im so upset im shaking

[HoneyWheat]

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita

anyways.......so my bf is still "friends" with gal.... , but i had just asked him to tell me when he was out with her, out of common curtousy to me.....Plus, if i was hanging out with some dude i had kissed he would want to know.

 

And he has hung out with "the group" with out telling me. actually i called him and he was out with them...... and i eventually drug it out of him that she was there.....so that by me having to basically pull it from him, after i kinda "catch "him out....that to me is decietful, and may as well be considered lying.

of course he says he was gonna call and tell me.......yeah right, that was why I called him, because it was late, i was worried, and he had NOT called me.

 

and, she freaking calls him in his birthday! while i was there....i was pissed, i could not help it.

 

Also, it makes me feel like he does not even want me to be there or hang out with these work friends....he does not invite me.....of course he knows i hate her guts, and never want to see her, and that is what he tells me when i mentioned it once....

 

anyways, as you can see, i am not completely convinced, and i do not think my bf is doing his damnest to convince me otherwise.....which i think he should. and to do that, would mean he would not hang out with this girl, or take her calls while i am there. it is rude to me, his gf, who he says he loves.

 

AND~ I always thought, if anyone in our relationship would cheat, that it would be me.

 

 

ok you are right to be angry and to be expect to be INCLUDED in his social life...because you are his GIRLFRIEND....by not being included and invited to me you are not really his girlfriend but just a girl he dates.

 

so i would visit this topic with him of what he thinks a girlfriend is and let him know what you expect otherwise forget being exclusive only to him....

 

its not right to be exclusive with someone who excludes you from his social group life

[miss fortune]

I think i might know what is bugging you....

 

you want to be more involved in his social life...be included

 

i bet you wish you were there when he was socializing at lunch together with his co-worker

 

is this what is bugging you?

 

 

so i think its just jealousy of his social life and not be included to do stuff...not being asked if you want to go, that type of thing

 

OMG THATS IT. THAT IS SO TOTALLY IT. I never thought of it like that but its EXACTLY what I get mad about!!!! When they go to the bar, or hang out with others or WHATEVER, I dont usually get invited A lot of the time its because I work a ton - but you have totally nailed it on the money. I never realized it though I should thank you

 

when he called he was just saying hi, telling me about his day, etc...but he got cut off because of bad signal so we didnt really talk much at all. We'll see, he might call me later. Although the basket ball game is on tonight so who knows...

[HoneyWheat]

your welcome

 

Let us know how it goes

 

Honeywheat

[Horse]

Miss Fortune If she is not his type etc. why do you always want to know when he is around this chick? Do you ask him to tell you when he is around any other women?

 

I can understand you wanting to know everything, if there is a legit reason to mistrust this particular situation (as in Rubias case).

 

If my wife had a problem with one particular female friend, I doubt I would have a problem ending that friendship. She wouldn't do that without a good reason. If she was suspicious and mistrusting of all of my friendships I would be much more resistant to ditching one or more friends.

 

I have just walked away from relationships like your guy. I figured it was over, so I never bothered to call or anything, but I wasn't really into those women anyway, so it was easy. I don't think it is a good sign that he was willing to give up so easy and that he didn't apologize when he had the opportunity.

[miss fortune]

I have just walked away from relationships like your guy. I figured it was over, so I never bothered to call or anything, but I wasn't really into those women anyway, so it was easy. I don't think it is a good sign that he was willing to give up so easy and that he didn't apologize when he had the opportunity.

 

How long were these relationships for?

 

Just because he didnt call me in 1.5 days does not mean he is walking away from the relationship or giving up on it "so easy", as you say. It means he was cooling off and who knows, maybe waiting for me to show a sign that I wouldnt flip out if we talked about this.

 

 

I can understand you wanting to know everything, if there is a legit reason to mistrust this particular situation (as in Rubias case).

 

He feels the same way, and I do too...NOW. See, in his mind he didnt lie to me, he told me what he did that day (layed out in the sun/fell asleep) he said he didnt tell me the rest because he knew I would be upset.

 

Everyone is going to have their own opinions and ideas on how my relationship may or may not work.

 

I'm going to allow it to take its natural course and not just simply jump ship -- he & I are very close and for me to walk away "so easy" would be an insult to our investment together.

