No contact -- how to keep that up?

[Jasejasejase]

Nevy ... Everyones right ... Stop punishing yourself. The main point is that he's said he doesn't want you. What he does thereafter isn't going to do you any good ... It's going to just cause you pain. Im in the same position ... I know my ex is dating ... And yeah it kills me, but up until now Ive managed not to look. What good will IT do me? She doesn't love me. She doesnt want me ... Yea I still love Her more than anythkng but I can't make her love me. I wish I could. I don't say this to be mean ... But keeping checking him out is not going to do you any good whatsoever. I do get why you check tho, really do

 

As for me ... Still screwed ... Still devestated by the split ... Still in bed (that's the resultant depression though ..) wow .. Why is love so so amazing and so so sucky at the same time

[Fufu]

Everyday passes worth the moment of celebration. Hang in there.

[Bluegum]

Hi guys, I hope everyone is doing well today x

 

I'm currently in week 3 of no contact. I wake up everyday feeling like a piece of crap. I miss her so much. Even though I'm in no contact with her, I still stalk her whatsapp last seen everyday. And if I see her online for a long period of time, I immediately begin thinking that she is happily chatting with her new interest online. She has recently met another person and mutual friends told me she likes that person and they have been going out frequently. I don't know if it's rebound, or if she's doing this on purpose to me. Whatever it is, it just hurts so much.

 

I just can't stop stalking. Even if you guys tell me to block/ do whatever to keep my mind off stalking, I'll still stalk...

[Apparition]

Saw my ex again.

 

I have changed where I shop for groceries but today I went into a toy store for one of my cousins daughter. It is her birthday soon so I was picking her up a gift. Out of all the toy stores in my town or even simply out of all the other places she could be, my ex was there. Unfortunately I tried to do something simple like get in quickly, grab what I need and go pay for it. I did this but when I got to the queue, she came behind me. There were two cashiers available beside each other and one of them was a person we both knew. I took the cashier that was first available, then she took the next one which was the person we know and also beside my cashier. I overheard their conversation while the guy was bagging my stuff. The woman we knew asked her, "so how's it going, haven't seen you in a while?" -- my ex replied, "can't complain, how are you?". I overheard her say she was there for her nephew's party picking some things up. I took my stuff and left.

 

Needless to say, her comment, "can't complain" bugged me. It also bugged me that how out of all the places she could be, out of all the toy stores in my town, she was in that one. She RARELY ever shops there if it's for her nephew. I've stayed in bed since that happened, feel like I'm back to square one.

[Apparition]

Also, did anyone else deal with suicide thoughts?

 

This is not like me but recently I've been thinking a lot of unhealthy things. It's like a little voice in my head is telling me there is an easy way out rather than go through all this and get nowhere in the end. I know it's not logical thinking, just struggling with these thoughts and thought if anyone else could share some insight.

 

Thanks.

[Jasejasejase]

Hi apparition. We've not spoken in a while. Sorry to hear you feel you're back at square one ... That sucks so much. Suicide thoughts? Yep ... I have them frequently. Luckily so far ivr not acted on them. People will snap back saying no one is worth taking your life over ... But your mourning has probabky slipped into deep depression now ... The same way mine has. Problem is the main mantra for mourning is give it time ... But if over time the pain just gets worse life becomes very hard to live. Yes, there are millions of people in far dire situations ... But it's not selfish to be depresssed. At the end of the day we are who we are ... And we only endure our own happiness and our own pain. I can't give you any magic words ... Or any advice really .. But just urge you to hang on in there. We have different stories ... Different life's ... But were in a similar place right now ... So come on here and talk to me, especially when the thoughts get real bad .. I'll do the same. Plus ... Just from reading your posts you're too awesome to do away with yourself ... Just saying ...

 

As for me... I stlll am just beaten. So fed up with being so Down abot someone who moved on after a week and clearly never gave a hell about me. But still I love her and miss her and everything (I mean everything) reminds Me of her and kills me. a lady from my writers group emailed ME, clearly interested, and I just can't bear to even correspond as im still in love. Just want the pain to stop

[Cooper04]

Saw my ex again.

