im so upset im shaking

[miss fortune]

Hi everyone...I am so hurt right now I am shaking...I dont know what to do.

 

My b/f of 2.5 yrs has a close relationship with a female coworker...we had some problems with it but he wrote me a long letter explaining that its important for him to have females in his life, and I accepted that. We moved on, I thought everything was fine.

 

The agreement was, he just had to TELL me about what happens - if they go out together, etc. No biggie. It was ok until tonight. We went to a party and someone asked him how the beach was. I thought, beach?? I knew nothing of him going to a beach recently. I asked and he tried to down play it but it turns out earlier this week he went to the beach with the female coworker. I didnt know what to do...I ended up leaving the party.

 

He followed me out, trying to talk me in to staying and talking about it. I had nothing to say, he knew what he had done wrong, he didnt tell me anything about this. I said "not telling me stuff like this doesnt fly with me. secrets with other females is not acceptable, you knew this. I hope it was worth it, because we are over. You made this choice by choosing not to tell me. Now get out of my way, I am leaving" He stood in front of my car door so I couldnt get in and leave. I am not even sure what he was trying to do because he knew he F'ed up.

 

I left, and here I am. Im numb I dont know what to think or feel. I dont want to lose him, everything was going so well...and then THIS.

 

I havent called him or anything, and I wont. Its going to be so hard tho, I cannot believe he would do something like this - he knew what the consequences were...

 

my heart hurts. I cant sleep, think or eat. What should I do?

[delishious]

Wow, I can understand how you would be upset.

 

One question - Is there anything else that leads you to believe he has been unfaithful? Messages, phone calls, girl friends that he doesn't mention, weird disappearances on his part, past infidelity?

 

Because if the answer is no, and when you're together you feel loved and respected, then I wonder if this is your insecurity thats affecting his decisiveness.

 

If your answer is yes, then I think you set the right standard by pulling off a clean break. You are a strong individual and it won't be easy. However, when his actions don't reassure and instill trust, what is the relationship worth? Not much.

[chaos70]

I made it a point to ensure that my stbxw met each and everyone of my female coworkers, because I did travel with them on business. But never had a "pleasure" trip solely with one of them...maybe going to blow off some steam ranting over some beers at a bar...but ALWAYS called stbxw before hand with location and time I would be home.

 

If he is planning "secret" trips...not good regardless of "his space". I always view it as the "do unto others as they do to you". I'd be pretty angry (and was) when she was going out with all her male friends (and stayed out all night one night). I haven't stopped walking since then either so I personally think you did the right thing.

[ishouldgiveup]

First of all, you should commend yourself for standing up to him like you did, some women might have just kept it all inside there at the party, while dying inside. You were 100% write to handle it the way you did, for making it clear how you felt and that you were leaving and ending it.

 

I don't believe that people in relationships "need" to have friendships with those of the opposite sex - it's not a need like you need food and water and shelter. It might be different if someone was a childhood friend, but other than that, if it's upsetting to your partner and creating trust concerns, it's not good. Why must he be so chummy and close with this coworker? Are they in some kind of job where they must be this chummy?

 

If you were clear with him about the need for him to be honest about things, like when he was doing things with her, and he agreed to do that, and you've now busted him for keeping secrets, you have every reason to wonder what's up and be suspicious.......and if you don't have trust, what do you have? Funny how others knew he was at the beach with her yet you didn't?

 

Stick to your guns. If you get weak and call him up and cry and tell him you're sorry, you didn't mean to break up, you were just hurt, and you try to downplay standing up for yourself, you'll have defeated the purpose of standing up for yourself all together.....and you'll be sending him a message that it's acceptable with you, for him to keep secrets and cross already established boundaries.......and you'll just cave in and suck it up.

 

Be strong, it will be hard but you deserve better and don't forget it.

[Female Guest]

Try to calm down

 

Im sorry you got so upset...I know you were too angry to talk to him at the time this happened.

 

Hopefully you can call him to hear him out if you think that will help

 

It sounds like you went into shock when you heard the news.

 

Do you believe he cheated with her?

 

or is just a lie?

 

if its just a lie then perhaps you've overreacted due to anger/rage

 

if you think he actually cheated and has been carrying on an affair

 

then that explains your reaction.

 

now.... what's the truth?