[Horse]

Only a few months, so it is not exactly the same thing. I may have been thrown off by the part where he said he didn't call because he thought you were broken up. Not ccalling because you guys needed time to cool off is a different situation (makes sense).

[miss fortune]

Only a few months, so it is not exactly the same thing. I may have been thrown off by the part where he said he didn't call because he thought you were broken up. Not ccalling because you guys needed time to cool off is a different situation (makes sense).

 

I thought so too...thanks

[FolderWife]

I thought that somewhere in here you said, "He knows that what he did was wrong!" But he is acting like he did nothing wrong.

 

You have just given him solid evidence that he has your permission to walk all over you and do whatever he wants.

 

You and he agree to certain rules regarding his friendships with other women. You aren't totally comfortable with him having friendships with other women, but you stretched as far as you could to give him his freedom while you still maintain your peace of mind.

 

Well, he doesn't give a flying f***ock about you, so he does whatever he wants, and just doesn't tell you about it.

 

Well, you find out about it. You are understandably hurt...you now know that he doesn't care about you at all...he doesn't care if he hurts you. He doesn't care if you leave. If you don't like the fact that he doesn't care about your feelings, and will do whatever he wants, then you are free to go...but he's not going to fight for you, because you aren't worth it to him.

 

So you get upset and leave him, and don't call him. He couldn't care less. You don't know how to react to his uncaring attitude towards you, and since you are smart enough to realize that he doesn't care about you at all, you get scared that he won't call.

 

So you do what every other desperate woman in your position does...you made up an excuse to call him and see him.

 

He punishes you for being upset with him. He doesn't apologize. He blames his not calling on you; says he thought you broke up with him.

 

He's got a secret little side peice, and if you dump him, he'll screw her full time...but if you keep him, he'll do you both. He doesn't care about you, all he cares about is what you have between your legs.

 

He probably wants to break up with you, but he's comfortable in his two year relationship with you, so he's not sure how life will be without you, and he's scared about that...but he was obviously going to use this as an excuse to do what he already wanted to do: break up with you.

 

So be naive. Be desperate. Be needy and clingy. Set rules. Bend over backwards when he breaks those rules, and make excuses for him.

 

Whatever...it's your life, not mine. If you want to throw your love and time away on someone who doesn't care whether you're in his life or not, then more power to you.

[miss fortune]

I thought that somewhere in here you said, "He knows that what he did was wrong!" But he is acting like he did nothing wrong.

 

You have just given him solid evidence that he has your permission to walk all over you and do whatever he wants.

 

You and he agree to certain rules regarding his friendships with other women. You aren't totally comfortable with him having friendships with other women, but you stretched as far as you could to give him his freedom while you still maintain your peace of mind.

 

Well, he doesn't give a flying f***ock about you, so he does whatever he wants, and just doesn't tell you about it.

 

Well, you find out about it. You are understandably hurt...you now know that he doesn't care about you at all...he doesn't care if he hurts you. He doesn't care if you leave. If you don't like the fact that he doesn't care about your feelings, and will do whatever he wants, then you are free to go...but he's not going to fight for you, because you aren't worth it to him.

 

So you get upset and leave him, and don't call him. He couldn't care less. You don't know how to react to his uncaring attitude towards you, and since you are smart enough to realize that he doesn't care about you at all, you get scared that he won't call.

 

So you do what every other desperate woman in your position does...you made up an excuse to call him and see him.

 

He punishes you for being upset with him. He doesn't apologize. He blames his not calling on you; says he thought you broke up with him.

 

He's got a secret little side peice, and if you dump him, he'll screw her full time...but if you keep him, he'll do you both. He doesn't care about you, all he cares about is what you have between your legs.

 

He probably wants to break up with you, but he's comfortable in his two year relationship with you, so he's not sure how life will be without you, and he's scared about that...but he was obviously going to use this as an excuse to do what he already wanted to do: break up with you.

 

So be naive. Be desperate. Be needy and clingy. Set rules. Bend over backwards when he breaks those rules, and make excuses for him.

 

Whatever...it's your life, not mine. If you want to throw your love and time away on someone who doesn't care whether you're in his life or not, then more power to you.

 

Actually he is not cheating on me, and I know I mean a lot to him - just because he doesnt call for ONE DAY does not mean he is throwing out the relationship!!! What is wrong with you people that you have to automatically assume this s***?!!

