No contact -- how to keep that up?

[Harvey84]

My gf broke up with me 2 months ago and for the first few weeks I made the mistake of texting her and telling her I loved her etc. Even told her I've been going to therapy and she has ignored me every time. I haven't tried again since so it will be 6 weeks NC.

It hurts so bad when I think back on everything. She always said to me I was the love of her life and would always be there for me. Think the worse thing is that I know how much I'm hurting still and I can't help it, but I feel like she's probably moved on by now and happy. The question still going round in my head is how can someone cut you from there life like that after 2 years together and not feel anything? I was going to propose to her on our 2nd year anniversary in April this year too.

Sorry for the vent but I got a strong urged today to contact her today so thought I'd post here instead.

[Nivy]

Hey Apparition and Jasejasejase.......since both of you have read my threads till now I thought of sharing this with you. Its sort of an update.

While browsing my social networking site I discovered one thing. He has my password and I found that everyday since we broke up he has logged in to my account daily. I don't know what to make out of this but it gave me a feeling that he hasn't yet forgotten about me. And this kinda made me happy and I don't know why has suddenly given me the strength to continue NC. Its like......I have stopped checking his profile, I don't check my messages hoping he would reply.....but the moment I log into my account, the first thing I check is whether he logged in too or not and I find him daily logging into my account....! I dunno what to think of this. What do you guys think? Why is he doing this?

[Jasejasejase]

Hey Apparition and Jasejasejase.......since both of you have read my threads till now I thought of sharing this with you. Its sort of an update.

While browsing my social networking site I discovered one thing. He has my password and I found that everyday since we broke up he has logged in to my account daily. I don't know what to make out of this but it gave me a feeling that he hasn't yet forgotten about me. And this kinda made me happy and I don't know why has suddenly given me the strength to continue NC. Its like......I have stopped checking his profile, I don't check my messages hoping he would reply.....but the moment I log into my account, the first thing I check is whether he logged in too or not and I find him daily logging into my account....! I dunno what to think of this. What do you guys think? Why is he doing this?

 

Hi nivy. The honest answer is there's no obvious reason he's doing this. I think though it wise not to take too much hope from this. I can see why you would, I probably would too ... But it just sounds like he's being a little possessive even though strictly speaking you're no longer his to worry about. I know its tempting to sed hope here, but I think his other actions speak louder.

 

I think you need to move on and accept this is over

[Jasejasejase]

Apparition ... Sorry to hear about your bad night. Hope you've had a better day.

 

I haven't. Im the same as others on here ... In that it seems to be getting worse day by day. I hate hate hate that right now the only person who could put a smile on my face is her. The only person who can drag me out of this is her. And that will never happen ... Will truly never happen ... But it's all I want. I just hurt so much.

 

God ... I don't Even feel like getting better as the workd out there is without her. I can't ever see loving someone as much as her.

[Jasejasejase]

Have to say, just dropped my daughters off and have got home and really, really broken down. Can't stop crying. I am just so lost without Her. Yes, Ive been tempted to email her but I just can't. I just can't cant cant! But my mind plays tricks on ME, ignores the evidence, wondering whether she's missing me ... Also struggling with no contact. I know deep down she isn't ... She's moved on ... But in moments like this I feel weak.

 

I just can't get her out of my mind. Such a mess

[Harvey84]

That's exactly how I feel Jasejasejase, I'm so tempted to contact me ex just now. I know she won't reply and it will just make things worse. It really does hurt.

[kztar]

Jase, I feel the exact same way, I'm sure we all do and when you feel this way it is important to keep yourself busy so you do not get sucked back into your depression and stay in bed all day. It is positive progress you managed to get out of bed in the morning -- keep at it. Also, which day of NC are you on now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KS11, I am very sorry for how you feel and you've been here before so you know there is a possibility of her coming back or even being friends one day but right now you need to remember you got through days, weeks, months of NC and you were able to live without your ex even if you felt miserable. It won't last forever and you know that so do things to help yourself and improve the person you are.

 

Stay strong.

 

 

 

 

 

kztar, at least there is only two days during the weekend. : D

I am sure your ex does care for you, when you spend time together with someone for a period of time and you get to know them, your feelings can't just switch off. Especially a feeling such as care. Which day of NC are you on?

 

I dont even know, trying to not keep count. Like day 14 or 15. I just want to take up next year already.

[Apparition]

This is a quick update as I have not read the other posts yet and I won't be able to for the following reason:

 

 

Today is Mothers day and I saw my ex-girlfriend. Yes, I saw her. I was taking my Mother for her shopping but she was not feeling well so she stayed in the car while I went out and picked up her items from her list. When I first entered the store I picked up a basket and just when I looked up towards the store, I saw my ex-girlfriend there standing looking at me. When our eyes met -- she looked like she saw a ghost and stared at me for a split second before turning her head away.

 

My heart sank and I walked towards the frozen section out of her view. I was in complete shock, didn't know what to do. I stared at the entrance door I came in for a second and then between the shelves I looked over at the queue and saw my ex put her things back onto the shelf while looking towards where I disappeared from, then she went out of the store. I bought my items and left, got in the car and came to a stop at a set of traffic lights. While I was waiting there, I saw my ex in her car driving on the opposite side of the road going towards the same store again. My Mother pointed at the car and said, "look, there is -ex's name-. I spoke to her while you were in the store, she forgot her purse so she must be going back again, poor lass". My ex told my Mother she forgot her purse at the store but yet when I saw her in the queue, she was holding her basket in one hand and her purse in the other hand with a twenty note between her thumb and her purse. So that was a lie she forgot it.

