WorriedMom80 Posted February 23, 2016 Posted February 23, 2016 This story starts 2 years ago, LO was 2 and dad and I moved with LO to his home state. 7 months later he filed for divorce. I had to move out, got apartment then car broke and had to move back closer to family 3 hours away to save up. We adjusted our parenting plan until I could move back. Divorced was filed December 2014, final March 2015. In August of 2015 I became aware that he was seeing someone shortly after our move to his home state. LO was told not to tell mommy certain things. LO and daddy had their special secrets as she eventually told me. The Girlfriend was introduced to LO before the divorce was filed and was already being called the girlfriends "daughter/son",calling her two sons her brothers, being called grandson/granddaughter by the girlfriend's mom and so on. Ex husband even told our LO he/she can have two mommies. Now this is only 6 months after we lived separately. They spent the Christmas of 2014 (still married and living together) and Christmas 2015 with her and her family. Shortly after Christmas dad broke up with her and explained to our LO best he could. She was sad and confused, but we all focused on keeping her happy and answering any concerns she had. 2 weeks after the breakup the now ex girlfriend finds out she is pregnant and learned it is twins a couple of weeks later. Her son is also having a baby the same month. This will make her a grandmother at 32. Dad and I are both at a loss as how to handle this. He wants a DNA test done. I looking at it as if we tell LO now and they are born and they aren't his, LO will be confused as to why LO doesn't have 2 siblings anymore. If we wait until the test and they are his then LO will be confused as to how Dad and ex girlfriend had 2 babies, but LO hasn't seen ex girlfriend in a very long time. This time last year LOs parents still lived together and now she has been through this breakup and now the pregnancy news. Any advice or thoughts on this situation would be greatly appreciated.
CC12 Posted February 27, 2016 Posted February 27, 2016 I looking at it as if we tell LO now and they are born and they aren't his, LO will be confused as to why LO doesn't have 2 siblings anymore. Yes, that would be very confusing for her. She doesn't need to be told that the ex-girlfriend is expecting. She doesn't need to be told anything unless it's confirmed that your ex is the father. If we wait until the test and they are his then LO will be confused as to how Dad and ex girlfriend had 2 babies, but LO hasn't seen ex girlfriend in a very long time. No, she won't be confused, because she's not going count back the months since daddy saw the ex and go, "Waaaaait a minute! Ex-girlfriend hasn't been around for months! How did this happen!?" Four-year-olds generally don't know how babies are made or how long it takes. And I'm sure you wouldn't use this as an opportunity to teach her all about it. Read up on how to tell any other four-year-old about a new sibling. Your family situation isn't all that weird or messed up, to be honest. Actually, it was a little weird that your ex-husband introduced your daughter to a whole new family so quickly. I hope he's learned some things from this, like to be more cautious about introducing new families, and to please not instruct a little girl to keep secrets from her biological mom.
anika99 Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 Your exes pregnant exgf and how to handle that is only one of many problems you have with your ex. Does he understand that he behaved selfishly and immaturely by bringing another woman into your child's life so soon after the separation? Does he understand that it's inappropriate for him to tell your child that they have "special secrets" that your child should hide from you? That behaviour is your biggest problem and it's what you need to deal with. Your daughter is too young to give much thought to the whys and hows of her siblings existence. She's likely to take the arrival of the twins in stride withou asking many questions. My oldest son was 5 when I got pregnant with my second son. I wasn't married to their father and at the time we weren't even living together. My son was mildly curious about the baby growing in my belly but never once questioned me as to how and when it got there.
MJJean Posted February 29, 2016 Posted February 29, 2016 My oldest son was 5 when I got pregnant with my second son. I wasn't married to their father and at the time we weren't even living together. My son was mildly curious about the baby growing in my belly but never once questioned me as to how and when it got there. I was pregnant when my eldest was 5. She was very curious as to how the baby got there, when it got there, how long it would be until the baby was born, how it would be born, etc. Since I don't do fairy tales or lie to the kids, I ended up having to think of an honest and yet age appropriate answer. If I were OP, I'd come up with an answer to where babies come from just in case. As far as not telling the child in case the babies aren't exH's, DNA testing via blood test is available in the US and Canada. Once the mother is 14 weeks or further along, they can go to a lab, have a blood draw done, and know the babies paternity long before they are born. I don't know how many companies that do the test are out there, but the first when I Googled was this one. Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test on Maternal Blood | PRENATAL GENETICS CENTER
Tayla Posted March 1, 2016 Posted March 1, 2016 What is an LO? Why the need to not give this entity a name? son, daughter, puppy dog? Hard to respond without clarity....
Author WorriedMom80 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Posted March 6, 2016 I agree on his behavior being a major problem. I've tried to address this calmly and rationally many times. I only receive hostility. I've sent links about children of divorce being exposed too soon to new partners only to be told it's harassment. Tried to discuss the new family being introduced so soon and just got "you think she isn't happy?", "my girlfriend is a great influence on our daughter and ales a better mother to her" just a bunch of defensive comments. , I'm try to always take the higher road and be as civil as possible because the narcissism takes over and then there absolutely no communication and our daughters best interest takes the back burner to prove his way is the right way. Don't get me wrong he is nowhere near a bad father. He does things with her, takes her fishing, park trips, cooks, follows a strict schedule, does her sight words and all that. He just fails in the personAL life area....and secrets from mommy area. Now that the shock is wearing off I can see what you mean about her being young and will just be excited for siblings. (I'm actually excited for her) LO=little one. Sorry if that was confusing didn't want to give outhe too much
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