He is 'on a break with his gf' and sleeping with me - Is he cheating?

[robinunlikelihood]

Hi all, this is my first time posting on a forum because I really am quite torn about the whole situation and would like to hear some opinions/advice from you guys.

 

I hope you guys won't be too harsh on me, I really have no intention to hurt anyone nor do I think what I've done is morally correct. I'm just kinda confused and don't really know what I should do next.

 

Here goes : I'm 24 F, and he's 29. We were platonic friends for about 3 months, and we clicked quite well. In the sense that we would have occasional dinner together and text/call each other to talk about our problems, etc. Friend stuff. Then one day he called me up to tell me he 'sort of' broke up with his gf (also 29 yo), and that they are on a break now. He seemed quite upset, and he said he needed company. So he asked me to cab over to his place to accompany him. Worried, I went to see him immediately.

 

When I was there, we chatted for awhile. Then he suddenly asked me "Can we just have sex, now that I'm technically single?". He has expressed physical attraction towards me prior to this when we were just platonic friends, but I shrugged it off as harmless flirting. I said "No, you have a girlfriend!". Then we continued to talk, and he suddenly kissed me! I did not kiss back. I told him to do his work, I'll just be here to accompany him that's all. So I rested on his sofa, scrolling through my phone when suddenly he came to me and flipped me over, said "Let me try something". Then he started kissing me. I was quite aroused at the heat of the moment, so I gave into temptation. After sex, he told me "Hey, um. You know that I still love my gf right?" to which I said "Yeah I get it, I also had my needs."

 

So this FWB relationship went on for about 3 weeks, during which he would call me on a daily basis, and we would meet for dinner every week. We'd talk on the phone for hours, laughing, chatting, telling each other about our day. Until one day I realized that - Damn. I'm beginning to fall for this guy. And it no longer became a purely FWB relationship - I actually have feelings for him now. I would get quite jealous especially when he would still see his gf every week, although they are 'on a break'. He claims that they are no longer intimate, but they still meet for dinner, work meetings, friend gatherings. She does not know of my existence.

 

Now, it's been 4 months of us doing this together. I know some of you might tell me he's using me. But it's hard to explain the kind of person he is. When I fell sick, he would take me to see the doctor and buy dinner for me. And when he fell sick, I would take care of him and make sure he was alright. Throughout these moments, he actually teared up one day and told me that he feels sad that I had to be stuck in a situation like this. And that there is nothing he can do about it. This was when we both realized that our feelings were mutual.

 

But anyway, this has been making me quite miserable as I struggle with all the uncertainty, jealousy, and mixed emotions. So I decided that I'll take baby steps towards detaching from him emotionally, but I still continued to sleep with him (I know, I know. But I have quite a high sex drive, and we are really quite sexually compatible). The other day after sex, he started ranting to me about his gf, and that he doesn't see how she can possibly be the future mother of his children. In his own words, he said "You know, one day I might just end everything." Then he moved in closer to me (perhaps he noticed that I wasn't as touchy feely as usual), then cuddled with me and even held my hand. He always had issues with physical intimacy outside of sex. So this was a rare thing. I did not reciprocate, and just laid there quietly. But it made me wonder, all this while, is he cheating on his ex if he sees her so often and yet is sleeping with me behind her back although they are 'on a break'? It's just a gray area-term. I really don't know what's right or what's wrong anymore.

 

I really like him, but I don't know if this will even lead to anything. I feel quite upset sometimes and have thought of walking away, but his caring for me makes it so difficult for me to leave! Kindly share your thoughts with me, I'd love to hear it from an unbiased 3rd person's POV. Thank you and have a great day, everyone.

 

tl;dr: I like this guy, he says he likes me too. He has a GF, but says they are 'on a break' due to their many relationship problems together. He also says he honestly doesn't know what he wants and this leaves me confused because where do I go from here? How am I supposed to feel? Is he even worth my invested feelings and affection? If they're on a break like this, is sleeping with me behind her back considered cheating? What in the world is going on in his mind? Help me out, guys.

