No contact -- how to keep that up?

[Nivy]

Hello everybody! I never thought a forum could be so inspiring. Yesterday out of the blue I sent my ex an email plainly asking if everything was alright. As usual I got no reply. I am back to square one of NC. And this time I'm gonna make it work. Not to get us back together but to recover from this situation. All of this is driving me crazy.....constant hopes of he might someday actually come back and all......I want to get rid of it all. I am not able to concentrate on anything because of this and this is actually ruining my studies.

I am changing password, deleting his numbers and blocking him on every possible place. My only fear is, I know his email id and maybe someday again out of the blue I might contact him. I need to forget him. I want to forget him.

[kztar]

I am the biggest moron there is.

 

*DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT*

 

 

First off I'd like to thank everyone for your replies and kind words, your support is greatly appreciated and honestly, you guys are better support than my own "friends". So thank you very much.

 

Secondly, I am writing this out now because I did something terribly stupid, more than stupid. I did the ultimate worst thing I could ever do and I broke NC. Here is what happened;

 

After the whole store experience I was feeling rather down and analyzing the situation. I was trying to fight the urge to contact her, I went downstairs to make some dinner and when I was finished I noticed my phone was buzzing a lot from upstairs. I thought something was wrong with my Mother, so I quickly went upstairs to check my phone and it was silly Whatsapp group notifications. My "friends" re-added me to the group conversation to ask me if we could all hang out. I was reading the texts, scrolled down to text that I wasn't in the mood to hangout and as soon as I sent the message, my ex's name popped up in the group chat. She wrote out two sentences (not saying a word to me or acknowledging I am there) before saying, "Well, alright. Have a good day, ciao!". She left the group conversation and I breathed a sigh of relief. I was glad she was gone because seeing her there made my heart feel like it was sinking into it's own grave.

 

After half an hour she was re-added back to the group. She was implying she was having a bad day and a long week to one of her friends. I felt sorry for her in that moment and something in my head said, "do it, just message her". So I did. I messaged her in a separate window to talk to her alone. I said, "Glad to see you I was worried about you". She read my message, but did not reply and was still talking in the group chat. So my idiotic self decided to say, "Ouch. Being ignored, well it's good to see you could be civil". She responded to that with, "Stop. I am not here for you I have no desire to talk to you. You're not my friend nor will we ever be friends, you're intent on being a brick" (should be a P not a b but I am having my comments moderated so did not want to cuss and I'm trying to show the whole picture here).

 

This made me incredibly angry, I replied to her saying, "Wow, it's been two weeks and you're STILL mad over something I never did." -- Needless to say, we argued. She left the group chat when I said that and the thing that hurt me the most is when near the end of the argument , she got REALLY nasty in a way I have never seen her before. She was cussing at me, calling me selfish, a bully, a creep, a psycho, a manipulative weirdo. I responded by saying, "Wow, you really are a nasty piece of work. All I will say is both of us are to blame for how our relationship ended, I refuse to take all of the blame because you had a part in it too. Things could have been different, but you chose to end it. That is not my fault. Nor does it make me a bully, selfish, all of the things you called me. Just do one thing, please in future, do not do this to another guy who tries to love you because it hurts and it messes with peoples heads."

 

This..."If I move on he will be NOTHING like you, he will be better than you."

 

Her response....not only did it hurt but it gave me the anger I needed to bury my feelings for her under a pile of resentment, dislike, betrayal and so on. I simply said this to her, "good luck finding him" and she started using caps lock to say how hard she has it and how I am a bully blahblah. I did not respond after that. It was enough for me to say, no, I do not deserve this. I deserve better than this. I just feel so stupid for breaking NC and now I am at square one again but this time I am more angry than hurt. I hope the anger stays until the pain underneath it disappears.

 

I also want to add this;

 

My ex is 37 going on 38 this year. She is reaching for her 40's and I am 27 years old. I've been with her for a total of five years and age was never a problem but looking back on things now I realize that no one could ever love my ex the way I did because I accepted her for who she is, not what I wanted her to be. She could not have children and I was completely fine with that, I loved her for who she is and it never bothered me. She has never been married, she has always been more focused on her career which is now falling apart because she no longer wants that career. She takes care of both of her ill parents who rely on her 24/7. I supported her through all of that.

