strow Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 My elderly dad wants to move in with the two of us. What are the thoughts or experiences of the members here about older parents moving in? We cannot provide a separate apartment he will have his own bedroom in the house, he is still of sound mind and in reasonably good physical health. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 How elderly? Why does he want to move in, if he's of sound health? It's a tough thing, because once he moves in he probably isn't ever moving out. You may have him living with you for a couple of more decades if he is in good health now. Make sure he understands that if he's in good health and living with you, that you expect him to do his part around the house. Especially with the older generation of men, they got used to be taken care of by their wives and they want their children to do it for them when the wives are gone. He should be able to cook, do his laundry, etc. if he is healthy. Also make sure he gets involved in some sort of a social life. As you don't want him at home and bored 24/7. It might sound kinda harsh, but older adults are often like young adults, in that if they don't get a kick in the pants. They will sit around and do nothing all day long. Link to post Share on other sites
RRM321 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I agree, this can become a real problem. What stands out is that this is his decision rather than yours? I can see myself taking on the care of an elderly parent when that need exists and makes good economic sense for ALL of us. So, I have to ask: "what's in it for you?" (Other than guilt.) If he's in good health would it simply make more sense to move closer rather then in? Link to post Share on other sites
Author strow Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 We talked about being close but not IN the house. He doesn't want to be alone anymore. He knows he's got to help out, when he visits he does lots of daily chores. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Why doesn't he go out and make friends? Volunteer somewhere? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author strow Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 He doesn't like people for the most part. Excluding family. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 So he is moving in making his loneliness your problem? How is that fair on you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author strow Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 He raised me and provided for me, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't even be here. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Are you raising your kids to move in with them even if they want their own lives? Link to post Share on other sites
Author strow Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 my kids wouldn't have me move in with them if the situation arose. They're rather selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Strow, Each family is different in how they handle aging parents. I come from the old ways, that when it was time, my mom and I discussed it. It worked for us. And I didnt consider it taking away from anything. I got to know her as a lady and not just my mother. She paid her share and kept up with her appointments. Some generations though are not capable of co habitating together and that can lead to abuse on either side. I'd suggest that its between you and your parent . And not any of us to determine what may or may not be the best for your fathers welfare. I personally had the medical skills and a home for this to be manageable. Each family dynamic and open communication seems to work differently. Whatever you decide...I hope your Dad has the love of a family to keep him well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 my kids wouldn't have me move in with them if the situation arose. They're rather selfish. You raised them. Selfish kids and selfish father? How did you get here? You seem to think it's your duty to move your father in, though you also seem to resent it. Quite rightly so as he is clearly not making an effort to have a fulfilling life but expecting you to provide it for him. If you go through life pleasing everyone, this is what you get. Being taken advantage of. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 I grew up with my grandmother living with us and it was good. She had her own room and hung out there a lot (every Tigers game, on the radio- lol). She made some of the dinners and cleaned up while my parents were at work and I was at school. Being a kid, I had another person around who listened to me, brushed my hair, told me stories. I loved her. One summer my parents lived in my house with my kids and I think it was good for my kids too. Not the same, but just thought I’d mention it. My dad just died (89) and I think my mom (84) might be moving in with me in the next year. We'll see. I think that so long as you have some private space, it can be positive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author strow Posted February 23, 2016 Author Share Posted February 23, 2016 You raised them. Selfish kids and selfish father? My ex raised my kids during the most influential time in their lives, during our divorce, when they completely cut me out of their lives for years. Lots of damage done during those years. If you go through life pleasing everyone, this is what you get. Being taken advantage of. I know, that happens to me all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 You raised them. Selfish kids and selfish father? How did you get here? You seem to think it's your duty to move your father in, though you also seem to resent it. Quite rightly so as he is clearly not making an effort to have a fulfilling life but expecting you to provide it for him. If you go through life pleasing everyone, this is what you get. Being taken advantage of. Actually some folks, myself and others who have garnered more kindness from giving and being there for our loved ones. Did get what was coming to us, a new understanding and regard for humanity. Its rather fascinating to realize we have the ability to love and do so with dignity in mind. When your own mortality is tested you may think differently...so it goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted February 23, 2016 Share Posted February 23, 2016 (edited) I decided six months ago to help my mom leave my dad. I'm 33, she's 62. Some of my friends think I'm nuts, and that my mom is still young enough to care for herself. The truth is, she's so exhausted from caring for my grandmother, who has dementia, and dealing with my father, who's an extremely bad alcoholic, that she doesn't have a whole lot of strength left for herself. I've been on my own since I was 18, but I've been watching this whole situation get worse and worse, and finally could no longer dismiss the guilt I felt. I could no longer watch my mom suffer abuse from my dad. So I stepped in. I have no idea how my current situation will play out, if I made the "right" decision, if my dad will change, or if my mom will ever heal and learn to enjoy the rest of her life. All I know is that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try. At least try to make this situation better. I'm doing all that I can for both of them. It may not be enough, but it's the best I can do. And at some point if I reach my own breaking point, as in this is affecting my own life too much, then I can walk away knowing that I tried. Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic contemt removed ~T Link to post Share on other sites
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