 

I have changed where I shop for groceries but today I went into a toy store for one of my cousins daughter. It is her birthday soon so I was picking her up a gift. Out of all the toy stores in my town or even simply out of all the other places she could be, my ex was there. Unfortunately I tried to do something simple like get in quickly, grab what I need and go pay for it. I did this but when I got to the queue, she came behind me. There were two cashiers available beside each other and one of them was a person we both knew. I took the cashier that was first available, then she took the next one which was the person we know and also beside my cashier. I overheard their conversation while the guy was bagging my stuff. The woman we knew asked her, "so how's it going, haven't seen you in a while?" -- my ex replied, "can't complain, how are you?". I overheard her say she was there for her nephew's party picking some things up. I took my stuff and left.

 

Needless to say, her comment, "can't complain" bugged me. It also bugged me that how out of all the places she could be, out of all the toy stores in my town, she was in that one. She RARELY ever shops there if it's for her nephew. I've stayed in bed since that happened, feel like I'm back to square one.

 

 

Well, what else was she supposed to say?

She could be in a world of pain, she's still not going to cause a scene at a toy store, especially with you standing 3 feet away.

"Can't complain" has been my go-to answer everytime someone has asked me in the last few weeks, but that's not really a true statement..

 

If you're having suicidal thoughts, you should seek professional help.

[BC1980]

Saw my ex again.

 

I have changed where I shop for groceries but today I went into a toy store for one of my cousins daughter. It is her birthday soon so I was picking her up a gift. Out of all the toy stores in my town or even simply out of all the other places she could be, my ex was there. Unfortunately I tried to do something simple like get in quickly, grab what I need and go pay for it. I did this but when I got to the queue, she came behind me. There were two cashiers available beside each other and one of them was a person we both knew. I took the cashier that was first available, then she took the next one which was the person we know and also beside my cashier. I overheard their conversation while the guy was bagging my stuff. The woman we knew asked her, "so how's it going, haven't seen you in a while?" -- my ex replied, "can't complain, how are you?". I overheard her say she was there for her nephew's party picking some things up. I took my stuff and left.

 

Needless to say, her comment, "can't complain" bugged me. It also bugged me that how out of all the places she could be, out of all the toy stores in my town, she was in that one. She RARELY ever shops there if it's for her nephew. I've stayed in bed since that happened, feel like I'm back to square one.

 

That's tough. I remember the first time I saw my ex after going NC. I hadn't seen him in a year. I had made a lot of progress in that year, but seeing him almost reduced me to tears. I saw him from a distance at work. I only saw him for a few seconds, but I was terribly upset. I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself. Even after 1 year of NC! So don't get down on yourself for your reaction. It seems pretty normal to me.

 

Don't worry about her comment. She's just making small talk with the cashier. I know it's easy to read into that kind of stuff, but she's hardly going to divulge her sorrows in a toy store. Take it with a grain of salt.

[Dis]

Also, did anyone else deal with suicide thoughts?

 

This is not like me but recently I've been thinking a lot of unhealthy things. It's like a little voice in my head is telling me there is an easy way out rather than go through all this and get nowhere in the end. I know it's not logical thinking, just struggling with these thoughts and thought if anyone else could share some insight.

 

Thanks.

 

Oh wow, I'm so sorry hon. I cant believe you saw her again. Ripped the wound right open again huh? Yes, I had suicidal thought for about 10 years. For me, they were all consuming. But honestly, suicide is a permenant fix for a temporary problem. I know youre feeling awful right now, all you can do is ride this storm out. Let yourself feel all the emotions and try to take care of yourself and stay busy during this process.

 

***I promise, this is temporary. Down the road, you will look back at this and be so grateful you stayed strong and kept going....I promise***

[kztar]

Also, did anyone else deal with suicide thoughts?

 

This is not like me but recently I've been thinking a lot of unhealthy things. It's like a little voice in my head is telling me there is an easy way out rather than go through all this and get nowhere in the end. I know it's not logical thinking, just struggling with these thoughts and thought if anyone else could share some insight.

 

Thanks.

 

Hang in there. It's not logical but I've had those thoughts too. It's just because you want a solution to the problem NOW and I damn well wish that there was a solution right NOW and that honestly seems like the only solution for the moment. When people keep saying time and time it bugs me terribly like I need he pain to end NOW not with time. With time the pain will clearly be gone but we want it to fade at this very moment not tomorrow, not next week or next year perhaps but who knows when. Just try to do things that make you feel a little better. I'm pretty sure that nothing nothing will make you happy at the moment. Hang in there , keep posting and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[Dis]

My ex txted my a week ago saying, "I was wrong, I made a mistake."

