I am 108 days NC after an eight year affair.

[windows7i5]

Posting as I approach my fourth Month NC. This has been very difficult, Breaking off during the cold of Winter, the Holidays, Valentines Day. While I will never doubt the love we shared, and will always love AP, it became harder to handle. Love is not always enough. I have no regrets regarding AP.

 

 

I want to let you all know how helpful reading this forum here has been. I encourage anyone facing the end to just. keep. reading.

 

 

Thank you all so very much, from the bottom, middle and top of my heart.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS. Three months in. Yeah, early times for a long and likely very attached association.

 

When making the choice to go NC, did you get business finished or are there loose ends? As example, hashing things out in person and saying goodbye? I kinda see it like paying one's respects when a loved one dies. In this case, the actual person didn't die, rather the relationship did and, as you put it, you still feel love for the AP but knew the healthy choice for you was to say goodbye.

 

One day at a time. My first and worst took a couple years to get over and it was similar in length and long before there were phrases like 'no contact' or web forums to discuss things and gain support in NC from. You'll make it.

[windows7i5]

Thank you so much Carhill. I have followed your insightful posts. Thank you for the support.

 

 

There was no in person goodbye. Nothing really could be said that hadn't be said before. It is very much like a death, that I know having experienced much loss in my life. As had AP.

 

 

We and our lives were very much entwined. Makes things that much more difficult.

[carhill]

Probably a repetition but one thing I learned in MC which helped a lot with both appropriate and inappropriate associations, and, literally, death, was accepting the milieu. Letting the emotions wash over, validating them as authentic, and processing them as the real now. Not exactly celebrating them but not fighting them either, or suppressing them. Feeling grief, anger, uncertainty, loss. Having confidence that the moments, each of them, will flow into another, more settled, moment.

 

My bet is/was, if I'd had professional therapy regarding this issue some 20+ years ago when it occurred, I'd have handled a lot of things differently, and more healthily, in life. However, with that comes acceptance that I didn't, what happened, happened and that's how life works. Fortunately, as long as we're alive, each day is a new opportunity.

 

What opportunities await you today? Good day to be alive, eh?

[carhill]

Oh, also, LS has a place in our coping forum where members can post into the abyss of the forum rather than contacting their ex and that can be a good place to vent with others who are similarly venting. If the overwhelming desire to contact finds you, or you get an unwelcome contact, blast it out there. Sometimes it feels good to vent.

 

In that vein, is this NC voluntary with enforcement or purely by choice? IOW, have you removed all contact means, or do means remain and you and he simply choose to not contact each other? That latter can be a temptation. Watch for that.

[burnt]

Probably a repetition but one thing I learned in MC which helped a lot with both appropriate and inappropriate associations, and, literally, death, was accepting the milieu. Letting the emotions wash over, validating them as authentic, and processing them as the real now. Not exactly celebrating them but not fighting them either, or suppressing them. Feeling grief, anger, uncertainty, loss. Having confidence that the moments, each of them, will flow into another, more settled, moment.

 

Carhill, so beautifully phrased.

 

I will add one more note to the above. Setting expectations on how much time one needs to recover is not healthy.

 

I heard many people saying "the recovery time is usually half the time of the actual relationship". No, there's no formula. It depends--on the person, on how strong the bond was, and how effective the person's willpower and copying skills are.

 

So, don't be too harsh with yourself if you feel it's taking you longer than you expect let go. Eight years is a long time. It's a significant part of your life--both time-wise and value-wise.

 

I found a quote that helps me sometimes to copy with my loss:

"A relationship doesn't end--it changes form and definition".

 

I have been in NC for well over a year with my xMM.

While I am no longer physically connected with the person, in my own ways, I'm always in contact with my emotions that connected me to him. That part of the relationship hasn't ended at all. Whether and how it will fade, only time will tell.

 

I still do have conversations with him--only difference is he doesn't hear them. I share thoughts, emotions, expressions, as freely as they come.

This was the most beautiful part of my life, the strongest and authentic emotions I felt, and I choose to keep a part of it alive in my own way. Perhaps it's not healthy, but this experience has become a part of who I am now and I don't want to be disconnected from that.

 

There's a phrase he used once "together separately". I guess that's the way I feel about my relationship with him now: still together in memory, but going separate ways.

 

I wish you all the best.

[jenkins95]

Welcome windows7i5

 

You are amongst friends here. I have found this place such a big support and help. There are some great people here, and almost every affair scenario had been experienced (or is being experienced) by members here.

