I lost my cool

[smile]

So today I called and asked my ex to hang out. He didnt answer the phone. I figured ah he is at work so no biggie. Maybe his phone is off maybe he left it home, in the car, maybe he is thinking about it now biggie. And if he didnt call no biggie bc I said call if you wanna hang out or whatever.

 

But then here I come sign on to AIM figuring I would just chat a bit , watch a movie and get my laundry ready for tomorrow, no big whoop. He is here. And when I signed on , he signed off. That hurt. I mean if he didnt wanna hang out ok, but what the hell did I do to deserve THAT?

 

So stupid me, I txted him. I said "No call back and you sign off as soon as I sign on, I mustve done something awful. Whatever it is I hope you recover." and I turned off my phone. I also took him off my buddy list. I checked the mail, got the phone bill, I turned on the phone to tell him about the bill (txt) and then turned it off again.

 

Am I wrong to feel hurt? What did I do for that kind of reaction? I know I shoulda waited to see what was up, or not let it bother me... but it did. After he called yesterday and sounded so sad and I felt bad for not asking what was wrong.

 

I wasnt upset he didnt hang out. Honest. But it was that I didnt deserve any kind of communication at all. That sucked. I mean he can f*^k me on monday and i can help him clean his house, he can call on friday all sad and lonely, almost wounded that i hadnt called him, but today I dont exist?

 

Someone talk me down from this... I am so upset. And embarassed.

[ishouldgiveup]

I don't know your history. How long were you 2 together?

 

How long ago did you break up? Whose idea was it to break up?

 

It's possible he feels badly about the break-up, even if it was his idea, but he knows it's best and he doesn't want to get all friendly again because doing so will make it hard to move on.

 

Could have been that he was chatting with someone about problems he's having (you mentioned he was sad and down on Friday) and he just didn't want to have the conversation disrupted.

 

It's so hard to say but you've called, you've msg'd him....just leave him be, don't go sending him emails or msg's making a big deal out of this because that will just make you look desparate. You've reached out (calling), you confronted him with your msg about him logging off..........now let it go. And don't continue to have sex with him because that doesn't make any sense if you're no longer together.

[miss-gonewest]

You aren't wrong to feel hurt, but maybe you are feeling more angry rather than hurt? Hell I know I'd be miffed to get that reaction..

 

But the thing is, you don't know what is going through his head.... you can either call him up and very gently ask him what's going on his life, or you can leave it and not contact him till you calm down.

 

I don't know your background on why you split... I should go and read some of your posts to find out...

[smile]

So yeh I kinda felt bad after the initial freak out. I wound up sending him an email saying that I didnt know if his phone was still wigging out (bc it has been) but I wanted to make sure he got the msg about our phone bill. I also said that I hope everything is ok with him. The last time I was upset about him not ansering his phone or seemingly rushing me off the phone he told me he was having problems and he had been really upset and just felt trapped. Also kind of embarassed that it was his big grow up take care of myself stage and he feels like it is falling apart.

 

So anyway I just said I didnt know if he was ok or if I did do something. I explained that I asked him to hang out bc the night before he seemed like maybe he needed to talk. oh yeh and bc we have fun together. I said I know that he asked me not to take these things personally but it seemed compounded with the phone call and the signing off.. but it may have been nothing. And I understand that.

 

I said if he needed to talk I was here always. I told him to take care of himself and I said that I care about him. (not weird we say that to eachother all the time) I also said i wasnt butt hurt about him not hanging out.. wasnt a big deal (really) it was the reaction. So we will see how that goes over.

 

Umm his idea to break up kinda had a nervous breakdown.. we were together 3 years. We broke up in July of last year but stopped being together in September. Like one day we had a fight and he changed his status on his friendster from in a relationship to single... 2 months AFTER he broke up with me. But he never got over me and says I am the only person he has ever been in love with.

 

Anyway since thanksgiving we have kinda been together. I go to family functions and help him put together his new place.. he helped me move and put together my new place. We hung out together on new years and he called me on valentines day. We spent his bday together and mine is comming up.. we trained his dog together.