 

This has really shook me up. It's also really hurt me. I've been sitting here analyzing the situation for hours. Why did she run out of the store in such a rush? She was in the queue already, third in the queue so it wasn't long before she had to pay for her things then she could leave. She looked like crap, had bags under her eyes, her hair was a mess, she had no make-up on and her eyes were pretty puffy and red, looked like she had been crying.

 

This has really put me back into depression from the first day of NC. Don't know what to think anymore.

[Dis]

Disillusionment373, wow, it must feel very weird to receive this sort of message after everything that has happened!! I imagine you were in shock! Even if you decided to move on, it's absolutely normal that you cried. Have you considered blocking his number? He might try to manipulate you further and this will get in the way of your healing process. I have to say that I admire your strength! It's not easy at all to keep up with no contact, let alone if the ex keeps on sending messages. He's not acting in a healthy way at all and it's easy to give in and let him fool you again. You can be really proud of yourself, because you're not letting this happen! My advice would be to really block all possible communication and keep focusing on yourself.

 

Thank you also for taking the time to reply and making me see everything more clearly. The thing is, I knew since the beginning it was a red flag. I felt it. Two years ago we talked about how we both knew that some day we'll end up together. However, I never thought it'd be so early. I was able to imagine us together in a couple of years. I wasn't in love with her at that point, I just somehow felt that one day I might be. It's difficult to explain. Anyhow, when things got started last year, I told myself "It's too soon. She isn't ready". But then she sucked me right in with all the things she said to me and I couldn't help it. Before I realised what happened she had me right where she needed me to be. All in. I guess even when there are second thoughts, it's hard to really listen to them, because we want to be different. We want to be that person whom they truly fall for. Unfortunately we only look for answers when it's over. Before this relationship, I didn't spend time on these forums, I didn't read through articles, I didn't talk to people about what it all meant, I didn't try to figure out where it might lead. And here I am a few months later and it's like awakening from a wonderful dream and realise there's nothing left. I read something the other day about how we should believe in the exception but not believe that we are the exception. I'll try to keep that in mind next time. And I definitely will look out for this too: " I think relationships that start off so intensly and quickly, burn out just as fast as they start." I think you're right. But once you're in the midst of it all, how do you stop and reevaluate things? It definitely seems like the right thing to do, but how do you actually get there? I'm asking because next time I don't want to end up where I'm now. But I also don't want to enter a relationship feeling insecure and suspicious about everything. I did act insecure this once when I felt she was pulling back. It was due to some other stuff going on in her life, but still I worried about us, because of her history and feeling this distance between us was scary. A few days after the breakup, I couldn't stop thinking back to this moment and blaming myself. But then again... real couples get over these kind of things and minor disagreements. Given her young age (not that I'm much older ), I also think it's hard to tell whether there's a pattern, whether she's emotionally immature, or whether she just hasn't found the right person yet. But from what she told me when we broke up, it seems that she does have a not sustainable concept of love (as you mentioned). She seems to want to have a relationship in which the intensity and passion never fade. Strong and powerful emotions all the way. And this is not very likely to happen.

 

Sooooo... Day 12 and I'm rethinking everything again. I'm not sure if that's very productive, but it did feel good to write this down. I'm looking forward to the weekend and to spend some time with my friends

 

How's everyone today? Plans for the weekend?

 

Hi jsdifjf!! Yes, I tried to block his number but my phone carrier doesnt offer that option. I was shocked at that. I was supposed to get a new phone with a new carrier this weekend but I had an unexpected bill to pay (my cat scratched my rabbit in the eye, the vets charged me $150!!!) So there goes that idea. He hasnt txted me since then, I'm kinda disapointed by that (I know thats not a good thing). I wouldnt reply I just wanted him to beg some more. I think by not repsonding to him the last night I wounded his ego so he retreated. Thank you for your kind words, honestly I have to cut him out of my life, I have to protect myself from his sick games. Never talking to him again is the only way to do that. I've been going to the gym, out with friends. Like you said, focusing on me. I'm doing just fine.

 

Onto your situtation....I know what you mean about getting sucked in. Its like that person says everything youve ever wanted to hear, you start spending tons of time with them, your in constant contact with them...you feel amazing and your head is spinning (in a good way). And you dont catch the red flags because your so absorbed by that persons affirmations, their "love" for you, how amazing you feel when your around them, day dreaming about them when your not around them....you cant see straight.

 

That intensity is the problem.

 

That intensity is what prevents us from seeing reality, seeing that person for who they really are, seeing the relationship for what it really is. Dont get me wrong, when you fall in love its normal to be swept up, howeverrrrr, we need to set bounderies at the same time. You overlooked those red flags because you were caught up in her ( I did the same thing). Instead of having constant contact and being with the person all the time we need to take things slowly and have time to ourselves. I was with my ex 4 days a week. He called me 5 times a day. Txted me non-stop. I didnt have time to realize there were red flags. How to fix this....

 

Limit the time you spend with the person and limit your communication with them. Your days and nights should not revolve around your new partner (Mine did). If you agree to see your new partner once or twice a week, thats a good start. And spending hours on the phone everynight, not healthy either. (I did it too). By giving ourselves space, away from them. Our minds are clear. And if you do see a red flag in the future...you take a step back. Take time to yourself. (Taking that time is perfectly healthy and a healthy person will respect that). When you take time to yourself, you can think clearly and really ask yourself, "Is that red flag a problem or not?"

 

"We want to be that person whom they truly fall for." Yes I used to think this way too. (I'm slowly starting to break out of it) I have a problem with codependacy, so I would ask myself, "Does this person like me?" "How can I be the one they fall for?" Instead we should be asking ourselves, "Do I like this person?" "Is this person right for me?" "Is this person capable of having the type of relationship I want?" If you had asked yourself those questions, and had been honest with youself, you might have caught those red flags and walked away before you got hurt. (Dont worry I made the same mistake) Just because someone likes us, doesnt mean we should like them. There are tons of people who are not right for us, if we can see that before we get into a relationship we'll save ourselves alot of time and pain.