 

He just texted me now saying:

 

"Can we please talk sometime?"

 

"I loved your personality, I enjoyed being with you. I miss having you around. I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope your ok. Really you should talk to me. I dont know what your up to, but I hope your doing good."

 

I dont even know what that means. I wish my phone carrier would let me block him. Those txts upset me, only alittle though, I dont even know what he means. Even if I did know, I wouldnt txt back. I guess its the not knowing where his head is at that bothers me alittle. Can someone tell me what he means?

[kztar]

My ex txted my a week ago saying, "I was wrong, I made a mistake."

 

He just texted me now saying:

 

"Can we please talk sometime?"

 

"I loved your personality, I enjoyed being with you. I miss having you around. I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope your ok. Really you should talk to me. I dont know what your up to, but I hope your doing good."

 

I dont even know what that means. I wish my phone carrier would let me block him. Those txts upset me, only alittle though, I dont even know what he means. Even if I did know, I wouldnt txt back. I guess its the not knowing where his head is at that bothers me alittle. Can someone tell me what he means?

 

Why is he not blocked?. Stop trying to interpret what he means and remember what he MEANT The day he walked away. Talk to him of you want to start from scratch with this experience again in the future. Block block block. Don't feed his ego

[Dis]

Why is he not blocked?. Stop trying to interpret what he means and remember what he MEANT The day he walked away. Talk to him of you want to start from scratch with this experience again in the future. Block block block. Don't feed his ego

 

I cant block him. My phone carrier doesnt offer that option. I can only block calls. I know it doesnt matter what he means...I surprised I'm even wondering. And theres no way I will contact him. I've been done since the day he broke up with me

[Dis]

I cant block him. My phone carrier doesnt offer that option. I can only block calls. I know it doesnt matter what he means...I surprised I'm even wondering. And theres no way I will contact him. I've been done since the day he broke up with me

 

And good point about his ego. Its probably irritating the hell out of him that I've never responded. Good. I'm keeping it that way.

[Jasejasejase]

I just have to post. I know people just tell me to pull myself together. But im still so lost. It's been weeks ... But im just moving on. Im in tears writing this. The depression is really getting the better of me. Damn my mind .., I just can't stop thinking about her or being reminded of Her. I really want to move on but im not. I've barely slept in a week. Sorry a poinless post ... But im typing through tears

[Jasejasejase]

Watching movie after movie .. Depressed as hell ... And a character said this :

 

" that impossible anger strangling the grief until the memory of your loved one is just poison in your veins. And one day you catch yourself wishing the person you loved never existed, so youd be spared your pain.'

 

That's not me wishing any ill will to my ex. Just that the memory is haunting me. being transparent ... I feel like ending IT all today. Go ahead ... Tell me im pathetic ... But the depression has me in its grip ... I can't sleep ... I spend 24 hours a day locked down in anguish and wishing the pain would all go away. No friends, family who don't give a crap ... Tried reaching out but nothing comes back.

 

Im

Sure everyone will have a go at me. Hopefully some people will understand. This is an erratic post ... I know . BAd day

[kat2008]

Jase - I haven't read all of your posts, I just hop on and off this forum most days. Have you sought help from your doctor? It doesn't have to mean pills, they can refer you for counselling? Get in touch with mental health charity or the Samaritans - they helped me so much the last time I went through this life change.

 

I know people tell you to pull yourself together - I tell myself the same thing! I know how difficult it is - am going through these emotions myself (and years ago really did try the suicide route). Although I am in so much pain now, I am glad I didn't succeed then. Granted I wouldn't be living through this scenario again but neither would I have had some of the best times in my life either.

 

I want to have more great times - I try to focus on this instead of the past - I am not always successful. It's right what people say - time is a healer. But sometimes you need a little bit of extra help too.

[Nivy]

Hello guys.....how have you all been doing? For most of us I am sure its a tough time but I wanted to say to you guys that NO MATTER WHAT.....DON'T GIVE UP. No, don't try to get back the relationship that you had but DON'T GIVE UP THE HEALING PROCESS.

It's been a month since he left me (he didn't even give me a proper reason and yes somewhere it was my fault too). I find it soooo hard sometimes to control the urge. But every time I feel like mailing or talking to him, I just ask myself "Do you deserve more pain? Do you deserve all of this?". And every time I get NO for an answer. Yes guys, after loving them so much, after giving so much of ourselves to them, do we really deserve this pain? No. Yet that person is making us go through this. We thought they are the one. But ask yourself, if they had been the one would they have hurt you this way? The answer will be NO. Yes sometimes people can be stubborn, they can be egoistic but no one hurts this way.