 

I made an EXCUSE to call him? Hello, yeah I forced my f%^ing cat to DIE - thanks a lot, that was quite thoughtful of you to say.

 

I came to this board looking for some insight, not to get screamed at like I dont know what I am doing.

 

HE IS NOT SCREWING HER, and even *IF* I was out of the picture he still wouldnt be.

 

He called me last night and we talked for 45 mins about our situation, and what it comes down to is this: I have no reason to think he would ever cheat on me. NONE. He has NEVER deliberately lied to me, he has only done so much as not telling me the whole story so as to not hurt my feelings. I asked for this - I literally asked for him to hold info from me by freaking out every other time he DID tell me. And you think we can both change over night? I'll bet you must have a perfect relationship for you to throw around your theories and assumptions so carelessly.

 

Maybe you could take in to consideration that there are EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS involved here. We have both made some bad mistakes and it got us to where we are. we know that know, and we're both going to look inside ourselves to fix it.

 

Again, thanks for the lovely advice. My morning started off quite nice thanks to you.

[FolderWife]

So...has he apologized to you?

[miss fortune]

He said he was sorry he hurt me and that it was not intentional, that he was going out of his way to KEEP from hurting me to begin with.

[FolderWife]

From reading your posts, I get the distinct impression that YOU and HE agreed that he would tell you about all his dealings with other women, so you wouldn't get jealous.

 

NOW you say that you told him to withold information from you, so you wouldn't freak out?

 

 

So if you ASKED him to not tell you things that would freak you out, why did you get angry when you found out that he deliberatly didn't tell you about his trip to the beach with this girl!?

 

What?

 

Did you and he agree to not have secrets regarding friends of the opposite gender or not!? If you did, he broke the agreement, and you have every right to be upset with him, and he needs to apologize!

 

At least when my husband breaks an agreement he apologizes. At the very least! He's acting like you're the one who is wrong, and you're taking all the blame. You're sacrificing anything to stay in this relationship.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by miss fortune

He said he was sorry he hurt me and that it was not intentional, that he was going out of his way to KEEP from hurting me to begin with.

 

 

What a pitiful apology. "I'm sorry that you were hurt" basically, "You had no reason to get upset...you overreacted...I'm sorry that you got upset that I broke the agreement...but I'm not sorry that I broke the agreement."

 

Didn't you both agree that he wasn't to keep things from you? Whether it would hurt you or not?

 

Originally posted by miss fortune

 

The agreement was, he just had to TELL me about what happens - if they go out together, etc.

[NiCoLe20]

this whole situation is confusing as hell.... but if he was real sincere he would apologize n thats it... next time he f***s up, c-yah!!

[miss fortune]

Originally posted by miss fortune

He said he was sorry he hurt me and that it was not intentional, that he was going out of his way to KEEP from hurting me to begin with.

 

 

 

 

 

What a pitiful apology. "I'm sorry that you were hurt" basically, "You had no reason to get upset...you overreacted...I'm sorry that you got upset that I broke the agreement...but I'm not sorry that I broke the agreement."

 

Didn't you both agree that he wasn't to keep things from you? Whether it would hurt you or not?

 

 

quote:Originally posted by miss fortune

 

The agreement was, he just had to TELL me about what happens - if they go out together, etc.

 

Does your husband ever get mad at you because he doesnt think enough is ever ENOUGH for you, that you always want more? What the hell do u expect me to make him do, beg, plead and cry? He's a man, not a doormat.

 

I am not taking s*** from anyone, and definitely not "sacrificing anything" to be in the relationship. HE HAS FEMALE FRIENDS, ok? Point blank, I need to accept that, and I am having a hard time doing it.

 

When I said I told him to keep stuff from me, I meant that as in, by me freaking out about every other incident, this was just his way of not wanting to fight about something mediocre. YES the agreement was to not keep secrets from eachother about the opposite sex, which is why I threw a fit and left him at the party to begin with. I didnt talk to him all day sunday and most of the day monday. I was pissed.

 

I still am ticked off that it happened to begin with, but all I can say is that sometimes it takes more than one person to make things work in a relationship. You seem to think that just because you are married, that surely you must be wiser and more apt to have advice that I could learn from. The problem is, your standards seem to be different than mine -- as in, I dont make him grovel if he screws up. I make it a point to show him that he made a mistake, and from there we work thru it.