[miss fortune]

Is there anything else that leads you to believe he has been unfaithful? Messages, phone calls, girl friends that he doesn't mention, weird disappearances on his part, past infidelity?

 

No reason to think he's been cheating..the girl is very flirty and I know she has said stuff like "I luv u" to him before, but she has a boyfriend & a guy they are both friends with is her ex fiance that shes still very close with - the guy still wants to marry her. my b/f is friends with her ex fiance as well.

 

My b/f doesnt disappear ever, he has a ton of free time in comparison to me (I am very busy with work, dance, & bowling w/work people) so he could do whatever he wants thru the day and I would not know any better. But he usually tells me what he did that day (we talk 1-4 times a day) - not because I ask 94353 questions but its just the general "yeah, i did this and this" run down. He has never been unfaithful to me either...in fact he always teases me that i must have another boyfriend because I am always so busy. He was cheated on twice before, the two LT relationships before me both broke his heart. He has said before that he wonders why I havent done it yet. He's not the type to cheat - but everyone says that, "my bf/gf would never cheat on me!" and then...they do...

 

I dont want to think I am crazy but I still feel betrayed. He knew he wasnt telling me about it, and he had *plenty* of chances to do it. I realize its not his first priority to give me a play-by-play of what he does on his spare time, but we live in a northern state and going to the beach is not a common occurance around here. It would definitely be something he would normally tell me - except for this time. And yes I will admit when he tells me he hung out with people and she was also there, I get jealous. But I have been so much better about that lately, I just blow it off and change the subject or whatever if it bothers me.

 

Im very confused. I wouldnt doubt he went back in to the party and told everyone I left because I was upset and then they were all "oh shes crazy for being mad at u over something like that" but I really am hurt. I guess its a good thing that he tried to keep me there to talk about it, but really there was nothing to discuss...he knew exactly what he had done. I'm glad I didnt yell and scream or make a scene in front of his friends cuz I'd probably be feeling really guilty right now about that. But I am always really good about that, I keep it in private and I dont yell. I dont even know why I am saying all this, my mind is all over the place

 

Its just so painful and annoying when someone deliberately doesnt tell you stuff - its like not telling the whole truth is lying.

[delishious]

this is a very difficult and emotional situation

 

first of all, i don't think your reaction was over what would be expected. however, when you explain it further, i am concerned with this equation of "boyfriend who believes u will cheat on him b/c all others have" + "super flirtatious (can we call her whore?) office coworker".

 

unless he is a stand up guy who has strong sense of right/wrong and vowing to never make anyone else feel like he did when he was cheated on, this might be a problem. sometimes people who have been cheated on many times before choose to cheat before the other one gets to the punch. i can shamefully admit that this comes from personal experience. however, i would never think of doing this in my current relationship because he means so very much to me. it depends on level of attachment.

 

best of luck. calm down and talk about it when you're ready. i am strong believer in writing things down then reading them before you branch into an important conversation like this one.

[lindya]

I don't think you should do anything just now - other than maybe calling a friend round to have a talk about this.

You were pushed into accepting this friendship. You didn't want to make a big deal about it, because you were anxious that your boyfriend shouldn't be stifled by the relationship. Most of us benefit from having a good mix of friends. I can see that you wouldn't want to deprive him of that.

 

On the other hand, there's such a thing as being blinded by the ideal scenario of strictly platonic friendships. Anxiety about not wanting to seem uncool or insecure can sometimes result in you accepting a partner's word that "there's nothing in it" - even when all your instincts are screaming that there most probably is something in it.

 

I have male friends, and provided we're both single I'll spend plenty of alone time with those male friends. Once one of you gets into a relationship, though, you have to accept that the "alone time" might not be appropriate any more. You either extend the hand of friendship to the new partner, or you back off. I know I'm imposing my own rules on other people here, but I don't tend to trust people who can't or won't adjust their behaviour (not to mention expectations of the friendship) out of respect for their friend's partner. Whether or not your partner has been unfaithful in the past, I don't think you've shown an unwarranted level of insecurity in response to this situation.

 

I wouldn't write the relationship off altogether. Don't get in touch with him, but if he contacts you once you've cooled down, you might want to discuss this in a bit more depth. Ask him to compare his relationship with this female friend to the one he has with you. How much difference is there? Can he understand why your relationship is starting to look less than exclusive to you? Get him to stand in your shoes for a few moments so that he can see how things are from your perspective.

