No contact -- how to keep that up?

[BC1980]

Kztar, I am very sorry to hear that. : (

 

I, myself, am struggling a lot today. Reason being is because I am finding it difficult to fully let go, to fully accept that it is finally over, gone and there's no going back and I am trying desperately to accept she is no longer ever going to be in my life, I know that she is not healthy for me and I am not healthy for her but I am wondering why there is this little part of me that is still holding on and not letting go, I keep telling myself each day to let go, but it's like a little nest of hope.

 

I want to smash it.

 

It took me several months of NC to accept it was truly over. It's hard because you still love the person, and you can't understand why they don't feel the same way. Especially when you were dumped because you were taken by surprise. She probably had time to mentally prepare.

[Apparition]

It took me several months of NC to accept it was truly over. It's hard because you still love the person, and you can't understand why they don't feel the same way. Especially when you were dumped because you were taken by surprise. She probably had time to mentally prepare.

 

BC, how long did it take you to get over your ex completely and when did you start dating? Also, did you ever cross paths with your ex?

[jsdifjf]

Hey everyone!

 

It's now day 31 of NC for me. A bit more since the break-up. The thing some people are saying here about feeling it's over for good... I feel it too. You know all those get your ex back stratagems on the web, most of them say to contact the ex after 30 days. And subconsciously I guess I was working towards that goal. But now that the 30 days are over, I actually don't want to contact her anymore. I don't want to risk getting back to square one. Furthermore, if the improbable would actually happen, if I contacted her and we would somehow end up being back together... I don't think I could trust her. I would be waiting for her to leave me again. So this means it's over for good, I haven't heard from her in one whole month, I have no idea what she's up to and maybe I never will again. It makes me sad. Spring is there and I remember we were looking forward to that. We had so many things planned, weekend trips, festivals, etc. None of that will happen now. At least not with her. It's that "could've been" which is crushing me. But I have to let go of the "ifs"... it seems we're all struggling in a similar way.

 

Meanwhile there is this girl who wants to meet me. She seems great and we decided on a date for next week. I'm excited but at the same time I'm worried it's too early to put myself out there? Normally I give myself at least a couple of months before I date again. And I've worked so hard on myself since the breakup... I don't want it to get lost with another blow to my self-esteem. On the other hand, it's just a date, right? There're no expectations, so there isn't much that can go wrong. Thoughts?

Edited March 24, 2016 by jsdifjf

[kztar]

It took me several months of NC to accept it was truly over. It's hard because you still love the person, and you can't understand why they don't feel the same way. Especially when you were dumped because you were taken by surprise. She probably had time to mentally prepare.

 

Sadly yes this is true. He seemed long gone from the situation a long time ago.

[kztar]

Anyways i've come a long way NC but today I have the urge to break it today. Should I ?. I feel like I want to just tell him that I understand his reasoning for breaking up and that I didn't want things to end on such a bad note. Should I? Im over a month NC?. HELPPPPP me guys. Maybe I want to reach out because I still have a little bit of hope. I don't even know but it's probably not a good idea. what do you guys think?

[kztar]

Hey everyone!

 

It's now day 31 of NC for me. A bit more since the break-up. The thing some people are saying here about feeling it's over for good... I feel it too. You know all those get your ex back stratagems on the web, most of them say to contact the ex after 30 days. And subconsciously I guess I was working towards that goal. But now that the 30 days are over, I actually don't want to contact her anymore. I don't want to risk getting back to square one. Furthermore, if the improbable would actually happen, if I contacted her and we would somehow end up being back together... I don't think I could trust her. I would be waiting for her to leave me again. So this means it's over for good, I haven't heard from her in one whole month, I have no idea what she's up to and maybe I never will again. It makes me sad. Spring is there and I remember we were looking forward to that. We had so many things planned, weekend trips, festivals, etc. None of that will happen now. At least not with her. It's that "could've been" which is crushing me. But I have to let go of the "ifs"... it seems we're all struggling in a similar way.

 

Meanwhile there is this girl who wants to meet me. She seems great and we decided on a date for next week. I'm excited but at the same time I'm worried it's too early to put myself out there? Normally I give myself at least a couple of months before I date again. And I've worked so hard on myself since the breakup... I don't want it to get lost with another blow to my self-esteem. On the other hand, it's just a date, right? There're no expectations, so there isn't much that can go wrong. Thoughts?