 

She had ex-boyfriends who beat her, abused her, cheated on her, one that stalked her and wanted to literally kill her. Her ex before me wrote her a letter when they were together because he wanted to watch her with another man in bed. All of these things I have NEVER done. I treated her really good during our relationship, I was there for her, I supported her, I accepted her for who she is and loved her for it. That is HER loss, entirely her loss.

 

She will most likely love again, but she certainly won't be loved back in the way I loved her. HER loss. Yes, I broke NC but I learned something from it. I learned I deserve better and she wasn't as special as I thought she was. She was just another ex-girlfriend who hurt me and decided to end our relationship. So don't do it, guys, don't break no contact. If they are pleading, begging, asking for you back, good. Let them sweat it out and if they really care, they'll make the effort to get you back.

 

Sometimes breaking NC sets you back at square one but you realize what you really meant to them. Remember I told you I broke NC and I was blocked and treated like garbage. When I have the urge to break NC I think and focus on all the other things such as how I was poorly treated, prior and after the breakup. You will go through anger, desperation and everything else. But you will push through. Unfortunately there are some situations which are not goof for us and basically are temptations to break NC. You unfortunately were placed on one of those.

 

Continue to heal and move forward. Someone like this is not deserving of your time and love. I was called needy, clingy and all this other things. How Can someone not be needy when they are not getting anything. In reality my needs were not being meet at all, not me being needy. Man one step at a time.

[TheScientist]

Day six no contact.

 

He hasn't messaged either. I am really focusing on keeping myself and my mind busy but I can't help wondering where he has gone. I know it's not my place to care, but I keep thinking, is there someone else keeping him busy? Tell me, be honest, I need to hear it, I need to feel angry, I have been too kind, to understanding for too long.

 

I'm a complete mess, keep getting angry, then sad, then crying, then losing my temper at everything little thing, I'm finding it really hard to hold it together.

 

I cried myself to sleep last night, I am feeling very sad and weak, that said, I won't message him. His words about me always messaging first is at the forefront of my mind, I know NC is right for me and that what I am feeling is normal, I must take the good days with the bad, but it's so hard.

 

I need to learn to be without him, I need to heal, but all I want to do today is cry and scream.

 

I feel so alone.

[Jasejasejase]

Guess what guys? I broke no contact too today ... Sent some emails (deleted everything else but no her address from memory) no reply. Have a funny feeling she's just blocked me. You know im so disappointed in myself. I am so influenced by the good memories that i can't see the glaringly obvious in front of my face. I wish there was a switch ... Click ... I forget about her.

 

Apparition .. Again thank you for your wise words. I can see she's made you angry .. Im sure you know that when the anger dies down there will be pain too. Keep posting:

 

The Scientist ... I feel alone too. It truly sucks doesn't IT

[Nivy]

Guess what guys? I broke no contact too today ... Sent some emails (deleted everything else but no her address from memory) no reply. Have a funny feeling she's just blocked me. You know im so disappointed in myself. I am so influenced by the good memories that i can't see the glaringly obvious in front of my face. I wish there was a switch ... Click ... I forget about her.

 

Apparition .. Again thank you for your wise words. I can see she's made you angry .. Im sure you know that when the anger dies down there will be pain too. Keep posting:

 

The Scientist ... I feel alone too. It truly sucks doesn't IT

@Jasejasejase

I know it does.....even I wish there was a permanent cure of heartbreak. I guess we both are back at square one. Even my ex didn't reply to me. It kills. How can people be so mean??? This was not the person I fell in love with. When I was with him I really thought he was different. But I guess that was just a phase.

I need to control myself.....i need to stop browsing his profile......i need to control the urge to contact him. I wish I could behave exactly the way he is behaving by not caring. But in the end of the day we are all emotional fools. Sometimes I think "Was it just me who loved?". All these situations are literally driving me crazy!

Vowing not to contact him again. Deleted his contact numbers. But I don't know what I'll do coz I still remember his mail id.