 

Our big issue was my inability to be away from him. I was needy and suspicious. He got defensive and never listened. By the end we were just a couple of disillusioned kids who resented eachother bc they couldnt be the ideal SO (we were both eachothers first love). But now we are both taking steps at being more of what the other needs. And he has been doing so well.. better than me.

 

I am getting better and he sees that too. But somedays weird things occur, like this. There is always a reasonable explination but he isnt my bf. So there doesnt HAVE to be an explination. And that is scary.

 

wow longer than i thought. thank you both for responding. i needed to hear that I wasnt crazy for being hurt or crazy for rationalizing that it may not be that big of a deal. Its weird , its like those two sides are battling it out and I can feel the rational side winning. It feels good. Thanks again

[FROWN]

God I love your soap operatic posts.

I have to say I get such a chuckle out of them.

 

Your ex is the way he is. If you wish to be with him, thats something you have to accept. Dealing with is another matter entirely.

 

Why dont you try pulling some of the same **** he pulls on you and see if he smartens his ass up.

 

Thanks again for the chuckle

[smile]

you know sometimes it feels like a soap opera. I wish I could not feel that way... any idea how I do that?

 

BTW I tried to do some of the same crap but he is the type that calls and calls and calls and asks why i didnt answer my phone.Sometimes he calls my house then my cell then my house then my cell and NEVER leaves a msg. Or he will call the next day all sad and ask why I didnt answer my phone.

 

He acts like a wounded puppy. I dont want to be like that... he wanted me not to be that needy. And now he is being that way. But if I ever do it he explains to me very calmly not to take it personally.

 

its funny that you say that. If I hadnt dealt with as much as I had this past year I probably woulda been hurt that you said/wrote that. But youre right. And its funny bc life isnt THAT serious. I overanylze every second.

 

I am having trouble learing to focus on just the good things. But I am working on it. You actually kinda helped me laugh at mysef just a little... so thanks.

[scarlyjones]

How about you two ACTUALLY breakup? You guys are still together. How can you NOT see that? You do everything together still. You even end phone calls with "I care about you"........lmao....holy crap. You just substituted "love" for "care". But you both STILL "love" eachother. Thats obvious. So,.....since this "just friends" farce isnt working out,............you need to end it completely. For real this time. No contact at all. OR,.................get back together FULLY. None of this one foot in,...one foot out bullsh*t. You dont want to be committed to eachother,.....but you both would be FURIOUS if you found out that either of you slept with someone else. Even though it wouldnt be,...it would still FEEL like cheating to both of you. And you know it.

[smile]

you are totally right.. I just have no idea HOW ... BTW we dont end the phone calls that way... we just say it occasionaly so when I wrote it in the email not a big deal. Thats what I meant.

 

I do want whatever this is to be over.. I do want one or the other. Sometimes I dont even care which one. I am so freakin in love with this guy I cant even handle it.

 

I hate being afraid of what to say or do. I have no idea that he thinks we are still together. Just for the record... how many people reading this would consider us still together? And what do you think he wants? Do you think he knows?

 

I am afraid of asking bc I dont think he knows. I want to stop worrying about this. I want to stop obsessing about this. I want to know how to feel when I am attracted to someone else bc youre right it does feel like cheating. It gives me this queasy feeling and I just think about how much I love my ex.

[miss-gonewest]

Yup, I agree it looks like you guys are still together....

 

If you want to stop obsessing then end the relationship... simple! He doesn't need to commit to you because he has you at his beck and call, without the ties of being your boyfriend....he has a friend to hangout with when he wants to, and he has the right to have his time alone (and ignore you) when he wants to.

 

He ended the relationship and I think its time you both moved on - you aren't doing each other any favours in the emotions department. Cut ties, take time out to clear your head (and he his) and see what eventuates.

 

With all this too-ing and fro-ing you guys are just going around in seemingly destructive circles. Neither of you is going to be able to clearly work out what you want, when you have to be accountable for every action, every emotion and every feeling.

 

But do you think you can move on? Do you think you can sever ties for a while? The decision has to be yours....

[strange love]

Theoritically your still together....

 

I guess now that has me thinking about my own thing

 

How long can you not see each other and one of you still semi considers your together?