 

Go on this date. I have started dating. Just like you said don't go dating with high expectations. You just got screwed over with high expectations.

 

I met this really cute and awesome guy. Sadly all we could do is talk about our past relationships and how terrible things were. He just came out of a 12 year relationship. SMH Anyways, we are sort of dating and getting to know each other. Who knows where that will go.

[andie1969]

It's been 3 weeks post break up & nc for me, and I have 2 dates this weekend. Meeting a guy for happy hour drinks today and another tomorrow. I'm not feeling overly excited about either, but 3 weekends of sitting at home wallowing is enough! It's just drinks and at least it does reaffirm that other men do find me attractivE.

[BC1980]

BC, how long did it take you to get over your ex completely and when did you start dating? Also, did you ever cross paths with your ex?

 

I would say about 2 solid years of NC to feel mostly neutral, but there will always be a scar there. The breakup changed me. I started going on some dates about 8 months after the breakup, just after I went NC for the final time. I would be open to dating now, but I'm not actively pursuing it. That has noting to do with my ex though.

 

My ex works at the same place I do, but I rarely see him. I might see him every 3 months or so, and it's just passing in the hall. I actually had to talk to him about work related stuff a few months ago, and it was cordial. It was hard at first, but I got used to seeing him occasionally. He got engaged within a year of our breakup, so that helped me move on but also made me really realize how volatile love can be.

[BC1980]

Sadly yes this is true. He seemed long gone from the situation a long time ago.

 

Probably. I realized the same thing in hindsight. I'm sure my ex had checked out long before and was only one foot in for awhile. I should have listened to my gut.

[Apparition]

Hi, everyone.

 

My Sister recently told me that my ex-girlfriends Father has been took into hospital and things are not looking so good for him, I knew while we were together he had a few years left in him but I suppose his time is now coming to an end.

 

I sent my ex an e-mail instead of a text, simply saying;

 

"I hope you and your family are okay. My door is always open if you need to talk or simply need someone to listen.

 

Have a good Easter"

 

I did not want to make it seem I knew any more details besides that I know things are going on with the family, despite whatever she's done and even if she doesn't reply I don't care. I feel bad for her because she's spent most of her 30's taking care of her parents.

[Steven1]

Had been about 7/8 weeks of NC for me, ex girlfriend got in touch with me last night via text to say sorry if she had hurt me etc and actually after texting back and forth a few times I got the real reasons as to why the relationship ended.

 

Where we go from here I don't know. It was a pretty clean break up it was the aftermath that was the worst for me. I think we may see what the future brings.

[BC1980]

Hi, everyone.

 

My Sister recently told me that my ex-girlfriends Father has been took into hospital and things are not looking so good for him, I knew while we were together he had a few years left in him but I suppose his time is now coming to an end.

 

I sent my ex an e-mail instead of a text, simply saying;

 

"I hope you and your family are okay. My door is always open if you need to talk or simply need someone to listen.

 

Have a good Easter"

 

I did not want to make it seem I knew any more details besides that I know things are going on with the family, despite whatever she's done and even if she doesn't reply I don't care. I feel bad for her because she's spent most of her 30's taking care of her parents.

 

Consider this. Your ex has NOT told you that her dad is ill, so she doesn't think that you need to know and doesn't think you need to be an emotional support for her. Do you see what I'm getting at? IMO, it's usually never appropriate or helpful to be an emotional support for an ex. Especially if you have recently broken, are still very emotional, and some nasty things have happened in the wake of the breakup (I'm thinking about the texts from her friends and the slashed tires).

 

Let me say that I do understand the feeling of still being a part of this person's family even though you are not. My grandmother died shortly after my ex dumped me, but I never told him anything about the funeral because I was worried he might try to show up at it. Death and illness bring out very difficult emotions, and adding an ex into the mix make things much worse IMO. My ex knew my grandmother fairly well, so she wasn't just a random relative to him. But still, I did not mention the funeral to him. It's difficult to draw the line and extricate yourself from an ex's family after a breakup. You have to make decisions that seem weird and unnatural, but those decisions are part of your new reality.

