I cheated whilst drunk and haven't told.

[faceless94]

Hello,

 

I'm 21 years old and have been with my 22 year old boyfriend for 4 years.

 

What I'm about to write absolutely disgusts me, I have no valid reason for why it happened and wish everyday that I could right my wrongs.

 

My boyfriend and I had a pretty tumultuous relationship to start with, we were both very young and had just come out of relationships and used to bicker quite a lot, taking short breaks apart here and there. However, the past 2 years have been incredible, I can't complain. Which is why I can't understand why I would try and **** everything up as I have done.

 

I went out last weekend to an old work friend's birthday party. The only other people I knew there were a group of girls and guys that I used to work with so hung around that group all night. They're not usually people I drink around or find myself relaxing amongst so I found that I over compensated and drank 1-2 bottles of wine to try and keep up with them. So much that the majority of the night is a complete and utter blur.

 

I woke up to a load of texts the next morning from people concerned about where I was and what I had done. Saying that I was far too drunk and one of the guys I used to work with had been kissing me in the club. I don't remember anything between the club and getting out of the taxi at home with that same guy. I know I offered him a cup of tea downstairs in my kitchen for the hassle of bringing me home and from there I'm not sure how things progressed to a sexual nature. We did begin to have sex but after a minute I told him to stop, to which he did then rang a taxi and left.

 

I can't get my head around the situation. I'm not going to even try and blame it all on alcohol as I know that is no excuse. I have never done anything in the past to hurt my boyfriend and dread the guilt I now feel. I have absolutely no attraction to the guy that came back to mine and don't know whether I was even making coherent choices.

 

I messaged him the following day to say it was a complete and utter mistake and that I would be cutting contact. I asked how the situation had even progressed so far as I didn't remember all of the night and he said he had wanted to make sure I got home okay in the taxi. I had told him repeatedly that I have a boyfriend and he said he doesn't take advantage of girls that way. However the texts I have from my friends say that they told him to stay away from me in the club and he just laughed about it. I honestly can't remember much bar the actual act of having sex, in which I think I came to a more coherent state of mine through the shock of what I was doing.

 

Now I honestly don't know what to do. I know in my heart that I will never do anything like this again. It hurts to think about the scenario in which I would try to tell my boyfriend, it would honestly break his heart and I feel as though I am far too selfish to tell him. I don't want to risk losing my future over some stupid drunken cheat. I've since looked for help with my drinking as that last time completely terrified me, to not know where I was the majority of the night or what I was doing makes me think that I cannot control my drinking and am better off without it and putting myself into situations that have devastating effects.

 

The guilt is killing me but I know this is my burden to bear. I don't want to break his heart, he's my absolute life and best friend. I have been the biggest c*** I understand. I don't think I can tell him.

 

Can anyone please offer any advice? I know I will be judged and I fully deserve to be. This is tearing me apart and I just needed to get it off my chest.

 

I'm sorry.

[smackie9]

Just be honest and take your lumps.

[strow]

I messaged him the following day to say it was a complete and utter mistake

 

It wasn't a mistake. A mistake is filling the sugar container with salt.

 

Your actions define you. You cannot be trusted, your boyfriend knows this and he's made a wise choice.

 

Leave him alone, that's the best thing you can do for him.

 

For yourself, stop drinking and get counseling.

[JamesM]

It wasn't a mistake.

 

Yes, it WAS a mistake. It was NOT an accident.

Mistake:

noun

1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

 

And yes, with time, she CAN be trusted again. Whether her bf will trust her remains to be seen.

 

Mistakes have consequences. Admit to your mistake and let the pieces fall where they may. It appears that your BF may not be good for you, but who knows...this may bring you closer in the long run.

 

You cannot stuff it and forget about it. You must be honest and tell him before someone else does.

[salparadise]

The guilt is killing me but I know this is my burden to bear. I don't want to break his heart, he's my absolute life and best friend. I have been the biggest c*** I understand. I don't think I can tell him.

 

Can anyone please offer any advice? I know I will be judged and I fully deserve to be. This is tearing me apart and I just needed to get it off my chest.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Well, you messed up and you realize it and are sorry for it. I don't know how far things progressed sexually, and I don't think it really matters in one sense... you came to your senses and put a stop to it. On the other hand, there is the possibility that you might have contracted an std if it was unprotected and went that far. My advice would be to get tested and don't have sex with your boyfriend until you're sure. Quit drinking, deal with the guilt and forgive yourself.