 

IF it happens again, after we had this long talk, then yes its going to be a problem. But it wasnt reasonable for me to ask him to tell me everything to BEGIN with. He has his life and I have mine -- see, we are not one of those couples that lost our identity within eachother. I tell him about 75% of my life and its events because theres a certain amount of privacy I require (Unless we were living together OR married) and I give him the same benefit. I am learning to accept this friendship for what it is - A FRIENDSHIP. He is friends with her fiance, he works with her -- this is someone thats going to be around regardless of what happens, and there will always be other woman in his life. I am just now realizing all of this.

[miss fortune]

this whole situation is confusing as hell.... but if he was real sincere he would apologize n thats it... next time he f***s up, c-yah!!

 

Are you saying that what he said to me wasnt an apology?

 

Yes, I agree - it WILL be the end if he f***s up again. Contrary to popular belief, he is not the center of my world or the reason I live. I do not base all my happiness off of him. I WILL LIVE if we break up, but right now I am just trying to be loving and accepting, and show him that I am not trying to CHANGE WHO HE IS, like so many women try to do.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by miss fortune

Does your husband ever get mad at you because he doesnt think enough is ever ENOUGH for you, that you always want more?

 

Are you kidding? That is just a sure fire way for him to make you feel bad and guilty, when HE'S the one that screwed up. In other words, if you don't ever want to be disappointed in him, don't expect anything from him.

 

What the hell do u expect me to make him do, beg, plead and cry? He's a man, not a doormat.

 

I EXPECTED you to not call him, and to make him apologize for going behind your back...and let him call you first for crying out loud. I expect you to stick to your guns. Next time this happens (and of course it will happen again) get rid of him, before you end up in a marriage where the husband does whatever he wants, and the wife just has to deal with it (much like mine, where I married a guy and six months later found out that he had a porn addiction, which was why he couldn't keep an erection longer than a minute, and he promised to never watch porn again, but I found it the next day, and he promised again, and I found it a month later, and he promised again, and we threw out the computer, but I found on the cable bill that he'd ordered pay per view, but he promised AGAIN, and I found porn in his safe, but he promised AGAIN, and I found 6 DVDs in his closet, and an address that I didn't recognize...he opened a po box to have his porn mailed to so I wouldn't find it So what I'm trying to do is get you to open your eyes, before you have a dog, and a mortgage, and a car payment, and you're whole LIFE wrapped up in this guy who keeps secrets from you, before you end up like ME!!!!!!!)

 

 

I am not taking s*** from anyone

 

Yes you are.

 

, and definitely not "sacrificing anything" to be in the relationship.

 

Yes you are.

 

HE HAS FEMALE FRIENDS, ok?

 

Yes, it's ok, but you're not comfortable with that, so you asked for certain guidelines, and HE AGREED to them, but then he broke the agreement.

 

Point blank, I need to accept that, and I am having a hard time doing it.

 

How can you be expected to accept that he has female friends, when he's sneaking behind your back to see them?

 

When I said I told him to keep stuff from me, I meant that as in, by me freaking out about every other incident, this was just his way of not wanting to fight about something mediocre. YES the agreement was to not keep secrets from eachother about the opposite sex, which is why I threw a fit and left him at the party to begin with.

 

Which I feel like you had every right to do.

 

I didnt talk to him all day sunday and most of the day monday. I was pissed.

 

And you should have been pissed.

 

I still am ticked off that it happened to begin with, but all I can say is that sometimes it takes more than one person to make things work in a relationship.

 

Exactly...so why are you doing all the work!?

 

You seem to think that just because you are married, that surely you must be wiser and more apt to have advice that I could learn from.

 

I don't think I'm wiser than you, honey. Not by any means...but I am an outsider, and this whole thing looks like you are being jerked around by a jerk...from the outside.

 

The problem is, your standards seem to be different than mine -- as in, I dont make him grovel if he screws up.

 

Our standards are EXACTLY the same: Don't hide things from me and keep secrets...if you do, you need to come to me and apologize, and tell me what you're going to do to ensure that this doesn't happen again.

 

I make it a point to show him that he made a mistake, and from there we work thru it.