And dear @Apparition, I used to have suicidal thoughts too but then I thought that WHY END A PRECIOUS LIFE FOR SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN THINK FOR ME? There are other people who really love us. Like my parents. All of our parents. They love us unconditionally. They can never even think of hurting us. We can't hurt them. So guys, WE HAVE TO BE STRONG. For ourselves and for them who love us. Yes there are people who love us and yes there will be someone who will love us the way we want to be loved. And even if we don't get that person, life won't get over. We have a beautiful life to cherish, we have a beautiful life to live, we have a beautiful life in which we may be able to make a difference in someone else's life. So let's aim higher and live our life our way.

I love you all guys.......warm hugs )

[Zapbasket]

Hey Apparition.

 

Just checking in--how are you doing today?

 

Sending good thoughts,

GreenCove

[Apparition]

Hey, everyone.

 

 

GC, thanks for checking in on me, much appreciated. I've had better days but I've also had worse. How are you? : )

 

Jase, you're just going to have to ride out all these negative emotions you're feeling. Nothing else you can really do except sit there and wallow in it or get some motivation and push through it. "Fake it til' you make it".

 

Disillusionment, I would delete any text he sends you. Period.

 

Kztar, thanks for your kind words. : )

 

How are we all?

[keiji]

It's really encouraging to read all of you, I really appreciate your posts. They have spared me many stupid decisions.

 

I've been feeling a bit sad and confused for a couple of days now but I know I won't give in to temptation. It's just my brain (or heart) playing tricks on me. This process is full of up and downs and it's normal to feel low every once in a while.

 

Keep it up!

[kztar]

It's really encouraging to read all of you, I really appreciate your posts. They have spared me many stupid decisions.

 

I've been feeling a bit sad and confused for a couple of days now but I know I won't give in to temptation. It's just my brain (or heart) playing tricks on me. This process is full of up and downs and it's normal to feel low every once in a while.

 

Keep it up!

 

Hi Keiji,

 

Welcome to the forum. Im glad you were able to find this thread and to allow it to inspire you. We all get confused but always come back here and read other's stories. I would love to contact my ex and tell him how much I still love him and care for him. How could he have made so many promises to then treat me the way he did. Neglect me and not even give us a real chance to work on our relationship?. How could he have fallen out of "love" with me?. Was he ever even in love to begin with. But the truth of the matter is none of that no longer matters. What matters is you must suck up the pain and soon enough reach that point like this person never exist or existed. Forget hope but rather move on. I dont know man, im simply scared of ever going through this again. I intend in taking drastic measures to prevent this.

[keiji]

Hi Keiji,

 

Welcome to the forum. Im glad you were able to find this thread and to allow it to inspire you. We all get confused but always come back here and read other's stories. I would love to contact my ex and tell him how much I still love him and care for him. How could he have made so many promises to then treat me the way he did. Neglect me and not even give us a real chance to work on our relationship?. How could he have fallen out of "love" with me?. Was he ever even in love to begin with. But the truth of the matter is none of that no longer matters. What matters is you must suck up the pain and soon enough reach that point like this person never exist or existed. Forget hope but rather move on. I dont know man, im simply scared of ever going through this again. I intend in taking drastic measures to prevent this.

 

Thanks kztar. It was really hard in the beginning, but now I'm starting to accept that we'll never be back together and, what's more, I doubt I'd want her back anyway. It's just that it's difficult to switch off all those feelings and put everything in perspective and know what you REALLY miss (her? the affection? just mere company?), so I'll need patience and not despair when I have a couple of bad days. I know it's totally normal.

[kztar]

Thanks kztar. It was really hard in the beginning, but now I'm starting to accept that we'll never be back together and, what's more, I doubt I'd want her back anyway. It's just that it's difficult to switch off all those feelings and put everything in perspective and know what you REALLY miss (her? the affection? just mere company?), so I'll need patience and not despair when I have a couple of bad days. I know it's totally normal.

 

I feel the same. Today I have the urge to break NC but clearly im not going to do it. Not worth it and I know ill be getting rejected and starting over from scratch.