 

You're probably about to hear from a bunch of hardline moral absolutists who say you're obliged to confess- they will pour the guilt on and try to convince you it's the only choice, the only right thing you can do. It's not. You do have a choice and it's not for anyone else to decide for you. Remain objective and do what's right for you. Hurting your bf and possibly ending the relationship is not a given.

 

I do think you need to do some introspection, self-work and figure out how you came to allow the events to transpire the way they did, but it still doesn't mean you're a bad person or anything like that. But you do need to come to terms with it and find the way to self-compassion and forgiveness.

[strow]

Yes, it WAS a mistake. It was NOT an accident.

Mistake:

noun

1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

 

And yes, with time, she CAN be trusted again. Whether her bf will trust her remains to be seen.

.

 

Call it what you want, it was a conscious choice on her part, not some sort of error or blunder.

 

Could she be trusted again? Perhaps if she gets the proper treatment and figures out why she messed up.

 

Otherwise she's doomed to repeat the same.. mistakes.

 

Its in her character. whether she chooses to admit that or not.

[Chi townD]

Okay, this is going to come across as a bit harsh because you need to accept what you've done. You wrote that entire post (and it reads like) as if you were victimized. But to be honest, you weren't.

 

 

You state that you don't remember getting from the club to getting home with this guy. But! you remember inviting him in, making him a cup of tea, started getting hot and heavy with him, started having sex with him, having a change of heart and telling him to stop. You remember all of that! So, start being honest with yourself. You weren't taken advantage of or raped. I'm pretty sure you were BOTH drinking and when you told him to stop, he did just that. So, it was two people that made some bad drunken choices. You need to start owning up to your own sh*t. Because if I can rip through that story and I'm a complete stranger, there's no way your boyfriend will buy it either. Just be honest, you have no excuse why it happened. But, it was a bad choice that you made and you need to own it.

 

 

Now, here's the rub. You need to tell your boyfriend. Because you have WAY TOO many witnesses to your behavior. Your friends and others saw you kissing up and making out with this dude. And they saw you jump in a taxi with him took him home. You don't have to have a degree in rocket science to figure out what happened. Sooner or later, word is going to get back to him. So, you're better off coming clean about this.

 

 

Also, you may want to see your doctor to make sure you're clean. Drunken sex usually is unprotected so, you may want to ensure you have a clean bill of health.

[JamesM]

Call it what you want, it was a conscious choice on her part, not some sort of error or blunder.

 

It may be a conscious choice that I turn in front of a car and cause an accident. But it was an error in action either way. It was not well thought out. We all make errors in judgment that at the time are a "conscious choice." In this case, it appears that alcohol played a big factor. And like it or not, drugs and alcohol do make people do things that are not normally in their "character."

 

Could she be trusted again? Perhaps if she gets the proper treatment and figures out why she messed up.

 

Agree.

 

Otherwise she's doomed to repeat the same.. mistakes.

 

Maybe. If I get in a car accident, then without "treatment" it is actually quite likely that I will not repeat the same thing again.

 

Its in her character. whether she chooses to admit that or not.

 

No, in your opinion, it is in her character. Yet many people cheat once and never do it again, just as others do and do it many times. For some it is in their character. For others it is not.

 

IMO this appears to be a mistake that can teach and be used for personal growth.

[JamesM]

 

Now, here's the rub. You need to tell your boyfriend. Because you have WAY TOO many witnesses to your behavior. Your friends and others saw you kissing up and making out with this dude. And they saw you jump in a taxi with him took him home. You don't have to have a degree in rocket science to figure out what happened. Sooner or later, word is going to get back to him. So, you're better off coming clean about this.

 

I have to agree. This is not about moral absolutism. It is about telling the story your way. If others tell your bf, then you have lost him guaranteed.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not usually one to suggest that you tell your SO about something like this because usually the couple is going to break up anyway, or there are other extenuating circumstances. However, in this case, you can't just not tell him about this. First of all, you have too many witnesses and he could very easily hear about it from someone else. I know you might not think this is possible, but it is. If he hears it from another source, you're toast. This is not a chance you should take. You need to tell him and deal with the consequences.

 

And I know you already said it but I feel the need to drive this point home. Women should never, ever let themselves get that drunk. You put yourself in a really, really bad position where you could've been raped or killed.

[Mr. Disposable]

You sound genuine in feeling bad about what's happened. However, I feel that the other posters here have got it right.

 

You need to tell him. A relationship that's founded upon dishonesty can't work. It's cliche for a reason. As another poster mentioned, it's also quite unfair to your boyfriend's sexual health.

 

You chose to do something pretty damn compulsive prior to the drunken behavior. You displayed some severe insecurity by trying to "keep up" with a group of strangers. You then continued to pursue their approval by irresponsibly hooking up with a stranger while you were in a committed relationship.