 

Let him know that the only way to rebuild trust between you would involve sending out a clear message to this girl that his relationship comes first and she needs to respect that. This would involve cutting out the cosy "alone time" they've been sharing. Is there any reason why she can't see the two of you together as a couple?

 

If he's not prepared to do any of this, if he gets angry about you not trusting him - and accuses you of being jealous, suspicious and insecure, THEN it might be time to show him the door permanently.

[miss fortune]

Hey guys,

 

Ishouldgiveup said:

>Why must he be so chummy and close with this coworker? Are they in some kind of job where they must be this chummy?

 

They work at a restaurant and she has a higher position than he. Theyve been close because she dated a friend of his and all of his friends are friends with her, so he naturally is as well. She acknowledges me when I am around her, of course -- but I have no idea what they act like when I am not there. The beach? I keep picturing them all cutesy in their swim suits having a ball while I'm stressing out at work, but none the wiser. For some reason this is harder for me to accept them some simple trip to the bar or something. So no they dont *have* to be chummy but he has other female friends he is close with as well and I've come to accept that he is simply one of those people who has a lot of friends, including females. Him & I are a match like no other, so considering thats my only downfall with him, I thought things would be fine.

 

 

>On the other hand, there's such a thing as being blinded by the ideal scenario of strictly platonic friendships. Anxiety about not wanting to seem uncool or insecure can sometimes result in you accepting a partner's word that "there's nothing in it" - even when all your instincts are screaming that there most probably is something in it.

 

I think I may be guilty of emotionally cheating on him. For a while, he and I didnt spend a lot of time together and I was very close with another male whom he didnt know about. I think quite possibly a lot of my guilt gets projected on to him because I worry he will do it to me. I know what I did wrong and I accepted that I may get what I deserve, but he doesnt know anything about it so I was hoping it would just pass over and not come back to haunt me. I realized I loved him too much to let someone come between us which is when I stopped talking to the other male. so, often I have to second guess myself...is this really anxiety about their relationship plain & simple or am I getting worried because I myself am guilty?

 

>Funny how others knew he was at the beach with her yet you didn't?

 

Well, actually it was the girl's sister who inquired about how the beach went, so it was more likely the girl who was talking about it to others and not him. But thats not the point, and you are absolutely right. If there was nothing to worry about, he would tell me. OR he should have, anyway.

 

>Stick to your guns. If you get weak and call him up and cry and tell him you're sorry, you didn't mean to break up, you were just hurt, and you try to downplay standing up for yourself, you'll have defeated the purpose of standing up for yourself all together

 

I have made this mistake in previous relationships and definitely learned my lesson. He knows he screwed up and I know that I acted the way almost anyone else would. Of course I still wonder if HE is smart enough to realize what happened and to love me enough to fix it...time will tell. If he comes to me to want to work things out, I'll know I mean more to him than this other girl - depending on what his selling points are for me to take him back. I really do think he will apologize for this, but I dont know how long its going to be which makes it all really hard. I keep glancing at my phone like an idiot...it doesnt matter if he called me today anyway, I Wouldnt answer or call him back when I havent cooled off. But it still hurts seeing that hes not trying...do u think he will at least try to work it out with me? Two years is such a long time to throw out.

 

Female guest said:

>Hopefully you can call him to hear him out if you think that will help

 

I wont be calling him, because to me that means I am giving in and allowing him to do what he has done. I do want to talk about this with him but its going to have to be him who acknowledges his wrong doing before anyone gets a word in....

 

>It sounds like you went into shock when you heard the news.

 

Oh yes was I EVER. My heart was racing, my mouth was dry, I was shaking and talking in a shrill tone. I could not believe it was happening, especially after how well things had been and how I thought we had moved past this issue entirely.

 

>Do you believe he cheated with her?

 

No I dont think he did. Its just the nature of him hiding it that is messing with my head. I know why he did it -- because he knows how I get and even if I dont show it, he knows I get jealous when shes around. But that is not an excuse, he agreed that all he had to do was TELL me (before OR right after, either was fine but finding out thru other people was NOT an option) and that would be enough.

