Boyfriend broke up by ignoring me

[itsdinaah]

This is not a well established relationship as far as I can tell. Correct me, if I'm wrong OP, but it's only a few months old. You are still in observation and evaluation mode. Observing how he handles/deals with things and whether or not he operates in a manner that is compatible and meets your needs to start with.

 

If this is how he deals with things, by cutting his partner out and he's doing this so soon, it's going to be a big deal later. Right now, she should just wait for him to "come out" and then address the fact that it hurts her when he does this and then observe whether he makes the effort to include her at least a little better the next time. A woman who is with a man who does this often, leads a very anxious/insecure and unfulfilled emotional life.

 

If this were an established relationship and this occurs once in a while, the woman should give the man the space he needs, reach out only to be supportive and not try to pull him in or draw him out.

 

That being said, even in these cases, the man will not ignore her. He will respond in some way and acknowledge her if she's not being clingy and demanding. This guy is ignoring and that's a different story.

 

He did this in the past. He explained to me why he retreated. I told him in the future I would appreciate it if he communicated to me what he was going through. I told him it hurts when he just shuts me out and leaves and that I had no idea what he was going through or what was happening. I told him I wanted to feel included in his life and not the last to know.

 

He promised me he would try harder in the future and not do it again. Then he did it again. The thing that irked me though was that he was on facebook, snapchat and other social media while he was "stressed" and "busy" and that's why I got so mad.

 

He had time to update to his friends but not his girlfriend. I see now that I wasn't a top priority.

[Redhead14]

He did this in the past. He explained to me why he retreated. I told him in the future I would appreciate it if he communicated to me what he was going through. I told him it hurts when he just shuts me out and leaves and that I had no idea what he was going through or what was happening. I told him I wanted to feel included in his life and not the last to know.

 

He promised me he would try harder in the future and not do it again. Then he did it again. The thing that irked me though was that he was on facebook, snapchat and other social media while he was "stressed" and "busy" and that's why I got so mad.

 

He had time to update to his friends but not his girlfriend. I see now that I wasn't a top priority.

 

This is about establishing boundaries and enforcing them. You address your concern, give them an opportunity to demonstrate effort to at least compromise and if they don't, you move on. You don't keep re-visiting it. You'll find yourself doing this dance forever. If this were a more established relationship you'd put a little more effort into working together, compromising, etc. But in a fairly new relationship, you don't "work hard" on issues. He hasn't earned that from you.

[OXS550]

I have been dealing with this same behavior in my fiance for about 4 months now. Our relationship though has been for about 4 years. I cant determine what caused her issues, but my guess would be depression. But from my experience I can suggest leaving him alone is the best course of action. People will not change until they want to or are forced.

 

The only way you can force it, is to walk away and see if losing you is enough to make him change permanently. Its a power balance and right now he has all the power over you. No contact regardless if they reach out is what tends to work in this case, if they truly care. And if they don't then your already starting the process to move on. Just make sure moving on is the priority and your not doing it just to get them back. I did this with her and she always comes back apologizing and promising it will better. However I have to be stronger then to be walked on, its either a partnership or nothing.

 

After my Fiances recent episode I went through every emotion from cussing her to pouring my heart out. And of last night I decided to put my foot down. I wrote an email that wasn't a plea or a way to persuade her, but describing my feelings and desires that I deserve in the relationship. I thanked her for what we had and wished her the best I didn't describe faults, point fingers or use the word YOU in it. This letter was for me to just vent knowing that if I walk away today it was off of my chest. So today starts day 1 of no contact. And if she calls, text or emails I wont respond. No contact is what i'm using to make myself stronger and not put up with this. And after I feel I am ok to talk to her again I will respond if she reaches out in that time. So in the meantime no matter what your contact received, begs pleads, questions, calls for help just ignore them all. Make yourself better and prove to yourself that you deserve to be treated like an equal and not a toy that sits on the shelf until its played with.

 

When you think you are stronger and he reaches out, only then respond. But whatever you do, do not just lay over at his first plea (assuming he does). Once he realizes he can come and go as he pleases, he will do so without caring that your heart is breaking in the process.

 

But most importantly don't ever blame yourself for their issues.

[candie13]

This is about establishing boundaries and enforcing them. You address your concern, give them an opportunity to demonstrate effort to at least compromise and if they don't, you move on. You don't keep re-visiting it. You'll find yourself doing this dance forever. If this were a more established relationship you'd put a little more effort into working together, compromising, etc. But in a fairly new relationship, you don't "work hard" on issues. He hasn't earned that from you.