 

I don't think you're a bad person. I don't think that abusing yourself by calling yourself names is helpful to you. It's okay. You're a human being and you made a mistake. Forgive yourself, because (regardless of the outcome) you're stuck with you.

 

Own your mistake and come clean. Whatever happens, you've earned it. The best you can do now is to try to keep your side of the street clean. If your boyfriend breaks up with you...you have that coming. Most people won't tolerate cheating.

 

I'm certainly not trying to lecture you or wag my finger at you from a ground of moral superiority (because I just don't have that in me). It's honestly just how I'd treat myself. If I fu*k up, then I take responsibility for it. It's all that's left.

 

But you won't know for sure until you talk to him. If you really care about him, you owe him the truth.

[ExpatInItaly]

I also think you need to tell him, for a few reasons:

 

1) He has a right to know he's been betrayed so he can make a choice of what to do from here.

 

2) He is likely to notice something isn't right with you. You've been together a few years, so he knows you very well. He will probably pick up on the fact that something is weighing on your mind, or sense that there is a pink elephant in the room. I know that feeling well, having been cheated on by a long-term partner myself. I just had a bad feeling something was up; his behaviour was different and I don't mean being secretive with his phone or other typical red flags. He was distant, distracted, clearly uncomfortable about something.

 

3) Far too many people saw you and this other guy getting frisky. It will probably eventually make its way back to your boyfriend.

 

You have some serious soul-searching to do, OP. It is prudent you get to the bottom of why you did this, regardless of what happens in your relationship from here.

[Eighty_nine]

Yes, it WAS a mistake. It was NOT an accident.

Mistake:

noun

1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

 

And yes, with time, she CAN be trusted again. Whether her bf will trust her remains to be seen.

 

Mistakes have consequences. Admit to your mistake and let the pieces fall where they may. It appears that your BF may not be good for you, but who knows...this may bring you closer in the long run.

 

You cannot stuff it and forget about it. You must be honest and tell him before someone else does.

 

Agreed.

 

People are imperfect. You are, your boyfriend is. Relationships are. People who act like any major mistake is a deal breaker are seriously unrealistic- relationships are about working through troubles.

 

You didn't coherently or emotionally choose to be with someone else. You made a mistake, albeit a big one. But you're 21. You're not perfect. If your boyfriend is committed to you, he should be able to move past this. But you do have to tell him.

[strow]

Agreed.

 

People are imperfect. You are, your boyfriend is. Relationships are. People who act like any major mistake is a deal breaker are seriously unrealistic- relationships are about working through troubles.

 

It might be seriously unrealistic to break up over someone because they leave the toilet bowl seat up or drink one two many beers on a Saturday night.

 

Ending a relationship because during an inebriated state she chose some other guy's penis over his is not seriously unrealistic at all.

[JamesM]

 

Ending a relationship because during an inebriated state she chose some other guy's penis over his is not seriously unrealistic at all.

 

She did not say it wasn't unrealistic to break up over this. She said:

People who act like any major mistake is a deal breaker are seriously unrealistic- relationships are about working through troubles.

 

Having watched couples reconcile after adultery and rebuild a better marriage or relationship, I can say that it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker.

 

This relationship did have other problems prior to this "incident," so it may be the final straw. However, confess and see what happens.

[RRM321]

What is your reason for telling the boyfriend?

 

If it is to alleviate your guilt and make you feel better then, NO! I don't think you are justified in transferring your anguish to him, just so you can find relief.

 

If you truly believe this is indicative of a weakness or problem that will continue to undermine your ability to treat your relationship with care and respect then, YES! It is essential that you allow him to see the reality of your pairing.

 

You are describing TWO separate issues that need to be addressed:

 

1.) Getting falling down drunk. (It's reckless)

2.) The other man (Your conduct out of sight)

[JamesM]

What is your reason for telling the boyfriend?

 

If it is to alleviate your guilt and make you feel better then, NO! I don't think you are justified in transferring your anguish to him, just so you can find relief.

 

If you truly believe this is indicative of a weakness or problem that will continue to undermine your ability to treat your relationship with care and respect then, YES! It is essential that you allow him to see the reality of your pairing.

 

 

NO, there is a third reason, and that is for her to tell HER story the way SHE wants to before others tell him how they saw it.

 

He will be more open to reconciling (if that is a possibility) if she confesses her "mistake" as opposed to him hearing it from someone else.

[strow]

Having watched couples reconcile after adultery and rebuild a better marriage or relationship, I can say that it doesn't have to be a dealbreaker.