 

"But then again... real couples get over these kind of things and minor disagreements." Yes real, healthy couples who are commited to each other, communicate and resolve disagreements. When my ex and I would fight (I rarely had the courage to get mad at him because of his temper, so that one time) he didnt possess the skills needed to resolve a dispute. It seems like your ex is either too young, or has issues that prevent her from staying with a single partner despite some minor conflict. RED FLAG. (Step away...reevaluate).

 

I dont think your ex is capable of finding the right one...yet. I dont think my ex is either, and I dont think he ever will be because of his issues. I think your ex is addicted to the rush and thrill of new relationships, like I said thats not a sustainable type of love. Next time you get into a relationship (you dont have to think of this now, let yourself heal first) take things slow. Real, deep, sustainable love is intended to develop slowly overtime. Next time you meet someone who seems like your soul mate right from the get go...red flag. (Step away...reevalute)

 

Sorry for the long reply, I just wanted to share what I've learned with you. I hope this helps and I know you want answers as to why your ex did what she did.... but.... the most powerful answers you can get are going to come from within you

[Dis]

This is a quick update as I have not read the other posts yet and I won't be able to for the following reason:

 

 

Today is Mothers day and I saw my ex-girlfriend. Yes, I saw her. I was taking my Mother for her shopping but she was not feeling well so she stayed in the car while I went out and picked up her items from her list. When I first entered the store I picked up a basket and just when I looked up towards the store, I saw my ex-girlfriend there standing looking at me. When our eyes met -- she looked like she saw a ghost and stared at me for a split second before turning her head away.

 

My heart sank and I walked towards the frozen section out of her view. I was in complete shock, didn't know what to do. I stared at the entrance door I came in for a second and then between the shelves I looked over at the queue and saw my ex put her things back onto the shelf while looking towards where I disappeared from, then she went out of the store. I bought my items and left, got in the car and came to a stop at a set of traffic lights. While I was waiting there, I saw my ex in her car driving on the opposite side of the road going towards the same store again. My Mother pointed at the car and said, "look, there is -ex's name-. I spoke to her while you were in the store, she forgot her purse so she must be going back again, poor lass". My ex told my Mother she forgot her purse at the store but yet when I saw her in the queue, she was holding her basket in one hand and her purse in the other hand with a twenty note between her thumb and her purse. So that was a lie she forgot it.

 

This has really shook me up. It's also really hurt me. I've been sitting here analyzing the situation for hours. Why did she run out of the store in such a rush? She was in the queue already, third in the queue so it wasn't long before she had to pay for her things then she could leave. She looked like crap, had bags under her eyes, her hair was a mess, she had no make-up on and her eyes were pretty puffy and red, looked like she had been crying.

 

This has really put me back into depression from the first day of NC. Don't know what to think anymore.

 

Oh I'm so sorry Apparation! Just reading your post, I could feel the emotions. That must have been so difficult. I think your ex is really hurting. Putting myself in her place, the only reason why I'd walk out of a store immediately after my ex walked in, would be because I still loved him, and because of that, it just hurt way too much to be in the same place as him. I think she's trying to let go of you. She saw you, her heart dropped, she left. I might be tempted to reach out to her if I were you, maybe a part of you wants to comfort her. But do try to allow her to let you go, in doing so you can let her go. She wants to let go, she walked out of the store. You want to let go too. Letting go of someone we love and cared for for years is such a painful tedious process. Let her continue her process so you can continue yours. Any contact between the two of you will just reopen the wound. I know it feels like your back at square one, but this wasnt your fault. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Continue to do what youve been doing, take care of yourself, stay busy, keep letting her go. Do you have an idea of when youre moving? Hopefully its sooner than later. You need a clean slate. In the meantime be patient and kind to yourself

[ff12343]

Apparition,

 

You have to disappear from the face of the earth from ANYONE who is related to that girl. Your whatsapp friends, this bitch who blocked you who ''was'' your friend. I know all about fake friends. Had one for 10 years who betrayed me over a girl he knew for a week. I know about running into these people at stores too.

 

Seriously, DISAPPEAR from everyone. Work on yourself. Eat better, work out, work on your career. Be the better version of you so in the future you can look back and be like "wow I'm impressed how far I've come on my own".

 

I can't stress enough how toxic some people can be. People need to wonder about you. But in reality, you are fine and are doing better. Notice how you wondered and reached out? Well how come it wasn't vice versa?

 

Motivate yourself. You can do it sir.

 

Become someone.

Edited March 7, 2016 by ff12343

[Zapbasket]

Hey Apparition,

 

That's so rough--both the store sighting and the discovery about your mutual "friend."

 

Well, so now you know that that friend is no friend of yours. Frankly she sounds like a dip with all that "lol" crap in what was a serious interaction. Insensitive, flip, dumb. She's probably just as trite with your ex as she was with you. I think also that this is an indication it's best for you to cut off all mutual friends for now. If there ever was anything there as a friendship, sometime down the line when you're healed you can revisit those relationships. But for now, let them go. If you feel harsh doing so, send a brief note to the ones you had the most rapport with, saying you need time away to heal; you hope they'll understand, but given the circumstances you feel it's best this way; etc.

 

I think one of the hardest things about hard times is that often we find out in a rather painful way that people we associated with, people we called friends, really aren't positive presences in our lives. It sucks to have to find out at a time when you could most use support, but look at it as an opportunity to be your own best support by heeding the truth as it unfolds and letting those people go. It enables you to circle your wagons a little tighter so that you can nurture the quality relationships you have. Sometimes it helps me, when I feel hurt, to get a little perverse: when people reveal to you that they are poo, squeeze them out, wipe, flush, and enjoy the lightness that comes from a good bowel movement, because extricating negative, unsupportive people from your life is akin to just that, and is just as good for you.