 

It's okay to feel bad for her from a distance, and it might even be appropriate to send a card if he dies. But I'd suggest all of this from a very far distance. When she broke up with you, she decided that you were no longer necessary as an emotional support. She decided that you were no longer necessary to her life at all, and she decided to go it alone. She can bear the consequences of that choice (or maybe there are no consequences). She has friends and family that provide support.

[Apparition]

Consider this. Your ex has NOT told you that her dad is ill, so she doesn't think that you need to know and doesn't think you need to be an emotional support for her. Do you see what I'm getting at? IMO, it's usually never appropriate or helpful to be an emotional support for an ex. Especially if you have recently broken, are still very emotional, and some nasty things have happened in the wake of the breakup (I'm thinking about the texts from her friends and the slashed tires).

 

Let me say that I do understand the feeling of still being a part of this person's family even though you are not. My grandmother died shortly after my ex dumped me, but I never told him anything about the funeral because I was worried he might try to show up at it. Death and illness bring out very difficult emotions, and adding an ex into the mix make things much worse IMO. My ex knew my grandmother fairly well, so she wasn't just a random relative to him. But still, I did not mention the funeral to him. It's difficult to draw the line and extricate yourself from an ex's family after a breakup. You have to make decisions that seem weird and unnatural, but those decisions are part of your new reality.

 

It's okay to feel bad for her from a distance, and it might even be appropriate to send a card if he dies. But I'd suggest all of this from a very far distance. When she broke up with you, she decided that you were no longer necessary as an emotional support. She decided that you were no longer necessary to her life at all, and she decided to go it alone. She can bear the consequences of that choice (or maybe there are no consequences). She has friends and family that provide support.

 

 

So you think I made a mistake?

 

My ex doesn't really necessarily have friends in the sense where she speaks to them openly about her personal life (parents illness) and I know this because I was with her for five years, she barely spoke to me about it but I was pretty much the only person she told WHEN/IF she chose to speak about it.

 

The reason I sent an e-mail instead of a text is because a text is immediate and on e-mail, she would have to log into that e-mail to read it. It's an e-mail address she made only for to talk to me on during her work hours so the chances are she might not even log into it and see it.

 

I have to admit I'm having a difficult time completely letting go, some things are bothering me like if she's involved with the whole tyre slashing and nasty text messages. But it shouldn't matter at this point. I go through these terrible emotions where I feel like I'll never find someone who blows her out of the water. : /

 

Anyone relate?

[BC1980]

So you think I made a mistake?

 

My ex doesn't really necessarily have friends in the sense where she speaks to them openly about her personal life (parents illness) and I know this because I was with her for five years, she barely spoke to me about it but I was pretty much the only person she told WHEN/IF she chose to speak about it.

 

The reason I sent an e-mail instead of a text is because a text is immediate and on e-mail, she would have to log into that e-mail to read it. It's an e-mail address she made only for to talk to me on during her work hours so the chances are she might not even log into it and see it.

 

I have to admit I'm having a difficult time completely letting go, some things are bothering me like if she's involved with the whole tyre slashing and nasty text messages. But it shouldn't matter at this point. I go through these terrible emotions where I feel like I'll never find someone who blows her out of the water. : /

 

Anyone relate?

 

Do I think you made a mistake? Time will tell, but I don't think you did anything to help yourself. I think that it's difficult to discern what your true motives are when you are this emotional and bogged down in the grief process. I go back to my original statement. If she felt she wanted you to know and needed you for emotional support, she would have reached out. The fact that she broke up with you automatically means she doesn't think you are necessary for emotional support and doesn't want you going through life's difficulties with her. That's some tough food for thought, but there it is.

 

I think what will most likely happen is that if she does respond to you, it will be very short. I don't think she will want to use you for emotional comfort because she doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. All of that will probably make you feel worse and will magnify the fact that you are no longer a part of her life or her family. You aren't on the inside anymore. You aren't privy to what goes on, and it hurts to face that. If you are serious about NC, you really must think wisely and making any contact because is almost always opens up a can of worms no matter how benign you may think it is. She might actually think you are overstepping your bounds or keeping tabs on her.

[jsdifjf]

I'm really tired of this back and forth. A few days ago I was sure I'd never contact her again... and today I'm as close as reaching out as I was in the first week of NC. For some irrational reasons my heart is telling me to try one last time, even though I know I shouldn't.