 

A marriage or relationship is never better after adultery.

 

It just feels better to think so.

[JamesM]

A marriage or relationship is never better after adultery.

 

It just feels better to think so.

 

Assuming you have experienced and know (as I have not), then I will bow to your opinion for yourself.

 

Having communicated alot with a woman who did and has been very open with me regarding her marriage, then I can say that yes, it can be much better.

 

One could easily say that we are delusional after in believing it is better, but then one can say that we are delusional in thinking it was better before the adultery.

[strow]

Assuming you have experienced and know (as I have not), then I will bow to your opinion for yourself.

 

I have no experience with infidelity. From my own personal and vast relationship experience I have learned that you can never, ever completely trust another person, even one who has not deceived you in the ultimate way.

 

Heck you can't even trust yourself completely.

[SunnyWeather]

Hi Faceless

 

I have a little different take on this. You are young, you made a mistake. Reflect on the deeper reasons why this happened, and forgive yourself; everyone makes mistakes, that is what the process of individuation is all about.

 

However, if this becomes a pattern of behavior than this is a wake up call.

 

You and your BF are so young, the desire to explore other aspects of yourself is not unheard of, if fact, it's pretty important. Going about that discovery consciously (instead of black out drunk) would be a more authentic response to the natural inclination of being free to explore who you are as a human being.

 

whether to tell your BF or not is not is your call. we don't know what kind of relationship you two have, the level of commitment etc. But, you might conclude to 'own' who you are, mistakes and all. Either this was a teachable moment that you can learn from or an indication of something far more serious taking hold, like having a substance problem.

 

forgive yourself and learn from this experience- and give thanks you are ok

 

{{{hugs}}}

[JamesM]

 

Heck you can't even trust yourself completely.

 

Personally, I never have, which is why I have said here many times that I am as capable as the next guy to get into an affair and do what I can to avoid the possibility...like getting drunk.

[VintageWine]

Agreed.

 

People are imperfect. You are, your boyfriend is. Relationships are. People who act like any major mistake is a deal breaker are seriously unrealistic- relationships are about working through troubles.

 

You didn't coherently or emotionally choose to be with someone else. You made a mistake, albeit a big one. But you're 21. You're not perfect. If your boyfriend is committed to you, he should be able to move past this. But you do have to tell him.

 

I am so sick and tired of the whole preach of some people saying that people are imperfect, etc....etc. And this thing about her age, no, it's all bull. Sorry, not sorry.

 

You are correct though, we aren't perfect, but hell, it's not about that. I'm generally speaking right now, however, no. Just because we aren't perfect, doesn't mean we stop making wise choices. I get it she was under the influence of alcohol, however, let's not go back to saying it's because we are imperfect and she's 21. Explain those that are her age and don't cheat, c'mon now. Stop.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hi Faceless

 

I have a little different take on this. You are young, you made a mistake. Reflect on the deeper reasons why this happened, and forgive yourself; everyone makes mistakes, that is what the process of individuation is all about.

 

However, if this becomes a pattern of behavior than this is a wake up call.

 

You and your BF are so young, the desire to explore other aspects of yourself is not unheard of, if fact, it's pretty important. Going about that discovery consciously (instead of black out drunk) would be a more authentic response to the natural inclination of being free to explore who you are as a human being.

 

whether to tell your BF or not is not is your call. we don't know what kind of relationship you two have, the level of commitment etc. But, you might conclude to 'own' who you are, mistakes and all. Either this was a teachable moment that you can learn from or an indication of something far more serious taking hold, like having a substance problem.

 

forgive yourself and learn from this experience- and give thanks you are ok

 

{{{hugs}}}

Exactly. They've been together since they were teenage kids. They're now barely young adults. People this age who commit too young usually end up doing something along these lines because they're depriving themselves of doing what people this age SHOULD be doing - spreading their wings and experiencing life.

 

Not justifying it, just calling it for what it is.

[LoveRefreshed]

Exactly. They've been together since they were teenage kids. They're now barely young adults. People this age who commit too young usually end up doing something along these lines because they're depriving themselves of doing what people this age SHOULD be doing - spreading their wings and experiencing life.

 

Not justifying it, just calling it for what it is.

 

I agree, but the fact is that she had made that commitment. She lied to him and broke it, he deserves to know that she cheated on him. He deserves to move forward in a relationship he truly understands and knows completely.

 

I think she should be honest to him not for the sake of relieving guilt, but for the sake that he can make a decision about his future. He is so young, I'm sure he could find a woman who won't cheat on him.