I dunno about the past phrase.

 

Your post makes total sense, though. It's just that... most people tell their partners ILY around 2-3 months, depending on how well things go. Or 4, I don't remember the studies. That is fairly early and that is the majority. Some people do it sooner, others do it later. I see how balancing feelings and efforts can be a b*tch, so easy to overinvest the efforts when invested emotionally !

[candie13]

I feel like I didn't ask him enough about how he was doing. While he was a jerk to ignore me for that long, I think I need to work on my communication in relationships. Instead of just jumping to anger.

he was triggering you. Most likely something not even related to him, from you past.

 

I've also dated a guy who so skilled in pushing my buttons, OMG. I lost a lot because of anger. Both personally and professionally. So I understand that while it is not our fault that we get really pushed hard to react, the responsibility of reacting belongs to no one else but us.

 

I truly empathize with you, OP. Working on your anger - especially identifying the source of your frustration / resentment as well as managing your anger - can make a huge positive impact on your life.

[Redhead14]

I dunno about the past phrase.

 

Your post makes total sense, though. It's just that... most people tell their partners ILY around 2-3 months, depending on how well things go. Or 4, I don't remember the studies. That is fairly early and that is the majority. Some people do it sooner, others do it later. I see how balancing feelings and efforts can be a b*tch, so easy to overinvest the efforts when invested emotionally !

 

Saying ILY has nothing to do with it. You can love them without tolerating poor communication and relationship skills . . .

[candie13]

Saying ILY has nothing to do with it. You can love them without tolerating poor communication and relationship skills . . .

I meant saying ILY may make one try harder (invest more efforts).

 

as for low tolerance of poor communication... it really is very personal. what's poor communication to you may not be poor communication to me. Is it the number of times I make contact, length of the contact, quality of the communication... ? Plus, how to do you define RS skills? I think that's a totally made up term meaning nothing specific.

 

To me, personally, the trick is learning to set boundaries and stay grounded, yet still fall inlove. Keeping clarity of mind yet still keeping hope and being enthusiastic. The way I start to differentiate between genuine love and toxic RSs is that toxic RSs mess with my head and I see myself not thinking straight and not making much sense. Doing things (because of or for a man) I am objectively not fine with.

 

Trying harder goes a bit in the same direction as in, it eventually sets one off track, because they're the only one trying / putting in effort, but it's a process, it's smoother... it still f*cks one up because you still end up losing control.

[Redhead14]

I meant saying ILY may make one try harder (invest more efforts).

 

as for low tolerance of poor communication... it really is very personal. what's poor communication to you may not be poor communication to me. Is it the number of times I make contact, length of the contact, quality of the communication... ? Plus, how to do you define RS skills? I think that's a totally made up term meaning nothing specific.

 

To me, personally, the trick is learning to set boundaries and stay grounded, yet still fall inlove. Keeping clarity of mind yet still keeping hope and being enthusiastic. The way I start to differentiate between genuine love and toxic RSs is that toxic RSs mess with my head and I see myself not thinking straight and not making much sense. Doing things (because of or for a man) I am objectively not fine with.

 

Trying harder goes a bit in the same direction as in, it eventually sets one off track, because they're the only one trying / putting in effort, but it's a process, it's smoother... it still f*cks one up because you still end up losing control.

 

Ignoring a partner is poor communication -- it means there's no communication.

 

Relationship skills are:

 

Being able to communicate/listen effectively

Having good conflict resolution ability

Maintaining respect

Being open/transparent/honest

Having empathy

Being able to negotiate/compromise

Creating/respecting boundaries

Mindfulness and respect for maintaining a relationship as a priority

[candie13]

ignoring your partner is abuse. how you define RS skills is personal to you. I am sure most people believe they have perfect RS skills - to their definition.

[itsdinaah]

How do you enforce your boundaries? Is it just communicating what you need and if they don't fulfill it to walk? Also how many chances can you give them?

[katiegrl]

He had time to update to his friends but not his girlfriend. I see now that I wasn't a top priority.

 

This isn't even about being a top priority or any priority.

 

This is about basic common courtesy.... someone texts you, you text back.

 

You don't ignore people, anyone, friends, family, no one..... it's rude, period!!

