Story about dumper regret and rebounds - they do exist

[shouldknowbetter]

Hi All,

 

First post. Long time reader first time writer. Having gone through a devastating breakup about 8 months ago (dumped) and with my ex now in a new (rebound??) relationship, I've read a lot about breakups and whether the dumpers can have regrets and whether they can get into rebound relationships.

 

There seems to be a range of opinions on this from 'always' to 'they don't exist' and are a figment of the dumpee's deluded mind.

 

So here's a three stories from my past that prove these things do exist. Whether they're true on your situation, nobody except the dumper and dumpee can truly say.

 

Story 1: Dumper regret

 

In my mid 20s I dumped a girl I was truly in love with. She was someone I knew from a small town childhood and we ran into each other randomly in a club. I didn't even recognise her. I fell for her immediately. The first 3 months were just pure heaven. I was in love. Then things turned sour. In short, this person had a range of extreme behaviours and in the end I dumped her because of the damage it was doing to me and the relationship. I could not continue and she wouldn't change.

 

Immediately I regretted my decision. As the dumper I should have been happy with my decision, but after a short time I became the person who was inconsolable and devastated. As the dumper I felt like the dumpee. I ended up begging and making a fool of myself before eventually I cut contact. It was in the days before social media so it was easier to cut contact at that point. It took about a year to get over that relationship. I didn't rebound at that point, but I easily could have, and it 100% percent would have been a rebound. I spent a huge amount of time with another girl and had I not had a conscience I would easily have got into a relationship and used her until I was recovered. If my ex would have had me back I would have gone back in a heartbeat.

 

Story 2: Being used as the rebound

 

A bit earlier in my life I had the opportunity to go out with a girl who i'd been keen on for many years. As with story 1, I thought my dreams had come true. I was in love. At the time I knew that this girl had been cheated on by her previous bf and she had dumped him.

 

We had a 3 month relationship where I got to sleep with the girl of my (then) dreams. In the end, guess what, she dumped me and went straight back to her cheating boyfriend.

 

It was very clear I was just the rebound for a bit of fun and to take her mind of the pain of the previous breakup, even though she was the dumper.

 

Story 3: Dumper getting back the with dumpee

 

More recently (about 7-8 years ago) I went out with a girl in an on again off again relationship for about 2-3 years. We really didn't get on well together as she had major jealousy issues. They were completely unfounded for the record. Anyway, we broke up. I think she dumped me in the end. I really don't remember. The fact is that one of us dumped the other and we got back together.

 

She moved to another state and had another relationship. I also saw other girls. Mine weren't rebounds as although I missed her, the problems were just too great for it to work and she had moved, presumably permanently. To me she was gone forever and I'd accepted that. I do remember I was very upset, but each new relationship or fling was on its own merits as I never ever expected her to come back.

 

About a year or more(?) later I found myself looking at her Facebook. She was always attractive and she still was. I was single again. We started talking. Her relationship was going bad. It had probably been the better part of a year. I don't remember the exact timing, so please no questions on how quickly she got into this relationship and whether it was a rebound. It's too long ago to remember honestly what happened exactly. She decided to come back 'home' and we would try again. She did that. It was great for about 2 months, then all the previous problems again surfaced, but enough time had gone by for them to be 'forgotten' and for us to think that things would be different.

 

I don't remember who contacted who to start with, but there was definitely chemistry after other relationships and a year or more apart. The moral of this story is that it meant stuff all when it came down to dealing with the post-honeymoon period. Problems are problems and they will rear their ugly heads if you don't deal with them.

 

 

So rebounds do happen, dumpers do have regret and people do get back together when they've moved on.

 

You never know what the future holds, but here's what I learnt:

 

1. Be patient - there's no timeline on these things

2. If you love someone, you will hold that love for quite some time. Even now up to more than 20 years later, if the situation was right I'd consider another relationship with these girls. Trust me the situation isn't right in any of the cases, but you get the point.

3. If you are a dumper and leave the relationship for reasons other than loss of love (fights, even infidelity), then there is a strong pull back to the person you love.

4. Being proud doesn't work. Years later I got apologies from all 3 of these girls for the way they acted in the breakups.

5. Don't beg. That never works. I begged in two of the three cases. I know it's really hard, but I would suggest just a 'we can't be friends and I'm not going to contact you' then do WHATEVER you can to keep true to yourself. They WILL NOT forget you, trust me.

6. No matter how much it hurts, the feelings do fade, but it takes a LONG time. Once the severe hurt dissipated it took years to really get over them even though I had other genuine relationships afterwards.

7. Getting back together can happen. Staying back together is another question entirely. Work on your issues and don't invite someone back without clearly talking about theirs and what they've done. The honeymoon and great sex will never be enough to prevent a further breakup.

Edited February 23, 2016 by shouldknowbetter