Cheated but havent told yet

[moebius]

I do not even know, honestly. Maybe because I still see the good in some of the things that he did. Cheating on him, however, was mostly because of all the pent-up frustration that I have accumulated for the time that we've been together. Plus, I was really stressed out of my mind. But just like what most people have said, cheating is a choice that I have made so no matter what I say, I am still the bad one here.

 

I don't think you are the bad one. But at the same time it sounds like you are looking for approval of others. Do you want to hear your cheating was justified because of his behavior? Well, probably it is. But does it matter at all?

 

I think he is a jerk, and you are dumb. Why? You were in a position where you should be making him feel sorry for what he've done. And then you cheated and now you are in a position where you have to ask him to forgive you. Can you explain me which brilliant mind came up with such a plan?

[Lois_Griffin]

Think about his feelings rather than your own- that's the definition of love, putting someone else first.

 

But you'll read this and shake your head because you are incapable of what is known as true love.

LOL. Yes, she should put HIS feelings before her own because he's such a great guy and has always put HER feelings before his. And he's shown that by asking for girl's numbers in front of her, telling her she's unattractive and saying his beautiful ex's probably think he 'downgraded' being with her, acting shady and lying and texting with his ex, etc. etc. etc.

 

Yeah, THIS is a guy she should fall on the sword for.

 

She's not incapable of true love. She's simply too young and too inexperienced to know she should value herself more than to settle for anyone who disrespects her to this level.

[amaysngrace]

You are literally ripping your replies out of Lifetime Movie Of The Week script.

 

Stop with the Low Drama. You aren't even good at it.

 

Hey! You tried this same crap with me!

 

Now I don't feel special.

[jen1447]

Some of the ridiculous, presumptuous lecturing here reminds me of the sort of ppl who berate abused spouses for "being terrible" to their abusers and "making them do it."

 

OP cheated, yes. Not out of the blue but as a reaction to stress, mistreatment, etc. Not actually a good excuse to cheat but at least there were extenuating circumstances and she's owning it. Meanwhile the guy who openly mistreats her and is profoundly disrespectful to her and appears to be taking advantage of her vulnerabilities gets a pass? No.

 

The obvs answer here is simple - neither one is good for the other and the OP would be far better off moving on. Forget the back and forth crimes and grievances and assigning blame bc there's plenty to go around ....there's nothing to salvage here and nothing worth salvaging.

[ontar]

LOL. Yes, she should put HIS feelings before her own because he's such a great guy and has always put HER feelings before his.

 

It's ok for her to lie and cheat because he doesn't treat her well?

 

Don't think so.

[Chi townD]

Some of the ridiculous, presumptuous lecturing here reminds me of the sort of ppl who berate abused spouses for "being terrible" to their abusers and "making them do it."

 

OP cheated, yes. Not out of the blue but as a reaction to stress, mistreatment, etc. Not actually a good excuse to cheat but at least there were extenuating circumstances and she's owning it. Meanwhile the guy who openly mistreats her and is profoundly disrespectful to her and appears to be taking advantage of her vulnerabilities gets a pass? No.

 

The obvs answer here is simple - neither one is good for the other and the OP would be far better off moving on. Forget the back and forth crimes and grievances and assigning blame bc there's plenty to go around ....there's nothing to salvage here and nothing worth salvaging.

 

 

 

I guess you totally skipped over the part where she said he's changed and is sensitive to her feelings now and is invested in their relationship and see's a future with her.

 

 

Does it excuse his past behavior? Absolutely not. But, he's made an effort to better himself, treat her right and do things to make the relationship better and he doesn't even know about the cheating. He came to this on his own and got himself straighten out. Still doesn't justify her cheating as much as you think he does for his past behavior. Does he get the boyfriend of the year award? Nope! He's not the perfect boyfriend, but point out to me one who is.

[Zoe5.5]

Hi, I am 22 years old and I have been with my 23 year old boyfriend for 2 years now. As from what you can see above, I have done a seriously horrific act - I have cheated on my boyfriend 6 months ago with one of my previous co workers.

 

I started dating my bf while he was dating this girl before. We went exclusive after the girl dumped him for another guy. During the early months up to one year of our relationship, my boyfriend had his own share of not great stuff that he used to do to me. He is a nice and funny guy; sweet if he wants to. Among all the guys I have dated before, I really love my boyfriend. I would do all the things he want to do or that makes him happy. I am happy as long as he is happy. However, just like what I have mentioned, he used to do things that hurt me.

 

He would pick on my insecurities. When the girl he used to date dumped him and we went exclusive, he would ask for another girl's number in front of my face. One time, we saw his ex and you know what he said? He told me he was embarrassed because the girl might think that he downgraded, since The girl is beautiful and according to him, I am not. He would also drunk-tell me that I should be careful because his ex is texting him again blah blah blah. Now, I was hurt. I have became more insecure. But I put up with it by thinking of the good things that he has done for me and our relationship.

 

However, this went on for a year and more. It was not as bad as before, but whenever I would try to talk about it, he used to be mad and would often tell me that I am just overreacting. Now, we both got jobs within the same industry but in different firms. We work on shifting schedules, yet we managed to see each other whenever available. I give him his space - I do not snoop on his phone, his social media accounts, I let him go out with his friends even if he goes home very late. He does the same too ( or maybe he just does not care ). There was a time that I suspected that he was cheating on me. I tried bringing it up to him, but as usual, he gets mad so I just went okay whatever.