 

With regards to your ex, musing on why she looked so downtrodden in the store is a dangerous rabbit hole. You know she can't be having a good time, not only because she lost you, but also because of the traumatic time she had that contributed to your breakup. I'd imagine she's probably going through a terrible time overall, and has a long road ahead of her to feeling right again. The thing is, when one person in a couple is having problems, they can choose to lean on their partner for support, or they can pull away. For better or worse, she pulled away, and in so doing unfortunately implicated you in the consequences of that decision. She will face consequences, too, no doubt, but she made her decision and you have no choice but to strive to accept it. I know it's hard. I'd say you can feel empathy for her from afar, in absentia, but I'm more in favor of you indulging your anger. You loved her and she threw you away! She threw your whole relationship away! It could have been something, it was something, and she destroyed it all! You NEED to feel anger because that will be the propulsion into your healing process.

 

Hang in there. This WILL pass, whether you move from there or not. Can you change where you shop / eat / the direction you drive for a little while, to minimize the likelihood of another encounter?

 

I like what ff12343 said.

[TheScientist]

Seriously, DISAPPEAR from everyone. Work on yourself. Eat better, work out, work on your career. Be the better version of you so in the future you can look back and be like "wow I'm impressed how far I've come on my own".

 

Motivate yourself. You can do it sir.

 

 

This.

 

Remind yourself of who you were before, re-love the things you enjoyed doing, the things you would seek enjoyment in just for you, and that's why NC is the best thing you can do, you can't recover from loss if you're not actually feeling it. I have learnt that, the hard way.

 

I am day five no contact

 

**Bit of background about my situation. My ex has Intimacy issues, which then lead to commitment issues, but although the actions/results are the same as a commitment phobe, it's a little more deep-seated.

 

After splitting up, he made a massive effort to keep me as a friend, pleading to not lose me, and then saying he needed me in his life but as a girlfriend I will always be a threat in his eyes. He has made me promise to not hurt him, which basically means leaving him/rejecting him. He is very controlling.

 

As a friend he opened up to me, ABOUT EVERYTHING, about things in his past, things he never recovered from after his father died (both our fathers died when we were 8-10) so so much, including finally how much he cares for me, not that it could possibly matter now. He insisted when we ended that he didn't even want to date anyone, even though he has been on several dates with girls since we ended and moans about why they can't be like me. Which of course messes with my head.

 

I can't do it anymore, I have started therapy to deal with my codependency issues, and of course the internal side effects of no contact. He attends my events on the weekend which of course means I am low contact, and as he and his friends are technically clients I can't ignore him completely, but I can keep things limited and professional only. **

 

After declaring things were getting easier yesterday I ended up spending the majority of the day and night in bed crying. Feeling anxious and sad. I know this is for the best but I feel very sad about it. We split up six weeks ago and I don't think I truly had enough space to accept it or heal.

 

Today I feel less emotional but very numb. Part of me hopes he messages today, the other part that knows this is the only way hopes he doesn't. I need time.

Edited March 7, 2016 by TheScientist

[Apparition]

I am the biggest moron there is.

 

*DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT*

 

 

First off I'd like to thank everyone for your replies and kind words, your support is greatly appreciated and honestly, you guys are better support than my own "friends". So thank you very much.

 

Secondly, I am writing this out now because I did something terribly stupid, more than stupid. I did the ultimate worst thing I could ever do and I broke NC. Here is what happened;

 

After the whole store experience I was feeling rather down and analyzing the situation. I was trying to fight the urge to contact her, I went downstairs to make some dinner and when I was finished I noticed my phone was buzzing a lot from upstairs. I thought something was wrong with my Mother, so I quickly went upstairs to check my phone and it was silly Whatsapp group notifications. My "friends" re-added me to the group conversation to ask me if we could all hang out. I was reading the texts, scrolled down to text that I wasn't in the mood to hangout and as soon as I sent the message, my ex's name popped up in the group chat. She wrote out two sentences (not saying a word to me or acknowledging I am there) before saying, "Well, alright. Have a good day, ciao!". She left the group conversation and I breathed a sigh of relief. I was glad she was gone because seeing her there made my heart feel like it was sinking into it's own grave.

 

After half an hour she was re-added back to the group. She was implying she was having a bad day and a long week to one of her friends. I felt sorry for her in that moment and something in my head said, "do it, just message her". So I did. I messaged her in a separate window to talk to her alone. I said, "Glad to see you I was worried about you". She read my message, but did not reply and was still talking in the group chat. So my idiotic self decided to say, "Ouch. Being ignored, well it's good to see you could be civil". She responded to that with, "Stop. I am not here for you I have no desire to talk to you. You're not my friend nor will we ever be friends, you're intent on being a brick" (should be a P not a b but I am having my comments moderated so did not want to cuss and I'm trying to show the whole picture here).

 

This made me incredibly angry, I replied to her saying, "Wow, it's been two weeks and you're STILL mad over something I never did." -- Needless to say, we argued. She left the group chat when I said that and the thing that hurt me the most is when near the end of the argument , she got REALLY nasty in a way I have never seen her before. She was cussing at me, calling me selfish, a bully, a creep, a psycho, a manipulative weirdo. I responded by saying, "Wow, you really are a nasty piece of work. All I will say is both of us are to blame for how our relationship ended, I refuse to take all of the blame because you had a part in it too. Things could have been different, but you chose to end it. That is not my fault. Nor does it make me a bully, selfish, all of the things you called me. Just do one thing, please in future, do not do this to another guy who tries to love you because it hurts and it messes with peoples heads."