Anyways, good luck to you.....you are not alone.....we all are in this together and remember "TIME HEALS EVERYTHING". Warm Hug

[Jasejasejase]

P.s I know why I did btw. I found out last night there's a chance I might have prostate cancer and have to have an MRI. Being alone, I just wanted her so much. I didn't tell her why I was back in contact ... As didn't want that to be a reason for her to message me.,

 

So pathetic and feel so lonely . Im not overly religious but I have looked up, wondering why I have to go through depression, loneliness, illness ... All this by myself. I know there are people out there going through much worse ... I know ok ... But come on, give me a break

 

Oh and it would help if every single thing I look at didn't remind me of her

[ldridge12]

4 months in no contact strong. No looking back. I do miss her at times and got love for her but she treated me like **** at the end during the toughest period of my life. While I still think about her daily, I know there's no going back. I learned from it but have also treated the time like it never existed.

[Apparition]

So here I am again with another update.

 

 

That mutual friend I all told you about who blocked me, well, she decided to text me out of the blue telling me to go F myself and calling me a d*ck and such. I am guessing she did this because my ex said something to her about our conversation where I told her she can keep our friends because I want nothing to do with any of them. I am very surprised she had the audacity to take offense to this after blocking me.

[BC1980]

So here I am again with another update.

 

 

That mutual friend I all told you about who blocked me, well, she decided to text me out of the blue telling me to go F myself and calling me a d*ck and such. I am guessing she did this because my ex said something to her about our conversation where I told her she can keep our friends because I want nothing to do with any of them. I am very surprised she had the audacity to take offense to this after blocking me.

 

That's pathetic. I hope you didn't respond.

[Apparition]

That's pathetic. I hope you didn't respond.

 

 

I did not, but it's weird that they are even talking about me in the first place when neither of them didn't have a care in the world for me.

 

Would rather just be left in peace without all this noise.

[kztar]

I did not, but it's weird that they are even talking about me in the first place when neither of them didn't have a care in the world for me.

 

Would rather just be left in peace without all this noise.

 

Seems like a group of toxic people left and right.

[Apparition]

How are you doing, kztar?

[kztar]

How are you doing, kztar?

 

Im alright im hanging in there. Is such a beautiful day in NYC and the worst I feel. I look back at what we were doing this time of the year last year and it's killing me inside. I have maintained NC and will keep it that way. Im very angry though at the situation. I keep thinking to myself what a waste of my time and my energy. I wish i could take all of it back but I can't. I know I shouldnt be thinking about him but I can't help to think how he is having the time of his life while im sitting here just being miserable until who knows when these emotions will fade.

 

How are you?

[jsdifjf]

Apparition, I can see there's been a lot going on. The way you've been handling things is very inspiring. Even if you did contact her, it seems you're now in a better place to move on. These situations also help us to realise who our true friends are. I too had to let go of a friendship that lasted 5 years, but the way this person acted towards me (and towards my ex for that matter, although she has no idea) was too much to handle. I'm glad you want to focus on things which make you happy. The pain won't disappear straight away, but it's a step in the right direction.

 

Nivy, it's great to see that you've made progress in the direction of moving on. Deciding to go NC is a huge improvement of your previous situation. It's not an easy journey, but you will benefit from it in the long run, I'm sure. We're still all learning on how to go about it, but we will figure it out step by step. One day after the other.

 

TheScientist, this describes exactly the way I was feeling during the first week of NC: "I'm a complete mess, keep getting angry, then sad, then crying, then losing my temper at everything little thing, I'm finding it really hard to hold it together. I cried myself to sleep last night, I am feeling very sad and weak, that said, I won't message him." My emotions are now much more balanced. I still cry sometimes, I still get angry, but in general my mood doesn't change that much anymore and I feel a bit more at piece. So hang in there, it will get better.

 

Disillusionment373, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my posts. I've learned a lot of things from your replies. They made me look at everything that has happened, but not in the way that I used to. A lot of things that seemed wonderful to me at the time, now appear to be clear red flags. Examples:

- She said certain things way too soon.

- She texted me non-stop and it was always filled with emotionally intense talk.

- She went as far as to say I was turning into her drug. (this might be one of the biggest ones)

 

Instead we should be asking ourselves, "Do I like this person?" "Is this person right for me?" "Is this person capable of having the type of relationship I want?"