 

He doesn't see how he was wrong...all you have shown him is that he can f*** up, and after you cool down, you'll be begging for HIM back.

 

IF *cought WHEN* it happens again, after we had this long talk, then yes its going to be a problem.

 

And you'll take him back, just like this time.

 

But it wasnt reasonable for me to ask him to tell me everything to BEGIN with.

 

If it was unreasonable, then he shouldn't have agreed to it...but he did.

 

He has his life and I have mine -- see, we are not one of those couples that lost our identity within eachother. I tell him about 75% of my life and its events because theres a certain amount of privacy I require (Unless we were living together OR married) and I give him the same benefit. I am learning to accept this friendship for what it is - A FRIENDSHIP. He is friends with her fiance, he works with her -- this is someone thats going to be around regardless of what happens, and there will always be other woman in his life. I am just now realizing all of this.

 

if that's how you really feel....

[miss fortune]

>Next time this happens (and of course it will happen again) get rid of him,

 

Oh ye of little faith. Just because it happened once does not mean it WILL happen again. We talked about it and he has a whole week to sit and relax on the beach and reflect this whole situation.

 

>where I married a guy and six months later found out that he had a porn addiction

 

You didnt know about this before you got married? How long were you together for before you decided to get hitched? I am sorry this happened to you because that is very difficult I realize

 

>Exactly...so why are you doing all the work!?

 

Because I called him? Whatever. The woman sets the pace in a relationship, and I am trying to show him that this needs to be an open relationship where we can TALK about stuff and not worry about the other feeling upset.

 

>He doesn't see how he was wrong...all you have shown him is that he can f*** up, and after you cool down, you'll be begging for HIM back.

 

When did I beg or plea in any way, shape or form? Please tell me because I never went crying to him asking for forgiveness, nor did I ever even apologize.

 

>quote:IF *cought WHEN* it happens again, after we had this long talk, then yes its going to be a problem. - And you'll take him back, just like this time.

 

Thats where you are wrong. I will not take it again. The only way to prove it is for me to have faith that he wont. And if he does, then I am gone. I have reiterated this to him, that perhaps I didnt make myself clear about the ramifications of him not following thru on his part.

 

what really PISSES ME OFF is that this is not something that was a repeated offense. Just because I forgive him once doesnt mean he will do it again. He wasnt cheating to begin with - Dont even try the "one a cheater, always a cheater" idea because it is not the case.

 

I have conditioned him in to being afraid to tell me the truth about things because I flipped out on him so many times. I am surprised he hasnt walked away from ME after my 109 times of freaking out and getting upset. I have been mad at him for falling asleep when he's with me (intimately, but in his defense he was sick, it was hot that day, and he hadnt slept for 24 hrs ...so he wrote me a letter expressing that there really isnt a way for him to fix the hurt he caused me but he will do anything to make sure it doesnt happen again, which he did), for his friend bad-mouthing females and him not standing up and saying something (theres more to it but whatever), for him putting ice down the back of a girl's shirt one day at a party - because I thought he was flirting...doing all KINDS of stuff I had no right to be SO upset about. But I am extremely emotional and touchy, and he has worked with me thru it all. He has accepted me for who I am and how I am. I will do the same for him, within reason.

[FolderWife]

I really hope that you're right, and that he won't be sneaky again. My husband would feed me the ham that your boyfriend is feeding you. He'd promise not to look at porn, and then I'd find a movie, and he'd say, "Oh, I thought you meant no internet porn." So I'd say, "no, NO porn" then I'd find Pay per view, and he'd say, "Oh, I thought you meant internet and dvd porn" I'd say, "no porn." I'd find a Playboy. He'd say, "You said no porn...Playboy isn't porn."

 

 

If your boyfriend genuinely doesn't do this again, then you will have been the ONLY woman that I've ever found who's boyfriend isn't always the same guy.

[miss fortune]

I really hope that you're right, and that he won't be sneaky again. My husband would feed me the ham that your boyfriend is feeding you. He'd promise not to look at porn, and then I'd find a movie, and he'd say, "Oh, I thought you meant no internet porn." So I'd say, "no, NO porn" then I'd find Pay per view, and he'd say, "Oh, I thought you meant internet and dvd porn" I'd say, "no porn." I'd find a Playboy. He'd say, "You said no porn...Playboy isn't porn."

