Cheated but havent told yet

[Stella1622]

Hi, I am 22 years old and I have been with my 23 year old boyfriend for 2 years now. As from what you can see above, I have done a seriously horrific act - I have cheated on my boyfriend 6 months ago with one of my previous co workers.

 

I started dating my bf while he was dating this girl before. We went exclusive after the girl dumped him for another guy. During the early months up to one year of our relationship, my boyfriend had his own share of not great stuff that he used to do to me. He is a nice and funny guy; sweet if he wants to. Among all the guys I have dated before, I really love my boyfriend. I would do all the things he want to do or that makes him happy. I am happy as long as he is happy. However, just like what I have mentioned, he used to do things that hurt me.

 

He would pick on my insecurities. When the girl he used to date dumped him and we went exclusive, he would ask for another girl's number in front of my face. One time, we saw his ex and you know what he said? He told me he was embarrassed because the girl might think that he downgraded, since The girl is beautiful and according to him, I am not. He would also drunk-tell me that I should be careful because his ex is texting him again blah blah blah. Now, I was hurt. I have became more insecure. But I put up with it by thinking of the good things that he has done for me and our relationship.

 

However, this went on for a year and more. It was not as bad as before, but whenever I would try to talk about it, he used to be mad and would often tell me that I am just overreacting. Now, we both got jobs within the same industry but in different firms. We work on shifting schedules, yet we managed to see each other whenever available. I give him his space - I do not snoop on his phone, his social media accounts, I let him go out with his friends even if he goes home very late. He does the same too ( or maybe he just does not care ). There was a time that I suspected that he was cheating on me. I tried bringing it up to him, but as usual, he gets mad so I just went okay whatever.

 

To get to the part where I cheated: I had a co worker who I befriended. He was 6 years older than me, divorced, and he was a nice guy. I always knew that this guy liked me ever since but I never went on with his advances. He knew that I have a boyfriend. Our job is one of the most stressful jobs there is, so I was stressed out of my mind everyday. Our company encountered a problem, and all of its employees are in danger of losing our jobs. That was the final straw. I do not have anyone that much, so I always look on to my boyfriend for support. He would blow me off whenever I ask for even some encouragement from him, telling me that it is my fault and that I would have a bad time looking for a new job. So there, I went stupid and slept with my co worker. Bad thing is, I was sober.

 

It was a one time thing, but I still feel dirtied up afte. I left the company after a couple of weeks, and my co worker was pestering me to leave my boyfriend for him. But I cannot. Even though I have made such a huge mistake sleeping with another guy, I have always knew that I love my boyfriend. There is not a time that I have not felt bad about it. Guilt is eating me up inside ever since.

 

Now, my boyfriend suddenly changed. He became more sensitive of my feelings. He became more invested in our relationship. He now sees me in his future. I feel guiltier than ever.

 

As stupid as it may sound, I have not told my bf yet. I was scared of what could happen. I know that he would be really, really mad and might not look at me like the same before. I am at loss at what to do. We are actually long distance right now, and I wont be home till next month. I am planning on telling him in person. Would this be a good thing? But I would appreciate if there would be any suggestions on how I can handle this. I am willing to do anything to save our relationship, and I think I cannot handle me cheating anymore. I feel sick in the stomach just thinking about sleeping with another guy besides my boyfriend, again.

[introverted1]

Your bf deserves to know what you did and make his own decision about whether he wants to stay with a gf who cheated on him.

 

You also need to look deep inside yourself and understand why you cheated. I see so many excuses here -- boyfriend who was insensitive, a stressful job, etc. -- but nothing that suggests you understand that YOU are ultimately the only person accountable for your actions. This is something you need to sort out or your future relationships will also be at risk for infidelity.

[Stella1622]

Your bf deserves to know what you did and make his own decision about whether he wants to stay with a gf who cheated on him.

 

You also need to look deep inside yourself and understand why you cheated. I see so many excuses here -- boyfriend who was insensitive, a stressful job, etc. -- but nothing that suggests you understand that YOU are ultimately the only person accountable for your actions. This is something you need to sort out or your future relationships will also be at risk for infidelity.

 

Yes, you are right. I should be held responsible for what I have done, and should the consequences for it. Thanks for that.

[amaysngrace]

I wouldn't tell him. I would just go to confession.

 

Telling him won't do any good. It won't reverse it. It will just make him crazy.

 

You did this so you should be the only one feeling crazy. Don't be selfish twice.

[stillafool]

You need to tell him that you cheated and then break up. He sounds awful. Why do you hang on to him?

[Space Ritual]

Even though I have made such a huge mistake sleeping with another guy, I have always knew that I love my boyfriend. There is not a time that I have not felt bad about it. Guilt is eating me up inside ever since.

 

First off,

 

Stop saying you made a mistake. A mistake is making a wrong turn or getting the wrong kind of milk at the store. You made no mistake. You undertook a deliberate act by cheating.

 

Now we get to the Love part. Certainly you understand why many of us are pretty in credulous to you saying you love your BF while cheating in him. You may think you love him, but obviously nit enough to remain faithful.