[nan]

Smile,

 

Hey, I haven't talked to you forever. Anyways, it seems like the same old song and dance is still occuring as it was like 6 months ago.

 

It sucks that everything is still being so over-analyzed. I think by now you should know that he really loves you and really cares about you and all of this other petty bs is just games he's playing or the way he is. You can either take the relationship for what it is right now or leave it.

 

If I was still in this same situation after this long I would be crazy right now. I don't think I could still be right where you are now this long after the fact because I was so out of it in the initial stages.

 

It seems like it is not moving forward or backward but sort of hovering in this crap stage. You've been saying all this time now, is it gonna be something else? But nobody really knows and I think deep down somewhere you already know the answer you are looking for. You just know. When I was broken up I just knew we would come back together someway, somehow and here we are 5 months later still going strong.

 

It took something awful and tramatic to both of us though to find out where we belong. And it's only in really realizing that and what you had/lost that things change. It doesn't sound like you have or will reach that yet or anytime soon.

 

It was good to talk, keep me updated. I work 6 days a week now so free-time for me is rare but I will respond when I can. All the best.

 

Nan

[smile]

I really have no idea what to say here. I dont know if I am comforted by the fact that you see what I see or if I am even more frustrated that its that obvious to EVERYONE but him. But that said I have made a decision to stop focusing on him and start focusing on me. Not to say I am leaving or whatever (altho many of you think I should).

 

Its just after Saturday night I was so unhappy with myself. I saw what I didnt like in my sister and her neediness and insecurity. I was NEVER that girl, but after my dad's stroke I spiraled into such a bad depression I clung to this guy like he was the way to fix everything. Even tho I have realized thats a tough pile to lay on a person I never consciously let myself see what i was doing.

 

He called me saturday immediately after the txt msg but we have been dealing with crappy cell service and I got the msg this afternoon. He had apologized and asked me not to take it personally. His buddy had his bachelor party saturday and thats where he was going. I dunno I mean immediately after I wrote the txt msg I hung up the phone bc I was so mortified by my actions.

 

I love him and yeh youre right I know that he loves me. I know this is going to be a struggle to learn to not jump to conclusions or be afraid. I am going to try my hardest bc he is what I want.

 

 

We talked today for a bit and he has read the email. He thanked me for understanding , eventually, and he hoped that I can learn to not take everything personally. He explained about the IM thing and said he was sorry but asked that I understand in the future that he isnt out to get me. He made sure I knew there was nothing going on, nothing was wrong and he also made sure I understood that jumping to conclusions isnt healthy.

 

It feels like we are building SOMETHING, great and important. I just need to learn not to get so afraid or impatient that I screw it up. We have our whole lives ahead of us and I am think I need to get out and have fun. I am starting to hang out with some new friends from work and they are just the type that are fun but not crazy.

 

Thanks everyone .... I dont know how long you can be apart until one of you thinks youre semi togther. I imagine MOST NORMAL relationships (not mine) have clearer cut lines of together and apart. Nan , I am so glad you two are still going strong. Thats wonderful. Its proof to me that sometimes it just takes space to decide you want to do the work necessary to hold on to eachother. Relationships arent easy...

 

and missgonewest.. I dont know if we can be apart.. I dont know if that would even be good for us. I think we are working it out bc we are constantly reminded how much we mean to eachother. Maybe being apart would intensify it, but maybe it wont. I guess I am saying.. I have no idea about anything except I love him

[smile]

He is taking me to the movies for my bday. The saga continues.

[smile]

nan, something traumatic. Well lets see.. he is being stalked by some girl who swears she is in love with him. She sneaked into the house when he was at work and fed his dog. She left a love note. She has threatened to stab him.

 

He is more scared than he cares to admit I think. So here's the score .. since he has broken up he has hung out with a girl who later accused him of sexual harassment, dated a girl who turned out to be bipolar, and now hung out with this crazy girl who wants to kill him. Man, if I dont look good by now..........

 

I think he is really worried. I am worried. I hope he is ok. But thats pretty traumatic , no? Oh and to top it off one of his good friends from high school just died... I think thats 5 on the count of his hs friends who have died in the past 2 years. So sad.

 

the soap opera continues............(cue cheesy music)