nicki Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I have been exactly where you are. Done exactly what you have done...and learned a whole bunch from it. Painful, but good information... Bottom line: He promised you he would tell you about contact with this woman. He broke his promise. He LIED. That's a big deal. HUGE. Lying is bad. Honesty is non-negotiable, right? Looking back, do you think you would have rather asked him to end this friendship rather than simply having him tell you when he spent time with her? In my book, you have that right if his "friendship" makes you uncomfortable...good guys will pick their girlfriends over so called " girl friends." And I think if you were worried about her, then your instincts were on target. I've had boyfriends who had girl friends and I wasn't concerned at all. Then I had a boyfriend whose "friendships" concerned the hell-o out of me...with good reason, come to find out...never found out if he cheated, didn't matter...he LIED, kept secrets...i'm biased about this, i admit...i think you should look at his actions, not his words.. Consider that you might be fooling yourself if you think you will be able to handle his "friendships." You will most likely never trust him again unless he ends it with her, showing you that your feelings mean something to him...You can't turn on trust after it has been broken...He must EARN it back by giving up something....like this girl, like his privacy. Screw it! I'm pissed off for you. He doesn't have the right to have this friend if it makes you feel insecure. He doesn't have the right to have any female friends. Oh wait, he does actually, but you don't have to like it, put up with it, or deal with it...You can always choose to leave a situation that doesn't work for you. Let people be who they are, and take care of yourself. You have choices here. You could tell him that it's her or you. Don't be afraid that he won't pick you. He SHOULD. If he doesn't, then he doesn't love you enough....and I know how much that hurts...that's why you are explaining away his behavior. I did it, too, i know how you feel....I think your initial reaction was correct... Be calmly assertive. Tell him what you really need, not what you think you should need...know what i mean? Big hug to you Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Oh, and then let the chips fall where they may...you can't control everything...I wonder what would happen if you just backed off, without letting him off the hook for lying? Link to post Share on other sites
mutton Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Because you called him, now you'll never really find out if he would've cared enough about your relationship to call you back after you broke up with him. It looks like you've really dug your relationship into a hole. On his side, he seems to be fed up with your jealousy. On your side, you're paranoid of his co-worker and he lied to you or omitted information that you should have known. The catch is that everytime he tells you about something he did with his female coworker, you freak out. It looks to me that no matter what your boyfriend does, he loses. He does not tell you the truth and you find out (he loses) and if he tells you the truth (he still loses). If you're so convinced that your boyfriend will not cheat, then why are you continually paranoid to the point that if he does anything with this female co-worker, you're hurt even if he tells you about it? One of you either needs to sacrifice something/compromise or end the relationship. You don't see it, but you're in the "make-up" period. Once this ends, you'll find yourself back in the same "hole". Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss fortune Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by mutton Because you called him, now you'll never really find out if he would've cared enough about your relationship to call you back after you broke up with him. It looks like you've really dug your relationship into a hole. On his side, he seems to be fed up with your jealousy. On your side, you're paranoid of his co-worker and he lied to you or omitted information that you should have known. The catch is that everytime he tells you about something he did with his female coworker, you freak out. It looks to me that no matter what your boyfriend does, he loses. He does not tell you the truth and you find out (he loses) and if he tells you the truth (he still loses). If you're so convinced that your boyfriend will not cheat, then why are you continually paranoid to the point that if he does anything with this female co-worker, you're hurt even if he tells you about it? One of you either needs to sacrifice something/compromise or end the relationship. You don't see it, but you're in the "make-up" period. Once this ends, you'll find yourself back in the same "hole". We have fought so many times about this girl, and every single time he has come to me. I really dont care if this time around I went to him because in truth, I just wanted it worked out so we can try again and at this point if it doesnt work I'll know, wont I? I made a mistake by calling him Not much I can do about it now. Hes on vacation for a week and it'll give him lots of time to think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss fortune Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 I wonder what would happen if you just backed off, without letting him off the hook for lying? I cant do the what ifs at this point because I already made a decision. At this time I am just going to keep an eye out for whats happening, and if it happens again I'll leave. Its sad that everyone thinks I am so weak that I wouldnt be able to walk away...but whatever, to each their own. Link to post Share on other sites
NiCoLe20 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 no, its not that we think your weak. you came here asking for advice and 90% of the people in this thread said to do the same thing, and you did the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Am I to understand they went to the beach alone? Just the two of them? It is very easy to have sex on the beach or a car parked near the beach. It is clear from everything you have revealed your boyfriend and this *ahem* 'woman' have an emotional relationship. The only question is whether it has turned physical (your getting an STD checkup soon might not be a bad idea as she sounds to be a walking petri dish of all kinds of interesting organisms). I am sure she appears to be a delicious challenge for your boyfriend, young guy that he is... I am soooooooooo curious to know what this 'player-girl's' current boyfriend thinks of all this. Surely you have spoken to him? Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by wyzeup You think he's just going to go off on vacation and sit there on a beach with all kinds of beautiful women walking by and sit there all serious-like and mull over the hurt he caused you? Whoa! Can you say, "Reality Check!"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss fortune Posted June 18, 2005 Author Share Posted June 18, 2005 Originally posted by FolderWife Whoa! Can you say, "Reality Check!"? Am I supposed to care if he looks at other women? Hes going somewhere tropical with his father and brother for a wedding. Yes, I do think he'll be seriously thinking about things. When you go on vacation, you tend to think about life - whereas at home you are crazy busy and dont have the time to sit and just chill for a minute to consider the situation. I am almost disappointed in all the negativity I have rec'd from this post. I wasnt looking for an ego boost or a sugar coated answer, but some of these responses were just downright mean. You really think I didnt consider the fact that hes going on vacation and what he will see? Who gives a rats ass if theres women there; theres women everywhere! Link to post Share on other sites
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