 

Yes that guilt will eat you up inside. And you know what?It should. Cheating in your boyfriend is bad enough. Keeping it secret is just as selfish if not worse. You are denying him a right to be informed about what type of person he is dating. You are also denying yourself a chance to not be the person you abhor right now.

 

You see, part of being an adult is being responsible for our actions, whether good or bad. We alone are accountable for hoe we conduct ourselves. What you are doing is adding insult to injury. Yes it is going to be difficult to come clean, but come clean you must. And that also means simply accepting the consequences for your actions. If you are attempting to be an honest person, you should probably tell him. Even if he dumps you, you will have at least taken a huge step toward being a better person by displaying some honesty and eventually someone safe to be around. Right now you are neither

 

Good Luck.

[Space Ritual]

I wouldn't tell him. I would just go to confession.

 

Telling him won't do any good. It won't reverse it. It will just make him crazy.

 

You did this so you should be the only one feeling crazy. Don't be selfish twice.

 

LMFAO!

Someone has been watching too much TV, methinks.

[moebius]

I don't understand:

Why are you in love with someone who treated you like that?

Did you cheated on him because he is a jerk, because you think he cheated on you, or because you were stressed?

Did you think that cheating was going to solve things?

Was your coworker better than you boyfriend in bed, at least?

[amaysngrace]

LMFAO!

Someone has been watching too much TV, methinks.

 

The heck kind of reply is that?

 

At least it made you laugh.

[Spikiera]

Well, the way I see it -

 

1. You tell him, you guys will end and it's over. If that is what you want, to make you feel better, to make you feel less guilty, then do it. But know that your relationship will be over.

 

2. You believe you will be with him for the rest of your life. This was a mistake and something you will never do again. You guys will have a future, kids, blah blah blah. THEN DO NOT TELL HIM. Leave it as it is and enjoy your relationship and live to the fullest - never look back.

 

People will tell you that oh your bf has the right to know...yeah sure he does...but it is not truly necessary. Sometimes, somethings are just not meant to be known.

[jen1447]

I'd dump your BF for the guy you cheated with - your BF sounds like a turd frankly and ppl like that don't really change.

[Zahara]

Cheating aside...you invested a year or more allowing this crapbag to tear you down. It's no wonder you're so insecure and it's written all over your post. People like him don't change and do a 180 on you, and if they do it's likely temporary. If I were you, I'd end it with him and stay single for bit. Introspect on why you put up with such lousy treatment.

[dreamingoftigers]

Jeez,

 

Dump this guy already.

 

He's degraded you so many times prior to this. Who says they don't want their ex to see you because they'll see they've "downgraded." What a loser. Seriously.

 

And now he's "sensitive."

 

Honestly, him trying to pick up girls in front of you and you aren't even sure if he gives a crap or not.

 

He sounds like he's cheated pretty much the whole time. Hint: he cheated WITH you.

 

Clearly this is bothering your conscience. I get it. It's super-crappy behaviour what you did. Super- crappy.

 

Telling him if you plan on staying with this arsehole but don't even bother of you are going to leave him. Just cut him loose so he can "upgrade" again. Whatever. Jeez.

 

Now you know not to cheat, so don't repeat the mistake with the next guy who is (by the odds) going to be better.

[road]

Do not stay in a bad relationship.

 

 

So if the best thing to do is to dump your BF and this is your plan then do not tell him.

 

 

If you will not end the relationship then you need to be honest with your BF and tell that you cheated. Nothing good comes out of lying and keeping secrets.

[Stella1622]

I don't understand:

Why are you in love with someone who treated you like that?

Did you cheated on him because he is a jerk, because you think he cheated on you, or because you were stressed?

Did you think that cheating was going to solve things?

Was your coworker better than you boyfriend in bed, at least?

 

I do not even know, honestly. Maybe because I still see the good in some of the things that he did. Cheating on him, however, was mostly because of all the pent-up frustration that I have accumulated for the time that we've been together. Plus, I was really stressed out of my mind. But just like what most people have said, cheating is a choice that I have made so no matter what I say, I am still the bad one here.

[strow]

You cheated on him. You lied (by omission) and you have betrayed him in the deepest sense of the word.

 

That's not love.

 

If you love him, then end the relationship.

 

Think about his feelings rather than your own- that's the definition of love, putting someone else first.

 

But you'll read this and shake your head because you are incapable of what is known as true love.

[jen1447]

You cheated on him. You lied (by omission) and you have betrayed him in the deepest sense of the word.

 

That's not love.

 

If you love him, then end the relationship.

 

Think about his feelings rather than your own- that's the definition of love, putting someone else first.

 

But you'll read this and shake your head because you are incapable of what is known as true love.

 

^ Wow, harsh much?

[Stella1622]

Well, the way I see it -

 

1. You tell him, you guys will end and it's over. If that is what you want, to make you feel better, to make you feel less guilty, then do it. But know that your relationship will be over.