 

Yes, I really liked this person and yes, I did believe her to be right for me. To a certain extent I still believe we could be right for each other in the future, when she is more mature (although I probably shouldn't hold on to this thought). However, it's the third question that could've made all the difference. It's there that I always failed in my past relationships. It's so difficult to be honest with yourself, although deep down you know the answer. No, she wasn't able to give me the relationship I wanted, at least not at this point in her life. I need to get to a point, in which I'm able to answer that question with a no and move on until I find someone who can. Any update on your situation? How's your rabbit doing?

 

It's day 17 for me (I think?) and I think there's been some progress. I spent way too much time obsessing over what happened, talking to friends and researching the internet to find answers, to try and understand why she acted the why she acted. I found endless possibilities and it took me a while to understand that really... it doesn't matter. I won't be able to come to a conclusion. And even if I did, it wouldn't change a thing. It seems my brain somehow accepted this as a truth now and I've been focusing my attention more on myself. I've been researching less about our relationship/the break-up and more about self-acceptance and self-love. I've been doing activities that I enjoy and even managed to spend time with my friends without feeling the need to talk about her. That being said, I still miss her every day. Tomorrow is a very important day for me (I don't really want to go into details) and I feel scared. I feel the urge to reach out and tell her about it, because if it was weeks ago we would be talking about this right now. Instead I'm posting here.

 

At everyone: I'm sending you all my best wishes. We will get through this. We will find someone who loves us back. And, more importantly, we will feel whole again and love ourselves.

 

And kztar,

I think that eventually we will all reach that point where enough is ENOUGH. We are humans, who deserve respect and one way or the other these EX's have not given us that. Keep up the good work. Keep posting and lets keep moving forward. EVERYONE. I hope that one year from now we all visit this thread and share our progress.

I hope so too.

[enchanted771]

So, I am having a little trouble with NC -- though I took some necessary steps to ensure I do not contact my ex-girlfriend.

 

I asked a family member who knows a lot about computers to block some content on my laptop which will restrict me from checking up on my ex.

 

I felt this was a necessary step for me and would recommend it to anyone trying to maintain NC.

 

However, I am not sure about anyone else but I have this little voice in my head who argues with the logical side of me and it's doing my head in.

 

How do/did you keep up with NC and how difficult was it for you?

I am in the same boat. This is actually only day 1 NC for me and it so hard for me but necessary. I know if I reach back to him it will not resolve or change anything, and it his issue not mine so I have to stay away. He needs to recognize that what he did was wrong...which he never may which is fine. But I wont lose my dignity over it. I have to just try and keep busy...been through it before. The first 2 weeks are the hardest. Then it gets easier.

[Apparition]

Im alright im hanging in there. Is such a beautiful day in NYC and the worst I feel. I look back at what we were doing this time of the year last year and it's killing me inside. I have maintained NC and will keep it that way. Im very angry though at the situation. I keep thinking to myself what a waste of my time and my energy. I wish i could take all of it back but I can't. I know I shouldnt be thinking about him but I can't help to think how he is having the time of his life while im sitting here just being miserable until who knows when these emotions will fade.

 

How are you?

 

 

I noticed you said he is lingering in your life in another thread -- has he been in touch? Also, I am sorry you feel down and are struggling. Please hang in there. It does get worse before it gets better but it's important to know that it's a good sign when it gets worse because it can only get better from there. This is the first day where I've been crying literally every hour or so and I'm not the type of guy to cry. We go through stages of grief where it's denial, shock, anger, hurt, depression and finally acceptance. From then on it gets better, when that day comes exactly I don't know but I keep hoping it is sooner than later.

[kztar]