 

This..."If I move on he will be NOTHING like you, he will be better than you."

 

Her response....not only did it hurt but it gave me the anger I needed to bury my feelings for her under a pile of resentment, dislike, betrayal and so on. I simply said this to her, "good luck finding him" and she started using caps lock to say how hard she has it and how I am a bully blahblah. I did not respond after that. It was enough for me to say, no, I do not deserve this. I deserve better than this. I just feel so stupid for breaking NC and now I am at square one again but this time I am more angry than hurt. I hope the anger stays until the pain underneath it disappears.

 

I also want to add this;

 

My ex is 37 going on 38 this year. She is reaching for her 40's and I am 27 years old. I've been with her for a total of five years and age was never a problem but looking back on things now I realize that no one could ever love my ex the way I did because I accepted her for who she is, not what I wanted her to be. She could not have children and I was completely fine with that, I loved her for who she is and it never bothered me. She has never been married, she has always been more focused on her career which is now falling apart because she no longer wants that career. She takes care of both of her ill parents who rely on her 24/7. I supported her through all of that.

 

She had ex-boyfriends who beat her, abused her, cheated on her, one that stalked her and wanted to literally kill her. Her ex before me wrote her a letter when they were together because he wanted to watch her with another man in bed. All of these things I have NEVER done. I treated her really good during our relationship, I was there for her, I supported her, I accepted her for who she is and loved her for it. That is HER loss, entirely her loss.

 

She will most likely love again, but she certainly won't be loved back in the way I loved her. HER loss. Yes, I broke NC but I learned something from it. I learned I deserve better and she wasn't as special as I thought she was. She was just another ex-girlfriend who hurt me and decided to end our relationship. So don't do it, guys, don't break no contact. If they are pleading, begging, asking for you back, good. Let them sweat it out and if they really care, they'll make the effort to get you back.

[kztar]

Beautiful post Apparition. Inspiring actually. I think im in day 17 today or something like that. Struggling. Some days I feel strong but sometimes I feel like it's getting worse

[Apparition]

Hi, everyone.

 

Little quick update here. My ex texted me again to tell me, "I will be open to a new relationship one day and he will be better than you. I will love again" -- blahblah.

 

I decided that was it. No response from me. I deleted her number, deleted our photos together, deleted her voice messages, deleted everything related to her. I do not want anything to do with her again and this has put the topping on the cake for me.

 

I am sorry you all are suffering but we can get through this. I know you think your ex is special and you wanted their love and only them but honestly? You deserve to be treated with respect and deserve to be loved by someone who will accept you for who you are, not someone who will walk away from you and leave you hanging, someone who will easily and most likely leave you again in the future if you ever got back together. Don't settle for less than you deserve. There will be someone out there who will love you for you, trust me. They will be better looking than your ex, have a better personality than your ex, and most of all they will LOVE you better than your ex ever could try.

 

Stay strong.

[TheScientist]

I'm so looking forward not carrying this feeling. Not checking my phone, well without reminding myself not to, and to be on NC day number ### without even knowing.

 

It all hurts now.

 

Day six in a few hours

[Apparition]

Hey Apparition,

 

That's so rough--both the store sighting and the discovery about your mutual "friend."

 

Well, so now you know that that friend is no friend of yours. Frankly she sounds like a dip with all that "lol" crap in what was a serious interaction. Insensitive, flip, dumb. She's probably just as trite with your ex as she was with you. I think also that this is an indication it's best for you to cut off all mutual friends for now. If there ever was anything there as a friendship, sometime down the line when you're healed you can revisit those relationships. But for now, let them go. If you feel harsh doing so, send a brief note to the ones you had the most rapport with, saying you need time away to heal; you hope they'll understand, but given the circumstances you feel it's best this way; etc.

 

I think one of the hardest things about hard times is that often we find out in a rather painful way that people we associated with, people we called friends, really aren't positive presences in our lives. It sucks to have to find out at a time when you could most use support, but look at it as an opportunity to be your own best support by heeding the truth as it unfolds and letting those people go. It enables you to circle your wagons a little tighter so that you can nurture the quality relationships you have. Sometimes it helps me, when I feel hurt, to get a little perverse: when people reveal to you that they are poo, squeeze them out, wipe, flush, and enjoy the lightness that comes from a good bowel movement, because extricating negative, unsupportive people from your life is akin to just that, and is just as good for you.

 

With regards to your ex, musing on why she looked so downtrodden in the store is a dangerous rabbit hole. You know she can't be having a good time, not only because she lost you, but also because of the traumatic time she had that contributed to your breakup. I'd imagine she's probably going through a terrible time overall, and has a long road ahead of her to feeling right again. The thing is, when one person in a couple is having problems, they can choose to lean on their partner for support, or they can pull away. For better or worse, she pulled away, and in so doing unfortunately implicated you in the consequences of that decision. She will face consequences, too, no doubt, but she made her decision and you have no choice but to strive to accept it. I know it's hard. I'd say you can feel empathy for her from afar, in absentia, but I'm more in favor of you indulging your anger. You loved her and she threw you away! She threw your whole relationship away! It could have been something, it was something, and she destroyed it all! You NEED to feel anger because that will be the propulsion into your healing process.

 

Hang in there. This WILL pass, whether you move from there or not. Can you change where you shop / eat / the direction you drive for a little while, to minimize the likelihood of another encounter?

 

I like what ff12343 said.

 

 

 

I am changing EVERYTHING about my life starting today, GC.