 

Anyways i've come a long way NC but today I have the urge to break it today. Should I ?. I feel like I want to just tell him that I understand his reasoning for breaking up and that I didn't want things to end on such a bad note. Should I? Im over a month NC?. HELPPPPP me guys. Maybe I want to reach out because I still have a little bit of hope. I don't even know but it's probably not a good idea. what do you guys think?

 

And so shouldn't you, kzar. I hope you haven't done so already?

 

Did your ex reply to your email, Apparition?

[kztar]

I'm really tired of this back and forth. A few days ago I was sure I'd never contact her again... and today I'm as close as reaching out as I was in the first week of NC. For some irrational reasons my heart is telling me to try one last time, even though I know I shouldn't.

 

 

 

And so shouldn't you, kzar. I hope you haven't done so already?

 

Did your ex reply to your email, Apparition?

 

I didn't do it. Im sticking to my guns and I come to this forum to remember WHY I shouldn't do it. Im slowly progressing even dating again. Whohoo.

 

Do not try one last time, it will set you back to square one. It's so bad. When I did it the last time, I felt like it made me feel so much better, then I was set back like 20 steps. Weekends is when it hits me harder. I wake up and immediately I want to reach out because I used to wake up next to him. As soon as saturday hits, I have that urge but i've been fighting it. It will pass.

 

NC for over a month and I feel better.

 

Appartition, I know it's hard but you're going to have to let this woman go for good. This will only hurt YOU. Imagine she's dating someone else and you want to provide her with emotional support?. You will be suffering. WE don't want that for you. We all want to move forward. Only time will tell if you did the right thing but, honestly probably not.

 

I know my ex's grandmother will not last very long because she has a disease that is moving forward FAST. God forbid she passes away, I will not reach out to ANYONE. Not him, not his family, his sister NO ONE. Under any circumstances. He made the choice to kick me to the curb and that means that him and his family are DEAD to me and im also dead to them. Sorry but I am sticking to NC no matter the circumstances. Protect YOU 100.

[BC1980]

I'm really tired of this back and forth. A few days ago I was sure I'd never contact her again... and today I'm as close as reaching out as I was in the first week of NC. For some irrational reasons my heart is telling me to try one last time, even though I know I shouldn't.

 

 

 

And so shouldn't you, kzar. I hope you haven't done so already?

 

Did your ex reply to your email, Apparition?

 

Your emotions will fluctuate. One day, you will feel you never want to contact her again. The next day, something will trigger the want to contact her. If you ride the waves, you will eventually come to a place that none of this is even an issue.

[kztar]

Broke no contact and I am furious. Im not mad at the fact that I broke NC but because I finally got my closure. It has been two months and guess what ?. He has his new b**ch like I suspected. I broke NC by going to his IG page and there was a pic of them two as his main pic on IG. Im furious because I am 99 percent sure this b**ch has been on the picture for a while. When I was still in the picture. When things went down, I asked him if there was someone else in the picture. What's so hard about being honest. Some of these dumpers are too immature and need to grow some real balls. I sent him a few text messages letting him know a few truths and now im back to NC.

 

Death to him and his new b**ch.

[LD1990]

Broke no contact and I am furious. Im not mad at the fact that I broke NC but because I finally got my closure. It has been two months and guess what ?. He has his new b**ch like I suspected. I broke NC by going to his IG page and there was a pic of them two as his main pic on IG. Im furious because I am 99 percent sure this b**ch has been on the picture for a while. When I was still in the picture. When things went down, I asked him if there was someone else in the picture. What's so hard about being honest. Some of these dumpers are too immature and need to grow some real balls. I sent him a few text messages letting him know a few truths and now im back to NC.

 

Death to him and his new b**ch.

 

I feel for you kztar, I strongly suspect my ex-girlfriend was flirting with a guy in her classes before breaking up with me (she says he's gay, I have my doubts). When I sent her a text about picking up her things from my apartment, she called me back from a different number because her phone wasn't working. Looked up the number on Facebook, who is it but her "gay friend?" It certainly makes you feel rage like never before.

 

Your ex is a coward and his little rebound will never last. Just be glad you can see him for what he truly is now - a pathetic little boy not fit for a real relationship.

