I cheated whilst drunk and haven't told.

[road]

Being remorseful does not make up for lying.

 

 

You must tell your BF.

 

 

Everything has consequences. The longer things are put off the worse the consequences become.

[SSJROMANCE]

That's borderline rape. I would talk to a lawyer. He took advantage of a girl who couldn't consent to sex. Grossly intoxicated. This guy needs to get his little hiny thrashed. It is NOT your fault. Before you tell your BF talk to a counselor ASAP and perhaps a lawyer.

 

One more thing. Did he wear a rubber? Either way you should get STD tested now. How awful would that be to now spread an STD to your boyfriend.

Edited February 24, 2016 by SSJROMANCE

[WaitingForBardot]

Personally, I never have, which is why I have said here many times that I am as capable as the next guy to get into an affair and do what I can to avoid the possibility...

...

I agree. Fidelity is a choice, one that can require vigilance to maintain at times.

 

I'm torn on the whether to tell question. On the one hand, since it may be probable that he'll find out anyway, telling may be the best way to preserve the relationship, assuming that's what she desires. OTOH, as I've stated here before, if my wife strayed I would prefer she keep it to herself.

[Chi townD]

That's borderline rape. I would talk to a lawyer. He took advantage of a girl who couldn't consent to sex. Grossly intoxicated. This guy needs to get his little hiny thrashed. It is NOT your fault. Before you tell your BF talk to a counselor ASAP and perhaps a lawyer.

 

One more thing. Did he wear a rubber? Either way you should get STD tested now. How awful would that be to now spread an STD to your boyfriend.

 

 

 

What if he was drunk? Should he consult a lawyer because she raped him? She lured him back to her place and then she took advantage of him? If BOTH of them were drinking, why is he AUTOMATICALLY labeled a rapist? because he's a man? Because he has a penis?

 

 

Bottomline is that things happened between the to of them when they were both in a drunken state. They started to have sex which she was fully aware of and when she rescinded her consent, he stopped and took it no further. When she told him to stop, he did just that.

 

 

This was NOT rape. This was a case of two people in a drunken state using bad judgment. Rape is too strong a word to throw around haphazardly.

[kgcolonel]

If it were me, here is what I'd do.

 

1 get myself into IC to deal with both the drinking and the why did I put my self in that situation

 

2 solicit the therapists help to explain to the BF as to what has been uncovered during therapy

 

3 in the presence confess to the BF what happened and the steps you are taking to ensure it is not ever going to happen again

 

 

The confession is not so much from a moral perspective but from a place of working to save the relationship. If the BF hears this from another source he will not have the same respect for you as he might if you come clean. Doing this in the presence of the therapist will allow a professional to mediate the confession and to be there for each of you depending on how it proceeds.

[Eighty_nine]

It might be seriously unrealistic to break up over someone because they leave the toilet bowl seat up or drink one two many beers on a Saturday night.

 

Ending a relationship because during an inebriated state she chose some other guy's penis over his is not seriously unrealistic at all.

 

When I said 'major mistake', did you think I meant leaving the toilet seat up?

 

Nope.

 

We can live in a fantasy land where we believe monogamy is easy, good people are only driven to do good things and that good people do not fail themselves and others. That place is just that - fantasy. Is this to say that those things are not often deal breakers? Of course not. They are. They do not ALWAYS have to be and our society is really mistaken in thinking so.

 

Can't tell you how many older, happy couples I've encountered who've weathered cheating (and other similar huge mistakes) and are so grateful they stuck their relationship out. There can be more value and personal gain in that then starting over again each time someone lets us down in some significant way.

[greenly24]

Dealing with guilt is never fun. Inevitably, we all makemistakes that we later regret. Have you thought about what you would want ifthe situation were flipped? Would you want your boyfriend to tell you ifhe made a similar mistake? Do you think you would forgive him? I tend to thinkthat being truthful and upfront is best, but you are the only one who candecide whether to tell him or not.

 

 

Also, I’m glad you’ve chosen to get help for yourdrinking problem. I’m sure that took a lot of courage. I’m sure that counselingcan help you work through some of your drinking issues. Best of luck!

[ontar]

There can be more value and personal gain in that then starting over again each time someone lets us down in some significant way.

 

If my girlfriend climbed on some other guys penis I'd be done. I'll take my chances with someone new rather than trying to rebuild the relationship and trust a woman who has "significantly let me down" as you put it.