 

 

 

If your boyfriend genuinely doesn't do this again, then you will have been the ONLY woman that I've ever found who's boyfriend isn't always the same guy.

 

Its easy for you to be biased in this situation because you had someone deceive you time and time again. I have not. And the biggest difference between you & I is that what he is doing -- having friendships with females -- is not hindering our relationship, whereas excessive porn use would.

 

I hope it was excessive - because almost every man on the planet enjoys porn every once in a while and to be jealous of that is an entirely different situation.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by miss fortune

Its easy for you to be biased in this situation because you had someone deceive you time and time again. I have not. And the biggest difference between you & I is that what he is doing -- having friendships with females -- is not hindering our relationship, whereas excessive porn use would.

 

I hope it was excessive - because almost every man on the planet enjoys porn every once in a while and to be jealous of that is an entirely different situation.

 

I think I'd be pissed at your boyfriend even if I hadn't been deceived time and time again. His friendships with females IS hindering your relationship! Especially if he's being sneaky about it.

 

And yes, it was so excessive that he could hardly get an erection, and when he could get an erection, he lost it pretty fast...

 

And I thought it was me all along, when really, he was getting his rocks off elsewhere.

 

Why are you so jealous of him having female friends?

[J dub]

oops wrong post

[laRubiaBonita]

miss fortune....Really, we are not Ganging up on you.....but we just are not sugar coating anything either.

 

"Fool me once, shame on you....Fool me twice, shame on me"

[miss fortune]

miss fortune....Really, we are not Ganging up on you.....but we just are not sugar coating anything either.

 

"Fool me once, shame on you....Fool me twice, shame on me"

 

Its cool I understand

[wyzeup]

I think it's rather ironic that 'miss ironic' is implying, however subtly, that FolderWife's understandable issue with her husband's porn addiction is silly because hey, all men are into porn.....yet 'miss ironic' is suddenly now so understanding about her b/f's blatant "lie by omission." It seems to be a no-brainer to me that a husband's blatant porn addiction, mixed with the lies that he told to hide that addiction month after month, and that addiction leading to his inability to get it up for his *shudder* wife would be nothing to sneeze at yet FolderWife is somehow so wrong for not backing down in her belief that 'miss ironic' is being a doormat and getting jerked around.

 

Miss Ironic: there's a world of difference between jealousy over your b/f having female friends (particularly when you swear up down and sideways that he'd "never cheat") and a wife having to be lied to repeatedly about a porn addiction.

 

You are totally backtracking. You were doing good when you stood up to your boyfriend for not being honest with you, and sticking to his promise - but then after a whopping 1.5 days you caved and called him...........and he didn't even have the balls to apologize to you.....yet you took him back just the same and now you're condoning his actions and making excuses for him "withholding this info" and you're NOW saying your demands of him to "keep no secrets" was "unreasonable." Either you're really brainwashed or you're so darn terrified of losing him that you're willing to compromise your beliefs and sacrifice your pride and self worth, all for him.

 

What did he learn from all this? I'll tell you what - he's learned that he can keep big secrets and you'll freak out for less than 2 days and then take him back. You sent him a loud and clear message that you're a doormat and you need him more than you need your self respect.

 

Did he ever bother to explain why was at the beach with her? Have you ever asked him why he's never taken you to the beach but he took her?

 

I think, also, that you're looking through big rose colored glasses to be so adamant that he would never cheat. Anyone can cheat and some of the nicest, most sweet people do it. You are sure wouldn't with her because she's got guys all over the place and he wouldnt want to "share".......maybe like lots of people who get into cheating relationships, he thinks he could be the "one" she'd leave everyone else for? She sounds like a flirty player who isn't satisfied with just one guy.

 

You are being far too nice to him. You think he's just going to go off on vacation and sit there on a beach with all kinds of beautiful women walking by and sit there all serious-like and mull over the hurt he caused you?

 

You let him off the hook totally. There's a good chance now that if he feels the need to sneak around, he'll just be more careful about it. He claims (the biggest crock I've read in a week) he didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you.................so then what's going to happen in the future? Will that be his ongoing excuse?

 

Let's face it, you should be with someone who will make you the #1 woman in his life, and that's not an unreasonable thing to want....but you're not going to get it with this clown.