy's half hearted love. For now focus on you and continue to heal

 

Yeah he did and it literally made my whole world stopped for just almost a week I lost so much weight and everyone noticed it.. I just stuck in my room thinking I'm going crazy. Luckily I have my family and real friends who are always there for me.. But still the pain doesn't go away until now...I feel like I'm still in shock and can't believe that everything is over now.. But I have no choice but to move on... Thank you!

[KS11]

Hi all,

 

Its been a long time since I logged by in on here. I used to be on here quite a bit. To make an exceptionally long story-short, the girl who all my past threads were about recently broke up with me...again.

 

From the time I last posted, we'd 'enjoyed' a good 18 months together, went away together on holidays, became a proper couple.

 

However, I wanted to post because im back NC again now (Day 12), as you all are and I just wanted to say that firstly, I know how excruciating it is to lose the person you love and not be able to reach out to them everyday.

 

Secondly, my particular case, before we had our good stretch, was punctuated with periods of NC, as she was never sure how she felt. It was during this periods that I always hoped she'd come back and she did! And i'll be honest - it felt amazing! Fast forward 2 years and the same pattern has repeated - she's left me again. Only this time, I have to deal with all these new memories, experiences (I ended up losing my virginty to her) etc etc.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, I, like some of you maybe are, hoped for the fairytale story when the reality is it rarely works like that.

 

Here are the things i'm struggling with at the moment:

 

- Accepting its over / believing she'll come back (she always has in the past)

- Accepting I deserve better

- Removing her of the pedestal that i've so clearly got her on

- Thoughts of never speaking/seeing or being her with every again / her with someone else

- Focusing on the reality and not the fantasy/projection I had of her/ the relationship

 

I think the fact that i've been through this hell before, I feel ever so slightly better equipped to deal with the raw emotions than I did previously. But a couple of things that i've found useful...

 

- The NC Rule - Audiobook by Natalie Lue - its like a full 7 hours of perpective and works wonders for when youre wide awake at 4am, crying your eyes out, about to break NC

- Getting Past Your Breakup - Susan Elliot - another really good book. One of the things in here she recommends is a 12 point list covering various aspects of your relationship - found it really helpful to gain some objectivity

 

I can totally relate to the pain and hurt all of you guys are feeling. And trust me, I may sound like im slightly in control in comparison to my posts of a few years ago, but of course im still completely devastated. Buts thats fine for now.

 

Anyway, Im sorry - I have a tendency to ramble once I get going. I just wanted to chuck my hat in the ring and tell you my experience. I remember coming on here and hoping Id read a story where the advice given was 'keep waiting for them', 'ex's do come back', 'you still have a chance to be with them' - and yes, that happened for me, but as ive said - rarely is it happy ever after

[jsdifjf]

Disillusionment373, wow, it must feel very weird to receive this sort of message after everything that has happened!! I imagine you were in shock! Even if you decided to move on, it's absolutely normal that you cried. Have you considered blocking his number? He might try to manipulate you further and this will get in the way of your healing process. I have to say that I admire your strength! It's not easy at all to keep up with no contact, let alone if the ex keeps on sending messages. He's not acting in a healthy way at all and it's easy to give in and let him fool you again. You can be really proud of yourself, because you're not letting this happen! My advice would be to really block all possible communication and keep focusing on yourself.

 