 

You know I have a hard time deciding what I miss too. I don't know if it's actually him or the companionship and the security I thought I had with him. Not realizing he made me put my guard down to just treat me like nothing. I had a high wall and he made me put that wall down for then a year later do this. How long has it been and also what exactly happened between you too ?

 

Today is a stressful day for some reason.

[keiji]

I feel the same. Today I have the urge to break NC but clearly im not going to do it. Not worth it and I know ill be getting rejected and starting over from scratch.

 

You know I have a hard time deciding what I miss too. I don't know if it's actually him or the companionship and the security I thought I had with him. Not realizing he made me put my guard down to just treat me like nothing. I had a high wall and he made me put that wall down for then a year later do this. How long has it been and also what exactly happened between you too ?

 

Today is a stressful day for some reason.

 

Yeah, I didn't find the strength to tell the story so far, but here I go.

 

I was in a 9-year relationship. Ex-wife left me for a co-worker while we were trying to have kids (nice). That was five years ago. Then I'm so broken I get into the most toxic relationship you can imagine (with my ex-wife's best friend's sister, no less). On and off for 3 years of constant suffering in parallel to my incredibly painful divorce. I was a complete trainwreck.

 

Then I met a British girl, supercute, smart, good-natured... I was very cautious in the beginning since I came from a very dark place. I felt quite down after all I'd been through but I thought she was worth it (she is, I won't let resentment speak for me). There were some cultural differences, quite a few actually (I'm Catalan). She didn't even try to learn the language after two years here and a long etcetera. Nothing that couldn't be fixed, though. However, I noticed an extreme selfishness from the moment we left dating behind to get into a serious relationship. It was all her, her and more her. Quite a whimsical person, if you ask me. That was the first red flag. The second one was probably a lack of communication. She found it really hard to express her feelings and I'm more the Mediterranean type: quite passionate and straightforward.

 

One day she said she was ready to move in with me. I told her I'd like to do it in the mid-term, but that I wasn't ready yet (due to those red flags I mentioned before and to the fact that I felt she was too dependent. I needed to know her more; she was hard to pin down and we'd only been together for 8-10 months. She mentioned two more times in a short period and my answer was the same. i don't regret it, although I think it triggered our breakup.

 

One evening last july, over dinner, she drank too much and said that she was still living in Barcelona because of me; otherwise, she'd have moved out already. I told her I interpreted that as pure blackmailing. Then she started a monologue that I'd find hard to reproduce. She started accusing me of the most incredible things, crying and stuttering and basically going nuts. I got scared, thinking that she probably had mental issues (I still think she has them but it's very difficult to get to her inner self, probably even for her). I broke up with her at that very moment, again, because I felt scared and my background was already full of unstability.

 

In early september we got back together, but I sensed that she was resentful and distant. I told her we needed to talk and she agreed. When we met, she said that she was worried that I worked too much and we could barely see each other. That was her only complaint. I found that quite weird, but I said that there was nothing I could do about it. She said she understood.

 

A few weeks later, she got really mad at me for some naive remark I can't even remember and she said she wanted to break up. I think it was a bit of a revenge on her end. She wanted me to hurt, I'm quite sure of that. A month later, at my mum's insistence, I messaged to tell her my grandma had died (she knew her). She didn't seem to give a damn, and I told her I though that was incredibly insensitive, specially knowing how close to my grandparents I'd always been and that, in her deathbed, my grandmother had asked if she'd come to see her. She took this as an insult. She blocked me on Whatsapp.

 

Then, on December she sent a happy birthday message out of the blue. I told her I missed her and she said she didn't want me back, just as friends. We met, she said she was confused and all the usual excuses (You're the man of my life, I'm still in love with you, I love you so, so much). Also, she mentioned that she was sleeping occasionally with a guy she didn't care at all about, just "to forget me" (bla, bla, bla). She said she was unhappy without me and she ached every time she thought of me. But she was resolved in her decision. Quite paradoxical, isn't it? She said our problems were not fixable. I disagree.

 

Of course, I think all she said is pure BS. I said I didn't want us to be in touch anymore, and I have kept no contact since jan. 22nd. I didn't get closure, because I don't believe the reasons for the breakup and I think it was part of a revenge; she admitted feeling very resentful.

 

I know she's not the one, but I miss her, why not admit it. But I don't think I'd want her back anymore. This process is so full of contradictions.

Edited March 15, 2016 by keiji