[JamesM]

If my girlfriend climbed on some other guys penis I'd be done. I'll take my chances with someone new rather than trying to rebuild the relationship and trust a woman who has "significantly let me down" as you put it.

 

If my wife did it, then I would rebuild.

[ontar]

If my wife did it, then I would rebuild.

 

Don't share this with her, it's like giving her a free pass.

[JamesM]

Don't share this with her, it's like giving her a free pass.

 

After this many years, she can have one.

 

But seriously, despite our ups and downs, she wouldn't take it...nor would I.

[ontar]

After this many years, she can have one.

 

But seriously, despite our ups and downs, she wouldn't take it...nor would I.

 

Most cheated on partners think the same thing. It's not like they sit around thinking "it's only a matter of time before it happens"

[JamesM]

Most cheated on partners think the same thing. It's not like they sit around thinking "it's only a matter of time before it happens"

 

I just knew that you (or someone) would respond that way.

[frigginlost]

OP,

 

As someone who has been cheated on:

 

One of my ex's cheated on me with a former flame of hers. She decided not to tell me, and held it inside for months. The guilt she carried was projected at me, and made me feel as if whatever I did was not good enough for her. In short, she was projecting her disgust with herself at me. For months I was in agony trying to figure out what the heck her problem was. When I found out, while not even looking, my world collapsed that very second. I now had to process her cheating on me *and* the previous months of agony as she projected her guilt and hatred of herself for what she had done.

 

It was absolute hell for me. Hell.

 

Tell your BF. You owe it to him. It's going to destroy him, but at least he will not have to deal with you as you work your way through what happened.

 

I'm not here to judge you. I tried to rebuild with my ex. Sadly, because of *how* she dealt with it and her keeping it from me, I walked.

 

You only have one shot at this: Honesty. Complete and total honesty.

Edited February 24, 2016 by frigginlost

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hello,

 

I'm 21 years old and have been with my 22 year old boyfriend for 4 years.

 

What I'm about to write absolutely disgusts me, I have no valid reason for why it happened and wish everyday that I could right my wrongs.

 

My boyfriend and I had a pretty tumultuous relationship to start with, we were both very young and had just come out of relationships and used to bicker quite a lot, taking short breaks apart here and there. However, the past 2 years have been incredible, I can't complain. Which is why I can't understand why I would try and **** everything up as I have done.

 

I went out last weekend to an old work friend's birthday party. The only other people I knew there were a group of girls and guys that I used to work with so hung around that group all night. They're not usually people I drink around or find myself relaxing amongst so I found that I over compensated and drank 1-2 bottles of wine to try and keep up with them. So much that the majority of the night is a complete and utter blur.

 

I woke up to a load of texts the next morning from people concerned about where I was and what I had done. Saying that I was far too drunk and one of the guys I used to work with had been kissing me in the club. I don't remember anything between the club and getting out of the taxi at home with that same guy. I know I offered him a cup of tea downstairs in my kitchen for the hassle of bringing me home and from there I'm not sure how things progressed to a sexual nature. We did begin to have sex but after a minute I told him to stop, to which he did then rang a taxi and left.

 

I can't get my head around the situation. I'm not going to even try and blame it all on alcohol as I know that is no excuse. I have never done anything in the past to hurt my boyfriend and dread the guilt I now feel. I have absolutely no attraction to the guy that came back to mine and don't know whether I was even making coherent choices.

 

I messaged him the following day to say it was a complete and utter mistake and that I would be cutting contact. I asked how the situation had even progressed so far as I didn't remember all of the night and he said he had wanted to make sure I got home okay in the taxi. I had told him repeatedly that I have a boyfriend and he said he doesn't take advantage of girls that way. However the texts I have from my friends say that they told him to stay away from me in the club and he just laughed about it. I honestly can't remember much bar the actual act of having sex, in which I think I came to a more coherent state of mine through the shock of what I was doing.

 

Now I honestly don't know what to do. I know in my heart that I will never do anything like this again. It hurts to think about the scenario in which I would try to tell my boyfriend, it would honestly break his heart and I feel as though I am far too selfish to tell him. I don't want to risk losing my future over some stupid drunken cheat. I've since looked for help with my drinking as that last time completely terrified me, to not know where I was the majority of the night or what I was doing makes me think that I cannot control my drinking and am better off without it and putting myself into situations that have devastating effects.