 

Delishious said:

>unless he is a stand up guy who has strong sense of right/wrong and vowing to never make anyone else feel like he did when he was cheated on

 

This is a perfect explanation of him.

 

>sometimes people who have been cheated on many times before choose to cheat before the other one gets to the punch

 

He wouldnt do this - although I totally know what u are saying. He may be someone who will be out to get revenge if you mess with him, but its strictly between that person and himself. He doesnt try to cause problems, and he I really think he loves me too much to try something like this...

 

>i am strong believer in writing things down then reading them before you branch into an important conversation like this one.

 

Good idea, I will do that! I can already tell its going to be a "I hate you for doing this to me" letter lol

 

 

Lindya said:

>I wouldn't write the relationship off altogether. Don't get in touch with him, but if he contacts you once you've cooled down, you might want to discuss this in a bit more depth.

 

I dont want to walk away from him, believe me. It hurts so bad knowing that of all things that could tear us apart, this shouldnt be one of them. But I wont contact him...I am more than willing to discuss it and if I feel he truly means well and he does understand what he did wrong and he shows remorse, then we can move on. He had done this one time previously, where they all went to a bar (people from work) and she was included. He coincidentally forgot to mention he went out, and only when I smelled alcohol on him did he admit he went out. And even then, I had to ASK if she was there, he wouldnt offer it up himself. So at that point I made the point to say, one more time and we are through. He said he would try, I said trying wasnt good enough, either he told me, or I was gone. He reluctantly agreed. His arguement is always that i get too worked up when it involves her and hes protecting my feelings. Bulls***, it hurts way more finding out later and feeling like the only person on earth who didnt know about their outing than to just find out and get over it immediately after the fact.

 

>Ask him to compare his relationship with this female friend to the one he has with you. How much difference is there? Can he understand why your relationship is starting to look less than exclusive to you? Get him to stand in your shoes for a few moments so that he can see how things are from your perspective.

 

I only hope I can put in to words how I feel and the situation so that he can put himself in my place. I have tried that before with other stuff and its not easy!!

 

>Whether or not your partner has been unfaithful in the past, I don't think you've shown an unwarranted level of insecurity in response to this situation.

 

Thank you!!

 

>Is there any reason why she can't see the two of you together as a couple?

 

I think she does and she doesnt care enough to think that what she is doing is wrong. Shes not the sharpest tool in the box - and although she is older and (she thinks) smarter, I'm one step ahead of her because I have been that girl before...I feel ashamed to say it but I have been in her shoes.

 

>if he gets angry about you not trusting him - and accuses you of being jealous, suspicious and insecure, THEN it might be time to show him the door permanently.

 

There was one other time I got all huffed about something involving her and he did get angry with me telling me I need to be more trusting of him. In a way I understood, but then he told me I was just being insecure. He wasnt being mean about it, but more sad/disappointed than anything else. I was pissed, and started thinking maybe he was right. But then it dawned on me that IF i was feeling insecure, he wasnt doing a good job of making me feel assured that our relationship was secure or else I wouldnt have that problem to begin with. I told him that, along with the fact that I was upset because he wasnt respecting the boundaries of our relationship and that jealousy was not an issue in this matter. Who knows if he agreed with me or not, but I remember him saying that he didnt understand how someone as beautiful as me would even worry, and he made me look in to his eyes and expressed that even if he had felt the desire to be with her and I wasnt in the picture, he still wouldnt be with her because they are simply like brother/sister and he has higher standards than her. That I was way better than her and for him to go to her after me would be like "Downgrading". I do think he meant what he was saying.

 

Until I see him try to fix this, its going to bother the crap out of me because if he doesnt come to me it makes me feel as tho he is choosing her, albeit a friendship, over me. THAT hurts, because he & I have been together longer than he has even known her.

 

I just want to scream, ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TELL ME!! It seems like such a simple concept.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think there is more going on between them than you think. I have a very hard time believing that they are 'just friends'. Guys don't get that insistent - to the detriment of their relationship with their girlfriend about a girl who is 'just a friend' unless they have some deeper emotional attachment or flirtation going on - and they certainly don't go out with said 'friend' behind their girlfriend's back when she makes it clear she wants to be in the loop about things like that.

 

You will want to play it VERY CAUTIOUSLY with this situation. It sounds like he has his 'friendship' with her a lot higher on his emotional priority list than you may think.