Edited February 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[TaraMaiden2]

How do you enforce your boundaries? Is it just communicating what you need and if they don't fulfill it to walk? Also how many chances can you give them?

 

Those times are past.

You boundaries should already have been well-established and understood, let alone respected.

 

He's had his chances. If he doesn't get it by now, he's just being either totally obtuse and dense, or actually, he's being manipulative and controlling. Sadly, following your thread, it's obviously the latter.

 

You walk.

 

NOW.

[itsdinaah]

Those times are past.

You boundaries should already have been well-established and understood, let alone respected.

 

He's had his chances. If he doesn't get it by now, he's just being either totally obtuse and dense, or actually, he's being manipulative and controlling. Sadly, following your thread, it's obviously the latter.

 

You walk.

 

NOW.

 

I meant for future relationships so I don't make the same mistakes again.

[TaraMaiden2]

Whatever you learnt from this one.

Apply in future.

 

Nobody can tell you what your next guy will be like. But it's up to you to communicate your sentiments, tactfully and informatively.

If you're open and honest about what you expect, and what you are willing to contribute, if they 'mess up' - why do they need more chances?

 

Remember....?

 

"Crap on me once, more fool you.

Crap on me twice, more fool me."

[candie13]

How do you enforce your boundaries? Is it just communicating what you need and if they don't fulfill it to walk? Also how many chances can you give them?

 

As a child of alcoholic parents, i grew up with no boundaries. Calm and then huge fights. Violence and then nothing. Denial. I was and still am far from having taught, as a child, how to naturally set boundaries. Other people with different life experiences may have other opinions, but here's how I built back my "healthy" self:

 

- it's not boundaries in themselves. Those are consequences, that is how you relate to things outside yourself.

- in my humble opinion, it starts with yourself. How you really feel. I was taught that not only my feelings didn't matter but that I was also wrong. My feelings were wrong.

 

So I had to start from scratch. First step for me to learn to identify how I feel. Not what my bf says and what he wants and needs - because I'd normally react to fix it (co-dependent behavior). No. Step away from him and his needs and think about me. How do I feel. That was big, because a lot of times, I felt numbed or was unaware, was unable to identify how I felt. Especially if I was pressured to give a reaction. Or I felt guilty about how I felt and was repressing it. So first step: identify how I feel.

 

Second step: accept how I feel. Not judge. Not try to change. Not overanalyze. Just give myself time and space to allow those feelings to come to the surface and allow myself to understand and accept what they are.

 

Third step: act according to those feelings you've identified and accepted. This is what boundaries are. Acting in accordance to how you really really feel. If you're feeling pushed, then accept you're feeling pushed. Take time away, isolate yourself from the situation and then, push back.

 

I think the most dangerous thing we do, as humans, is spring to action, without understanding the causes behind those actions. It'll never work because we, as humans, need to be convinced of our actions to be able to perform those actions repeatedly and successfully.

 

It sounds complicated, but it's what worked for me .

[itsdinaah]

As a child of alcoholic parents, i grew up with no boundaries. Calm and then huge fights. Violence and then nothing. Denial. I was and still am far from having taught, as a child, how to naturally set boundaries. Other people with different life experiences may have other opinions, but here's how I built back my "healthy" self:

 

- it's not boundaries in themselves. Those are consequences, that is how you relate to things outside yourself.

- in my humble opinion, it starts with yourself. How you really feel. I was taught that not only my feelings didn't matter but that I was also wrong. My feelings were wrong.

 

I didn't have alcoholic parents but I was emotionally neglected as a child. My mom usually put me down and I couldn't express my emotions for fear of her laughing at me or belittling how I felt. I also have abandonment issues because my father passed away when I was 6.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me, I know it must have been hard to overcome and I am glad you're doing better now. Your tips are so invaluable, I will definitely try them and utilize them.

[candie13]

I didn't have alcoholic parents but I was emotionally neglected as a child. My mom usually put me down and I couldn't express my emotions for fear of her laughing at me or belittling how I felt. I also have abandonment issues because my father passed away when I was 6.

 

Thank you for sharing your story with me, I know it must have been hard to overcome and I am glad you're doing better now. Your tips are so invaluable, I will definitely try them and utilize them.

yeah, these are common traits with my dad - both my parents neglected me because of my dad's alcoholic problems. Alcoholics usually belittle and ridicule all those around them, so I understand you perfectly.