 

The guilt is killing me but I know this is my burden to bear. I don't want to break his heart, he's my absolute life and best friend. I have been the biggest c*** I understand. I don't think I can tell him.

 

Can anyone please offer any advice? I know I will be judged and I fully deserve to be. This is tearing me apart and I just needed to get it off my chest.

 

I'm sorry.

 

 

 

 

Your remorse seems so sincere, and this is tough to read for that reason.

 

 

The rule on this sort of a situation is:

 

 

"IF there is any realistic way that the betrayed partner might find out through other channels that someone cheated, then the partner needs to fess-up first, so as to spare the betrayed partner the additional wound of finding out through other channels.

 

If there is no (other) realistic way that the betrayed partner could be expected to learn of the betrayal, then the guilty partner should never tell. (as doing so in such a case is ONLY a reason to inflict pain onto the partner while at the same time reducing one's own guilt)."

 

 

 

Although many cheaters, and cheat-minded people love to harp on about somebody's "rights" to know - that's just a B.S. justification for their own idiocy. (and such people already have a penchant for being unwilling and unable to put someone else's feelings before their own)

[greaterdevil]

Your remorse seems so sincere, and this is tough to read for that reason.

 

 

The rule on this sort of a situation is:

 

 

"IF there is any realistic way that the betrayed partner might find out through other channels that someone cheated, then the partner needs to fess-up first, so as to spare the betrayed partner the additional wound of finding out through other channels.

 

If there is no (other) realistic way that the betrayed partner could be expected to learn of the betrayal, then the guilty partner should never tell. (as doing so in such a case is ONLY a reason to inflict pain onto the partner while at the same time reducing one's own guilt)."

 

 

 

Although many cheaters, and cheat-minded people love to harp on about somebody's "rights" to know - that's just a B.S. justification for their own idiocy. (and such people already have a penchant for being unwilling and unable to put someone else's feelings before their own)

 

Ughh. Just, no. I know that this is a never ending debate on these forums, but it's absolutely not "B.S. justification". Even if OP was 100% sure that she could deal with this without allowing her guilt to hurt and confuse her boyfriend, 100% sure that she wanted to be with her boyfriend forever, and 100% sure that she would never cheat again (all of which are impossible to know with 100% accuracy), her boyfriend still deserves to know the truth.

 

When it comes to picking a partner, every person should have the right to know about huge, dark secrets that might change their mind about wether or not they want to be with said person. Especially in the case of infidelity that occured during their relationship (i.e., it is less important to disclose indiscretions in past relationships).

 

To misrepresent a huge aspect of yourself to another person in order to maintain a relationship with them is akin, in my mind, to stealing years of their life. If I found out that my SO slept with a another man while we were in a committed, monogamous relationship, I would be crushed at the betrayal. But I believe that I could forgive, in time, even if it was no longer in the context of a relationship. But if they lied about it and misrepresented themselves for months, years, or even decades after I would be unable to forgive, I think. They have manipulated me into spending my life with a stranger, and any intimacy I thought we shares would have been false.

 

OP, telling your boyfriend you made a terrible mistake will hurt him, of course. But if you love him or ever have loved him you won't lie to him about who you are. You didn't give him the choice as to wether or not you would have an open relationship--you opened it up for yourself, already toppling the balance of power in your favor.

 

If you respect him at all, give him the power back to make an informed decision about the person he wants to spend his years with. I'm sorry you're going through this, you sound like a nice person who made a bad decision. But now, because you're a good person, you need to own it and do the right thing, even it severs him from your life forever. Good luck.

[sunking101]

OP,

 

As someone who has been cheated on:

 

One of my ex's cheated on me with a former flame of hers. She decided not to tell me, and held it inside for months. The guilt she carried was projected at me, and made me feel as if whatever I did was not good enough for her. In short, she was projecting her disgust with herself at me. For months I was in agony trying to figure out what the heck her problem was. When I found out, while not even looking, my world collapsed that very second. I now had to process her cheating on me *and* the previous months of agony as she projected her guilt and hatred of herself for what she had done.

 

It was absolute hell for me. Hell.

 

Tell your BF. You owe it to him. It's going to destroy him, but at least he will not have to deal with you as you work your way through what happened.

 

I'm not here to judge you. I tried to rebuild with my ex. Sadly, because of *how* she dealt with it and her keeping it from me, I walked.

 

You only have one shot at this: Honesty. Complete and total honesty.

