sweetlips2201 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I'm new and would never have imagined myself being in a separation or divorce forum. My background, I'm a career woman with a son and has been married for almost 10 years (if we were to count this year as still being married). During the years being married, there were infidelities from done with my best friend and other married women. The marriage turned dull and sour (very much) mid to late last year. The husband said he was done with the marriage because this is what he wanted before but not anymore and that also, he had changed. I was so blindsided through it all because I thought we were working things out and choosing to forgive him everyday. He said that he does not want to pretend and lie anything about our lives anymore. I am floored and devastated by these admissions. He also mentioned that I'm controlling esp with our finances and I don't treat his family well. (Background, I grew up with a financial savvy parents and I learned from them well while his family is struggling all the time...talking about...asking for gas and grocery money even if they all have jobs.) Now, he's dating a divorced woman with 3 kids. He knew how much I wanted to have another kid. Most of all, I am left to deal with things...filing for a divorce, raising a child with him, figuring out our financial stuff because he wouldn't do it and if I don't do it then it just makes my life harder. I can't shake the feelings that things are just unfair and I am having a hard time moving past that he's now dating even if we haven't even filed for a divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 (edited) That sounds pretty over. I could suggest martial counseling, but with multiple affairs and that kind of attitude, it sounds like the time for that was long ago. There is controlling other people in a manipulative way, and then there's taking control of things and stuff (like finances) and getting things done. Don't let him confuse the two. If he can't and won't get his end of things together, you're probably going to have to make this happen yourself. More taking control of things and stuff to get them done. Consult some local attorneys, choose one. It's important that you not just start to close out accounts or divide stuff up. You need to follow the advice of an attorney. The attorney should tell you what information is needed and what steps should be taken. This isn't something you can just go off and do on your own anyway, because it's got to be done legally and correctly. If you have joint accounts, ask how to document and protect what's in them. Start keeping a journal. Record the the time you spend taking care of the son and time he spends taking care of the son. Write what the activities and interaction were. Particularly, if you do most of the parenting and child care, it will be important to have that documented. If you have a camera, turn on the date/time stamp so that the date and time are imprinted on each picture. Use that to document the child care as well. Hopefully things stay amicable. It's great to hope for the best as long as you're prepared for the worst as well. How old is the son? Edit: I could add, I've seen others say that if you are the one to file, you have more control. Apparently there are things at various stages that require the person who filed first to do something for it to move forward. So if he doesn't get things done or would intentionally drag his feet, it might be important for you to be the one who files first. That's another good question for an attorney. . Edited February 23, 2016 by testmeasure 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetlips2201 Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 Thanks Testmeasure! That sure made sense and you're not the first one to suggest a lawyer but I think I would have to. We're trying to do it as amicable as possible but I'm afraid that since he's dating a divorced woman, that he's getting all the tricks of the trade in this field. He still does his parent duties so I think it's a good thing but the legal stuff, I doubt that he'll do it. Just the way he is in our marriage...like...he would have a goal but then I would have to figure out the details to make that goal happen...at least that's how I see it. He doesn't believe in counseling either so even if I suggested that we work things out, he wouldn't budge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Well, the parenting journal and date/time stamped photos are your ace in the hole to level the playing field if he plays some trick on the custody. I'm less sure of what to do if you've got sizeable accounts where you both have joint access. Our stuff was pretty well protected going into the divorce, so it wasn't an issue. It sounds like you are the one who is able to get things done. That's unfair. But in this case, you're taking care of that unfairness in the process of getting this thing done. It is possible for both of you to use a single lawyer to just make sure everything is written up properly. However, it almost sounds like if I was you, I might want my own attorney looking out specifically for my interest to prevent any more of that unfairness from creeping in. I'm not an attorney, that's just the sense I get from what you've written. . Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 If you still want him, just don't file. I'll bet you he won't either. He may very well come running back after he's sowed his wild oats and is done with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetlips2201 Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 I had that in mind but it's also a battle within thinking how long could I endure it esp of he cheated several times. Plus, he goes on dates with our son "playdates" since the other woman has kids. Our son (6) feels like he is lying when he can't tell me what's going on with his day. It's almost like genetics since my in laws are doing the same thing with their wives. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 If you still want him, just don't file. I'll bet you he won't either. He may very well come running back after he's sowed his wild oats and is done with that. Much respect to you popsicle, but why in the world would the OP do this? Let him have sex with others and wait patiently for him to "finish" and come back to plan b? The only thing that is unfair, is that you wasted so much time with a seriel cheater. Look in the mirror. Find your worth, your value. It is there. Not in him, but in you. You are a career woman, You can handle your business. You can certainly love again. And chose wisely next time. Do not give this fool one more day, not one more hour, not one more second. Yes he will come back around, when he has been disposed of as unworthy, but are you less than unworthy? Do you not deserve to be respected? To be honored and valued? Wait until he has "finished" fkuing others? Oh Hell No. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 Much respect to you popsicle, but why in the world would the OP do this? Let him have sex with others and wait patiently for him to "finish" and come back to plan b? The only thing that is unfair, is that you wasted so much time with a seriel cheater. Look in the mirror. Find your worth, your value. It is there. Not in him, but in you. You are a career woman, You can handle your business. You can certainly love again. And chose wisely next time. Do not give this fool one more day, not one more hour, not one more second. Yes he will come back around, when he has been disposed of as unworthy, but are you less than unworthy? Do you not deserve to be respected? To be honored and valued? Wait until he has "finished" fkuing others? Oh Hell No. Of course, I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 I'm afraid that since he's dating a divorced woman, that he's getting all the tricks of the trade in this field Then it's time to level the playing field. Though of course, every case is different, so the value of any "advice" he picks up from her could be totally inapplicable to your case. See a lawyer. See several lawyers. See as many lawyers as you can. There are a few very good reasons to do this: - Many will do a free initial consultation so it costs you nothing - Seeing multiple lawyers, you pick up much more information in all your free half hours - The more you see, you get to compare how good they are - Every lawyer you see, he can't see, due to conflict of interest laws - You get a variety of opinions and can choose the one who you think can get you the best deal but the legal stuff, I doubt that he'll do it. He doesn't have to. You can get a divorce with or without his cooperation. If he's likely to be uncooperative then it's best to do it through a lawyer rather than attempting to DIY it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 I'm new and would never have imagined myself being in a separation or divorce forum. My background, I'm a career woman with a son and has been married for almost 10 years (if we were to count this year as still being married). During the years being married, there were infidelities from done with my best friend and other married women. The marriage turned dull and sour (very much) mid to late last year. The husband said he was done with the marriage because this is what he wanted before but not anymore and that also, he had changed. I was so blindsided through it all because I thought we were working things out and choosing to forgive him everyday. He said that he does not want to pretend and lie anything about our lives anymore. I am floored and devastated by these admissions. He also mentioned that I'm controlling esp with our finances and I don't treat his family well. (Background, I grew up with a financial savvy parents and I learned from them well while his family is struggling all the time...talking about...asking for gas and grocery money even if they all have jobs.) Now, he's dating a divorced woman with 3 kids. He knew how much I wanted to have another kid. Most of all, I am left to deal with things...filing for a divorce, raising a child with him, figuring out our financial stuff because he wouldn't do it and if I don't do it then it just makes my life harder. I can't shake the feelings that things are just unfair and I am having a hard time moving past that he's now dating even if we haven't even filed for a divorce. I'm sorry for your horrendous pain. You have been through the ringer. The A with a "friend" is double betrayal...my heart goes out you you. It's good you're ending this. There is someone out there who will appreciate your qualities. The cheating twice is on him not you! Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi2015 Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 If you still want him, just don't file. I'll bet you he won't either. He may very well come running back after he's sowed his wild oats and is done with that. But--it'll be bitter and unkind to her. She deserves to be loved in a manner that she'll be happier with. She wasn't at fault. He always had choices....divorcing was one, before he stepped out and decided to be an emotional tyrant. You can't be all things to all people and people shouldn't punish you for not you not being what they want/ need....they have choices. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ProdigalMe Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 You can't be all things to all people and people shouldn't punish you for not you not being what they want/ need....they have choices. Thank you, Gigi, for this insight on what the victims of cheaters don't deserve. Sometimes an idea rattles around inarticulately in my head, and then someone on LS expresses it clearly and concisely. Thank you! It's like hearing a bell ring. Link to post Share on other sites
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