Friend upset over my decision

[myxtchek]

So I have a really good friend who's currently living in a house with 3 other people and one of them is his older brother. He's shared with me that he loves his brother but can't stand the way his brother parents him and also how because his brother is of a similar age and all of his friends (including me) know and like his brother, he feels like he can't hang out with his friends or do anything without his brother being there. He wants "a life of his own" and also seems to feel threatened by his brother.

 

I sense some tension between me and this friend because he expressed an interest in moving in together later this year but I've expressed an interest in moving in with his brother and I believe this has upset him. I'm not really sure how to handle this, but I know moving in with his brother is a good move for me personally because he would be a really good influence on me and we're on the same page in a lot of aspects in terms of lifestyle. It's not like I left my friend hanging out to dry because he has several other friends he's interested in moving in with (in another multi-person house).

 

Is there a way I can address this situation without my friend resenting me?

[CarrieT]

How much do you value the friendship? Because living with the brother would probably destroy it.

 

The best thing you could probably do is not live with EITHER of them and find new mates to live with to maintain the peace.

[myxtchek]

It's hard to say because I've kind of felt this tension for a month or two without realizing what was going on, so my recent experience with him is one of him being distant and not really interacting with me much when I'm over at his house. He's very strongly opinionated and incredibly stubborn. I definitely value the friendship because he's been a close friend for a long time and he's given me some incredible opportunities that I never would have had without him.

 

However, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that breaking our friendship would make things incredibly difficult for me socially, because he's kind of the ringleader of my friend group and it would definitely create a rift. We've gone through a period where we stopped being friends for a year or two as a result of my ex and that definitely made things awkward for not only the two of us but all of our mutual friends as well.

 

You don't think there's a way to talk to him or something I could say that would make him comfortable and okay with me moving in with his brother? Could/should I just tell him I've been thinking about it and ask him how he feels about the idea?

[CarrieT]

You don't think there's a way to talk to him or something I could say that would make him comfortable and okay with me moving in with his brother? Could/should I just tell him I've been thinking about it and ask him how he feels about the idea?

 

I believe you started this thread for a reason... You already know how it would go over and I doubt that talking to him about it would change the outcome.

 

I have a feeling that once you bring it up, the friendship would start to deteriorate and you would start to see the repercussions.

[myxtchek]

I have a good feeling I know how it would go just because he's stubborn and doesn't like having adult conversations that involve his personal feelings. He gets frustrated and pulls the "I don't want to f--king talk about this" card.

 

I haven't even brought it up but the tension is still there, seems like either his brother has said something to him or he's already upset that I've been going to the library and studying with his brother (maybe both).

 

His response just seems childish, especially the fact that I know he won't want to talk about it. How do you deal with people who won't talk about their feelings, be honest, and let me know what he is and isn't comfortable with?

 

Is it really a bad idea to bring this up with him and just explain my reasoning, and that my decision is literally based on the fact that his brother is a good influence on me and I actually WANT someone to watch over and play parent with me? He may not want that because it's his brother and it annoys him, but I would die to have a brother who watched out for me that way and pushed me to excel the way his brother does with him.

[preraph]

That would be like saying "Your brother is a good influence over me and you aren't." And anyway, why you looking for a father figure? Probably time to go out and get a place all your own and learn what it's like to not have a bunch of outside influences and find out what your capabilities are.