Thank you also for taking the time to reply and making me see everything more clearly. The thing is, I knew since the beginning it was a red flag. I felt it. Two years ago we talked about how we both knew that some day we'll end up together. However, I never thought it'd be so early. I was able to imagine us together in a couple of years. I wasn't in love with her at that point, I just somehow felt that one day I might be. It's difficult to explain. Anyhow, when things got started last year, I told myself "It's too soon. She isn't ready". But then she sucked me right in with all the things she said to me and I couldn't help it. Before I realised what happened she had me right where she needed me to be. All in. I guess even when there are second thoughts, it's hard to really listen to them, because we want to be different. We want to be that person whom they truly fall for. Unfortunately we only look for answers when it's over. Before this relationship, I didn't spend time on these forums, I didn't read through articles, I didn't talk to people about what it all meant, I didn't try to figure out where it might lead. And here I am a few months later and it's like awakening from a wonderful dream and realise there's nothing left. I read something the other day about how we should believe in the exception but not believe that we are the exception. I'll try to keep that in mind next time. And I definitely will look out for this too: " I think relationships that start off so intensly and quickly, burn out just as fast as they start." I think you're right. But once you're in the midst of it all, how do you stop and reevaluate things? It definitely seems like the right thing to do, but how do you actually get there? I'm asking because next time I don't want to end up where I'm now. But I also don't want to enter a relationship feeling insecure and suspicious about everything. I did act insecure this once when I felt she was pulling back. It was due to some other stuff going on in her life, but still I worried about us, because of her history and feeling this distance between us was scary. A few days after the breakup, I couldn't stop thinking back to this moment and blaming myself. But then again... real couples get over these kind of things and minor disagreements. Given her young age (not that I'm much older ), I also think it's hard to tell whether there's a pattern, whether she's emotionally immature, or whether she just hasn't found the right person yet. But from what she told me when we broke up, it seems that she does have a not sustainable concept of love (as you mentioned). She seems to want to have a relationship in which the intensity and passion never fade. Strong and powerful emotions all the way. And this is not very likely to happen.

 

Sooooo... Day 12 and I'm rethinking everything again. I'm not sure if that's very productive, but it did feel good to write this down. I'm looking forward to the weekend and to spend some time with my friends

 

How's everyone today? Plans for the weekend?

[jsdifjf]

Hi all,

 

Its been a long time since I logged by in on here. I used to be on here quite a bit. To make an exceptionally long story-short, the girl who all my past threads were about recently broke up with me...again.

 

I'm really sorry you have to go through all of this again. I can imagine it felt great to get back together with your ex (isn't that what most of us still hope for at this stage?) The important thing, I think, is that you don't have any regrets. When I started coming on this forum after the breakup, I was hoping to find the same advice you were hoping to get. I quickly realised this wasn't going to happen. Instead it proved to be a good source to understand the workings of a relationship better and, even more importantly, it helped me to understand that my focus should not be on getting my ex back, but on improving myself and on moving on. This said, I still believe that there are certain situations in which it is possible to get back together. When both people have reevaluated the relationship and want to give it another try for the right reasons, I don't see why it should be avoided at all costs. (Of course this doesn't apply to unhealthy relationships and when you know your ex is not good for you). If you decided not to try for the sake of moving on, even though you wanted to and knew the other person wanted to, wouldn't you regret it later? Maybe not trying is worse than going through all the heartbreak again. You didn't give up and that's a very brave thing to do. The new experiences (good and bad) you had with her will stay in your memory.

 

Now that you know it isn't working though, you can finally focus on healing without second thoughts. You did everything you could. Now do everything you can for yourself and only for yourself. You do seem to have made progress since the last time it happened to you. You're now in a better place to move on with your life. I'm with you on day 12! Keep posting here and maybe it'll be easier for all of us. And thank you for your advice on things to read! I'll check it out

[kztar]

Hi everyone,

 

Update. I went to therapy yesterday and it all seemed to be okay. The therapist said oh wow you're doing pretty good. She said um sure you will be over this in a few months. However when I got home at night, I cried for 2 hours and I basically cried myself to sleep. SMH. I just didnt even know how to feel. This is an awful feeling.

 

KS11 that really sucks. How long was it before she came back to you?. I honestly wanted my ex back at first but repetition of the same situation is too scary. So i rather just take a pass on that one.

 

mudbloodgirl14 I feel your pain. After 1.5 years my ex told me "Im just not in love with you anymore" this is constantly a stab that I keep feeling over and over again. I think that any other reason would of made me feel atleast better but this hits you HARD. So i know your pain. Believe it or not it's best to move on and forget these people.

 

jsdifjf weekend plans are seriously to get a good night sleep and enjoy my time alone. I actually like spending time on my own. But I do have some activities planned.

 

How is everyone else doing?