 

Yeah, that's rough. Being treated as if you were the one who had cheated and then finally being told the truth is dispicable. In fact it sounds like the behaviour of a Cluster B-inflicted woman.

[SSJROMANCE]

What if he was drunk? Should he consult a lawyer because she raped him? She lured him back to her place and then she took advantage of him? If BOTH of them were drinking, why is he AUTOMATICALLY labeled a rapist? because he's a man? Because he has a penis?

 

 

Bottomline is that things happened between the to of them when they were both in a drunken state. They started to have sex which she was fully aware of and when she rescinded her consent, he stopped and took it no further. When she told him to stop, he did just that.

 

 

This was NOT rape. This was a case of two people in a drunken state using bad judgment. Rape is too strong a word to throw around haphazardly.

 

 

From what I take from the little information we have is that she DID NOT lure him. HE was the one who "wanted to make sure she was safe". HE was told by her friends to stay away from her. HE is the one who laughed and shrugged that off.

 

Appears to me that he stalked her all the way home and took advantage of her being intoxicated. She was the one with the boyfriend and SHE repeatedly told him so. He took advantage of her and when she finally realized what the hell was going on she stopped it.

 

Agreed this will be hard to prove but it doesn't take away from the fact that this is borderline rape. We don't know if she told him no prior to sex and we don't have all the facts because of her memory. At the end of the day he is a douche bag for preying on this intoxicated girl.

[LoveRefreshed]

Reading this story reminds me of a few nights I had in college. While I might say from her story telling that it's biased in a way that keeps OPs integrity intact. That is where the 'borderline rape' statements are gaining clout. Rape isn't having sex with someone while intoxicated. Rape is forcing someone to have sex without their consent.

 

Having dated different women, I can tell you that even while black out drunk, they knew full well how to handle unwanted advances from men, how to say no, and how to avoid being in those situations. I can recall my gf not even remembering another man trying to dance with her and she shoved him in the chest and said "I have a boyfriend" and came back to sit near me before asking me to take her to BF to puke.

 

Being wasted and blackout drunk inhibits your logic centers, it doesn't kill them. Even if you don't remember the **** you do, it still reflects your inner being. OP didn't get raped, OP got drunk and made poor decisions because she didn't not want to.

[Chi townD]

From what I take from the little information we have is that she DID NOT lure him. HE was the one who "wanted to make sure she was safe". HE was told by her friends to stay away from her. HE is the one who laughed and shrugged that off.

 

Appears to me that he stalked her all the way home and took advantage of her being intoxicated. She was the one with the boyfriend and SHE repeatedly told him so. He took advantage of her and when she finally realized what the hell was going on she stopped it.

 

Agreed this will be hard to prove but it doesn't take away from the fact that this is borderline rape. We don't know if she told him no prior to sex and we don't have all the facts because of her memory. At the end of the day he is a douche bag for preying on this intoxicated girl.

 

 

 

 

No buying it. And apparently you agreed because there's too many holes in her story or else you would be saying that it was rape and not "borderline rape" (which....isn't rape).

 

 

And you said that he stalked her home and took advantage of her intoxication. Chances are this guy was drunk too. So, if two people engage in consensual drunken sex, why is the man always considered a rapist?

 

 

Bottomline, she made some bad choices that night. You stated that her friends approached this guy telling him to leave her alone and he laughed about it. Well, if they approached him, you can be damn sure they approached her about it. And she probably conveyed to them that it was fine, it's cool. I mean, would you allow your drunk friend to jump in a cab with another guy and send her off to get raped? I highly doubt it. I think you would do everything in your power to stop her from doing so and get as many people involved as possible. If too many people are involved, a rapist would give up and walk away. Too many people and too much of a hassle. So, she must have informed her friends that she was okay with this.

 

 

Then, for a person that doesn't remember much. She remembers inviting this guy up for tea. She's not sure how things started to turn sexual, but she does remember it turning sexual. She does remember having sex and she recalls stopping him (to which he did). She knew what was happening the whole time and she remembers the guilt of what she was doing come flooding back to her and was guilt stricken enough to stop it. When you are getting raped, you have NO control over the situation. She had control enough to stop it and she did. She withdrew her consent and it stopped.

 

 

That is NOT rape. She made some poor drunken mistakes, but she wasn't raped.

[William]

It appears the OP has chosen not to return to this discussion, so we'll close this one up. ~Thank you