 

I remember him saying that he didn't understand how someone as beautiful as me would even worry, and he made me look in to his eyes and expressed that even if he had felt the desire to be with her and I wasn't in the picture, he still wouldn't be with her because they are simply like brother/sister and he has higher standards than her. That I was way better than her and for him to go to her after me would be like "Downgrading".

 

I think he's gaslighting you. If he were truthful about this, he wouldn't have put his relationship with you at risk by taking her to the beach behind your back.

[delishious]

i think you've had a lot of good advice on this subject. isn't this website wonderful?

 

i agree with you on not calling him. let him do the work to repair this situation he's messed up.

 

another thing that concerns me (you know situation best, but..) the flirtatious-coworker-beach-girl's sister ended up breaking the question at the party about the beach. i wonder if this was on purpose, knowing that you would freak out and leave (no worries we all would girlfriend). sometimes sisters are in on things like that, and appear to not "plant the seed" by mentioning it to a group of people instead of directly. they sound like vicious people. if he's a catch, i guarantee that they will do anything together to help out breaking you guys up, and fixing him up with the flirtatious-coworker-beach-girl.

 

miss fortune, can you let us know how this all ends up? i feel like you're my sister now! i have sisters, and if any of this sh*t happened to any of us, I would be there wedging myself between the flirtatious-coworker and my sister's boyfriend. thats maybe what you need, a strong girl friend on-board who can be your second pair of eyes.

 

i agree with some of the other listings that his persistance at keeping the friendship so close is concerning. i worked in a restaurant to once and our managers coudln't fraternize with wait staff. however, the whole hospitality industry is famous for fraternizing staff, and its not uncommon that she, as manager or senior, would be trying to put on moves. its his response that is not normal. what is his attachment? does he try to incorporate her with his girlfriend? ie. let's all go to the movies, dinner. if not, i would be questioning why things have to be kept secret, and why he chooses to keep her in his life at all. guys may do stupid things and appear stupid at times, but the body language of "IM DIGGING YOU" which flirtatious girl is giving to him, will not be misinterpreted. after all, think of the whole process at bars when guys pick girls up - they don't miss a signal then.

[miss fortune]

I dont know what to think...part of me thinks theres no way she would try to get with my bf because she has a boyfriend herself AND an exfiance in the picture. When we've hung out as a group, she has mentioned a couple of times how we need to get together more often and whatnot. It kinda does sound like the girl's sister was intentionally throwing in that bit of info to make me suspicious, although at the same time I do not know. I dont want to be the one who thinks everyone is against me or something...her sister is dating my bf's close friend so it might make sense that shes trying to get me out of the picture so they can have a big happy family together.

 

ever since I have known him, he has had female friends. When we first met, he hadnt been in a relationship for 2 years, and seemed very lonely although he did still have those friends that were girls. We moved in to the relationship very slowly because I was quite aware of those friendships and they made me nervous, as I had never dealt with something like that before. We took it all very slowly and here we are 2.5 years later.

 

>if he's a catch, i guarantee that they will do anything together to help out breaking you guys up, and fixing him up with the flirtatious-coworker-beach-girl.

 

This comment made my stomach churn. He IS a catch and I can only hope that he loves me enough to want to work things out and he wont go to that other girl. I wont try to prevent it either tho, not now. If he wants to, he is free to do what he pleases and it wouldnt make sense for me to try to talk him in to otherwise.

 

>I think he's gaslighting you. If he were truthful about this, he wouldn't have put his relationship with you at risk by taking her to the beach behind your back.

 

I dont know what gaslighting is, but I do not think he was trying to sabotage our relationship by going to the beach with her. I think that in his mind, he sees nothing wrong with them being friends and i am being irrational for acting the way I do about it (jealous). But I dont think he was pushing bulls*** on me because its just not him to do that.

 

I am going to go nuts waiting to see how this all works out. When/if I do talk to him (its inevitable that we talk because we have stuff of eachothers and a joint purchase that would need to be settled) I dont know what I am going to do or say.

 

 

>i agree with some of the other listings that his persistance at keeping the friendship so close is concerning

 

It bothers me too, but I always wrote it off because ALL of his friends are friends with her - thats how he met her was because another friend of his was seeing her. I know its not normal for them to hang out together alone and definitely not in private - its always public or with a huge group of people. So to me, who am I to be the b itch who insists he cant be included in all of that? I cant do that, its not who I am.