 

 

I will no longer be part of it. I will not be contacting her friends, I deleted all of their numbers and hers, too. I've deleted everything about her. Removed anything that will remind me of her. I no longer are to analyze the situation or wonder what she is doing, if she misses me or not. I refuse to reflect on the past and go over what happened. I dislike the person she made me become after dumping me, so I refuse to be that man. I'll be the man everyone enjoyed and not for their sake, for my own. I'll go back to enjoying being single and what I mean by that is I won't withhold from flirting, being open to affection from others and one day finding a real woman who loves me for me.

 

I am still angry, hurt, bitter and so many negative feelings are stirring inside me, but what I am not is someone who deserves to be punished, treated like a fool who has no emotion. I am a human being, that is what I am.

[kztar]

Apparition, way to go. I think that eventually we will all reach that point where enough is ENOUGH. We are humans, who deserve respect and one way or the other these EX's have not given us that. Keep up the good work. Keep posting and lets keep moving forward. EVERYONE. I hope that one year from now we all visit this thread and share our progress.

[Dis]

I am the biggest moron there is.

 

*DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT*

 

 

First off I'd like to thank everyone for your replies and kind words, your support is greatly appreciated and honestly, you guys are better support than my own "friends". So thank you very much.

 

Secondly, I am writing this out now because I did something terribly stupid, more than stupid. I did the ultimate worst thing I could ever do and I broke NC. Here is what happened;

 

After the whole store experience I was feeling rather down and analyzing the situation. I was trying to fight the urge to contact her, I went downstairs to make some dinner and when I was finished I noticed my phone was buzzing a lot from upstairs. I thought something was wrong with my Mother, so I quickly went upstairs to check my phone and it was silly Whatsapp group notifications. My "friends" re-added me to the group conversation to ask me if we could all hang out. I was reading the texts, scrolled down to text that I wasn't in the mood to hangout and as soon as I sent the message, my ex's name popped up in the group chat. She wrote out two sentences (not saying a word to me or acknowledging I am there) before saying, "Well, alright. Have a good day, ciao!". She left the group conversation and I breathed a sigh of relief. I was glad she was gone because seeing her there made my heart feel like it was sinking into it's own grave.

 

After half an hour she was re-added back to the group. She was implying she was having a bad day and a long week to one of her friends. I felt sorry for her in that moment and something in my head said, "do it, just message her". So I did. I messaged her in a separate window to talk to her alone. I said, "Glad to see you I was worried about you". She read my message, but did not reply and was still talking in the group chat. So my idiotic self decided to say, "Ouch. Being ignored, well it's good to see you could be civil". She responded to that with, "Stop. I am not here for you I have no desire to talk to you. You're not my friend nor will we ever be friends, you're intent on being a brick" (should be a P not a b but I am having my comments moderated so did not want to cuss and I'm trying to show the whole picture here).

 

This made me incredibly angry, I replied to her saying, "Wow, it's been two weeks and you're STILL mad over something I never did." -- Needless to say, we argued. She left the group chat when I said that and the thing that hurt me the most is when near the end of the argument , she got REALLY nasty in a way I have never seen her before. She was cussing at me, calling me selfish, a bully, a creep, a psycho, a manipulative weirdo. I responded by saying, "Wow, you really are a nasty piece of work. All I will say is both of us are to blame for how our relationship ended, I refuse to take all of the blame because you had a part in it too. Things could have been different, but you chose to end it. That is not my fault. Nor does it make me a bully, selfish, all of the things you called me. Just do one thing, please in future, do not do this to another guy who tries to love you because it hurts and it messes with peoples heads."

 

This..."If I move on he will be NOTHING like you, he will be better than you."

 

Her response....not only did it hurt but it gave me the anger I needed to bury my feelings for her under a pile of resentment, dislike, betrayal and so on. I simply said this to her, "good luck finding him" and she started using caps lock to say how hard she has it and how I am a bully blahblah. I did not respond after that. It was enough for me to say, no, I do not deserve this. I deserve better than this. I just feel so stupid for breaking NC and now I am at square one again but this time I am more angry than hurt. I hope the anger stays until the pain underneath it disappears.

 

I also want to add this;

 

My ex is 37 going on 38 this year. She is reaching for her 40's and I am 27 years old. I've been with her for a total of five years and age was never a problem but looking back on things now I realize that no one could ever love my ex the way I did because I accepted her for who she is, not what I wanted her to be. She could not have children and I was completely fine with that, I loved her for who she is and it never bothered me. She has never been married, she has always been more focused on her career which is now falling apart because she no longer wants that career. She takes care of both of her ill parents who rely on her 24/7. I supported her through all of that.

 

She had ex-boyfriends who beat her, abused her, cheated on her, one that stalked her and wanted to literally kill her. Her ex before me wrote her a letter when they were together because he wanted to watch her with another man in bed. All of these things I have NEVER done. I treated her really good during our relationship, I was there for her, I supported her, I accepted her for who she is and loved her for it. That is HER loss, entirely her loss.

 

She will most likely love again, but she certainly won't be loved back in the way I loved her. HER loss. Yes, I broke NC but I learned something from it. I learned I deserve better and she wasn't as special as I thought she was. She was just another ex-girlfriend who hurt me and decided to end our relationship. So don't do it, guys, don't break no contact. If they are pleading, begging, asking for you back, good. Let them sweat it out and if they really care, they'll make the effort to get you back.

 

I'm SO glad you've discovered the power of #1 Realizing you deserve better. #2 Realizing your ex is not who you thought she was #3 Anger....which in healthy doses will fuel your recovery. I feel like this is a turning point for you. You've found the things you needed in order to truley let go and move on. And yes!! Youre right! Its is HER loss! NOT yours!! This is an empowering piece of knoweldge that will give you boost and ease the pain alittle. Its sounds like you were wonderful to her. I know what its like to give your significant other everything you have, your whole heart, and be treated poorly in return. Trust me, people who take advantage of a kind person's love will always regret it. Please use your newly aquired tools, they will comfort you and empower you.