 

Terrible, to hear about your losing your father so young. I often feel the lack of a positive father figure in my life, of a good man, as a role model.

 

Adult children from abusive parents attract abusers, that is the sad truth. It's the familiarity. Really hard to get away from that. Same way as adult children of alcoholic parents end up marrying alcoholics or end up alcoholics themselves.

 

It takes a long long time to fix these things and stop the abuse from perpetuating, from one generation to the next. working on yourself and doing self growth is extremely important. Not just for you, but for your future children too.

 

Speaking of your mom and abusers - try to get your hands on "Why does he do that" - Lorna Bancroft. It is a tough read, but it explains very nicely all types of abusers and how they work. At least, you'll know whom you need to protect yourself from.

[katiegrl]

[]

 

It takes TWO people to create a RL and TWO PEOPLE to break a RL.

 

Fact is, OP's behavior suffocated the guy to the point he wanted OUT. For a long time.

 

Not condoning his way of doing that, fading and ignoring but the bottom line, he didn't let her in on things going on in his life (such as being in the hospital) because he wanted OUT.

 

He felt stifled, suffocated, annoyed, turned off. This, at least in large part, was due to OP's relentless insistence on contact and connection despite him giving very clear indication he wanted SPACE.

 

To put all the blame on the BF is not fair. OP is to blame too, for HER part, and she needs to look upon this as a big lesson learned for next time....which I am fairly certain she is!

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted response to deleted post ~6

[itsdinaah]

yeah, these are common traits with my dad - both my parents neglected me because of my dad's alcoholic problems. Alcoholics usually belittle and ridicule all those around them, so I understand you perfectly.

 

Terrible, to hear about your losing your father so young. I often feel the lack of a positive father figure in my life, of a good man, as a role model.

 

Adult children from abusive parents attract abusers, that is the sad truth. It's the familiarity. Really hard to get away from that. Same way as adult children of alcoholic parents end up marrying alcoholics or end up alcoholics themselves.

 

It takes a long long time to fix these things and stop the abuse from perpetuating, from one generation to the next. working on yourself and doing self growth is extremely important. Not just for you, but for your future children too.

 

Speaking of your mom and abusers - try to get your hands on "Why does he do that" - Lorna Bancroft. It is a tough read, but it explains very nicely all types of abusers and how they work. At least, you'll know whom you need to protect yourself from.

 

I will look into that book. I don't want to be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and I certainly don't want someone to treat me like my mother did. She often used silent treatment as punishment and wouldn't give me the basic necessities unless I apologized, she was never wrong. Our past doesn't define us.

[itsdinaah]

[]

 

It takes TWO people to create a RL and TWO PEOPLE to break a RL.

 

Fact is, OP's behavior suffocated the guy to the point he wanted OUT. For a long time.

 

Not condoning his way of doing that, fading and ignoring but the bottom line, he didn't let her in on things going on in his life (such as being in the hospital) because he wanted OUT.

 

He felt stifled, suffocated, annoyed, turned off. This, at least in large part, was due to OP's relentless insistence on contact and connection despite him giving very clear indication he wanted SPACE.

 

To put all the blame on the BF is not fair. OP is to blame too, for HER part, and she needs to look upon this as a big lesson learned for next time....which I am fairly certain she is!

 

 

I have to agree even though I am reluctant to do so. I did push him away and I realized what I did wrong and I realize what he did wrong as well. Everything happens for a reason I suppose.

Edited February 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[itsdinaah]

Thanks everyone for the advice, kind words and the truth I was avoiding hearing. I will definitely take time to reflect over what everyone said and I will work on my character flaws and avoid bein a stage 5 clinger.

 

Much love,

Dina

[Redhead14]

Thanks everyone for the advice, kind words and the truth I was avoiding hearing. I will definitely take time to reflect over what everyone said and I will work on my character flaws and avoid bein a stage 5 clinger.

 

Much love,

Dina

 

Being a "clinger" is not a character flaw Being a murderer, thief, liar are character flaws. You just need a little work on managing anxiety. You're going to be fine.

[candie13]

I will look into that book. I don't want to be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and I certainly don't want someone to treat me like my mother did. She often used silent treatment as punishment and wouldn't give me the basic necessities unless I apologized, she was never wrong. Our past doesn't define us.

isn't it funny how your mom used The silent treatment on You And how your last bf did the exact same thing ?

 

IMHO, You need to start working on yourself & it starts with coming to terms with your childhood & your mom.