 

I got mad about a month ago at him because I was at work and he called me to chat, and I found out he was waiting at the tire shop with HER car because she got a flat while on her way to work. She called people to help but no one was available (b/f was in another state at the time) so she asked my bf. He is a very nice guy and will help whenever he sees fit, and apparently he didnt have anything else to do so he went ahead and took her car in while she was working. I got upset at this as to me it seemed like a little too much for him to do for her...so I told him how I felt about it and that I was very mad.

 

We didnt talk for three days which is VERY unusual, we havent gone more than 24 hours without at least talking in our entirety of our time together. So the silence was killing me...and ultimately I called him after an especially nerve wracking incident happened to me, because I needed to talk to someone. He called me back and we were friendly. I mentioned the flat-tire situation and if he had given thought to what i said, and he said yes but that he didnt want to discuss it on the phone. We planned a day to get together and talk, and he had written me a five page letter (that is a BIG deal for him, he doesnt like to write) and he read it to me. It first listed off all the things he loves about me and how hard it was the past three days without me around. He said it was "sad and confusing". Then he explained that he didnt see what was wrong with what he did, and also why he has always had females in his life. He said that this was not something he could change, that it was who he was, and that he will love me to the ends of the earth whatever choice I choose, but I had to accept that fact if we were going to stay together. I agreed on the stipulation that he keeps me included on their hanging out and either invite me or at least let me know when they do.

 

I feel sick - I Am still in shock because I havent cried yet...it just hurts so badly that everything could take such a turn for the worst.

 

Delishious,

>can you let us know how this all ends up? i feel like you're my sister now

 

Thank you, that means a lot to me <3 I will let you know what happens...I only hope I have an update sooner than later...

[delishious]

after reading more about the letter, it sounds like he is geniune and that he wants to clearly show you that he's into you, but to be comfortable with his female companions.

 

true, since he is a catch, these female companions may want more of him than they can have.

 

i think you're only option is to decide what you can handle. i don't think the females in his life are going to change - you mentioned he's had lots of female friends for a very long time. he's probably surrounded by them at the restaurant he works in, and if its not this girl, it will be another one. if you can learn to build trust, share open and honest (without getting upset about his rescuing damsels in distress), then i think he's on board with you judging by the letter. however, if he makes you feel jealous and gets kicks off that (some guys want the reinforcement), then this is an emotionally abusing relationship, and one which would be difficult to part with. yo-yo emotion relationships are not fun. you can find a guy who will focus his attention on you and not have to deal with this level of jealousy.

 

important to note here, is that you did get upset about him being at the tire shop. you're sending him conflicting messages about being open and honest, and saying you won't be angry as long as he speaks up. its a typical pavlovian instinct - when burned, don't go near the fire again. he was burned by telling you about this tire shop incident, so perhaps he didn't want to upset you again by mentioning the beach.

 

keep cool. remember - disappointment is a greater emotion than anger. guys get angry right back or "tune out", but disappointment and heartbreak makes them feel horrible. strategize your conversation with disappointment!

[miss fortune]

>you're sending him conflicting messages about being open and honest, and saying you won't be angry as long as he speaks up.

 

I should probably clarify that I said, tell me and I will be ok with it AFTER the car/tire thing happened. Before that I may have said it but not in such a serious situation, it was more like, just tell me for petes sake! or something. after our letter/talk about the tire incident, we made an agreement that he would tell me the truth. At least that was my interpretation of it.

 

I know that 105% of the reaosn he didnt tell me was because he knew I would get the "youve never taken me to the beach, why are you taking her?" thoughts thru my head. I seriously dont think he is keeping it from me because he is up to something - but when he doesnt tell me, what else I am supposed to think? its such a messed ujp situation.

 

I'm sure I could meet someone else that I'd get along with and be jhappy with, but before meeting him I had been dating so many guys - and not being able to click with ANY of them for 4 years after my last LT relationship, that I am scared to be back out in the single world. I am picky and emotional and when I met him it was such a breath of fresh air - in fact the way we met and the amount of coinicental stuff about us was so bizarre we decided it was fate we had met. So i cant help but think if this is meant to be, it will be.