What you thought set you back to square one, was really the revelation you needed to heal Keep us posted!

[Dis]

I am changing EVERYTHING about my life starting today, GC.

 

 

I will no longer be part of it. I will not be contacting her friends, I deleted all of their numbers and hers, too. I've deleted everything about her. Removed anything that will remind me of her. I no longer are to analyze the situation or wonder what she is doing, if she misses me or not. I refuse to reflect on the past and go over what happened. I dislike the person she made me become after dumping me, so I refuse to be that man. I'll be the man everyone enjoyed and not for their sake, for my own. I'll go back to enjoying being single and what I mean by that is I won't withhold from flirting, being open to affection from others and one day finding a real woman who loves me for me.

 

I am still angry, hurt, bitter and so many negative feelings are stirring inside me, but what I am not is someone who deserves to be punished, treated like a fool who has no emotion. I am a human being, that is what I am.

 

Yayyyyy!!!

 

***"Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it."-Rabindranath Tagore

 

****"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

[Zapbasket]

I am changing EVERYTHING about my life starting today, GC.

 

 

I will no longer be part of it. I will not be contacting her friends, I deleted all of their numbers and hers, too. I've deleted everything about her. Removed anything that will remind me of her. I no longer are to analyze the situation or wonder what she is doing, if she misses me or not. I refuse to reflect on the past and go over what happened. I dislike the person she made me become after dumping me, so I refuse to be that man. I'll be the man everyone enjoyed and not for their sake, for my own. I'll go back to enjoying being single and what I mean by that is I won't withhold from flirting, being open to affection from others and one day finding a real woman who loves me for me.

 

I am still angry, hurt, bitter and so many negative feelings are stirring inside me, but what I am not is someone who deserves to be punished, treated like a fool who has no emotion. I am a human being, that is what I am.

 

Anger can be a great motivator. In that spirit, think of those words from your ex as a gift: it gives you an impetus to detach. Your anger will rise and fall in waves and eventually fade, but when you need motivation in the coming months, remember this moment and how it made you feel.

 

All that WhatsApp crap sounds like a bunch of teenagers and I'm glad you have removed yourself from that circle of online communication and offline "friendship." If there's anyone in that group who ever truly cared for you beyond the superficial convenience of hanging out, they will make it known to you in time. For now, it's best to assume that nothing good will come from further interaction with these people, and focus on taking steps forward.

 

You've been dealt a series of emotional blows, so be kind to yourself. I find it's sometimes helpful to get a brief change of scenery--even just going to a restaurant you've never tried or a park you don't frequent. Even taking a different route to work can be a boost.

 

No one knows the future, but I strongly suspect it will be YOU who finds a better partner, Apparition.

[Apparition]

Anger can be a great motivator. In that spirit, think of those words from your ex as a gift: it gives you an impetus to detach. Your anger will rise and fall in waves and eventually fade, but when you need motivation in the coming months, remember this moment and how it made you feel.

 

All that WhatsApp crap sounds like a bunch of teenagers and I'm glad you have removed yourself from that circle of online communication and offline "friendship." If there's anyone in that group who ever truly cared for you beyond the superficial convenience of hanging out, they will make it known to you in time. For now, it's best to assume that nothing good will come from further interaction with these people, and focus on taking steps forward.

 

You've been dealt a series of emotional blows, so be kind to yourself. I find it's sometimes helpful to get a brief change of scenery--even just going to a restaurant you've never tried or a park you don't frequent. Even taking a different route to work can be a boost.

 

No one knows the future, but I strongly suspect it will be YOU who finds a better partner, Apparition.

 

 

Thank you very much for your kind words once again, GC.

 

I mostly used Whatsapp to keep in touch with long distant friends and family but eventually it turned into a thing where friends would invite me to group conversations to make plans and sometimes just have mindless drivel conversation. I will certainly not be part of it again, nor have anything to do with them/her. What I cannot stand about her is the fact she has made herself out to be a constant victim with regards to our relationship. Even today when she said all that stuff and I said to her, "we were both nasty to each other at times, it wasn't all me", she excused her behavior by saying she was nasty to me BECAUSE of me, because I was nasty to her which is unfairly untrue. She did not take any responsibility for throwing me away, hurting me, rejecting me and my support, pushing me away only to pull me in again later. It was a constant cycle of turmoil with her , I was holding onto the good from two years ago, not the person she became or was all along hidden behind a mask. I was basically holding onto the mask of her. The shell.

 

I feel a little weird because I have a lot of anger but I also feel sad and positive at the same time. Like I am not on the verge of tears or anything, just feel a little beat down mixed in with anger and an urge to heal myself as quickly as possible. I am going to do the things I enjoy over the next few days. Such as cycling, going back to my Muay Thai classes, cooking (I used to be a chef), I lost all my inspiration, my hope, my enjoyment for the things I used to take pleasure in doing.

 

I only have ONE worry; which is during that same conversation, I told her I deleted her photos, the inappropriate ones and including the ones of us together, both non-sexual and sexual. I told her everything was gone and I asked she do the same and delete those photos. She flat out refused to do so. When I asked her to, she told me to delete my G-mail account, when I asked why that was even relevant she gave me a poor excuse which made no sense about how if I delete G-mail it will no longer be tied to her (I know her phone number off by heart which she knows, so wtf???). I told her I do not buy what she is selling, she told me she needed the photos as evidence, when I asked for what evidence she could possibly use them for, she said in case I do anything to harm her, I asked what inappropriate photos of me have to do with anything about harming her? Even if I was to harm her, what does photos of ME have to do with anything? None of it made sense. She changed her story to in case I post anything of her, she needed them. This whole game play thing has caused me to worry about what she may do with the photos, especially after I told her I deleted hers. I know it may not seem like a big deal because guys usually enjoy sending inappropriate photos anyway, but not me, I am a classy dude and I care about the places I work, I do not want family, friends, future co-workers seeing photos of me like that. It's truly mind boggling.