 

I'm in a similar position to you in that I am nearing the magic 100 days NC. However my affair was shorter - a year or so. It still hurts like hell for me so I imagine it must be worse for you, given the length of it. I do feel better than I did at the start of NC and I am now much more confident that I did the right thing. I was very unsure at first. Also, my negative feelings are now more leaning towards guilt towards what I've done to my spouse rather than the out and out emptiness of missing my AP (although I do still miss her), and I see this as a good thing.

 

Will you be sharing the circumstances of the affair with us on here, it do you prefer to keep the details private. Either way, good luck! You will get there if you just keep going. The good days will eventually outnumber the bad days. I wish you nothing but the best.

[jenkins95]

Carhill, so beautifully phrased.

 

I will add one more note to the above. Setting expectations on how much time one needs to recover is not healthy.

 

I heard many people saying "the recovery time is usually half the time of the actual relationship". No, there's no formula. It depends--on the person, on how strong the bond was, and how effective the person's willpower and copying skills are.

 

So, don't be too harsh with yourself if you feel it's taking you longer than you expect let go. Eight years is a long time. It's a significant part of your life--both time-wise and value-wise.

 

I found a quote that helps me sometimes to copy with my loss:

"A relationship doesn't end--it changes form and definition".

 

I have been in NC for well over a year with my xMM.

While I am no longer physically connected with the person, in my own ways, I'm always in contact with my emotions that connected me to him. That part of the relationship hasn't ended at all. Whether and how it will fade, only time will tell.

 

I still do have conversations with him--only difference is he doesn't hear them. I share thoughts, emotions, expressions, as freely as they come.

This was the most beautiful part of my life, the strongest and authentic emotions I felt, and I choose to keep a part of it alive in my own way. Perhaps it's not healthy, but this experience has become a part of who I am now and I don't want to be disconnected from that.

 

There's a phrase he used once "together separately". I guess that's the way I feel about my relationship with him now: still together in memory, but going separate ways.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Beautifully put, burnt. That is such a wonderful way of viewing it! I too, still have those conversations with my AP, in my head. And knowing the person she is, I expect she does too. I have a similar relationship with some great friends that I have now sadly lost. Great posts from Carhill too. Keep them coming guys - that's good stuff.

Edited February 23, 2016 by jenkins95

[Lady2163]

I ended things about two years ago, I don't know exactly when, but I know I could go through my LS posts. I haven't really tried to date.

 

Mine was also a very long term thing. We are still friends and talk. We exchange birthday, Christmas and Valentines gifts. But, we don't see each other. That temptation is just too much.

 

I don't think we are in an EA, while we have talked about important things or our feelings on something, it isn't a NEED.

 

I'm getting ready to move to a bigger city where there will be more dating opportunities. If I can't connect with someone I may not be in as healthy a place as I think.

 

Congrats on day 108! Keep moving forward!

[windows7i5]

Carhill Ty for the wealth of information and sharing your own experiences. Having undergone grief counseling in the past, I find those tools I developed have helped me with this loss.

 

NC is voluntary. There was no "D" day. We are not co-workers or in one another's social circlcle as far as locality. Unfortunately, we were in one another's personal lives for many years as a couple in that we introduced one another to friends and family. That was difficult to address in the end and a huge mistake as it made tying up the tattered ends that much more difficult. There is still a familial/work attachment between AP and a family member but that has always been separate from us and their own relationship that developed. With that, I cannot say NC is completely total, although it is in place.

 

Carhill I believe unlimited opportunities await me. I know what I bring to the table and I am not afraid to eat alone.

 

Yes, it is a wonderful day to be alive!

[windows7i5]

TY Burnt, Jenkins and Lady for the warm welcome and sharing. Appreciate it so much. I am at work now so I shall respond when I have no distractions. Ty again.

[privategal]

After 8 years...what was your final straw or breaking point that finally caused you to end it?

Or are you not 100% sure you will keep NC now?

[windows7i5]

After 8 years...what was your final straw or breaking point that finally caused you to end it?

Or are you not 100% sure you will keep NC now?

 

Privategirl--I would say concern for him and frustrations of my own resulted in an angry verbal attack (not my first--AP rarely was mean/argumentative to/with me). We have always communicated well, but I am not one to bite my tongue. Anger is an emotion. Frustration can make you feel like screaming.

 

As far as not being 100 percent sure on NC? I believe our NC is what has been mentioned here on these boards often: If you really care/love someone you will respect the need for NC and moving forward.

 

Like Carhill said--One day at a time.