[Grumpybutfun]

Imagine him doing this sht to you in the future and then determine if it could be anymore black and white. He likes to have sex with you and be friendly with you, but he "loves" his gf and will drop you as soon as she tells him to. "Sort of" a break is code for "I want to have sex with you so I will tell you what I think will bring that outcome to fruition. Men can and will say anything or do anything to get laid, even take a girl to the doctor and bring her food. Men are more generous when they are after oral and intercourse. He is using you. If you don't want to be a part of his infidelity and don't want to emotionally attach yourself to a cheater and user, you should bounce.

Move on, drop him as an acquaintance,

Grumps

[dubliner]

"he feels sad that I had to be stuck in a situation like this. And that there is nothing he can do about it."

Bull.... They aren't married!

they are 'on a break'?? He has no problem spinning the lies.

There's nothing he WANTS to do about it. He's got all HIS needs covered.

Is this someone you want to put your heart and trust in to?

Don't waste your time on him, he will lead you to emotional hell and back.

[candie13]

technically, he's not cheating on her.

 

de facto, he is.

 

it doesn't matter if you are the other woman to this woman, what matters is you're having sex with a man who isn't emotionally available or technically free. It also sounds like you're emotionally invested already.

 

Peace of mind over a piece of arse. I'd stop seeing him and tell him to contact me when he's single single. Irrelevant if he's cheating or not, he's not being true to you. You're better than being the snack between 2 main dishes.

 

next him, girl.

[elaine567]

"On a break", means different things to different people. Obviously to this guy it means he can use the opportunity to have sex with other people, but to others it just means they are having some time apart to reconsider their relationship and sleeping with others in that time is then cheating. I wonder what version his gf is following...

 

Never a good idea to get mixed up between people who are "on breaks", who are newly separated from serious relationships or who have complicated relationships with exes, as you will come off worst.

They either decide you were just a bit of fun and not "relationship material" or they realize you are NOT their ex so eventually dump you unceremoniously, or they keep you on dangling on a string whilst they go play off and on, hot and cold with their ex.

 

This guy here is acting exactly like a cheater and cake eater, he has two woman on the go, but there is "nothing he can do about it". smh

 

Cheaters are not usually dastardly villains who abuse their victims. Many are very "caring", and nice, how else could they get women to sleep with them?

YOU are doing what many woman do actually, and mixing up the fact he sleeps with you, and apparently cares and is nice, with "love".

Men like this, know that, and take advantage.

[privategal]

Sometimes I just hate to reply as I feel the poster wont listen and truly take the advice.

I was stuck in something like this for so long only without sex. Everything else you guys do was us.

I feel what happens once a females heart is "in" the hope subconsciously is there that his feelings are real and strong and what you have is deep and special. That at some point you will be chosen as 'the one'.

More than your sexual needs your heart is also in it. You are addicted to him.

He on the other hand built his alibi a second after he had sex with you..."you know I love my gf right"?

How cruel omg...and tacky. He might as well have said "you know I just used you right"? but he was telling you RIGHT THEN...I love her...at some point when the sex gets routine, when I dont need it as much, when my gf is ready to go with me again...when you get too needy or clingy or want more its going to be "Im sorry, you knew I loved her all along and feel I have to give it a shot with her and end this with you"

You will either be dropped cold and ghosted, or you will get breadcrumb texts here and there to keep you on the line in case your needed to get him through another rough patch in the future.

Right now you are the stand in, the ego stroke, the easy lay...you are disposable and your days are numbered.

 

These guys...oh man...

They need someone caring and on their d!#% 24/7.

Be glad he isnt your boyfriend.

Hes a snake.

I think you should get out, get a vibrator (sorry to be crude) to meet your high sexual needs or better yet a single boyfriend or both and leave him NOW before you become trash on the curb.

What he is doing and the lines he is feeding you are SO easy to spot from the outside looking in by someone not emotionally invested.

Ever consider they are "on a break" because she caught him cheating before? Are you using protection? You need out of this. It will really damage you further and also cause you to question your next boyfriends faithfulness too and your self esteem and heart will be shredded.

You dont see the emotional harm this is already doing to you.

4 months is long enough to be used.

Time to end.

Edited February 23, 2016 by privategal

[veggirl]

On a break for 4 months?!?!

 

I don't think so. This guy is cheating and prob sleeping with you both. If he wants to be single he easily can be. He's a wuss- how unattractive!!!