[Apparition]

I'm SO glad you've discovered the power of #1 Realizing you deserve better. #2 Realizing your ex is not who you thought she was #3 Anger....which in healthy doses will fuel your recovery. I feel like this is a turning point for you. You've found the things you needed in order to truley let go and move on. And yes!! Youre right! Its is HER loss! NOT yours!! This is an empowering piece of knoweldge that will give you boost and ease the pain alittle. Its sounds like you were wonderful to her. I know what its like to give your significant other everything you have, your whole heart, and be treated poorly in return. Trust me, people who take advantage of a kind person's love will always regret it. Please use your newly aquired tools, they will comfort you and empower you.

What you thought set you back to square one, was really the revelation you needed to heal Keep us posted!

 

 

Thanks for posting and your kind words. Unfortunately the dust has not settled as of yet and my brain is spiraling downwards into a pit of anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness and yet there is a huge mixture of some relief, happiness and positivity. There is relief because I actually thought it was MY loss after all. I thought I had lost something very special and I thought she was "the one" but after all this I feel relieved because she was not the one, she was not special, she was just another ex-girlfriend who left me, betrayed me, decided I was not worthy of love and for that, I am very relieved.

 

I hope the same for you, I hope you are able to find someone who deserves you and you can move on in peace without looking back wondering, "what if". Stay strong!

 

 

[]

Edited March 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted response to deleted post ~6

[Apparition]

My gf broke up with me 2 months ago and for the first few weeks I made the mistake of texting her and telling her I loved her etc. Even told her I've been going to therapy and she has ignored me every time. I haven't tried again since so it will be 6 weeks NC.

It hurts so bad when I think back on everything. She always said to me I was the love of her life and would always be there for me. Think the worse thing is that I know how much I'm hurting still and I can't help it, but I feel like she's probably moved on by now and happy. The question still going round in my head is how can someone cut you from there life like that after 2 years together and not feel anything? I was going to propose to her on our 2nd year anniversary in April this year too.

Sorry for the vent but I got a strong urged today to contact her today so thought I'd post here instead.

 

Hi, Harvey. I'm sorry for your suffering and pain. I'm going to give you some tough love, though. The reason these people cut us out of their lives is because they did not truly love us, they did not accept us for who we are, we were not enough for them. They do not deserve your love, your pain, your tears, your sympathy and they certainly do not deserve to even be on your mind. You will find someone else, a better woman, a woman who will love you better than your ex-girlfriend. When I first read from other people telling me to "move on", "you'll find someone else" -- I was sick to my stomach because I didn't WANT anyone else, I wanted her, but the truth is I realize I was BLIND. You are BLIND. Blinded by the dream they sold you, not the reality. You will one day wake up to the reality of their lies, because did they love you forever? No, they didn't. They lied to you, they sat there and lied to your face telling you they would love you, only you, how you are the person of their dreams. But it is all C-R-A-P. She will find someone else, probably a loser and karma will make her realize she lost a good guy (you). However, you will have moved on to someone who deserves you, someone who loves you, makes you feel wanted, secure, adored, appreciated, LOVED. Give your love to another woman, man. But not just any woman. Give it to someone who deserves you, dude. She is out there somewhere, just have faith.

 

 

 

Hey Apparition and Jasejasejase.......since both of you have read my threads till now I thought of sharing this with you. Its sort of an update.

While browsing my social networking site I discovered one thing. He has my password and I found that everyday since we broke up he has logged in to my account daily. I don't know what to make out of this but it gave me a feeling that he hasn't yet forgotten about me. And this kinda made me happy and I don't know why has suddenly given me the strength to continue NC. Its like......I have stopped checking his profile, I don't check my messages hoping he would reply.....but the moment I log into my account, the first thing I check is whether he logged in too or not and I find him daily logging into my account....! I dunno what to think of this. What do you guys think? Why is he doing this?

 

 

 

 

Nivy, honestly, it does not matter why he's doing this.

 

Please stop analyzing why he's doing the thing he's doing because he is playing games with you, messing with your head and your emotions, this man is a game-player and needs help. The fact he is invading your privacy is unsettling and weird. Change your password, block him, do not contact him again unless he gets professional help and changes.

 

 

Have to say, just dropped my daughters off and have got home and really, really broken down. Can't stop crying. I am just so lost without Her. Yes, Ive been tempted to email her but I just can't. I just can't cant cant! But my mind plays tricks on ME, ignores the evidence, wondering whether she's missing me ... Also struggling with no contact. I know deep down she isn't ... She's moved on ... But in moments like this I feel weak.

 

I just can't get her out of my mind. Such a mess

 

That's exactly how I feel Jasejasejase, I'm so tempted to contact me ex just now. I know she won't reply and it will just make things worse. It really does hurt.

 

 

Jase, you need some tough love here, dude. You have got to stop beating yourself up, expecting things from yourself you are not capable of doing right now. Most of all you need to toughen up! Your ex threw you away, your ex lied to you, your ex sold you a dream like I said to Harvey. She does not want you, she does not want to even speak to you, therefore she does not deserve YOU. Nor your tears, your misery over her, she does not deserve to be in your brain.

 

There will be a woman worthy of your love but she is not it. I am sorry but not really sorry because you will eventually see one day and be grateful your ex left you so you could find someone better. Look forward to that, not looking back on the past being depressed over someone who could care less about you. Look forward to the woman who does care, who is waiting for you to come into her life, who wants to love you and find YOU, her future partner.

 

Stay strong.