[kztar]

I feel for you kztar, I strongly suspect my ex-girlfriend was flirting with a guy in her classes before breaking up with me (she says he's gay, I have my doubts). When I sent her a text about picking up her things from my apartment, she called me back from a different number because her phone wasn't working. Looked up the number on Facebook, who is it but her "gay friend?" It certainly makes you feel rage like never before.

 

Your ex is a coward and his little rebound will never last. Just be glad you can see him for what he truly is now - a pathetic little boy not fit for a real relationship.

 

Yeah im starting to see the real him and finally taking him off that pedestal I had him in. I dodged a bullet without even realizing it. He's def a pathetic little boy not fit what so ever for a real relationship. Just like anyone I had my own flaws but seriously nothing like that.

 

The new girl must be pathetic as well because I would not date someone who left their former girlfriend to be with me, or someone who caught feelings while being in a relationship.

 

That goes to show you that any day, anytime, they would do the same to you.

 

PATHETIC!!!

[dyna85]

Yeah im starting to see the real him and finally taking him off that pedestal I had him in. I dodged a bullet without even realizing it. He's def a pathetic little boy not fit what so ever for a real relationship. Just like anyone I had my own flaws but seriously nothing like that.

 

The new girl must be pathetic as well because I would not date someone who left their former girlfriend to be with me, or someone who caught feelings while being in a relationship.

 

That goes to show you that any day, anytime, they would do the same to you.

 

PATHETIC!!!

 

You go girl. This is the truth and you are on the right path. That is so lame that he posted a pic of him and this other girl. So so lame too. Wow.

[kztar]

You go girl. This is the truth and you are on the right path. That is so lame that he posted a pic of him and this other girl. So so lame too. Wow.

 

I know, it is very lame. But then again, he was always lame. He did the same things with me, things moved way too fast, within weeks he told me he loved me and bla bla bla, those are all red flags. In reality you have no idea who the person really is until a few months later. SMH.

[Apparition]

kztar, I'm very sorry this happened to you.

 

At least now you can get on with your life knowing there is no going back. I suspect you will feel rage, possibly even hurt and it's something you'll have to deal with until you feel okay enough to say positively you are ready to move on completely. I am also sure that your ex-boyfriend is someone who needs his bruised ego rubbed and that's exactly why he has this new girl so quickly. People who tend to move on so fast are usually insecure and "need" someone, those relationships do not last long whatsoever.

 

Focus on healing now and trying to be happy. You deserve it.

[kztar]

kztar, I'm very sorry this happened to you.

 

At least now you can get on with your life knowing there is no going back. I suspect you will feel rage, possibly even hurt and it's something you'll have to deal with until you feel okay enough to say positively you are ready to move on completely. I am also sure that your ex-boyfriend is someone who needs his bruised ego rubbed and that's exactly why he has this new girl so quickly. People who tend to move on so fast are usually insecure and "need" someone, those relationships do not last long whatsoever.

 

Focus on healing now and trying to be happy. You deserve it.

 

Hi Apparition. How are you holding up, it's been a while but not that many post so again I hope we're all moving forward.

 

Now I know for SURE there is no going back and no hope what so ever. I think that although this would have hurt me from the start, I would of moved on quicker. Anyway, I don't wish him well or bad, but it hurts me. Im still in a much better place than two months ago.

[Dis]

Yeah im starting to see the real him and finally taking him off that pedestal I had him in. I dodged a bullet without even realizing it. He's def a pathetic little boy not fit what so ever for a real relationship. Just like anyone I had my own flaws but seriously nothing like that.

 

The new girl must be pathetic as well because I would not date someone who left their former girlfriend to be with me, or someone who caught feelings while being in a relationship.

 

That goes to show you that any day, anytime, they would do the same to you.

 

PATHETIC!!!

 

Hi kztar! I'm so sorry to hear that! Your heart mustve dropped into your stomach when you saw that pic! You mentioned your dating again. Now this is just my take on your choice to resume dating so please do correct me if I'm wrong. #1 -You got upset at seeing your ex with another girl #2-You were so upset you actually broke NC.

Are you sure youre ready to date? If you have any lingering feelings for your ex and still feel the need to contact him for whatever reason, I dont know if dating is a good idea. Its kind of like slapping a bandaid on a gaping wound and trying to forget its there.

Again, if you disagree, I respect that. I'm just looking out for you because it can be counter productive to date when you havent fully let go of your ex. I dont want you to delay your healing process by jumping the gun.