 

I'm not the type to jump ship when I thnink theres still possiblity of salvaging something, but I also dont want to force anything. Relationships are so tough - and yet I dont know what we'd do without them

 

I am a jealous person - my whole life has been filled with deceit stemming from my parents' relationship, and just now his parents split up from infedelity. His mom said to me, there is no way he would ever do that to you -- he has been thru it before and he saw what it did to his parents' marriage. I believe that. But I still have to hammer in the point that he MUST keep me included ... it'll be so much easier for me to get a little ticked for a minute and then forget about it then for me to find out about it THRU SOMEONE ELSE, after the fact - ugh this is just so exhausting!!!

 

I love this board tho, you guys are so insightful and helpful...I'd probably be having a panic attack right now if it wasnt for you

[Horse]

I sorta feel bad for this guy.

 

You get angry and jealous when he tells you he was hanging with or helping his friend.

 

You get jealous and break up with him when he doesn't tell you .

 

You've basically left him two options. Get rid of all of his female friends (because there will always be one that you are jealous of) or get rid of you.

 

You may have just made the decision for him.

[miss fortune]

Thank you, Horse, for the encouraging words.

[morrigan]

Originally posted by lindya

On the other hand, there's such a thing as being blinded by the ideal scenario of strictly platonic friendships. Anxiety about not wanting to seem uncool or insecure can sometimes result in you accepting a partner's word that "there's nothing in it" - even when all your instincts are screaming that there most probably is something in it.

 

 

What happened was a dealbreaker--you two discussed his friendship with this girl and he said he would be honest with you about it. He then went out of his way to hide the time he spent with her. You feel it was fate to be with him, you're scared of dating again, you feel guilty about your attraction to another guy, it still doesn't explain away his behavior.

 

He places a lot of priority on this friendship, seemingly to the same amount as your relationship. I'd question it. This friend may be charismatic and flirty, and women could throw themselves at him in droves, but no one else controls how your ex reacts to it or obliges him to lie about his activities. I'd keep this in mind if you decide to date him again.

[magda]

If you really don't think he MEANT to do anything wrong and that he isn't cheating, you really ought to talk to him about it. This - your jealousy and insecurity - should be his problem, too. If he is not going to work with you on that (reaching an understanding that is a compromise) then the relationship will have to end.

[miss fortune]

Magda,

 

>If you really don't think he MEANT to do anything wrong and that he isn't cheating, you really ought to talk to him about it. This - your jealousy and insecurity - should be his problem, too. If he is not going to work with you on that (reaching an understanding that is a compromise) then the relationship will have to end.

 

Do you suggest I call him? Or wait for him to contact me? I really honestly truly believe he did not cheat. Or ever will. But I do wonder why he is so insistent on making this girl a priority when he knows how I feel about her.

 

What would u do?

[miss fortune]

he didnt call tonight like I thought he would but i got a really weird text from him that said "you SMS'd the wrong boyfriend" which leads me to believe that when me and my GIRL friend were making plans, somehow I sent him a text?? I dont know because my phone doesnt keep all my sent messages and I Dont remember doing it but its definitely possible since he was on my mind anyway. It was very strange.

 

Anyway...so he leaves on vacation thurs for a week. I am beginning to think he wont call me and this will not get worked out any time soon

[HoneyWheat]

do you want it worked out?

 

if so, how do you think it should be worked out?

 

I get the idea you think he should call you to apologize or give in to your demands....

 

however, you did blow up and he may not know when is good to talk to you....

 

he may decide to wait until he gets back from vacation...ie get away and enjoy himself without this problem on his mind

 

but if you can't wait until he gets back you might want to call him back

 

that text was kinda your hint perhaps

 

or maybe he is testing you

 

or maybe he really is cheating on you with that other girl and is trying to justify it by accusing you of cheating on him

 

but you did leave in a way that said "we are through"

 

so he might be afraid to call if your gonna shut him out

 

but you really need to trust your instincts...only you know the situation... we aren;t there and don't know everything

[HoneyWheat]

Originally posted by miss fortune

he didnt call tonight like I thought he would but i got a really weird text from him that said "you SMS'd the wrong boyfriend"

 

send him a snappy text back but don't refer to your girlfriend or any imaginary boyfriend...refer instead to the girl he went to the beach with....

