road Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 She believes sex is not big deal, she thought that staying in contact with this guy she likes as a friend was totally ok. But she knew J doesn't think like that about sex. Then she hid this. She thought eventually J was going to change his mind about that and she was going to tell him about this guy. ......She knew she screwed up his relationship but she wasn't sure why. .....She said she is ready to cut any contact with him for ever, if that makes J come back with her. And she regrets what she did. Notice how she minimizes and justifies what she did? Notice how she is ready to but has not gone NC with the OM? She is still looking to keep the OM shows that she does not care if the OM poisons her next relationship. What this woman did is no different then a WW introducing the OM and his family and making both families friends. Barf-A-Rama. Play dates, barbecues, spent holidays together, vacations together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 I don't care what label they use (FWB, booty call, casual, dating etc) It's still a sexual relationship with emotions involved. And the fact she is still keeping him close by, means to me she is still emotionally attached. She's having her cake and eating it too. If they breakup, she can always just hop right back in to what they had. 4 years? give me a break, that a full blown relationship. OP I wouldn't blame your friend if he dumps her for good. She may not be cheating, but she cheated him out of a trusting relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 When you enter a relationship, complete transparency is paramount. She should have told J about this guy before he started to come around the both of them so he could make an informed decision on how he felt about it. And I totally agree with Smackie on this one. She may have thought that sex is no big deal. But, a lot of women have a hard time separating sex from emotional attachment. And for her to keep this guy around is too much of a temptation. What if J and her get into a fight. This dude would be a shoulder to cry on and she going to be reminded of that emotional attachment where she felt safe and secure. Then, bad choice are made. Plus, J may have felt like an idiot having this guy around while they knew that his girlfriend and this guy had a secret they've been keeping from him. So, I understand where he is coming from. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 J may have felt like an idiot having this guy around while they knew that his girlfriend and this guy had a secret they've been keeping from him. This is what would hurts the most. The fact that they both knowingly deceived him together, makes him feel like they played him the fool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 She believes sex is not big deal, she thought that staying in contact with this guy she likes as a friend was totally ok. But she knew J doesn't think like that about sex. Then she hid this. Regardless of if she is now cheating or not, this type of self centered thinking is right out of the cheater's handbook. It is this type of disrespect of their significant others feelings, and the lack of thinking that being truthful with your significant other is important, that creates the perfect environment for cheating to take place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted February 24, 2016 Share Posted February 24, 2016 Plus, J may have felt like an idiot having this guy around while they knew that his girlfriend and this guy had a secret they've been keeping from him. So, I understand where he is coming from. Yep I think this sums it up. Can you imagine how much J is beating himself up right now thinking, "How was I that big of an idiot? How did I not figure it out?" I feel sorry for him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 26, 2016 Share Posted February 26, 2016 (edited) No one goes through this much trouble to lie, minimize and risk their entire relationship for nothing. At this point, it's a humiliating betrayal, but he could still write it off as poor judgement on her part. You know, an "oops!" However, I don't think someone would go these lengths without there being a bigger issue. Face it, if she's 26, at the very least she's slept with this guy for most of her adult life. People keep saying there's no evidence of cheating, but I would bet every dollar I have that they have slept together numerous times while she was with your friend. Sure, I can't prove it, but her actions do. She is acting like a straight-up busted cheater. When the truth comes out, it will be obvious that the more attractive guy used her for sex when he was bored, but didn't mind your friend doing all the boyfriend stuff, paying for dinners, etc since he wasn't that into her. Yes, it was just sex, but that's only because he wouldn't take it to the next level with her. Either way, she's too dangerous to recommend dating. It takes a pretty gutsy person to to bring your 4 year sex buddy around your new relationship and lie about the history for 2 years. Don't worry about her. She's super good at rationalizing and already has another guy to keep her mind off of things, so she'll be okay. I would be more focused on helping your friend heal from this massive, humiliatingly deceptive, 2 year game she's been playing with him. I feel humaliated just thinking about it. I have a feeling that under the right circumstances he could get the FWB to spill the beans. He should definitely contact him and see if he can just get the truth. He doesn't have anything to lose, but she stands to lose a bf and a fwb. There's no way he's going to get her to blow her own life up. If he stays with her, he will have to settle for trickle truth. Edited February 26, 2016 by HereNorThere 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moebius Posted February 27, 2016 Author Share Posted February 27, 2016 Thanks again for all the views. I talked with J on Thursday morning and he was completely pissed of and hurt. But he also wanted her back. I told him about my talk with her. At night J told me she called him and promised him she will never see this guy again. J told her he needs a time and she's going to wait for him. Right now I think they are going to be back soon. But I think J will never forget this and will hold this on her in the future. I guess she f*cked up their relationship forever but she doesn't see this yet. She talked to me today to say thanks for my help. I said I hope not to regret that. Also told her that I think it's going to be really hard to fix things up. She gave me some more details but I told her she needs to solve this with J, not with me. Yet she wanted to be clear with me for some reason. I think she didn't cheat on him. But I think she's not saying all the truth yet. I think she wanted to keep this guy around while she was getting to know J. At some point she fell in love with J but this guy was already there and making him suddenly disappear would have been extremely suspicious. Then she went on like this hoping she would find a way out somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 27, 2016 Share Posted February 27, 2016 She gave me some more details but I told her she needs to solve this with J, not with me. Yet she wanted to be clear with me for some reason. I think she didn't cheat on him. But I think she's not saying all the truth yet. I think she wanted to keep this guy around while she was getting to know J. At some point she fell in love with J but this guy was already there and making him suddenly disappear would have been extremely suspicious. Then she went on like this hoping she would find a way out somehow. Do you realize how many of us need to hear the whole story to know we got the truth? And, here you are holding back on us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moebius Posted March 3, 2016 Author Share Posted March 3, 2016 Hello there. I just wanted to update you. Nothing interesting happened though. She keeps trying to get back with J, but he can't get over all this. And is not an excuse. He told me he would like things to be back as they where before he knew all this. And he's having a really hard time with thoughts all over his head. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 Hello there. I just wanted to update you. Nothing interesting happened though. She keeps trying to get back with J, but he can't get over all this. And is not an excuse. He told me he would like things to be back as they where before he knew all this. And he's having a really hard time with thoughts all over his head. He is feeling super humiliated. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 She keeps trying to get back with J, but he can't get over all this. Studies show that it usually takes the betrayed less time to get over the sex of an affair, than it does to get over the lying associated with the other man. Although their is no proof that she had sex with this other man once her relationship with J became exclusive, the lying associated with the man is going to be hard to get over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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