 

To get to the part where I cheated: I had a co worker who I befriended. He was 6 years older than me, divorced, and he was a nice guy. I always knew that this guy liked me ever since but I never went on with his advances. He knew that I have a boyfriend. Our job is one of the most stressful jobs there is, so I was stressed out of my mind everyday. Our company encountered a problem, and all of its employees are in danger of losing our jobs. That was the final straw. I do not have anyone that much, so I always look on to my boyfriend for support. He would blow me off whenever I ask for even some encouragement from him, telling me that it is my fault and that I would have a bad time looking for a new job. So there, I went stupid and slept with my co worker. Bad thing is, I was sober.

 

It was a one time thing, but I still feel dirtied up afte. I left the company after a couple of weeks, and my co worker was pestering me to leave my boyfriend for him. But I cannot. Even though I have made such a huge mistake sleeping with another guy, I have always knew that I love my boyfriend. There is not a time that I have not felt bad about it. Guilt is eating me up inside ever since.

 

Now, my boyfriend suddenly changed. He became more sensitive of my feelings. He became more invested in our relationship. He now sees me in his future. I feel guiltier than ever.

 

As stupid as it may sound, I have not told my bf yet. I was scared of what could happen. I know that he would be really, really mad and might not look at me like the same before. I am at loss at what to do. We are actually long distance right now, and I wont be home till next month. I am planning on telling him in person. Would this be a good thing? But I would appreciate if there would be any suggestions on how I can handle this. I am willing to do anything to save our relationship, and I think I cannot handle me cheating anymore. I feel sick in the stomach just thinking about sleeping with another guy besides my boyfriend, again.

 

 

 

 

 

Hello ,

 

 

I would to encourage first of all to forgive yourself of all the hurt feelings and the wrong you feel in your heart , that you did. Then forgive the partner of whom you had the sleep over with , then try and move on with your long term boy friend.

 

 

Yes , I would encourage you to be open and honest . We should never keep secrets from our spouses whether it is in or out of marriage. I learned the hard way that keeping secrets from my spouse was the worst thing I could had done. She forgave me and loved me unconditional . That is what love in a true relationship is suppose to be, honest and unconditional love.

 

 

More than likely you will find if he truly is In love with you , he too will forgive the mistake and accept you as is and allow the both of you to move on with the relationship. Then you can both learn that honesty and unconditional love is the best policy and gift you can offer one another.

 

 

Thank you and have a beautiful day.

[Stella1622]

Thank you for all of your responses. I really appreciated your thoughts about this problem.

 

What I will be doing is I will be telling this as soon as I get back home. I just feel like he needs to know this in person, not over the phone or via e-mail.

 

Whatever happens, at least I have learned my lesson - be smarter in relationships and never cheat.

[Space Ritual]

You are making a good decision Stella. I know it was probably a very difficult decision to arrive at.

 

Good Luck

[m007]

never tell....You made mistake, deal with it..why hurt him? for honesty?

BS

 

on another note...find somebody who treats you better...

 

telling you you should watch out because he is texting with his ex???? keep on texting d-bag, bye!

[fenix]

OP, don´t tell him. Learn from your mistake and never do something like this again.

Please note that everyone make poor choices in life so forgive yourself and try to make the guy you are with a happy man and not a really unhappy one (that is what will happen if you tell him).

[lchf]

OP, don´t tell him. Learn from your mistake and never do something like this again.

Please note that everyone make poor choices in life so forgive yourself and try to make the guy you are with a happy man and not a really unhappy one (that is what will happen if you tell him).

 

So...lie by omission? Seems like a great strategy for a relationship based on trust and honesty.

[fenix]

So...lie by omission? Seems like a great strategy for a relationship based on trust and honesty.

 

we all lie, actually we do it everyday,small lies and sometimes big lies. We could not live in society without lying.

What good will come from telling the truth in this case? The damage is done, she should learn from her mistake and go on with her life.

We all make mistakes... the important thing is to learn from our mistakes.

[road]

we all lie, actually we do it everyday,small lies and sometimes big lies. We could not live in society without lying.

What good will come from telling the truth in this case? The damage is done, she should learn from her mistake and go on with her life.

We all make mistakes... the important thing is to learn from our mistakes.

 

 

Why lie?

 

 

How about why not lie?

 

 

Many a WW/WGF that have an affair and never face the consequences usually winds up having another affair years later.

 

 

Also with the WW/WGF not confessing to the BH/BBF he is left in the dark which prevents from keeping a watchful eye so he is not betrayed so easily again in the future if he decides to stay in the relationship.

 

 

And, for some men an affair is something that they can not recover from. To deny them the truth forces them to stay married living a life that is a lie.

 

 

Last there are countless BH that have found out decades later that their WW cheated on them. So much for the WW taking her secret to her grave and the BH never finding out.

 

 

Lying about an affair is not he same as lying about does this dress make my butt look big.

 

 

No honey your butt makes the dress look small.

[lchf]

we all lie, actually we do it everyday,small lies and sometimes big lies. We could not live in society without lying.

What good will come from telling the truth in this case? The damage is done, she should learn from her mistake and go on with her life.

We all make mistakes... the important thing is to learn from our mistakes.

 

All well and good, depsite the fact that they are not mistakes, but conscious choices to deceive that cheaters OK in their heads. Mistakes are dropping your phone in the toilet, but to go behind your partners back and engage in infidelitous behaviour is a choice you rationalise in your mind. If you're happy keeping that to yourself and allowing your partner to continue in a relationship that he/she would rather not be in if they knew the truth, that is selfish. And let's not forget; a lot of cheaters fall into the same pattern of behaviour despite promising to never do it again. The damage is also not done if you don't tell your partner.. you're just prolonging their blindness to the hurt you may have caused if they knew.