 

if you want him to call make him so mad in text that he'll have to call

 

but probably he is scoping out whether it is okay to call by texting you first and seeing how that goes

[miss fortune]

well i am on day two of no contact -- the most we have ever gone is 2.5 days. And I was the one who initiated contact last time because I needed someone, ANYone to talk to at that moment. Otherwise I dont know how long it'd have dragged on for...when I mentioned to him that I was suprised I still hadnt heard from him and that I was wondering if he was ever going to call me, he said "I would have called you". But when?!!

 

I realize I have the upper hand here as this was totally him at fault, but I still feel awful like I am being too harsh about it. I will feel miserable if I dont hear from him by the end of the week...and he leaves for vacation on thurs so even if I did the odds of us talking about stuff would be dragged on until next tues when he comes home. This all just makes me feel sick, I want to go back to how good things were. I realize in my heart that apparently they werent THAT good because he'd have told me outright about this beach trip...but I dont know if I can throw away 2.5 wonderful years with someone I love so much because he decided not to tell me about it. In retrospect it could be worse...

 

I still cannot believe this is happening to us...even if he does call, I dont even know if we can work anything out because I'm not sure there's anything he can say that will make me want to try all over again. I wish I knew what he was thinking and/or doing right now...

 

I am trying so hard to be strong and not call him. I'm taking a day at a time but it's only been two and there's people on this board that have gone 16 and gawd how agonizing that must be. I wonder if he misses me or if he even feels like he screwed up? Does he wonder the same things about me??

 

Today is going to be very hard here at work, I am on the verge of tears and the weather is awful which just makes it all the more horrible.

 

I wish he would just send me some sort of indication that he wants things to work. knowing he at least wants to work it out means 100x to me, even if it cant in the long run. I guess what hurts the most is that he has a fallback, as I'm sure that girl wil take him in if he decides to go to her. And I have nothing but myself and a broken heart...

 

I just had to put the pic of him on my desk face down so I didnt keep glancing at it. This is ridiculous.

[NiCoLe20]

u can do it!! dont contact him! he made the mistake and lied, now he gotta come to you and apologize... i went thru the same exact thing this weekend. if he loves you like imsure he does, he will apoligize, if he doesnt, that says a wholelot about him...

 

even if u dont talk before he goes on vacation, let it be. he will be on vacation thinking about you a lot. he'll be wondering what ur doin and stuff like that b/c he's not around... he'll probably even call you to talk b/c when your on vacation, all you do is relax and chill out and think... and you'll be on his mind.

 

this weekend i went thru the same b.s... i was at a party, and after that i went to the bar with my girl, to meet up with my b/f. when i get there he wasnt there. i called him up and he said he was with his friend mark and was about to get dropped off in 5 min., so wait right there. his friends didnt tell me where he was so i called him again. now he tells me he's pickin up someone?! so im like ok hurry up, i wanna leave. he pulls up with a girl.. im like WTF is goin on, causing a huge scene lol. turns out, he was with this girl looking for her boyfriend? but her boyfriend showed up at the bar right before they did. i was really confused b/c he lied to me and didnt say he was with this girl. that got me super pissed.. if he wouldve told the truth from the beginning i wouldnt of been as mad. then i walk away from him and he's pulling onmy arm to talk to him, he's on the verge of tears. he apologized and we made up... but still DONT LIE.!!

 

i know where ur coming from, just ignore him... its his fault!!

[miss fortune]

nicole:

 

>even if u dont talk before he goes on vacation, let it be. he will be on vacation thinking about you a lot. he'll be wondering what ur doin and stuff like that b/c he's not around... he'll probably even call you to talk b/c when your on vacation, all you do is relax and chill out and think... and you'll be on his mind.

 

Thank you, I never thought of it that way but you are absolutely right. He is going to a wedding, too :b so I hope it tears at his heart strings the whole damn time. I hope he calls, not so much so we can get back together but because it shows that 2.5 yrs was invested in something that actually matters to him. I cant imagine him walking away from this, and not trying to talk about it. I just cant. Not when he tried to prevent me from leaving the party to begin with...

 

I am sorry you had to deal with miscommunication and confusion this weekend too Its the most awful thing -- to feel like you & I were/are feeling...

 

I won't call...I cant call...I wont call...he'll call me...I keep telling myself this..