[whichwayisup]

End it. This guy is manipulating you, selfishly. He has a girlfriend, if they were on break they wouldn't still be seeing one another. This means eventually they will get back together (Or they are together and he's not told you) and you'll be the OW and get your heart broken by him.

 

You can't 'detach' from him while you're still having sex with him.

 

Love and respect yourself more than what you feel for him, walk away and tell him that you don't want a guy who still has a girlfriend, you want a man who will love ONLY you.

[central]

Is he really on a break? If so, why? And, if on a break, did they set any rules about what/who they can do while on the break? Where is she, BTW? Could he be seeing you both, or not? When do they get back together, if they are even going to? And why?

 

 

I know from another site I follow that it's usually women who ask for a break, so they can sleep with someone else without guilt (yes, they admitted this, and more than a handful). Unless they made rules, then he's not cheating. A break is often a "temporary" break-UP, that may become permanent. It may be that he won't want to get back together with his "gf" if that's even an option for him/her anymore. It could be that he's falling/fallen for you.

 

 

Now, how you proceed may depend in part on what his/her plan actually was, and the nature of their agreement, if any. You were willing to go along with this, but what if he wants to be exclusive with you? Would you trust him?

[SSJROMANCE]

I have a bridge for sale that I'd like to sell you - 75% off!!!

 

ASAP sign up for the class Stop Being Naive 101.

 

This is a classic line. Even if they WERE broken up this shows NO respect for his ex. You want to know for sure? Ask her. But be prepared for an answer that is much different than his. Be prepared for them to now officially break up. Be prepared for your relationship to more forward with him. And one last thing. Be prepared for him do to pull the same crap on you with another woman that he did on her.

[RRM321]

I could be completely wrong about this but, you should here it the way some of these guys actually describe it:

 

He's a player, and you've been played from day one.

 

He got tired of waiting for you to fall and simply pounced. You said "No" but, he had already worn you down, primed you, and just pushed until he got you to cave. That's why he needed you to be at his place - home turf, secret, seductive, and intense. You didn't stand a chance. Resistance is futile.

 

Now your confused and off balance, perpetual easy prey. Just what the player needs you to be.

 

Find the GF - if I'm right, she'll be the trophy: educated, connected, and upwardly mobile, the perfect social escalator.

[VeveCakes]

"I might have to end things with her". Might???

 

4 months? Girl you are not that foolish! You deserve better. You're giving up the goods while she gets the BF treatment. Dinners, holidays, gifts etc. You are hole to this man and I mean that in the least offensive way but it's the truth.

 

Ditch him asap.

[stillafool]

Did you ask him if he and his gf agreed that they would have sex with other people while they are on break? You see he is the only one who can tell you if he is cheating or not, so ask him.

[imsosad]

Cheating or not, this guy is treating you badly. Telling you he is crazy right after he pushed you in to having sex is low. If he was a guy on a break, looking for fwb he would have said that *before* sleeping with you.im not sure his GF knows they're on a break and he sure isnt your friend.

If he loved you,nothing could be easier. He does not.

I dont think you're missing out,though. He doesnt sound like a good guy to me.

He is having a blast, he's got two women!

I think he targeted and seduced you from the get, and he has been manipulating you since.

You are 24!!! The whole wide world open to you. What do you need this selfish coward for?

Ditch him,live your life, have a wonderful time and meet someone who will be a real partner to you, will live you,respect you and will not use you as Plan B.

[BuddyX]

"Can we just have sex, now that I'm technically single?".

Great pick up line (smh). Can't believe you fell for it.

[RRM321]

I really like him, but I don't know if this will even lead to anything. I feel quite upset sometimes and have thought of walking away, but his caring for me makes it so difficult for me to leave! Kindly share your thoughts with me, I'd love to hear it from an unbiased 3rd person's POV. Thank you and have a great day, everyone.

 

Okay, now that we've literally beat you over the head, you're forgiven. Of course you like him, that's why you allowed him to be your friend, and why you rushed over to comfort him. You were quite noble.

 

He's not been honest or fair, to you. That has to be your job now - being honest and fair to yourself.

 

You may have wanted him but, was the time, place, and circumstance really of your choosing? How much choice do you want to have in a relationship? You can still have him but, it is in your best interest to set clear boundaries and expectations about what you will and will not accept in a relationship. Then enforce them.

Edited February 23, 2016 by RRM321