Hey man yeah it's been pretty tough. A day by day process but at least I have energy. So no my ex is not around. He hates me and I don't think that he will ever contact me and honestly my desire to contact him becomes less and less everyday as I think of all the stuff I put myself through because of his lack of honesty. Things didn't have to end the way they did if he would of been honest about his feelings since the start but no instead he strung me along for MONTHS, until we had no fix to share his feelings. Anyway that "hope" I had of one day reconnecting with him (because we all have it) unfortunately, it's also fading. I did very wrong in allowing someone to treat me in that manner. I'm not perfect but I'm also human. Anyways the one lingering around is my ex ex from college. We dated for three years and he also broke my heart back then, but it wasn't as serious as this because hello we were in college, young, and living the life. I went away for school so getting over that breakup was slightly easier as there was ALWAYS something to keep me busy. Literally 24 hours a day as of where now, im a grown ass woman and I don't have distractions available 24/7 like campus hangouts, friends who live across the hall, parties everyday etc. the only thing was it was hard to maintain NC because we went to the same school so we always ended up bumping into each other after a month or two and he would be like "I'm sorry, I love you , I miss you let's try again" and I would fall for the stupidity. He finally graduated because he is 3 years older than me and we went NC. Because we shared amor of times and memories although a lot of bad ones two he will always hold a special place in my heart. We were together through thick and thin and always survived. If it wasn't because he is a wreck, I'm pretty sure we would be looking into getting married by now but I had enough of his craziness and that's dead. He always calls me and texts me to tell me he loves me, that I'm the girl of his dreams, that he misses me taking care of him and to hang out and bla bla bla. He says in his woman lol like I said this guy is crazy lol. My friends believe I should not entertain him because he hurt me and they feel like he doesn't deserve to even be part of my life at all. I forgave him and I just don't care so him lingering doesn't affect me. However, the problem is I think I should go NC with him too because I need to quit being so nice. This person caused me pain and a lot of it. I think the problem is that I forgot how much this hurts. After this relationship I learned that I must NEVER EVER forget the pain I'm experiencing to make better choices in the future. Anyhow that's my story . By the way he wants to hang out tomorrow, I'm still debating because he can be a good distraction for this other ex m...

 

What do you think? How are you feeling today? Also cry a lot eventually you'll have nothing left

[TheScientist]

Day eight guys!!!

 

 

He hasn't messaged me either, which actually hurts more than it should.

 

Guess it goes to show, if i didn't make the effort then he would bother.

Edited March 10, 2016 by TheScientist

[PLT]

Day 3 for me, and I'm so tempted, but no. Not this time.

[TheScientist]

Day 3 for me, and I'm so tempted, but no. Not this time.

 

Don't do itttttt!

 

I have wanted to so much but I am controlling the urge, if anything it's therapy in itself to see how little effort they make without you initiating it.

 

It makes you feel a little worthless for a bit, but then I remind myself that i'm taking in the reigns, he will no longer be in control of who I am and how I feel.

 

Have a therapy appt tomorrow which will only encourage me to proceed, she is going to be so proud of me, mostly because when I left last week I was an absolute mess and she was worried about me, and now TA DA, not messaged for over a week!!!

 

 

xxxx

Edited March 10, 2016 by TheScientist

[kztar]

don't do itttttt!

 

I have wanted to so much but i am controlling the urge, if anything it's therapy in itself to see how little effort they make without you initiating it.

 

It makes you feel a little worthless for a bit, but then i remind myself that i'm taking in the reigns, he will no longer be in control of who i am and how i feel.

 

Have a therapy appt tomorrow which will only encourage me to proceed, she is going to be so proud of me, mostly because when i left last week i was an absolute mess and she was worried about me, and now ta da, not messaged for over a week!!!

 

 

Xxxx

 

dont do it

[andie1969]

Day 4 here...I can't help but wonder if HE is also struggling with not contacting me. I mean, he DID dump me, so I'm sure he's not feeling as low as I am, but there has to be some void in his life too.

[Nivy]

Hello everyone......its been around 3 weeks since he left and its my day 4 of NC. Yep I couldn't control the urge and texted him and as usual got no reply.

Then somehow I made myself understand that I deserve better and since then I'm trying my best to avoid looking into his social media profile and all. Today I visited his profile and found him sorta flirting. His conversations were like this with a girl :-

 

He: Watching the cricket match?

The Girl: No....my TV is not working. Take me to your home to watch the match :laugh::laugh:

He: Coming right away!

The Girl: Awwwww!

 

This just broke me down! I know I shouldn't overthink and this is the first time I have seen him talk to this girl and this conversation is making me think those things that I don't want to think. How can people hurt so much? Did I mean nothing to him? Did he move on this fast????

[kztar]

Nivy, you are back at SQUARE one. Im going to give you some tough love but you have GOT TO STOP this. For YOU. GO NC and post here and look here if you have urge.

[Nivy]

@kztar this whole convo has got my head spinning. I am sooooo depressed right now. I have this uncontrollable urge of asking him whats all these but then again I'll look stupid!