 

2. You believe you will be with him for the rest of your life. This was a mistake and something you will never do again. You guys will have a future, kids, blah blah blah. THEN DO NOT TELL HIM. Leave it as it is and enjoy your relationship and live to the fullest - never look back.

 

People will tell you that oh your bf has the right to know...yeah sure he does...but it is not truly necessary. Sometimes, somethings are just not meant to be known.

 

1. Yeah, I know that he might dump me over this. I remember him telling me once that if I cheat, he would break it off because girls who cheat indicate that there is a problem in the rel. However, for guys, it is normal due to their personal needs blah blah. He once told me that his guy friends cheat on their long time girlfriends but still stay with them.

 

2. Are there any instances of people working it out after a cheating episode? My mom and dad never did, so I do not know.

 

I really regret doing this to him. I cannot describe how shameful I feel right now for putting a down a bunch of hurt on him once I tell him. He might have done some bad things and said hurtful stuff before but I know that he is still a good person and has done good things to me, too. I've actually contemplated suicide over this but I know that killing myself would be more selfish than this cheating episode.

[Chi townD]

Okay forget people that are telling you that you should dump him because he was an emotional d-bag. And you aren't any better with cheating on anyone. So, let forget what brought you to do it.

 

 

Let focus on what brought you here. I believe you came here because you've been feeling guilty over what you have done. And that guilt is eating away at you. You stated that he's been doing much better in the boyfriend department and that's probably what is fueling this guilt. That if he does anything nice for you, you may feel like you don't deserve it because of what you've done. Therefore, you may be subconsciously been keeping him at arms length from you. And there's probably this big elephant in the room and he doesn't have a clue why. So, I think you need to tell him.

 

 

Now, do you stand a chance of losing him? Yeah, probably. But, I least you'll be able to let go of this guilt and learn from it.

[Space Ritual]

1. Yeah, I know that he might dump me over this. I remember him telling me once that if I cheat, he would break it off because girls who cheat indicate that there is a problem in the rel. However, for guys, it is normal due to their personal needs blah blah. He once told me that his guy friends cheat on their long time girlfriends but still stay with them.

 

2. Are there any instances of people working it out after a cheating episode? My mom and dad never did, so I do not know.

 

I really regret doing this to him. I cannot describe how shameful I feel right now for putting a down a bunch of hurt on him once I tell him. He might have done some bad things and said hurtful stuff before but I know that he is still a good person and has done good things to me, too. I've actually contemplated suicide over this but I know that killing myself would be more selfish than this cheating episode.

 

Already at the bargaining phase with yourself are we?

 

Your post is right out of the Cheaters handbook. Chapter 8 Section 12: "How Can I Overdramatize the Mess I've Created and Still Make People Realize It's All About ME?"

 

Your post is not the first one that has used that source. It also won't be the last.

 

You can actually alleviate that guilt if you just grow up and accept responsibility for your actions. You are literally ripping your replies out of Lifetime Movie Of The Week script.

 

Stop with the Low Drama. You aren't even good at it.

[joseb]

Ok, having been cheated on by a gf of 10 years with her workcolleague, you can imagine that I don't condone what you did at all.

 

However, I really do think that your boyfriend sounded emotionally abusive.

 

And you started this relationship while he was with his ex? Yeah not a great start is it.

 

I tried the whole "getting over it" too because I really did love my gf but it's incredibly hard.

 

In your case, your relationship doesn't sound at all healthy even prior to your cheating. So I'm with the split up camp. And as might as well tell him in that case.

[Stella1622]

Ok, having been cheated on by a gf of 10 years with her workcolleague, you can imagine that I don't condone what you did at all.

 

However, I really do think that your boyfriend sounded emotionally abusive.

 

And you started this relationship while he was with his ex? Yeah not a great start is it.

 

I tried the whole "getting over it" too because I really did love my gf but it's incredibly hard.

 

In your case, your relationship doesn't sound at all healthy even prior to your cheating. So I'm with the split up camp. And as might as well tell him in that case.

 

What happened in your case?

[soleilesquire]

So let me make sure I have the WHOLE story:

 

Your boyfriend cheated on his first girlfriend to date you. She eventually dumped him for another guy

 

While you have been dating, he has asked for other women's numbers and flirted WHILE YOU WERE right there

 

You have now cheated on him.

 

NOBODY in the relationship is innocent.

[soleilesquire]

Already at the bargaining phase with yourself are we?

 

Your post is right out of the Cheaters handbook. Chapter 8 Section 12: "How Can I Overdramatize the Mess I've Created and Still Make People Realize It's All About ME?"

 

Your post is not the first one that has used that source. It also won't be the last.

 

You can actually alleviate that guilt if you just grow up and accept responsibility for your actions. You are literally ripping your replies out of Lifetime Movie Of The Week script.

 

Stop with the Low Drama. You aren't even good at it.

 

Did you read what he has done, or are only women accountable?

[Space Ritual]

Did you read what he has done, or are only women accountable?

 

Yes I did. Cheating is never a justifiable option. Being honest however is.